The Scornful Lady

Elder Lo. Though you deserve not so much at my hands, yet if you be in such earnest, I'le speak a word with you; but I beseech you be brief: for in good faith there's a Parson and a licence stay for us i'th' Church all this while: and you know 'tis night.

Lady. Sir, give me hearing patiently, and whatsoever I have heretofore spoke jestingly, forget: for as I hope for mercy any where, what I shall utter now is from my heart, and as I mean.

Elder Lo. Well, well, what do you mean?

Lady. Was not I once your Mistress, and you my Servant?

Elder Lo. O 'tis about the old matter.

Lady. Nay good Sir stay me out; I would but hear you excuse your self, why you should take this woman, and leave me.

Elder Lo. Prethee why not, deserves she not as much as you?

Lady. I think not, if you will look With an indifferency upon us both.

Elder Lo. Upon your faces, 'tis true: but if judiciously we shall cast our eyes upon your minds, you are a thousand women of her in worth: she cannot swound in jest, nor set her lover tasks, to shew her peevishness, and his affection, nor cross what he saies, though it be Canonical. She's a good plain wench, that will do as I will have her, and bring me lusty Boys to throw the Sledge, and lift at Pigs of Lead: and for a Wife, she's far beyond you: what can you do in a houshold to provide for your issue, but lye i' bed and get 'em? your business is to dress you, and at idle hours to eat; when she can do a thousand profitable things: she can do pretty well in the Pastry, and knows how Pullen should be cram'd, she cuts Cambrick at a thread, weaves Bone-lace, and quilts Balls; and what are you good for?

Lady. Admit it true, that she were far beyond me in all respects, does that give you a licence to forswear your self?

Elder Lo. Forswear my self, how?

Lady. Perhaps you have forgotten the innumerable oaths you have utter'd in disclaiming all for Wives but me: I'le not remember you: God give you joy.

Elder Lo. Nay but conceive me, the intent of oaths is ever understood: Admit I should protest to such a friend, to see him at his Lodging to morrow: Divines would never hold me perjur'd if I were struck blind, or he hid him where my diligent search could not find him: so there were no cross act of mine own in't. Can it be imagined I mean to force you to Marriage, and to have you whether you will or no?

Lady. Alas you need not. I make already tender of my self, and then you are forsworn.

Elder Lo. Some sin I see indeed must necessarily fall upon me, as whosoever deals with Women shall never utterly avoid it: yet I would chuse the least ill; which is to forsake you, that have done me all the abuses of a malignant Woman, contemn'd my service, and would have held me prating about Marriage, till I had been past getting of Children: then her that hath forsaken her Family, and put her tender body in my hand, upon my word—

Lady. Which of us swore you first to?

Elder Lo. Why to you.

Lady. Which oath is to be kept then?

Elder Lo. I prethee do not urge my sins unto me, Without I could amend 'em.

Lady. Why you may by wedding me.

Elder Lo. How will that satisfie my word to her?

Lady. 'Tis not to be kept, and needs no satisfaction, 'Tis an error fit for repentance only.

Elder Lo. Shall I live to wrong that tender hearted Virgin so? It may not be.

Lady. Why may it not be?

Elder Lo. I swear I would rather marry thee than her: but yet mine honesty?

Lady. What honesty? 'Tis more preserv'd this way: Come, by this light, servant, thou shalt, I'le kiss thee on't.

Elder Lo. This kiss indeed is sweet, pray God no sin lie under it.

Lady. There is no sin at all, try but another.

Wel. O my heart!

Mar. Help Sister, this Lady swounds.

Elder Lo. How do you?

Wel. Why very well, if you be so.

Elder Lo. Since a quiet mind lives not in any Woman, I shall do a most ungodly thing. Hear me one word more, which by all my hopes I will not alter, I did make an oath when you delai'd me so, that this very night I would be married. Now if you will go without delay, suddenly, as late as it is, with your own Minister to your own Chapel, I'le wed you and to bed.

Lady. A match dear servant.

Elder Lo. For if you should forsake me now, I care not, she would not though for all her injuries, such is her spirit. If I be not ashamed to kiss her now I part, may I not live.

Wel. I see you go, as slily as you think to steal away: yet I will pray for you; all blessings of the world light on you two, that you may live to be an aged pair. All curses on me if I do not speak what I do wish indeed.

Elder Lo. If I can speak to purpose to her, I am a villain.

Lady. Servant away.

Mar. Sister, will you Marry that inconstant man? think you he will not cast you off to morrow, to wrong a Lady thus, lookt she like dirt, 'twas basely done. May you ne're prosper with him.

Wel. Now God forbid. Alas I was unworthy, so I told him.

Mar. That was your modesty, too good for him. I would not see your wedding for a world.

Lady. Chuse chuse, come Younglove.

[Exit La. Elder Lo. and Young.

Mar. Dry up your eyes forsooth, you shall not think we are all such uncivil beasts as these. Would I knew how to give you a revenge.

Wel. So would not I: No let me suffer truly, that I desire.

Mar. Pray walk in with me, 'tis very late, and you shall stay all night: your bed shall be no worse than mine; I wish I could but do you right.

Wel. My humble thanks: God grant I may but live to quit your love. [Exeunt.

Enter Young Loveless and Savil.

Young Lo. Did your Master send for me Savil?

Sav. Yes, he did send for your worship Sir.

Young Lo. Do you know the business?

Sav. Alas Sir, I know nothing, nor am imployed beyond my hours of eating. My dancing days are done Sir.

Young Lo. What art thou now then?

Sav. If you consider me in little, I am with your worships reverence Sir, a Rascal: one that upon the next anger of your Brother, must raise a sconce by the high way, and sell switches; my wife is learning now Sir, to weave inkle.

Young Lo. What dost thou mean to do with thy Children Savil?

Sav. My eldest boy is half a Rogue already, he was born bursten, and your worship knows, that is a pretty step to mens compassions. My youngest boy I purpose Sir to bind for ten years to a G[ao]ler, to draw under him, that he may shew us mercy in his function.

Young Lo. Your family is quartered with discretion: you are resolved to Cant then: where Savil shall your scene lie?

Sav. Beggers must be no chusers. In every place (I take it) but the stocks.

Young Lo. This is your drinking, and your whoring Savil, I told you of it, but your heart was hardened.

Sav. 'Tis true, you were the first that told me of it I do remember yet in tears, you told me you would have Whores, and in that passion Sir, you broke out thus; Thou miserable man, repent, and brew three Strikes more in a Hogshead. 'Tis noon e're we be drunk now, and the time can tarry for no man.

Young Lo. Y'are grown a bitter Gentleman. I see misery can clear your head better than Mustard, I'le be a sutor for your Keys again Sir.

Sav. Will you but be so gracious to me Sir? I shall be bound.

Young Lo. You shall Sir To your bunch again, or I'le miss foully.

Enter Morecraft.

Mor. Save you Gentleman, save you.

Young Lo. Now Polecat, what young Rabets nest have you to draw?

Mor. Come, prethee be familiar Knight.

Young Lo. Away Fox, I'le send for Terriers for you.

Mor. Thou art wide yet: I'le keep thee companie.

Young Lo. I am about some business; Indentures, If ye follow me I'le beat you: take heed, A[s] I live I'le cancel your Coxcomb.

Mor. Thou art cozen'd now, I am no usurer: What poor fellow's this?

Savil. I am poor indeed Sir.

Mor. Give him mony Knight.

Young Lo. Do you begin the offering.

Mor. There poor fellow, here's an Angel for thee.

Young Lo. Art thou in earnest Morecraft?

Mor. Yes faith Knight, I'le follow thy example: thou hadst land and thousands, thou spendst, and flungst away, and yet it flows in double: I purchased, wrung, and wierdraw'd, for my wealth, lost, and was cozen'd: for which I make a vow, to trie all the waies above ground, but I'le find a constant means to riches without curses.

Young Lo. I am glad of your conversion Master Morecraft: Y'are in a fair course, pray pursue it still.

Mor. Come, we are all gallants now, I'le keep thee company; Here honest fellow, for this Gentlemans sake, there's two Angels more for thee.

Savil. God quite you Sir, and keep you long in this mind.

Young Lo. Wilt thou persevere?

Mor. Till I have a penny. I have brave cloathes a making, and two horses; canst thou not help me to a match Knight, I'le lay a thousand pound upon my crop-ear.

Yo. Lo. Foot, this is stranger than an Africk monster, There will be no more talk of the Cleve wars Whilst this lasts, come, I'le put thee into blood.

Sav. Would all his damn'd tribe were as tender hearted. I beseech you let this Gentleman join with you in the recovery of my Keyes; I like his good beginning Sir, the whilst I'le pray for both your worships.

Young Lo. He shall Sir.

Mor. Shall we goe noble Knight? I would fain be acquainted.

Young Lo. I'le be your Servant Sir. [Exeunt.

Enter Elder Loveless, and Lady.

Elder Lo. Faith my sweet Lady, I have caught you now, maugre your subtilties, and fine devices, be coy again now.

Lady. Prethee sweet-heart tell true.

Elder Lo. By this light, by all the pleasures I have had this night, by your lost maidenhead, you are cozened meerly. I have cast beyond your wit. That Gentleman is your retainer Welford.

Lady. It cannot be so.

Elder Lo. Your Sister has found it so, or I mistake, mark how she blushes when you see her next. Ha, ha, ha, I shall not travel now, ha, ha, ha.

Lady. Prethee sweet heart be quiet, thou hast angred me at heart.

Elder Lo. I'le please you soon again.

La. Welford?

Elder Lo. I Welford, hee's a young handsome fellow, well bred and landed, your Sister can instruct you in his good parts, better than I by this time.

Lady. Uds foot am I fetcht over thus?

Elder Lo. Yes i'faith. And over shall be fetcht again, never fear it.

Lady. I must be patient, though it torture me: You have got the Sun Sir.

Elder Lo. And the Moon too, in which I'le be the man.

Lady. But had I known this, had I but surmiz'd it, you should have hunted three trains more, before you had come to th' course, you should have hankt o'th' bridle, Sir, i'faith.

El. Lo. I knew it, and min'd with you, and so blew you up. Now you may see the Gentlewoman: stand close.

Enter Welford, and Martha.

Mar. For Gods sake Sir, be private in this business, You have undone me else. O God, what have I done?

Wel. No harm I warrant thee.

Mar. How shall I look upon my friends again? With what face?

Wel. Why e'ne with that: 'tis a good one, thou canst not find a better: look upon all the faces thou shall see there, and you shall find 'em smooth still, fair still, sweet still, and to your thinking honest; those have done as much as you have yet, or dare doe Mistris, and yet they keep no stir.

Mar. Good Sir goe in, and put your womans cloaths on: If you be seen thus, I am lost for ever.

Wel. I'le watch you for that Mistris: I am no fool, here will I tarry till the house be up and witness with me.

Mar. Good dear friend goe in.

Wel. To bed again if you please, else I am fixt here till there be notice taken what I am, and what I have done: if you could juggle me into my woman-hood again, and so cog me out of your company, all this would be forsworn, and I again an asinego, as your Sister left me. No, I'le have it known and publisht; then if you'le be a whore, forsake me and be asham'd: and when you can hold no longer, marry some cast Cleve Captain, and sell Bottle-ale.

Mar. I dare not stay Sir, use me modestly, I am your wife.

Wel. Goe in, I'le make up all.

Elder Lo. I'le be a witness of your naked truth Sir: this is the Gentlewoman, prethee look upon him, that is he that made me break my faith sweet: but thank your Sister, she hath soder'd it.

Lady. What a dull ass was I, I could not see this wencher from a wench: twenty to one, if I had been but tender like my Sister, he had served me such a slippery trick too.

Wel. Twenty to one I had.

Elder Lo. I would have watcht you Sir, by your good patience, for ferreting in my ground.

Lady. You have been with my Sister.

Wel. Yes to bring.

Elder Lo. An heir into the world he means.

Lady. There is no chafing now.

Wel. I have had my part on't: I have been chaft this three hours, that's the least, I am reasonable cool now.

Lady. Cannot you fare well, but you must cry roast-meat?

Wel. He that fares well, and will not bless the founders, is either surfeited, or ill taught, Lady, for mine own part, I have found so sweet a diet, I can commend it, though I cannot spare it.

Elder Lo. How like you this dish, Welford, I made a supper on't, and fed so heartily, I could not sleep.

Lady. By this light, had I but scented out your [train], ye had slept with a bare pillow in your arms and kist that, or else the bed-post, for any wife ye had got this twelve-month yet: I would have vext you more than a try'd post-horse; and been longer bearing, than ever after-game at Irish was. Lord, that I were unmarried again.

Elder Lo. Lady I would not undertake ye, were you again a Haggard, for the best cast of four Ladys i'th' Kingdom: you were ever tickle-footed, and would not truss round.

Wel. Is she fast?

Elder Lo. She was all night lockt here boy.

Wel. Then you may lure her without fear of losing: take off her Cranes. You have a delicate Gentlewoman to your Sister: Lord what a prettie furie she was in, when she perceived I was a man: but I thank God I satisfied her scruple, without the Parson o'th' town.

Elder Lo. What did ye?

Wel. Madam, can you tell what we did?

Elder Lo. She has a shrewd guess at it I see it by her.

Lady. Well you may mock us: but my large Gentlewoman, my Mary Ambre, had I but seen into you, you should have had another bed-fellow, fitter a great deal for your itch.

Wel. I thank you Lady, me thought it was well, You are so curious.

Enter Young Loveless, his Lady, Morecraft, Savil, and two Servingmen.

El. Lo. Get on your doublet, here comes my Brother.

Yo. Lo. Good morrow Brother, and all good to your Lady.

Mor. God save you and good morrow to you all.

El. Lo. Good morrow. Here's a poor brother of yours.

Lady. Fie how this shames me.

Mor. Prethee good fellow help me to a cup of beer.

Ser. I will Sir.

Yo. Lo. Brother what makes you here? will this Lady do? Will she? is she not nettl'd still?

Elder Lo. No I have cur'd her. Mr. Welford, pray know this Gentleman is my Brother.

Wel. Sir I shall long to love him.

Yo. Lo. I shall not be your debter Sir. But how is't with you?

Elder Lo. As well as may be man: I am married: your new acquaintance hath her Sister, and all's well.

Yo. Lo. I am glad on't. Now my prettie Lady Sister, How do you find my Brother?

Lady. Almost as wild as you are.

Yo. Lo. He will make the better husband: you have tried him?

Lady. Against my will Sir.

Yo. Lo. Hee'l make your will amends soon, do not doubt it. But Sir I must intreat you to be better known To this converted Jew here.

Ser. Here's Beer for you Sir.

Mor. And here's for you an Angel: Pray buy no Land, 'twill never prosper Sir.

Elder Lo. How's this?

Yo. Lo. Bless you, and then I'le tell: He's turn'd Gallant.

Elder Lo. Gallant?

Yo. Lo. I Gallant, and is now called, Cutting Morecraft: The reason I'le inform you at more leisure.

Wel. O good Sir let me know him presently.

Young Lo. You shall hug one another.

Mor. Sir I must keep you company.

Elder Lo. And reason.

Young Lo. Cutting Morecraft faces about, I must present another.

Mor. As many as you will Sir, I am for 'em.

Wel. Sir I shall do you service.

Mor. I shall look for't in good faith Sir.

Elder Lo. Prethee good sweet heart kiss him.

Lady. Who, that fellow?

Savil. Sir will it please you to remember me: my keys good Sir.

Young Lo. I'le doe it presently.

El. Lo. Come thou shalt kiss him for our sport sake.

La. Let him come on then; and do you hear, do not instruct me in these tricks, for you may repent it.

El. Lo. That at my peril. Lusty Mr. Morecraft, Here is a Lady would salute you.

Mor. She shall not lose her longing Sir: what is she?

Elder Lo. My wife Sir.

Mor. She must be then my Mistres.

Lady. Must I Sir?

Elder Lo. O yes, you must.

Mor. And you must take this ring, a poor pawn Of some fiftie pound.

El Lo. Take it by any means, 'tis lawfull prize.

Lady. Sir I shall call you servant.

Mor. I shall be proud on't: what fellow's that?

Young Lo. My Ladies Coachman.

Mor. There's something, (my friend) for you to buy whips, And for you Sir, and you Sir.

Elder Lo. Under a miracle this is the strangest I ever heard of.

Mor. What, shall we play, or drink? what shall we doe? Who will hunt with me for a hundred pounds?

Wel. Stranger and Stranger! Sir you shall find sport after a day or two.

Young Lo. Sir I have a sute unto you Concerning your old servant Savil.

Elder Lo. O, for his keys, I know it.

Savil. Now Sir, strike in.

Mor. Sir I must have you grant me.

Elder Lo. 'Tis done Sir, take your keys again:

But hark you Savil, leave off the motions

Of the flesh, and be honest, or else you shall graze again:

I'le try you once more.

Savil. If ever I be taken drunk, or whoring, Take off the biggest key i'th' bunch, and open My head with it Sir: I humbly thank your worships.

Elder Lo. Nay then I see we must keep holiday. Enter Roger, and Abigal. Here's the last couple in hell.

Roger. Joy be among you all.

Lady. Why how now Sir, what is the meaning of this emblem?

Roger. Marriage an't like your worship.

Lady. Are you married?

Roger. As well as the next Priest could doe it, Madam.

Elder Lo. I think the sign's in Gemini, here's such coupling.

Wel. Sir Roger, what will you take to lie from your sweet-heart to night?

Roger. Not the best benefice in your worships gift Sir.

Wel. A whorson, how he swells.

Young Lo. How many times to night Sir Roger?

Roger. Sir you grow scurrilous: What I shall do, I shall do: I shall not need your help.

Young Lo. For horse flesh Roger.

Elder Lo. Come prethee be not angry, 'tis a day Given wholly to our mirth.

Lady. It shall be so Sir: Sir Roger and his Bride, We shall intreat to be at our charge.

El. Lo. Welford get you to the Church: by this light, You shall not lie with her again, till y'are married.

Wel. I am gone.

Mor. To every Bride I dedicate this day Six healths a piece, and it shall goe hard, But every one a Jewell: Come be mad boys.

El. Lo. Th'art in a good beginning: come who leads? Sir Roger, you shall have the Van: lead the way: Would every dogged wench had such a day. [Exeunt.