‘You don’t have to thank us for wanting to spend time with you.’ Mum slid her arm around Dad’s waist and smiled up at me. I looked at them, seeing myself in Dad’s hazel eyes, straight nose and the arch of his brows, and in Mum’s curves and the way she held herself tall, despite being a petite five foot two. I was a few inches taller, my hair a more reddish-brown, but there was no doubting we were mother and daughter.
As usual, feeling the weight of their gaze, of their hopes and expectations, I was compelled to brighten my smile, to dance my shoulders to the music springing from a speaker on the dresser – Pharrell Williams’s ‘Happy’ – and accept the badly wrapped present Hayley was holding out. She danced from foot to foot, hands clasped as I unwrapped the shiny pink paper to reveal a box containing a charm bracelet hung with a silver heart. The heart was inscribed with the words Love you forever, Mummy, eliciting fond murmurs when I read them out.
‘It’s from me!’ Hayley could barely contain herself, straining to see the words that had hazed in a blur of tears. ‘Daddy helped me when we went shopping on Saturday.’
Matt? I tried not to react. ‘Thank you, darling, I love it so much.’ I bent to hug her but she’d already raced away, so I slipped it on and held it out for Mum and Dad to admire.
‘Where’s that brother of yours?’ Mum said, letting go of my wrist to glance around. ‘I told him to get you something nice. I hope he listened to me.’
I caught Dad’s eye and he looked away, smile fading. It pained them both that my once close relationship with my brother had eroded to the point where he had to be ‘reminded’ about my birthday. He’d softened since meeting Rosa – she’d been good for him – but I doubted it was to the point where he’d go gift-shopping.
‘He’s around somewhere. I saw him earlier,’ Dad said. ‘Probably gone to the loo.’
‘Graham,’ Mum said, as though he’d said a swear word, lightly tapping his arm.
‘Linda,’ he replied in a similar tone, and they exchanged affectionate smiles.
Bye, bye, Beth.
As the words floated into my mind, my own smile faded.
I had to talk to Rosa.
Chapter 3
I looked around. I hadn’t seen Rosa since the initial hubbub, but spotted her by the food-laden dining table, talking to Pam, who was gesticulating wildly as she spoke. Probably describing something in her garden, which was her passion.
‘I’m going to mingle,’ I said, perspiration breaking out on my forehead. The windows were open, and so were the French doors that led to the garden, but the air in the room felt solid.
‘Don’t forget to have a chat with your brother,’ Mum called after me.
I was waylaid on the way, first by Marianne, the head of Fernley House where I worked, who also ran creative writing classes there, then my oldest friend Emma, who I’d met at art college. After a recent trip to Cambodia, she was settling into a new job with a charitable organisation in London and wanted to catch up.
‘I still can’t get over you and Matt breaking up.’ Her smoky grey eyes were alive with curiosity as she thrust a glass of wine into my hand. ‘What actually happened, Beth? You two were made for each other.’
Emma had introduced me to Matt. It was natural she’d wish we were still together. On her last visit to Oxford before her trip, I told her I’d met someone new, but she’d just broken up with her boyfriend and hadn’t been very receptive. ‘You should get to know Vic.’ I put my glass down, too on edge to drink. ‘He’s lovely.’
‘Let’s have a night out.’ She cuffed my wrist with her fingers as I made to move away, her gaze probing. ‘It’s been ages since we’ve had a proper chat.’
‘Too long,’ I said lightly, easing out of her grasp.
Her angular face softened. ‘I brought you a gift.’ She swept her long, dark fringe aside with ring-cluttered fingers. ‘Your adorable daughter added it to the pile.’
‘Thanks, Em, that’s really kind of you. I’ll look for it in a bit.’ Smiling, I backed away, almost into Rosa, who sounded keen to escape Pam’s lively chatter.
‘I’ll bear that in mind,’ she was saying, a faint estuary twang betraying her Essex roots. ‘Start with great soil and follow the sun.’ She started when she spotted me right behind her. ‘Hi, Beth.’ A grin broke over her face, crinkling her big, brown eyes.
‘Hey,’ I said, heart banging. I’d rarely spoken to Rosa alone and was surprised that Jamie wasn’t glued to her side, as usual. ‘Could I have a quick word?’
‘Sure.’ I sensed her switch into work mode, tensing slightly beneath her thin white top, which she’d paired with cropped black trousers and flat black shoes, her mouse-brown hair scraped back in its usual ponytail. She could have been in uniform. I remembered Jamie saying she took her job seriously, was keen to become a detective – or maybe it was a sergeant, I couldn’t quite remember. ‘What is it?’
Just then, Jamie came in from the garden. Catching his glance across the room, my nerves twanged a warning. The last thing my brother needed was a reminder of the past. ‘I just wanted to say thank you for—’
‘Beth?’ Vic was in the doorway. ‘Maybe not in front of everyone.’
My smile froze. ‘I wasn’t going to say anything.’
Rosa’s gaze flicked between us. ‘What’s going on?’
My mouth felt dry. ‘Oh, it’s nothing really.’ I looked over at Jamie. He’d perched on the arm of the sofa, a glass of something amber in one hand, and was grinning at Hayley asking loudly if he could please fetch her some cake because she was so hungry. ‘I had a couple of anonymous text messages earlier.’
‘Oh?’ An interested gleam brightened Rosa’s eyes. She tended to blend into the background normally – a useful trait for a police officer – but I suddenly saw how pretty she was with her thick dark lashes, smooth skin and neat features. She had an air of quiet intelligence that would have appealed to Jamie. He liked quiet, clever women who got on with things without making a fuss. ‘What sort of messages?’
I quickly looked for Mum and Dad. They were loading paper plates with a selection of food at the table, their backs to me. ‘Not in here, if you don’t mind.’
‘Of course.’
She followed me out of the room, to where Vic was waiting at the foot of the stairs with an air of suppressed tension. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I thought—’
‘It’s fine,’ I cut in, wanting to get it over with. ‘It’s probably a bad joke and I’m reading too much into it,’ I said to Rosa. ‘But the message told me to enjoy my birthday because it would be my last.’
‘OK,’ she said calmly. ‘That’s not funny.’
‘No.’ If I’d hoped by telling her, the words would lose some of their power, I was wrong. My hand felt clumsy as I fished my phone from my bag. ‘It feels like it might be linked to what happened when I was a child …’ I stopped, checking her face for a reaction. ‘You know about it?’
She nodded, while Vic placed a hand on my shoulder as if to steady me. ‘Jamie mentioned it.’ She spoke in the sort of neutral voice I imagined must be necessary in her job. ‘You nearly drowned on holiday when you were seven.’
Nearly drowned.
It sounded like nothing, the way she said it. As if it wasn’t the event that had blighted my life ever since. ‘Twice,’ I said, my voice as choked as if it was happening again. ‘I nearly died twice. Secondary drowning it’s called, when a small amount of water enters the lungs.’ Vic’s hand tightened on my shoulder. ‘If Mum hadn’t insisted on them keeping me in hospital for observation that night, I would have died.’
‘Jamie told me.’ Rosa’s tone was one of respectful compassion. ‘I’m sorry.’
She seemed to be waiting for more and, as if from a distance, I heard myself tell her the worst part, even though she must already know. ‘A stranger saved my life,’ I said. ‘He saved me, but he died. He drowned, saving my life.’
‘Beth.’ Vic’s voice barely penetrated the sound of blood roaring in my ears.
‘I lived because of him, but he died and I have to live with that and it’s been hard, you know?’
‘Beth, it’s OK.’
‘I don’t even know who he was, or if he had a family. He must have had a family, I mean—’
‘Beth!’ Vic’s fingers tightened on my shoulder.
I blinked as though waking from a nightmare. ‘Sorry.’ I exhaled. ‘It’s … it’s got easier, but it never really goes away,’ I said. ‘The guilt, I mean.’
Rosa’s gaze connected with mine. ‘And you think … what? That this message is connected somehow?’
‘Maybe someone who knew what happened back then is trying to scare me.’
‘Someone connected to the man who drowned?’
I felt a dropping sensation, hearing it said so simply. ‘Yes.’
‘OK.’ A frown wrinkled her forehead. It sounded far-fetched, but with a jarring sense of clarity, I realised I’d been expecting something like this to happen for a long time. For ages, I’d told myself that if I worked hard enough, kept my daughter safe, improved the lives of my therapy clients, everything would be OK. Even on Hayley’s first birthday, the house crammed with mine and Matt’s families, I’d thought about the man who saved my life, how he’d never celebrate a grandchild’s birthday, guilt creeping out like a shadow to spoil the moment.
Maybe none of it had been enough.
‘There was a note, earlier in the year,’ Vic said. ‘On Beth’s car. It said A LIFE FOR A LIFE. It’s like someone’s out for revenge.’
‘That’s a bit strong.’ I tried out a laugh, but the word hit home. Revenge.
Rosa’s frown deepened. I thought she was going to tell me I’d been watching too many crime dramas – which I’d have to admit was true – but instead, she said, ‘If the message came from a burner phone it’ll be hard to trace, but I could take a look.’
I hesitated. ‘I—’
‘Mummeee!’ It was Hayley, sounding fractious.
Dad poked his head round the living room door. ‘What are you lot plotting?’
The sight of his wild salt-and-pepper hair, which Mum had long ago given up trying to tame, tightened the knot in my chest. We must look an odd trio, huddled by the front door. ‘We’re going to get the cake,’ I said, knowing he wouldn’t question it. ‘I got side-tracked.’
‘Madam won’t wait much longer.’
‘I’m coming.’ I flashed Rosa a smile as Dad disappeared. ‘Look, thanks for hearing me out, but it’s probably nothing … I mean, nothing serious.’
‘You don’t believe that.’ Her expression was worryingly sombre. ‘I’d like to take a quick look if you don’t mind.’
‘Fine.’ I switched my phone on and went straight to my texts. Odd.
‘What is it?’ Vic said as I scrolled up and down.
‘Hang on a second, I can’t …’ I looked again, but the last message I’d had was from Vic’s phone. ‘I can’t find them.’
‘What?’
I looked again, my senses prickling. ‘They’re not there.’ I lifted my gaze to Rosa’s. ‘The messages have gone.’
Chapter 4
After taking a look herself, Rosa handed my phone back. ‘Let me know if you get any more,’ she said with a trace of regret. ‘Take a screenshot if you can, so at least you have some proof.’ I wished I’d thought of it, though I couldn’t see how it would help if the sender was using a disposable phone. I’d seen enough thrillers to imagine broad fingers removing the battery before smashing the screen to smithereens underfoot. ‘What about the note you mentioned, on your car?’
‘I threw it away,’ I admitted. ‘It was creepy, but didn’t mean much at the time.’
‘That was my fault,’ Vic said grimly. ‘I suggested she get rid of it.’
‘Someone could have hacked into your phone,’ Rosa said. ‘Maybe change your passwords.’
Before I could respond, Mum burst into the hallway and we scattered like cats; Vic and I to the kitchen and Rosa into the downstairs toilet with a murmured, ‘Let me know if anything else happens.’
‘Beth,’ Vic said, reaching for me as I stared unseeingly through the window into the back garden. He’d wound fairy lights around the trunk and branches of the magnolia tree, and along the hedge dividing us from Pam’s, but all I could see in my mind’s eye was someone hunched over a phone, intent on frightening me.
‘We can’t talk now,’ I said. ‘Everyone’s wondering what we’re doing.’ I spun round, plastering on a smile. ‘Let’s go.’
I wasn’t sure how I kept it together after that, but I managed to reassure Hayley that I wasn’t being a ‘party-popper’ by letting her blow out the candles on my lavishly frosted cake, aware of Vic watching me closely.
‘Make a wish,’ I urged her.
‘Don’t tell, or it won’t come true,’ Mum cautioned, winking at me. She used to say the same when Jamie and I were little, but I never did get the pony I wished for every year.
After posing for photos with a knife poised over the cake, time passed in a haze of snatched conversations and unwrapping gifts. There was a pretty utensil pot from Marianne, an expensive bottle of champagne from Lewis and Jude (more for their benefit than mine, I suspected, seeing their eyes light up when I smiled my appreciation) and a beautiful, walnut desk-easel from Emma, who waved away my thanks with an airy hand. To my surprise, Jamie produced a three-tier stand on wheels for my paint supplies, explaining he thought it might come in useful. While I knew my parents, and probably Rosa, had had a hand in his choice, I couldn’t help being touched. Vic had bought me a ruby pear-drop necklace that looked expensive. ‘It’s your birthstone,’ he said, fastening it carefully around my neck.
I kissed him, wishing it didn’t make me think of blood. ‘I love it.’
We all ended up dancing the hokey cokey at Dad’s insistence, as though I was seven again. Hayley loved it, and only the sight of her earnest expression as she followed the moves stopped my mind returning over and over to the text messages. Enjoy your birthday, Beth. It’ll be your last. Whoever had sent it wanted me to be scared, and while I knew I was playing into their hands, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something malevolent lurked among the smiling faces and bursts of laughter around me.
Senses heightened, I found myself studying Jamie at one point, noticing his gaze tracking Rosa around the room. I wondered whether they’d had an argument. If their relationship was going through a bad patch, he was bound to blame me. It wouldn’t be the first time. ‘Apparently, I’m too needy,’ he’d said, when his last relationship ended. ‘Not surprising, considering the years I spent trying to get my parents’ attention.’ He’d once said that, after my near-drowning, he might as well not have existed as far as our parents were concerned, but I doubted he’d go to the trouble of buying a phone and sending a threatening message. Apart from anything, Jamie had never been shy about telling me to my face exactly how he felt, and despite our strained relationship, I couldn’t imagine he wanted me dead. Unless he’d had enough of playing second fiddle and wanted me out of the way.
Catching Mum’s eye, I forced a smile and turned to chat to Pam, who wanted to tell me a friend had a Labrador who’d given birth to a litter of golden puppies. ‘In case you’ve thought any more about getting one for Hayley.’
‘Except Hayley won’t be the one looking after it.’ The headache I’d felt brewing earlier strengthened its grip. ‘Sorry, Pam, I’m just—’
‘It’s fine.’ Her already rosy cheeks flushed crimson. ‘I could help though, if you do decide to have one,’ she said. ‘You know I think of you and Hayley as family.’
‘I know you do, and thank you.’ Mustering a smile, I placed an arm around her narrow shoulders. She was small but strong, from years of running her own cleaning company, and her upper arms were still more toned than mine. ‘I promise I’ll think about it, but don’t say anything to Hayley, will you?’
‘I won’t.’ Her gaze turned wistful, watching Hayley spinning in circles on the rug in front of the fireplace with Rory, giggling as she staggered into Mum. Pam didn’t have children of her own, had lived alone since her husband died of a heart attack a couple of years before we moved next door. It was something she rarely talked about, but if anyone deserved to be a grandparent, it was Pam.
As we drifted into the garden, where the sun had turned the lawn patchy and dry, Jude sidled over and nudged my arm. ‘You’re so lucky,’ she said in a stagey whisper, watching Vic top up glasses and offer food.
I felt a stab of dislike because she’d never said that about Matt when we’d all been friends, even though he’d designed her website free of charge when she became a Pilates instructor. ‘Thanks,’ I said shortly.
Jamie interrupted, saying he had to leave, and Jude wandered away. ‘I’ve got an early start tomorrow,’ he said, which was probably true. He was a plumber, often called out at unsociable hours. It was how he’d met Rosa, when a pipe burst in her flat, flooding the kitchen. ‘You look exhausted,’ I said, noting the bruised-looking crescents beneath his eyes. ‘You should take on someone to help.’
‘Don’t you start.’ He spoke with the bite I’d grown accustomed to over the years. It was hard to remember that, for a while after my accident, he’d been as protective as Mum and Dad, looking out for me at school, despite being in the year below. Much later, my counsellor suggested that, like Dad, Jamie felt terribly guilty about that day; that if the man who saved me hadn’t run into the sea, I’d have drowned while Jamie was waiting at the van to buy ice-creams. But when I asked him about it, he’d looked at me as though I’d grown two heads. ‘Of course I don’t feel guilty,’ he’d said, anger heating his words. ‘Christ sake, Beth, let it go.’
While he said his goodbyes to Mum and Dad, Rosa stood back a little. I was grateful she didn’t allude to our earlier conversation. Her smile was bland as she nodded briefly in my direction before following Jamie out, her hand reaching for his. It struck me how similar they looked from behind; practically the same height, similar hair colour, though Jamie’s was permanently tousled and more dirty-blond than brown, and both with a suggestion of strength in their shoulders – Jamie from regular gym sessions and Rosa from her police training, which required her to pass a fitness test twice a year.
I pleaded a raging headache once they’d gone – which wasn’t a lie – and though Emma was disappointed we hadn’t had a chance to talk properly, she gamely accepted the offer of a lift to the station with Mum and Dad.
‘Call me,’ she urged, pressing a kiss to my cheek at the door, her musky perfume catching in my throat. ‘I want to know everything.’
Something avid in her words made me look at her twice, taking in the sheen of her eyes and vivid splashes of colour along her cheekbones. I hadn’t noticed her drinking – which she did a lot when we were at college – but she seemed in the grip of some strong emotion.
‘I will,’ I promised, resolving to bridge the gap that had sprung up between us lately. ‘Thanks again for coming, and for your lovely gift; it was so thoughtful.’
‘Listen,’ she said. ‘Vic seems like a really nice guy. If you’re happy with him, I’m happy for you.’ She hugged me a little too tightly and hurried out, leaving me with the feeling she’d left a lot unsaid.
*
‘I still don’t understand it,’ I said, once Hayley was tucked up and sleeping, the calming effect of her bedtime routine worn off. ‘I saw those messages, so where did they go?’
Vic spat toothpaste in the sink in the ensuite bathroom before coming into the bedroom. ‘There are ways if you know what you’re doing.’ He sat beside me on the bed, patting his face with a towel. ‘At least Rosa took you seriously.’
‘She probably felt she didn’t have much choice.’ It came out snappy, my nerves shredded from hours of pretending I was fine. ‘Sorry,’ I muttered, rubbing the nape of my neck. ‘I wish I hadn’t told her.’
‘You did the right thing.’ Throwing the towel aside, Vic knelt on the bed behind me and massaged my shoulders, attempting to release the knots that had gathered there. ‘Let’s hope it was a one-off and that’s the end of it.’
‘There won’t be any more.’ I felt it deep in my bones, without knowing why. ‘Not now I’ve been warned.’
‘Should we get you a twenty-four-hour bodyguard, just in case?’
I tensed. ‘You do believe me, don’t you?’
‘Of course I do.’ His fingers kept kneading. ‘Why would you make it up? I saw how spooked you were.’
I twisted to look at him. He had on the stripy pyjama shorts and white T-shirt he wore whenever he stayed over (‘in case Hayley comes in’) and a surge of affection washed away my annoyance. ‘Listen, thanks again for today,’ I said, touching the ruby necklace, which felt hot against my skin. ‘I’m sorry if I spoiled everything.’
‘You didn’t.’ He lifted my hand and pressed his lips to my fingers. ‘Everyone had a good time and we should carry on doing that, and not let this … whatever it is, get between us.’
I fell silent for a moment. ‘I left my bag in the hall with my phone in.’
His brow furrowed. ‘What?’
‘My bag.’ I squirmed round to face him. ‘It was in the hall. Someone could have taken my phone out and deleted the messages.’
Sighing, Vic pushed away from me and lay down, one arm behind his head. ‘Like Rosa said, someone must have hacked your messages remotely.’
‘But what if they were deleted here?’
He looked at me sideways. ‘Do you still not have a password on your phone?’
I bristled. ‘I’ve never needed one,’ I said. ‘I always know where it is, I’ve nothing to hide, and it’s easier to access if I need to look something up.’
He lifted his eyebrows. ‘Well, I didn’t notice anyone sneaking into the hall, did you?’
‘No, but I wasn’t checking.’
Vic held out his other arm. ‘Come here, you.’
I rolled onto my side and rested my head on his chest. The rhythmic bump of his heart almost soothed my racing mind, but I couldn’t quite banish the guilty thought that Vic knew exactly where my phone was, and that he hadn’t been in the room when I was talking to Mum and Dad.
‘Seriously,’ he said, making me jump. ‘I could sort out some security for you, if it would give you peace of mind. It’ll make me feel better too.’
I closed my eyes, shame burning through me. ‘Thanks,’ I whispered, as he kissed the top of my head. ‘I’ll think about it.’
Once his breathing had deepened into sleep and darkness pressed into the room, fear wrapped around me, tightening my chest. I couldn’t help imagining all the ways I might be about to die. A shove in the back into oncoming traffic, or in front of a train, or a knife driven into my abdomen.
My breathing grew shallow and sweat pooled between my breasts beneath my vest top. I threw off the sheet and turned over, but couldn’t switch off my mind, imagining poison being slipped into my food, an injection in my neck, or stomach – insulin, maybe; wasn’t that supposed to be undetectable after death? Maybe my demise would be prolonged, intended to make me suffer. Of course there was death by drowning, but I rarely ventured near water these days, so that seemed unlikely.
My mind switched to scenes of torture until I was almost hyperventilating. Every scenario I dredged up felt like it belonged to fiction, too far-fetched and unlikely for real life, but the thought provided no comfort.
Whoever had sent those messages meant every word.
Chapter 5
I had the dream for the first time in ages. Bobbing by the sand on my blue and white inflatable, fingers trailing in the water as I looked through the rippling surface for the starfish Jamie had told me he’d seen. Then, my heart jerking with fear as it dawned on me that the seabed was no longer visible. I was moving too fast, dragged by an invisible current away from the beach. An angry wind had whipped up, sending clouds across the sun, tossing the waves into peaks. Whimpering, I pushed myself up on my hands and knees, gripping the sides of the slippery rubber Lilo, eyes raking the beach for my family, the people there reduced to Lego size. How could I have got so far away so quickly?
