WITHOUT APPLAUSE

Yana LEO

WITHOUT APPLAUSE

One of the world’s leading megacities remained in his memory as a feeling of true scale – and the sense that new horizons were opening. The city administration had sent him there, along with several colleagues, as one of their most promising young employees for an international exchange of experience. For the first time in his life, it seemed to him that life itself was a system – something that could be understood, studied, and navigated until one day he might find where he truly belonged.

A glass conference hall. A headset with simultaneous translation. A folder full of numbers. He spoke about his small city – sharing ideas, explaining practical approaches. Calmly, without pathos, he illustrated his points with examples. After the presentation people approached him. They asked questions. They shared their own experience. They exchanged contacts.

He returned home with a promotion – and with the feeling that the world could actually be figured out. That only one step separated him from true scale. Career growth brought him a sense of stability – and an almost intoxicating satisfaction. And yet something inside him remained the same. Small.

A couple of years later he met Nadya in an online chat for public administration professionals. They introduced themselves simply.

– Ilya.

– Nadya.

She lived hundreds of kilometers away, in a city of more than a million people. Yet as they continued talking across the distance, they felt a rare sense of recognition – as if they had known each other for a very long time. Eventually he came to visit her. In a good coat. With snowdrops hidden beneath the lining so the wind wouldn’t freeze them. He stepped off the train onto the platform and watched her approaching – quick, beautiful, with a straight back and that quiet core of composure he had always admired in others and had not always found within himself.

Then came the wedding. His move to the big city felt like a leap into a new life. Projects. Attempts to start his own business – so he could spend more time with the family. Children. Debts. New hopes. More attempts. The years didn’t pass in dramatic leaps. They simply flowed. Nadya was always there beside him. At first, she helped him settle into the enormous unfamiliar city – sometimes advising him, sometimes backing him up, sometimes simply waiting without a word. Gradually she began taking on the things he had planned to resolve “a little later” or “very soon.” She became the invisible support he leaned on. And the more he leaned on it, the easier it became to step away from his own responsibility. He believed her faith in him was an endless credit line – not a fragile gift that needed care.

He still lived with the feeling that the real start was just ahead. As if he were only warming up before the main stage of life. Finding a job that matched both his ambitions and the salary he expected became harder and harder. His professional relevance slowly faded behind endless attempts to build a business without experience. With each new failure something inside him tightened steadily.