Monsieur De Pourceaugnac

Oro. And yours will in no way succeed.

Mr. Pour. Did you think that Leonardo de Pourceaugnac is a man to buy a pig in a poke, and that he has not the sense to find out what goes on in the world, and to see if, in marrying, his honour is safe?

Oro. I do not know what you mean; but did you take into your head that a man of sixty-three years old has so little common sense, and so little consideration for his daughter, as to marry her to a man who has you know what, and who was put with a doctor to be cured?

Mr. Pour. This is a trick that was practised upon me, and there is nothing the matter with me.

Oro. The doctor told us so himself.

Mr. Pour. The doctor told a lie. I am a gentleman, and I will meet him sword in hand.

Oro. I know what I ought to believe, and you can no more impose upon me in this matter than about the debts you are bound to pay on your marriage day.

Mr. Pour. What debts?

Oro. It is of no use to affect ignorance. I have seen the Flemish merchant who with other creditors obtained a decision against you eight months ago.

Mr. Pour. What Flemish merchant? What creditors? What decision obtained against me?

Oro. You know perfectly well what I mean.

SCENE VIII. – MR. DR POURCEAUGNAC, ORONTE, LUCETTE

Luc. (pretending to be a woman from Languedoc). 12 Oh, yèu be yur, be'e! an' I've avoun thee to làs, àrter all this yur tràepsin' vùrwurd an' backward. Cans thee now, yèu rascal; cans leuk me in the fae-as?

Mr. Pour. What is it this woman wants?

Luc. What do I want o' thee, yèu villun! Thee's mak wise neet to know me, disn? an' thee disn turn rid nuther, èempodent oseburd that thee art! What! thee witn turn colour vur to leuk me in the fae-as! (To Oronte) I baent sàaf, Maister, nif'tis yèu that they do zay 'ee weeshth vur to marry wi' the darter o'? but 'owsomever I zwear to yèu, I be the weiv o' un, an' that zeben yur agone when 'ee was a travellin' drue Pézenas, he made out, we' 'iz falseness, that 'ee knowth zo wul 'ow vur act vur to come over my 'art, an' zo by one way or tother vur to git me vur to gèe unmy 'an vur to marry un.

Oro. Oh! oh!

Luc. The rascal lef me dree yur àrterwurds, purtendin' that 'eed agot some bizness vur to deu in 'iz own country, an' ivur sinz I 'ant ayeard no news at all o' un; but when I wadn thinkin' nothin' 'tall 'bout 'ee, I yeard 'em say as 'ow 'ee was acomin' yur, into this yur town, vur to be amarried agee'an wi' another young ummun, that her father an' mother 'd apromised teu un athout knowin' nothin' 'ow that 'ee was amarried avore. Zo I starts toràcly, an' I be acome yur to this yur place so zeun's ivur I pausible keud, vur to staup this yur wicked marridge, an' vur to show op, avore all the wurld, the very wissest man that iver was.

Mr. Pour. What wonderful impudence!

Luc. Eempurence! Baent yèu ashèe'amd o' yurzul vur to mak sport o' me, 'stid o' bein' abroke down wi' eenward feelins, that thee wicked 'art aurt vur to gee thee?

Mr. Pour. Do you mean to say that I am your husband?

Luc. Villun! dis dare to zay tidn zo? Ah! thee's know wul 'nuf, wiss luck to me, that tis all zo treu's the Gauspel; an' I weesh to Heben twadn zo, an' that thee'ds alef me so èenocent an' so quiet like eens I used to be, avore thy charms an' thy trumpery, bad luck, made me vur to 'sake it all! I nivur sheudn abin abrought down vur to be the pour weesh thing that I be now – vur to zee my man, cruel like, mak a laughin' sport of all the love that I've a 'ad vorn, an' lef me athout one beet o' pity, vur the mortal pàin I've abeared, 'bout the shee'amful way 'eev asàrd me.

Oro. Really, I feel quite ready to weep. Go! you are a wicked man!

SCENE IX. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, NÉRINE, LUCETTE, ORONTE

Ner. (pretending to be from Picardy). 13 Oh! Aa can stand nowt more; aa'm rait winded! Ah! good for nowt, thou's made me run well for it; thou'lt not 'scape me now. Joostice! Joostice! Aa forbid the weddin. (To Oronte) He's my ain man, Mast-ther, and as sh'd joost loik to ave him stroong up, the precious hang-dog there.

Mr. Pour. Another!

Oro. What a devil of a man!

Luc. An' what be yèu a-tullin' o', wai yur vurbèedin' an' yur 'àngin'? Thiki man's yo-ur ùzban, is ur?

Ner. You're rait, Missis, an aa'm joost his woif.

Luc. That's a lie then; 'tis me that's the rail weiv o' un; an eef 'ee ought vur to be a'ànged, why 'tis me that ought vur to 'ave it adeud.

Ner. Me; aa can mak nowt o' that soort o' talk.

Luc. I do tul 'ee 'ow that I be 'is weiv.

Ner. His woif?

Luc. Ees fie!

Ner. Aa tell ye once more, that it's me at's joost that.

Luc. An' I vows an' declares as 'ow tez me, my own zul.

Ner. 'Twere fowr yeer agone 'at he wed me.

Luc. An' me, tez zeben yur sinz 'e teuk me vur 'iz weiv.

Ner. Aa can proove aal 'at aa say.

Luc. All my naibours knowth ut.

Ner. Owr town can well witness to it.

Luc. All Pézénas zeed us amarried.

Ner. All Sin Quintin helpt at owr weddin'.

Luc. Thur cant be nort more saafur.

Ner. Nowt can be more sartin.

Luc. (to Mr. de Pourceaugnac). Dis thee dare to zay òrt gin ut, yèu villun?

Ner. (to Mr. de Pourceaugnac). Canst thou deny me, wicked man?

Mr. Pour. One is as true as the other.

Luc. What èemperence! What, yèu rogue, yèu don't mind poor leedle Franky an' poor leedle Jinny – they that be the outcomin's o' our marridge?

Ner. Joost look, there's cheek! What! thou's forgot yon poor cheel, owr little Maggy, 'at thou's lef me for a pledge o' thy faith?

Mr. Pour. What impudent jades!

Luc. Yur Franky! Yur Jinny, come both o' ee, come both o' ee, come an' mak yur bad rascal of a father own to 'ow ee've asàrd all o' us.

Ner. Coom hither, Maggy, maa cheel, coom heere quick, an' shame your fayther of th' impudence 'at he's gotten.

SCENE X. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, ORONTE, LUCETTE, NÉRINE, SEVERAL CHILDREN

Chi. Fayther! fayther! fayther!

Mr. Pour. Deuce take the little brats!

Luc. What yèu, villun, artn thee fit to drap, vur to tak to yur chillurn arter jis farshin, an' to keep thee eyes vàs, 'feerd thee mids show lig a father teu 'em? Thee shetn git away vrom me, yèu scàulus oseburd! I'll volly thee ivery place, and cry op thee wickedness 'gin I've asàrd thee out, an' 'gin I've amade thee zwing. Rascal, I sheud like vur to mak thee zwing vor't, an' that I sheud.

Ner. Wilt not bloosh to spaik yon words, an' to tak no thowt o'th kissin' o' yon poor cheel? Thou'lt not get clear o' ma claws; aa can tell thee! an spoit o' thy showin' thy teeth, aa'l mak thee know 'at aa'm thy woif, an' aa'l mak thee hang for it.

Chi. Fayther! fayther! fayther!

Mr. Pour. Help! help! Where shall I run?

Oro. Go; you will do right to have him punished, and he richly deserves to be hanged.

SCENE XI. – SBRIGANI (alone)

Everything has been done according to my wish, and is succeeding admirably. We will so weary out our provincial that he will only be too thankful to leave the place.

SCENE XII. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI

Mr. Pour. Ah! I am murdered! What vexation! What a cursed town! Assassinated everywhere!

Sbri. What is it, Sir? Has anything new happened?

Mr. Pour. Yes; it rains doctors and women in this country.

Sbri. How is that?

Mr. Pour. Two jabbering jades have just been accusing me of being married to both of them, and have threatened me with justice.

Sbri. This is a bad business, for in this country justice is terribly rigorous against that sort of crime.

Mr. Pour. Yes; but even if there should be information, citation, decree, and verdict obtained by surprise, default, and contumacy, I have still the alternative of a conflict of jurisdiction to gain time, and a resort to the means of nullity that will be found in the court case.

Sbri. The very terms, and it is easy to see that you are in the profession, Sir.

Mr. Pour. I? Certainly not; I am a gentleman.14

Sbri. But to speak as you do, you must have studied the law.

Mr. Pour. Not at all. It is only common sense which tells me that I shall always be admitted to be justified by facts, and that I could not be condemned upon a simple accusation, without witnesses, evidence, and confrontation with my adverse party.

Sbri. This is more clever still.

Mr. Pour. These words come into my head without my knowledge.

Sbri. It seems to me that the common sense of a gentleman may go so far as to understand what belongs to right and the order of justice, but not to know the very terms of chicane.

Mr. Pour. They are a few words I remember from reading novels.

Sbri. Ah! I see.

Mr. Pour. To show you that I understand nothing of chicane, I beg of you to take me to a lawyer to have advice upon this affair.

Sbri. Willingly. I will take you to two very clever men; but, first, I must tell you not to be surprised at their manner of speaking. They have contracted at the bar a certain habit of declaiming which looks like singing, and you would think all they tell you is nothing but music.

Mr. Pour. It does not matter how they speak, as long as they tell me what I wish to know!

SCENE XIII. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, TWO LAWYERS, TWO ATTORNEYS, TWO SERGEANTS

1st Lawyer (drawling out his words)Polygamy's a case, you find,A case of hanging.2nd Lawyer (singing and speaking very fast)Your deedIs plain and clear,And all the gearOf wigs and lawUpon this flawOne verdict bear.Consult our authors,Legislators and glossators,Justinian, Papinian,Ulpian and Tribonian,Fernand, Rebuffe, Jean Imole,Paul Castro, Julian Barthole, 15Jason, Aloyat, and CujasThat mighty mind!Polygamy's a case, you'll find,A case of hanging.Ballet, while the 2nd Lawyer sings as beforeAll nations civilised,French, Dutch, and English,Portuguese, Germans, Flemish,Italians and Spanish,By wisdom's sceptre swayed,For this the self-same law have made.The affair allows no doubt,Polygamy's a case,A case of hanging.(Mr. de Pourceaugnac, irritated, drives them all away.)

ACT III

SCENE I. – ÉRASTE, SBRIGANI

Sbri. Yes; everything is succeeding splendidly; and as his knowledge of things is very shallow, and his understanding of the poorest, I put him in such a terrible fright at the severity of the law in this country, and at the preparations which were already set on foot to put him to death,16 that he is determined to run away, and in order the better to escape from the people who, I have told him, are placed at the city gates to stop him, he has decided upon disguising himself as a woman.

Era. How I should like to see him dressed up in that way!

Sbri. Take care you carry out the farce properly; and whilst I go through my parts with him, you go and … (Whispers to him.) You understand, don't you?

Era. Yes.

Sbri. And when I have taken him where I mean… (Whispers.)

Era. All right.

Sbri. And when the father has been forewarned by me… (Whispers.)

Era. Nothing could be better.

Sbri. Here is our young lady. Go quickly; she must not see us together.

SCENE II. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC (as a lady), SBRIGANI

Sbri. For my part, I don't think any one can know you, and you look exactly like a lady of birth.

Mr. Pour. I am so astonished that in this province the forms of justice should not be observed.

Sbri. Yes; as I have already told you, they begin by hanging a man, and try him afterwards.

Mr. Pour. What unjust justice!

Sbri. It is devilishly severe, particularly on this kind of crime.

Mr. Pour. Still, when one is innocent?

Sbri. Ah me! They care little for that, and, besides, they have here a most intolerable hatred for the people of your province; and nothing gives them more pleasure than to hang a man from Limoges. 17

Mr. Pour. What have the people from Limoges done to them?

Sbri. How do I know? They are downright brutes, enemies to all the gentility and merit of other cities. For my part, I am in the greatest fear on your account, and I should never comfort myself if you were hanged.

Mr. Pour. It is not so much the fear of death that urges me to fly as the fact of being hanged, for it is a most degrading thing for a gentleman, and would ruin one's title of nobility.

Sbri. You are right; after such a thing they would contest your right of bearing a title of nobility.18 But, be careful, when I lead you by the hand, to walk like a woman, and to assume the manners and the language of a lady of quality.

Mr. Pour. Leave that to me; I have seen people of high standing in the world. The only thing that troubles me is that I have somewhat of a beard.

Sbri. Oh! it's not worth mentioning. There are many women who have as much. Now, let us just see how you will behave yourself. (Mr. de Pourceaugnac mimics a lady of rank.) Good.

Mr. Pour. Why, my carriage is not here! Where is my carriage? Gracious me! how wretched to have such attendants! Shall I have to wait all day in the street? Will not some one call my carriage for me?

Sbri. Very good.

Mr. Pour. Soho! there, coachman. Little page! Ah! little rogue, what a whipping you will get by and by! Little page-boy! little page-boy! Where in the world is that page-boy? Will that little page never be found? Will nobody call that little page for me? Is my little page nowhere to be found?

Sbri. Marvellous! But there is one thing that I see does not do. This hood is a little too thin; I must go and fetch you a thicker one, to hide your face better in case of any accident.

Mr. Pour. What shall I do in the meantime?

Sbri. Wait for me here. I will be back in a moment; you have only to walk about.

(Mr. de Pourceaugnac walks forward and backward on the stage, mimicking the lady of rank.)

SCENE III. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, TWO SWISS

1st Swiss. (without seeing Mr. de Pourceaugnac ). Come you, make haste, mein comrad, ve vill, both of us, go to ze market-place; to zee dis Porcegnac at de chustice, which him contemns to pe hung py de neck.

2nd Swiss. (without seeing Mr. de Pourceaugnac ). Ve moost hire one vindow to zee dis chustice.

1st Swiss. Man says dat zey alreaty a great new gallow plant hafe, to hang dis Porcegnac to it.

2nd Swiss. It will pe, yes, a great pleazure to see dis Limossin hung.

1st Swiss. Ja! to see him vaggle de feet up zere pefor all de peoples!

2nd Swiss. He pe one funny man, he pe; man says dat he married dree times hafe.

1st Swiss. Ze room fellow! he vant dree wifes all to himself! one fery much pe quite enough for him.

2nd Swiss. (perceiving Mr. de Pourceaugnac.) Ah! goot tay, missy.

1st Swiss. Vat do you zere all by self.

Mr. Pour. I am waiting for my servants, gentlemen.

2nd Swiss. You pe prooty, missy?

Mr. Pour. Gently, sirs.

1st Swiss. Missy, vill you come and amuse you on de market-place? Ve will make you zee one little hanging fery prooty.

Mr. Pour. I am much obliged to you.

2nd Swiss. It is a Limossin chentleman vat will hung pe fery prootily at a great gallow.

Mr. Pour. I am not desirous to see it.

1st Swiss. You hafe one much funny prest…

Mr. Pour. Ah! this is too much! and such odious things are not said to a woman of my position.

2nd Swiss. You go avay.

1st Swiss. Me vill let not you.

2nd Swiss. Put I vill, I tell ye. (Both lay hold of Mr. de Pourceaugnac roughly.)

1st Swiss. I vill not let you.

2nd Swiss. You hafe told one fery mooch lie.

1st Swiss. You hafe told one lie yourself.

Mr. Pour. Help! help! police!

SCENE IV. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, THREE POLICE OFFICERS, TWO SWISS

Off. What is it? what is the meaning of this violence? and what are you doing to this lady? Be off at once, unless you wish to be put in prison.

1st Swiss. Goot, you gone, you vill not hafe her.

2nd Swiss. Goot, you gone too, you vill not hafe her also.

SCENE V. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, THREE POLICE OFFICERS

Mr. Pour. I am much obliged to you, Sir, for saving me from those insolent fellows.

Off. Oh! oh! This is a face which is deucedly like that which was described to me.

Mr. Pour. It is not I, I assure you.

Off. Oh! oh! what does this mean?

Mr. Pour. I don't know.

Off. What is it, then, that makes you say that?

Mr. Pour. Nothing.

Off. This manner of speaking is somewhat ambiguous, and you are my prisoner.

Mr. Pour. O, Sir, I pray!

Off. No, no; to judge by your appearance and your manner of speaking, you must be that Mr. de Pourceaugnac we are looking for, although you are disguised in this manner, and you must come to prison at once.

Mr. Pour. Alas!

SCENE VI. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, THREE POLICE OFFICERS

Sbri. (to Mr. de Pourceaugnac ). Heavens! what does this mean?

Mr. Pour. They have discovered who I am.

Off. Yes, yes; I am delighted about it.

Sbri. (to the Officer). Ah, Sir! for my sake! do not take him to prison; you know that we have been friends a long while.

Off. I cannot help it.

Sbri. You are a man to hear reason. Is there no way of adjusting this matter with the help of a few pistoles?

Off. (to his subordinates). Go farther back.

SCENE VII. – MR. DE POURCEAUGNAC, SBRIGANI, A POLICE OFFICER

Sbri. (to Mr. de Pourceaugnac ). You must give him some money for him to let you go. Be quick.

Mr. Pour. (giving some money to Sbrigani). Ah! cursed place.

Sbri. Here, Sir.

Off. How much is there?

Sbri. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Off. No; I have express orders.

Sbri. (to the Officer, who is going). Pray wait. (To Mr. de Pourceaugnac) Be quick, give him as much again.

Mr. Pour. But …

Sbri. Be quick, I tell you; don't waste time; you would be happy, would you not, if you were hanged?

Mr. Pour. Ah! (Gives more money to Sbrigani.)

Sbri. (to the Officer). Here, Sir.

Off. (to Sbrigani). I must go off with him, for I should not be in safety here after this. Leave him to me, and don't stir from this place.

Sbri. I beg of you to take the utmost care of him.

Off. I promise you not to leave him one moment till I see him safe.

Mr. Pour. (to Sbrigani). Farewell! This is the first honest man I have found in this town.

SCENE VIII. – ORONTE, SBRIGANI

Sbri. (affecting not to see Oronte). Ah! What a strange adventure! What terrible news for a father! Poor Oronte, how much I pity you! What will you say? How will you ever be able to bear with such a misfortune?

Oro. What is it? Of what misfortune do you speak?

Sbri. Ah, Sir! This wretch of a Limousin has run away with your daughter!

Oro. Run away with my daughter!

Sbri. Yes; she became so infatuated with him that she has left you to follow him. It is said that he has a charm to make all women fall in love with him.

Oro. Quick! Justice! Let the police be set after them!

SCENE IX. – ORONTE, ÉRASTE, JULIA, SBRIGANI

Era. (to Julia). Come along; you shall come in spite of yourself. I will put you in your father's hands. Sir, here is your daughter, whom I had to take by force from the man with whom she was running away; it is not for her sake that I did it, but entirely for yours. For, after such conduct, I ought to despise her, and it is enough to cure me altogether of my love.

Oro. Ah! infamous girl that you are!

Era. (to Julia). How could you treat me in that way, after all the proofs of affection I have given you? I do not blame you for being obedient to your father's will; he is wise and judicious in all he does; and I do not complain of him for having preferred another to me. They told him that that other man was richer than I by four or five thousand crowns, and four or five thousand crowns are a good round sum, and are enough to make a gentleman break his word; but that you should forget in a moment all the love I had for you, suffer yourself to fall madly in love with the first new-comer, and shamefully follow him; without the consent of your father, after all the crimes that were charged upon him! It is what all the world will condemn, and what my heart can never cease to reproach you with.

Jul. Well, yes; I fell in love with him, and I wanted to follow him, since my father had chosen him to be my husband. Whatever you may say, he is a very honest man, and all the crimes they accuse him of are so many detestable falsehoods.

Oro. Be silent; you are an impertinent hussy, and I know better than you.

Jul. They are some tricks they have played him, and (showing Éraste) it is he himself, no doubt, who managed it all, to disgust you with him.

Era. What! I should be capable of such a thing?

Jul. Yes, you.

Oro. Be silent, I tell you. You are a silly girl.

Era. You need not think that I have any wish to prevent the match, and that it is because I love you that I hastened to rescue you. I have already told you that it is only because of the regard I have for your father. I could not bear to see an honourable man exposed to the shame of all the gossip that would be occasioned by such an action.

Oro. I am truly and sincerely obliged to you, Sir.

Era. Farewell, Sir! I had the greatest desire to enter into your family; I did everything to deserve such an honour; but I have been unfortunate, and you did not judge me worthy of that honour. It will not prevent me from retaining towards you all those feelings of esteem and regard which your person demands; and although I cannot be your son-in-law, I shall always be at your service.

Oro. Stay. Your behaviour touches my heart, and I give you my daughter in marriage.

Jul. I won't have any other husband than Mr. de Pourceaugnac.

Oro. And I will have you marry Éraste at once.

Jul. No; I will not.

Oro. I shall give it you about the ears.

Era. No, no, Sir; don't use violence towards her, I pray you.

Oro. I will have her obey me, and I will show her that I am the master.

Era. Do you not see how fast in love she is with that man; and would you have me possess the body while another has the heart?

Oro. He has thrown some charm upon her. You may be sure that she will change before long. Give me your hand. Come.

Jul. No!

Oro. Ah! What, rebellion! Your hand, I tell you, at once. Ah!

Era. Do not think that it is because of my love for you that I agree to marry you; it is your father only I am in love with, and it is him whom I marry.

Oro. I am truly obliged to you, and I add ten thousand crowns to my daughter's portion. Quick; a notary to draw up the contract.

Era. In the meanwhile, let us enjoy the pleasures of the season, and fetch in those masks whom the report of Mr. de Pourceaugnac's wedding has attracted hither.

SCENE X. – A BALLET

1

Pourceaugnac equals pourceau, "a young pig," plus the local ending -gnac.

2

Compare the "royal cautery" in 'The Flying Doctor'.

3

Sbrigani and Nérine are merely the conventional rogues of the stage. Compare Mascarille, Scapin.

4

Compare act ii. scene xii.

5

The Neapolitans had no great reputation for sincerity.

6

Mode de la cour pour la campagne.

7

Consul in the south equalled échevin in the north. Both words are obsolete in this sense.

8

Ma croix de par Dieu, "my Christ-cross-row," or "Criss-cross-row," in old and provincial English.

9

Translation:

The Two PhysiciansGood day, good day, good day!Yield not yourself a preyTo melancholy sway.We'll make you laugh, I trow,With songs harmonious, gay.Unto us your cure is dear,For that alone we're here.Good day, good day, good day!1st PhysicianNought else is madness trueSave melancholy blue.Not lost is he,Though sick he be,Who sips of mirth the dew.Nought else is madness trueSave melancholy blue.2nd PhysicianUp then! sing loud, and dance and play,"Better still I'd do!" you say.Delirium's nigh – if you must pine,Take first some wine;And sometimes, too, take your tabàcRight joyfully, Monsu Pourceaugnac.