Philochristus

I could endure his words no longer, but ran past him as one mad. But, when I was now rid of his presence, passing back into the city by the western gate, my mind ran on all such things as I had done with Jesus on the day before, and my feet turned of themselves toward the house where we had kept the Passover together. Thence, but still as one in a dream, scarce knowing what I did, I bent my way towards the gate of the valley of Kidron. Here I was musing how, but yesterday, in this very place, I had walked by the side of Jesus, even at his right hand, and how the touch of his arm had held me up in my stumbling; when behold, I started back as if I had seen a spirit. For the voice of one close to me in the twilight whispered with an hissing sound, “He is not dead.” I looked, and behold, Judas stood before me. His face was pale and his eyes glared, and passion so wrought his features that they moved and quivered, as if against his will, like unto the features of one possessed by Satan. When I drew back from him, at first he would have stayed me; but seeing that I loathed him, he also drew back and said, “Nay, be not afraid, I cannot betray another. But he is not dead. Hast thou not seen him?” I marvelled at him, but said nothing, only shaking my head. Then Judas replied, “Think not that I have slain him; he liveth: he hunteth me to death; these three times have I seen him. I have not slain him. Why then doth he yet hunt me? But thou, thou didst love him, be thou at peace with me.” Saying these words, he came forward again to have taken me by the hand; but I could not. Then he turned away and laughed such a laugh as I pray God I may never hear again. But as he departed, he cried aloud, “Thou rememberest his words, ‘It were better for him that he had never been born’: verily he was a prophet.” Then he laughed again, even such another laugh as before; and he cursed the God that had made him. With that he went his way, and I saw him no more.

For a while I stood where I was, as if in a trance, almost expecting that the words of Judas should prove true, and that Jesus should come forth to me out of the air around me. Then I passed through the gate of Kidron; and, crossing the brook, I began to go out by the way which leadeth to Bethany. But ever as I went up the mountain, I pondered over the words of Judas, “He is not dead, I have seen him:” for I could not forget them, nor put them away from my mind. And behold, whithersoever I looked in the twilight, all things bore witness unto Jesus and seemed to say the same words, “We have seen him. He is not dead.” For if I looked back at the city gates, then I remembered how Jesus had lately passed through them in triumph; and if I looked on the road before me, then every tree and rock seemed to testify that Jesus had but now been there again and again, in his passing between Bethany and the city; and at one place he had spoken a certain parable: at another, he had sat down and rested; or at a third, we had asked him certain questions and he had answered them. Thus the whole of the mountain and all things thereon seemed to cry aloud with one consent, “He is not dead”; but my heart cried back again, “Nay, but he is dead indeed.”

When at last I came in my wanderings nigh to the top of the mount, even to the stone whereon Jesus had sat down in the midst of the disciples and had prophesied of his coming, then could I no longer refrain myself; but I threw myself on the ground in a passion of tears and sobbings, beating my breast and rending my garments. And when I desired to cry unto the Lord in my agony, behold, the words of Jesus on the cross came into my mouth; and if I tried to fashion some other prayer, no other words would come to me, but I could do naught but repeat them over and over again, crying unto the Lord and saying, “Why hast Thou forsaken him? Why hast Thou forsaken him?” So speaking, I scarce refrained from doing even as Judas had done, so as to curse the day wherein I was born; and I became again as one distraught. But after a time (but how long a time I know not) a darkness came down upon mine eyes, and all things swam around me, and I fell to the ground as one without life.

When I came to myself, behold, I lay upon my back and looked upward, and the moon was shining high in the heavens above me. So I thought how the same moon had shone down with the same brightness yesternight upon my Master in Gethsemane. “And now where is he?” I ceased from that thought, and went back in my mind to thoughts of the past. Then I remembered what a splendour, even such as I now saw, had shone upon our Master’s face when he came down from Mount Hermon, and when he came up from Jericho to Bethany, and also when of late he gave us the bread and wine at our last supper together. Also there came into my mind the words that he had spoken, when this brightness had been upon his countenance: how he had then prophesied, and more than once, that he should be slain; but we had never believed him. Yet his words had come to pass. Then I asked within myself how it was that Jesus had foreseen his own death and prophesied it so oft, yet had never been dismayed nor even disturbed by the thought thereof; and I remembered that whensoever he had spoken of his death, he had spoken also of a certain rising again, or coming: and I said aloud, “If Jesus prophesied his death truly, why might he not also prophesy truly concerning his coming again?”

But against this hope there set themselves those last words which had come from the mouth of Jesus on the cross, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” Now these words are the first words, and as it were the prelude, of one of our psalms. So I began to repeat to myself the words of the psalm; which beginneth with sadness, yea even from the depths of sorrow, but these words follow afterwards: “I will declare thy name unto my brethren: in the midst of the congregation will I praise thee. For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him, but when he cried unto him he heard.” So I wondered whether Jesus, in speaking those last words, had in his mind all the words of the psalm, and “Perchance,” I said, “in saying the first words, he signified (in his sore weakness when the breath was departing from him) that he desired to say the whole; for the first words are but as a title to the whole. Wherefore, perchance, beneath the sense of the forsaking, there was a deeper sense that God did not despise the affliction of the afflicted.” Then I mused again concerning the words of the Psalm, and especially on these, “When he cried unto him, he heard.” And I looked up to the moon and the stars in heaven, which are the work of the hand of God, and I asked whether it was possible that the Maker of so beautiful an order in heaven should suffer disorder to prevail upon the earth; and my heart said that it could not prevail for ever. “Therefore,” said I, “God must needs have heard Jesus of Nazareth when he cried unto Him. Yea, though He seemed not to hear, yet must He have heard indeed. Yea, even though Jesus be dead, yea, even though Jesus be not the Messiah, yet surely the Lord must have heard Jesus; for not to have heard him, would have been not to be God.”

Then rose I up and stood and stretched out my hands in prayer unto the Lord with whom all things are possible, that He would shew forth His mercy upon me; and behold, when I tried to pray, my lips would shape forth no other prayer, but that He would bring back Jesus unto us, even though it were for a moment of time, that we might look upon him and know that he still lived. And at one moment I rebuked myself because the thing seemed impossible; but the next moment that prayer rose up again, and no other. But when I had prayed, I lay down again, for I was very weary; and because I was now more at peace within myself, there came upon me a sweet sleep.

In my sleep I dreamed; and the Lord sent unto me a vision of the night, whereof the former part was like unto the vision which I had had the night before, but the latter part was different. For again, methought, I saw Jesus standing on the top of a mountain in great glory; and albeit his face was like the face of him that hath passed through much tribulation, yet did the glory prevail over the sorrow, and he rejoiced as one triumphing over Satan and Death. As I looked, methought Jesus was lifted up in a chariot from the mountain towards the clouds, and angels accompanied him as he rode upward; and a sound of solemn music came down from above to greet him. The heavens opened, yea, even to the seventh heaven, and there appeared the likeness of a throne on the right hand of the Majesty on high; and ten thousands of thousands of saints were about the throne, with palms in their hands, singing hosannas unto the Son of David. But even as the chariot rose higher and higher, the music waxed louder and fuller; till at the last, when the chariot was now nigh unto the throne, behold all the harps in heaven rang out hosannas with such a peal of praise as made me start out of my vision; and I awoke, and it was a dream.

CHAPTER XXX

When I awoke, it was now hard upon the third hour of the day, and the sun from behind Mount Olivet was shining brightly down upon the city. All things below were full of beauty and glory, nor would a stranger have known that the stain of innocent blood was upon the place; so fair shone all the city rejoicing in the Sabbath sun. When I looked thereon, the memory of my dream vanished, even as the mists which I saw rolling upward from the side of the mountain and vanishing into the pure air. My misery returned upon me again; and I felt once more alone and without God in the world. But I resolved to go up straightway to Bethany, if perchance I might there find the apostles in the house of Mary and Martha. When I was come thither, I found them all, save Judas; and I entered in and sat with them in silence; and for a long time we neither prayed nor spake together, nor so much as lamented aloud; but there we sat speechless and comfortless; for the hand of the Lord was heavy upon us.

At the last spake certain of the women, saying that they had brought spices, such as are used in the embalming of bodies, and that they purposed to go early on the morrow for to embalm the body of Jesus. Then I asked where he was buried; and they told me, “in a garden of Joseph of Arimathea, nigh unto the place of crucifixion.” After that, I asked whether any had stood near, and in view of the cross while he was suffering; for I had been thrust away by the crowd. Then John the son of Zebedee answered and said that he had been nigh, and that Jesus had borne all the anguish with a marvellous constancy. He told me also of certain other words which Jesus had spoken while he was on the cross, and that a soldier, after his death, had wounded his side with a spear; but when I asked him whether he had heard Jesus speak also those words which I had myself heard, namely that God had forsaken him, then John said nothing, but only moved his head as if to say that it was so; and the rest also were silent, for we feared to think on those words.

After we had all thus sat silent for a while, one of the women began to speak again and to say that all things had happened according to the words of Jesus; for he had said that he should be slain; and he had blessed Mary, in that she had anointed his body for the burial. Then another of the women began to bring to our mind how Jesus had long ago prophesied that the time should come when we should desire to see one of the days of the Son of man, and should not find it. And another spake how, at another time, when we were in the country round about Hermon, he had prophesied that he should be slain; therefore, said she, he was a true prophet. But Thomas made mention of the saying of Hosea, whereof Jesus had oftentimes been used to speak, “Come and let us return unto the Lord, for he hath torn and he will heal us; he hath smitten, and he will bind us up. After two days will he revive us; in the third day he will raise us up, and we shall live in his sight.” Then said Thomas, “A part of the sayings of Jesus hath indeed come to pass”; and he added no more. But all we that were in that chamber sitting together, knew what Thomas had in his mind to say (for it was in our minds also), namely, that the rest of the words of Jesus were not to be fulfilled. So again we sat silent; for indeed our souls were wholly given up to meditating on those words of Jesus, “after two days he will revive us”; and each knew that the others were meditating on the same; yet durst none of us say so much as a word, nor so much as confess to himself that the words could import anything now; for about that matter we feared even to hope.

But by degrees our tongues were loosed, and we began to speak more freely concerning the goodness of Jesus, how exceeding gentle he was at all times to the young and simple, and to the poor and oppressed; how full of peace and cheerfulness; how thoughtful for others, how forgetful of himself. Then we spake of his marvellous power in the forgiving of sins, and in the healing of diseases, and in the casting out of unclean spirits. And one said that with all these faculties he joined a marvellous grace of modesty and humility, so that no child could carry himself with less of pride or ostentation. “Yea,” said another, “and yet withal, though he were never so simple and humble, he ever spake of himself, none the less, as the haven and refuge for men, saying such words as these unto us, ‘Come unto me, and I will give you rest,’ and again, ‘Take my yoke upon you:’ moreover he bade us take his voice as our Law in the stead of the Law of Moses, saying, ‘It was said to them of old, do this, but I say unto you, do that.’ Therefore are we of all men most miserable in that, having received from God the very source of light and life, now we are deprived thereof.” Then Peter said, “Yea, verily we have none else to whom we can go, for Jesus alone hath the words of eternal life; and without him we have no life.” But said another, “If God be good, how could it be that He should have forsaken Jesus, so that he cried aloud, ‘My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?’ ” Then Nathanael spake and said (the very thought that was in my heart also) that perchance Jesus used those words, desiring briefly to pour forth all the trouble and all the trust of his heart; for, said he, “These words are as it were the title of the psalm, and the psalm beginneth with trouble, but it endeth with trust.” To this the rest agreed that it might be so; but we all felt within ourselves that this was small comfort: for we needed not only to think that it might be so, but to know that it was so.

Then one said that the Kingdom of God and the Redemption of Sion were now as far off as ever. But Mary of Magdala said with great vehemency, “that she mourned not for the Redemption of Sion, but because the breath of life was taken out of the world, for without Jesus there was no more truth nor righteousness. He trusted in God, would not God deliver him? Was he not the Son of the living God? If, therefore, the Father live, how can the Son be dead?” She added yet other words still more passionate, as if God were no God unless Jesus were restored to life. We chid her, and would have stayed her speech: for, though she did indeed express the very feelings of our hearts, yet were we afraid to see them put into plain words, and besides, we dreaded the pain of new hopes. For to hope that we should look again on Jesus, and afterwards to fail of that hope, had been to have had Jesus snatched from us a second time.

By this time the sun had set, and the women began to make ready the spices for the embalming. But I (because it had been reported to certain of the disciples that the chief priests purposed to set a guard round the tomb) determined to go down that I might see whether the tomb were beset with guards or no, and whether the women could have easy access to it. I easily found the place in the light of the moon, and it was even as the women had said; for the garden of Joseph lay not more than three stones’ cast from the place where Jesus had been crucified. So I stood for a while looking on the stone, which was at the mouth of the tomb, and no man else was in the garden. But while I stood near the tomb, very nigh unto the mouth thereof, I heard a sound on my right hand; and when I turned round, behold, a light; and the lights grew many as I looked, and I perceived that there were torches approaching. So I went back some distance, and still the torches came nearer; and the men were, as it seemed to me, servants of the chief priests, but I discerned also the face of Hezekiah the Scribe; and they all stood round the tomb, and I also stood and watched them from afar off, to see what they would do. But I could not remain; for they sent out watchers on all sides calling to one another in a circle, like unto men keeping sentinel, for to spy whether any one were near. Then I fled perforce and in haste; and though I fled straightway, yet could I not contrive but the watchers perceived me and chased after me and went near to take me. But I escaped out of their hands, and went up to Bethany to bear word unto the women. And when the women heard these things they were sore distressed. Howbeit they resolved that in any case they would go forth to the tomb very early on the morrow.

But before we lay down to rest that night, we spake again of Jesus, and concerning all that he had said and done; and we continued our discourse late into the night, and were loth to break off; for while we discoursed together of former times, we seemed to have Jesus again in the midst of us. But at the end, when we were now ceasing, the Spirit of the Lord fell upon Mary of Magdala, and she lifted up her voice and sang as the Lord moved her, and the words were even from the psalm whereof we had been but now speaking, while discoursing concerning the forsaking of Jesus by God. Now the song describeth the suffering of the Messiah. Therefore when she came in her singing to these words, “They pierced my hands and my feet; I may tell all my bones; they stand staring and looking upon me. They part my garments among them, and cast lots upon my vesture”: then we wept, remembering the sufferings of Jesus. But when she sang the next words, “But be not thou far from me, O Lord. Thou art my succour, haste thee to help me. Deliver my soul from the sword, my darling also from the power of the dog. Save me from the lion’s mouth: Thou hast heard me from among the horns of the unicorns. I will declare thy name unto my brethren; in the midst of the congregation will I praise thee. For he hath not despised, nor abhorred the low estate of the poor; he hath not hid his face from him; but when he called unto him he heard him”: then we wept no longer, but we marvelled while we looked on her, and while we hearkened to the words of her singing: for she sang as one taught of God, so that we durst not stay her; yet we thought in our hearts, “Notwithstanding when Jesus called unto Him, He heard him not.” And when we thought on this we besought her that she would cease.

Howbeit she ceased not, but began to sing yet another psalm, a part of the great Hallel; even the very words that Jesus himself had sung to us on the night before he suffered. And the other women joined with her, and they sang so that the sound thereof pierced to our very souls. Then could we endure it no longer, but covered our faces with our hands. But they continued singing, “I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the Lord. The Lord hath chastened and corrected me, but he hath not given me over unto death. Thou art my God, and I will thank thee; thou art my God, and I will praise thee.”

Now while they were singing, I had closed mine eyes; and lo, there rose up before me a vision of the upper room where we had supped together with Jesus on the night that he was betrayed: and I seemed to see the face of Jesus himself; yea, though I was not asleep nor in a trance, yet did I see Jesus himself sitting again as if at meat with us. Therefore was I loth to open mine eyes; for I feared that, when I opened them, I should no longer see what I saw. But when the women had made an end of singing, then opened I mine eyes, half expecting that it might prove no vision, and that Jesus would be sitting before me in the midst of us. But I saw nothing; nor were the women any longer with us, for they were gone forth into another chamber to finish their preparations for the embalming. For they desired to visit the sepulchre very early in the morning, and it was by this time the third watch of the night. About the space of an hour, I remained in the chamber with the rest: then I heard the footsteps of the women as they passed forth from the house. I tried to sleep, but could not; for ever in my mind was present the thought of Jesus in the tomb, waiting the approach of the women to embalm him. So my heart went forth with the women upon their errand, and I reckoned over the time and said ever and anon, “Now they are come down from the mountain; by this time they are nigh to Golgotha; now they are in the garden; now they are at the tomb.” Then I saw before mine eyes the women embracing the dead limbs of our Master. “And now,” said I, “the stone is rolled away and they have entered in: they weep, but he answereth not, neither heareth; his eyes move not nor make any answer to their eyes; they clasp his hands, but his hands clasp not theirs again.”

When I thought on these things I arose in sore extremity nigh unto despair, and went up to the house-top. Above the mountains of Moab, to the east, there was a faint token of dawn. I thought of the coming day, and I loathed it; for without Jesus the light seemed unto me as darkness. Moreover when I strove to pray, Satan tempted me very sorely, so that I could not pray: for I said, “Behold I am without Jesus: but God without Jesus is to me as no God.” Then fell I flat upon my face and wrestled with Satan in prayer, and I besought the Lord again and again that He would give Jesus back to us, yea, though it were but to look on him for one moment, that we might be assured that all was well with him. How long I prayed I know not, but it seemed to me many hours; and sometimes I stood in my praying and watched the dawn growing brighter; and even as the dawn grew, my fears and doubts grew with it; but at other times I lay prostrate and shut out the light. So at last the sky began to brighten towards sunrise; and still I was crying unto the Lord from the depths, according as it is written, “I wait for the Lord; my soul doth wait, and in his word do I hope. My soul waiteth for the Lord more than they that watch for the morning, more, I say, than they that watch for the morning.”

Now while I lay grovelling in the very deepest of the depths, beseeching the Lord to destroy me if I might not have peace, behold, a sound as of many feet below, without the house, and then a knocking, exceeding loud; and one asked from within, “Who is there?” And the answer came piercing the air, “He is risen! He is risen! Jesus is risen from the dead!” Now at first I thought that the voice was the voice of an angel; but when I considered, and heard how answer was made, and the door forthwith opened, and a sound as of feet entering, then straightway I knew that it was the voice of one of the women come back from the sepulchre. Immediately, therefore, going down, I found all the household stirring, and the women returned, and all the disciples gathered together, and standing round the women, questioning them, and listening to their words.

Then the women told us how they had gone down to Golgotha, even to the tomb; and when Mary of Magdala was now nigh, even at the mouth of the tomb (for she walked somewhat before the rest), behold, the great stone at the mouth of the tomb was rolled away. Then she called aloud for despair, and her companions hasted to her; but when they were now come to her, as she was even now adventuring to enter into the tomb, of a sudden Mary cried out again, saying, “Behold, an angel of the Lord!” And lo, there appeared to them (even to all the women and not to Mary only) an angel clothed in white; and they all heard a voice which said, “He is not here, but is risen.” And, said Mary Magdalene, the voice added that we were to return to Galilee, and there we should see him; but another of the women said that the voice seemed to her also to speak of Galilee, but she heard not those other words which Mary heard.12 Also some of the women had seen two angels, but others only one. But as concerning this at least, all the women were agreed, namely, that they had seen a vision of angels, and that they had heard a voice which cried out, “He is not here, he is risen.”