The Recruiting Officer

[Beats them off.

ACT THE THIRD

SCENE I

The Market Place Enter Plume and Worthy

Wor. I cannot forbear admiring the equality of our fortunes: we love two ladies, they meet us half way, and just as we were upon the point of leaping into their arms, fortune drops in their laps, pride possesses their hearts, a maggot fills their heads, madness takes them by the tails; they snort, kick up their heels, and away they run.

Plume. And leave us here to mourn upon the shore – a couple of poor melancholy monsters. What shall we do?

Wor. I have a trick for mine; the letter, you know, and the fortune-teller.

Plume. And I have a trick for mine.

Wor. What is't?

Plume. I'll never think of her again.

Wor. No!

Plume. No; I think myself above administering to the pride of any woman, were she worth twelve thousand a-year; and I ha'n't the vanity to believe I shall gain a lady worth twelve hundred. The generous, goodnatured Sylvia, in her smock, I admire; but the haughty and scornful Sylvia, with her fortune, I despise. – What! sneak out of town, and not so much as a word, a line, a compliment! – 'Sdeath! how far off does she live? I'll go and break her windows.

Wor. Ha! ha! ha! ay, and the window-bars too, to come at her. Come, come, friend, no more of your rough military airs.

Enter Kite

Kite. Captain! captain! Sir, look yonder; she's a-coming this way. 'Tis the prettiest, cleanest, little tit!

Plume. Now, Worthy, to show you how much I'm in love – here she comes. But, Kite, what is that great country fellow with her?

Kite. I can't tell, sir.

Enter Rose, followed by her Brother Bullock, withChickens on her Arm, in a Basket

Rose. Buy chickens, young and tender chickens, young and tender chickens.

Plume. Here, you chickens.

Rose. Who calls?

Plume. Come hither, pretty maid.

Rose. Will you please to buy, sir?

Wor. Yes, child, we'll both buy.

Plume. Nay, Worthy, that's not fair; market for yourself – Come, child, I'll buy all you have.

Rose. Then all I have is at your service.

[Courtesies.

Wor. Then must I shift for myself, I find.

[Exit.

Plume. Let me see; young and tender, you say.

[Chucks her under the Chin.

Rose. As ever you tasted in your life, sir.

Plume. Come, I must examine your basket to the bottom, my dear!

Rose. Nay, for that matter, put in your hand; feel, sir; I warrant my ware is as good as any in the market.

Plume. And I'll buy it all, child, were it ten times more.

Rose. Sir, I can furnish you.

Plume. Come, then, we won't quarrel about the price; they're fine birds. – Pray, what's your name, pretty creature!

Rose. Rose, sir. My father is a farmer within three short miles o' the town: we keep this market; I sell chickens, eggs, and butter, and my brother Bullock there sells corn.

Bul. Come, sister, haste – we shall be late home.

[Whistles about the Stage.

Plume. Kite! [Tips him the wink, he returns it.] Pretty Mrs. Rose – you have – let me see – how many?

Rose. A dozen, sir, and they are richly worth a crown.

Bul. Come, Rouse; I sold fifty strake of barley to-day in half this time; but you will higgle and higgle for a penny more than the commodity is worth.

Rose. What's that to you, oaf? I can make as much out of a groat as you can out of fourpence, I'm sure – The gentleman bids fair, and when I meet with a chapman, I know how to make the best of him – And so, sir, I say for a crown-piece the bargain's yours.

Plume. Here's a guinea, my dear!

Rose. I can't change your money, sir.

Plume. Indeed, indeed, but you can – my lodging is hard by, chicken! and we'll make change there.

[Goes off, she follows him.

Kite. So, sir, as I was telling you, I have seen one of these hussars eat up a ravelin for his breakfast, and afterwards pick his teeth with a palisado.

Bul. Ay, you soldiers see very strange things; but pray, sir, what is a rabelin?

Kite. Why, 'tis like a modern minc'd pie, but the crust is confounded hard, and the plums are somewhat hard of digestion.

Bul. Then your palisado, pray what may he be? Come, Rouse, pray ha' done.

Kite. Your palisado is a pretty sort of bodkin, about the thickness of my leg.

Bul. That's a fib, I believe. [Aside.] Eh! where's Rouse? Rouse, Rouse! 'Sflesh! where's Rouse gone?

Kite. She's gone with the captain.

Bul. The captain! wauns! there's no pressing of women, sure.

Kite. But there is, sure.

Bul. If the captain should press Rouse, I should be ruined – Which way went she? Oh! the devil take your rabelins and palisadoes!

[Exit.

Kite. You shall be better acquainted with them, honest Bullock, or I shall miss of my aim.

Enter Worthy

Wor. Why thou art the most useful fellow in nature to your captain, admirable in your way I find.

Kite. Yes, sir, I understand my business, I will say it.

Wor. How came you so qualified?

Kite.You must know, sir, I was born a gipsy, and bred among that crew till I was ten years old; there I learned canting and lying: I was bought from my mother Cleopatra by a certain nobleman for three pistoles, there I learned impudence and pimping: I was turned off for wearing my lord's linen, and drinking my lady's ratafia, and turned bailiff's follower; there I learned bullying and swearing: I at last got into the army; and there I learned whoring and drinking – so that if your worship pleases to cast up the whole sum, viz. canting, lying, impudence, pimping, bullying, swearing, whoring, drinking, and a halberd, you will find the sum total amount to a Recruiting Serjeant.

Wor. And pray what induced you to turn soldier?

Kite. Hunger and ambition. But here comes Justice Balance.

Enter Balance and Bullock

Bal. Here you, serjeant, where's your captain? here's a poor foolish fellow comes clamouring to me with a complaint that your captain has pressed his sister. Do you know any thing of this matter, Worthy?

Wor. Ha! ha! ha! I know his sister is gone with Plume to his lodging, to sell him some chickens.

Bal. Is that all? the fellow's a fool.

Bul. I know that, an't like your worship; but if your worship pleases to grant me a warrant to bring her before your worship, for fear of the worst.

Bal. Thou'rt mad, fellow; thy sister's safe enough.

Kite. I hope so too. [Aside.

Wor. Hast thou no more sense, fellow, than to believe that the captain can list women?

Bul. I know not whether they list them, or what they do with them, but I'm sure they carry as many women as men with them out of the country.

Bal. But how came you not to go along with your sister?

Bul. Lord, sir, I thought no more of her going than I do of the day I shall die: but this gentleman here, not suspecting any hurt neither, I believe – you thought no harm, friend, did you?

Kite. Lack-a-day, sir, not I – only that I believe I shall marry her to-morrow.

Bal. I begin to smell powder. Well, friend, but what did that gentleman with you?

Bul. Why, sir, he entertained me with a fine story of a great sea-fight between the Hungarians, I think it was, and the wild Irish.

Kite. And so, sir, while we were in the heat of battle – the captain carried off the baggage.

Bal. Serjeant, go along with this fellow to your captain, give him my humble service, and desire him to discharge the wench, though he has listed her.

Bul. Ay, and if she ben't free for that, he shall have another man in her place.

Kite. Come, honest friend, you shall go to my quarters instead of the captain's. [Aside.

[Exeunt Kite and Bullock.

Bal. We must get this mad captain his complement of men, and send him packing, else he'll overrun the country.

Wor. You see, sir, how little he values your daughter's disdain.

Bal. I like him the better: I was just such another fellow at his age: But how goes your affair with Melinda?

Wor. Very slowly. My mistress has got a captain too, but such a captain! – as I live, yonder he comes!

Bal. Who, that bluff fellow in the sash? I don't know him.

Wor. But I engage he knows you and every body at first sight: his impudence were a prodigy, were not his ignorance proportionable; he has the most universal acquaintance of any man living, for he won't be alone, and nobody will keep him company twice: then he's a Cæsar among the women, veni, vidi, vici, that's all. If he has but talked with the maid, he swears he has lain with the mistress: but the most surprising part of his character is his memory, which is the most prodigious and the most trifling in the world.

Bal. I have known another acquire so much by travel as to tell you the names of most places in Europe, with their distances of miles, leagues, or hours, as punctually as a postboy; but for any thing else as ignorant as the horse that carries the mail.

Wor. This is your man, sir, add but the traveller's privilege of lying, and even that he abuses: this is the picture, behold the life.

Enter Brazen

Brazen. Mr. Worthy, I'm your servant, and so forth – Harkye, my dear!

Wor. Whispering, sir, before company, is not manners, and when nobody's by 'tis foolish.

Brazen. Company! mort de ma vie! I beg the gentleman's pardon – who is he?

Wor. Ask him.

Brazen. So I will. My dear! I am your servant, and so forth – Your name, my dear?

Bal. Very laconic, sir.

Brazen. Laconic! a very good name truly. I have known several of the Laconics abroad. Poor Jack Laconic! he was killed at the battle of Landen. I remember that he had a blue ribband in his hat that very day, and after he fell, we found a piece of neat's tongue in his pocket.

Bal. Pray, sir, did the French attack us, or we them, at Landen?

Brazen. The French attack us! No, sir, we attacked them on the – I have reason to remember the time, for I had two-and-twenty horses killed under me that day.

Wor. Then, sir, you must have rid mighty hard.

Bal. Or, perhaps, sir, like my countrymen, you rid upon half a dozen horses at once.

Brazen. What do ye mean, gentlemen? I tell you they were killed, all torn to pieces by cannon-shot, except six I staked to death upon the enemy's cheveaux de frise.

Bal. Noble captain! may I crave your name?

Brazen. Brazen, at your service.

Bal. Oh, Brazen! a very good name. I have known several of the Brazens abroad.

Wor. Do you know one Captain Plume, sir?

Brazen. Is he any thing related to Frank Plume in Northamptonshire? – Honest Frank! many, many a dry bottle have we cracked hand to fist. You must have known his brother Charles, that was concerned in the India company; he married the daughter of Old Tonguepad, the master in Chancery, a very pretty woman, only she quinted a little; she died in child-bed of her first child, but the child survived: 'twas a daughter, but whether it was called Margaret or Margery, upon my soul, I can't remember. [Looking on his Watch.] But, gentlemen, I must meet a lady, a twenty thousand pounder, presently, upon the walk by the water – Worthy, your servant; Laconic, yours.

[Exit.

Bal. If you can have so mean an opinion of Melinda, as to be jealous of this fellow, I think she ought to give you cause to be so.

Wor. I don't think she encourages him so much for gaining herself a lover, as to set up a rival. Were there any credit to be given to his words, I should believe Melinda had made him this assignation. I must go see, sir, you'll pardon me.

[Exit.

Bal. Ay, ay, sir, you're a man of business – But what have we got here?

Enter Rose, singing

Rose. And I shall be a lady, a captain's lady, and ride single, upon a white horse with a star, upon a velvet side-saddle; and I shall go to London, and see the tombs, and the lions, and the king and queen. Sir, an please your worship, I have often seen your worship ride through our grounds a-hunting, begging your worship's pardon. Pray, what may this lace be worth a-yard? [Showing some Lace.

Bal. Right Mecklin, by this light! Where did you get this lace, child?

Rose. No matter for that, sir; I came honestly by it.

Bal. I question it much. [Aside.

Rose. And see here, sir, a fine Turkey-shell snuff-box, and fine mangere: see here. [Takes Snuff affectedly.] The captain learned me how to take it with an air.

Bal. Oh ho! the captain! now the murder's out. And so the captain taught you to take it with an air?

Rose. Yes; and give it with an air too. Will your worship please to taste my snuff? [Offers the Box affectedly.

Bal. You are a very apt scholar, pretty maid! And pray, what did you give the captain for these fine things?

Rose. He's to have my brother for a soldier, and two or three sweethearts I have in the country; they shall all go with the captain. Oh! he's the finest man, and the humblest withal! Would you believe it, sir? he carried me up with him to his own chamber, with as much fam-mam-mil-yararality, as if I had been the best lady in the land.

Bal. Oh! he's a mighty familiar gentleman as can be.

Enter Plume, singing

Plume.

But it is not soWith those that goThro' frost and snow —Most apropos,My maid with the milking pail.[Takes hold of Rose.

How, the justice! then I'm arraigned, condemned and executed.

Bal. Oh, my noble captain!

Rose. And my noble captain, too, sir.

Plume. 'Sdeath! child, are you mad? – Mr. Balance, I am so full of business about my recruits, that I ha'n't a moment's time to – I have just now three or four people to —

Bal. Nay, captain, I must speak to you —

Rose. And so must I too, captain.

Plume. Any other time, sir – I cannot, for my life, sir —

Bal. Pray, sir —

Plume. Twenty thousand things – I would – but – now, sir, pray – Devil take me – I cannot – I must – [Breaks away.

Bal. Nay, I'll follow you.

[Exit.

Rose. And I too.

[Exit.

SCENE II

The Walk by the Severn Side Enter Melinda and her Maid Lucy

Mel. And pray was it a ring, or buckle, or pendants, or knots; or in what shape was the almighty gold transformed, that has bribed you so much in his favour?

Lucy. Indeed, madam, the last bribe I had from the captain, was only a small piece of Flanders' lace, for a cap.

Mel. Ay, Flanders' lace is a constant present from officers to their women. They every year bring over a cargo of lace, to cheat the king of his duty, and his subjects of their honesty.

Lucy. They only barter one sort of prohibited goods for another, madam.

Mel. Has any of them been bartering with you, Mrs. Pert, that you talk so like a trader?

Lucy. One would imagine, madam, by your concern for Worthy's absence, that you should use him better when he's with you.

Mel. Who told you, pray, that I was concerned for his absence? I'm only vexed that I have had nothing said to me these two days: as one may love the treason and hate the traitor. Oh! here comes another captain, and a rogue that has the confidence to make love to me; but indeed, I don't wonder at that, when he has the assurance to fancy himself a fine gentleman.

Lucy. If he should speak o' th' assignation I should be ruined! [Aside.

Enter Brazen

Brazen. True to the touch, 'faith! [Aside.] Madam, I am your humble servant, and all that, madam. A fine river, this same Severn – Do you love fishing, madam?

Mel. 'Tis a pretty melancholy amusement for lovers.

Brazen. I'll go and buy hooks and lines presently; for you must know, madam, that I have served in Flanders against the French, in Hungary against the Turks, and in Tangier against the Moors, and I was never so much in love before; and split me, madam, in all the campaigns I ever made, I have not seen so fine a woman as your ladyship.

Mel. And from all the men I ever saw, I never had so fine a compliment: but you soldiers are the best bred men, that we must allow.

Brazen. Some of us, madam; but there are brutes among us too, very sad brutes; for my own part, I have always had the good luck to prove agreeable. I have had very considerable offers, madam – I might have married a German princess, worth fifty thousand crowns a-year, but her stove disgusted me. The daughter of a Turkish bashaw fell in love with me, too, when I was a prisoner among the Infidels; she offered to rob her father of his treasure, and make her escape with me; but I don't know how, my time was not come: hanging and marriage, you know, go by destiny: Fate has reserved me for a Shropshire lady, worth twenty thousand pounds. Do you know any such person, madam?

Mel. Extravagant coxcomb! [Aside.] To be sure, a great many ladies of that fortune would be proud of the name of Mrs. Brazen.

Brazen. Nay, for that matter, madam, there are women of very good quality of the name of Brazen.

Enter Worthy

Mel. Oh, are you there, gentleman? – Come, captain, we'll walk this way. Give me your hand.

Brazen. My hand, heart's blood, and guts, are at your service. Mr. Worthy, your servant, my dear!

[Exit, leading Melinda.

Wor. Death and fire! this is not to be borne!

Enter Plume

Plume. No more it is, 'faith.

Wor. What?

Plume. The March beer at the Raven. I have been doubly serving the king, raising men, and raising the excise. Recruiting and elections are rare friends to the excise.

Wor. You a'n't drunk?

Plume. No, no, whimsical only; I could be mighty foolish, and fancy myself mighty witty. Reason still keeps its throne, but it nods a little, that's all.

Wor. Then you're just fit for a frolic.

Plume. Just so.

Wor. Then recover me that vessel, from that Tangerine.

Plume. She's well rigged, but how is she manned?

Wor. By Captain Brazen, that I told you of to-day; she is called the Melinda, a first rate I can assure you; she sheered off with him just now, on purpose to affront me; but according to your advice I would take no notice, because I would seem to be above a concern for her behaviour; but have a care of a quarrel.

Plume. No, no; I never quarrel with any thing in my cups, but an oyster-wench, or a cookmaid, and if they ben't civil, I knock them down. But hearkye, my friend, I'll make love, and I must make love – I tell you what, I'll make love like a platoon.

Wor. Platoon! how's that?

Plume. I'll kneel, stoop, and stand, 'faith: most ladies are gained by platooning.

Wor. Here they come; I must leave you.

[Exit.

Plume. So! now must I look as sober and demure as a whore at a christening.

Enter Brazen and Melinda

Brazen. Who's that, madam?

Mel. A brother officer of yours, I suppose, sir.

Brazen. Ay – my dear!

[To Plume.

Plume. My dear!

[Run and embrace.

Brazen. My dear boy! how is't? Your name, my dear! If I be not mistaken, I have seen your face.

Plume. I never saw yours in my life, my dear – but there's a face well known as the sun's, that shines on all, and is by all adored.

Brazen. Have you any pretensions, sir?

Plume. Pretensions!

Brazen. That is, sir, have you ever served abroad?

Plume. I have served at home, sir, for ages served this cruel fair, and that will serve the turn, sir.

Mel. So, between the fool and the rake, I shall bring a fine spot of work upon my hands!

Brazen. Will you fight for the lady, sir?

Plume. No, sir, but I'll have her notwithstanding.

Thou peerless princess of Salopian plains,Envy'd by nymphs, and worshipp'd by the swains —

Brazen. Oons, sir! not fight for her?

Plume. Pr'ythee be quiet – I shall be out —

Behold, how humbly does the Severn glide,To greet thee, princess of the Severn side.

Brazen. Don't mind him, madam – if he were not so well dressed, I should take him for a poet; but I'll show you the difference presently. Come, madam, we'll place you between us, and now the longest sword carries her.

[Draws.

Mel. [Shrieking.]

Enter Worthy

Oh, Mr. Worthy! save me from these madmen!

[Exit with Worthy.

Plume. Ha! ha! ha! why don't you follow, sir, and fight the bold ravisher?

Brazen. No, sir, you are my man.

Plume. I don't like the wages; I won't be your man.

Brazen. Then you're not worth my sword.

Plume. No; pray what did it cost?

Brazen. It cost me twenty pistoles in France, and my enemies thousands of lives in Flanders.

Plume. Then they had a dear bargain.

Enter Sylvia, in Man's Apparel

Syl. Save ye, save ye! gentlemen.

Brazen. My dear, I'm yours.

Plume. Do you know the gentleman?

Brazen. No, but I will presently – Your name, my dear?

Syl. Wilful, Jack Wilful, at your service.

Brazen. What, the Kentish Wilfuls, or those of Staffordshire?

Syl. Both, sir, both; I'm related to all the Wilfuls in Europe, and I'm head of the family at present.

Plume. Do you live in the country, sir?

Syl. Yes, sir, I live where I stand; I have neither home, house, or habitation, beyond this spot of ground.

Brazen. What are you, sir?

Syl. A rake.

Plume. In the army, I presume.

Syl. No, but I intend to list immediately. Lookye, gentlemen, he that bids the fairest, has me.

Brazen. Sir, I'll prefer you; I'll make you a corporal this minute.

Plume. Corporal! I'll make you my companion; you shall eat with me.

Brazen. You shall drink with me. Then you shall receive your pay, and do no duty.

Syl. Then you must make me a field-officer.

Plume. Pho, pho, pho! I'll do more than all this; I'll make you a corporal, and give you a brevet for serjeant.

Brazen. Can you read and write, sir?

Syl. Yes.

Brazen. Then your business is done – I'll make you chaplain to the regiment.

Syl. Your promises are so equal, that I'm at a loss to chuse. There is one Plume, that I hear much commended, in town; pray, which of you is Captain Plume?

Plume. I am Captain Plume.

Brazen. No, no, I am Captain Plume.

Syl. Heyday!

Plume. Captain Plume! I'm your servant, my dear!

Brazen. Captain Brazen! I'm yours – The fellow dares not fight. [Aside.

Enter Kite

Kite. Sir, if you please —

[Goes to whisper Plume.

Plume. No, no, there's your captain. Captain Plume, your serjeant has got so drunk, he mistakes me for you.

Brazen. He's an incorrigible sot. Here, my Hector of Holborn, here's forty shillings for you.