Women are the largest oppressed group in the world, and the degrees of subjugation vary from country to country, with women in the West faring much better than their counterparts in developing parts of the world. In their 2008 Pulitzer Prize-winning book Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide, Nicholas Kristof and his wife, Sheryl WuDunn, argue that: ‘In the nineteenth century, the central moral challenge was slavery. In the twentieth century, it was the battle against totalitarianism. We believe that in this century the paramount moral challenge will be the struggle for gender equality around the world.’ A struggle it may be, but it’s one that will be 100 per cent worth it, given the rewards that are to be won. So, in this section, I will challenge the idea of women as ‘other’, and argue that the results – personal, cultural, and economic – of diversifying gender will be spectacularly beneficial, for women, for men, and for society as a whole.
CHAPTER ONE
In the Boardroom
‘Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.’
Marianne Williamson
On 29 May 1851, a heckler disrupted the Ohio Women’s Rights Convention, leaving the room stunned with a speech that would go down in history as one of the most iconic feminist speeches of all time.
The heckler was Sojourner Truth. Born a slave 54 years earlier, she was the complete antithesis of the aristocratic women who had gathered there to discuss female emancipation. Her ‘Ain’t I a woman?’ speech was unapologetic, courageous, and humorous, and it brought the audience to their feet with rapturous applause. Sojourner Truth’s powerful words of female empowerment were a clarion call then as they still are now:
That man over there says that women need to be helped into carriages, and lifted over ditches, and to have the best place everywhere. Nobody ever helps me into carriages, or over mud-puddles, or gives me any best place! And ain’t I a woman? Look at me! Look at my arm! I have ploughed and planted, and gathered into barns, and no man could head me! And ain’t I a woman? I could work as much and eat as much as a man – when I could get it – and bear the lash as well! And ain’t I a woman? I have borne 13 children, and seen most all sold off to slavery, and when I cried out with my mother’s grief, none but Jesus heard me! And ain’t I a woman?
Then they talk about this thing in the head; what’s this they call it? [A member of the audience whispers ‘intellect’.] That’s it, honey. What’s that got to do with women’s rights or negroes’ rights? If my cup won’t hold but a pint, and yours holds a quart, wouldn’t you be mean not to let me have my little half measure full?
Then that little man in black there, he says women can’t have as much rights as men, ’cause Christ wasn’t a woman! Where did your Christ come from? Where did your Christ come from? From God and a woman! Man had nothing to do with Him.
If the first woman God ever made was strong enough to turn the world upside down all alone, these women together ought to be able to turn it back, and get it right side up again! And now they is asking to do it, the men better let them.*
Those final words are still being quoted centuries later. Sojourner Truth’s breathtaking performance at the convention would thrust her into the limelight and turn her into an icon for both gender and racial equality. A year later, she would meet Harriet Beecher Stowe – one of the celebrated abolitionists and feminists of the day – and these two great women would discuss women’s rights. In 1863, Beecher Stowe wrote an article in the Atlantic Weekly about their encounter, entitled ‘Sojourner Truth – the Libyan Sibyl’. She quoted Truth as saying: ‘If women want any rights more than they’s got, why don’t they just take them, and not be talking about it.’ If only it were that simple.
Imposter syndrome
The truth is, the gender confidence gap is real. For centuries, women have been told that they are not good enough to receive an education, not good enough to be able to vote, not good enough to have the same jobs, power, and pay as men. They have been told this so often that deep down they have learned to believe it, even though their conscious mind knows it isn’t true. So sometimes we women are our own worst barrier to change due to our learned self-criticism, our internalized misogyny, which cements our status as the ‘other’ woman – someone who never feels quite at home with success. As a starting point, we must learn to confront this self-criticism in order to embrace a diverse society.
Introducing Agyness
Truth’s courageous attitude in relation to equality is way ahead of many twenty-first-century women, even though we have far more opportunities than she could ever have dreamed of. So many of us still suffer from ‘Imposter Syndrome’, perfectly described by Sheryl Sandberg in her 2013 book, Lean In:
Many people, but especially women, feel fraudulent when they are praised for their accomplishments. Instead of feeling worthy of recognition, they feel undeserving and guilty, as if a mistake has been made. Despite being high achievers, even experts in their fields, women can’t seem to shake the sense that it is only a matter of time until they are found out for who they really are – impostors with limited skills or abilities.*
This form of female professional insecurity is something I thoroughly relate to. I spend hours on the phone with one of my dear friends, dissecting the multiple layers of this syndrome, which can manifest in a range of ways – from simple self-deprecation to all-out self-sabotage.
We decided the best way to tackle our Imposter Syndrome was to name and shame it, sort of like Beyoncé–Sasha Fierce in reverse. The only name suitable for such a destructive foe? Agyness (with no offence to any Agynesses out there). And the funny thing with Agyness is that she is unpredictable; you have no idea when she is going to rear her pernicious head. And, when she does, she can wreak havoc.
70%: the percentage of girls who believe that they are ‘not good enough’ in some way (including looks, education, and relationships).*
4%: the percentage of CEO positions held by women across Fortune 500 companies.†
I remember, a while back, Agyness had tricked me into believing she was finally gone for good. I had been overdosing on ‘you can do it’ books and thought I was permanently rid of her. While riding this Agyness-free wave, I was invited by Bill Clinton’s team to present at his annual Clinton Global Initiative (CGI) opening gala. The line-up included Matt Damon, Eva Longoria, Angélique Kidjo, Carlos Slim, and many more luminaries from the worlds of business, public life, entertainment, and philanthropy. I was brimming with excitement, and felt no nerves as I casually made small talk backstage with former president Clinton, then San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom, and the actress Rosario Dawson. I felt a million dollars as I waltzed onto the stage in a black-beaded evening gown to introduce Seal, who was performing that evening. Perhaps, I thought, I was finally worthy enough to rendezvous in these revered circles … Wrong!
The next day, during the CGI preliminary session, Agyness returned with a bang. President Obama was delivering a speech on women and gender equality, so the room was packed full. Even so, somehow among the 600 or so people, I managed to sit next to Jochen Zeitz, former CEO of Sport & Lifestyle for the Kering Group (owners of luxury fashion brands such as Gucci, Puma, and Alexander McQueen). Jochen has been a real pioneer in ethical fashion and is the co-founder of The B-Team with Sir Richard Branson – an organization that is committed to business fairness. So, needless to say, I’m a huge fan of his work. For months I’d been trying to secure him as a speaker at a conference I was organizing and was having difficulty finding the best route to reach him – and here it had been handed to me on a plate.
As I opened my mouth to introduce myself, Agyness took over and I froze. I couldn’t speak, my palms began to sweat, and I was overcome with insecurity and self-doubt. Agyness was on a roll, bombarding me with numerous reasons as to why I shouldn’t ask him to speak at our next event. An hour passed, he even smiled a few times, but I averted my eyes and looked to the floor. Eventually he and his team left.
I was furious with myself for not having seized the opportunity that was right in front of me. I got up to leave and bumped into an old work colleague in the seminar foyer. As my colleague and I chatted, Jochen and his team walked past and stopped yards away from where we were standing. They say there are no second chances in life, but here I was, being given one just moments after I had blown the first. This was my opportunity to take the reins from Agyness and redeem myself to myself. But, unfortunately, Agyness overpowered me and I froze again as Jochen and his team left the building.
That was a pivotal moment for me, a moment when I let fear win the day. What was different this time, compared to when I was walking onto that stage? Why did I make a choice to play it safe rather than risk rejection? On another occasion, there could have been an entirely different outcome – there have been plenty of times in my life when opportunities have presented themselves and I’ve jumped at them, because in that particular moment I was feeling confident and sure of my abilities.
I’ve nicknamed this moment a ‘Jochen Moment’ – basically the opposite of a light-bulb moment. Fortunately, ‘Jochen Moments’ do not occur as much as they used to, but when they do, Agyness is usually lurking somewhere not too far away.
I’m pleased to say this story has a happy ending: a few years later I did manage to summon up the courage to ask and, yes, Jochen did end up speaking at one of my events. In this case opportunity actually knocked thrice, but obviously this is by no means the norm. I got lucky.
I encourage you to muster up the courage to seize all good opportunities when they arise. Courage requires risking failure and rejection, but it’s a muscle that needs to be regularly exercised in order to develop core strength.
The Agyness Challenge
My cousin Reg has an interesting theory about women and fearing rejection – he believes that part of the reason men are better at dealing with rejection is because of the practice they get in the dating arena. According to Reg, from the time boys hit puberty and start asking girls out, ‘no’ is a word they become well acquainted with. Therefore they take ‘no’ less personally, and see it as a numbers game. As far as Reg is concerned, for every ten women he asks out at least one is bound to say yes – two if he’s lucky. Those aren’t bad odds.
And he might actually have a point. The research suggests that in the workplace men are better at dealing with rejection than women, and certainly don’t judge themselves as harshly. Sharon Vosmek, founder and CEO of Astia (a US not-for-profit organization that supports women-led businesses), cites a study by Professor Shelley Correll at the Clayman Institute for Gender Research at Stanford University, which monitored the reactions of ‘C’ grade calculus students. This is what Vosmek discovered:
The men were perceiving they had passed and were wizards, and would potentially use it to go on and negotiate a higher salary. Women in the same calculus class – the majority would drop the course, perceiving they had failed and never mention it again. So what happens when women are rejected? They are already rejecting themselves.*
My ‘Jochen Moment’, it turns out, was a classic female response, hardwired from centuries of gender conditioning. It forced me to face my insecurities and stop avoiding the fact that they existed, something I had been doing my whole adult life. And using Reg’s theory as my guide for healing, I decided to develop my own ‘Agyness Challenge’ based on Jason Comely’s ‘Rejection Therapy’; I suppose this is a sort of Degree for the Others. Comely, a Canadian entrepreneur, devised a social self-help ‘game’ for overcoming a fear of rejection, whereby to ‘win’ required you to receive at least one rejection each day for a period of time, with the intention of training yourself to overcome the fear through extended exposure.
Do this today: the five objectives of Rejection Therapy
1. Be more aware of how irrational social fears control and restrict our lives.
2. Smash the tyranny of fear and reap the treasures (treasures include wealth, relationships, and self-confidence).
3. Learn from, and even enjoy rejection.
4. Do not be attached to outcomes, especially when it involves the free agency of other people.
5. Permit yourself to fail.
My challenge involves me journaling which of my career choices have been led by Agyness, and which by my confident self. I also do simple things, like seeking advice or mentorship from people I admire – this can be by cold email, or by approaching them at events and seminars.
I force myself to do this much more than I am naturally comfortable with. Even though I work in television and on the surface seem to be very much an extrovert, I am actually quite shy, so this is a real effort for me. However, the benefits far outweigh the safety of staying in my comfort zone.
One example of this is a friendship I now have with Simon Collins, former Dean of the Parsons’ School of Fashion in New York. I wanted Simon’s help with Ldny.com, a fashion social enterprise I was launching. I emailed him more than five times and he ignored me on each occasion. Something similar happened with Ed Burstell, then CEO of Liberty.
Usually, I would have let Agyness’s fear of rejection win, but this time my challenge meant I couldn’t. So even though it wasn’t exactly a boost to my ego, I refused to give up, and persisted until both of them responded. I can now confidently say they are both glad they did. We’ve gone on to work on some great projects together as well as to form great friendships, all of which we would have missed out on had I not persisted – which causes me to ask myself: what have I lost on those occasions when Agyness has prevailed?
So, I urge women and other ‘others’ everywhere to challenge their own Agyness. We have to learn not to take rejection personally, and rather view it as part of the pathway to success. Once women allow themselves to fear that they are not pretty enough, not clever enough, not strong enough, they behave in a way that limits themselves and makes their dreams less likely to come to fruition. I don’t know if it’s ever possible to rid ourselves 100 per cent of our Agyness – a lifetime of conditioning cannot be erased overnight. However, facing rejection head-on means you become desensitized to it and better equipped to rise above it, which will help level the playing field not just for ourselves but for future generations.
Having it all
The payoff, for ourselves and for society, when we push beyond our worthiness barriers is priceless. Through my work, I’ve been fortunate enough to come up close and personal with some of the most inspirational women of our time – women who fearlessly embody the Sheryl Sandberg philosophy of ‘leaning in’; women who defy (present-day) expectations and limitations.
These women are creating a new normal – one that is centred around female-friendly working practices – and it’s being led by women like Mary Callahan Erdoes. As chief executive officer of J.P. Morgan Asset Management, Callahan Erdoes is one of the most important people in finance and supervises over $2.2 trillion in assets. A wife and mother to three children, she explained to me how she used her seniority to make it easier for other working mothers within her organization. She leaves the office early enough to collect her children from school every day, and loudly announces it daily to her team: ‘I’m leaving to go and pick up the kids.’
Another leading working mother who is unapologetic about it is Helena Morrissey, former CEO of Newton Investment Management, a £51 billion Bank of New York Mellon European fund. Morrissey is also the co-founder of The 30% Club, a campaign to make UK FTSE-100 boardrooms 30 per cent female. She is a trailblazer and has risen to the top of the UK finance industry. However, she is almost as famous for her professional achievements as she is for her nine children, who range in age from seven to twenty-four.
Morrissey leaves the office every day at 6 p.m. to be home in time for family dinner and the odd bit of ironing. She credits part of her success to having a stay-at-home husband, Richard: ‘The idea that a woman can have a family and friends and hold down a difficult, high-octane job when both partners work full-time – that is a very tall order. I am not saying it’s impossible, but it’s a bit unrealistic.’
Morrissey believes that the key to having it all is for modern couples to determine which career should take precedence while the children are young. And, crucially, this doesn’t have to be the man’s. In Morrissey’s case, after their fourth child was born she and Richard, then a journalist, decided he should stay at home and she should continue with her career – a decision that has paid off considerably. The return on investment (ROI) has not only benefited their family (as Morrissey is one of the highest paid executives in the city), it’s also benefited British society – for, in this couple, we have a high-profile example of what The Other Way could be.
Obviously, Callahan Erdoes and Morrissey are unique examples, as these two women are at the very top of their industries. Parent-friendly working practices are easier to implement when you are the boss. However, if more women rise through the corporate ranks, from VP level to the coveted C-suite (Corner office), these sorts of flexible working patterns will become more and more commonplace – because they will have to.
A new kind of role model
Role models are important, for women and men; they give us a glimpse of our possible futures and can keep us on track when our dreams seem out of reach. I remember having a conversation about this with my friend Toby Daniels, founder of the highly successful Social Media Week conferences. I’ve often chewed the fat with him regarding gender equality, as I do with all my male friends and colleagues, and on one occasion Toby made a point that stopped me in my tracks: ‘Men don’t see women as role models.’ In an attempt to halt my jaw from hitting the floor, he went on to explain:
Mark Zuckerberg grew up wanting to be Bill Gates, Mark Dorsey grew up wanting to be Steve Jobs, Marissa Mayer probably looked up to the same male role models as Zuckerberg and Dorsey with a few female ones too. I doubt Zuckerberg and Dorsey would have had female business role models. When we have a woman who creates and is credited for the next groundbreaking innovation that moves humanity forward, such as the next Internet or the next Apple, then there will be a generation of boys and young men wanting to emulate those women.
I had never even thought about whether or not boys, or indeed girls, grew up with any female business role models. I’ve always had a slew of male business icons I’ve looked up to and whose biographies I’ve devoured. As it stands, women have many professional male role models, but the reverse is seldom true.
I have no idea if Toby is right about Marissa Mayer growing up inspired by Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, but I do know that Mayer has a surprising female role model whose ‘against all odds’ story deeply resonates with her own – the 2002 Olympic Gold medallist Sarah Hughes. In a 2013 interview with Bloomberg Businessweek, Mayer likened her appointment as CEO of Yahoo to Hughes’s unlikely winning performance. ‘No one thought Sarah Hughes had a chance to win. Afterward, Hughes said that she didn’t quite know how she had done it and she wasn’t sure she would ever be able to repeat it. It was the routine of her life … I feel like Sarah Hughes. Actually, I still have her performance saved on my TiVo.’
At 37 and seven months pregnant, Mayer managed to pull off an incredibly impressive career move and leapfrog from vice president, location & local services at Google, to president and CEO of Yahoo. Many industry insiders were stunned, as there were numerous tech execs who were more senior and would have seemed more likely candidates for the job, but Mayer had something these didn’t: the power of the personal brand.
While at Google, Mayer carved out a stellar profile for herself as spokesperson for the company. She was also well known and respected outside of tech circles and able to explain complex technologies to the masses via the mainstream media. Undoubtedly her public profile would have played a role in helping the board of Yahoo in their decision. They would have been savvy enough to know that not only did Mayer have the ability to do the job, she also had the brand to sell the company to shareholders and potential advertisers. Even though Mayer’s tenure at Yahoo has been viewed as mixed, she undoubtedly brought something extra – something unquantifiable on a CV, but nonetheless impactful in real life.
Every female in a leadership position is a role model for a new generation of both men and women about what is possible. One such woman, who’s always been one of my favourite role models, is Clare Boothe Luce, a woman who carved out a phenomenal life for herself in mid-twentieth-century America, then very much a man’s world.
A Vanity Fair excerpt from the second volume of Sylvia Jukes Morris’s biography of Boothe Luce opens with: ‘What Clare Boothe Luce wanted, Clare Boothe Luce got: a man, a seat in Congress, an ambassadorship.’ All this was true, but Boothe Luce also managed to achieve so much more. She was able to soar to great heights in three distinctly different careers. Starting out as a journalist, she rose to become managing editor of Vanity Fair in 1930, aged 24, making her one of the youngest magazine editors in history. She then tried her hand at playwriting, penning the smash hit The Women in 1936, and later the screenplay for the movie Come to the Stable, which earned an Oscar nomination in 1949 for Best Story. After writing came a foray into politics, where she became one of the first women in Congress after running as a Republican and winning what was then a safe Democratic seat. She rounded out her political career as an ambassador to Italy for the Eisenhower administration.
Boothe Luce was very much aware of the double standards women of her day faced, and that her success or failure would affect not just her personally but the perception of female ability in general. ‘Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, “She doesn’t have what it takes”; they will say, “Women don’t have what it takes.”’
Any woman who works knows that Boothe Luce’s words are as true today as they were when she uttered them over four decades ago. Even so, she never let the barriers she faced prevent her from succeeding. Instead, she used them as motivation to defy expectations for women of her day. Hers was a life well lived and a life that has inspired generations of women who have followed in her footsteps.
The American Dream seems to provide a better breeding ground for these kinds of entrepreneurial women. By default, American women benefit from this system more than their UK counterparts. British women are still so underutilized, especially once they become mothers, when we still have so much more to add to the British economy. In a 2012 speech about female economic empowerment, then Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg declared that the ‘absence of women from our economy is costing us dearly. If the United Kingdom had, for example, the same proportion of female entrepreneurs as the United States, we would see an extra £42 billion on GDP. In the words of the World Bank, gender equality is “smart economics”.’ He closed with, ‘Greater equality, a fairer society, a stronger economy too.’
