Star Wanderer writes. A soft whisper on the lips. Contemporary Prose

PART II – TORN LEAVES

A light breeze tore the leaves from the tree. And below, a stream gurgled merrily. The stream beckoned the traveler to drink clean water. Leaf after leaf flew away: “How beautiful, and I don’t have to invent paradise. Only the songs of the nightingale, for some reason not enough? I sit on the bank and I will remember that girl. With sad eyes like an angel in delirium. In years gone by, everything seems like a fairy tale. And my heart still aches as it did before. A stream gurgled merrily…

– Darling, do you remember how we used to love to walk with you on the shore of the purple sea? Everything was strewn with scarlet shells. Aliana, you danced and were the most beautiful in the whole universe! And what flowers we had! You loved roses that sang of love. I picked them for you with such joy and delight! And your smile made me happy! Aliana, my joy, I want to disobey you. I can’t let you be so lonely. But why you? Though I always suspected that you were special. Where is our sweet home? And then you will be yourself,” he kissed her sleepy eyes, very sweet and beautiful.

THE RAVEN COMES WITH HOPE

Some sing about the crow, some compose poetry, and some just wait for him. Like a kind of temptation that is so easy to succumb to. It’s only a matter of time. Ah, where to go! I don’t like the tightness of my present dress! I want to try on another one as soon as possible. It is like a dream that goes away. And only the raven comes with hope when there is no turning back…

HUGGED HIS BELOVED

– Darling, how do you feel, are you comfortable?

– I am always comfortable in your arms. Hold me tight. Yesterday, when I was walking, I felt uncomfortable, as if all the skies had collapsed. I felt the presence of other people’s thoughts, but they were so suddenly native to me that I was literally lost in time.

– Don’t be sad, I’m glad you’re healthy and here with me. All bad thoughts away. Forgive me for not being there for you. Everything will be fine. The young man embraced the girl, reassuring her, himself not believing the reality he had so dreamed of. Kind, sweet, snuggling so lovingly against him. He was afraid to disturb, to break this peace, where the warmth of a native heart and the mystery that the sea had always kept for them in its vastness. The lights of invisible ships and the pale, slow flashes of an unknown lighthouse and the hand dipped in the black water suddenly lit by blue sparks and, of course, the thousands and thousands of small grains of sand that covered everything around them.

– I feel so peaceful with you, darling, and I am glad that we are together.

– I couldn’t tell you everything on the phone. The official’s investigation dragged on, yes, if it hadn’t been for the hospital, it would have been different. It was a long goodbye, and the heart did not want to rest, but how nice to embrace the beautiful one, the only one. He never wanted to think of losing his beloved again…

– Darling, you were in the hospital. How could you help me? Please don’t blame yourself.

Alena tried to explain her helplessness in this or that situation only because they had to go through it. She was offended, too, but she did not stop loving and waiting. Uncertainty was what frightened her most, and sometimes even the plans she made with him were like an echo, but when you shout louder, you begin to believe in your own voice. That’s the comparison, almost fabulous. Assuming that her beloved could be sent on another business trip, to a place where the media kept reporting the continuation of hostilities, she was not overly concerned. In such moments, she remembered the words of the old man, who had earnestly asserted the absence of fear, apparently imagining the future and trying to reassure her. Now she had no desire to remember the past, much less to talk about it any further, for it too was fixed in the memory of its unpredictability and insidiousness.

– Yes, I understand, my love. I couldn’t call you, I was out of town, and then there was the investigation.

– How I worried about you, my love, afraid of losing you! Suddenly I thought my messages were to blame.

– My joy, how could you think that!

Her innocent reasoning only embarrassed him because he could not allow such a thought. Everything important in his life was about her and nothing else.

– Darling, you and I must stay in St. Petersburg. We will walk and rest together. I have a pleasant surprise for you. Don’t tell me you don’t like surprises.

– Of course we’ll stay in St. Petersburg for a few days. Why not? I’m very fond of surprises.

– That’s good. Darling, answer me a question. Why didn’t you leave the first time we met? After all, we had just met. There was a one in a hundred chance that you would do that.

– I just liked the young man in the car across from me. I just knew I couldn’t leave. If I had left first, you wouldn’t have had a chance to stay with me and like me.

– Is that why you sat across from me? Waiting for the guy to get serious and talk to you first? I adore you madly, my love.

– And I will bite you if you keep asking questions.

– That’s it, I’ll keep quiet. I am all yours, my Admiral. And you’ll get a commendation as commander-in-chief.

– What encouragement, what are you talking about?

– Come closer and I’ll kiss my beauty!

– What a joker you are! Honey, look at the waves, we’re about to get our feet wet! I always wanted to return to this island of love. And not to be a lonely woman.

– Yes, the Mediterranean is beautiful. Although I prefer our sea in the Far East, it’s rougher… Anyway, I don’t know where I am. The main thing is that you’re with me, my favorite girl.

– My amateur sailor, I forgive you your wrong coordinates and kiss you now.

– Come closer to me, here I am tangled in your curls again. Beloved baby, and I adore the smell of your hair.

– All for you, my strong man. Maybe tomorrow we’ll take a boat ride, walk through the old fortress. I would love to visit the ancient acropolis. And St. Paul’s Bay isn’t that far. The mood suddenly became adventurous, with a preference for good spirits and faith, like that of a navigator who has seen the shore of a long-awaited land at sea.

– Why don’t we go to a cozy tavern, have a glass of local wine, and I’ll admire your lovely, cunning eyes?

– Yes, that’s right, dear man.

– I don’t mind, but in the meantime you’re in my arms, temptress.

– Well, I will agree to be your prisoner, my love.

Alena loved the sudden urge that came over her. He laid her head gently on his chest and wrapped his arms around her. He smelled like a man, his scent stirred her, his frequent breathing turned her on. He ran his hand over her face, his thumb over her lips. She knew what he was doing, could almost smell the lust, the ruthless male determination.

– Hiding things from me again? – He smiled playfully and ran his hand down her bare leg, pulling up the hem of her dress.

– What am I going to do with you? Are you my naughty little girl?” he said in a hoarse voice, finally reaching her panties. He fumbled with his fingers and found the pretty one. The one she had so carelessly hidden from him. An exciting, pleasurable moan was the answer to this daring act. Relaxed, she laid her head on his shoulder.

– My beauty,” he said, panting with rage as he pulled down her panties, admiring the beauty of her thirsty, blissful face and the hair that fell so beautifully on her lovely breasts. – Come here! – As if commanding, he gasped and pulled her towards him. With every movement, her breasts beckoned, her eyes were covered, and her lips called and teased. Fury filled them both, forcing them to give vent to their passion. He kissed her shoulders, her neck, gently biting her earlobes, enjoying the sighs of a delicate flower so ruthlessly captured by him, yet so passionately yearning to love. The danger she sensed in him stirred and carried her to infinite heights. His gaze was determined, impatience flashing in his eyes. The pleasure that had already erupted in her became so violent that it swallowed her whole. His breath, his inviting voice, this whole night had merged and began to dissolve into one thing: the desire to love. She pressed gently against him, her body surrendering to his passionate caresses. She continued to move to the rhythm of his movements, wanting to finally feel all the power he had over her. Her body gladly accepted his dominance over her, trembling with excitement and pleasure. Calling out to his beloved, he felt the tantalizing beating of her heart. He loved her passionate sighs when she had no strength left for the next breath of air. And he answered her, his tongue bursting into her mouth, desperately seeking what another part of his body craved. He caressed her breasts, going lower and lower, kissing her stomach. He moaned with pleasure, pulling her to him. His intermittent breathing spoke of a storm inside and a loss of reason. This madness needed an outlet. He couldn’t hold back his hoarse sighs of bliss any longer.

She smiled and kissed her hero to bring him to his senses. She loved this lustful excitement and jealousy, it even amused her. It gave her confidence that she was the only woman, the only queen. The well-deserved pleasant feeling of finally being loved. The feeling of jealousy was also inherent in her – a beauty. too wonderful and beautiful he was. So gently and caringly he now laid his hand on her belly. Wrapped in a towel, she made herself comfortable in an armchair and began to taste the incredible, very tasty Greek wine. And she looked again at the blue Mediterranean. And the sailing ships at anchor reminded her of a fairy tale. In this fairy tale there were no troubles or problems. Only the blue sky and the calm surface of the sea. And then there is the cry of the seagulls. They are like a pendulum in time. She tried to answer the questions that were bothering her now. She went through the thoughts in her head again, and she couldn’t find any answers. Then she simply began to live in the here and now. Enjoying every happy moment in paradise…

I WANT TO WAKE UP WITH YOU

I want to wake up beside you and turn my face to you so that you can see the grateful joy in me. I will cry softly, without awakening the longing in my heart. I will speak softly so that no one can hear, words only for you. I’ll just live and love, Like the simple old man on the roof who has taken his hut of love and built it above. He’s no longer strong enough to fall down and up again. And he flew more and more silently. He cherished his wings. He was happy and lived his life without foreign thoughts in it. But he was happy for those who, like him, strove to build their huts higher.

OUTSIDE THE WINDOW THE SUN

Outside the window, the sun is beating like a madman! The midday sun burns mercilessly. And the mosquitoes fly in the cabbage patch. The sound of a summer day. My mood improves with every tomato I eat. Ah, the fresh breeze caresses my feet. I wish I could throw myself into a comfortable hammock. Yes, somewhere, on a deserted island. To be beautiful and enthusiastic about Mallorca! I laugh to myself. I’m sitting on a bench outside my house. And I say to myself, “You’ll never see a posh girl!” And these thoughts amused me pleasantly at that moment.

THINK ABOUT IT

– We have told you that we don’t leave you depending on whether you can hear us or not. We come to your plan in an emotional, disembodied state. But it has always been difficult for us to come to you, you are full of other concerns.

– “And you all want to be masters of both the strong and the weak, for it is easier to be weak, less responsibility. Thoughts are material, get healthy.

You say, “I believe, I believe,” so why haven’t you become healthy? Because you only know…”

– And how much you want to go home at first, you see no point in staying because you have seen the truth, and again you see no point in just continuing the useless karmic delusion.

It seems like that’s it, you’ve worked hard for everybody all at once, and you don’t relate to this world anymore, but you continue to live and breathe here. And in the end it doesn’t matter where you improve yourself, the main thing is to save others.

– “I, there is the universe, the universe, there is I” – this is the motto of all sincerely indifferent people.

– “Why chosen, means some privileges in your understanding? Yes, you have learned to look for the guilty. What is heaven in your understanding? Peace of mind? Would those who are here in your understanding, settled and living better, have peace of mind? No” – We will not leave you…

IF YOU ARE SEARCHING

If you are looking for truth, it means that you have often encountered untruths in life, as each of us has. Perhaps the truth is simply to be found in this restless way, understanding eyes that will be your mirror and reflect only the best and the good, will not betray and will not deceive. And the best thing is that you don’t have to be sure of anything, just as you don’t have to be sure of what no one is sure of, which is tomorrow. – “Never say never!” – is rightly said. Because necessarily and consequently tested by life itself, which can certainly happen to you. And so we continue to believe and hope. Searching for the truth, not shouting about it, not talking into the wind, so that no one can jinx our dreams. And only then will they surely come true! It is impossible to become good quickly through magic. This is the stupid opinion of most lazy people. And laziness is not acceptable for a serious, thinking person. You must work hard and be proud of your creations.

SHE BATHED IN FLOWERS

A barefoot girl bathing in flowers! The pungent smell of clover tickled her nostrils. Ah, merry deeds, when would I suffer so! I would pick flowers with you, girl! I’d swim in the gorge where I’ve been trampling lilies lately. I’d also forget my bravado and make you a wreath of flowers! I’ll also make you happy with a bouquet of flowers! If you remember me, of course, without grief. And I’m so happy that I can’t breathe, I’m so funny. With you, girl, in love and in flowers I bathe. I’m going crazy, but I’ll never forget the happy times. When I met you last summer, Witch – my darling!

GIRL STANDING ALONE

Our time flows like sand in the whirlpool of the years. Still young, we dream of conquering unknown peaks, of plunging into the ocean of great passions. But only one remains rebellious, like a girl on the sidelines. Shining with her purity and kind eyes. And how to tell her that there is nothing more beautiful and clean than her conscientious steps. Sometimes she is naive and sweet, always trying to help. But do we hear her sobs? We pay no attention to her silent suffering. Sooner or later there are only questions, and the answers have to be found somewhere. Yes, that’s the problem, somewhere we lived wrongly, or maybe we just were, in the whirlpool of the spinning years. I want to go lightly, when my time has come. To waltz with the fall of the leaves or the first snowfall, to go to another time. To create, to love and to live. How beautiful it is to give life and see its purpose. To hold a child close to my heart and rejoice in that tenderness. There is no happier mother than a child who smiles at us. But life as an essence is not important. The almighty spirit rules the ball. So be it, so be it, just to be happy. And not once, not twice, but countless times, let us repeat with you the movements of this foxtrot! When we’re spinning in the beautiful waltz, let’s not forget our girl on the sidelines. A companion you can’t find, a friend you can’t find. I want to hear you dance with me from year to year, from world to world. And just so I can understand – no need for me to conquer other people’s peaks…

– “Sometimes reality intertwines with another reality and the lost go crazy. – A lot of doubling and you do not notice how you get there. By observing, you test yourself,” – the spirit brother said about everything in a slightly confused and sly way.

“A soul can go to any world, but since its conscience is pure and not deceived, it will choose the world in which it can and must live. It will not go to a better world because it will be deceived in this, the in-between world. Only in your concept of an in-between world. It cannot be deceived, and that is all it is limited to, only that. Our time flows like sand in the whirlpool” Conscience is the universe. It is always with us and sees everything.

SERENITY AND MAGIC

It is a deliciously charming, beautiful time when a person is calm and easy. On a summer afternoon – when the heat is replaced with a certain periodicity by a light breeze, which you wait for as a kind of salvation. On a mysterious evening – if only because it can also be a pleasant surprise that you wait for. And dreamt of. And, of course, all the most enchanting things are placed on the mysterious night, the progenitor of all that is magical, unknowable, in order to console oneself with good predictions about the new day, despite the hustle and bustle of the same mundane days.

– “And what’s so magical about that?” – you ask. – “Nothing,” I answer. We ourselves are history and destiny, with paths already trodden…

…I remember a time in my childhood. The steppe is endless, unrestrained and perfect in its understanding, it excites anyone who wants to just go into himself. Time stands still, or rather it stretches out with such love for you that everything around you at a given moment becomes native, and the very thought of having to go back anywhere at all falls away…

“I’m home…” – is the first thing that so lovingly begins to bother you. All roles change. And you begin to realize that there is no need to rush anywhere, no need to worry about anything. Time flows through your fingers like sand, not slowing down for a second… Only the wind, the desert wind, echoes the fleeting life and the thought that flies away, somewhere in the distance. Taking with it all the power with which you were filled. And the more obscure the power, the more attractive it is… In dreams I still dream of the enticing distance… I close my eyes and think of you, my longing, where childishly grown up reasons, the steppe wind blows not sparing my strength and me… And the thoughts continued to buzz quietly in my head, becoming more and more refined as they arose and flew away, somewhere in the distance… “What will I be like in twenty or thirty years, what awaits me, and will I remember these first attempts of mine not to go crazy…?”

– How beautiful everything is around me!” – I catch myself thinking. And I hear the scent of wormwood and the delicate fragrance of prayer that life whispers to me. And near a flower, now leaning, now straightening in the breeze, its petals rustling faintly…

– I don’t want to go anywhere, I want to stay…” – I close my eyes and drift into oblivion. But how sad to think that it’s all the same to be somewhere, to be sad afterwards, how glorious it was…

…And I already knew, maybe for the last time, so quiet and peaceful at home, listening to every rustle, enjoying every singing flower, rejoicing in this warmth that overflows me, but tears, for some reason treacherous and to this day. Serenity in everything and the joy of being puts its stamp. It remains only to subscribe to the magic of goodness, which has no limit, it is alive with prayer in the soul of each of us. And once again our time, like the sand that flows through our fingers, whirls in the whirlpool of the years. It won’t slow down and it won’t lag behind. Time will run forward, and we will follow, for we remember too often… It is a deliciously charming, beautiful time.

PAGE FROM THE PAST

On the threshold of the forties, one realizes that the past cannot be changed, like in a soap opera where everything is assumed and the end is included. Fate speaks, tries to justify its actions, and is not entirely wise. I think that’s the last thing that needs to be said out loud. It is natural to want to believe in the good things in life. Just as transgressions are also punishable, and not because of made-up rules. Humanity is not hard to lose, but it is hard to regain. It is easier to walk away than to forgive, and the paradox is that all our lives we resent those who have betrayed us and do not consider our own self-interest. It’s easier to make a decision after certain circumstances, justifying a sudden desire to start over in the hope of unlimited happiness. So much for fate, or maybe it’s just a lousy test, a certain stage depending on the characteristics of our selves. How primitive everything is except the soul, which suffers and tortures in earnest. Why? No one will answer. I stared at him as if I was watching what was happening, but I did nothing. My soul was wounded by mistrust, the main thing is to find the strength not to go back. It is hard to look into his eyes, knowing that there will be excuses for his selfishness. Sometimes helplessness in this or that situation gives pleasure to someone, that is human nature. And now, years later, as I found peace within myself, walking the streets of my city, I felt like an alien in a godforsaken place. Everything seemed strange, unfamiliar, some people were scurrying around, wanting something. There is no place for regrets or resentment, only good memories, but not all at once. Time is the best doctor, you say to yourself in the beginning, and at the end of the way you get out of the piggy bank all that has accumulated.

…Freedom to choose, incredibly difficult, but the choice is made and suddenly. I realize now that the sheer darkness and suicide in the face of his already quite satisfied selfishness was not for me. Would he have been so thoughtful and compassionate to me if he had the choice? I think not, and I was not wrong. All our actions, both good and bad, have their resonance in nature. By nature, we mean people close to us as well as the occasional passerby. Time is the best doctor…

SWEET NAIVE CHILD

I did not notice my life through my sweet dreams that covered my heart. The days lay in a legend that I cherished in my heart. I saw no falsehood in my life.

– “Where have you been, naive woman?” – I asked myself. And in my imaginary joy I didn’t notice that I was already living without him… Just today I shouted to myself, “There will be no more bad man in my life!” And my dying heart was covered with a blanket of indifference. Like any other dream, but not mine. How sad and painful to wake up. – “So where were you, wandering woman?” – I asked myself again. – “Ah, I looked at myself in the mirror. And I recognized you, my sweet – naive child,” – I answered myself.

I AM ONE OF MANY WOMEN

– What is the vice? Is it impatience to live to the point of exhaustion, turning into a nervous lump?

– All from the beginning! But is it not nonsense? And who is there to shout?

I am the listener. I turn over my rosary as if to wear myself out. I remember sweet moments just to justify myself or to continue tomorrow. The cup is full, or maybe it is filled to the brim. It does not matter. There’s more good in a fool’s smile than in the one that gnaws at me from the inside and makes me hate you more and more!

– So what is the vice? In not wanting to see? Or perhaps in not wanting to love you?

Ah, forget all those love songs! In them the purity of words and sweet drops. Long ago no longer for us to ring, turning into a distant, kindly chime, without any hint of the poisonousness of your words that cut the ear and the memory. And there’s no more room in it for the feeble attempts of the bruised to self-love, of the offended, weak man. So I ask myself.

– What is the vice? Yes, that I don’t feel myself with you!

That’s the first thing I cried out. Life has flowed like a river, never letting me look back. Sad and a little sorry, but not to go back and start again. Yes, God is with me. I will remember the kind words of my children. In them my fresh water. And days of ringing songs! And all the rest is probably complete nonsense.

– “Yes, just love yourself!” – and that’s the last thing I whisper to myself…

…I love the earth very much! And everything around me. It’s so wonderful. I will always remember my Christmas tree outside my window. And my forest near my house. I’ll remember my steppe from my childhood. And also the chirping of the sparrows now in the morning. And that makes me feel so good.