Seeing the Elephant

Bias. Das a fac’, das a fac’. Down wid de dust, ole gint, for de dust dat ar bullephant kicked up.

Silas. Never! Not a cent! Get out of my house! You’re a pair of knaves. There is no elephant about here. It’s all a lie. I won’t be swindled. Get out, I say!

Pat. Knave! Look to yersilf, owld gint. It’s not dacent for the likes of yez to call names. A lie? Troth, I’ll jist bring Biddy and the childer to tistify to the truth – so I will.

Silas. Shut up! Clear out! If you want damages, you can have them. I’m getting my dander up, and shall sartinly damage both of yer.

Bias. Don’t you do it, don’t you do it. De law will fix you, old gent.

Pat. Begorra, I’ll spind me intire fortune, but I’ll have justice.

Silas. Are you going?

Pat. To a lawyer, straight. I blush for yez, owld gint, I blush for yez.

[Exit, L.

Bias. Dat ar wagon, and dat ar hoss, and dem ar goods, and de ole lady must be repaired. So de law will tell yez, Massa Somebody. Das a fac’, das a fac’.

[Exit, L.

Harry. This looks like a serious business, Mr. Somerby.

Silas. Confound it, so it does! What can I do? Must I pay all these damages?

Harry. I see no way for you to escape.

Silas. What a fool I have been! For a few hours’ fun I’ve got myself into this scrape. Why, ’twill ruin me. I can never raise the money.

Harry. O, yes, you can, Mr. Somerby. I have plenty. You’d better settle this matter at once, and draw on me freely for money.

Silas. Draw on you? What right have I to do that?

Harry. Give your consent to my marriage with Sally, and I shall consider you have the right. More, I will hunt up these claims, and settle them at once.

Silas. Will you? You’re a splendid fellow! Help me out, if you can; and, if I can get rid of that elephant —

Harry. On one condition I will take him off your hands.

Silas. Take him off my hands? Name your condition.

Harry. That you will give me your solemn promise never to touch liquor again.

Silas. What! Give up my freedom?

Harry. No; be free. You are now the slave of an old custom, “more honored in the breach than the observance.” Don’t let it master you again. Don’t let my wife blush for her father.

Silas. I won’t! There’s my hand. Sally is yours; and I solemnly promise never to break (smash of crockery, L.) – Hullo! What’s that?

Mrs. S. (Outside, L.) O, the monster! Drive him out!

Sally. (Outside, L.) He won’t go. Run, mother, run! (Crash.)

Mrs. S. (Outside, L.) He’s sp’ilt my best dishes! O, the beast! (Enter, L.) O, Silas, this is all your work. That hateful critter’s got into the kitchen.

Enter Sally, L

Sally. O, mother! Harry! father! He’s coming this way! Save us, save us! (Gets under table.)

Mrs. S. Goodness gracious! he’ll set the house afire! (Gets behind sofa.)

Enter Johnny, L

Johnny. Help! murder! O, I’ve had a h’ist! He’s breaking up housekeeping – you bet!

Harry. Be calm, be calm. There’s no danger.

Mrs. S. We shall all be eaten alive. O, the monster!

Silas. Confound him, I’ll pepper him! Let me get my gun! (Going, R.)

Harry. No, no. ’Twould be dangerous to shoot.

Johnny. Let him have a dose, dad.

Harry. No, no. Silence! He’s here!

Enter, L., Pat and Bias, as the elephant. [For description of its manufacture, see note on page 92.] It enters slowly, passes across stage at back, and exit, R.

Mrs. S. O, the monster!

Sally. He’s gone straight into the parlor. He’ll smash everything. O, my vases, my vases!

Silas. (Aside.) Confound the critter, I’ll have one shot at him.

[Exit, R.

Harry. (To Sally.) It’s all right, Sally. I’ve got his promise.

Sally. And we shall be married! Ain’t it jolly?

Mrs. S. But how on airth are you going to git out of this scrape?

Harry. Leave that to me. Hush! he’s here.

Enter Silas, R., with gun

Silas. I’ve had jest about enough of that air critter’s society; and if I don’t pepper him, my name’s not Silas Somerby.

Harry. A gun! (Aside.) This will never do. (Aloud.) Mr. Somerby, your life’s in danger if you fire that gun.

Silas. My dander’s up, and I’m goin’ in.

Mrs. S. Silas, don’t you shoot off that gun. I can’t bear it.

Sally. No, no, father; you must not.

Johnny. Don’t mind ’em, dad; blaze away. (Aside.) By jinks, that’ll be fun! (They all come forward.)

Silas. I’m going to have a shot at the critter, if I die for it. Here he comes again. (Raises gun.)

Mrs. S. Mercy sakes, Silas, you’ll kill somebody!

Harry. You must not shoot, I tell you!

Sally. O, father, don’t! Please don’t! (They all seize him.)

Johnny. Blaze away, dad! Give him fits!

Silas. (Breaking away from them.) Stand back, I say. (Raises gun.)

Enter the elephant, R

Silas. There, darn you! (Fires. Sally and Mrs. S. scream.)

Pat. O, murther, murther! I’m kilt intirely!

Bias. Oo, oo, oo! I’m a gone darky! (The elephant falls, rolls over, and from the debris Bias and Pat emerge, looking very much frightened.)

Pat. (Shaking his fist at Silas.) More damages, be jabers! (To Harry.) I didn’t bargain for this at all.

Bias. Look – look er here, old gent; I ain’t game, no how. Golly! I’m full ob lead!

Silas. What’s this? Have I been duped?

Johnny. Sold again, dad.

Silas. So, so, you’ve been conspiring against me. There’s no damages, and no elephant. This is your work, Harry Holden.

Harry. It is, Mr. Somerby. I freely confess my sin. But I did it for a good purpose. ’Tis true there is no elephant, save the imitation I have manufactured for the occasion; but please remember we came very near having one.

Johnny. Yes, dad, you bid a hundred dollars.

Silas. I breathe again. You’re right. All this might have been true, had my folly had its way. Thanks to Johnny, I was saved. But you carried the joke a little too far. That gun was loaded.

Johnny. Only with powder. I left a charge in it last Fourth, for the blamed thing kicked so I was afraid of it.

Silas. It’s all right. Sally is yours, Harry, and I’ll keep my other promise. I suppose these gentlemen were hired for the occasion.

Pat. By me sowl, not to be peppered at all, at all.

Bias. By golly, dat ar charge almost took away my head.

Harry. So, boys, you got a little more than you bargained for; but I’ll fix that all right.

Silas. I’ll pay all damages there, glad to get off so easily in my adventure with the elephant. I’ve one request to make. Don’t let this story spread.

Harry. You can rely upon my silence.

Mrs. S. Marcy sakes, Silas, it ain’t much to boast on!

Sally. It shall be a family legend.

Pat. Be jabers, I wouldn’t blab till I was deaf and dumb!

Bias. Dis yer pusson can hold his hush.

Silas. Thank you. And you (to audience), can I depend upon you? The old man begins late, but he is bound to reform; and, if you but give your approbation, there is no fear of his backsliding.

Johnny. I say, dad, hadn’t you better put a postscript to that?

Silas. Well, what is – (Johnny whispers to him.) Exactly. There is no fear of his backsliding, unless, at your request, he should some time set out for the purpose of “Seeing the Elephant.”

Note. The Elephant. For this trick a well-known comical diversion can be introduced. Bias and Pat personate the elephant; one represents the fore, the other the hind legs. The two characters bend over, placing themselves one behind the other, as represented in the engraving. A blanket, doubled three or four times, is placed on their backs, with the addition of long cushions, if handy; these serve to form the back of the elephant. Two blankets or shawls are placed over this, the end of one twisted to represent his trunk, the end of the other twisted to represent his tail. Two paper cones enact the tusks, and the elephant is complete.