Billy. Going where darkness fears to tread…

The Transits were the ones Billy saw moving into and out of Life as they checked up on their Reality. As soon as that was gone, so were they. Which helps explain why Billy was always so composed at such a young age. He needed to keep his feet on the ground, metaphorically speaking, but what he knew, what he alone saw and experienced granted a boy maturity beyond anything Life could give. He opened his front gate and walked slowly toward the front door, the front fence, garden and the outside of the house had been completely refurbished. He looked around in wonder.

“Who is it?” was the response to his tentative knock.

Billy didn’t recognise the voice and moved on into the house so he could see. The inside had also changed considerably. New paint, furniture, his Dad’s chair and TV were gone. His room was now a nursery; colourful mobiles hung from the ceiling and gaily painted animals and letters of the alphabet splashed over the walls. He returned and stood beside the woman as she opened the front door, and was greeted by nobody, of course. She peered around, up and down the street and then closed the door.

“Damn kids!” she muttered.

She walked back to the renovated kitchen where Billy had interrupted her cake making. He watched as she hummed to herself and resumed beating the mixture. It felt comfortable and Billy thought he might stay awhile but then shook his head.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid,” he admonished.

The woman stopped beating and frowned. She looked around the kitchen, shook her head herself, and continued beating again. Her humming was softer, more restrained.

Billy looked around the house one more time then went to Tonys’ place. There was no mistaking that Tony still lived there. His room had not changed but his drum kit was bigger and more expensive, as was his sound equipment. Billy sat down at the messy desk and wrote a note, then took a deep breath for his next visit. This was going to be the difficult one. He went to Jens’.

He sat on her bed and looked around the room. Very little had changed but enough to know Jen wasn’t there anymore. Her photos were still there on the wall and the mirror of her dresser, exactly as he remembered them. He saw one of them together at the tennis courts as well. She was so beautiful. He quietly opened a few drawers of her dresser. They were empty. Her wardrobe was empty. Everything was completely empty. The room was like a shell, a facade. It didn’t feel like she had just moved out of home or anything simple like that. Billy thought that she would have taken the photos, and her parents wouldn’t have left her room looking like a mausoleum. Something felt wrong, even smelt wrong. He took one of the smaller photos from the mirror.

He could smell that cake cooking back at home, his old home, and remembered how hungry he was. His note for Tony, if he got it in time, would see them catch up before the weekend was out. Billy went to his other favourite place, the tennis courts, or more precisely, the clubhouse.

It wasn’t small anymore. It had more than doubled in size, and there was six courts now all green concrete with permanent painted lines. A lingering aroma of food remained and Billy assumed that he’d just missed the ladies morning comp. The smell reminded him again of his hunger. That’s the trouble with Life, you have to maintain it or die, or at the very least suffer in some way. There was a fridge and a freezer and a proper kitchen in there no less so he helped myself as well as he could. A frozen steak out of the freezer was soon sizzling on a hot plate. Some left over salad from the fridge went straight into his mouth. He ate the steak half raw and still part frozen in the centre, slapped between two slices of bread warmed over the cooking steak. The juices ran through the bread and made it fall apart but he didn’t care. It was a feast, and he made an appropriate mess eating it!

Billy’s ability to move in and out of Life used to give his Mum and Dad the heebee jeebees that’s for sure! His Mum would be pushing the stroller along only to find her toddler, Billy, gone less than two minutes after she’d strapped him in there! They got used to it eventually, but he remembered the looks of confusion they used to get from hospitals and doctors, counsellors and psychiatrists, as his Mum tried to explain that their “baby’ could disappear and reappear at will! Of course Billy never did it in front of anyone else – nobody would understand!

Before jumping to any conclusions, Billy is not dead. He hasn’t died, been killed, or anything like that. He was just born to it, and whatever or however it happened, not even the guys Over There can tell him why. They look to him with a reverence, naturally, because he is alive, and they are not. To Billy, it is all perfectly natural.

Chapter Ten

“The Reunion”

He checked his watch. It was almost time to meet Tony – if he’d got the message. His watch always read the right time. Reality time that is, but it didn’t work at all on the other side. Billy never questions it – it’s just normal. He went to the all nighter in Ballina, a service station, the only one in town that was open all night. Guess that didn’t need explaining?

When he arrived he mingled into a recently arrived group from a tour bus, a young kid the only one to notice him. It rarely happened, where he appeared in somebody’s focus, and when it did, such is Life, most assume he had always been there! Kids, though, kids are different. They are still questioning Life and normalcy. It wasn’t normal for Billy to have materialised like that right before his eyes. The kid tugged at his mother’s sleeve and she gave Billy a quick cursory glance. There was a busload of people and she hadn’t seen them all on their short leg down from Brisbane. She pulled her kid away sharply and Billy felt sorry for him – she’d probably take him around the corner and give him a belt across the backside now, for lying. Sorry kid!

Billy sat down outside the packed cafeteria and watched. The people moved past him, in and out, making the most of the chance to stretch their legs. Probably the only place busier would be the loos. He saw Tony drive up searching the throng, unable to drive closer than the fuel pumps because of the crowd and the parked bus. Billy blessed him for being reliable and stood up, waving his arms so that he wouldn’t miss him. That was a possibility – Billy hadn’t forgotten his appearance had changed a little, and it had been over four years since Tony had last seen him.

Billy didn’t look like a faggot anymore either. He wasn’t so dumb that he’d left the hospital in those backless gowns they dress you in. Actually, and embarrassingly, he did! He’d forgotten, and that’s why he hadn’t let the lady at his old house see him. Later, he borrowed some of Tonys’ clothes, had his first ever shave – a very painful experience – a shower, spruced up totally. His long, dark hair was clean and brushed. He had to look good for Jen, and Tony of course.

Tony stared at him in amazement before recognition hit home. He leapt out of the car and raced over, hugging Billy embarrassingly in front of everybody. Billy was brought up with little or no physical affection and he was uncomfortable with this scenario. Tony hadn’t grown much, or maybe it was just that Billy had – he stood half a head taller than him. It was fortunate he dressed like a dag so at least his clothes fitted both of them. Tony stood at arms length looking Billy up and down, his hands cupping his shoulders as he carried out his inspection. That Cheshire grin he possessed was plastered right across his face.

“Fucking hell man, that is you in there isn’t it?”

“Of course it’s me you idiot,” Billy told him.

As soon as he heard the retort his smile widened. “It is you! Jeeesarse man, where ya bin, wow, look at you!”

“Let’s get outta here Tone.”

“Yeah, yeah, c’mon, we’ll go down to the Aussie, no somewhere quieter and you can tell me all about it.”

He remained looking at Billy, in awe almost. He had hardly changed, except for a wispy goatee. He chatted non-stop all the way to the pub – only once did he pause, after he mentioned Jen. A quick glance at Billy then he carried on talking as if he’d never stopped. But Billy knew Tony. It may have been almost four and half years for him but it was still only mere months for Billy. There was something about Jen. Something had happened that he didn’t want to talk about. Billy thought about Jen’s bedroom, how empty it had been and made a mental note to bring it up later, but he ran through the possible scenarios. The most likely one was that she was with someone else, married probably. Billy was patient enough. He knew he would find out in due course.

They walked into the pub and Billy was about to make a joke that this was his first time legally on licensed premises. Now that would take some explaining! Their early years familiarising themselves with the interiors of such establishments meant it wasn’t such a big deal anyway. However, like most teenagers, and he still thought of himself as one, Billy had been looking forward to this very occasion. The Aussie, as he had known it, had been flashed up a bit since the last time. Tony had said they would go somewhere quieter but it’s where they ended up. Billy didn’t bother questioning it. Tony had almost exhausted his chat and begun to ask questions. Billy replied as best he could, having quickly prepared some set responses.

“Nah, just shared a flat with some old guy on the Gold Coast for awhile.”

“Yeah, worked around doing odd jobs. No, no singing.”

“Yeah, I was gonna call so many times, but you know, I thought, I didn’t know what to say to you man. Like, I buggered off and all on you, I thought you might hate me!”

“Yeah, I heard about Mum. After the funeral though. You went hoping I was going to be there? Why thanks mate.”

“No, by myself. No sheilas. Have you seen Jen? What? No I haven’t heard. You thought I already knew? About what?”

“So, she married? Got knocked up, had a kid? What?”

Tony was shrinking on his bar stool – if it hadn’t been there he would have been under the table by now. It was very obvious that he did not want to discuss Jen. For some reason he assumed Billy already knew. Billy thought he knew why. Tony would assume that Billy had already contacted her, or kept in contact even.

“Tony?”

“She’s, ah, gone Billy. Coupla years ago now. No! More, longer, same year you left.”

“Gone where?”

“Gone. Gone gone. Um… dead. Killed. God, I’m sorry Billy. I thought you knew. She, she and some, some guy, got killed, down at Riley’s Hill quarry. Murdered. Cut the guys head off too they did! Um, Billy, I’m so sorry man.”

Chapter Eleven

“The Apostle of Girangar”

He stepped through the swirling mist, aware that at any time he must be prepared to act and act quickly. A large rock face became visible in the gloom. Sheltering under a minuscule overhang was the seven of them, huddled together. Their faces reflected mortal fear. There were five men and two women, well perhaps three men and two boys. The women were teenagers themselves. They stood arms around each other for warmth and protection, the act of physical contact salvaging what little semblance of sanity remained. A glimmer of hope shone in some eyes as they saw him approach, confidently stepping through the mire and obviously heading toward them. Salvation! They had been found! Their confidence was boosted by his sudden, soundless appearance.

“Ho” he called to them.

“It’s just a boy,” one of them whispered, one who was barely older himself. “Can you help us?” he said as the figure stopped directly in front of them. The boy that spoke had a comforting arm around one of the girls.

The figure smiled a happy and confident smile and nodded. “I surely can, I surely can. Which one of you is Errol?” he asked looking directly at one of the men.

“That’s me,” Errol acknowledged, a considerable vibrato betrayed his fear.

“Errol, come here,” the boy motioned to a position beside him. Errol stood his ground, looking at the others for support, any support. “Come on Errol, I won’t bite, I promise,” the boy grinned.

Errol slowly detached himself from the group and moved forward. A hand reluctantly released his shirt. His steps were slow and his body trembled. He faced the boy but turned side on so that he could still see the others. The boy appeared to ignore him as he addressed them all again, but to his horror Errol recognized that it was a question meant for he, and he alone to answer. He glanced sharply at the kid.

“How much did you drink tonight?”

“I didn’t, only, had a couple,” he shook even more, the pitch of his voice almost a squeal.

“Try seventeen,” the boy smiled at the group again. “And your two mates there weren’t much better. How did it feel driving with a blood alcohol concentration so high that you could have been considered clinically dead?”

“I, I didn’t, couldn’t …,” Errol turned and addressed the group himself, pleading almost.

“You could and you did,” the boy interrupted conversationally. “And how did it feel when you launched your car off the median strip at seventy-five miles an hour? Did that feel like flying!”

“No, no, I wasn’t…”

“You were, you were flying, and your car still hadn’t hit the ground when it struck these kids standing innocently at a taxi rank. Do you know they had just been out celebrating Julies’, ” he pointed at one of the girls, “sixteenth birthday? You killed them Errol, and your mates, and there is another six people still in hospital because of you Errol. Look at them,” he commanded, as Errol let his chin slump to his chest. “LOOK AT THEM!”

Errol raised his head at the shouted command. He tried to stare defiantly but failed. Everybody stared back, their hate smoldering. One of the other men spoke.

“We’re dead? “Coz of him? We’re dead?”

“Yup!”

“You was drinkin’ just as much as me,” Errol shouted.

“That’s a lie. After I got to the pub, yeah, true, I had three or four, just like you did, but you’d already been there for a couple of hours, and I wasn’t driving,” he responded accusingly. “Seventeen schooners Errol? Man, I knew you drank a bit, but seventeen? You got a real problem.”

“You all have a problem. He killed you all, just as if he’d gone out and bought a gun and shot you down, he killed you. You ALL have a problem now. So what you gonna do about it?”

The boys’ invitation elicited some confused looks and one of the girls, the other girl beside Julie spoke. “Why can’t I cry?”

“Because of him,” he nodded at Errol who now stood hands on hips, defensive, face set. One of his legs still trembled though. “He killed you and now you can’t cry. You can’t cry and you can’t love, but you can hate and you can wreak revenge. So what are you gonna do about it? I said what are you going to do about it?”

There was a pause of a few seconds, then one of the men growled out an oath. “You barstard” and he leapt, smashing Errol to the ground in a flying tackle.

The rest followed, jumping, kicking, punching, even the girls flailed into the melee. Their terror and fear released, there was satisfaction when their nails connected with a face, and not a care about whose face it was! The boy smiled, turned and walked away. He heard Errol utter his last screams of protest, and then the desperate screams of the others as the darkness descended. With the darkness came the lights, many, perhaps hundreds of them. Panic turned to horror as they were set upon. He heard Julie, the sixteen year old, and her final pitiful scream. He imagined the creatures as they consumed her young body. It was a shame; she was pretty and about his age.

“Don’t think like that,” a voice beside him spoke and an arm draped over his shoulders.

The boy didn’t jump. He didn’t even look in the direction of the speaker. He continued to stride confidently down the sloping, wet and broken ground before him.

“How’d I go?”

“You did well, very well. But next time, be more careful about when you invite them to react. You may have to incite them a little more first, but it worked, this time. Girangar was pleased.”

“So he should.”

The boy was stopped by the arm, which grasped at the collar of his cardigan and turned him to face the speaker. “Shhh. Girangar is not a he, nor a she. Refrain from applying gender, or any human title to Girangar.”

The boy looked into the normally smiling face of the speaker, but there was no smile. The speaker was deadly serious, and a little frightened. He had never, ever seen that before in this man.

“Then what do I call, it, him, just Girangar? What is, who is Girangar?”

The smile returned with the man’s reply. “Girangar is everything, the earth, the ocean, the rivers, the mountains, the only true misanthropist.”

“Miss who? I thought you said there was no gender?”

Again, the fear returned. “Shh. You mustn’t. Misanthropist, a true hater of mankind. Now, speak no more. Go back and we will continue your training later.”

“How am I doing?”

“Excellent. Just watch your mouth.”

“When can I come in, you know, go back?”

“You are doing very well but it has only been a year. We shall see.”

“How long does it normally take, this training?”

“For some, a matter of weeks, months, but they are the failures and they are passed on. Normal? Well, there is no normal because there has been so few, but I believe that you should be ready in another three or four year’s maybe. It is but yet early days. Now, no more. Go.”

“Just one more question, please?”

The man smiled. The curiosity of the boy, his maturity, these were the things that were making him a brilliant student – not that he would ever be told that. “Okay, one more question.”

“Why do I have to hide? Why can’t I just be me?”

“That’s two questions. And you know the answer to them both. It’s the element of surprise. Don’t worry, you will understand, by the time it’s necessary for you to know.”

“You don’t know do you?”

“Enough! Go!” And there was no smile in return.

“Really, seriously, I have a last question. Why did you say don’t think that way about the girl?”

“Because it isn’t necessary. When you return to Life and begin again, you will have a girl, or as many girls as you want. They will be at your beck and call, they will all want you, they will see that you are different, unique. But there will be one, a special one that you will want rather than any number of others, and she will look after you. She has been trained to look after you – and she waits for you now.”

“How will I know her?”

“You will know her. She will know you. Don’t worry, you have been fated to meet. It will happen.”

“Can’t wait,” the boy shrugged and moved on.

Chapter Twelve

“Living With Tony”

Billy always knew that Tony was resilient. He’s one in a million. He was on a hiding to nowhere really. He sees Billy for the first time in over four years and accepts him back as if he’d only gone yesterday. Four years without a phone call, a letter or any other bloody thing, and there were no recriminations, no aggro, nothing but acceptance. It was almost the welcoming back of the prodigal son and that’s probably what stopped Billy from going off again after the shock about Jen. Billy felt obligated to stay.

Perhaps before, when he really was a fifteen-year-old kid, Billy wouldn’t have felt the same. Coming to terms with the fact that he was suddenly a twenty year old, an adult, he knew there was a certain way adults are supposed to act. His composure and maturity as a teen stood him in good stead.

Apart from the obvious, like the Ten Commandments, there are the unwritten rules of Life that most people follow and try to engender into their offspring. Not that Billy learnt much like that from his parents. Excuses, excuses, fucking wimp. This moron couldn’t find his way to his own shithouse if he had the worst case of diarrhea imaginable. It’s all bullshit. Yes, bullshit! Duran is the Angel and Girangar will lead us to the new world. So stick your fucking heads down between your knees and kiss your arse goodbye, because we’re coming to get you. And we will. You can’t hide, so there’s no need to panic. Just go. That’s right, go. Ha, go fuck yourself!

Tony was a true friend. After dropping the bombshell about Jen he helped pick Billy up and put him on the road to recovery, so to speak. More or less, that’s what he did. He took Billy home with him, set up the spare bed in his room and that’s where Billy lived from then on. Tony’s parents were cool about it, they were pretty laid back sort of people. They’d always liked Billy and his steadying influence on Tony. Especially after the debacle with their eldest son, who had served his prison term for drug dealing only to get out and re-offend within two weeks, while he was still on probation! Once a fool always a fool, eh!

Tony’s parents even rang the Gold Coast Police and made sure that everything was hunky dory with them, that Billy wasn’t actually wanted for anything. The gist of their response was that a missing person case was the last thing they were worried about, and seeing as he was no longer in Queensland it was out of their jurisdiction anyway. Billy hadn’t expected to make the Top 10 Wanted List or anything but he had been hoping for maybe a couple of answers. At least he was in the clear so to speak.

It took a fair while to get over the shock of Jen. Tony couldn’t understand. It had been four years for him, but only four months for Billy. Billy and Jen had truthfully believed, like so many fifteen year olds do, that they had been meant for each other.

Billy learnt the hard way to embrace and recognise fate otherwise Life is a constant compromise. He knew his Life was different, that he was different. He had grown up alone with that knowledge. Alone except for the guys from the other side. He supposed he was a hypocrite because of what he did, leaving Jen and his Mum. But he felt he hadn’t left them, just went away for a short time to grieve and recuperate. His intention had always been to return. He really believed that she would be there waiting when he came back. He missed her. He continued to grieve for her.

He felt guilty too. If he hadn’t gone away maybe she would be alive today. Billy thought of this often. If that was her fate, to die horribly like that, perhaps that could have been him, you know, the guy with Jen that got decapitated? But Billy knew it wasn’t so.

Billy only knew his destiny did not lie in Life. It wasn’t apparent to him how he knew, he just did. He had to live his Life first to find out. He lay in some sort of middle zone, the only one there that anybody knew about anyway. He was both alive, and not. He is neither here nor over there. He can go here, and there – whenever he liked! But he had to finish his business here before he can find out what is there. Billy was a kid when he began shouldering that knowledge, and to have remained relatively normal to those around him was testimony to his insight and ability. He’s not a kid anymore, or normal. But he was when he digested that much about himself. And as for normal, well, that’s for each individual to decide.

So here he is living with Tony and his parents now. It’s been several weeks and Billy still feels so hollow inside. It’s the most “human’ he’d ever felt. Thankfully, the involuntary tears and sobbing had all but disappeared. He had found that embarrassing after awhile. Jen had been the only one to ever see him cry before and that time had been from happiness. Billy learnt a lot about emotion from the past few weeks, that’s for sure. He had felt and observed enough before so that he could have known, but the grief about his Dad was nothing compared to this. Even having seen more death than anybody can ever imagine. Seen it every single bloody day, almost every minute of every frigging day in fact, in the presence of the transits. But now it was up close and personal, he knew what it really felt like. And wished he hadn’t found out.