The German Classics of the Nineteenth and Twentieth Centuries, Volume 04

GOTTLIEB (does it).

A blessing on good food! (They kiss.) Content yourself with that.

HINZE

I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

GOTTLIEB

The boots fit very nicely, and you have a charming little foot.

HINZE

That is only because we always walk on our toes, as you must already have read in your natural history.

GOTTLIEB

I have great respect for you—on account of the boots.

HINZE (hangs a soldier's knapsack about his neck).

I am going now.

See, I have also made myself a bag with a drawing-string.

GOTTLIEB

What's it all for?

HINZE

Just let me alone! I want to be a hunter. Why, where is my cane?

GOTTLIEB

Here.

HINZE

Well, then, good-bye.

[Exit.]

GOTTLIEB

A hunter? I can't understand the man.

[Exit.]

Open Field

HINZE (with cane, knapsack, and bag).

Splendid weather! It's such a beautiful, warm day; afterward I must lie down a bit in the sun. (He spreads out his bag.) Well, fortune, stand by me. Of course, when I think that this capricious goddess of fortune so seldom favors shrewdly laid plans, that she always ends up by disgracing the intelligence of mortals, I feel as though I should lose all my courage. Yet, be quiet, my heart; a kingdom is certainly worth the trouble of working and sweating some for it! If only there are no dogs around here; I can't bear those creatures at all; it is a race that I despise because they so willingly submit to the lowest servitude to human beings. They can't do anything but either fawn or bite; they haven't fashionable manners at all, a thing which is so necessary in company. There's no game to be caught. (He begins to sing a hunting song: "I steal through the woods so still and wild," etc. A nightingale in the bush near-by begins to sing.) She sings gloriously, the songstress of the grove; but how delicious she must taste! The great people of the earth are, after all, right lucky in the fact that they can eat as many nightingales and larks as they like; we poor common people must content ourselves with their singing, with the beauty in nature, with the incomprehensibly sweet harmony. It's a shame I can't hear anything sing without getting a desire to eat it. Nature! Nature! Why do you always destroy my finest emotions by having created me thus! I feel almost like taking off my boots and softly climbing up that tree yonder; she must be perching there. (Stamping in the pit.) The nightingale is good-natured not to let herself be interrupted even by this martial music; she must taste delicious; I am forgetting all about my hunting with these sweet dreams. Truly, there's no game to be caught. Why, who's there?

[Two lovers enter.]

HE

I say, my sweet life, do you hear the nightingale?

SHE

I am not deaf, my good friend.

HE

How my heart overflows with joyousness when I see all harmonious nature thus gathered about me, when every tone but reëchoes the confession of my love, when all heaven bows down to diffuse its ether over me.

SHE

You are raving, my dear!

HE

Do not call the most natural emotions of my heart raving. (He kneels down.) See, I swear to you, here in the presence of glad heaven—

HINZE (approaching them courteously).

Kindly pardon me—would you not take the trouble to go somewhere else? You are disturbing a hunt here with your lovely affection.

HE

Be the sun my witness, the earth—and what else? Thou, thyself, dearer to me than earth, sun, and all the elements. What is it, good friend?

HINZE

The hunt—I beg most humbly.

HE

Barbarian, who are you, to dare to interrupt the oaths of love?

You are not of woman born, you belong outside humanity.

HINZE

If you would only consider, sir—

SHE

Then wait just a second, good friend; you see, I'm sure, that my lover, lost in the intoxication of the moment, is down on his knees.

HE

Dost thou believe me now?

SHE

Oh, didn't I believe you even before you spoke a word? (She bends down to him affectionately.) Dearest! I love you! Oh, inexpressibly!

HE

Am I mad? Oh, and if I am not, why do I not become so immediately with excess of joy, wretched, despicable creature that I am? I am no longer on the earth; look at me well, dearest, and tell me: Am I not perhaps standing in the sun?

SHE

You are in my arms, and they shall never release you either.

HE

Oh, come, this open field is too narrow for my emotions, we must climb the highest mountain, to tell all nature how happy we are.

[Exit the lovers, quickly and full of delight. Loud applause and bravos in the pit.]

WIESENER (clapping).

The lover thoroughly exhausted himself. Oh, my,

I gave myself such a blow on the hand that it swelled right up.

NEIGHBOR

You do not know how to restrain yourself when you are glad.

WIESENER

Yes, I am always that way.

FISCHER

Ah!—that was certainly something for the heart; that makes one feel good again!

LEUTNER

Really beautiful diction in that scene!

MÜLLER

But I wonder whether it is essential to the whole?

SCHLOSS

I never worry about the whole; if I cry, I cry—that's enough; that was a divine passage.

HINZE

Such a pair of lovers is good for something in the world after all; they have fallen plump into the poetical again down there and the stamping has ceased. There's no game to be caught.

(A rabbit creeps into the bag; he rushes over and draws the strings over him.)

Look here, good friend! A kind of game that is a cousin of mine, so to speak; yes, that's the way with the world nowadays, relatives against relatives, brother against brother; if one wants to get through the world oneself, one must push others out of the way.

(He takes the rabbit out of the bag and puts it into the knapsack.)

Hold! Hold!—truly I must take care not to devour the game myself. I must just tie up the knapsack quickly only to be able to restrain my passion. Fie! for shame, Hinze! Is it not the duty of the nobleman to sacrifice himself and his desires to the happiness of his brother creatures? That's the reason why we live, and whoever cannot do that—oh, it were better for him if he had never been born!

(He is on the point of withdrawing; violent applause and shouting of "Encore;" he has to repeat the last beautiful passage, then he bows respectfully and goes of with the rabbit.)

FISCHER

Oh, what a noble man!

MÜLLER

What a beautifully human state of mind!

SCHLOSS

One can still be benefited by things like this, but when I see such nonsense I should like to smash it with a single blow.

LEUTNER

I began to feel quite sad too—the nightingale—the lovers—the last tirade—why the play has some really beautiful passages after all!

Hall in the palace

Large company. The KING. The PRINCESS. Prince NATHANIEL. The COOK (in gala costume)

KING (sitting on throne).

Over here, cook; now is the time to speak and answer; I want to examine the matter myself.

COOK (falls on his knees).

May it please your majesty to express your commands for your highness's most faithful servant?

KING

One cannot expend too much effort, my friends, in keeping a king—on whose shoulders lies the well-being of a whole country and that of innumerable subjects—always in good humor. For if he falls into a bad humor, he very easily becomes a tyrant, a monster; for good humor encourages cheerfulness, and cheerfulness, according to the observations of all philosophers, makes man good; whereas melancholy, on the other hand, is to be considered a vice for the very reason that it encourages all the vices. Whose duty is it, I now ask, in whose power does it so lie, to preserve the good spirits of the monarch, so much as in the hands of a cook? Are not rabbits very innocent animals? My favorite dish—by means of these animals I could succeed in never becoming tired of making my country happy—and these rabbits he lets me do without! Sucking pigs and sucking pigs daily. Rascal, I am disgusted with this at last!

COOK

Let not my king condemn me unheard. Heaven is my witness, that I took all pains to secure those pretty white animals; I even wanted to purchase them at a rather high price, but there are absolutely none to be had. If it were possible to get possession of even one of these rabbits, do you think you would be allowed to doubt for one moment longer the love your subjects bear you?

KING

Stop with those roguish words, betake yourself to the kitchen and show by your action that you love your king. (Exit cook.) Now I turn to you, my prince, and to you my daughter. I have been informed, worthy prince, that my daughter does not love you; she is a thoughtless, silly girl, but I still give her credit for so much common sense as probably to have several reasons. She causes me care and sadness, grief and worry, and my old eyes are flooded with tears when I think of how she will get along after my death. "You will be left an old maid," I have told her a thousand times; "take your chance while it is offered you;" but she will not hear; well, then she'll have to be made to feel.

PRINCESS

My father—

KING (weeping and sobbing).

Go, ungrateful, disobedient girl—by your refusal you are drawing me into—alas, only too early a grave! (He supports himself on the throne, covers his face with his cloak and weeps bitterly.)

FISCHER

Why, the king does not remain true to his character for a moment.

[Groom of the Chamber comes in.]

GROOM

Your majesty, a strange man is outside and begs to be admitted before your majesty.

KING (sobbing).

Who is it?

GROOM

I beg pardon, my king, for not being able to answer this question. Judging by his long white beard, one should say he is an old man, and his face completely covered with hair should almost confirm one in this opinion, but then again he has such bright, youthful eyes, such a smooth, flexible back, that one cannot understand him. He appears to be a wealthy man; for he is wearing a pair of fine boots and as far as I can infer from his exterior he seems to be a hunter.

KING

Bring him in; I am curious to see him.

[Groom goes and returns directly with HINZE.]

HINZE

With your majesty's most gracious permission the Count of

Carabas makes bold to present you with a rabbit.

KING (delighted).

A rabbit? Do you hear it, really, people? Ah, fate has become reconciled with me again! A rabbit?

HINZE (takes it out of his knapsack).

Here, great monarch!

KING

Here—just hold the sceptre a moment, prince. (He feels the rabbit.) Fat! nice and fat! From the Count of –

HINZE

Carabas.

KING

Indeed, he must be an excellent man. I must become better acquainted with him. Who is the man? Which of you knows him? Why does he keep himself concealed? If such heads as that are allowed to remain idle, what will become of our throne! I would cry for joy. Sends me a rabbit! Groom, give it to the cook directly.

[Groom takes it. Exit.]

NATHAN

My king, I beg most humbly to make my departure.

KING

Why, indeed! I had almost forgotten that in my joy! Farewell, prince, yes, you must make room for other suitors; it cannot be otherwise. Adieu! I wish you had a highroad all the way home.

[Prince kisses his hand. Exit.]

KING (shouting).

People! Let my historian come!

[The historian appears.]

KING

Here, friend, come, here's some material for our history of the world. You have your book with you, of course!

HISTORIAN

Yes, my king.

KING

Now enter immediately, that on such and such a day (whatever date we happen to have today) the Count of Carabas sent me a present of a most delicious rabbit.

[HISTORIAN seats himself and writes.]

KING

Do not forget, Anno currentis. I must think of everything, otherwise it's always sure to be done wrong. (Blast of a trumpet is heard.) Ah, dinner is ready—come, my daughter, do not weep; if it isn't one prince, it will be another. Hunter, we thank you for your trouble. Will you accompany us to the dining-room?

(They go, HINZE follows.)

LEUTNER

Pretty soon I shall not be able to stand it any longer; why, what has happened to the father now, who was so tender to his daughter at first and touched us all so?

FISCHER

The only thing that vexes me is that not a person in the play wonders at the cat; the king and all act as though it had to be so.

SCHLOSS

My head is all dizzy with this queer stuff.

Royal dining-room

Large table set. Sound of drums and trumpets. Enter the KING, the PRINCESS, LEANDER, HINZE, several distinguished guests and JACKPUDDING, Servants, waiting at the table.

KING

Let us sit down, otherwise the soup will get cold! Has the hunter been taken care of?

SERVANT

Yes, your majesty, he will eat at the little table here with the court fool.

JACKPUDDING (to HINZE).

Let us sit down, otherwise the soup will get cold.

HINZE (sits down).

With whom have I the honor of dining?

JACKPUD

A man is what he is, Sir Hunter; we cannot all do the same thing. I am a poor, exiled fugitive, a man who was once, a long time ago, witty, but who has now become stupid and re-entered service in a foreign land where he is again considered witty for a while.

HINZE

From what country do you come?

JACKPUD

Unfortunately, only Germany. My countrymen became so wise about a certain time that they finally forbade all jokes on pain of punishment; wherever I was seen, I was called by unbearable nicknames, such as: Absurd, indecent, bizarre—whoever laughed at me was persecuted like myself, and so I was compelled to go into exile.

HINZE

Poor man!

JACKPUD

There are strange trades in the world, Sir Hunter; cooks live by eating, tailors by vanity, I, by the laughter of human beings; if they cease to laugh I must starve.

[Murmuring in the pit: A Jackpudding! A Jackpudding!]

HINZE

I do not eat that vegetable.

JACKPUD

Why? Don't be bashful, help yourself.

HINZE

I tell you, white cabbage does not agree with me.

JACKPUD

It will taste all the better to me. Give me your hand! I must become better acquainted with you, Sir Hunter.

HINZE

Here!

JACKPUD

Take here the hand of an honest German fellow; I am not ashamed of being German, as many of my countrymen are. (He presses the cat's hand very tightly.)

HINZE

Ow! Ow! (He resists, growls, clutches JACKPUDDING.)

JACKPUD

Oh! Hunter! Are you possessed of the devil? (He rises and goes to the king weeping.) Your majesty, the hunter is a perfidious man; just look at the remembrance of his five fingers he has left on me.

KING (eating).

Strange! Now sit down again; wear gloves in the future when you give him your hand.

JACKPUD

One must guard against you.

HINZE

Why did you take such a hold on me? The deuce take your pretended honesty!

JACKPUD

Why, you scratch like a cat!

[HINZE laughs maliciously.]

KING

But what's the trouble today, anyhow? Why is there no intelligent conversation carried on at the table? I do not enjoy a bite unless my mind has some nourishment too. Court scholar, did you perhaps fall on your head today?

LEANDER (eating).

May it please your majesty—

KING

How far is the sun from the earth?

LEANDER

Two million four hundred thousand and seventy-one-miles.

KING

And the circle in which the planets revolve?

LEANDER

A hundred thousand million miles.

KING

A hundred thousand million! There's nothing in the world I like better to hear than such great numbers—millions, trillions—that gives you—something to think about. It's a good deal, isn't it, a thousand million, more or less?

LEANDER

Human intelligence grows with the numbers.

KING

But tell me, about how large is the whole world in general, counting fixed stars, milky ways, hoods of mist, and all that?

LEANDER

That cannot be expressed at all.

KING

But you are to express it or (threatening with his sceptre)—

LEANDER

If we consider a million as one, then about ten hundred thousand trillions of such units which of themselves amount to a million.

KING

Just think, children, think! Would you believe this bit of world could be so great? But how that occupies the mind!

JACKPUD

Your majesty, this bowl of rice here seems to me sublimer.

KING

How's that, fool?

JACKPUD

Such sublimities of numbers give no food for thought; one cannot think, for of course the highest number always finally becomes the smallest again. Why, you just have to think of all the numbers possible. I can never count beyond five here.

KING

But say, there's some truth in that. Scholar, how many numbers are there, anyhow?

LEANDER

An infinite number.

KING

Just tell me quickly the highest number.

LEANDER

There is no highest, because you can always add something to the highest; human intelligence knows no bounds in this respect.

KING

But in truth it is a remarkable thing, this human mind.

HINZE

You must get disgusted with being a fool here.

JACKPUD

You can introduce nothing new; there are too many working at the trade.

LEANDER

The fool, my king, can never understand such a thing; on the whole I am surprised that your majesty is still amused by his insipid ideas. Even in Germany they tired of him, and here in Utopia you have taken him up where thousands of the most wonderful and clever amusements are at our service. He should be thrown out at once, for he only brings your taste into bad repute.

KING (throws the sceptre at his head).

Sir Brazenbold of a scholar! What do you dare to say? The fool pleases me, me, his king, and if I like him, how dare you say that the man is ridiculous? You are the court scholar and he the court fool; you both have equal positions; the only difference is that he is dining at the little table with the strange hunter. The fool displays his nonsense at the table, and you carry on an intelligent conversation at the table; both are only to while away the time for me and make my meal taste good: where, then, lies the great difference? Furthermore, it does us good to see a fool who is more stupid than we, who has not the same gifts; why, then, one feels greater oneself and is grateful to heaven; even on that account I like to have a blockhead around.

[THE COOK serves the rabbit and goes.]

KING

The rabbit! I do not know—I suppose the other gentlemen do not care for it?

ALL (bow).

KING

Well, then, with your permission, I will keep it for myself. (He eats.)

PRINCESS

It seems to me the king is making faces as though he were getting an attack again.

KING (rising in rage).

The rabbit is burned! Oh, earth! Oh, pain! What keeps me from sending the cook right down to Orcus as fast as possible?

PRINCESS

My father!

KING

How did this stranger lose his way among the people? His eyes are dry—

ALL (arise very sadly, JACKPUDDING runs back and forth busily,

HINZE remains seated and eats steadily).

KING

A long, long, good night; no morning will ever brighten it.

PRINCESS

Do have some one fetch the peacemaker.

KING

May the Cook Philip be Hell's cry of jubilee when an ungrateful wretch is burned to ashes!

PRINCESS

Where can the musician be!

KING

To be or not to be—

[The peacemaker enters with a set of musical bells and begins to play them at once.]

KING

What is the matter with me? (Weeping.) Alas! I have already had my attack again. Have the rabbit taken out of my sight. (He lays his head on the table, full of grief, and sobs.)

COURTIER

His majesty suffers much.

[Violent stamping and whistling in the pit; they cough, they hiss; those in the gallery laugh; the king gets up, arranges his cloak and sits down majestically with his sceptre. It is all in vain; the noise continues to increase, all the actors forget their parts, a terrible pause on the stage. HINZE has climbed up a pillar. The author appears on the stage, overcome.]

AUTHOR

Gentlemen—most honorable public—just a few words!

IN THE PIT

Quiet! Quiet! The fool wishes to speak!

AUTHOR

For the sake of heaven, do not disgrace me thus; why, the act will be over directly. Just look, the king, too, is again calmed; take an example from this great soul which certainly has more reason to be vexed than you.

FISCHER

More than we?

WIESENER (to his neighbor).

But I wonder why you are stamping? We two like the play, do we not?

NEIGHBOR

That's true too—absent-mindedly, because they're all doing it. (Claps with might and main.)

AUTHOR

A few voices are still favorable to me, however. For pity, do put up with my poor play; a rogue gives more than he has, and it will be over soon, too. I am so confused and frightened that I can think of nothing else to say to you.

ALL

We want to hear nothing, know nothing.

AUTHOR (raging, drags the peacemaker forward).

The king is calmed, now calm this raging flood too, if you can. (Beside himself, rushes off.)

[The peacemaker plays on his bells, the stamping keeps time with the melody; he motions; monkeys and bears appear and dance fondly around him. Eagles and other birds. An eagle sits on the head of HINZE who is very much afraid; two elephants, two lions. Ballet and singing.]

THE FOUR-FOOTED ANIMALS

That sounds so beautiful!

THE BIRDS

That sounds so lovely!

CHORUS TOGETHER

Never have I seen or heard the like!

[Hereupon an artistic quadrille is danced by all present, the king and his court retinue are taken into the centre, HINZE and JACKPUDDING not excluded; general applause. Laughter; people standing up in pit to see better; several hats fall down from the gallery.]

THE PEACEMAKER (sings during the ballet and the audience's general expression of pleasure).

  Could only all good men  Soft bells like these discover  Each enemy would then  With ease be turned to lover.  And life without bad friends would be  All sweet and lovely harmony.

[The curtain falls, all shout and applaud, the ballet is heard awhile.]

INTERLUDE

WIESENER

Splendid! Splendid!

NEIGHBOR

Well, I'd certainly call that a heroic ballet.

WIESENER

And so beautifully woven into the main plot!

LEUTNER

Beautiful music!

FISCHER

Divine!

SCHLOSS

The ballet is the only redeeming feature of the play.

BÖTTICH

I still keep on admiring the acting of the cat. In such details one recognizes the great and experienced actor; for example, as often as he took the rabbit out of the sack, he always lifted it by the ears; that was not prescribed for him; I wonder whether you noticed how the king grasped it at once by the body? But these animals are held by the ears because that is where they can best bear it. That's what I call a master!

MÜLLER

That is a very fine explanation.

FISCHER (aside).

He himself ought to be lifted by the ears for it.

BÖTTICH

And his terror when the eagle was sitting on his head! How he did not even move for fear, did not stir or budge—it is beyond description!

MÜLLER

You go very deeply into the matter.

BÖTTICH

I flatter myself I am a bit of a connoisseur; that is of course not the case with all of you, and for that reason the matter must be demonstrated to you.

FISCHER

You are taking great pains!

BÖTTICH

Oh, when you love art as I do it is a pleasant task! Just now a very acute thought also occurred to me concerning the cat's boots, and in them I admire the genius of the actor. You see, at first be is a cat; for that reason he must lay aside his natural clothing in order to assume the appropriate disguise of a cat. Then he has to appear fully as a hunter; that is what I conclude, for every one calls him that, nor does a soul marvel at him; an unskilful actor would have dressed himself exactly so too, but what would have happened to our illusion? We might perhaps have forgotten that he was still originally a cat and how uncomfortable a new costume would be for the actor over the fur he already had. By means of the boots, however, he merely skilfully suggests the hunter's costume; and that such suggestions are extremely dramatic, the ancients prove to us very excellently, in often—

FISCHER

Hush! The third act is beginning.