Once a Rebel

“Amen to that.” She fed the dog first, a lunch that he gobbled up in record time, nudging her for more. She obliged, then gave him an apple to play with while she and Ethan filled their paper plates with chicken, fruit and potato salad, keeping the cookies packed and out of Chocolate’s reach.

All too soon, the dog got bored with the apple and begged off Susan’s plate, just like Ethan knew he would. He’d been trying to break Chocolate of that habit, but he didn’t have the heart to scold him. The mutt had forged a cozy spot for himself, resting his head in her lap.

“You’re a bottomless pit.” She fed Chocolate more chicken, and he licked his chops.

“I can hardly blame him,” Ethan said. “This is good.”

“Thank you.” She smiled, making him envy the dog.

She looked pretty in the afternoon light, with her honey-colored hair and green eyes. Chic and sophisticated, even in jeans and boots and her lipstick wearing off.

He glanced at her mouth and wondered if she would let him kiss her when their date ended. Or would that be crossing the friendship line?

“Our timing is off,” he heard himself say.

“Why? Because I don’t sleep around anymore?”

“I didn’t mean it like that.” He removed bottled water from the saddlebag and took a swig. “I’m impressed with the way you grew up, but I miss you having a crush on me.”

She set her half-empty plate on the blanket. Chocolate was no longer interested in her food. He’d fallen asleep in her lap. “It wasn’t a healthy crush. Nothing I did then was healthy.”

Ethan drank more water, but he wasn’t able to cool his heels. “So now you’re tempering your feelings for me?”

“I can’t go back in time. I can’t become the old Susan, the girl who acted out her pain.”

He longed to touch her, to glide his fingers along her jaw, to comfort the girl she used to be. “I don’t want to go back in time, either. Can’t we separate the past from the present? Start over somehow?”

“I don’t know. Can we? I’ll bet you haven’t forgotten any of those rumors. I’ll bet they’re still occupying your mind.”

“Can you blame me?” He looked up and saw a hawk dive from a tree branch and sail into the air, like a red-tipped angel taking flight. “You were so sweet, so vulnerable, but you were wild, too. It drove me crazy.”

“I was trying to fill the void inside me. The emptiness that wouldn’t go away.”

“I knew you were mixed-up, and I wanted to make everything better. But I didn’t know how.”

She released a deep, emotional breath, stirring the dog, making him open his eyes for a second. “It wasn’t your job to fix me.”

Maybe not, but he was paying the price now. She’d fixed herself, and he was left with nothing but his memories. “I wanted to pound the crap out of every boy who touched you,” he said. “But there were too many names being bandied around. I never knew what to believe.”

“I didn’t have as many lovers as everyone said. The rumors got blown out of proportion.”

“I was so damn jealous, especially when I heard that you were helping some of those guys lose their virginity.”

A mild breeze rustled the leaves above their heads, intensifying the moment. He couldn’t help it. He was still jealous, still primed for a war party. But he knew she wasn’t going to name names.

“There was only one boy who was a virgin,” she finally said. “But at the time, so was I.”

Ethan frowned. “Then how did that rumor get started?”

“Because I pretended that I’d done it before. He was really drunk, so he didn’t know the difference.” She bit the inside of her lip, as if the experience was still raw. “I knew he would talk about it afterward, and I wanted you to find out.”

A lump formed in his throat. “Why? So I’d say ‘to hell with it’ and lose my virginity to you, too?”

She nodded. “It was the only thing I could think of to get your attention. Nothing else was working.”

“I’m sorry, Susan.”

“It wasn’t your fault. It was me. I did it to myself.”

And she’d kept doing it, he thought. She’d kept flaunting other guys in front of him.

Silent, he finished his food and set his plate next to hers, trying to maintain his composure, to ease the sudden tension, the confession in her eyes, the ache in his chest.

“Don’t feel guilty, Ethan. Sleeping with that boy didn’t change who I was. I’d already been messing around before I came to Red Rock.” She gnawed on the inside of her lip again. “Sneaking out of the house, drinking with my friends, learning how to give oral sex.”

“I wasn’t running wild,” he admitted. “But I had a girlfriend before I met you, and we used to engage in some serious foreplay. We just didn’t go all the way.”

She managed a smile. “And here I thought you were a Boy Scout. Proper Ethan.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, you were full of surprises, too. You hardly ever studied, but you got amazing grades. Like a computer nerd or something.”

“Being an honor-roll student was easy for me. But being smart wasn’t what I was after. Not until I straightened up my life and went off to college.”

“Stanford,” he said, then let out a low whistle. “You can’t beat that.”

“Ryan paid for it. I owe him my education.”

Ethan had attended Texas A&M, and he’d been strapped with student loans, debts he’d finally paid off. “I tried not to think about you over the years, but I always wondered how you were.”

She stroked the top of Chocolate’s head, making the big dopey dog sigh in his sleep. “Me, too. Every so often, I’d ask Ryan about you. But I didn’t want to overdo it.”

“And now here we are. On our first date.” He packed up the picnic supplies. “I guess it wasn’t as casual as I promised.”

She looked around. “The atmosphere was casual.”

“But not the conversation.”

“Friends should be candid with each other. I’m glad we talked about it.”

He raised his eyebrows at her. “You wanna tell my libido that?”

She shrugged, laughed, made a silly face at him. “You’ll get over it. Besides, abstinence makes the heart grow fonder.”

“That’s absence, smarty.” And his heart was already fond of her. Or was that his hormones? At this point, he couldn’t be sure.

She woke up the dog and they rode back to the hunting cabin, silence humming between them. Once they arrived, he unsaddled the horses and she offered to let him keep the leftovers, including the untouched cookies.

As she prepared to leave, he debated his options. He knew a kiss was out of the question, but he wasn’t about to settle for a handshake.

He opted for a hug, taking an awkward step toward her, like a teenage boy who was about to trip over his own feet. When he took her in his arms, she put her head on his shoulder.

He buried his nose in her hair and inhaled the faded scent of her shampoo. It was lemon, just like when they were young.

She stepped back and smiled at him, but her eyes were a little glassy. He wondered if the contact had made her warm.

“I’ll guess we’ll see each other around,” she said.

He tried to seem unaffected. “Sure. Anytime.”

She walked toward the SUV, and Chocolate trotted after her.

“You can’t go home with her,” Ethan told the dog.

Chocolate ignored the warning. When Susan opened the driver side, he muscled past her and leaped inside. Then he scooted over, waiting for her to get behind the wheel.

She stood beside the vehicle and laughed. “I guess he made up his mind.”

Ethan shook his head. “I’ll drag his butt out of there.”

“No, it’s okay. He can stay with me for a while. I’m sure Ryan and Lily won’t mind.”

“He’ll want to sleep in your bed. But he won’t keep you warm. He’ll hog the covers.”

“With all that fur? I’ll take my chances.” She climbed into the SUV, started the engine and rolled down the windows. Chocolate curled up on the seat.

Ethan figured there was no point in pushing the issue. If she was willing to babysit his dog, there wasn’t much he could do. “Call me if he gives you any trouble. Ryan has my number.”

“Thank you. I will.”

Her gaze caught his and they stared at each other through the passenger window. Then Chocolate popped up and stuck his head in the way, gloating, no doubt, that he’d gotten the girl.

The one Ethan kept losing.

After watching the eleven o’clock news, Susan curled up with Chocolate. A light burned beside the bed, illuminating the room, casting a white sheen over the book in her hand.

The Lab burrowed deeper beside her. He was more than a blanket hog. His body was pressed so close to hers, he could have been her conjoined twin.

“I can’t concentrate,” she told him as she closed the novel and placed it on the nightstand.

She couldn’t quit thinking about Ethan.

The dog yawned, and she scratched his ears, wondering if his master was in bed. Which wasn’t a good sign. If her mind strayed too far in that direction, she would start obsessing about Ethan, letting him consume her, as he did when they were young.

No, she thought. She hadn’t earned a Ph.D. in psychology to become her own patient all over again. Been there, done that, she told herself.

Then why not analyze Ethan instead? That wasn’t the same as obsessing about him, and she had every right to figure out what he was up to.

Why did he want to sleep with her so badly, especially after dodging her teenage advances? Was it a hard-hitting sexual conquest? A man thinking with his penis? A guy who wished he’d nailed the bad girl all those years ago?

On a primal level, that was a definite possibility, something an adult male might consider. But for an elusive boy who’d wanted to make everything better, to heal her rebellious heart, it seemed out of character.

So maybe he was trying to bandage those old wounds. Not consciously, but deep down, where it counted. Where he’d needed her as much as she’d needed him.

But how could she be sure? Ethan had always kept his feelings to himself. Unlike her, who’d rammed her emotions down everyone else’s throats.

A light knock sounded at the door, and Chocolate lifted his head, his sleepy eyes going wide.

“It’s me,” Lily said through the wood.

“Come in,” Susan told her.

The older woman entered, then smiled at the dog, who thumped his tail in a friendly greeting. “I see your companion found a cozy spot.”

“More than cozy.” Susan scratched his ears again. “He’s glued to my side.”

“I think Ryan half expected you to bring Ethan home instead.”

“I would have.” She gave Lily a teasing grin. “If I hadn’t changed my wicked ways.”

Lily chuckled, then sat in a bentwood rocker that creaked with age. She placed her hands on the curved wood and set the chair into a soft, gliding motion. She wore a cotton nightgown and a chenille robe. Her thick hair was fastened into a single braid.

“Is Ryan asleep?” Susan asked.

“He drifted off hours ago, but I can’t seem to settle in.”

“Too much on your mind?”

“Ryan keeps telling me that he won’t let Jason Jamison hurt anyone in our family, but I can’t help but worry. Ryan is ill, and there’s a madman threatening us. There’s only so much I can take.”

“I know. I’m so sorry.” Susan moved to the edge of the bed, closer to Lily. “I think Ryan is just as worried as you are, but he’s trying to remain strong.”

“To prove that he can protect us? Even though he’s dying?”

Susan nodded. She’d seen the determination on Ryan’s face, and she knew how often he consulted his security team. “I wonder when the FBI agent will contact you. When he’ll uncover Jason’s whereabouts.”

“Soon, I hope. That’s what’s so creepy. Just knowing Jason is out there.” She rubbed her arms, even though she was wrapped in a robe. “Maybe I would feel safer if Ryan wasn’t ill. Maybe that’s why I’m having such a hard time with this. I’m losing my rock, my stability.”

“You haven’t lost him yet, Lily. He’s still here, asleep down the hall.”

The older woman blinked away the tears that gathered in her eyes. “You’re right.” She let out a deep sigh. “I love him so much.”

“And he loves you.”

“Yes, he does. And that’s the most comforting feeling in the world.” She stood, smiled at Susan and Chocolate. “Thank you. It helps to talk.”

“For me, too.” She came to her feet and gave Lily a hug. The dog climbed off the bed and tried to nuzzle his way between them, wanting to be part of the embrace.

They stepped back and laughed, giving in to the moment, to the humor the Lab provided.

“He doesn’t seem like a stray,” Lily said.

“Ethan spoils him. He pretends not to, but he does.”

Lily looked up at her. “I can hardly blame him. You better hang on to that one.”

But after Lily said good-night and left the room, Susan wasn’t sure who “that one” was.

Chocolate. Or the man who’d rescued him.

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