Whole: from losing yourself to loving yourself

If the path were easy, everyone would take it. But it is meant for the strong – which means you already belong among them.

Remember: the darkest night comes just before dawn, the greatest chaos before a new order. If it feels unbearably hard right now, it means you are standing at the threshold of something great. Do not give up – your day is coming soon, the day your new creative life begins. Dreams come true for those who keep going.

Therapy can help as well. And by therapy, I don’t only mean a psychotherapist’s office with a soft chair and a glass of water on the table. Therapy can take any form of love. It can be a priest in a quiet church if your soul responds to that. It can be your mother, if she is capable of truly hearing you. It can be a friend who does not judge. It can be someone who simply sits beside you when you are silent.

The most important thing is to allow yourself to be vulnerable with those who will not betray you. Because alone we can survive – but true healing always comes through connection.

Faith. Meditation

Each of us believes in something – the Universe, God, the Absolute, our Higher Self… Whatever you choose to call it, all these forces speak to us in different languages but with one intention: to awaken us, to return us to ourselves, to lift the veil of illusions we willingly walk into – out of fear, out of love, out of childish naivety or blind trust.

Nothing in life happens without reason. If the spark of awakening is planted within you, if your soul came into this lifetime not just to live, but to remember who you are, then you will almost certainly have to pass through pain, loss, loneliness, and complete reset. Because only at the very bottom – where nothing familiar remains, where there are no outside voices, no expectations, no masks – you finally hear your own voice.

It was then that I tried something that once seemed strange, even slightly ridiculous to me – meditation.

I had always treated such practices with skepticism. I was a person of logic, a rational thinker with a mathematical education, someone who taught children mathematics for eight years, who led others – and suddenly, there I was, sitting on the floor in a strange pose, listening to the “music of the spheres,” with my eyes closed, trying to hear at least something inside myself.

I began with the simplest: a few minutes of silence, breath, the phrase “I am.”

And suddenly – imagine – it worked.

There was one day I remember vividly. I lay down in a pose I had once seen – a Japanese inverted posture: legs raised against a couch or wall, head lower, body fully relaxed. I went so deep that when my mother entered the room (I was staying with my parents on vacation at the time) and said something to me, I heard her voice but couldn’t answer. My consciousness was somewhere between worlds, and I became truly frightened – because I felt a separation, as if my soul had left my body and was slowly returning.

When I finally reconnected with myself – with my body, with the space around me – I felt like someone different.

Was it… a rebirth?

Yes, I thought. Soft, but unmistakable.

In that moment, I told myself: “You are ready for the new.”

A total reset. A new strength and energy entered me. I had waited for it, released what needed to leave, filled myself up – and I was ready for the next chapter.

My thoughts were clear:

“I no longer want to suffer. I no longer want to be a victim. I refuse to destroy myself from the inside. I don’t want to be a woman living in constant expectation of love while forgetting to love herself. I don’t want to be a parasite in my own life, consuming myself with anger, resentment, and guilt.”

For the first time, I said aloud:

“Never again. Never again will I allow others to treat me that way. Never again will I betray myself just to stay close to someone who betrays me.”

That was my first true turning point.

It felt as if I had tuned into a completely different wavelength and drifted away from my past.

Of course, many more shifts followed – many moments where I lost myself again, searched again – but that first crack in my old self, that first step out of the comfort zone, is unforgettable.

I lived through an experience no university could ever give you.

It wasn’t an academic lesson – it was the school of pain, the school of maturity, the school of self-love.

And I am grateful. Not for the suffering – no.

But for the fact that through it, I learned to truly see myself – not through the eyes of those who betrayed me, but through the eyes of the woman who chose to stay and rise: my own eyes.

Now, when I look back at the path I’ve walked – the internal hurricanes, the collapses, the rebirths – I can say with complete honesty, without even a shadow of pretense: I am happy.

Not in the vague, poetic sense – but truly happy: quietly, deeply, calmly.

Happy in each lived moment, even if it’s imperfect, even if it carries ordinary human sadness or daily routines.

Happy not because life is a fireworks show – but because I can feel life, here and now, without fear.

I no longer chase happiness as a destination or a reward.

I live it – as a way of being, as presence, as grateful witnessing of each breath, each glance, each step – even when it makes me vulnerable, even when it leads me into the unknown.

I no longer suffer as I once did, because now I know how to stay in contact with myself – not to run away, not to suppress, not to freeze in the role of a victim, but to stay with whatever rises inside me and live through it fully, without resistance and without drowning in it.

Yes, I can feel sadness. Sometimes.

My body is alive, my hormones are feminine, my emotions are many.

But I learned to see: behind every emotion stands a thought, behind every thought – a story, behind every story – a choice.

And when you see this inner architecture clearly, you stop confusing sadness with tragedy, and melancholy with the end of the world.

Today, looking at my life, I understand that I no longer cling – not to people, not to roles, not to places, not to things, not to sensations, not even to my own identity.

I have learned to flow – to observe, to experience, to let everything pass through me knowing that everything is temporary, everything is a gift, and nothing belongs to me in the literal sense.

If something painful or unexpected happens now, I no longer put up walls. I don’t pretend. I don’t run into overactivity or excuses. I allow myself to stop and feel it – with full honesty, full depth, and full softness toward myself.

I can cry.

I can sit on the floor.

I can remain silent.

But within all of this, there is one constant that never leaves me – me, the one who learned to let go.

My unwavering foundation.

I will tell you more about this. Keep reading…

I realized that everything we think is important can disappear.

And everything we once thought impossible can unfold.

All we can do is remain in this dance – without freezing, without holding onto what wants to leave, without pushing away what wants to arrive.

Every moment we find ourselves in is already a new moment – unique, unrepeatable.

There is no point in clinging to what was.

And no point in clinging to what we imagine the future should be.

Life happens here. And only here.

I also learned to look at people I know without judging who they were in the past – because I myself am changing every second.

And if I’ve allowed myself the right to change, to grow, to be reborn – then I can allow the same for others.

I no longer hold a mirror made of the past.

I hold space for the new.

The Book

This book was not created to become yet another inspiring read for a single evening—something you close, smile at with gentle sadness, whisper “yes, that was beautiful,” and then return to your familiar reality filled with inner pain, fear, resentment, doubts, anxiety, guilt, postponed dreams, and the secret hope that someone, somewhere, someday will fix everything for you, support you, explain life to you, save you, and lead you to a place where you can finally be yourself—loved, free, and alive.

This book is about returning.

About choosing.

About taking responsibility.

It was born from my own days and nights when I had no idea how to keep living.

It came together from moments when relationships collapsed, when all support disappeared, when a woman I barely recognized stared back at me in the mirror—tired, lost, and forgetting who she once was.

And it was in those moments that I understood: no one is coming.

Not because the world is cruel, and not because people are indifferent.

But because salvation from the outside is an illusion—the foundation on which a victim’s life rests, a childish life, a powerless life.

And if you want to live differently—

not just survive,

not cling,

not wait for approval, love, or understanding,

not gather yourself from the scattered pieces of someone else’s recognition,

but truly live—

freely, with self-respect—

then sooner or later, you will have to take yourself by the hand

and walk inward.

This is what this book is devoted to.

I believe that every woman already carries within her everything she needs to handle any challenge—inner or outer, emotional or practical, sudden or prolonged.

But most of the time, this strength is hidden beneath layers of fear, parental conditioning, social pressure, inherited stories, past relationships, and the simple unwillingness or unreadiness to take responsibility for her inner state and her path.

Because the journey back to yourself is a process in which you will meet everything you try to avoid, everything you prefer to hide.

Desires

Through my observations, practices, and living life with an open heart, I have come to a simple yet profound understanding: our true desire manifests only when the soul, mind, body, and heart are in harmony, in resonance, flowing in the same vibrational stream. There can be no inner conflict, doubt, fear, or tension pulling us in the opposite direction. But if even one part of you—your soul, your logic, your body—resists, if there is any contraction, tension, or anxiety, even unconscious, then most likely your desire either will not manifest at all, or it will arrive in a distorted, inauthentic form. I know this from my own experience and from the experiences of many others.

I remember one New Year’s Eve, passing by the city Christmas tree, I made a wish on an ornament: “I want a man who will provide me with a beautiful, free, and abundant life.” And that wish came true exactly one month later—exactly as I had phrased it. But as it turned out later, I hadn’t considered other qualities—like honesty. There was full provision, care, respect—but he was married. The Universe does not argue with your phrasing. It simply delivers the vibration you sent. You can get what you wanted—but not necessarily what you truly need. I do not judge that choice—it was important for me. But it was the first time I understood: a desire must be formulated correctly, with sincere intention and an unshakable foundation.

If you are not walking your own path, if you are living someone else’s life, playing someone else’s role, suppressing your “I want” and replacing it with “I must”—life will inevitably create an event that forces you to stop. And very often, this comes through the body—through health. This is why being in touch with your body is so important. Pay attention to it: changes in weight, skin, hair, nails, new illnesses, and other shifts. Receive the signals it sends.

It is best to formulate desires in moments of strong emotional experience—whether it is joy, inspiration, ecstasy, or, conversely, fear, pain, or a moment of total reset. When you make a wish in such a state, it is more likely to manifest at double speed. Because in these peak states, we pour enormous amounts of energy into the desire. Energy is the currency of manifestation. Therefore, if at a peak moment you consciously choose your direction, if you are in the flow and say: “I want to live fully. I want to love. I choose the path of my soul,”—then be ready: life has heard you. And from that moment, everything will begin unfolding toward you—from the heart and with force.

Very often, despite all efforts—meditations, visualizations, written goals, or even sincere dreams—desires do not manifest. They seem to hang in the air, stay on the horizon, slip through your fingers, or arrive in a “wrong” form. In these moments, it is important not to fall into disappointment, not to blame yourself, God, the Universe, or “the wrong practice.” Instead, adopt a mature, observant stance and ask yourself: what is truly happening inside me? Very often, the reasons come down to two key internal barriers.

Lack of faith. Most people believe they have faith. They say: “I want this,” “I visualize it,” “I do the practices,” but inside, there is no total trust in the universe or in themselves, no sense that it already exists, that it is already theirs.

The second, no less powerful reason desires may fail to manifest is fear. The moment life opens a new door, the moment a possibility appears to move to a new level—in relationships, business, self-realization, or self-love—your psyche immediately triggers protective mechanisms. You start to fear. You close off. You say: “Oh, no, this probably isn’t for me.” “I’m not ready.” “I can’t handle it.” “What if I make a mistake?” And in that moment—the door closes. Even though until that point, the world had been calling you from every direction. The world always speaks to you. And if you don’t hear its whisper, it begins to shout. If you continue closing yourself off, silencing, ignoring—it simply turns away, because your free will is sacred.

Each next level requires more trust. Each desire requires a stronger “I am ready.” Every opening requires facing your fear—and taking the step. And if you allow yourself to listen, if you stop being afraid, if you let your desires come—you cannot stop them from coming.

Numerology

I want to speak to you honestly—as I would to a young woman standing in front of a mirror, asking herself for the first time in her life: “Who am I really? Why am I here? Why does my life unfold this way and not otherwise? And how can I finally find my direction?”

I believe in God, but I also believe in numbers—and in the idea that faith, in any form, helps a person. Faith is multifaceted, just like life itself.

God speaks to each of us in different ways—through events, through people, through numbers that mysteriously appear at the right moment, seemingly pointing the way. This is not a contradiction. It is a continuation. Numbers are part of the world, and the world reflects a higher plan.

When a person embraces both forms of faith, it is as if two windows open, letting light in. One faith provides a sense of spiritual support; the other gives a sense of structure, order, and guidance. Together, they create an inner compass that helps you live more consciously, attentively, and courageously. Faith does not replace action—it gives meaning to action. It becomes a quiet force that pushes you forward when things are difficult and reminds you that every step is part of a larger journey.

If belief in God and in numbers helps you feel more confident, understand life more deeply, and change it for the better, then that is your path. And it is true, because it is alive.

So. Numerology is one way to start this conversation with yourself. It is a language through which your soul can speak—if you are willing to listen. It helps you look inward, see your strengths and weaknesses, and truly know yourself—with your gifts, the lessons you are here to learn, and the situations that keep repeating until you understand them. It shows you where to move in order to stop suffering and start living in alignment with yourself. Because none of us came into this world by accident.

We are born on a specific date, with a specific code that carries not only an individual vector of growth but also a set of karmic tasks, lessons, challenges, and opportunities. Through these, we can either endlessly repeat the same mistakes or grow, unfold, and transform our destiny.

Numerology does not define you—it helps you remember who you are. And if you are ready to be honest with yourself, if you are willing to look at your numbers not as labels but as signposts, you will see: each vibration has its shadow and its light, its weakness and its gift, its temptation and its path. And it is up to you what to live and embody.

I discuss numerology in more detail in the last chapter.

Mathematics. Work

I have a higher mathematical education—I am a Master of Mathematics, a teacher of mathematics and informatics. And it was this logical, structured, and in some ways strict and dry scientific foundation that later became the ground on which all my transformations, practices, spiritual insights, inner discoveries, and unexpected turns of destiny were laid.

Mathematics taught me to structure, to think systematically, to analyze.

Life taught me to feel, to experience, to release, to see beyond the rational.

Inside me, two forces intertwined—mind and heart, numbers and soul, formulas and energy. And it is on this synthesis—the scientific and the intuitive, the logical and the metaphysical—that my path, my philosophy, and my book are built.

My path began far from easy.

I was born in a village.

My family lived simply.

My parents worked constantly just to survive; they achieved everything in life on their own; they built a house; they fed and clothed my brother and me; they gave us a school and a university education. There were very difficult times for our family.

Early mornings; daily help with the house, the garden, the poultry, the cattle; school; a life without excess; limitations; my father’s strictness—all of this forged an inner backbone within me.

During my student years, I helped my father sell milk bought from the farm at the city market, and I also worked part-time in a shop and a factory. I learned the value of hard work early.

And at the same time—I began to dream of more.

At university, I received two scholarships—an academic and a social one—and inside me one thought played on repeat:

“Soon I will start earning. Soon I will break through. Soon I will grow.”

I wasn’t thinking about relationships or romance then—they happened on their own, early, at 18. But my priority was different: to prove to myself that I could, that I would manage, that I would succeed.

In my fifth year of university, a professor of mathematical analysis—a candidate of pedagogical sciences—noticed me. She invited me to work in the scientific department of the university. I didn’t hesitate. I agreed. It was my first serious professional challenge.

I entered my master’s program, continued working at the university, and at the same time began teaching first-year students.

But perhaps the most transformative experience was this: in my fifth year, I went to teach mathematics and physics at a boarding school for children with special developmental needs. It was my first real contact with psychology, with the unique world of children society often rejects, ignores, or fears.

It was incredibly difficult, deep, emotional.

And no—I am not telling this so anyone will pity me.

I am telling it to show that we can get through anything.

We are the primary architects of our own destinies.

We can rise, grow, transform, and build ourselves into anything we choose.

Nothing is impossible.

You can be a village girl carrying a bucket of milk, and later—a master of sciences, a teacher, a spiritual guide, a woman with a mission.

You can be a factory shop assistant and later—speak to women in the language of the heart and change lives.

You can grow out of any conditions if within you there is desire, fire, and a drop of faith that you deserve more.

And I hope my path, with all its twists and turns, becomes not just a story but proof that your story can become inspiring too.

As a teacher, I know very well: in any classroom, any group, any space, there are those who leap ahead—absorbing, opening, expanding. And there are those who struggle, who still carry old programs, who are afraid to release the old self, or whose time simply hasn’t come yet. This is completely normal.

Some are just waking up.

And some are already at the level where they themselves become carriers of knowledge.

If you feel that you are already a teacher, already a master, already ready to share—then you are here not by accident. This space is for you as well.

And nothing brings me more joy than seeing the spark in the eyes of those who walk with me—those who suddenly begin to feel, to understand, to change, to see results.

My path has been diverse, intense, and at times astonishing even to me.

For nearly nine years I worked as a school teacher, taught classes, guided students, taught children to think, to see connections, to search for answers. Then I became the deputy director of a school—where I first realized that the administrative level requires a different type of strength, a deeper resilience.

Later I worked as a project manager at a university, then as an assistant director in a major holding company.

Life constantly tested me—throwing me into different roles and positions.

I was a model.

Yes, I collaborated with Russian brands. I learned to see myself through a camera, to hold posture, to speak with my eyes rather than words.

I was a homemaker—what today is fashionably called “living at someone’s expense.”

It was a stage where I had everything externally—but inside there was emptiness. And I look back on that time with respect and gratitude, because it became one of the turning points when I understood that I wanted to be not only beautiful, but strong, deep, independent.

I opened my first project—an online jewelry boutique. It paid off in a month. It was successful. I could have continued.

But I closed it. Why?

Because I felt that my energy was not there.

And I do not regret it for a second.

Because it was a step toward myself.

Every role, every profession, every place life sent me—was an important fragment of my mosaic. And now I see: none of it was accidental. It all led me to who I am becoming today.

If you are on your path now, if you don’t understand what is happening to you, if you cannot connect all your scattered experiences into a whole—just trust: it will come together. One day you will look back too and say:

Now I understand. I needed all of this.

All of this is part of me.

And until that moment comes—let’s walk together.

I’m here with you.

Relationships

The path to who I am today—a woman living through her heart—was not paved with smooth tiles. It wasn’t a road of a single step or a random turn. These were entire cycles of life, guiding me, transforming me, polishing me. Each of them seemed to unfold a new depth within me, and together they form my unique story, full of strength, pain, insights, and endless love for life.

At first, it was unconscious. I was simply living, simply being myself. And even then, people around me could feel that something within me sparked, something inspired. I would hear: “You are like light. Being near you makes me want to believe. You change my thinking just by being here.” I began to notice that I truly affected the space, that I changed it. But at that time, I didn’t think of it as a calling. I simply spoke, felt, lived—and it worked.

One of the most significant sources of my strength was my relationships with men. I have experience—not just of beautiful romances, but of long, deep, mature relationships with men who were successful, wise, generous—both inwardly and outwardly. This was not coincidence, nor luck. It’s not “getting lucky with a man.” This is the path of feminine maturity, inner value, subtle self-awareness, and understanding of male psychology. Feminine energy that doesn’t cling, doesn’t beg, doesn’t prove itself—but simply exists. And it is precisely this energy that attracts the most worthy people into your life.