How to Fall in Love with a Man Who Lives in a Bush

‘Yes, yes,’ he nodded eagerly. ‘A great lady. But very shy. Doesn’t go out much. Very particular.’

Ever since, I’ve been desperately trying to bump into my famous neighbour, without success. From the street I can see that her windows are dirty even though there are some gaudy plants there. For some reason I just can’t picture Elfriede Jelinek carefully tending her azaleas, however much I try. It’s like my subconscious only wants to see her over-watering cactuses and feeding flies to carnivorous plants.

Sometimes I blame my neighbour for the fact I’ve not yet become an author. It’s Elfriede’s fault (in my rage I always address her by her first name). The house’s literature quota has been used up by her, leaving nothing for me, and if Elfriede didn’t live here then I’d have written at least three novels by now.

In happier times I dream of how we’ll become friends. She’ll come to my door to borrow a cup of vinegar.

‘I’m a writer too!’ I’ll exclaim and Elfriede will raise her eyebrows in surprise that a colleague – and possible future soulmate – is living in the house. Then her face will become serious again.

‘To observe is a male privilege,’ she’ll say.

‘Hmm,’ I’ll agree, nodding slowly.

‘My writing is a polemic against the tyranny of reality.’

‘But have you been to Prater? Sometimes it’s pretty good fun there, Elfie,’ I’ll say, getting a nickname in as quick as possible.

‘Follow my tears and the sea will soon take you in,’ Elfriede will say.

‘Now you’ve lost me, but do come in, Fifi,’ I’ll reply – an alternative nickname, in case she didn’t like the first one.

Then, over many cups of tea, or maybe whisky, we’ll sit at my place and talk about how tough it is being an author.

With a little sigh I shift my grip on the bags and carry on up the stairs. They smell of cleaning fluid and cold stone.

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