Afterglow. The Justification of Chaos

Would salvation come? When would we be rescued? Would they rescue us? What if everything turns out differently?

I pressed my hand to my chest, feeling the strength of my heartbeat.

Sam watched every move I made, his face a mask of feigned calm, as if trying to reassure me, but it only made me shiver. Instead of thinking of others or saying words, my mind was consumed by a torrent of thoughts in search of an exit, an explanation; trying to connect the past and present, trying to distinguish a future in the thickening darkness. Everything had blurred. All that existed now was the store. Silence. And primal fear, fueled by the unknown.

What if we had come a day earlier? What if our conversation with Givori had gone as originally planned? Would everything have been different? Would I have understood what was happening, even a little?

On the wall was an evacuation plan for a fire. I knew that sitting here was not an option. But it seemed there was no other way. Neither Sam nor Katherine could say anything useful to me, only confusing me further and fueling panic.

My stomach growled loudly. I turned around in fear…

“Are you hungry?” Sam asked with an expressionless face, though he was tense.

I shook my head, even though the only thing that had been in my stomach since the morning was a cup of second-rate coffee. At the mere mention of food, a sour taste filled my mouth, and my stomach turned. In front of me was the image beyond the glass. But the weakness in my body was undeniable. On the edge of consciousness, I knew I had to force myself to swallow something.

“Sam,” I said with some pleading in my voice, approaching him and sitting down beside him. “Sam, we will be saved, right? Did you hear Katherine’s conversation? Did you hear that help is coming?”

He cast a glance at me and clenched his teeth so tightly that the muscles in his face tensed; he remained silent for a few seconds. Then he let out a heavy breath and tried to force a semblance of a smile onto his face.

“Of course!” Sam nodded. “They’ll rescue us! I heard it myself. I heard it, Steph.”

“What exactly did they say?”

“Stephanie,” the guy shook his head. “Everything will be okay. Soon everything will become clear, and we’ll go back to living like we did before,” but before I could respond, Dort interrupted, more to himself, “But… live like before? How? With memories like these? I can’t imagine ever being able to sleep peacefully again. Or perceiving the world like I did before,” he faltered and looked at me, long and seriously. Katherine shifted and froze again; she was tossing and turning in her sleep, coughing, and moaning. Sam and I exchanged worried glances.

“Yes,” I said hoarsely and dully, as if it wasn’t my own voice. “What happened will change everything.”

My stomach growled unpleasantly, and we barely managed to eat a couple of crackers. Then, to distract myself, I grabbed the first book I could find from the shelf and began to read, stopping every minute to listen to the silence; however, I had grown accustomed to the hum of the lamps and the endless flickering of the lights. After a while, Sam started reading too, to kill the dragging minutes.

I scanned the sentences with my eyes, not understanding what was written. I looked at the letters but couldn’t read the words. My head hurt. A feeling of anxiety buzzed in my chest. Unnoticed by myself, I tapped my foot on the floor, tense. Time stretched on, and my emotions gradually dulled.

I spent the night in a state similar to oblivion. I remember how Katherine woke up a few times, how she had hysterics, and Sam and I tried to calm her down; how the light went out completely, and fear surged again. How I was afraid to open my eyes when those monsters started pounding on the door of the bookstore; how I sat, hugging my knees and trying not to cry. How distant sirens wailed above us. How the echoes of explosions resonated. How I wanted to run from this place. How Sam first slept while I kept watch, thinking I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep. How Dort then took over my watch, and I lay on the floor, curled up, staring at one spot.

And I became that spot. A tiny grain of sand among billions of stars in the endless, cold sky.

And I didn’t know how long it had been before the anxious and painful sleep overcame me. I don’t remember when exhaustion overtook me so completely that it swallowed me into oblivion. I dreamed that I was running somewhere, and someone was chasing me, but I couldn’t see his face. I ran, not feeling the ground beneath my feet, stumbling, falling, getting back up. A mountain loomed in front of me, but I didn’t have the strength to reach it – I kept running and running, unable to move forward. I dreamed of the dead attacking the living… In the dream, I was sure those creatures were the dead. I dreamed of blood. Lots of blood. My hands were covered in someone else's blood. And I cried in my sleep. I cried uncontrollably, gasping, choking on my own tears. I pleaded for help, screamed into the sky, and got no answer. And I felt the pain tearing me apart from the inside… And I dreamed of snow. I lay on the ground, looking up at the gray sky, and large snowflakes fell on me. It was so cold that I couldn’t feel my body. But I felt something cold and slippery constricting my throat, like snakes. The snow fell. And the terrible fear…

I woke up suddenly, breathing heavily and quickly turning from my back to my side. My heart was pounding wildly. There was a dull thud at the door. Darkness. A monotonous echo. Helplessness.

“Sam?” I whispered, shivering uncontrollably and looking around. “Sam?!”

The guy appeared from behind the shelf, armed with a long mop. His hair was disheveled, his reddened eyes were inflamed.

“Shh,” he hissed. “They’re there. Four of them. And…” Sam swallowed the rest of the sentence. He couldn’t finish. There's no escaping reality.

I wanted to scream to drown out the external sounds, but I only nodded to Sam, sinking back down to the floor and staring up at the ceiling.

The realization of my own helplessness in the face of the circumstances was suffocating. There was a way out. The only way. And it led up, through the doors.

But outside, behind the glass, the infected were waiting for us. Were they even alive? It was impossible to survive with such wounds. Could it be that monsters from ancient legends and forgotten tales had emerged into our world? Could those terrifying creatures spoken of in the ominous prophecies of religious texts become reality? Ghosts from nightmares. Phantoms from the worn myths of distant icy lands. What else could those dreadful entities be? Madmen? Cannibals? Was it all just a harbinger of the impending end, as the Goddess Mother sang about in the scriptures?

All we could do was wait. And we didn’t even know what or who we were waiting for. Inaction clouded our minds, painting horrific images of the imminent future that awaited us. If it even existed for us. Who knew what was happening above right now?

We had come for materials, but had ended up in a trap. Why hadn’t the news from the past few weeks stopped us? Why hadn’t the widespread city closures scared us? Why had we taken it so lightly and let the seriousness pass us by? Why had we so easily pushed aside the memory of those patients in the hospital who bit, tore, and growled? Why had the people on the street become just like those patients?..

And most importantly.

Why hadn’t the Three disclosed the information about the Northern Plague? Why hadn’t they shed light on what was happening in the North and taken preemptive action?

Sam continued to stand a little way off, peering through the gaps between the bookshelves at the door. Holding the mop. Wearing a T-shirt with a caricatured monster. The absurdity and horror of the situation were overwhelming. Could anything be so funny when blood freezes in your veins?

What was happening had engulfed us completely, like a sudden wave knocking an unsuspecting person off their feet and throwing them onto the hot sand. It was hard to gather our thoughts and think everything through logically, but that was exactly what we needed to do. But could we?..

We were too scared. Too lost.

***

Snow was falling. Large flakes drifted down. Another dream, where there was only an endless white field and a gray sky… but the ground was soaked with blood.

I don’t know when I dozed off. I just fell into unconsciousness for a couple of hours – vague, blurred dreams woven from eerie visions and equally frightening memories – and when I opened my eyes again, hoping to see my room or, at the very least, the ceiling of the trailer, a groan of disappointment escaped my chest. For the first few seconds, I lay there, curled up in a ball, unable to summon the strength to get up. I heard Katherine speaking quietly to Sam.

Alienation. As if my body didn’t belong to me, as if the hours of captivity were not mine, not experienced by me, not lived through by me.

“What time is it?” I finally managed to say.

Katherine flinched, and Sam turned to look at me with concern.

“Almost eight,” the girl replied, tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear; I nodded briefly as I sat up and glanced at Sam. “And… they’re gone.”

For a brief moment, I felt an overwhelming lightness, relief, and Katherine's naive words seemed to lift a weight off my shoulders. It was the fraction of a moment when I allowed myself to believe that the infected had left and that we could leave the store and finally escape this terrible place – deciding to do so was frightening, but waiting for an illusory help was even scarier – to step outside and finally find out what had really happened. Then I could forget this entire day, wipe the nightmare from my mind forever!

But such a bright and perfect fantasy suddenly frightened me. Even disoriented me. And a vague doubt gripped my lungs with panic. No one was washing the blood-stained floors. No one was going to work. No one was trying to save us. My back was already damp with sweat, and it took extraordinary effort to breathe in and out, trying to push away the confusion and think coldly.

I desperately wanted to hope that everything would soon return to normal. It had to return. I still believed that. And faith was the only thing we had left.

“Steph?” I flinched and looked at Sam. He must have called me more than once.

“We have to leave here. Now. While we have the chance,” I stated firmly.

“Leave?” Sam looked bewildered, and his voice was full of undeniable worry.

“What if they… are still out there?” Katherine clutched at the large wooden buttons of her jacket. “Help is supposed to come for us. Maybe we should wait?” She added with hope, but I shook my head stubbornly.

The exit seemed non-existent, the existence of the world outside the bookstore unnatural; but staying here and waiting for the outcome meant only a temporary lull before the inevitable end. I had no plan, I didn't understand what was happening, I didn’t know what to do. I knew nothing, and the only conviction that was growing stronger was the dulled realization that I needed to save myself.

A quick, terrible end was better than endless horror. But I didn’t know then…

“We need to go,” I repeated insistently. “Think, what if help never comes?” My voice was soft, emotionless; I glanced sideways at Sam, whose face showed doubt and strange notes of bitterness and disappointment. “How long will we stay here? How much time do we have before it's no longer safe? We can't be sure who they are or what they’re capable of. Who will guarantee that we’re protected from the threat?” A short pause. “We are without information, without knowledge; only one thing is certain… I won't stay underground.”

“And who will guarantee that we’ll be safe above? And what will we do when we get out?” Katherine, taking a shaky breath, did not back down.

“Sam,” I ignored her question, looking into Dort’s face, “don’t forget, Andrew is still out there. He wouldn’t have left without us, I’m sure of it. We need to go back. We have to go back. While there’s still a chance to escape.”

Dort continued to stand silently, staring at me, but then hesitantly nodded, glancing briefly at Katherine.

It all felt like some kind of nonsense, a dream, hallucinations.

“Alright,” I pushed my hair back, “fine, let’s try.”

Sam reached out a hand, helping me to my feet, and handed me a bottle of water; then, without saying a word, he walked behind the shelf to check the situation outside the glass. Katherine immediately got up, holding her bag and handing me my backpack. She was swollen from crying and barely stood, looking as though she could only take a few steps before collapsing unconscious.

“Let’s go,” I whispered, taking her arm, “we’ll catch up to Sam.”

He was already waiting for us, clutching that ridiculous mop and watching the darkness of the hall outside the glass with suspicion. We paused at the door for a few moments. The dreadful darkness seemed to crawl across the floor, intermittently illuminated by flashes of light. Thick darkness. Tar-like. I looked ahead and didn’t want to cross the threshold of the bookstore. Yet, I didn’t break my desperate gaze at Sam, catching his reflection and mentally commanding myself to be brave.

Katherine took out the keys and approached the door…

“Let’s go!” I said hoarsely as soon as the girl threw it open; a sharp, nauseating stench of decay hit my nose, and a sour taste filled my mouth. I covered the lower half of my face with my hand, trying to fight the urge to vomit. Hastily, but cautiously, we made our way to the stairs, glancing around and nervously looking over our shoulders. The floor was dark with traces of blood, scraps of clothing, chunks of meat… Somewhere in the depths of the darkened grocery store, a shadow flickered. “Sam!” I whispered quickly, tugging at the back of his hoodie, “Sam!” He turned, holding the mop in front of him. “Faster! To the stairs!”

Katherine grabbed my hand, and we sprinted together. My heart pounded in my throat, and my ears filled with a whistling, droning sound. Sam followed us. The landings passed in what seemed like a few steps, although my legs felt like jelly. At the very top, I stopped abruptly, holding Katherine and Dort back, and peeked over the railing into the hall – it was empty. Only blood, shattered glass, an overturned coffee vending machine… and a lifeless, torn body in the corner.

It felt like I had been struck. I gasped for air, unable to tear my gaze away. My chest tightened, and a chill wrapped around my spine. Sam tried to pull me, but I still stood frozen.

Fear. Fear. Fear. It poisoned, bound, chained.

“Stephanie, we need to go, – Dort pulled me forward; now he was cautiously and carefully leading us to the exit. Katherine still gripped my hand tightly, trying to stay as close as possible, and we looked around nervously, feeling neither the floor beneath us nor the strength in our legs. I could clearly hear some noises.

What’s happening, Heaven? What’s happening?! There was no feeling of life, only the breath of death slipping out of every corner.

“Let’s go!” Sam opened the door to the street. “Faster, ahead, faster!”

We burst out into the street. First, the blinding light – just for a second, only because we had been in the dark for so long – then the breeze carrying the smoky scent of burning and blood. After that, a silent scream ripped from my chest and my vision cleared. Sam froze, looking around in shock. Katherine covered her mouth with her hand… And I, taking an uneven step forward, swayed.

Overturned, smoking cars, houses scorched with soot. Nearby, a crashed helicopter with a twisted body, flames flickering on its tail. Silence. Deep, dead silence. People’s bodies. Torn apart, heads shattered. In the distance, a lone car sped by, wheels screeching, knocking everything in its path.

The strong, cold wind burned my face, ruffling my hair in an instant. The sky was dark and heavy with clouds, and no light worked. Around us was destruction, chaos, mayhem. It felt as if we had been cast into a completely different world. We had lived in one world; just yesterday, we had lived in that world, and today, we had been transported into an even more terrifying, twisted reality. I couldn’t think, let alone breathe properly… And even after seeing all the bodies below, after witnessing a person being torn apart before my eyes. I couldn’t believe this was real. Especially when I saw even more bodies outside.

Katherine, collapsing to the ground, whimpered softly to avoid crying out loud. I wanted to scream, but I remained silent. I wanted to wake up, forget, go home. But this was not a dream.

“Carlos!” Katherine suddenly cried out, and I almost screamed in surprise. I quickly turned around, seeing the girl throw herself around the neck of a young man who had a huge backpack slung over his shoulders. Katherine was sobbing uncontrollably, unable to calm down, while the stranger held her close, running his hands through her hair and urgently whispering in her ear. Then he looked at Sam and me and nodded.

“Thank you,” the young man rasped tiredly, “for being with her…”

“What happened?” Sam asked, almost interrupting.

“No idea, really,” Carlos replied anxiously. “At first, they told everyone to stay home, barricade ourselves, and wait for further instructions. They spoke about the danger of crossing paths with those creatures… Many didn’t follow the instructions, and by the afternoon, mass panic had started. Reports began coming in about a city-wide evacuation, and then the city was hit by airstrikes,” the man shook his head. “I can’t explain or describe it. Everything became a blur… But the city is a trap. We need to leave. There are no customs checkpoints. There’s nothing left here. My advice to you – take a car and leave as quickly as possible; staying here is pure madness. We’d take you with us, but all the spots are filled.”

“It’s okay,” Sam said, swallowing hard and nodding. “We have people waiting for us too.”

Katherine turned to us without saying a word. In her eyes was a silent farewell. She wiped her eyes and reached into her pocket, and in the next moment, she threw me the keys to the store.

“If you ever need to come back,” Katherine sniffled, and I thought that I never wanted to set foot in that place again. “Goodbye! Good luck!”

Carlos, still holding Katherine close, led her across the street.

Suddenly, a shiver of thunder rolled through the air; it felt as if the sky above us shook. I flinched and grabbed Sam’s hoodie, and we unsteadily moved away. He supported me, whispering something, while I could barely move my feet. Step by step, each one more painful than the last.

Dark. Chilly. Quiet. Everything around was anthracite-gray, smoking, lifeless. The world seemed to absorb the soft sounds of our footsteps, echoing in the emptiness. And the bodies. Blood and bodies.

In all my life, I had never seen anything like this.

After what felt like an agonizingly long few minutes, Sam suddenly froze. His eyes widened, he squeezed my hand so hard it hurt, and he muttered frantically:

“Steph, look!”

3

I turned around in fear, expecting to see something that could kill us, tear us apart, but instead, I saw a glimmer of a better outcome, a hope – faint, ephemeral, but hope that allowed me to believe that we could escape this hell. Hope that we would live.

A group of soldiers was heading our way; there were about eight of them, and one person was being carried in their arms.

“Hey!” I suddenly shouted, jumping up and waving my arms. The certainty that the soldiers would help us quickly clouded my mind – who better to know about all this shit than them?!

“Be quiet!” Sam snapped. “They already saw us! Don’t draw any more attention!”

“Sam, it's a miracle, Sam!” I whispered wildly, reaching out with cold fingers to grab his hoodie. “They’re going to get us out! We’ll go home…”

Dort gave me a doubtful look, making an effort to feign resignation. I didn’t notice the despair that flashed across his face; I probably didn’t want to… I just wanted the confusion and fear to clear from my mind. I wished to leave the city, shake off the stench, stop seeing the triumph of chaos and death. Let the nightmare end and fade away – whether not in a day or a month, but someday, erased from my memory.

That fleeting glimmer of hope helped me find my strength. The exhaustion passed, and for a moment, I felt as if I could move mountains, as long as someone explained what was happening.

But hope is deceptive.

Forgetting fear and danger, I pulled Sam forward, walking as fast as I could. My legs, feeling as heavy as lead, could barely carry me. But I didn’t care; I needed to reach the soldiers, to get answers to at least some of my questions.

“What’s going on?” Sam asked nervously and loudly before we had even caught up to the soldiers, and the street echoed his question, carried by a gust of wind; I snapped to awareness and glanced worriedly at Dort. He had never liked people in uniform, despised anything related to weapons and violence. How desperate must he be to be the first to start a conversation…

The man leading the group raised a finger to his lips in warning and spoke only when we were no more than a meter apart.

“Nothing good,” he said, giving us a scrutinizing look. He looked to be around forty to forty-five; short, greasy black hair, touched with gray in places, dark, thick eyebrows, and narrow lips. He held a rifle against his chest. “I assume you spent the night in isolation?” And, without waiting for an answer, he continued. “The Northern Plague has spread through the remaining areas and swept the city overnight. There will be no evacuation. Government forces will not come. A safe place should be sought outside the neighborhood on your own.

But all I could think of was one phrase ringing in my head: "swept the city." I swayed. Swept the city? Everything had been fine yesterday. It had only been one night. Swept the city. Yesterday everything had been relatively normal!

“Are you injured?” asked one of the soldiers who stood a little apart. Sam shook his head.

“No, but it looks like you have injured people,” he began cautiously, “and we know of a more or less safe place; we spent the night in a bookstore…” He added urgently, “We need help and…”

“Lead the way. We’ll discuss everything there,” the man who had started speaking with us interrupted Sam. “But no foolishness.”

Sam nodded unevenly and pulled me back, still eyeing the soldiers impassively. The group was made up of men and two girls, one of whom, injured, was being carried. Her jacket was tied around her waist, and her shirt was soaked with blood – her shoulder was bleeding heavily, but she was alive: she moaned and occasionally twitched, gasping raggedly for air.

The man leading the group fell into step with me and Dort, and his gaze was as watchful and inquisitive as mine. He was a little taller than Sam; he exuded a sense of firmness and confidence on some physical level. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed that several weapons were pointed in our direction.

Soldiers like soldiers. Black uniforms, heavy high boots, backpacks, tactical vests, pouches, jackets, knee and elbow pads. On their belts – knives, spare weapons; some had holsters on their chests or legs. A few wore helmets.

“How did you survive these past twenty-four hours?” A man walking next to us asked hoarsely, examining us with a keen gaze. “A bookstore, huh? It's not exactly a place that associates with an impenetrable stronghold.”

“We haven't been outside since yesterday,” I replied more sharply than I intended. “Yesterday, around noon, we locked ourselves in the bookstore with an employee. The basement level. No windows. We can't be seen, and we can't see out. We only decided to venture out today. We were waiting for help, but it never came. We had to rely on ourselves. Honestly, we don't fully understand what's going on… if we understand anything at all.”

“Thank Mother,” he muttered bitterly. “If you had been outside in the evening or at night, you probably wouldn't have survived,” the soldier said, shaking his head thoughtfully as I tried to keep myself from panicking.