The chance to start a new life. How to make a conscious choice

In the following chapters, I will touch on the underlying emotional issues that are dragging you or your loved ones down, poisoning your life. You will receive a lot of interesting information, which, most importantly, you will be able to apply in your new conscious life.

Chapter 4. Awareness of emotions

“Only limited people need years to get rid of some feeling or impression. And a man who knows how to control himself is able to put an end to sadness as easily as to find a new joy. I don’t want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to enjoy them, get everything I can out of them. I want to dominate my emotions.”

Oscar Wilde

Awareness of emotions is what is necessary for any person who wants to build their life independently and qualitatively, without relying on anyone and not trying to please anyone. Only an emotionally mature person is able to build long-term and healthy relationships, whether it be family relationships, relationships with subordinates, with superiors, or with their loved ones, friends and society as such. I consider this topic one of the most important and aspects that are definitely worth mentioning as part of its consideration are the emotions of anger and aggression, and how to deal with uncontrollable anger. I will clarify that within the framework of this chapter, we will talk about the anger and aggression of an adult. Because if we are talking about small children, then the situation will be a little different, and the topic needs to be revealed in a different way. I will immediately ask the question – is it normal to feel anger, hatred? The answer is yes. Anger for a person is a natural emotion necessary for survival. If, say, your child is bullied by someone, it is quite logical that you will immediately experience anger. But at the same time there are different manifestations of anger, aggression and rage. They are not productive, which do not save you from anything and do not help you protect your interests, but on the contrary, they are an indicator, a symptom of your inability to protect yourself. The state of strong anger, aggression and rage are just a manifestation of a derivative of impotence, the weakness of your inner child. All of us were once children, and a child is a dependent being, and to some extent powerless, and I think each of us in one form or another was once the object of someone’s aggression, and this aggression could take the form of disrespectful, dismissive attitude, mockery, ridicule, and so on. The child, not understanding how he can defend himself or respond correctly to such a situation, experiences a feeling of powerlessness, and it is this feeling of powerlessness that, following fear, gives rise to a feeling of rage, aggression and rather unpleasant anger. And since the child does not have the right to show it, all these emotions are directed inward.

In fact, the topic of emotions is very important. And I would like to make a small footnote, saying that in fact, all the emotions that we did not live through in childhood turn into negative programs in adulthood. Let me give you the following example: in childhood, a child witnesses a scene of violently cursing parents. At this moment, it feels a whole range of emotions – there is pain, fear, anger at its father, and pity for its mother, and again hatred for its father. So, in order to make it easier for the child, its consciousness deduces a formula, or rather the installation, that all men are despots or aggressors, and so on. In general, the child seemed to feel better at that moment, but the mindset was already embedded in her mind, and in adult life this girl fulfills this program with accuracy, choosing just such men in order to make sure every time that she was right. The fact is that the mindset actually rests on the spectrum of these emotions, and the subconscious mind is cyclical, and therefore periodically makes you experience these feelings and emotions so that a person accepts these emotions and lives them consciously. And the men she meets on her way are actually just activators of one or another emotion – aggression, anger, resentment, and so on. After all, in childhood, no one taught us to live and let go of these feelings.

What happens when a person grows up? When a person grows up, they have the opportunity to protect themselves, to designate their boundaries, to protect them and observe them in any situation. The fact is that this childish impotence, the phantom of this feeling and weakness, often remains in the mind for a long time, and very often a person lives with these patterned sensations for many years, and sometimes even all their life. Now you have matured, and your impotence is illusory. Recall a situation when someone treated you disrespectfully, and inside you boiled anger or even aggression against this person. And if you are not taught to express your emotions, if you are still afraid to show them, then, as a rule, keep silent or somehow get away from the situation, but inside you will boil and rage for a long time. The same thing happens if you were deceived or something was taken from you or stolen. If you didn’t express it right away, then you continue to boil. And sometimes a person, even having splashed out the emotions, still continues to stew in this, boil and cannot get out of this state of aggression, anger or even rage. Surely, you have seen such a scene when one woman in a store in line said some kind of rudeness to another, and she threw out three times as much in response. And you see two angry kids spitting, waving their arms, and so on. So, you should know, here are two absolutely helpless people who do not realize that they can absolutely calmly declare how they can and cannot be treated. And you know that if suddenly in such a situation one person is an adult, emotionally adult, I mean, then such a skirmish fades away very quickly, because an adult will never allow themselves to get angry, they will very quickly, without unnecessary screams and waving fists, put everything in its place and put an impolite person in their place. When such a “bark” or an absolutely unsightly quarrel occurs, you should know for sure that you have two emotional children in front of you, and there is no smell of adulthood here.

So is it worth it to show aggression if it has appeared inside you and what to do about it? Yes, it is true that if you have not shown your anger or aggression, it will be directed against you. A person is inclined to hold negative emotions all the life and be afraid to show them. And, as a rule, such people begin to get sick, because no one has canceled psychosomatics, and over time, the body of such people begins to suffer and show them that they are unfair to themselves. And at the same time, a person who is always angry and shows such emotions runs the risk of being alone, because it will be extremely unpleasant to live, work and generally be next to such a person. What to do? Well, firstly, you need to understand that if someone infuriates you, makes you angry, then the problem is not in this person and not even in the situation that annoys you, not in the world that created this situation, but the problem is in you. And when a person stands in a traffic jam and gets mad, the problem is not in the traffic jam and not in the government, which built the tracks in the wrong way, and not even in the “idiots” who filled the road, but the problem is in the person. If someone or something irritates you regularly and systematically, then the problem is with you, because if you are faced with a situation that pisses you off and you do nothing about it, this means that you are in the state of a child who has not lived through and expressed emotions. And situations are just activators of these emotions. What does the condition of the child mean? This means that you continue to live in your weakness, in a state of impotence, when everything is bubbling inside. In this situation, the first thing to do is to remember that you are an adult and have the right to say whatever you don’t like in this situation without yelling, using harsh words or making comical hand and foot gestures, because this also a manifestation of powerlessness. You can just calmly put a person in their place in an adult way. If you think a person is lying to your face, or you think they are treating you impolitely, you can always tell them, and you can explain to them what will happen if they don’t change their behavior or attitude. The second tip that will help you cope with emotions in a similar situation is to remember that there is nothing personal here. A person who is disrespectful to you or has offended you, in fact, treats themselves that way. You need to understand that the attitude towards you is a projection of a person’s attitude towards themselves. It will only partly make you feel better, but you stop taking it personally. You understand that a person is like that inside. Unfortunately, this makes this person feel bad. But, on the other hand, you should not allow other people to make you unpleasant and painful. Again, we return to point one. Put the person in their place, or if you think it’s a hopeless case and it would be easier to just cut yourself off from that person, allow yourself to do so, but don’t take the hurt or anger with you. Forgive this person and wish them happiness. A person who treats others disrespectfully is also disrespectful to themselves. And I guarantee you that a person who is kind to themselves, who values themselves, loves and respects, treats others in the same way by default. At least until the moment when they do not need to defend their personal boundaries and their self-respect. Well, what to do if the person who treats you disrespectfully or dismissively is your boss, relative or husband? If you are an emotionally mature person, you will never allow anyone to treat you like this, even if it is the president himself. The first thing to remember is that you are the only one, and no position of another person, their social or economic status does not give the right to treat you with disdain. And you should also put such a person in their place. If after that you are asked to leave your job, I congratulate you, this means that next time you will get to a better and more worthy place with those employees and those leaders who will treat you differently. It is very important not to live in self-deception, not to lead yourself by the nose. Very often, people who tolerate a bad attitude towards themselves for a long time, whether in the family or at work, explain this with supposedly objective reasons – why they cannot now dot all the “i”, turn around and leave, or put offender in their place – this is due to both financial and career dependence. You can, of course, continue to live in illusions and explain this by external factors that prevent you from demanding respect for yourself, but in this chapter I want to tell you that nothing in the world, no job, no money, comfort and other excuses should stop from setting your boundaries and declaring how you can and cannot be treated. The worst thing is to cheat yourself. There is nothing more terrible than this betrayal.

So, what to do when you have a feeling of anger? The first is, as we have already said, to react or to get away from the situation altogether. Yes, if you understand that this is an absolutely useless and hopeless case, just try not to be there anymore, neither in this situation, nor with these people. The second thing that will help you deal emotionally with the situation is realizing that this person is actually showing you their own attitude towards themselves right now. And you can always easily figure out a person who respects themselves by their reaction in a stressful situation. Even in an unpleasant situation, they can stand up for themselves with dignity and put everyone in their place, and at the same time not sink to the level at which their offenders are now. And the third thing you can do is ask yourself where this anger came from, and it will simply be useful for you to think about what has hooked you so much. Because your reaction is your own responsibility. Do not forget that a series of such or similar situations speaks of your internal programs, emotions that were not lived in childhood. Or, you may find that the situation “mirrors” you. And if aggression comes systematically from the outside, then you need to think, go inside your consciousness and see where you treat yourself aggressively, where you betray yourself in this way. Quite often, people are infuriated and angry by something that, in fact, does not concern them at all. Well, for example, a drunk person on a bus. For some, it can cause anger and aggression. But you need to understand that something is objective, and something is extremely subjective, and, as a rule, behind any violent, negative reaction, especially if it happens quite often, there is our heightened need to be recognized, to be seen, to receive respect and recognition. And at the same time, it mixes with our impotence, with our weakness that we acquired in childhood, or it may be your emotional hook. And it is this combination of feelings and thoughts that makes a person boil, seething and even get sick. Maybe someone will be pleased to know that anger is an emotion that is extremely charged with energy, and how you use this energy is also up to you, because sometimes you can use it in order to make some kind of change in your life. Well, for example, someone made a very unpleasant remark about your life or about your appearance, or even about your act and you could be very hurt by it. You can go into the state of a victim, sit and be angry with this person, call them names inside, or you can shake yourself and finally change something in your life, and the emotion of anger gives this tremendous energy. Of course, I’m not saying that you need to look for this emotion to give yourself some kind of jolts in life. I think that this is a rather painful emotion, although many people live and take steps in life precisely on the emotions of anger and pain. In fact, there is a lot of energy in our dark side, and from there begins the starting point and that springboard for jumping. Sometimes such situations are given to us in order to start a new life. For example, when a man left a woman, she got angry and hurt, but then she takes on herself, changes her life and puts herself in order. It would seem that this is a good result. But it could be done from a state of love. But that rarely happens. All power is always in those cases when we are directly pushed out of situations of the comfort zone. But since this painful situation happened, where you were very angry or very offended, take this potential of energy and direct it to something creative. Direct it to change the situation, yourself and your life. And every time you are in a similar situation and feel growing anger, remember that you are no longer a powerless, weak child who does not have the right to your word, to defend your boundaries. Now you have the right to it and this is your chance to take advantage of it. Calmly, without tension, but simply because you have the right to it and you will only be respected and set as an example for this. At least you will respect yourself for sure.

And at the end of this chapter, a few words for parents of teenagers. Anger, aggression in adolescents is always an absolutely normal attempt by a maturing personality to establish its boundaries, conquer its space, and, finally, push the controlling parents out of its personal space. And this aggression in a teenager is also manifested due to a sense of their own powerlessness, because at this stage of their life they are trying to get out of the state of a powerless child into the state of an adult. And if a parent is smart and wise, then they will not press the children and will not scold them or say: “I don’t need you like that.” You will not push them away, you will allow them to set their own boundaries and you will respect them. In this case, very soon their aggression and anger will pass. They will understand that their boundaries have been accepted, have been seen, and an understanding, trusting, warm relationship with their parents will be restored. But, unfortunately, often parents perceive such a teenage rebellion very wrong and with even more aggression than they themselves, and here an emotional war begins. And as a result, we get a broken relationship, a disgruntled parent, as well as a teenager who has not grown up. We also get an immature person, who then, I hope, will help themselves learn to build their own boundaries. And it doesn’t end there. As a result, this emotionally unexperienced outbursts, not expressed, so to speak, emotions will begin to poison their life. After all, our unconscious is an emotional child who, in fact, expects love and understanding from us.

Chapter 5. Touchiness

“Being offended and indignant is like drinking poison in the hope that it will kill your enemies.”

Nelson Mandela

Touchiness is an extremely interesting topic. I have already mentioned that, in fact, touchiness is a trait of an emotionally immature person. And when we talk about emotional awareness, age has absolutely no meaning. Because a person can remain in the children’s settings, programs and be immature until the end of their days. In most of my practice of working with psycho-emotional traumas, I can say that resentment go hand in hand and are derivatives of unexperienced emotions that affect life, poisoning life. And these people can live a long life, but at the same time not grow up emotionally, and continue to live in their pain without even suspecting it. And at the same time, you can meet a very young person who will be emotionally consciously mature.

Also, resentment is one of the basic emotional “columns” on which a negative attitude rests. After all, it is it that prevents you from achieving the success of harmony and inner balance. For the most part, this is the resentment that occurred in childhood in a child and where it experiences this feeling in a stressful situation or, say, in negative conditions for it. And what happens next: the repressed, experienced by it at that moment feeling overwhelms it. At that moment, it is not aware of it, but simply feels it, and then consciousness takes the next step. In order to alleviate, so to speak, suffering, it makes a decision about itself and about the world. Let me analyze this with an example so that it is easy for you to perceive this information. Let’s take one of the common situations so that you can see yourself here. A child is severely restricted in childhood and in case of disobedience, it is severely punished both physically and morally. At this moment, a surge of emotions arises inside it, they simply overwhelm it with a whirlwind. This is both anger at the father or mother and resentment against them. All this fell on the fragile shoulders of a child who did not understand anything. The child is terribly hurt. And the next moment, depending on the situation, its consciousness makes a decision to throw off this burden. It can be “Being silent is safe”, “Expressing your feelings is dangerous.” At this moment, the formation of the installation unequivocally takes place. It’s like a computer program built into your mind and it will work perfectly. And of course, these are the situations and circumstances that a person will have throughout their life. Here I made a small digression, which I am sure will help you understand yourself more and increase your awareness.

Now let’s take a closer look at what resentment is. You probably know, have known or met in your life people who are offended with or without reason, and most often they don’t even tell you about it, but show resentment with all their appearance. Or maybe you noticed it for yourself. Let’s say if you are a touchy person, then there is reason to wonder why this is happening. Why are we so touchy? I am quite sure that if you notice such a trait in yourself, then most likely it bothers you, you are trying to understand and figure out what to do with it. I don’t mean situational resentment. Any person can be offended situationally, and this is, in principle, a completely normal reaction. When we talk about touchiness, we are talking about a character trait, that is, it is a certain property of a person. Where does touchiness come from? Resentment is still an infantile childhood trait that speaks of emotional unconsciousness. If you pay attention to the behavior of children, you will notice that resentment is a way to get your own, and this is absolutely normal for a child. But note – for a child, not for an adult. When it is small and is in a state of weakness, that is, it does not have enough resources, it does not have enough intelligence, rights and, in general, an understanding of how to build a dialogue with a parent in order to clearly explain that something does not suit it, that then it hurt it. When a child grows up in a family, this is how it tests different ways of influencing the parents. If a child constantly screams and stomps its feet, most likely, it will be scolded for it and banned from doing it. Then, when it begins to take offense, it sees that a miracle is happening, the parents begin to pay attention to its emotions, they begin to ask: “Well, are you offended? Come here, I’ll give you candy.” That is, the child may be offended, go to its room, hide under the covers, and after a while the parents come and begin to regret and persuade and appease it with something. That is, resentment for a child at some stage of life is a way of defending its interests, and thus it concludes that in this way it can get what it wants. This, of course, is such childish manipulation. And if you have children, you know that children are wonderful psychologists and just excellent manipulators. Disharmony occurs only when an adult, already being able to defend their interests, already having the right to get angry, to express their point of view with displeasure, continues to live in this infantile childish emotion – in the emotion of resentment. This is a state of weakness of a healthy person, and it is already so ingrained in the person that they do not even see a causal relationship between the program learned in childhood and the moment when they automatically transferred it to their adult life. This is a very infantile state when a person is not capable, or rather, emotionally unprepared. A person considers themselves small inside and not entitled to defend their interests otherwise. That is, instead of meeting the situation face to face, a person hides in resentment. Agree, it’s very convenient. Because the offended person owes nothing to anyone. Such an advantageous and convenient position for a small child. And besides, there is no need to go into conflict, to somehow waste energy, strength, nerves, because everything is quite comfortable. There is no need to clarify the situation in an adult way, in the process of dialogue. But on the other hand, there is such a convenient escape into offense when you become isolated, and they begin to circle and dance around you, figuratively, in order to understand why you were offended, what happened, and how to appease and earn forgiveness, following the lead of any your desires. Again, I’m not talking about each specific person. Let it be understood by the one who really needs it and it is important to realize it. It is important for us to see ourselves as in a mirror.

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