The Vicissitudes of Evangeline

He speaks to me when he can, and asks me to go for walks round the golf course. The four girls play for an hour and three-quarters every morning. They never seem to enjoy anything – the whole of life is a solid duty. I am sitting up in my room, and Véronique has had the sense to have my fire lighted early. I suppose Mr. Carruthers won’t come until about four, an hour more to be got through. I have said I must write letters, and so have escaped from them, and not had to go for the usual drive.

I suppose he will have the sense to ask for me, even if Lady Katherine is not back when he comes.

This morning it was so fine and frosty a kind of devil seemed to creep into me. I have been so good since Saturday, so when Malcolm said, in his usual prim, priggish voice, “Miss Travers, may I have the pleasure of taking you for a little exercise,” I jumped up without consulting Lady Katherine, and went and put my things on, and we started.

I had a feeling that they were all thinking I was doing something wrong, and so, of course, it made me worse. I said every kind of simple thing I could to Malcolm to make him jump, and looked at him now and then from under my eyelashes. So when we got to a stile, he did want to help me! and his eyes were quite wobblish! He has a giggle right up in the treble, and it comes out at such unexpected moments, when there is nothing to laugh at. I suppose it is being Scotch, he has just caught the meaning of some former joke. There would never be any use in saying things to him like to Lord Robert and Mr. Carruthers, because one would have left the place before he understood, if even then.

There was an old Sir Thomas Farquharson who came to Branches, and he grasped the deepest jokes of Mrs. Carruthers, so deep that even I did not understand them, and he was Scotch. It may be they are like that only when they have red hair.

When I was seated on top of a stile, Malcolm suddenly announced, “I hear you are going to London when you go. I hope you will let me come and see you, but I wish you lived here always.”

“I don’t,” I said, and then I remembered that sounded rather rude, and they had been kind to me. “At least – you know, I think the country is dull – don’t you – for always?”

“Yes,” he replied, primly, “for men, but it is where I should always wish to see the woman I respected.”

“Are towns so wicked?” I asked, in my little angel voice. “Tell me of their pitfalls, so that I may avoid them.”

“You must not believe everything people say to you, to begin with,” he said, seriously. “For one so young as you, I am afraid you will find your path beset with temptations.”

“Oh! do tell me what!” I implored. “I have always wanted to know what temptations were. Please tell me. If you come to see me – would you be a temptation, or is temptation a thing, and not a person?” I looked at him so beseechingly, he never for a second saw the twinkle in my eye!

He coughed pompously. “I expect I should be,” he said, modestly. “Temptations are – er – er – Oh! I say, you know, I say – I don’t know what to say – ”

“Oh, what a pity!” I said, regretfully. “I was hoping to hear all about it from you – specially if you are one yourself, you must know – ”

He looked gratified, but still confused.

“You see when you are quite alone in London, some man may make love to you.”

“Oh! do you think so really?” I asked, aghast. “That, I suppose would be frightful, if I were by myself in the room! Would it be all right, do you think, if I left the sitting-room door open, and kept Véronique on the other side?”

He looked at me hard, but he only saw the face of an unprotected angel, and, becoming reassured, he said gravely,

“Yes, it might be just as well!”

“You do surprise me about love,” I said. “I had no idea it was a violent kind of thing like that. I thought it began with grave reverence and respect – and after years of offering flowers and humble compliments, and bread and butter at tea-parties, the gentleman went down upon one knee and made a declaration – ‘Clara, Maria, I adore you, be mine,’ and then one put out a lily-white hand, and, blushing, told him to rise – but that can’t be your sort, and you have not yet explained what temptation means?”

“It means more or less wanting to do what you ought not to.”

“Oh, then!” I said, “I am having temptation all the time, aren’t you? For instance, I want to tear up Jean’s altar-cloths, and rip Kirstie’s ties, and tool bad words on Jessie’s bindings, and burn Maggie’s wood boxes!”

He looked horribly shocked – and hurt – so I added at once —

“Of course it must be lovely to be able to do these things, they are perfect girls, and so clever – only it makes me feel like that because I suppose I am – different.”

He looked at me critically. “Yes, you are different, I wish you would try to be more like my sisters – then I should not feel so nervous about your going to London.

“It is too good of you to worry,” I said, demurely; “but I don’t think you need, you know! I have rather a strong suspicion I am acquainted with the way to take care of myself!” and I bent down and laughed right in his face, and jumped off the stile on to the other side.

He did look such a teeny shrimp climbing after me! but it does not matter what is their size, the vanity of men is just the same. I am sure he thought he had only to begin making love to me himself, and I would drop like a ripe peach into his mouth.

I teased him all the way back, until when we got into lunch he did not know whether he was on his head or his heels! Just as we came up to the door, he said:

“I thought your name was Evangeline – why did you say it was Clara Maria?”

“Because – it is not!!” I laughed over my shoulder, and ran into the house.

He stood on the steps, and if he had been one of the stable boys he would have scratched his head.

Now I must stop and dress. I shall put on a black tea frock I have. Mr. Carruthers shall see I have not caught frumpdom from my hosts!

Night.

I do think men are the most horrid creatures, you can’t believe what they say, or rely upon them for five minutes! Mrs. Carruthers was right, she said, “Evangeline, remember, it is quite difficult enough to trust oneself, without trusting a man.”

Such an afternoon I have had! That annoying feeling of waiting for something all the time, and nothing happening. For Mr. Carruthers did not turn up after all! How I wish I had not dressed and expected him.

He is probably saying to himself he is well out of the business – now I have gone. I don’t suppose he meant a word of his protestations to me. Well, he need not worry! I had no intention of jumping down his throat – only I would have been glad to see him because he is human, and not like any one here.

Of course Lord Robert will be the same, and I shall probably never see either of them again. How can Lord Robert get here, when he does not know Lady Katherine. No, it was just said to say something nice when I was leaving, and he will be as horrid as Mr. Carruthers.

I am thankful at least that I did not tell Lady Katherine, I should have felt such a goose. Oh! I do wonder what I shall do next. I don’t know at all how much things cost – perhaps three hundred a year is very poor. I am sure my best frocks always were five or six hundred francs each, and I daresay hotels run away with money. But, for the moment, I am rich, as Mr. Barton kindly advanced some of my legacy to me, and oh! I am going to see life! and it is absurd to be sad! I shall go to bed, and forget how cross I feel!

They are going to have a shoot here next week – Pheasants. I wonder if they will have a lot of old men. I have not heard all who are coming.

Lady Katherine said to me after dinner this evening that she was sorry as she was afraid it would be most awkward for me their having a party, on account of my deep mourning, and I, if I felt it dreadfully, I need not consider they would find me the least rude if I preferred to have dinner in my room!

I don’t want to have dinner in my room! Think of the stuffiness of it! and perhaps hearing laughter going on downstairs.

I can always amuse myself watching faces, however dull they are. I thanked her, and said it would not be at all necessary, as I must get accustomed to seeing people, I could not count upon always meeting hostesses with such kind thoughts as hers, and I might as well get used to it.

She said yes, but not cordially.

To-morrow Mrs. Mackintosh, the eldest daughter, is arriving with her four children. I remember her wedding five years ago. I have never seen her since.

She was very tall and thin, and stooped dreadfully, and Mrs. Carruthers said Providence had been very kind in giving her a husband at all. But when Mr. Mackintosh trotted down the aisle with her, I did not think so!

A wee sandy fellow about up to her shoulder!

Oh, I would hate to be tied to that! I think to be tied to anything could not be very nice. I wonder how I ever thought of marrying Mr. Carruthers off hand!

I feel now I shall never marry – for years. Of course, one can’t be an old maid! But for a long time I mean to see life first.

Tryland,Thursday, Nov. 10th.“Branches, Wednesday.

“Dear Miss Travers, – I regret exceedingly I was unable to come over to Tryland to-day, but hope to do so before you leave. I trust you are well, and did not catch cold on the drive.

“Yours very truly,“Christopher Carruthers.”

This is what I get this morning! Pig!

Well, I sha’n’t be in if he does come – I can just see him pulling himself together once temptation (it makes me think of Malcolm!), is out of his way; he no doubt feels he has had an escape, as I am nobody very grand.

The letters come early here, as everywhere, but in a bag which only Mr. Montgomerie can open, and one has to wait until everyone is seated at breakfast before he produces the key, and deals them all out.

Mr. Carruthers’ was the only one for me, and it had “Branches” on the envelope, which attracted Mr. Montgomerie’s attention, and he began to “Bur-r-r-r,” and hardly gave me time to read it before he commenced to ask questions à propos of the place, to get me to say what the letter was about. He is a curious man.

“Carruthers is a capital fellow, they tell me – er – You had better ask him over quietly, Katherine, if he is all alone at Branches” – this with one eye on me in a questioning way.

I remained silent.

“Perhaps he is off to London, though?”

I pretended to be busy with my coffee.

“Best pheasant shoot in the county, and a close borough under the old régime; hope he will be more neighbourly – er – suppose he must shoot ’em before December?”

I buttered my toast.

Then the “Bur-r-r-rs” began!! I wonder he does not have a noise that ends with d – n simply, it would save him time!

“Couldn’t help seeing your letter was from Branches. Hope Carruthers gives you some news?”

As he addressed me deliberately I was obliged to answer:

“I have no information. It is only a business letter,” and I ate toast again.

He “bur-r-r-r-d” more than ever, and opened some of his own correspondence.

“What am I to do, Katherine?” he said, presently; “that confounded fellow Campion has thrown me over for next week, and he is my best gun: at short notice like this, it’s impossible to replace him with the same class of shot.”

“Yes, dear,” said Lady Katherine, in that kind of voice that has not heard the question – she was deep in her own letters.

“Katherine!” roared Mr. Montgomerie. “Will you listen when I speak – Bur-r-r-r!” and he thumped his fist on the table.

Poor Lady Katherine almost jumped, and the china rattled.

“Forgive me, Anderson,” she said, humbly, “you were saying?”

“Campion has thrown me over,” glared Mr. Montgomerie.

“Then I have perhaps the very thing for you,” Lady Katherine said, in a relieved way, returning to her letters. “Sophia Merrenden writes this morning, and among other things tells me of her nephew, Lord Robert Vavasour – you know, Torquilstone’s half-brother. She says he is the most charming young man, and a wonderful shot – she even suggests” (looking back a page), “that he might be useful to us, if we are short of a gun.”

“Damned kind of her,” growled Mr. Montgomerie.

I hope they did not notice, but I had suddenly such a thrill of pleasure that I am sure my cheeks got red. I felt frightfully excited to hear what was going to happen.

“Merrenden, as you know, is the best judge of shooting in England,” Lady Katherine went on, in an injured voice. “Sophia is hardly likely to recommend his nephew so highly if he were not pretty good.”

“But you don’t know the puppy, Katherine.”

My heart fell.

“That is not the least consequence – we are almost related. Merrenden is my first cousin, you forget that, I suppose!”

Fortunately I could detect that Lady Katherine was becoming obstinate and offended. I drank some more coffee. Oh! how lovely if Lord Robert comes!

Mr. Montgomerie “Bur-r-r-ed” a lot first, but Lady Katherine got him round, and before breakfast was over, it was decided she should write to Lord Robert, and ask him to come to the shoot. As we were all standing looking out of the window at the dripping rain, I heard her say in a low voice,

“Really, Anderson, we must think of the girls sometimes. Torquilstone is a confirmed bachelor and a cripple – Lord Robert will certainly one day be Duke.”

“Well, catch him if you can,” said Mr. Montgomerie. He is coarse sometimes!

I am not going to let myself think much about Lord Robert – Mr. Carruthers has been a lesson to me – but if he does come – I wonder if Lady Katherine will think it funny of me not saying I knew him when she first spoke of him. It is too late now, so it can’t be helped.

The Mackintosh party arrived this afternoon. Marriage must have quite different effects on some people. Numbers of the married women we saw in London were lovely, prettier, I always heard, than they had been before – but Mary Mackintosh is perfectly awful. She can’t be more than twenty-seven, but she looks forty, at least; and stout, and sticking out all in the wrong places, and flat where the stick-outs ought to be. And the four children! The two eldest look much the same age, the next a little smaller, and there is a baby, and they all squall, and although they seem to have heaps of nurses, poor Mr. Mackintosh has to be a kind of under one. He fetches and carries for them, and gives his handkerchief when they slobber – but perhaps it is he feels proud that a person of his size had these four enormous babies almost all at once like that.

The whole thing is simply dreadful.

Tea was a pandemonium! The four aunts gushing over the infants, and feeding them with cake, and gurgling with “Tootsie-wootsie-popsy-wopsy” kind of noises. They will get to do “Bur-r-r-rs” I am sure, when they grow older. I wonder if the infants will come down every afternoon when the shoot happens. The guests will enjoy it!

I said to Jean as we came upstairs that I thought it seemed terrible to get married – did not she? But she was shocked, and said no, marriage and motherhood were sacred duties, and she envied her sister!

This kind of thing is not my idea of bliss. Two really well-behaved children would be delicious, I think; but four squalling imps all about the same age is bourgeois, and not the affair of a lady.

I suppose Lord Robert’s answer cannot get here till about Saturday. I wonder how he arranged it! It is clever of him. Lady Katherine said this Mr. Campion who was coming is in the same regiment, the 3rd Life Guards. Perhaps when – but there is no use my thinking about it – only somehow I am feeling so much better to-night – gay, and as if I did not mind being very poor – that I was obliged to tease Malcolm a little after dinner. I would play Patience, and never lifted my eyes from the cards!

He kept trying to say things to me to get me to go to the piano, but I pretended I did not notice. A palm stands at the corner of a high Chippendale writing bureau, and Jessie happened to have put the Patience table behind that rather, so the rest of them could not see everything that was happening. Malcolm at last sat very near beside me, and wanted to help with the aces – but I can’t bear people being close to me, so I upset the board, and he had to pick up all the cards on the floor. Kirstie, for a wonder, played the piano then – a cake walk – and there was something in it that made me feel I wanted to move – to dance – to undulate – I don’t know what, and my shoulders swayed a little in time to the music. Malcolm breathed quite as if he had a cold, and said right in my ear, in a fat voice,

“You know you are a devil – and I – ”

I stopped him at once – looked up for the first time, absolutely shocked and surprised.

“Really, Mr. Montgomerie, I do not know what you mean,” I said.

He began to fidget.

“Er – I mean – I mean – I awfully wish to kiss you.”

“But I do not a bit wish to kiss you!” I said, and I opened my eyes wide at him.

He looked like a spiteful bantam, and fortunately at that moment Jessie returned to the Patience, and he could not say any more.

Lady Katherine and Mrs. Mackintosh came into my room on the way up to bed. She – Lady Katherine – wanted to show Mary how beautifully they had had it done up, it used to be hers before she married. They looked all round at the dead-daffodil-coloured cretonne and things, and at last I could see their eyes often straying to my night-gown and dressing-gown, laid out on a chair beside the fire.

“Oh, Lady Katherine, I am afraid you are wondering at my having pink silk,” I said, apologetically, “as I am in mourning, but I have not had time to get a white dressing-gown yet.”

“It is not that, dear,” said Lady Katherine, in a grave duty voice. “I – I – do not think such a night-gown is suitable for a girl.”

“Oh! but I am very strong,” I said. “I never catch cold.”

Mary Mackintosh held it up, with a face of stern disapproval. Of course it has short sleeves ruffled with Valenciennes, and is fine linen cambric nicely embroidered. Mrs. Carruthers was always very particular about them, and chose them herself at Doucet’s. She said one never could know when places might catch on fire.

“Evangeline, dear, you are very young, so you probably cannot understand,” Mary said, “but I consider this garment not in any way fit for a girl – or for any good woman for that matter. Mother, I hope my sisters have not seen it!!”

I looked so puzzled.

She examined the stuff, one could see the chair through it, beyond.

“What would Alexander say if I were to wear such a thing!”

This thought seemed almost to suffocate them both, they looked genuinely pained and shocked.

“Of course it would be too tight for you,” I said, humbly, “but it is otherwise a very good pattern, and does not tear when one puts up one’s arms. Mrs. Carruthers made a fuss at Doucet’s because my last set tore so soon, and they altered these.”

At the mention of my late adopted mother, both of them pulled themselves up.

“Mrs. Carruthers we know had very odd notions,” Lady Katherine said stiffly, “but I hope, Evangeline, you have sufficient sense to understand now for yourself that such a – a – garment is not at all seemly.”

“Oh! why not, dear Lady Katherine?” I said. “You don’t know how becoming it is.”

“Becoming!” almost screamed Mary Mackintosh. “But no nice-minded woman wants things to look becoming in bed!”

The whole matter appeared so painful to them I covered up the offending ‘nighty’ with my dressing-gown, and coughed. It made a break, and they went away, saying good-night frigidly.

And now I am alone. But I do wonder why it is wrong to look pretty in bed, – considering nobody sees one, too!

Tryland Court,Monday, November 14th.

I have not felt like writing; these last days have been so stodgy, – sticky I was going to say! Endless infant talk! The methods of head nurses, teething, the knavish tricks of nursemaids, patent foods, bottles, bibs – everything! Enough to put one off for ever from wishing to get married! And Mary Mackintosh sitting there all out of shape, expounding theories that can have no results in practice, as there could not be worse behaved children than hers!

They even try Lady Katherine, I can see, when the two eldest, who come in while we are at breakfast each day, take the jam spoon, or something equally horrid, and dab it all over the cloth. Yesterday they put their hands in the honey dish which Mr. Montgomerie was helping himself to, and then after smearing him (the “Bur-r-r-s” were awful) they went round the table to escape being caught, and fingered the back of every one’s chair, and the door handle, so that one could not touch a thing without getting sticky.

“Alexander, dearie,” Mary said, “Alec must have his mouth wiped.”

Poor Mr. Mackintosh had to get up and leave his breakfast, catch these imps, and employ his table-napkin in vain.

“Take ’em upstairs, do, Bur-r-r-r,” roared their fond grandfather.

“Oh, father, the poor darlings are not really naughty!” Mary said, offended. “I like them to be with us all as much as possible. I thought they would be such a pleasure to you.”

Upon which, hearing the altercation, both infants set up a yell of fear and rage, and Alec, the cherub of four and a half, lay on the floor and kicked and screamed until he was black in the face.

Mr. Mackintosh is too small to manage two, so one of the footmen had to come and help him to carry them up to their nursery! Oh, I would not be in his place for the world!

Malcolm is becoming so funny! I suppose he is attracted by me. He makes kind of love in a priggish way whenever he gets the chance, which is not often, as Lady Katherine contrives to send one of the girls with us on all our walks, or if we are in the drawing-room she comes and sits down beside us herself. I am glad, as it would be a great bore to listen to a quantity of it.

How silly of her, though! She can’t know as much about men as even I do – of course it only makes him all the more eager.

It is quite an object lesson for me. I shall be impossibly difficult myself if I meet Mr. Carruthers again, as he has no mother to play these tricks for him.

Lord Robert’s answer came on Saturday afternoon. It was all done through Lady Merrenden.

He will be delighted to come and shoot on Tuesday – to-morrow. Oh! I am so glad – but I do wonder if I shall be able to make him understand not to say anything about having been at Branches while I was there. Such a simple thing, but Lady Katherine is so odd and particular.

The party is to be a large one, nine guns – I hope some will be amusing, though I rather fear!

Tuesday night

It is quite late, nearly twelve o’clock, but I feel so wide awake I must write.

I shall begin from the beginning, when every one arrived.

They came by two trains early in the afternoon, and just at tea time, and Lord Robert was among the last lot.

They are mostly the same sort as Lady Katherine, looking as good as gold; but one woman, Lady Verningham, Lady Katherine’s niece, is different, and I liked her at once.

She has lovely clothes, and an exquisite figure, and her hat on the right way. She has charming manners too, but one can see she is on a duty visit.

Even all this company did not altogether stop Mary Mackintosh laying down the law upon domestic – infant domestic – affairs. We all sat in the big drawing-room, and I caught Lady Verningham’s eye, and we laughed together! The first eye with a meaning in it I have seen since I left Branches.

Everybody talked so agreeably, with pauses, not enjoying themselves at all, when Jean and Kirstie began about their work, and explained it, and tried to get orders, and Jessie and Maggie too, and specimens of it all had to be shown, and prices fixed. I should hate to have to beg, even for a charity.

I felt quite uncomfortable for them, but they did not mind a bit, and their victims were noble over it.

Our parson at Branches always got so red and nervous when he had to ask for anything; one could see he was quite a gentleman – but women are different, I suppose.

I longed for tea!

While they are all very kind here, there is that asphyxiating atmosphere of stiffness and decorum which affects every one who comes to Tryland. A sort of “The gold must be tried by fire, and the heart must be wrung by pain” kind of suggestion about everything.