Forever in My Heart: The Story of My Battle Against Cancer

And there is no one who gives me hugs like he does. You know the ones where your problems all seem to melt away?

‘Jack,’ I cried. ‘I’m so scared.’

He just hugged me and kept repeating that it was going to be okay.

He’d been staying in my house as he’d promised me he’d decorate the rooms while I was away in India. As I glanced around I could see that obviously he hadn’t had time to get very far, but I certainly wasn’t going to say anything about it that day.

I hadn’t even wanted to go to India at first, because Jack was due to go to court for bashing someone with a golf club the previous December and I was afraid he’d be in prison when I got back.

I had no doubt that he really cared about me but he kept screwing up and things had been difficult between us. He had a great relationship with my boys, though, and that meant a lot. And he was there for me when I really needed him–like today.

Freddy and Bobby had been staying with Jeff, their father, while I was in India and were due to come back to me in a few days’ time. I really wanted to see them straight away but had hospital trips already arranged for the next few days so I wouldn’t have been able to look after them anyway. Jeff is a good dad–I had no worries there. It was just selfish of me to want to see them for comfort, for the special little hugs that only three-year-olds and five-year-olds can give you. But maybe it was best that they didn’t see me in such a state.

I called Mum but she said it would be a few days more before she could get back. I got the impression she didn’t really understand the seriousness of the situation but there was nothing more I could say until I’d seen the doctors. I’ve had loads of scares in the past so she probably thought it was just another one, but I knew this was something more. No one had actually told me I had cancer before.

I was so tired after all the crying, I didn’t feel hungry. My head was all over the place from the different time zones. India is about five hours ahead of England, I think–or is it the other way round? Anyway, we went to bed early. Usually I feel totally relaxed in my warm, soft giant bed. I love my bedroom with its high ceiling and massive TV. It’s always been my special place.

This time, everything felt different. Soon my pillow was soaked with tears, and I lay there in a panic with my heart thudding. Not to feel all safe and snuggly in your own bed is horrible.

Jack wrapped his arms around me, speaking softly in my ear.

‘You’ll be okay. I’m here,’ he whispered. ‘I’m here every step of the way.’

Although his words couldn’t take the horrible cancer away, they made me soften inside.

We talked and I sobbed for ages until sleep overcame me and the room finally went dark.

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