Colours of Africa: painting a new self

Hello, my name is Elena, and I am a books and webinars addict. How did it happen? Unnoticeably and swiftly. The vacuum left by my daily intensive work urged me to fill the void immediately.

Did it bring me ideas for future working projects? Not really. At first, I brainstormed possible vectors of development. Then I conducted a review of my skills. I realized the gap between my desires and reality. It turned out that for the most desirable vectors, I had neither experience nor skills. I could obtain them by studying courses. And more courses. Or better yet, a proper university degree – but when and how? I don’t have the time!

The knowledge and skills that I had developed over twenty years of working with Danes seemed useless to me. They were related to the work of a marketing professional in the construction materials industry. But now, both construction, materials, and marketing itself, along with its elements, made me feel sick. One of the courses I purchased was on SMM and personal branding. I convinced myself that it was absolutely necessary, that I couldn’t do without it. I listened to the first lectures and started working on the exercises. I needed to define my value and uniqueness, and then describe my target audiences. These were elementary tasks for a former marketer, but they left me stumped. What was my value outside of the profession I was utterly exhausted from? What target audience should I write about when I left one industry and didn’t enter a new one? What else am I good at? What else am I valuable for?

I am not a marketer. I don’t even know who I am.

I am a neuron that has broken free from its crystalline lattice, floating in the cold, black void of space, without constraints or bearings.

Lead Me by the Hand

On the seventh day, I woke up feeling completely powerless and apathetic. To get out of bed and change my surroundings, I told myself I needed to take clothes to a refugee assistance center. Three large bags were filled with long-unused coats and jackets, three sweaters that I simply didn’t feel like wearing anymore. I also decided to get rid of pants and shirts that had become too small for me. I used to hope that I would lose weight and fit into them. It no longer made sense to keep them – after all, if I lost weight, I would buy new clothes for my new body.

The navigator quickly brought the car to the required address: the second-hand clothing collection point was in the entrance of a building, next to a pharmacy. A friendly woman handed me a large black bag into which I loaded all my belongings. The large floor scales beeped: the red numbers showed 11.5 kilograms. Not bad, I thought, at least I did something useful today.

Sitting in the car, I opened my email: a newsletter from a coach. I had followed him for a while and saw him regularly conducting some incredibly smart and cool events. Something about business clubs for successful entrepreneurs and masterminds. I didn’t belong to the first category, I didn’t understand the essence of the second, and I therefore never responded to his initiatives. But something in this particular email caught my attention. Peter was announcing the launch of a 21-day coaching program, and I felt I could use some support this time. I wanted someone to guide me and hold my hand, so that I wouldn’t be left alone with that grey jelly inside and those desperate-looking dashboards. So that I wouldn’t plunge back into the black void where I felt useless.

Decision made. The next morning, I was already reading the material for the first lesson and meeting the group.

Exploring Myself

The very first day of the coaching program forced me to live by new rules. My brain wanted to continue panicking, my body wanted to stay endlessly under the covers, and my soul wanted to lament. But the first rule stated: treat everything that happens during the day as a gift. The key phrase was “This is exactly what I need!” Stuck in traffic? This is exactly what I need, let me think of the benefits! The TV didn’t get fixed on time? Excellent – that means I’ll read a book. No energy for a task – great, that means I’ll give myself a proper hour of rest and then try again.

The second rule demanded that I identify the key task of every day – and do it without excuses. Not a list of 10 items of which only 4 are completed by the evening. Just one main task. Most likely, something I’ve been putting off for a long time, distracted by those 10 items.

Thirdly, at the end of the day, I had to write down three personal victories (in addition to the main task of the day)! Where could I find so many? It turned out I could “collect” them from healthy habits, positive interactions with loved ones, and hobbies. One way or another, at the end of each of the 21 days, I had three reasons to praise myself. It was challenging, but very therapeutic.

Well, those were just daily routines; to start the inner change process, I was to answer deep and powerful questions.

What achievements have I had in my life?

What gives me energy, and what takes it away?

What are my values?

What dreams call and inspire me?

What fears hold me back?

What can I rely on if I face failure?

To work on these questions, I started a thick notebook with a black leather cover and an elastic band. I wrote and rewrote each task three times, through doubt and pain, but with persistence bordering on stubbornness. Each question forced me to look inward and not run away, to feel and not make mechanical plans. I slowly and painstakingly moved towards understanding who I am, and what is important to me.