Sydney Harbour Hospital: Bella's Wishlist

‘Evie?’ He’d expected that she wanted to discuss the transplant. He had expected to advise her to talk to Sam. Charlie was an orthopaedic surgeon. Lung transplants were Sam’s area of expertise, not his. ‘I don’t understand.’

‘You heard Sam, I’m on borrowed time. I’m not ready to give up yet but there’s no guarantee that a suitable donor will be found in time.’

Her breathing was laboured and when she paused to catch her breath he could hear a faint wheeze. She had an oxygen tube resting on her top lip and out of habit he checked the flow and her oxygen sats on the monitor to make sure she was getting an adequate supply. The flow was fine so he returned his attention to Bella.

‘If I’m running out of time,’ she was saying, ‘I want to make sure my sisters are okay.’

His frowned deepened. ‘Sam has just told you that your last hope is to find a suitable donor for new lungs and you’re worried about your sisters?’ Charlie was amazed. If he were in the same situation he doubted he’d be able to think about anything except whether he was going to live or die.

Bella shrugged. ‘There’s nothing I can do about finding a donor but making sure Evie is okay might be something I can have some influence over.’

‘What’s wrong with her?’ He hadn’t noticed anything amiss but, to be honest, he hadn’t seen a lot of Evie lately.

‘I know this whole donor thing is stressing Evie out. She feels responsible for me. She always has ever since our mother walked out on us. But, really, this situation isn’t unexpected, we all knew this day would come. But Evie doesn’t seem to be coping as well as I would have thought.’

Bella stopped, interrupted by a coughing fit, and Charlie could only watch as her slight frame shuddered with each spasm. She had asked him to stay behind. There must be something she needed. ‘What did you want me to do?’ he asked as he poured some water into a glass for her and waited while she sipped it.

‘Thanks,’ she said as she moistened her throat before she continued to speak in a voice that was just louder than a whisper. ‘She seems on edge, which isn’t like her, and she’s been like that for a little while. Something is bothering her but she won’t tell me what it is. Have you noticed anything?’

‘I haven’t seen that much of her lately,’ he admitted. But if Bella was right and Evie was troubled, he was pretty sure he knew what the problem was. The sisters were extraordinarily close and he could just imagine how much this situation was tearing Evie apart. ‘I imagine she’s just worried about you and doesn’t want to burden you with her concerns.’ He wished he felt like he was doing a better job of comforting Bella but he didn’t think he’d be improving her spirits with this clumsy attempt at reassurance.

‘I think it’s something unrelated to me,’ Bella admitted.

‘Like what?’

‘I don’t know. Sometimes it’s as though she has the weight of the world on her shoulders and you know what she’s like, she doesn’t like to burden people with her troubles. A couple of the nurses were talking about Evie and they mentioned Finn Kennedy. I wondered if something had happened between them, something that would upset her. Have you heard anything?’

Bella’s earlier nervousness had disappeared. She’d stopped fidgeting and Charlie wondered whether he’d only imagined her to be on edge. He shook his head. ‘I’ve heard nothing. There’s been the usual gossip about the staff and usual complaints about the doctors’ egos, but I’ve heard nothing about Evie specifically.’

‘Will you promise me that if anything happens to me, you’ll look out for her?’ Bella asked. ‘She needs somebody to take care of her and she’s so independent, which makes it tough. At least she might let you close.’

Charlie nodded. ‘I promise I’ll make sure she’s okay.’ He could do that. He wished he could tell Bella that she’d be able to keep an eye on Evie herself but they both knew that might not be the case. They both knew what the reality was.

He could hear Bella wheezing as she breathed and he knew she needed to rest. He should leave and let her recover but he needed to know that everything was under control first. ‘Is anything else bothering you?’ he asked.

‘Well, I also want to see Lexi happily married to Sam but I don’t think you can help me there.’ Bella smiled and Charlie caught a glimpse of humour despite her circumstances.

‘Why wouldn’t they get married?’ he asked.

Bella shook her head. ‘I’m sure they will but I want to be there when they do. Lexi wants time to organise a huge circus, and I know it’s her wedding …’ She smiled. ‘Their wedding,’ she corrected, ‘but I wish she’d agree to hurry things up. I don’t want to miss out.’

Her smile had gone and the tension had returned to her shoulders. She had the bed sheet bunched up tight in her right hand and her knuckles were white with the effort. Maybe it had been stress he’d been witnessing all along.

Charlie wished again that there was something he could do to reassure her. ‘You need to be positive. You have to believe you will get a second chance.’ He knew his words were hopelessly inadequate but he was out of his depth.

‘All right, I’ll go along with your fairy-tale for now,’ Bella replied. ‘Let’s say a donor is found in time, before Lexi and Sam have a chance to get married. What if something happens to me during the surgery? That’s a risk too. Sam is my surgeon. How do you think that will affect their relationship? I know the idea of me dying terrifies Lexi but if they’re already married they’ll have to get past it, but if they’re not …’ Bella paused and shrugged her bony shoulders. ‘I don’t want to be responsible for something happening and coming between them.’

‘How can what happens in surgery be your responsibility?’

‘It’s my decision to have the surgery and the other alternative if something goes wrong is for it to be Sam’s responsibility. If I don’t have the surgery then that pressure is removed.’

‘If you don’t have the surgery, you’ll die.’ Charlie knew he was being blunt but he also knew Bella understood the facts. ‘It’s Sam’s job to make sure nothing happens to you. He’s a surgeon, that goes with the territory.’

‘Don’t get me wrong. If a donor is found, I will have the transplant, but I’d just prefer it if Lexi and Sam were married first. Does that make sense?’

Charlie nodded. In some strange roundabout way it did make perfect sense. He could understand her logic. ‘I assume you’ve spoken to Lexi about this?’

She nodded. ‘But Lexi has a tendency to get her own way and she wants it all to be perfect. In Lexi’s mind the wedding will happen when I’ve had a transplant and life is going on for everyone just as it should. She won’t consider the possibility that I might not make it. She won’t admit that waiting might mean she doesn’t get perfection. She thinks if she ignores the facts, it’ll all go away. She thinks wishing it will make it so. I don’t want to make a fuss but it’s a big deal to me.’

‘What about having someone else perform the surgery? Someone other than Sam?’

‘Like who?’ Bella asked. ‘Evie told me Sam is one of the best. If I’m going to have a lung transplant, I want the best odds I can get.’

Charlie thought about Bella’s options. Finn Kennedy, Head of Surgery at Sydney Harbour Hospital, was one of the best cardiac surgeons in Australia but he wasn’t a heart-lung specialist. If Charlie had needed heart surgery, he’d happily choose Finn to operate on him, but if he needed a lung transplant his money would be on Sam.

‘I guess Sam is your man,’ he agreed. ‘But if Lexi isn’t listening, why don’t you talk to Sam? See if you can get him to persuade Lexi to speed things up. Get him to explain the urgency to her.’

Bella nodded. ‘That makes sense. I wanted Lexi to talk to Sam about it but I don’t think she will. Maybe I should approach it from the other angle, from Sam’s side.’

Charlie watched as Bella’s fist relaxed and her fingers uncurled, releasing the bed sheet. Perhaps his advice had been more effective than he’d anticipated. Could he leave her to rest? ‘So you’ll talk to Sam?’

‘I guess.’

‘Shall I come back tomorrow, check up on you?’

‘You don’t need to do that.’

‘Why not? I can be your conscience, make sure you’ve spoken to Sam. And once you’ve got your sisters’ lives sorted out, I’m interested to know what you want for you.’

‘Me?’ Her tone suggested she hadn’t given any thought to herself and Charlie was astonished by her undemanding, unselfish attitude.

‘Yes. What do you want?’

She frowned as if she’d never given any consideration to her own desires and her grey eyes darkened. ‘Nothing.’

How could she want nothing? Charlie wondered as he left the cardiothoracic ward. Everyone wanted something. But he supposed the only thing she wanted might be unattainable. Bella’s life was in someone else’s hands. Actually, it was in someone else’s body. Bella’s chance at life would come at the expense of someone else’s. Was it better then not to think about it? Was it better not to put that longing into words?

And what was he doing, offering to come back tomorrow? Offering to be her conscience? Why was he getting involved?

Normally he would steer clear of any sort of involvement. He’d learnt that lesson a long time ago. He yearned for freedom and in his experience that didn’t come from involvement with others. But the Lockheart sisters were different. He’d learnt that a long time ago too. Almost ten years ago.

Besides, it was too late to ask himself whether he should get involved. He already was. Ever since he’d first met Evie and she’d dragged him into her world and rescued him from the depths of darkness, the Lockheart sisters had become part of his life. They’d been good for him at a time when he’d been disheartened about life and his future. Evie had helped him through that period, and her situation with her parents and with Bella’s illness had made his troubles seem less significant.

Now it was his turn to repay that debt. It was his turn to support the girls and he would do what he could to make sure all three of them got through this time with their spirits and hearts intact.

Bella was Evie’s little sister. He would help in any way he could. He would be involved but in a practical sense only. This was one woman who was safe from his advances. Not because she was unattractive, far from it, her auburn hair, pale skin and grey eyes were a mesmerising combination, but Bella was Evie’s little sister, which meant she was practically family and she was definitely off limits. But he could offer support, he knew they would need it, and that would be the extent of his involvement. She was Evie’s little sister and he would be wise to remember that.

With his involvement sorted in his mind, he headed for the bank of elevators to take him up to the orthopaedic wards and was surprised to find Evie waiting in the corridor. He thought everyone would have been long gone.

‘Were you waiting for me?’ he asked.

Evie shook her head. ‘No. I just finished talking to Richard.’

Charlie waited. He knew Evie and her father had a volatile relationship. Sometimes things went smoothly, other times not so much. He wondered how things were at the moment. ‘How did that go?’

‘No different from the usual,’ Evie sighed. ‘Bella needs his support, she needs support from all of us right now, and I don’t know if any of them understand how serious this is. Richard certainly doesn’t seem to grasp just how difficult it is to find suitable donors, Lexi doesn’t want to think about the consequences if there is no donor, and don’t get me started on my mother.’

‘So that leaves you to try to hold it all together?’

‘I guess so.’

The burden of Bella’s illness had always fallen on Evie and it looked as though that was still the case. Sam was obviously some support but Evie’s immediate family sounded as though they were all still in denial, assuming her mother even knew what was going on. He wondered if he’d been right. Was the stress upsetting Evie? Even so, Charlie knew Evie would always be there to support Bella. Maybe Bella was right—if something was bothering Evie, perhaps it was another issue.

‘Walk with me?’ he invited. ‘I need another coffee.’

She was silent as they walked back to the doctors’ lounge. He kept quiet too, thinking that if he waited she might tell him what else was on her mind, but she didn’t break the silence. He shrugged as he spooned coffee into the machine. He’d never pretended to understand women. Perhaps there wasn’t anything else bothering her.

Evie watched as Charlie fiddled with the coffee machine. The doctors’ lounge in this ward had a proper coffee machine and the hospital’s best coffee. Technically neither of them should be using it as it had been purchased by the cardiothoracic unit for their doctors, but Evie knew Charlie would get away with it, just like he got away with most things, and she wasn’t about to argue.

She was silent as the machine gurgled to life. She knew Charlie was watching her, waiting for her to say something, but she didn’t know what else to say. She didn’t know what she could do.

‘It’ll be okay, Evie.’

Did he know what she was thinking?

‘You don’t know that,’ she retorted.

‘You’re right, I don’t, but it’s all we can hope for. We have to stay positive. Bella needs that from all of us,’ he said as the coffee dripped into the cups.

‘What did she want to speak to you about?’

‘She needed to get some things off her chest.’

‘Why didn’t she talk to me?’ she asked, hating the petulant tone she heard in her voice, but she couldn’t help it. For as long as she could remember she’d been Bella’s confidante and protector. What made Bella think she couldn’t come to her now?

‘I think she just needed to talk to someone who isn’t quite as invested emotionally in her as you are.’

‘But she’s always confided in me.’

Not always, he thought. But Evie didn’t need to hear that now.

‘Don’t worry, she’s okay.’ Charlie’s deep brown eyes were sombre as he stepped towards her and wrapped his arms around her, hugging her against his chest. ‘The best thing you can do for her right now is just be there. Just like you’ve always been. She needs you.’

Evie closed her eyes and leant against Charlie’s solid chest as she let out a long breath. It felt good to have a hug with no hidden agenda, a straightforward, comforting hug from a friend. It felt good to let someone else worry about her for a change.

‘I’m consulting today. Call me if there’s anything you need,’ he said. ‘Anything. I’m here for you, okay?’

His words vibrated in his chest and into Evie but she was also aware of the air in the room moving and she knew someone else had entered the lounge. She opened her eyes and her gaze settled on the last person she expected to see. The last person she wanted to see.

Finn Kennedy.

The last time she’d been in somebody’s arms they’d been his. He stood in the doorway, rigid and forbidding, with his usual unfathomable expression on his face. His gaze was locked on her as she was held in Charlie’s embrace. He didn’t speak and he didn’t move. Heat flooded through her, unbidden, unwanted, unplanned, as he watched her with his piercing blue eyes.

Evie stepped back, breaking Charlie’s hold on her. ‘I’d better go. I need to hit the showers and get downstairs.’ She picked up her coffee and stirred milk and sugar into it, resolutely keeping her gaze focussed on her drink.

‘I’ll see you later,’ Charlie said.

She looked up at him as he spoke. The doorway was empty. She and Charlie were alone again.

It was probably just as well, she thought with a sigh. She didn’t have the time or the energy to deal with Finn Kennedy, esteemed cardiac surgeon, Head of Surgery and her most recent lover. Although that term was probably too generous. They’d shared one fiery sexual interlude but she couldn’t call it lovemaking. It had been steamy, fierce and passionate but without tenderness. It had been raw, impulsive and gratifying but it could not be repeated.

She did not have time to think about Finn Kennedy. She needed to stay in control and, where Finn was concerned, she’d already demonstrated an extreme lack of self-control.

She thanked Charlie and kissed his cheek before she left to get on with her day, hoping and praying for it to improve. She showered in Bella’s bathroom and changed into surgical scrubs. She hadn’t thought to ask Lexi to lend her some clean clothes and there was no way she’d fit into any of Bella’s things, even if Lexi had packed some choices other than pyjamas. At five feet nine inches, Evie was four inches taller than Bella and about two dress sizes bigger. While no one would call Evie plump, Bella was as thin as a whippet because of the cystic fibrosis.

She kissed Bella goodbye and headed for the lift to go to A and E. She yawned as she waited. She was halfway through the yawn when the lift doors slid open to reveal one occupant.

Finn.

Obviously she hadn’t been wishing hard enough for her day to improve.

All it took was one glance, no more than a second long, before her heart was racing in her chest. Her lips were dry and her face burned under the scrutiny of his gaze. She couldn’t let him see how he affected her.

She turned her back to push the button for the ground floor only to find it had already been pressed. No other buttons were lit. Which meant Finn was riding all the way down with her.

‘Late night?’ Finn’s deep, husky voice made her jump. She hadn’t expected him to speak to her. The way he’d looked at her earlier with his disapproving, ice-cold blue eyes she would have bet he’d ignore her. What was it about him? When she wanted him to talk he refused to open up to her yet when she wanted to be left in peace and quiet he had to engage her in conversation. He was so infuriating.

‘Yes.’ She turned to face him as she answered and saw him look her up and down. She knew he would notice what she was wearing.

‘I take it you couldn’t make it home?’

Yep, he’d noticed, and she knew what he was implying. She was tempted to let him think he was right but she was too tired to play games.

She glared at him. She was tired and worried. She’d let him take the brunt of her bad mood.

‘I spent the night in the cardiothoracic ward. Bella is in hospital again. She was admitted last night.’ She was happy if her comment made him feel bad. Why should she be the only one who worried about other people’s feelings?

He reached out a hand and took half a step towards her before he thought better of it. She could literally see him change his mind. His hand dropped to his side and his tone softened. ‘Evie, I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Is there anything I can do?’

Don’t be nice to me. I don’t know how to handle it if you’re nice. She was terrified she’d burst into tears in the lift. In front of Finn. ‘There’s nothing you can do unless you’re a miracle worker. She needs a pair of new lungs.’ She was snappy and defensive. It was the only way to ensure she didn’t crumble.

‘I doubt even the Lockheart name can get lungs to order.’ His tone was cool now, his blue eyes appraising. ‘I meant, is there anything I can do for you?’

‘What could you possibly do?’

‘I could organise for someone to cover your shift so you could be with Bella.’

Great, Finn hands you an olive branch and you set it on fire before you give it back. That’s just great. Well done, Evie.

She would love to take him up on his offer but she couldn’t back down now. It wasn’t in her nature and she certainly wasn’t about to give Finn the satisfaction of having the last word. ‘There’s nothing I can do for her,’ she said. Evie expected Bella to sleep for most of the day and Lexi was going to stay with her. ‘I’d rather be busy down here,’ she added as the lift doors opened and she stepped out into the emergency department. Work would ensure her mind was occupied. Staying busy was the best way to keep her mind off Bella’s situation. And off Finn.

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