The Complete Cynic

Oliver Herford, Ethel Watts Mumford, Addison Mizner

The Complete Cynic / Being Bunches of Wisdom Culled from the Calendars of…

DEDICATION, 1911 TO THE MERRY

"Wisdom may not be confined'Twixt covers of the dictionary,Neither will it be defined;Learning, you may quickly bury;Wisdom – Soul and Life combined combined —Lingers ever with the merry."

DEDICATION, 1905 TO THE WORLD AT LARGE

This Little Book of Wisdom GreatIt pleases us to dedicateTo that Rampageous Reprobate —The World at Large.Yet as we mark his Stony PhizAnd see him whoop and whirl and whiz,We can but cry – O Lord, why isThe World at Large!OLIVER HERFORD.

DEDICATION, 1907

To Foolish-wise and Wisely-gayOf whate'er country they may be,We dedicate this little gemBy Ollie, Addison and Me,In hopes they'll buy in massive lotsAnd help us boil our little pots.(T)

DEDICATION, 1908

Reader – would you a Cynic be?Vindictive – Vitriolic?Then be one in your Infancy —Your Nurse will think it's Colic.Like Measles take it while you're young,'Twill drive your parents frantic,But you'll grow up, (if still unhung)An Optimist Romantic.(H)

DEDICATION, 1909

Then here's to those who love the StarsAnd diligently tea them,And here's to all Ambitious SoulsWho strongly strive to be them;But most to those Discerning OnesWho know Stars when they see them."Now the well of truth'Tis an ink well."Sayings of Towanda.

BOOK ONE

God gives us our relatives – thank God we can choose our friends. (M)

When Papa comes in at the door the Lover flies out at the window. (T)

Look before you sleep. (M)

It's a strong stomach that has no turning. (T)

Those that came to cough remain to spray. (H)

Naught is lost save honor. (H)

God sends the tempest to the shorn lambs. (T)

Silence gives contempt. (M)

People who love in glass houses should pull down the blinds. (T & M))

God help those who do not help themselves. (T & M))

A church fair exchange is robbery. (T)

Fools rush in and win, where angels fear to tread. (M)

A rich man can get the eye of the beadle. (M)

The boulevards are the roads to destruction. (M)

Economy is the thief of time. (T)

A bird on a bonnet is worth ten on a plate. (T)

As you sew so must you rip. (T)

Let him now speak or hereafter hold his piece of information for a good price. (M)

A lie in time saves nine. (T)

A thing of duty is an-noy forever. (H)

Better all a loafer than a half-bred. (T & M))

Matri-mony is the root of all evil. (T)

Necessity is the mother of contention. (T)

A word to the wise is resented. (M)

Where there is a will there's a lawsuit. (T)

Hell is paved with big pretensions. (T)

"Mercy and truth are met together, righteousness and peace have kissed each other." Look out!!!! (M)

Pride will have a Fall bonnet. (M)

He laughs best, who's laugh lasts. (T)

He that is surety for a stranger shall be wiser the next time. (M)

Pride goeth before and the bill cometh after. (M)

Single blessedness and married cussedness. (T)

Young widows in ash cloth and sashes. (M)

Blood is bluer than water. (T)

None but the brave desert the fair. (T)

A little widow is a dangerous thing. (M)

Money shall cover a multitude of sins. (T)

"Who so findeth a (rich) wife findeth a good thing." (M) Prov. xviii, 22.

Whose service is perfect freedom??? (M)

As thou hast made thy bed, why lie about it? (M)

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. (T)

Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. (T)

If the wolf be at the door, open it and eat him. (M)

Many are called but few get up. (H)

Saint heart ne'er won fair lady. (M)

Honor is without profit – in most countries. (T & M))

Consistency, thou art a mule! (M)

The poor ye have with ye always – but they are not invited. (T)

Eat your steak or you'll have stew. (M)

Stays make waist. (M)

One touch of nature makes the whole world blush. (T & M))

Think of your ancestors and your posterity and you will never marry. (M)

Sweet are the uses of diversity. (M)

Tamper not with fledged fools. (T)

Tomorrow would be sweet if we could kill yesterday. (M)

A lie for a lie and a truth for a truth. (M)

Fain would I write yet fear to pall. (T)

In one's old coterie may one sport the old pantry and vestry? (H)

It is better to make friends fast than to make fast friends. (M)

There's many a sip 'twixt the cup and the lip. (M)

A friend in deeds is a friend indeed. (M)

All that a man knoweth will he tell to his wife. (M & T))

One husband does not make a home. (T)

What is home without another? (H)

A fool and his honey are soon mated. (T & M))

There is no soak without some fire water. (M)

Tell the truth and shame the – family. (T)

There's none so blind as those who won't fee. (H)

Knowledge is power – if you know it about the right person. (M)

BOOK TWO

A little spark may smirk unseen. (T)

The wages of Gin is Debt. (T)

"The grinders may cease" – but the grind goes on forever. (M)

Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. (H)

Too many hooks spoil the cloth. (T)

One good turn deserves applause. (T)

Opposition is the surest persuasion. (M)

He who owes nothing fears nothing. (T)

You will never miss water while the champagne runs dry. (T)

Money makes the Mayor go. (H)

There's a Pen for the wise, but alas! no Pound for the foolish. (M)

Imagination makes cowards of us all. (T)

Wild oats make a bad autumn crop. (T)

The number of a man's widows will be in proportion to the size of his estate. (M)

He that is down need not fear plucking. (M)

Nothing succeeds like – failure. (H)

Let him that standeth pat take heed lest they call. (T)

Don't take the Will for the Deed – get the Deed. (M)

The doors of Opportunity are marked "Push" and "Pull." (T)

Charity is the sterilized milk of human kindness. (H)

The greatest possession is Self-possession. (T)

Pleasant company always accepted. (T)

The gossip is not always of the swift, nor the tattle of the wrong. (T)

Advice to Parents – "Cast not your girls before swains." (T)

Only the young die good. (T)

The Doctor's Motto – A fee in the hand is worth two on the book. (T)

Give an inch and take an ell. (T)

What can't be cured must be insured. (H)

The more taste the less creed. (T)

There is no time like the pleasant. (H)

The danger lies not in the big ears of little pitchers, but in the large mouths. (T)

He jests at scores who never played at Bridge. (T)

Women change their minds a dozen times a day – that's why they are so clean-minded. (H)

A gentle lie turneth away inquiry. (H)

Never too old to yearn. (T)

Kind hearts are more than coronets – few girls can afford to have either. (T)

He who fights and runs awayWill live to write about the fray. (H)

The pension is mightier than the sword. (T)

A fool's paradise is nevertheless a paradise. (T)

Let well enough alone – there's brandy and soda. (M)

A fellow failing makes us wondrous unkind. (H)

Society covers a multitude of sins. (T)

All is not bold that titters. (T)

The ways of the transgressor are smooth. (H)

The Steamer's Motto – You can't eat your cake and have it, too. (H)

The more waist the less speed. (M)

The self-made man is often proud of a poor job. (T)

BOOK THREE

Many a man's house is his Bastille. (T)

Costly thy garments as thy tailor will stand for. (M)

To have and to scold. (M)

Busy people are never busybodies. (T)

To make the winter pass quickly – sign a note in the fall. (H)

The Grafter's Motto – Work ill done must be twice paid for. (T)

Never give up from the ship. (M)

Look out for your friends – the neighbors will look in for themselves. (T)

Come in (and see if you can stay in) without knocking. (M)

Better a live doggerel than a dead sonnet. (T)

A cat may look at a king – but it takes four aces to see four of 'em. (T & M))

Chicago Motto – I smell a vat. (M)

Diplomacy: Lying in State. (H)

Millionaire: A large body entirely surrounded by water-ed stock. (T & M))

Contentment is the smother of invention. (T)

"The law is open" – to question. (T)

Life Insurance Motto – Robbing the widows early and orphan. (T)

An ounce of convention is worth a pound of explanation. (T)

Opportunity knows no law. (T)

Avoid the plate in sincere prayer. (M)

A kiss in time saves brine. (H)

The Doctor's Motto – Better a dead patient than a live appendix. (T)

Whom the Gallery Gods love dye young. (H)

The locksmith is the only tradesman Love can afford to laugh at. (T)

Where the fire burns hottest there is no smoke. (M)

Nobody's business is everybody's curiosity. (T)

Rice makes might. (H) General Oyama.

Sow your wild oats in a peach orchard. (M)

First waters run steep. (H)

A hair in the head is worth two in the brush. (H)

O woman, in thine hours of ease,Uncertain, coy, and hard to please,When pains of anguish wring the brow,You send us to the hospital now! (T)

Take what comes your way – but select the way. (T)

He that seweth the wind will bust his singer. (T)

Jealousy is confession of weakness. (T)

Chauffeur – and much further. (H) Motophor.

Put not your Trust in investigation. (T)

All's well that ends swell. (T)

Meet out Justice as she should be met. (M)

The woman who forgives and doesn't forget is trying to preempt heaven and raise hell. (T)

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