Grievous Sin

“Doctor, I’ve seen everything in any kind of condition imaginable.”

“It’s different when it’s your wife.”

Cerebrally, he was prepared. Emotionally, he wasn’t. Her complexion was chalky gray, lips so pale they blended with the rest of her skin tone. Her hair had been pulled off her face. What strands did show were limp with perspiration. Her left arm was attached to a board on the bedrail, the underside bruised and milky white. An I.V. was held in place by big white bandages at her wrist. The rest of her body was covered by a bedsheet. Her sleep seemed deep—not a hint of movement under her delicate lids. He’d seen stiffs with better color. That thought gave him a chill.

He was afraid to touch her, afraid she might turn to dust like an antique document. Carefully, he edged his hand toward her cheek, letting it rest above her mouth for just a moment, felt her sweet breath upon his palm. He inched his fingers to her lips, then quickly removed his hand. Biting his lower lip, he pulled a chair by her bedside and broke into the shakes. He knew he should call Rina’s parents, but he needed time to convince himself that she was really okay.

He hugged his body and watched his wife sleep. Forcing himself calm, he took her hand in his, encircled his fingers around hers. She didn’t stir. He didn’t remember how long he sat like that. The next thing he knew, the doctor was waking him again. His eyes went to the wall clock. It was after twelve. Slowly, he extricated his hand from Rina’s. She hadn’t changed position.

Decker stood and the doctor put his arm around him. He whispered, “Let’s go in my office.”

“It’s okay to leave her?”

“Yes, she’s fine.”

They stepped outside the ICU into a brightly lit hallway, eerie because it was so empty. Then Decker stopped.

“My daughter!”

“Your baby’s doing great, Peter. Pediatrician’ll be in tomorrow if you want to talk to him.”

“No, my other daughter,” Decker said. “She’s nineteen. She was with the baby. I told her to check in with me before she left. If she walked by herself to the parking lot, I’ll wring her neck. You keep thinking there’ll come a time when you’ll stop worrying about your kids …”

“Nah, it never comes,” Hendricks said.

“Do you mind if I find out where she is?”

“Go ahead. My office is room six-seventy-eight B. I’ll wait for you there.”

Decker asked Hendricks how to get to Nursery J. As he listened to the doc’s words, he was acutely aware of the fact that his ears were hearing, but his brain wasn’t processing. Although Hendricks had pointed him in the right direction, Decker didn’t know where he was going. He was senile from worry and lack of sleep, walking in a stuporous state down long plush corridors that seemed to meld into other hallways that led nowhere.

After a couple of false starts, he somehow reached the correct nursery. He peeked in the window—two rows of layettes containing bundles topped by little fuzzy heads. As his eyes danced over the tiny faces, Decker suddenly realized that his own infant daughter’s bassinet was gone. That jolted his heart and cleared his brain.

He knocked on the entry to the nursery but didn’t wait for an answer. Instead, he turned the knob just as a scrub-suited woman opened the door from the other side. She was middle-aged and petite, her face small and pinched. She was wearing a hair cap. Her name tag said DARLENE JAMISON, RN.

“I’m Peter Decker. I was just wondering where my baby was. My baby daughter … and my other one, too. Both my daughters. Did you happen to see—”

“You’re Cindy’s father. Can tell ’cause of the hair. Relax. She’s fine … in the back with the baby. They’re both sleeping.” Darlene broke into a grin and shook her head. “Come in. If you want to see your dynamic duo, you’re gonna have to put on some protective clothing. And you’ll have to take your shoes off, too.”

Decker stepped inside the waiting area of the nursery, the anteroom so brightly lit it hurt his eyes. Instantly, his ears were assaulted by high-pitched squalls and protests. His eyes drifted over to the layettes. Baby Girl Jackson seemed to be making most of the noise. Her mouth was wide open, and she was howling up a storm. She sat between Baby Girl Rodriguez, who was beet red from her wailing, and Baby Boy Yamata, who seemed above it all. His big eyes were open and staring at the ceiling as if to say, Lord, what is wrong with all these people?

Decker couldn’t help but smile. A big yellow line set out the perimeters of where he was allowed to place his feet. Beyond the line was a glassed hallway on either side, doors leading to the nurseries. As far as Decker could see, Darlene was the only person tending sheep.

“My daughters are okay?” Decker said.

“Dandy.” Darlene chuckled. “Hope you realize your big girl’s a real mama lion. She’s very attached to the baby. When things settle down, you might want to gently remind her that she’s the sister, not the mother.”

Decker ran his hands down his face.

“Not what you wanted to hear, huh?” Darlene patted his shoulder. “Sorry. Cindy’ll be fine. How’s your wife doing?”

“She’s pretty wiped out. Her doctor’s waiting to talk to me. Do you want me to talk to Cindy now?”

“No, not at all. I don’t mean to say that Cindy is a problem. She’s a great kid, full of spunk. I think it’s kinda cute. ’Course, I’m a little hang-loose. Single mother of three, five years on the graveyard shift, you learn to relax and smile if you want to survive. I’m pretty much my own boss. No one bothers to come down and check things out at one in the morning. Marie’s the one with all the pressure.”

“Did Marie and Cindy get into any kind of conflict?”

“Well, it’s not that Cindy’s gettin’ in the way, it’s … I think it’s a turf problem. Marie’s an institution here. She’s used to postpartum moms—tired, anxious, and willing to hang on to everything Marie’s got to say. Now a kid like Cindy comes along—full of energy. Marie’s just not used to that. Marie told me to kick Cindy out when I came on shift at eleven. But, heck, she really seems like a good kid. Talks nicely about you, her mom, her stepmom and stepbrothers. I know this is her first sibling, and she’s so excited. I just didn’t have the heart. And then she fell asleep …”

“I’ll talk to her.”

“You don’t have to do it now, Detective …” Darlene paused. “Is that the right title?”

Technically, it was Detective Sergeant, but Decker told her Detective was fine.

“I don’t care really,” Darlene said. “I like Cindy. But Marie’s the boss. You’ll have to work by her rules.”

“I understand.” Decker took an Advil from his pocket and popped the pill in his mouth. “Let me talk to the doctor, then I’ll come back.”

“You’ve got two lovely daughters,” Darlene said. “And I know you’ve got some stepsons, too—a real nice family. Congratulations.”

“Thanks. Do you have any idea where six-seventy-eight B is?”

Darlene laughed. “Place is a maze, isn’t it? I’ll at least get you to the elevator and give you directions from there.” She crooked a finger. “This way.”

Decker followed her, an obedient robot wondering why the hair on his neck was standing on end. It wasn’t because he was tired. It wasn’t because Darlene had told him that basically Cindy was being a pain in the neck. It wasn’t even because of Rina. It wasn’t until he was standing in front of the door to room 678B that he figured out what was bothering him. It was Darlene Jamison, RN. She was the only one Decker had seen actually in Nursery J. And she had left the babies alone to walk him to the elevator.

Hendricks’s hospital office was designed strictly for function. Into the small space were crammed a standard institutional-issue metal desk, a low-back secretary’s chair, and two waiting-room chairs that had seen better days. On the walls were metal shelves holding reference books, medical tomes, and an old coffeemaker. Decker recalled the doctor’s private-practice office—decorated to the hilt. But for some reason, Decker felt Hendricks was more at home here. He seemed more relaxed. Maybe it was just fatigue.

“Have a seat.” Hendricks opened a chart on his desk. “Did you find your daughter?”

“She was with the baby in the nursery. Apparently, she’s becoming quite attached to her.”

“It’s her first sibling, isn’t it?”

“She has stepbrothers, but this is different.”

“Is she close to her stepbrothers?”

The questions seemed out of place—too personal. Must be trying out some rapport-building, Decker thought. The guy had something on his mind but didn’t want to jump into it.

“She likes her stepbrothers, but the relationships aren’t close ones. Not a lot of history between them.”

Hendricks shifted in his seat. “Are you close to your stepsons?”

Decker paused, thinking what a weird question that was. Maybe Hendricks was worried he was going to show favoritism. He shouldn’t have been concerned.

“I’m very close to them. I consider them my own sons, and I love them dearly.”

“Are you their legal father?”

Now Decker was genuinely taken aback.

“Uh, no, not yet.” His heart began to race as he moved to the edge of his seat. “Why? Is Rina in danger—”

“No, no, no. Nothing like that. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Decker sat back and blew out air. “I’d adopt them if they wanted. I didn’t want to take away their father’s identity. I’m ready for it. But I don’t know if they are.”

“Very sensitive of you.”

Decker didn’t answer, trying to assess where Hendricks was coming from. The doctor looked down at the chart, clearly uncomfortable. Decker wished he’d get on with it.

“So your daughter’s taken a shine to her new little sister,” Hendricks said. “That’s nice.”

“Do you think it’s a bad idea for her to become attached to the baby?”

“Only if it’s to the exclusion of her normal activities. Why? Is there a problem?”

Decker rubbed his face. “She seems to be having some conflict with Nurse Bellson, getting in her way, that kind of thing.”

Hendricks rolled his eyes. “Marie’s a damn good nurse, but she does get a bit possessive.”

“Not the first time there’s been a conflict?”

Hendricks shook his head. “You want me to talk to Marie for you?”

“No, no, no. I’ll handle my daughter.”

“Isn’t she going back to college soon?”

Decker nodded.

“So it should work itself out,” Hendricks said.

“Yeah, you’re probably right.”

Hendricks yawned. “Sorry. It’s been a long night—a busy night. Not just Rina, others as well. Having babies must be in the air. But I did want to talk to you before I left, tell you what happened … explain a few things.”

Decker waited.

“Rina developed a condition known as accreta.” Hendricks sighed and spelled it. “Basically, the placenta didn’t come out on its own. This can happen for a lot of different reasons, the most common being that the placenta adheres to the uterus. When this occurs, we have to go in and physically remove all of the tissue. Sometimes we can do it with a simple D and C. We go in and scrape the uterus … clean everything out.”

“There’s a ‘but’ to this, isn’t there?” Decker said.

Hendricks’s eyes went from Decker to the chart. Decker felt his stomach churn.

“What?”

“Rina’s hemorrhaging was quite severe; her blood pressure was beginning to drop precipitously. We had no choice but to operate. Once we did, we found out what the problem was. The placenta had grown through the uterus, and that’s what caused all the hemorrhaging. I’m sorry to tell you this, Peter, but Rina had a hysterectomy.”

His words hung in the air. Decker was too stunned to respond. The room suddenly seemed to take on motion, walls pulsating, the bookshelves undulating. Nausea crept from his stomach to his throat. He swallowed to keep from retching and covered his mouth with his hand.

Hendricks fiddled with the chart. “I know this must be quite a shock to you—”

“Couldn’t you just have cut it out?” Decker blurted. “The placenta … couldn’t you have surgically removed it?”

“No—”

“You had to take the whole uterus out?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t understand—”

“Peter—”

“I mean, isn’t that what surgery is? Cutting things out? Cutting selective things out?”

Hendricks didn’t answer.

Decker said, “I just don’t understand why …”

“Peter,” Hendricks said softly, “her placenta was like an open hose of blood. The more I tried to remove it, the more she bled. I had no option whatsoever. I know how Rina feels about children. I delivered Samuel and Jacob, and I held her hand after all three of her miscarriages—”

“I thought she miscarried because her husband was so sick. That’s what she told me.”

Hendricks was silent.

“No?” Decker’s voice sounded desperate.

“Peter,” Hendricks began, “who knows why she miscarried? Needless to say, I was delighted when she carried this baby to term. Throughout this ordeal, please try to remember, she did give birth to a beautiful little girl. You have a healthy daughter. Good heavens, I know Rina wanted a slew of children. And this is going to hit her very hard. That’s why I asked you how close you are to her sons. Some men get idiotic with the idea of having a boy—”

“No …” Decker shook his head. “No, it’s not a problem.” He felt his eyes go wet and shut them a moment. When he opened them, the horror hadn’t gone away. “What … what do I say …?”

“I’ll tell her. That’s my job.”

Again Decker shook his head. “I can do it.”

“Peter, I’m sure in your line of work, you have had to deliver a fair share of bad news. Let me be the bad guy.”

“No, I can’t … I can do it.” Decker looked down, then looked up. “When should I tell her?”

Hendricks sighed loudly. “If you insist on doing this, I suggest you mention it to her as soon as she has some of her strength back. I’ll let you know when her blood count stabilizes.”

Decker lowered his head and nodded.

“She’s a strong woman, Peter. She’s going to recover very quickly. The actual operation was … God, how do I say this without sounding like an insensitive jerk?” Hendricks paused. “The operation itself was routine. Rina’s ovaries were left intact, so hormonally, she’ll be as regulated as any other woman her age. And she’ll be able to nurse. Just as soon as she’s stabilized, she’ll recover in a snap.”

“I love her so much,” Decker whispered. “She’s going to be devastated.”

“And you?”

“Truthfully, I’m not feeling too good, Doc.” Again Decker dragged his hand over his face. “But I’ll be fine. It’s Rina …”

“It’s a loss, Peter,” Hendricks said. “Not like a death of a baby, thank God—” He caught himself. “You already went through that with your first wife, didn’t you?”

Decker nodded.

“That must have been hell. This is hell, too. Something you both are going to grieve over. There’s no getting around it. If you’re determined to tell her yourself, I won’t stop you. But if you need anything, pick up the phone, call the exchange, and say it’s an emergency. I’m here for both of you. For Rina and you and for the family—the boys, the grandparents. Just give me a call.”

All Decker could do was nod.

“I’ve ordered a cot for you next to Rina.” Hendricks stood. “Try to get some rest, all right?”

“Thank you.” Slowly, Decker got to his feet. “I’ve got to talk to my daughter.”

“It can wait until the morning.”

“I want to do it now.”

“Peter, it can wait.” Hendricks put his arm around Decker’s shoulder. “Go to sleep. Doctor’s orders.”

“I’ve got to tell Rina’s parents—”

“Don’t tell them anything before you’ve told Rina.”

“No, not this.” Decker was finding it hard to talk, hard to speak without choking. “I promised I’d call them as soon as Rina was out of recovery … tell them she’s okay. They must be worried sick.”

Hendricks turned out the lights. “I’ll call them for you. Give me the number.”

It took Decker a few seconds to remember the order of the digits. “You’ll tell them Rina’s doing okay?”

“Yes, I will. Because Rina is recovering well.” Hendricks pulled out keys from his pants and locked the door. “Come on. I’ll walk you back to the ICU.”

Decker didn’t argue. He felt like a child being put to bed. He didn’t want to go, but he was just too exhausted to protest.

8

Cindy woke up with a start, her body pinched from sleeping in a chair. Beside her was Hannah’s layette, the baby lying on her stomach, eyes closed, the little pink face molded into the mattress. It had been almost three hours, and Hannah hadn’t uttered a peep. A big kid, her birth weight almost nine pounds, she probably had a bigger stomach than most of the other infants. Good for her and lucky for Rina. Hannah would probably sleep through the night at an early age.

The wall clock said 1:05, and Cindy assumed it was A.M. For how brightly lit the nursery was, it could have been P.M. Kind of like the Vegas casino she had visited a year ago—a fixed internal environment that scorned the passage of time. She stood and stretched and crossed over the yellow line to the nurses’ station. Through the glass, Cindy could see Darlene talking animatedly to a big-boned black woman, waving her arms as if conducting. Cindy knocked on the door. Darlene looked up and beckoned her in.

“Hi,” Cindy said.

“Take off your mask,” Darlene said. “Can’t understand a darn thing with that on. Everyone sounds like they’re talkin’ with marbles in their mouth. How’s your sister doing? Did you feed her yet?”

“She’s still sleeping,” Cindy said.

“You let her sleep past her twelve o’clock feeding? Uh-oh, Mom’s not going to like that. Gotta get her on a schedule. What kind of marine are you, anyway?”

There was a sparkle in Darlene’s eyes, a gentle tease in her smile. Cindy smiled back. “Should I feed her?”

“Well, since you already messed her up, you might as well let her wake up naturally. You first-time big sisters just can’t do a darn thing right.” The head nurse glanced at her watch, then turned back to her heavyset charge. “Lily, start wheelin’ the babies back into the nursery from their twelve o’clock feeding. Do rooms three-fifteen through three-thirty. I’ll do the rest. Be sure to check the chart and see who has rooming in. Don’t take the rooming-in babies back.”

“I won’t,” Lily said solemnly.

Darlene said, “But do check in and see if everything’s okay. Any questions?”

Lily gave a nervous smile. “Not a one!”

“Then either I’m doing something very right or something very wrong,” Darlene said. “And relax, Lily. Try to have some fun. As long as you’re doin’ some work.”

“Thanks a lot, ma’am.” Lily laughed anxiously and turned to Cindy. “She’s a real slave driver.”

“Is that nice, Nurse Booker?” Darlene pouted. “After all I’ve done for you?”

“But a real nice slave driver,” Lily said. “Watch out for her when you’re a trainee.”

“A trainee?” Cindy asked.

“Darlene has big plans for you.”

Cindy laughed but was confused.

“Nurse Booker, kindly remove yourself and go do some work,” Darlene said.

“Yes sir, ma’am.” Lily saluted, waved at Cindy, then left.

Cindy waved back, watching a big rear fill out the backside of her uniform. Despite Lily’s girth and size, she looked young—early twenties, maybe. Probably a recent graduate of nursing school, and this was her first real job.

“She seems really nice,” Cindy said to Darlene.

“She’s going to be a darn good nurse,” Darlene said. “Know why? ’Cause she’s conscientious and caring. She worked herself up from nothing, ’cause her dream was to help people. Shows what you can do when the motivation is there. Have you ever thought of nursing as a career, Cindy? You seem pretty darn caring yourself.”

Cindy felt heat in her cheeks. Seemed like Lily and Darlene had been doing some talking. “I haven’t made up my mind yet, but I’m leaning toward criminal sciences.”

Darlene made a face. “The nursing profession could use caring people. Think about it.” She straightened her spine and did a few arm circles. “You calling it quits tonight, you slacker?”

Again Cindy smiled. “I thought I’d just wait until Hannah wakes up so I could feed her. Then I thought I’d go home. Maybe come back later in the morning. Is that okay?”

“Okay by me, kid. Just don’t get in Marie’s way.”

Cindy frowned. “Marie’s going to be on shift again?”

“Doing the three-to-eleven, plus all night here with me—double duty. The other night charge nurse is taking the night off.” Darlene furrowed her brows. “Marie’s a good nurse, Cindy. Very dedicated and patient with the moms and the babies. She just doesn’t have a lot of leftover patience for anyone else, especially young kids like yourself who’re self-confident and able-bodied. You’re gonna have to learn to deal with all sorts of people in your life.”

“I don’t say a word to her,” Cindy said. “I try to mind my own business. She just doesn’t like me hanging around Hannah.”

“You know how to bake?” Darlene asked.

“Yes.”

“Tell you what, Cindy. When you come back, bring her some home-baked chocolate-chip cookies. Marie’ll appreciate the gesture. That’s all she wants. A little appreciation.”

“Hey, if that’s all it takes, I’ll even wrap them up in a basket with ribbon.”

Darlene said, “I gotta go fetch some babies, start doing my blood work.”

Cindy drew her paper-covered foot across the ground. “Was my dad around here at all?”

“’Bout an hour ago. I told him you were with Hannah and both of you were asleep.”

“I should go let him know I’m alive.” She looked at the clock. “I think I could make it back and forth before Hannah wakes up.”

“Probably,” Darlene said. “Hon, do me a favor. Before you go, check and make sure Angela or Chris is in the back room. Nursery C and D called them away ’bout an hour ago ’cause we’re so short-staffed. Budget cuts. Seems the whole nursing staff is a few old-timers and a bunch of temps who don’t know a darn thing. I told them they could float for a while, but sometimes when you get busy, people forget to look at the clock. Someone should be in the nursery at all times.”

“And if they’re not?”

“Wait for me, and I’ll call someone in.”

“I can visit my father later. Do you want me to wait here until you’re done wheeling back the babies?”

Darlene wrinkled her nose as she thought. “If you wouldn’t mind, that would be convenient. All these budget cuts … make you wonder if hospitals are really for patients anymore.” She clucked her tongue and handed Cindy her beeper. “Just push the red button if you think you got an emergency. I’ll be right on the floor.”

“No problem,” Cindy said. “Do you want me to check in on the other babies?”

“Only if you want to visit,” Darlene said. “Thanks for your help, Cindy. And think about nursing, missy. You’re a natural.”

Cindy’s eyes went to the ceiling. “Uh, I’ll be with Hannah. See if she’s awake and ready to eat.”

As Cindy started to leave, Darlene called out her name. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“What?” Cindy asked.

Darlene pointed to her face mask.

“Sorry.” Cindy slipped the mask over her mouth and nose and tied the strings. “Better?”

Darlene frowned, then broke into a big grin. “You either said ‘better’ or ‘butter.’ Yes, it is better—or, no we don’t have any butter.”

Bottle in hand, Cindy heard the knock and looked around. Darlene and Lily were still out fetching the babies. Cindy looked down at the bundle in her arms. Hannah had closed her eyes, a small line of drool creasing a perfect chin. She needed to be burped, and Cindy wanted to do it before her sister was deep asleep. But someone kept hammering away at the nursery door. The noise was no doubt disturbing the other babies. Carefully, Cindy lay Hannah in her layette and went to the front part of the nursery. Through the glass windows, she saw her father. His face was ravaged with exhaustion, his eyes lolling in their sockets. Quickly, she opened the door.