The Imaginary Invalid

Arg. Is there no danger in counterfeiting death?

Toi. No, no. What danger can there be? Only stretch yourself there. It will be so pleasant to put your brother to confusion. Here is my mistress. Mind you keep still.

SCENE XVIII. – BÉLINE, ARGAN (stretched out in his chair), TOINETTE

Toi. (pretending not to see Béline). Ah heavens! Ah! what a misfortune! What a strange accident!

Bel. What is the matter, Toinette?

Toi. Ah! Madam!

Bel. What ails you?

Toi. Your husband is dead.

Bel. My husband is dead?

Toi. Alas! yes; the poor soul is gone.

Bel. Are you quite certain?

Toi. Quite certain. Nobody knows of it yet. I was all alone here when it happened. He has just breathed his last in my arms. Here, just look at him, full-length in his chair.

Bel. Heaven be praised. I am delivered from a most grievous burden. How silly of you, Toinette, to be so afflicted at his death.

Toi. Ah! Ma'am, I thought I ought to cry.

Bel. Pooh! it is not worth the trouble. What loss is it to anybody, and what good did he do in this world? A wretch, unpleasant to everybody; of nauseous, dirty habits; always a clyster or a dose of physic in his body. Always snivelling, coughing, spitting; a stupid, tedious, ill-natured fellow, who was for ever fatiguing people and scolding night and day at his maids and servants.

Toi. An excellent funeral oration!

Bel. Toinette, you must help me to carry out my design; and you may depend upon it that I will make it worth your while if you serve me. Since, by good luck, nobody is aware of his death, let us put him into his bed, and keep the secret until I have done what I want. There are some papers and some money I must possess myself of. It is not right that I should have passed the best years of my life with him without any kind of advantage. Come along, Toinette, first of all, let us take all the keys.

Arg. (getting up hastily). Softly.

Bel. Ah!

Arg. So, my wife, it is thus you love me?

Toi. Ah! the dead man is not dead.

Arg. (to Béline, who goes away) I am very glad to see how you love me, and to have heard the noble panegyric you made upon me. This is a good warning, which will make me wise for the future, and prevent me from doing many things.

SCENE XIX. – BÉRALDE (coming out of the place where he was hiding), ARGAN, TOINETTE

Ber. Well, brother, you see…

Toi. Now, really, I could never have believed such a thing. But I hear your daughter coming, place yourself as you were just now, and let us see how she will receive the news. It is not a bad thing to try; and since you have begun, you will be able by this means to know the sentiments of your family towards you.

SCENE XX. – ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, TOINETTE

Toi. (pretending not to see Angélique). O heavens! what a sad accident! What an unhappy day!

Ang. What ails you, Toinette, and why do you cry?

Toi. Alas! I have such sad news for you.

Ang. What is it?

Toi. Your father is dead.

Ang. My father is dead, Toinette?

Toi. Yes, just look at him there; he died only a moment ago of a fainting fit that came over him.

Ang. O heavens! what a misfortune! What a cruel grief! Alas! why must I lose my father, the only being left me in the world? and why should I lose him, too, at a time when he was angry with me? What will become of me, unhappy girl that I am? What consolation can I find after so great a loss?

SCENE XXI. – ARGAN, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE, TOINETTE

Cle. What is the matter with you, dear Angélique, and what misfortune makes you weep?

Ang. Alas! I weep for what was most dear and most precious to me. I weep for the death of my father.

Cle. O heaven! what a misfortune! What an unforeseen stroke of fortune! Alas! after I had asked your uncle to ask you in marriage, I was coming to see him, in order to try by my respect and entreaties to incline his heart to grant you to my wishes.

Ang. Ah! Cléante, let us talk no more of this. Let us give up all hopes of marriage. Now my father is dead, I will have nothing to do with the world, and will renounce it for ever. Yes, my dear father, if I resisted your will, I will at least follow out one of your intentions, and will by that make amends for the sorrow I have caused you. (Kneeling.) Let me, father, make you this promise here, and kiss you as a proof of my repentance.

Arg. (kissing Angélique). Ah! my daughter!

Ang. Ah!

Arg. Come; do not be afraid. I am not dead. Ah! you are my true flesh and blood and my real daughter; I am delighted to have discovered your good heart.

SCENE XXII. – ARGAN, BÉRALDE, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE, TOINETTE

Ang. Ah! what a delightful surprise! Father, since heaven has given you back to our love, let me here throw myself at your feet to implore one favour of you. If you do not approve of what my heart feels, if you refuse to give me Cléante for a husband, I conjure you, at least, not to force me to marry another. It is all I have to ask of you.

Cle. (throwing himself at Argan's feet). Ah! Sir, allow your heart to be touched by her entreaties and by mine, and do not oppose our mutual love.

Ber. Brother, how can you resist all this?

Toi. Will you remain insensible before such affection?

Arg. Well, let him become a doctor, and I will consent to the marriage. (To Cléante) Yes, turn doctor, Sir, and I will give you my daughter.

Cle. Very willingly, Sir, if it is all that is required to become your son-in-law. I will turn doctor; apothecary also, if you like. It is not such a difficult thing after all, and I would do much more to obtain from you the fair Angélique.

Ber. But, brother, it just strikes me; why don't you turn doctor yourself? It would be much more convenient to have all you want within yourself.

Toi. Quite true. That is the very way to cure yourself. There is no disease bold enough to dare to attack the person of a doctor.

Arg. I imagine, brother, that you are laughing at me. Can I study at my age?

Ber. Study! What need is there? You are clever enough for that; there are a great many who are not a bit more clever than you are.

Arg. But one must be able to speak Latin well, and know the different diseases and the remedies they require.

Ber. When you put on the cap and gown of a doctor, all that will come of itself, and you will afterwards be much more clever than you care to be.

Arg. What! We understand how to discourse upon diseases when we have that dress?

Ber. Yes; you have only to hold forth; when you have a cap and gown, any stuff becomes learned, and all rubbish good sense.

Toi. Look you, Sir; a beard is something in itself; a beard is half the doctor.

Cle. Anyhow, I am ready for everything.

Ber. (to Argan). Shall we have the thing done immediately?

Arg. How, immediately?

Ber. Yes, in your house.

Arg. In my house?

Ber. Yes, I know a body of physicians, friends of mine, who will come presently, and will perform the ceremony in your hall. It will cost you nothing.

Arg. But what can I say, what can I answer?

Ber. You will be instructed in a few words, and they will give you in writing all you have to say. Go and dress yourself directly, and I will send for them.

Arg. Very well; let it be done.

SCENE XXIII. – BÉRALDE, ANGÉLIQUE, CLÉANTE

Cle. What is it yon intend to do, and what do you mean by this body of physicians?

Toi. What is it you are going to do?

Ber. To amuse ourselves a little to-night. The players have made a doctor's admission the subject of an interlude, with dances and music. I want everyone to enjoy it, and my brother to act the principal part in it.

Ang. But, uncle, it seems to me that you are making fun of my father.

Ber. But, niece, it is not making too much fun of him to fall in with his fancies. We may each of us take part in it ourselves, and thus perform the comedy for each other's amusement. Carnival time authorises it. Let us go quickly and get everything ready.

Cle. (to Angélique). Do you consent to it?

Ang. Yes; since my uncle takes the lead.

THIRD INTERLUDE. 6

Burlesque Ceremony representing the Admission of Mr. Geronte to the Degree of Doctor of MedicineFirst Entry of the BalletPRAESESSavantissimi doctores,Medicinae professores,Qui hic assemblati estis;Et vos, altri messiores,Sententiarum FacultatisFideles executores,Chirurgiani et apothicariAtque tota compagnia aussi,Salus, honor et argentum,Atque bonum appetitum.Non possum, docti confreri,En moi satis admirariQualis bona inventioEst medici professio;Quam bella chosa est et bene trovata.Medicina illa benedicta,Quae, suo nomine solo,Surprenanti miraculo,Depuis si longo tempore,Facit à gogo vivereTant de gens omni genere.Per totam terram videmusGrandam vogam ubi sumus;Et quod grandes et petitiSunt de nobis infatuti.Totus mundus, currens ad nostros remedios,Nos regardat sicut deos;Et nostris ordonnanciisPrincipes et reges soumissos videtis.Doncque il est nostrae sapientiae,Boni sensus atque prudentiae,De fortement travaillareA nos bene conservareIn tali credito, voga, et honore;Et prendere gardam a non recevereIn nostro docto corpore,Quam personas capabiles,Et totas dignas remplireHas plaças honorabiles.C'est pour cela que nunc convocati estis:Et credo quod trovabitisDignam matieram mediciIn savanti homine que voici;Lequel, in chosis omnibus,Dono ad interrogandum,Et à fond examinandumVostris capacitatibus.PRIMUS DOCTORSi mihi licentiam dat dominus praeses,Et tanti docti doctores,Et assistantes illustres,Très savanti bacheliero,Quem estimo et honoro,Domandabo causam et rationom quareOpium facit dormire.BACHELIERUSMihi a docto doctoreDomandatur causam et rationem quareOpium facit dormire.A quoi respondeo,Quia est in eoVertus dormitiva,Cujus eat naturaSensus assoupire.CHORUSBene, bene, bene, bene respondere.Dignus, dignus est intrareIn nostro docto corpore.Bene, bene respondere.SECUNDUS DOCTORProviso quod non displiceat,Domino praesidi, lequel n'est pas fat,Me benigne annuat,Cum totis doctoribus savantibus,Et assistantibus bienveillantibus,Dicat mihi un peu dominus praetendens,Raison a priori et evidensCur rhubarba et le sénéPer nos semper est ordonnéAd purgandum l'utramque bile?Si dicit hoc, erit valde habile.BACHELIERUSA docto doctore mihi, qui sum praetendens,Domandatur raison a priori et evidensCur rhubarba et le sénéPer nos semper est ordonnéAd purgandum l'utramque bile?Respondeo vobis,Quia est in illisVertus purgativa,Cujus est naturaIstas duas biles evacuare.CHORUSBene, bene, bone, bene respondere,Dignus, dignus est intrareIn nostro docto corpore.TERTIUS DOCTOREx responsis, il paraît jam sole clariusQuod lepidum iste caput bachelierusNon passavit suam vitam ludendo au trictrac,Nec in prenando du tabac;Sed explicit pourquoi furfur macrum et parvum lac,Cum phlebotomia et purgatione humorum,Appellantur a medisantibus idolae medicorum,Nec non pontus asinorum?Si premièrement grata sit domino praesidiNostra libertas quaestionandi,Pariter dominis doctribusAtque de tous ordres benignis auditoribus.BACHELIERUSQuaerit a me dominus doctorChrysologos, id est, qui dit d'or,Quare parvum lac et furfur macrum,Phlebotomia et purgatio humorumAppellantur a medisantibus idolae medicorum,Atque pontus asinorum.Respondeo quia:Ista ordonnando non requiritur magna scientia,Et ex illis quatuor rebusMedici faciunt ludovicos, pistolas, et des quarts d'écus.CHORUSBene, bene, bene, bene respondereDignus, dignus est intrareIn nostro docto corpore.QUARTUS DOCTORCum permissione domini praesidis,Doctissimae Facultatis,Et totius his nostris actisCompaniae assistantis,Domandabo tibi, docte bacheliere,Quae sunt remediaTam in homine quam in muliereQuae, in maladiaDitta hydropisia,In malo caduco, apoplexia, convulsione et paralysia,Convenit facere.BACHELIERUSClysterium donare,Postea seignare,Ensuita purgare.CHORUSBene, bene, bene, bene respondere.Dignus, dignus est intrareIn nostro docto corpore.QUINTUS DOCTORSi bonum semblatur domino praesidi.Doctissimae Facultati,Et companiae ecoutanti,Domandabo tibi, erudite bacheliere,Ut revenir un jour à la maison gravis aegreQuae remedia colicosis, fievrosis,Maniacis, nefreticis, freneticis,Melancolicis, demoniacis,Asthmaticis atque pulmonicis,Catharrosis, tussicolisis,Guttosis, ladris atque gallosis,In apostemasis plagis et ulcéré,In omni membro démis aut fracturéConvenit facere.BACHELIERUSClysterium donare,Postea seignare,Ensuita purgare.CHORUSBene, bene, bene, bene respondere.Dignus, dignus est intrareIn nostro docto corpore.SEXTUS DOCTORCum bona venia reverendi praesidis,Filiorum Hippocratis,Et totius coronae nos admirantis,Petam tibi, resolute bacheliere,Non indignus alumnus di Monspeliere,Quae remedia caecis, surdis, mutis,Manchotis, claudis, atque omnibus estropiatis,Pro coris pedum, malum de dentibus, pesta, rabie,Et nimis magna commotione in omni novo mariéConvenit facere.BACHELIERUSClysterium donare,Postea seignare,Ensuita purgare.CHORUSBene, bene, bene, bene respondere.Dignus, dignus est intrareIn nostro docto corpore.SEPTIMUS DOCTORSuper illas maladias,Dominus bachelierus dixit maravillas;Mais, si non ennuyo doctissimam facultatemEt totam honorabilem companiamTam corporaliter quam mentaliter hic praesentem,Faciam illi unam quaestionem;De hiero maladus unusTombavit in meas manus,Homo qualitatis et dives comme un Crésus.Habet grandam fievram cum redoublamentis,Grandam dolorem capitis,Cum troublatione spirii et laxamento ventris.Grandum insuper malum au côté,Cum granda difficultateEt pena a respirare;Veuillas mihi dire,Docte bacheliere,Quid illi facere.BACHELIERUSClysterium donare,Postea seignare,Ensuita purgare.CHORUSBene, bene, bene, bene respondere.Dignus, dignus est intrareIn nostro docto corpore.IDEM DOCTORMais, si maladiaOpiniatriaPonendo modicum a quiaNon vult se guarire,Quid illi facere?BACHELIERUSClysterium donare,Postea seignare,Ensuita purgare,Reseignare, repurgare, et reclysterizare.CHORUSBene, bene, bene, bene respondere.Dignus, dignus est intrareIn nostro docto corpore.OCTAVUS DOCTORImpetro favorabile congéA domino praeside,Ab electa trouppa doctorum,Tam practicantium quam practica avidorum,Et a curiosa turba badodorum.Ingeniose bacheliereQui non potuit esse jusqu'ici déferré,Faciam tibi unam questionem de importantia.Messiores, detur nobis audiencia.Isto die bene mane,Paulo ante mon déjeuné,Venit ad me una domicellaItaliana jadis bella,Et ut penso encore un peu pucella,Quae habebat pallidos colores,Fievram blancam dicunt magis fini doctores,Quia plaigniebat se de migraina,De curta halena,De granda oppressione,Jambarum enflatura, et effroyebili lassitudine;De batimento cordis,De strangulamento matris,Alio nomine vapor hystérique,Quae, sicut omnes maladiae terminatae en ique,Facit a Galien la nique.Visagium apparebat bouffietum, et colorisTantum vertae quantum merda anseris.Ex pulsu petito valde frequens, et urina malaQuam apportaverat in fiolaNon videbatur exempta de febricules;Au reste, tam debilis quod veneratDe son grabatIn cavallo sur une mule,Non habuerat menses suosAb illa die qui dicitur des grosses eaux;Sed contabat mihi à l'oreilleChe si non era morta, c'était grand merveille,Perchè in suo negotioEra un poco d'amore, et troppo di cordoglio;Che suo galanto sen era andato in Allemagna,Servire al signor Brandeburg una campagna.Usque ad maintenant multi charlatani,Medici, apothicari, et chirurgianiPro sua maladia in veno travaillaverunt,Juxta même las novas gripas istius bouru Van Helmont,Amploiantes ab oculis cancri, ad Alcahest;Veuillas mihi dire quid superest,Juxta orthodoxos, illi facere.BACHELIERUSClysterium donare,Postea seignare,Ensuita purgare.CHORUSBene, bene, bene, bene respondero.Dignus, dignus est intrareIn nostro docto corpore.IDEM DOCTORMais si tam grandum couchamentumPartium naturalium,Mortaliter obstinatum,Per clysterium donare,SeignareEt reiterando cent fois purgare,Non potest se guarire,Finaliter quid trovaris à propos illi facere?BACHELIERUSIn nomine Hippocratis benedictam cum bonoGarçone conjunctionem imperare.PRAESESJuras gardare statutaPer Facultatem praescripta,Cum sensu et jugeamento?BACHELIERUSJuro.7PRAESESEssere in OmnibusConsultationibusAncieni aviso,Aut bono,Aut mauvaiso!BACHELIERUSJuro.PRAESESDe non jamais te servireDe remediis aucunis,Quam de ceuz seulement almae Facultatis,Maladus dût-il crevare,Et mori de suo malo?BACHELIERUSJuro.PRAESESEgo, cum isto bonetoVenerabili et docto,Dono tibi et concedoPuissanciam, vertutem atque licentiamMedicinam cum methodo faciendiId est,Clysterizandi,Seignandi,Purgandi,Sangsuandi,Ventousandi,Sacrificandi,Perçandi,Taillandi,Coupandi,Trepanandi,Brulandi,Uno verbo, selon les formes, atque impune occidendiParisiis et per totem terram;Rendes, Domine, his messioribus gratiam.Second Entry of the BalletAll the Doctors and Apothecaries come and do him reverenceBACHELIERUSGrandes doctres doctrinaeDe la rhubarbe et du sénéCe seroit sans douta à moi chosa folla,Inepta et ridicula,Si j'alloibam m'engageareVobis louangeas donare,Et entreprenoibam ajoutareDes lumieras au soleillo,Des etoilas au cielo,Des flammas à l'infernoDes ondas à l'oceano,Et des rosas au printano.Agreate qu'avec uno moto,Pro toto remercimento,Rendam gratias corpori tam docto.Vobis, vobis debeoBien plus qu'à nature et qu'à patri meo:Natura et pater meusHominem me habent factum;Mais vos me (ce qui est bien plus)Avetis factum medicumHonor, favor et gratia,Qui, in hoc corde que voilà,Imprimant ressentimentaQui dureront in secula.CHORUSVivat, vivat, vivat, vivat, cent fois vivat,Novus doctor, qui tam bene parlat!Mille, mille annis, et manget et bibat,Et seignet et tuat!Third Entry of the BalletAll the Doctors and Apothecaries dance to the sound of instruments and voices, the clapping of hands, and the beating of Apothecaries' mortarsCHIRURGUSPuisse-t-il voir doctasSuas ordonnancias,Omnium chirurgorum,Et apothicarumRemplire boutiquas!CHORUSVivat, vivat, vivat, vivat, cent fois vivat,Novus doctor, qui tam bene parlat!Mille, mille annis, et manget et bibat,Et seignet et tuat!APOTHICARIUSPuissent toti anniLui essere boniEt favorabilesEt n'habere jamaisEntre ses mains, pestas, epidemiasQuae sunt malas bestias;Mais semper pluresias, pulmoniasIn renibus et vessia pierras,Rhumatismos d'un anno, et omnis generis fievras,Fluxus de sanguine, gouttas diabolicas,Mala de sancto Joanne, Poitevinorum colicasScorbutum de Hollandia, verolas parvas et grossasBonos chancros atque longas callidopissas.BACHELIERUSAmen.CHORUSVivat, vivat, vivat, vivat, cent fois vivat,Novus doctor, qui tam bene parlat!Mille, mille annis, et manget et bibat,Et seignet et tuat!Fourth Entry of the BalletAll the Doctors and Apothecaries go out according to their rank, as they came inTHE END

1

As usual, Argan only counts half; even after he has reduced the charge.

2

Thomas Diafoirus is evidently going to base some compliment on the belle-mère. The only way out of the difficulty in English seems to be to complete the sentence somewhat.

3

Harvey's treatise on the circulation of the blood was published in 1628. His discovery was violently opposed for a long time afterwards.

4

Molière seems to refer to Dr. Guenaut, who was said to have killed with antimony (his favourite remedy) his wife, his daughter, his nephew, and two of his sons-in-law. – AIMÉ MARTIN.

5

Oubliés; now called plaisirs. "Wafers" would perhaps have been the right rendering in Molière's time.

6

This piece is composed of a mixture of dog-Latin, French, &c. and is utterly untranslateable.

7

It is said that it was when uttering this word that Molière gave way to the illness from which he had long suffered.