Child of Her Heart

Whoa! Where that thought had come from, she didn’t know, but she’d surprised herself with it.

Anna made tiny waking noises, and Meredith glanced at her watch. She’d planned to stay on the beach for another couple of hours, so she changed Anna and nursed her.

Occasionally someone on the beach nodded a hello, but she enjoyed the tranquility of the crashing waves and the solitude. She’d left her cell phone in her room because she didn’t want Veronica to reach her and ask where she was.

Finally getting hungry, she packed up her belongings, slid Anna into the sling she wore to carry her and made her way back to the inn. As she kicked off her shoes and shook out sand at the entrance, a young male employee hurried to help her and store her beach rentals.

Meredith went to her room where she locked the door and placed Anna in the crib the inn had provided. There were four messages on her cell phone, all from Veronica, all pleading with her to call and listen to reason. Meredith deleted them, turned off her phone and took a nap.

Waking rested, she fed Anna, took a quick shower and dressed in trousers and a silky blouse. She carried Anna out to the car and glanced at the food and entertainment guide she’d discovered in a rack inside the inn. They all looked good and the addresses were meaningless, so she headed down a main street.

The first restaurant she found was a seafood place with weathered clapboard siding, a wooden walk-way with posts and rope strung between them to mimic a wharf, and a shark’s jawbone over the door. Meredith liked the authentic look and it had a good rating in the guidebook, so she parked and entered.

A hostess asked her seating preferences just as a young voice called, “Miss Meredith! Miss Meredith!”

She turned to discover Lamond Weber racing across the foyer toward her. She shifted Anna’s seat to her other hand. “Well, hello.”

Dressed in a fresh white sport shirt, Justin walked forward and greeted her with a warm smile. “We were just being shown to a table. Will you join us?”

Meredith glanced from Justin to Lamond to the hostess and couldn’t think of a single reason not to accept his offer. “Thank you. I’d love to.”

“Great. We’ll need another chair, miss,” he said. “And one of those bases to put the car seat on.”

“What’s that?” Meredith asked.

He stepped beside her and touched his hand to the small of her back to guide her through the tables. She was keenly aware of his warm touch through her clothing.

“They have high chairs that flip over so you can fasten your infant seat on top,” Justin explained. “Some places have an aluminum or wooden frame for the same purpose. Gets the baby up on your level, and you don’t have to leave her in her seat on the floor or try to hold her while you eat.”

The hostess appeared then with just such an invention and showed Meredith how to safely place Anna’s carrier into the base.

“Isn’t that ingenious?” Feeling like the novice she was, Meredith smiled and thanked the young woman.

In a gentlemanly gesture, Justin held Meredith’s chair, then helped Lamond get settled on a booster seat.

“I take it you haven’t been out to eat much since Anna’s arrival,” he said with a good-natured smile.

“If you don’t count carryout or drive through, this is my first dinner out.” She picked up a menu and glanced at the selections. The list of grilled salmon, albacore tuna and fresh salads made her mouth water.

“What’s Anna going to eat?” Lamond asked.

“She won’t be hungry for a while,” Meredith replied. “I fed her right before we came here.”

“Oh. Read me the kids’ food, Dad. Please?”

Justin opened his menu and read the selection of children’s dinners.

“I want the tuna melt. Can I have two?”

Justin raised an ebony brow at his son. “You’re going to be growing out of all your clothes again, you keep eating so much.”

Lamond giggled.

Jonah opened a backpack he’d carried in and took out two coloring books and a box of crayons. The boys settled down to color brightly hued racing cars.

Meredith thanked the waitress who set glasses of water before them. She took a sip. “What a good idea to bring along something to entertain them.”

Justin had a nice smile that revealed even white teeth and disturbed her comfort level. He had a manner of looking at her that made her feel he was thinking more than he was saying. “It’s either that or constantly be nagging them not to play with the silverware and the condiments. Mauli’s great about picking up things to amuse them. She seems to know just what they like.”

“Where is Mauli tonight?”

“Taking in a movie with a girlfriend she met yesterday.”

Studying the menu, Meredith intuitively sensed stares from a nearby table and glanced in that direction. A couple with three children were seated at a round table. The youngest of the children played with an action figure on the tabletop, but the other two, a boy and girl of about seven and nine, stared at Jonah and Lamond, then at Anna in her seat and gave Meredith and Justin inquiring looks.

Their mother caught their attention and whispered something Meredith could only partially hear, but they reluctantly turned away. Meredith locked gazes with the woman momentarily, and seeming embarrassed, the young mother looked away quickly.

It was all those two children could do not to turn their heads and stare again. The woman had taken hold of the younger boy’s wrist on the tabletop as though warning him.

Discomfort at being the center of attention flooded Meredith, and warmth rose in her cheeks. Her stomach dipped nervously. She glanced around to see how many other people were looking at them, but didn’t notice anything unusual.

Returning her gaze to the menu but not able to concentrate, she glanced up and found Justin studying her solemnly.

Justin had seen the children’s curious gazes and hadn’t thought much of it. People probably saw them and assumed they were a family. His boys were quite dark-skinned, but if an onlooker thought Meredith was his wife, then they would just quite naturally think Anna was their child together.

He didn’t really care much what people thought, but it was apparent that Meredith did. The expression on her face and the tilt of her chin clearly showed a defensiveness that surprised him.

She was obviously uncomfortable with the attention that her child—and probably Justin’s company—drew. He didn’t need any complications in his life, in fact had vowed not to take on any, but for some reason he had the feeling that this young woman could use a friend.

Hell, everyone could use a friend. Even him—especially one this lovely. Though he surprised himself with the thought, he admitted he wouldn’t mind getting to know her better.

A whole lot better.

Three

The boys were happily coloring and hadn’t noticed the curious looks they’d received. Obviously embarrassed, Meredith took a calming breath.

Justin gauged her reactions.

Meredith seemed at a loss for words, her cheeks pink, her eyes overly shiny.

“What are you feeling?” he asked softly.

“Embarrassed.” She glanced to the side. “Defensive.”

“Deep down?” he asked. “What are you feeling underneath all that?”

Tears welled in her eyes and she blinked, holding her lips in a stiff line. “Disappointed. And hurt,” she said softly.

They’d only just met, but he knew it had been difficult to reveal those very private feelings.

Justin nodded and studied Meredith’s delicate features, her trembling lips. “Children are just naturally curious.”

It was difficult enough adjusting to a new baby and the changes that a child brought to one’s life, but she was apparently doing it on her own. As the mother of a half-black child, she’d no doubt already experienced her share of prejudice. She was feeling defensive with good reason. But that baby had been conceived by a black man. Hadn’t she ever gone out to dinner with the baby’s father, hadn’t she seen people’s reactions before?

She was struggling, hurting, and he didn’t know whether it had been a good idea to subject her to his company and the stares that accompanied it. She hadn’t seemed to mind their company on the beach, but being with other people was a different matter.

Meredith seemed tenderhearted and vulnerable, and that combination of innocence intrigued him. “I think you’re extraordinarily sensitive right now,” he said. “Possibly reading things into what’s merely simple curiosity.”

“You’re probably right. Thanks.”

He liked the way her smile lit up her hazel eyes. Today they’d seemed lit by the sun, but now they were dark and almost green. “Shall we enjoy ourselves?”

She nodded, grateful for his sensible and reassuring words. When the waitress returned, Meredith ordered and Justine ordered for himself and the boys. “Would you care for wine?” he inquired.

“Thank you, but I can’t,” she replied. “You go ahead.”

“Just a glass for me,” he said to the waitress. “You’re nursing,” he said after she’d gone.

She nodded, a little surprised at his frankness, but not embarrassed.

“Wise choice. How do you manage when you go to work?”

“I’ve taken a leave of absence from my job.”

“That’s great. What do you do?”

“I’m a pediatric physical therapist.”

One side of his lips quirked in a half smile. “No wonder you’re so good with kids.”

Her fair skin blushed prettily. “I love kids.”

“They like you, too.”

The waitress brought his wine and refilled Meredith’s water glass.

“What about you?” she asked. “What do you do?”

“I’m an attorney.” He raised a palm as though to ward off her reaction. “No lawyer jokes, now.”

“I don’t think I know any.”

“That’s refreshing.”

“You hear a lot of lawyer jokes?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Like what? Tell me one.”

She was serious. He chuckled. “No.”

“Not dignified enough for you, I suppose? I’m trying to picture you in your three-piece suit.”

“I look pretty good.”

She laughed. “You’re one of those GQ guys, aren’t you? You have a dozen suits and a hundred color-coordinated ties and matching socks.”

He shrugged.

“You do. And you buy Italian shoes.”

“What do you know about men’s shoes?”

“I had a— Well…” She looked away. “I knew someone who liked to dress well.”

The baby’s father? Where was he now? What kind of man left a woman pregnant and alone or with a baby to raise by herself? Maybe he hadn’t known about the baby. Maybe he’d died. Justin was certainly curious about this woman’s private life, and he had no right to be. She was just an acquaintance he’d met on the beach. “Do you think my taste in shoes says something about my character?”

“Probably. But I wouldn’t know what it would be. I’m not a very good judge of people.”

Justin absorbed that remark silently.

Meredith glanced away, suddenly self-conscious about saying something a little too revealing.

Jonah showed his dad the picture he’d colored, and the conversation turned to sports cars, of which Meredith knew nothing, so she listened to father and sons.

Their salmon arrived with spicy slaw and mango-papaya salsa on the side, and they ate leisurely. The boys finished, pulled a miniature magnetic checkerboard from Jonah’s backpack and played the game.

Anna squirmed in her seat and a telltale odor rose.

Lamond wrinkled his nose. “Is that your baby?”

“Uh-oh,” Meredith said. “Excuse us for a moment. We’ll be right back.”

She unbuckled Anna and carried her to the women’s rest room. As she was finishing the change, the door opened and a matronly woman entered.

She glanced at Anna and her eyebrows rose indignantly. “Where did you get that baby?”

Meredith thought her lips moved a minute before she could find a response. “She’s mine.”

“But you’re not her mother? Where did she come from?”

“She came from my uterus and I most definitely am her mother.” Indignantly, Meredith stuffed the baby-wipe container in her bag, picked up Anna and closed the changing station. Those were the kind of remarks that made her suspicious of every glance she received. The kind that angered her and dented her faith in mankind.

Outside the rest room, she paused and collected herself before making her way back to the table where she placed Anna back into her seat.

The boys had packed their belongings and sat on the edges of their chairs.

Justin stood, but looked at her curiously. “I guess we’re ready to go. Everything okay?”

Meredith reached into the bag to dig for her wallet. “Fine.”

Justin touched his long fingers to her wrist. “I got dinner.”

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

“It was a pleasure to have your company,” he replied, then picked up the infant carrier. “I’ll help you to your car.”

Accepting his aid, she walked ahead of him out into the cool evening air. He seemed to be a nice guy and she wanted to believe he was as kind and sincere as he seemed. The boys jumped from the boardwalk onto the stones below and knelt to look more closely at the rocks.

Meredith’s car was parked right in front, and she used her remote key ring to unlock the doors.

Justin glanced at the license plate. “You’re from Oregon.”

She nodded. “Portland.”

That half smile inched up and creased one cheek.

“You, too?” she asked.

He nodded. “Small world, eh?”

Her mind whirled with the possibility of developing a friendship with this man, a friendship that would last once they’d both gone home.

Justin looked over the seat and the base, and efficiently buckled Anna into the car in no time.

“You’re good at this,” she commented.

“I’ve had a little practice.”

“That’s nice to see.” She closed the back door and opened the front. “I feel like I owe you.”

He glanced toward the sun setting over the ocean in the distance. “You can buy me dinner next time.”

Meredith’s heart felt as though it dipped in her chest. Was he suggesting a date?

He looked directly at her. “Do you have a problem being with me and the boys in public?”

Heat flashed through her chest and up to her cheeks. “Did you— You didn’t think that I was embarrassed to be sitting with you in there.” She pointed over her shoulder. “Did you?”

He raised his eyebrows and set his lips thoughtfully before speaking. “I wasn’t sure. You said you were embarrassed.”

Meredith glanced at the boys still selecting rocks. “Like you said, I’m extra sensitive right now.” She wanted to mention the woman in the rest room, but didn’t know how to put it that wouldn’t sound self-pitying or be insulting to him. “I’m embarrassed to be singled out. I’m angry that Anna’s skin color has to be an issue at all.”

She looked up at him, silently pleading for understanding. “I wasn’t embarrassed to be with you or your sons, Justin. Please don’t think that.”

He nodded. “Okay.”

His simple word hung between them, amiable closure to a touchy subject. Its very simplicity and his acceptance of her feelings lightened her spirits and made her smile.

A breeze caught her hair and his attention focused on it for a moment, then found her eyes.

“We’ll see each other again,” she said, finding the words bold, but not wanting to miss the chance.

“Actually,” he said, “I’d like for you to meet Mauli.”

She thought about it and didn’t see any reason to say no. She gave a little shrug. “All right.”

“Do you have plans for tomorrow?”

“Yes, I have an important meeting with the beach. Is there rain in the forecast?”

“This is February on the coast. There’s always rain in the forecast.”

“I was afraid of that.”

“If it’s warm and clear, we’ll meet on the beach. Say around one?”

She nodded. “One it is.”

He turned and called to his boys. “Come on, fellas, let’s go. Tell Miss Meredith good-night.”

Jonah waved, but Lamond ran over to where she stood at the open car door and looked up at her. He was as endearingly straightforward and open as his father. “I think you and Anna are real nice. And pretty, too. Bye, Miss Meredith.”

“Bye, sweetie.” She instinctively reached out to touch his face and found his cheek as smooth and warm as Anna’s.

“Step back from the car,” Justin called and Lamond obeyed.

Meredith got in.

“See ya later, alligator!” Lamond called with an energetic wave.

She returned the wave and called, “After a while, crocodile!”

He broke into giggles and ran to join his father and older brother.

Meredith closed the door and started her car, a good, warm feeling replacing her earlier chagrin. She would see the Webers again tomorrow…if it didn’t rain. Glancing at the sky, she turned on the radio to find a weather report.

At 6:00 a.m. when Anna woke to nurse, it was raining. Meredith settled in the comfortable chair near the bay window that overlooked a portion of the beach and watched the gray drizzle coming down. She wasn’t here to socialize, anyway, she told herself with glum resign. She’d accepted the Children’s Connection’s offer in order to escape her mother’s constant harassment and have some time alone with Anna to think.

Adoption, as her mother had insisted from day one, had never been an option. She’d wanted this baby. She’d gone to extreme measures to have her, and Anna was the fulfillment of her dreams. Just because she wasn’t the particular baby Meredith had imagined didn’t mean she didn’t love her and want her.

Her fears were about her own inadequacies. She hadn’t been prepared to raise a child of mixed race. Right now Anna’s needs were simple and Meredith had the capabilities to meet them: breast milk, clean clothing, hundreds of diapers and a lot of love. But later—maybe only three or four years from now—her daughter would begin to recognize the differences in their appearance. She would notice the stares and hear the comments and need skills to cope. And how would Meredith know how to instill those tools, give her child the confidence and sense of identity she would need?

Whenever Meredith gave in to those thoughts, she sank into a pit of self-doubt and insecurity.

During Anna’s wakeful time, she bathed her, sang her nursery songs and admired her toothless new smile.

Her main dilemma was the question of responsibility. No, she did not want to sue the clinic. But neither did she want a terrible mistake to be made again—perhaps to someone who couldn’t accept their unexpected child.

She could probably discover who the sperm donor was, but in her heart she didn’t want to know. It couldn’t possibly matter. The one thing she knew with confidence was that she had to be certain her own eggs were used in the in vitro process. In her heart Anna was her own child and always would be. She’d carried her inside her body, underneath her heart, and had gone through the birth process. Anna was her baby. But was she truly her biological child? If one mistake was made, why not another?

Time and again she stared at her child, trying to find similarities in appearance, wanting more than anything to see physical traits. But Anna was a baby. A dark-skinned baby. And it was difficult to tell.

While Anna slept, Meredith checked her voice mail and deleted all the messages from Veronica without listening to them. Then she called her counselor at Children’s Connection.

“I need assurance that my own eggs were fertilized and implanted. I don’t care about the donor. I don’t want to know and I don’t want anyone else to ever be able to find out.”

“I understand perfectly,” the woman said. “I’ll check all the paper trails and I’ll call you when I have an answer.”

Already feeling less burdened, Meredith hung up and gave herself a manicure and pedicure, using a bright shade of red nail polish she’d received in a basket of personal items as a gift from her friend Chaney.

Thinking of the bubbly redhead, Meredith glanced at the clock and called her friend’s cell phone, hoping Chaney had it turned on where she worked at a medical billing company in Portland.

Chaney answered the phone. “Hey, it’s about time you called.”

“I’ve been settling in.”

“How’s the Lighthouse Inn?”

“It’s marvelous. I have a huge suite with a bay window and a balcony that’s only a few hundred feet from the beach. There’s a whirlpool tub and a little kitchen.”

“Been in the whirlpool yet?”

“Not yet. It’s an executive suite decked out so well that a person could live here.”

“I figured it would be pretty classy. They’re trying to buy you off.”

“You’re probably right. But I couldn’t pass up the chance to escape for a while.”

“She’s called me twice a day demanding I tell her where you are.”

Meredith knew Chaney referred to her mother. “Don’t cave, Chaney.”

“Never. She needs to give you some breathing room. How’s my favorite girl?”

“Anna’s perfectly content. She doesn’t care where we are. She eats and sleeps oblivious to anything but her tummy and her bottom. I think she’s becoming partial to my singing, however.”

“Nah, she still likes my rendition of ‘Lonely Days, Lonely Nights’ the best. I got her first smile with that one.”

“You did not.”

“Did so. You’ll have to stay up nights practicing to outdo my performances.”

Meredith laughed. “Okay, okay, you’re probably a micrometer better at entertaining in that department. But I can feed her. Thank God.”

“Low blow, girlfriend.”

They laughed, and Meredith said, “I needed this. You keep me centered and laughing at myself.”

“Yeah, well, sometimes you have to laugh.”

Meredith glanced at the windows, then at the clock. It was nearly one. “The sun is shining! I’d better let you go back to work.”

“Call me tomorrow.”

“I will. Bye.”

Four

Justin and his boys were waiting on the beach, the sand darkened from the morning’s rain. With them was a young woman in her early twenties, with dark hair and tanned-looking skin. The closer Meredith got, the more she noticed about the girl. She doubted that was a tan; her skin was a little darker than Anna’s, but her hair was straight and her eyes blue. She was quite obviously of mixed race.

She smiled and peered into the sling to see the napping baby.

“Meredith, this is Mauli,” Justin said. “Mauli, this is the lady and the baby we told you about.”

“The boys couldn’t stop talking about your Anna,” Mauli said. “They said she was the cutest thing ever, and I have to agree.”

“Thanks. I’m partial, but I agree, too.”

“It’s really too wet to spend time on the beach this afternoon,” Justin said, disappointing Meredith.

She nodded in agreement, however.

“I thought we’d find something else to do,” he suggested. “Spend some time seeing the sights. Will you join us?”

Warm relief swept over her at his suggestion. She shouldn’t be reliant on others for a good time, but she’d eagerly been looking forward to today. Justin and the kids were so accepting and friendly. They didn’t know about her dilemma or have opinions about what she needed to do. She could relax and enjoy herself around them. “I’d love it.”

“Great. We’ll take my vehicle.”

“Are we going to see the whales and dolphins, Dad?” Lamond tugged on his father’s hand.

“No, that’s tomorrow, remember?”

Justin led them to a Lexus SUV with a cherry sheen so deep it was almost black. “Give me your keys and I’ll get Anna’s car seat. Do you have a stroller in your trunk?”

Meredith dug her keys from her bag. He returned quickly and fastened Anna’s carrier in the rear seat, facing backward. If this man was as efficient in court as he was with babies, he was a force to be reckoned with.

They all piled in and buckled up. Meredith chatted with Mauli while Justin drove south on the highway. Mauli had been frequenting the gift shops in the little beach town and described the delightful presents she was storing away for Christmas and birthdays.