The Inconstant

Lam. Yes, yes – Your servant is a foolish country boy, sir, he understands nothing but innocence.

Y. Mir. Ay, ay, madam. – Here, Page, —

Enter Oriana

Take this key, and go to my butler, order him to send half a dozen flasks of the red burgundy, marked a thousand; and be sure you make haste, I long to entertain my friends here; my very good friends.

Omnes. Ah, dear sir!

1 Bra. Here, child, take a glass of wine – Your master and I have changed hats, honey, in a frolic. – Where had you this pretty boy, honest Mustapha?

Oriana. Mustapha!

Y. Mir. Out of Picardy – this is the first errand he has made for me, and if he does it right, I will encourage him.

Oriana. The red burgundy, sir?

Y. Mir. The red, marked a thousand, and be sure you make haste.

Oriana. I shall, sir.[Exit.

1 Bra. Sir, you were pleased to like my hat, have you any fancy for my coat? – Lookye, sir, it has served a great many honest gentlemen, very faithfully.

Y. Mir. The insolence of these dogs is beyond their cruelty![Aside.

Lam. You're melancholy, sir.

Y. Mir. Only concerned, madam, that I should have no servant here but this little boy – he'll make some confounded blunder, I'll lay my life on't; I would not be disappointed of my wine, for the universe.

Lam. He'll do well enough, sir; but supper's ready; will you please to eat a bit, sir?

Y. Mir. O, madam, I never had a better stomach in my life.

Lam. Come, then, we have nothing but a plate of soup.

Y. Mir. Ah! the marriage soup I could dispense with now.

[Aside. – Exit, handing the Lady.

2 Bra. Shall we dispatch him?

3 Bra. To be sure; I think he knows me.

1 Bra. Ay, ay, dead men tell no tales; I han't the confidence to look a man in the face, after I have done him an injury, therefore we'll murder him.[Exeunt.

SCENE III

Old Mirabel's House Enter Duretete

Dur. My friend has forsaken me, I have abandoned my mistress, my time lies heavy upon my hands, and my money burns in my pocket – But now I think on't, my myrmidons are upon duty to-night; I'll fairly stroll down to the guard, and nod away the night with my honest lieutenant, over a flask of wine, a story, and a pipe of tobacco.

[Going off, Bisarre meets him.

Bis. Who comes there? stand!

Dur. Heyday, now she's turned dragoon!

Bis. Lookye, sir, I'm told you intend to travel again. – I design to wait on you as far as Italy.

Dur. Then I'll travel into Wales.

Bis. Wales! What country's that?

Dur. The land of mountains, child; where you're never out of the way, 'cause there's no such thing as a highroad.

Bis. Rather, always in a high road, because you travel all upon hills; but be't as it will, I'll jog along with you.

Dur. But we intend to sail to the East Indies.

Bis. East, or West, 'tis all one to me; I'm tight and light, and the fitter for sailing.

Dur. But suppose we take through Germany, and drink hard?

Bis. Suppose I take through Germany and drink harder than you?

Dur. Suppose I go to a bawdy house?

Bis. Suppose I show you the way?

Dur. 'Sdeath, woman! will you go to the guard with me, and smoke a pipe?

Bis. Allons donc!

Dur. The devil's in the woman! – Suppose I hang myself?

Bis. There I'll leave you.

Dur. And a happy riddance: the gallows is welcome.

Bis. Hold, hold, sir, [Catches him by the Arm, going.] one word before we part.

Dur. Let me go, madam, – or I shall think that you're a man, and, perhaps, may examine you.

Bis. Stir if you dare; I have still spirits to attend me, and can raise such a muster of fairies, as shall punish you to death. – Come, sir, stand there now, and ogle me: [He frowns upon her.] Now a languishing sigh: [He groans.] Now run, and take my fan, – faster. [He runs, and takes it up.] Now play with it handsomely.

Dur. Ay, ay.[He tears it all in pieces.

Bis. Hold, hold, dear, humorous coxcomb! Captain, spare my fan, and I'll – Why, you rude, inhuman monster! don't you expect to pay for this?

Dur. Yes, madam, there's twelve pence; for that is the price on't.

Bis. Sir, it cost a guinea.

Dur. Well, madam, you shall have the sticks again.

[Throws them to her, and exit.

Bis. Ha! ha! ha! ridiculous, below my concern! I must follow him, however, to know if he can give me any news of Oriana.[Exit.

SCENE IV

Lamorce's Lodgings Enter Young Mirabel

Y. Mir. Bloody hell-hounds! I overheard you: – Was not I two hours ago, the happy, gay, rejoicing Mirabel? How did I plume my hopes in a fair, coming prospect, of a long scene of years! Life courted me with all the charms of vigour, youth, and fortune; and to be torn away from all my promised joys, is more than death; – the manner too, by villains! – O my Oriana, this very moment might have blessed me in thy arms! – and my poor boy! the innocent boy! Confusion! – But hush, they come – I must dissemble still. – No news of my wine, gentlemen?

Enter the Four Bravoes

1 Bra. No, sir, I believe your country booby has lost himself, and we can wait no longer for't: – True, sir, you're a pleasant gentleman, but, I suppose you understand our business?

Y. Mir. Sir, I may go near to guess at your employments; you, sir, are a lawyer, I presume – you a physician, you a scrivener, and you a stock jobber. – All cut-throats, egad! [Aside.

4 Bra. Sir, I am a broken officer; I was cashiered at the head of the army, for a coward, so I took up the trade of murder, to retrieve the reputation of my courage.

3 Bra. I am a soldier too, and would serve my king; but I don't like the quarrel, and I have more honour than to fight in a bad cause.

2 Bra. I was bred a gentleman, and have no estate; but I must have my whore and my bottle, through the prejudice of education.

1 Bra. I am a ruffian too; by the prejudice of education, I was born a butcher. – In short, sir, if your wine had come, we might have trifled a little longer. – Come, sir, which sword will you fall by? mine, sir?

2 Bra. Or mine? [Draws.

3 Bra. Or mine? [Draws.

4 Bra. Or mine? [Draws.

Y. Mir. I scorn to beg my life; but to be butchered thus! – O, there's the wine! – this moment for [Knocking.] my life or death.

Enter Oriana

Lost! for ever lost! – Where's the wine, child![Faintly.

Oriana. Coming up, sir.[Stamps.

Enter Duretete with his Sword drawn, and six of the Grand Musqueteers, with their Pieces presented, the Ruffians drop their Swords. – Oriana goes off.

Y. Mir. The wine, the wine, the wine! Youth, pleasure, fortune, days and years, are now my own again! Ah, my dear friends! did not I tell you, this wine would make me merry? – Dear Captain, these gentlemen are the best natured, facetious, witty creatures, that ever you knew.

Enter Lamorce

Lam. Is the wine come, sir?

Y. Mir. O yes, madam, the wine is come – see there! [Pointing to the Soldiers.] Your ladyship has got a very fine ring upon your finger.

Lam. Sir, 'tis at your service.

Y. Mir. O ho! is it so? Thou dear seven hundred pound, thou'rt welcome home again, with all my heart! – Ad's my life, madam, you have got the finest built watch there! Tompion's, I presume?

Lam. Sir, you may wear it.

Y. Mir. O madam, by no means, 'tis too much – Rob you of all! – [Taking it from her.] Good, dear time, thou'rt a precious thing, I'm glad I have retrieved thee. [Putting it up.] What, my friends neglected all this while! Gentlemen, you'll pardon my complaisance to the lady. – How now! is it civil to be so out of humour at my entertainment, and I so pleased with yours? Captain, you're surprised at all this – but we're in our frolics, you must know. – Some wine here!

Enter Servant, with Wine

Come, Captain, this worthy gentleman's health.

[Tweaks the First Bravo by the Nose; he roars.

But now, where – where's my dear deliverer, my boy, my charming boy?

1 Bra. I hope some of our crew below stairs have dispatched him.

Y. Mir. Villain, what say'st thou? dispatched! I'll have ye all tortured, racked, torn to pieces alive, if you have touched my boy. – Here, page! page! page![Runs out.

Dur. Here, gentlemen, be sure you secure those fellows.

1 Bra. Yes, sir, we know you, and your guard will be very civil to us.

Dur. Take them to justice. [The Guards carry off the Bravoes.] Now for you, madam; – He! he! he! I'm so pleased to think that I shall be revenged of one woman, before I die. – Well, Mrs. Snap Dragon, which of these honourable gentlemen is so happy to call you wife?

1 Bra. Sir, she should have been mine to-night, 'cause Sampre, here, had her last night. – Sir, she's very true to us all four.

Enter Old Mirabel, Dugard, and Bisarre

Old Mir. Robin! Robin! – Where's Bob? where's my boy! – What, is this the lady? a pretty creature, 'faith! – Harkye, child, because my son was so civil as to oblige you with a coach, I'll treat you with a cart, indeed I will.

Dug. Ay, madam, and you shall have a swinging equipage, three or four thousand footmen at your heels, at least.

Dur. No less becomes her quality.

Bis. Faugh! the monster!

Dur. Monster! ay, you're all a little monstrous, let me tell you.

Enter Young Mirabel

Old Mir. Ah, my dear Bob! art thou safe, man?

Y. Mir. No, no, sir, I am ruined: the saver of my life is lost!

Old Mir. No, he came and brought us the news.

Y. Mir. But where is he?

Enter Oriana

Ha! [Runs and embraces her.] My dear preserver! what shall I do to recompense your trust? – Father, friends, gentlemen, behold the youth, that has relieved me from the most ignominious death! – Command me, child; before you all – before my late, so kind, indulgent stars, I swear to grant whate'er you ask.

Oriana. To the same stars, indulgent now to me, I will appeal, as to the justice of my claim: I shall demand but what was mine before – the just performance of your contract to Oriana.

[Discovering herself.

Omnes. Oriana!

Oriana. In this disguise I resolved to follow you abroad, counterfeited that letter, that brought me into your service; and so, by this strange turn of fate, I became the instrument of your preservation; few common servants would have had such cunning; my love inspired me with the meaning of your message, because my concern for your safety made me suspect your company.

Dur. Mirabel, you're caught.

Y. Mir. Caught! I scorn the thought of imposition – Caught! No, 'tis my voluntary act; this was no human stratagem, but by my providential stars, designed to show the dangers wandering youth incurs, by the pursuit of an unlawful love; to plunge me headlong in the snares of vice, and then to free me by the hands of virtue: Here, on my knees, I humbly beg my fair preserver's pardon; my thanks are needless, for myself I owe: And now, for ever, do protest me yours.

Old Mir. Tall, all di dall! [Sings.] Kiss me, daughter – no, you shall kiss me first, [To Lamorce.] for you're the cause on't. Well, Bisarre, what say you to the captain?

Bis. I like the beast well enough, but I don't understand his paces so well as to venture him in a strange road.

Old Mir. But marriage is so beaten a path, that you can't go wrong.

Bis. Ay, 'tis so beaten that the way is spoiled.

Dur. There is but one thing should make me thy husband – I could marry thee to-day, for the privilege of beating thee to-morrow.

Old Mir. Come, come, you may agree for all this; – Mr. Dugard, are not you pleased with this?

Dug. So pleased, that, if I thought it might secure your son's affection to my sister, I would double her fortune.

Y. Mir. Fortune! has she not given me mine? my life – estate – my all? and what is more, her virtuous self? – Behold the foil [Pointing to Lamorce.] that sets this brightness off! [To Oriana.] Here view the pride, [To Oriana.] and scandal of the sex!

What liberty can be so tempting there,[To Lamorce.As a soft, virtuous, am'rous bondage here?[To Oriana.THE END