“How long can you be offended, Inna? Yes, I was wrong! Although I’ve been holding back for so long! Just think, only once I was jealous of our child! Yes, because you spent too much time on him and paid no attention to me! I was very hurt, really! Well, I’m sorry!”

Yuri looked at Inna with such a plaintive look, but… she remained silent. And he could hardly restrain himself, since men don’t cry.

***

In winter, almost every evening, in addition to ice cream, Yuri brought her also tangerines. Inna must have been fond of them as well, but… she continued to be silent. She was so cold… of course…

***

And then spring came. When everything frozen begins to melt, and it seemed to Yuri that Inna was about to melt, too! He came to her with hope, but she was still cold.

“Have pity on me!” Yuri shouted. “Listen to me! I can’t go on like this! I can’t live without you! I feel like I’m going crazy! I’ll take you away from here and make you happy! Just come back to me please! Well, forgive me!!!”

At that moment, I couldn’t stand it anymore. You never know what one would do in such a state! I stepped away from the surveillance video camera and, fastening my bulletproof vest on the go, went to the client.

Yuri turned around as I opened the door and greeted me with a nod.

“Have a nice evening you too!” I said. “So, have you made your mind? Are we going to renew the contract?”

Yuri was still in a state of trance, fiddling with the edge of his jacket with nervous fingers.

“Have you brought me the money for your ice cream?” I added a passphrase to speed up the process.

Yuri involuntarily shuddered and even somehow cringed, but then he immediately grabbed and opened the briefcase, filled with bundles of foreign banknotes.

“Yes, yes … of course … yes … here you are…”

…And have you really thought that the maintenance of my underground business “Cold Storage at Boris’ garage” is cheap? However, the rich have their own quirks, especially if they are going crazy, I mean, their madness, and, of course, the money is not lying on the road!

“I’m very tired,” Yuri whispered and sobbed, “well, forgive me, Inna, forgive me! I love you! Please open your eyes! Look at me! Give me your hand! Get up! Let’s go home! Come on… Let’s go!”

In the ensuing deathly silence, Yuri cast a desperate glance at Inna to see once more her thin cold hands, which had once gently caressed him; her pale, dear to the point of pain and yet already someone else’s face; her petrified lips, he lacked so much. He couldn’t see only her eyes and the scars beneath her dress, left by his numerous stabbings made in search of a heart…

June 26, 1998

5. Cranberries

I loved my Mummy and cranberries in the swamp, and Masha adored Lapland deer fillet and French snails in a cafe on Rublyovka. How didn’t I guess right away that nothing good would come of it again?

I was ten years older than her, not a bad age difference to make a girl obedient in everything, but I was awfully mistaken! Masha didn’t consider me a genius, and, even worse, she turned out to be completely unlike Mummy, although I checked their birthdays in advance before going on ‘the offensive’, that is, to get acquainted!

Why not? At that time, I was an enviable groom! – unburdened by children and free of alimony, with real estate in a swamp! A handsome man in his prime! Mummy had just died, so our meeting with Masha seemed very appropriate!

As for my ex-wife, everything had gone wrong immediately, because my parents, especially Mummy, didn’t like her. However, we had lived together for several years. Yes, we’d got a son, but I never considered him as my child! Not because I wasn’t his father (unimaginable!), I just didn’t feel anything for him, whether he was or not.

Thank God, I quickly got rid of them both, my wife and my son, and life returned to its previous course… with Mummy! Well, with dad also.

I lived in a beautiful swamp and picked up cranberries. When there were no cranberries in the swamp, I got them out of our fridges, picked in season. If you eat cranberries all the time, you will never get sick! That’s what Mummy said. It’s an axiom! What is life without cranberries?

Masha seemed to be so quiet, so obedient, so … like Mummy! For some reason, she loved Lapland deer fillet and French snails! I couldn’t understand why! And, apparently, I will never do. Why should I sponsor a cafe on Rublyovka? After all, one needs, at least, to work for this. Was I a fool, or what, to work? I had never worked. As soon as I graduated from the institute, or rather dropped out, I never worked! Are you still plowing?

I was a free artist. I created pictures and poems. Like Mummy! Yes, she always wrote something at night in her diary. I used to show her my poems. And she liked them. She always praised me. And once she said that I became a poet. So, I was a poet. Did Pushkin really work? No, he was creating! And so did I! To create poetry, one needs peace, no other work. Therefore, I quit the aviation institute as soon as Mummy considered me as a poet, and bought myself a disability!

My ex-wife, like most people, ‘plowed for her boss’, while I wondered, why the Muse visited me so rarely. However, it would be a sin to complain! In thirty-odd years I had written as many as 200 poems, but, of course, that’s nothing compared to the quantity of cranberries I’d picked up, measured in kilograms or in fridges where they were stored off-season.

So, one day I met Masha. In the swamp. Picking cranberries. I had a house in the swamp. There, you know, it was a huge no one’s land. Well… not no one’s, but wanted by nobody. Mummy was born in those swamps, however, their house hadn’t survived. I decided to make a gift to Mummy, so I built a small house on the no one’s land, almost a hut, but with a stove! For my Mummy and me. Well, for dad also. And when Mummy died, a place for Masha was vacated in the hut. Or rather, for someone who would be like Mummy and love cranberries. So, one day I was picking cranberries and noticed Masha.

I could see through people and immediately realized that Masha was also a poet. She was looking for her Muse in my swamp! I came up to her, we got talking. I suggested picking cranberries together. In cranberry season. And out of season, getting berries from my fridge. Rather, I had several refrigerators, hidden in the swamp, I think I’ve already told you, I’d got them specifically for cranberries.

Masha laughed for some reason. Did I say something funny?! It was the first sign from Heaven that she was not like Mummy! Mummy had never laughed at me! Okay, I supposed that Masha was flirting with me like that and forgave her for the first time.

However, Masha really wrote poetry! I’ve told you I could see right through people! And she gave me her book. About ghosts! Wow! And I immediately passed it to my dad for verification… whether he would like her poetry or not. As a result, dad blessed me, and I went on the offensive!

Masha lived in the city. Sometimes in summer she stopped at a cafe on Rublyovka to eat a fillet of Lapland deer or French snails, and she came to my swamp by chance, while visiting distant relatives.

So… I accomplished a feat! I had to come to the city from my swamp in order to walk Masha along Tverskaya street in the evening. You see, in winter, Masha was ‘plowing for her boss’ in a bookstore… to eat Lapland deer fillets and French snails occasionally in summer!

I remember we walked from Mayakovskaya to the Kremlin, discussing many details important to me. I asked where her mother had been buried and told about Mummy’s funeral. On the stretch from Mayakovskaya to Pushkinskaya, we discussed cemeteries, where the Muses were found, like in swamps, and from Pushkinskaya to the Kremlin, we talked about cranberries.

I must have awakened Masha’s appetite, but – God forgive me! – I didn’t pay much attention to the second sign from Heaven, I mean, Masha hinted that it would be nice to go to a cafe! To eat near the Kremlin or even on Tverskaya?! Thank you! Mummy had never eaten outside at all, not to mention Tverskaya or near the Kremlin! However, instead of saying goodbye to Masha immediately and forever, I pretended not to notice her desire to have a bite. I brought her to the subway and returned to my swamp. By the way, I drive an antique parent’s car! Mummy loved it very much, so do I!

The cranberry season was still far away… and I felt sad. I sent Masha a letter from the swamp. And she dared to write me back… nothing!!! Then I got angry and sent her a postscript, “And just dare to say something bad about my mother! I will kill you!”

Okay, Masha hadn’t said anything bad about Mummy at that time, but I decided to warn her in advance, just to let her know! I hadn’t warned my ex-wife. And when, after several years of our life together, she dared to say that Mummy should finally let us live separately… Imagine! Who would have thought! How many years I had endured her!

However, Masha was silent again! I saw that she had received and read my message and the postscript to it!

I got furious!!! Mummy had reacted to all my messages with lightning speed! So I decided, knowing where and until what hour Masha worked, to secretly follow her in the evenings – from her office to her home – to see if my passion had anyone to eat together Lapland deer fillets and French snails!

Thank God, Masha and I had nothing special at that time, I mean, I hadn’t even touched her with a finger, not to mention all sorts of snails tenderness. Anyway, I had accomplished a whole step, driving Mummy’s favorite car from the swamp to the city and back only to walk Masha along Tverskaya that evening!

I settled in with some homeless bums in the basement opposite Masha’s house. Well, it was okay, I could bear it, since I started it for a good cause, to get know what to do with Masha… I told my dad that I was on a secret mission of special services, so I would be absent in our swamp for a while.

And so… a week later… I noticed that Masha met some sort of a girl of her age!.. And they went to a cafe… near the Kremlin!!!

“What a shit?! How did she dare to change me for a girl??? Mummy! Forgive me! Sorry! I dared to imagine that Masha is like you!!!”

I returned to the swamp and wept! The bright memory of my holy Mummy was instantly desecrated by the mere thought of a possible connection with such a dirty and vicious Masha! How could I have allowed such a sacrilegious black stain to appear?! Shit! It needed to be removed immediately! Once and forever!!!

That evening I went to the city and ambushed Masha, who was returning home from work, at the entrance to her house. She even smiled at seeing me and said “Hi”, as if we had seen each other the day before. I suggested talking in Mummy’s car. And – how lucky I was! – she agreed.

Of course, Masha said I was crazy, because that girl of her age had been just her cousin. But did Masha’s words give a 100% guarantee that there had been nothing between them – well, you know, what I mean! – when I returned to the swamp out of grief…

I didn’t go to a cafe even with my brother! I hadn’t seen him in ages. Since he got married. Yes, he was a traitor! Left Mummy! Swapped her for some…

Sorry, I was distracted from Masha!

She could tell me anything just to escape, as I had caught her like a bird in a cage, locking in Mummy’s favorite car, but Masha was completely different from Mummy! And I couldn’t… just couldn’t do otherwise! After all, Mummy had promised to watch over me from Heaven and to be always nearby! So, she knew that I… fell for Masha and imagined her in the place of Mummy!!! Oh, my God!!! Just the thought of it drove me crazy!

I took Masha to the swamp (naturally, we didn’t go into our family hut, so as not to desecrate it!), and then, when that disgustingly vicious woman was already dead, I got myself cranberries from the fridge and ate, and ate, and ate them so that not to catch a cold after another stress! – as Mummy had always advised…

April 02, 2021

6. Coffee

I was composing an important letter in the office, when the phone rang again. An excited female voice asked for Vladislav.

“Excuse me, could you introduce yourself?” I asked.

“His wife…”

I tried not to show up my surprise and keep calm at least outwardly. Firstly, she used to call him on his mobile, never to the office. Secondly, Vlad planned to spend that day negotiating at the bank since morning. Didn’t she know? But there was no time to think.

“Hello, Marina! It’s Vika. Vladislav is at the bank. I’m not sure he’ll show up in the office. Can I help you?”

“Yes,” she said, still excited. “I called on his mobile, it’s switched off, I left him a message. The alarm went off in our flat. I’m scared!”

“The negotiations won’t be over until lunchtime. Anyway, Vladislav will certainly listen to your message. Of course, I can call him too, but if the phone is switched off …”

“I’m so scared, Vika! Could you come over right now? Please!”

“Okay,” I reluctantly agreed, since they lived a couple of minutes from the office, and it would be more expensive to resist.

“I am waiting for you at the entrance! Thanks!” Marina breathed a sigh of relief.

I called Vlad, but the answering machine turned on.

“Your wife’s called. She’s asked me to come to your house immediately. Well, I’m going…”

***

“Hello, Vika! I’m very embarrassed! I met our neighbor, and he helped me with this damn alarm! So, everything is fine, it just went off by accident! Sorry for disturbing you!”

“Not a big deal! I am glad that’s all right! To be honest, I understand nothing in alarm systems,” I exhaled and was about to turn back and leave, as Marina stopped me.

“Vika, I don’t feel comfortable! Come in for a while! Let’s drink coffee! I’ll treat you to something delicious!” she offered smiling.

“No, no, I have to go back to the office!” I said, squeezing out a smile in return.

“Your office can wait! Moreover, your boss is at the bank! Let’s go, come on! I won’t let you off so easily now!”

I wasn’t too keen on going into their flat, although I had never been there before. I was even more embarrassed by the prospect of the upcoming conversation. A couple of years ago, when Marina and I had got acquainted, I tried to chat with her on general topics, but, as it turned out, we had really not much to talk about, besides, I was afraid to say something extra, so we ended up drinking coffee in silence.

However, she almost dragged me into the entrance.

We got up to their flat. Marina invited me into the kitchen. I was looking at the collection of souvenirs on the open shelves without much interest, while she brewed coffee.

“How are you?” Marina suddenly broke the silence.

“I wonder who she means saying ‘you’? ” flashed through my head, but I tried to respond neutrally, “Everything is just as usual.”

“Vlad said that a business trip to Finland is planned.”

“Yes, but no dates have been set yet.”

We sat down at the kitchen table. Marina silently offered to clink the cups. I didn’t resist.

“When are the negotiations supposed to be over?” she asked, taking her first sip and glancing at her watch.

“I don’t know, probably soon,” I answered and felt a sharp pain in my stomach, once again remembering the doctors’ advice to forget about such a wonderful drink.

“Vika, do you believe in life after death?” Marina suddenly asked and picked me up, as I was losing consciousness from pain. “Come with me!”

The pain left me as abruptly as it had appeared. I got up from the floor and followed Marina into the living room. She stopped by the window.

“Now there is nothing to fear and lose,” she said without looking into my eyes. “Why did you need him?”

“I don’t know what to answer you…”

I knew what to answer her. I loved Vlad. Not for anything. And that’s why I didn’t care what status to be next to him. Did Vlad love me? A great question. Anyway, I had never asked him to divorce his wife, realizing that he got used to her. I didn’t wish them any harm.

“God sees everything, Vika. He should have punished you both. You can’t imagine how much I hate you! However, God will forgive me for what I’ve done,” Marina began to sob like a kid.

“What have you done?” I got surprised and, from a bad feeling, I immediately turned to Vlad mentally, “Please, come here quickly! Your Marina is going to eat me now!”

“I know he wouldn’t leave you! Yes, I’ve never loved him, since it was a marriage of convenience, but he had no right! No right!!!”

“Calm down, please!” I didn’t know what to say in such cases.

“I couldn’t live like this! Could not! He had to lose us both!!!”

Suddenly we heard rushing footsteps on the stairs, and the front door slammed.

“Marina! Vika!” Vlad shouted out of breath, “are you there?”

Marina froze in silence, turning to the window, and I ran out into the corridor.

“It’s nice of you to come!” I exclaimed.

Vlad didn’t seem to hear me, heading for the kitchen quickly.

“We are here!” I shouted again. However, frozen at the ajar door, Vlad didn’t even turn around.

“Marina!!! No, you couldn’t!” he exclaimed without turning to me.

“God must forgive me!” she said coldly, approaching us.

I stood between them, trying in vain to figure out what had happened. Vlad turned around, slammed the kitchen door in my face, and, not paying any attention to us, started pacing back and forth down the corridor, frantically dialing someone’s number on his phone.

“Vlad, what’s wrong?!” I wondered.

“I’ve calculated everything,” Marina said, patting her husband on the shoulder. “It’s too late!”

“Ambulance?” shouted Vlad, getting through.

“What damn ambulance?! What’s wrong with you?” I screamed in his ear.

“He doesn’t hear us,” Marina stated. “However, life after death exists indeed.”

May, 2002

7. Intergalactic Union of Writers

The path to my glory was easy enough, since I was incredibly lucky!

However, it all started with the fact that I was born exceptionally ugly and short. My twin sister, Maya, on the contrary, turned out to be pretty, and short stature for a girl is more of a plus than a minus. Everyone liked Maya and turned up their noses at me. No matter how much I tried to please people, to get their attention, it was all in vain. Even heavy shoes with thick soles didn’t add to my weight or height.

That’s the way I became a writer. I got myself a vest in the form of a diary, to which I trusted my intimate sufferings from non-reciprocity, but after the first rhyme that came to mind, I changed my shoes into a poet. Soon I discovered plenty of websites where one could post one’s masterpieces. As a result, after painful swings between pros and cons, because at that time I wasn’t sure yet of the excellence of my works, I nevertheless registered the profile, uploaded a picture of a handsome man and my first verse, the “Unrecognized Genius, or The Rejected”.

Incredibly, I was instantly hit by a flurry of positive responses, including declarations of love from women of all ages, suits and calibers!

They began to invite me to events at literary associations and circles, to performances in museums, libraries, schools and even kindergartens, which at first I was naturally embarrassed, because the picture of a nameless handsome man, posted by me on the Internet, was radically different from my reflection in the mirror.

However, Pushkin, you know, was outwardly also for an amateur…

So, I got onto stage! I was applauded by the arenas! Women asked for an autographed book, composed and sang songs based on my poems, snuggled up to me in collective photos and hinted in every possible way that they wouldn’t mind getting to know me better. Anyway, there were no men in literary units, with the exception of a few pensioners and chronic alcoholics, against the background of which I looked like a fairy-tale prince. And yes, I enjoyed it! That was something quite different from being home, among relatives, or in the office at work…

Soon, a retired lady in love with me gave me a recommendation to join the Union of Writers of the City, I printed two books of the ‘chosen lyrics’, submitted them with the recommendation, to the admission committee, and… was accepted! Wow! Accepted! They said that my lyrics shocked them to the core, especially the poem “Unrecognized Genius”.

However, the second old woman in love with me was jealous of the first one and invited me to join the City Union of Writers. You may ask, what’s the difference between the Union of Writers of the City and the City Union of Writers? I still don’t understand that myself, but the old lady said that the City Union of Writers was quoted higher. So I deserved the best!

Within five years, I was accepted into all the existing literary associations and Writers’ Unions, which headquarters were located in our city and on its outskirts, each of them considered itself much cooler than all the others put together.

I dutifully paid my annual dues. And more and more often, I received letters with nominations for numerous competitions, in which I always… won! Traditionally, each selection of my poems for any competition began with the “Unrecognized Genius”, already a 100% verified masterpiece, my calling card in contemporary poetry. And rather, in literature in general, what is there to hide, since my “Unrecognized Genius” was awarded not only the Alexander Pushkin Prize, but also won the Leo Tolstoy, Nikolai Gogol and Anton Pavlovich Chekhov competitions! Of course, I asked the organizers of the competitions to take into consideration for prose writers’ awards my diary prose instead of poetry, but I was immediately assured that my poetry was so large-scale and profound that the greatest prose masters of the world would have been happy to give me all their orders and medals!

And after these words, I finally discarded the last doubts in myself!

After five years of rotation in literary circles, there was no free space left on my jacket! It glistened with gold, pleasantly rang with glory and, like a magnet, attracted almost every literary woman without exception. And once I wore this jacket to an office party. And – wow, yes! It was my ‘minute of glory’!

Only stupid Maya laughed at me! She considered my poems worthless in meaning and ugly in rhymes! She said that Tolstoy, Gogol and Chekhov, together with Pushkin and others like them, had long dreamed of meeting me in the Other World in order to send me to Hell for a frying pan, because all my awards were given not for the quality of works and not for me alone, but for money to everyone.

I tried to explain to my sister that we lived in a commercial society, the writers’ unions had not been funded by the state for a long time, so they were forced to encourage authors at the expense of the very same authors. Victories in national competitions and government awards were given only to “their own”, and, for sure, they cost much more. However, Maya wasn’t lazy to calculate how much money I had spent on my literary activities in five years, and assured me that a cottage by the sea in Europe cost much cheaper!

Oh, Europe… Okay, Maya was right: it was time to conquer Europe, and then Asia, and … the whole world! And – unbelievable! – I found out the Union of European Writers, and then the Union of Writers of Asia, the Union of Writers of Eurasia, and later the Union of Writers of North and South America, Canada, Mexico, Brazil, Peru, Easter Island and the Fiji Islands, Papua and New Guinea, Antarctica and Arctic…

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Tales of Ghosts. Playing Another Reality. Edgar Allan Poe award

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