The Honeymoon

Flora. But your mother —

Cedric. (Picking up a piece of crockery and dashing it violently to the ground; then, controlling himself, after a pause, in a low, tense voice.) My mother be blowed!

(A pause. Mr. and Mrs. Reach Haslam appear at the house-door. They show surprise at the spectacle of Flora and Cedric with an appealing undecided gesture.)

Flora. (Advancing to meet Cedric.) Cedric!

(Flora suddenly perceives Mr. and Mrs. Reach Haslam and completely changes her attitude, going towards them.)

Mrs. R. Haslam. Really —

Flora. (Lightly.) So we've all got up with the sparrows!

Mr. R. Haslam. No. These two particular sparrows have just come out for a breath of air before retiring to their nest for the day. (Yawns.)

Mrs. R. Haslam. Work is work, young lady, and insists on being done (with meaning), whatever else happens or does not happen.

Flora. Ah! The birthrate article – has the poor thing been declining all this time?

Cedric. (Anxious for his parents to depart.) Mother, you ought to go to bed at once – you look absolutely exhausted.

Mrs. R. Haslam. Is it surprising? I was just saying to your father that if this kind of thing was likely to occur often I should have to devise some way of procuring tea at sunrise.

Flora. But do you want some tea?

Mrs. R. Haslam. I never want what I can't have. I shall doubtless hold out till eight o'clock.

Cedric. Couldn't the dad make you some?

Mrs. R. Haslam. Impossible, child! At four o'clock in the morning!

Mr. R. Haslam. The cook always locks up the kitchen to keep Cuthbert and Fisher out.

Cedric. Seems odd that in a house like this you can't have a cup of tea whenever you happen to want it!

Mrs. R. Haslam. (Coldly resenting this criticism of her housekeeping.) Father, shall we go?

Flora. May I give you some tea?

Mrs. R. Haslam. It's very good of you to offer me tea in my own garden, but —

Flora. (With great charm.) Not at all. (Opening her bag.) I have my Thermos. I filled it yesterday before starting. You see, we had no programme, and I didn't know where we might ultimately be landed. Besides, I never travel without it. (She unscrews the Thermos flask and pours out the steaming tea into the patent cover. Then undoes a little packet containing sugar.) One lump, isn't it? (Handing the cup, with a spoon, to Mrs. Reach Haslam, who accepts it.) Sit down and drink it. I guessed about forty places where I might pour that tea out – and they were all wrong! (Mrs. Reach Haslam discovers that the tea is scalding.) It is hot, isn't it?

Mrs. R. Haslam. (Sipping.) I'm afraid you didn't sleep very well, Flora.

Flora. Why?

Mrs. R. Haslam. You're down so exceedingly early.

Flora. The fact is, I could not get off to sleep.

Mr. R. Haslam. (Half to himself.) I put a complete set of my wife's novels in each of the spare bedrooms only yesterday. (With a faint air of being puzzled.)

Flora. Another cup?

Mrs. R. Haslam. No, thanks. Excellent.

Flora. I'm so glad I was here. You know, it's quite easy to have tea at any hour of the night. But of course, with all your other work, you can't be troubled with the little details of housekeeping.

Mrs. R. Haslam. (Nettled.) My other work!.. No doubt when you're settled down with Cedric you will be able to show him what true housekeeping really is.

Flora. Settled down with Cedric!

Mrs. R. Haslam. My dear, I had intended to make no comment on the singular coincidence of you and Cedric being here in the garden at four in the morning. I did not mean to inquire into the significance of this broken crockery, nor of your attitude and tone to Cedric before you caught sight of me. But I am a trained observer. You may remember that last night —

Cedric. Mater, why don't you go to bed?

Mrs. R. Haslam. You may remember that last night I hinted that before very long you'd probably be throwing yourself into Cedric's arms (benevolently). And I'm delighted to see that pride has not stood in your way. Delighted! How you got him down here into the garden I don't know, and it doesn't matter. (Slight pause.)

Flora. (To Cedric.) Anything to say?

Cedric. You're quite wrong, mother. The fact is I've now come to the conclusion that Flora was perfectly right last night.

Mrs. R. Haslam. About what?

Cedric. In arguing that nothing ought to stand in the way of the honeymoon. And I've just been telling her so.

Flora. But he forgot to tell me that there is nothing now to stand in the way of the honeymoon.

Mrs. R. Haslam. What do you mean?

Flora. Klopstock has broken his leg and can't move for at least six weeks. (Startled movement by Cedric. Quietly gracious, to Cedric.) Didn't you know? (Silence.) Cedric, didn't you know?

Cedric. (With gruff reluctance.) Yes … of course, Charlie gave me away?

Flora. Charlie merely told me, as he told you.

Mrs. R. Haslam. Everything is all right, then.

Flora. Do you think so? Cedric and I were supposed to be talking like honest Injuns —

Mrs. R. Haslam. Honest Injuns?

Flora. Well, as man to man, then. Anyway, straight! And yet he positively assured me that nothing had happened, to influence him except my arguments. Whereas the fact was he knew that owing to this broken leg he could go away with a perfectly easy conscience. My arguments hadn't influenced him at all. His principles haven't really changed at all! But now he's safe as regards Klopstock he doesn't care a fig for his principles. His mind is free for pleasure, now – it wasn't before – and so in order to enjoy himself for a month he'd sacrifice any principles. Just like a man, that is! And there's something else. He was so desperately and madly anxious to have me that he told another simply appalling cold-blooded fib. He said he had sat up all through the night thinking over my arguments, without a wink of sleep. I suppose he thought that would touch me. Now the truth is that he slept very well, and woke up with such an appetite that he ate the whole of Charlie's supper except two bananas. I won't mention his references to his mother. But I think I've said enough to show that I didn't come down at four o'clock in the morning precisely in order to throw myself into your son's arms. Can you imagine a woman silly enough to marry a man who on the very day of the wedding would try to deceive her as Cedric has tried to deceive me?

Mrs. R. Haslam. (Majestic.) Father! We had better go. (She moves towards house. After reflection, savagely to Flora, over her shoulder.) I rejoice that the breach is now definite.

(Exit into house.)(Cedric moodily goes up garden out of sight.)

Mr. R. Haslam. (Protesting.) Hannah! (Half to himself, looking at his watch.) An inflammable hour – four o'clock!

Flora. We seem to be left alone together.

Mr. R. Haslam. (Cheerfully.) Yes, but I must go.

Flora. However do you manage to be always so calm and cheerful? I've noticed you in the most difficult situations —

Mr. R. Haslam. You have… You see I've my own private life to fall back on.

Flora. (Interested.) Have you? Where? I never —

Mr. R. Haslam. (Tapping his forehead.) Here!

Flora. I see.

Mr. R. Haslam. And my collection – that always keeps me amused.

Flora. Your collection?

Mr. R. Haslam. My collection of private opinions (tapping his head). Here, too!

Mrs. R. Haslam. (Off.) Father!

Mr. R. Haslam. (With cheerful acquiescence.) Yes, my dear. (To Flora.) Au revoir, I hope.

(Exit into house.)(Vague noise of Cedric privately cursing behind, out of sight.)

Flora. (Going up a little.) Cedric, when you've done swearing up there, I want to apologise to you.

(Re-enter Cedric. They look at each other.)

Cedric. Apologise?

Flora. My human nature ran away with me. My human nature couldn't resist the temptation to fulfil your prayer. You demanded that your mother should be blowed – and she has been. Unfortunately it meant you being blowed, too. Now let's go.

Cedric. Go where?

Flora. (Innocently.) To Chelmsford, of course. Isn't there a newspaper train about a quarter past five?

Cedric. (Shaking his head in a maze.) I'm dashed if I know where I am —

Flora. I'm dashed if you are quite wide awake, my poor boy. Can't you see how amply you've proved that you look on marriage as seriously as any woman could desire – more seriously than any woman ought to desire. Last night you hesitated to sacrifice your aeroplane to me. But this morning you tell the most frightful lies on the chance of getting hold of me – although I gave you every encouragement to be truthful. You take the most frightful risks of being found out. You'll run any danger of trouble and unhappiness in the future if only you can capture me now. You smash crockery. You behave meanly, miserably. You forfeit even your own self-respect. Cedric, that is what I like. It's just that that shows how much in earnest you are. Your deeds are far superior to your arguments… Cedric —

Cedric. What?

Flora. After all, your dear mother's prophecy was quite correct. I was just going to throw myself into your arms – but of course I couldn't do it while she was there, could I? (Picks up Thermos cup, to screw it on to the flask, holding it at arm's length.) Henceforth, sacred!

(Cedric roughly seizes her and kisses her.)

(After freeing herself, as she puts the flask in the bag.) It's a good thing I like them rough.

Cedric. What?

Flora. A man – and his chin.

Cedric. (Snatching at the bag and looking at his watch.) Let's go out by the garden… Probably find a cab. Motor would make too much noise, and rouse the mater. She'll never get over this.

Flora. (Calmly.) Oh yes, she will. We all shall. (Stops.) But my trunks, and yours?

Cedric. I'll wire to Charlie from Liverpool Street to bring them down… Confound him!

Curtain