Confessions of a Private Dick

No sooner have the lift doors closed than an ugly thought assails me: I don’t know what Mrs Brown’s fancy man looks like. He could be anybody. I had better get up to the room and keep an eye open. There is also the question of how I am going to get into the room. The key has gone and the desk clerk is not going to give me another one. Maybe they will leave it in the door. I can see less chance of that than of it raining potatoes on St Patrick’s Day. I step out of the lift, walk past the door of the room and hear what sounds like a bloke laughing and the chink of glasses. Gordon Bennett. Don’t say he was in there all the time? The swine! I hope the tassel of his silk dressing-gown dangles in the ice bucket and brushes against the tip of his hampton. At any second, he may come behind her and kiss the side bit where her neck joins her shoulders. I know the kind of devilish practices these blokes get up to. Unless I move fast he will be getting in before I do. Where am I going to find a pass key or a fire escape? You don’t have one on you, do you? I glance up the corridor and see a bird coming out of a room carrying an armful of bedding. Maybe she will be able to help.

‘Excuse me,’ I say, scampering to her side. ‘You – er, don’t happen to have a key to three six seven, do you? I seem to – er—’ I pat my chest and hope that she will reckon I have misplaced my key.

‘Not your room,’ she says reproachfully. Knickers! I would have to cop some central European bird with a strong sense of right and wrong.

‘I am private detective,’ I say. ‘Like policeman. Very good.’

The bird leads the way into a small room full of laundry baskets and shelves of sheets, and dumps the bedclothes on a pile in the corner.

‘I do not know,’ she says.

She is an appealing bird. Slim and with harassed wisps of hair fluffing out of her bamet. Though small she has big eyes and a wide mouth that turns up attractively at the coners.

‘I only want it for a few minutes,’ I say. ‘I’m not going to nick anything.’

‘Nick?’ she says.

‘Steal,’ I say. ‘I want to take a photograph of the inside of the room, that’s all.’

The bird’s face brightens. ‘You can take photograph of three six five. Is same inside.’

‘It’s not just the room,’ I say. ‘It’s the people as well. It’s sort of – how can I explain it?’

‘Surprise?’ says the bird.

‘That’s it,’ I say. ‘You’ve got it. A surprise.’ I reach out my hand hopefully.

Maybe I am going too fast because the bird does not make a move. ‘It would be best thing if you ask manager, I think,’ she says. Right at the back of her eyes where the dark blue is practically black, I think I can see a twinkle.

‘I’m prepared to make it worth your while,’ I say, feeling inside my jacket. ‘I’m not asking you to do it for nothing.’

The girl stretches out a hand and pokes my forearm. It is as if she is testing a piece of meat to see if it is tender. ‘Money?’ she says.

‘Whatever you like,’ I say. Back in three six seven a naked Mrs Brown is probably swinging upside down from the chandelier while her boyfriend stands on the mantelpiece and attempts to harpoon her with his funny gun, but I sense that it would be a mistake to rush things with this particular bint. ‘What’s your name?’ I say.

‘Gretchen,’ she says. ‘And your name?’

‘Timmy,’ I say. ‘Have you been over here long?’

‘Six weeks,’ she says.

‘Made a lot of friends?’

She shakes her head sadly. ‘No.’

‘Oh well,’ I say, giving her arm a pat. ‘You’ve made a friend now.’ I am not just saying it either. She is an appealing little bird and very fanciable. It is a shame that she does not have anyone to take her to see Confessions of a Pop Performer. Maybe I can fill a gap.

‘Thank you,’ she says. ‘It is not easy to meet peoples in London, is it?’

‘It’s a question of breaking the ice,’ I say. ‘Like so many things.’

OK, so William Shakespeare might have put it differently but it does provide the chance for me to give her arm a sympathetic squeeze and plant those luscious Lea lips on her forehead for a friendly second. Such a gesture cannot be taken exception to and may prove the springboard for more positive demonstrations of an intention to be friendly – a firm intention as percy informs me from his eyrie in my Y-fronts. Losing not a second of precious time, I kiss one of Gretchen’s mince pies and zoom in fast under her hooter. Experience has taught me that this is where most judies keep their cakeholes and I am not disappointed. Gretchen’s head tilts back and she stretches out her neck to push power into her kiss. Mouths are funny, aren’t they? You never seem to fit quite right the first time. It is like a new pair of shoes. I draw back, give her a big smile and we try again. That’s better – very nice in fact. I could be happy doing this more often. I think that Gretchen is happy too. Her body starts to shudder and she slips an arm round me and ruffles the hair at the back of my neck.

Poor kid! She probably hasn’t had a Friar Tuck since she left the motherland. Time is pressing but it would be out of character if I failed to oblige. I kick the door shut behind me and quickly unzip my fly. I know that this could be considered slightly forward behaviour even in today’s free and easy times but I cannot afford the extra seconds it would take me to hum the love theme from Tchaikovsky’s Romeo and Juliet.

Gretchen lets out a little gasp as she catches a glimpse of my rampant Mad Mick and I press her to me so that its brute majesty is shut off from her eyes – you can’t fault me for delicacy of feeling, can you? While I send my own mitt off on a ramble up her skirt, her hesitant fingers touch and then close around the pride of the Lea fleet.

‘No,’ she says.

‘You mean “yes”,’ I tell her. ‘ “No” means “yes” in English.’

She shakes her head sadly. ‘Too big,’ she says.

‘Too big?’ I say. I mean, it is a nice thought but I cannot allow myself to be quartered in a fool’s paradise. Percy is definitely a quality article but birds don’t jump out of bed and run home to mother screaming. He is just 15½ centimetres of prime British hampton trying to do his bit for the old country – I say centimetres because everything is going metric these days, isn’t it? Also, it sounds bigger.

‘I no do this.’

Ah ha. I have just put my finger on the reason for the lady’s statement. The entrance to her grumble is tighter than a mouse’s earhole. She is a virgin. Blimey, I did not know they still made them. What a turn up for the tip of my hampton. I try and insert a digit and give up after the first squeak. I would make more progress up a valve rubber. Stick with this bird and you could have the long sensitive fingers of your dreams. Unfortunately, I do not have time to stick with the fair Gretchen. I must press on – and not up happy valley.

‘I see what you mean,’ I say. ‘Look, I’d like to see more of you – um – seriously. What are you doing tomorrow night?’

In the end I make a date to see her at the weekend and persuade her to part with the key to 367. I hope Mrs Brown is having a bit more luck than I am and is still enjoying it. I leave Gretchen sorting out her dirty laundry in private and slip into the corridor with percy coiled reproachfully between my legs. It is not often that he gets the dish dashed from his lips like that and he is taking it badly. Almost smarting in fact.

There is no one about so I stalk down the corridor and check my equipment outside the door of 367 – my photographic equipment that is. I plan to rush in, bash off a few quick shots and scarper. I don’t reckon that anyone is going to start chasing me, especially if they are in the altogether.

I listen carefully and try to remember if there was a light showing under the door when I was last here. There isn’t now. No sounds either – wait a minute! A sharp exclamation and a squeak of bedsprings. They must be on the job right at this moment. Good timing, Sherlock! Just as well that I did not get to the balaclava (chaver. Ed.) stage with Gretchen or I might have fallen down on the job – never a nice thing to do as we all know from bitter experience.

Taking a deep breath, I position the camera at my feet and start to insert the key in the lock like I am defusing a mine – if the tension is too much for you go out and make a cup of tea. I do hope the lock isn’t stiff. I won’t get much of a photo through the keyhole. I turn the key as far as it will go without meeting resistence and take another deep breath. Here we go! One two, and – bam! I turn the key, push the door open, pick up the camera and charge into the room. It is pitch dark and I stumble into a chair. Where are they?

‘What the—!!??’ A bloke shouts, and there is a rustle of bedclothes. I press the tit on the camera and there is a blinding flash. I press again and the bloke comes rushing at me out of the darkness – at least, I think he is coming for me. In fact, he pushes past me and dashes for the curtains. By the cringe, but he can move, that bloke! There is the sound of breaking glass and for a terrible moment I think he has chucked himself out of the window. What a love dive that would be.

Unfortunately for The Guinness Book of Records, there is a fire escape outside the window. I lean out and catch a glimpse of a bare bum through the ironwork. It is about three floors down and gathering speed like a grape rolling down a helter skelter. Thank gawd for that! Now I can scarper with a clear conscience – at least I could if some clumsy basket had not left a case in the middle of the floor. I take a purler over it and the light that clicks on in the room joins the five hundred that are flashing inside my dented nut. When I look up, Mrs Brown is kneeling on the end of the bed and trying to look at me over the top of her naked knockers. She is bristling and, believe me, she has a lot of bristol to bristle with.

‘Snivelling little creep!’ she hisses. ‘I suppose my husband paid you to come bursting in here ?’

‘I don’t think that Mr Brown would like me to make any comment concerning that statement,’ I say, ruthlessly professional to the last.

‘I could give you an albumful of photographs that would make Gordon throw a purple fit. Do you remember when the World Limbo Dancing Championships were held over here—?’

‘Don’t tell me,’ I say. ‘I have a weak heart and my doctor says that I shouldn’t get over-excited.’ I pick up my camera and am relieved that Mrs Brown makes no move to stop me.

‘Send me a print for my collection,’ she says, slumping back on the bed. ‘I hope you got my best side. Why don’t you take one especially for my husband?’ She sticks out her tongue and extends two fingers. I raise my camera and then think better of it. Mr Brown gave few indications of being a one-man laugh riot. ‘You came a couple of minutes too early. Do you know that?’ Mrs Brown rotates her shoulders against the bed and draws up one of her legs so that I cop an eyeful of snatch thatch. This is obviously a very naughty lady and it is a good job that I am incorruptible. Men of lesser moral fibre might fancy their chances of filling the gap vacated by the gent now probably skipping down Baker Street in a dustbin. ‘Come and sit down,’ says Mrs Brown, patting the bed beside her. Her spare hand drifts down between her legs and it is soon clear that something is itching.

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