A Trap for a Thought-Form. Playing Another Reality. M.A. Bulgakov award

“Hello!”

Roman sat down next to me and held out his hand. I cautiously held out mine in response. He looked at me, stroking the lines on my palm and probably changing something in them.

“Tell me, Alice, is this a magic place?”

“Yes, sure.”

“Should it somehow stir up the reality of whoever comes in contact with it?”

“Yes. Why?”

“Do you still want to leave?”

I withdrew my hand with a thought, “How does he know why I am here?”

“In your previous novel, you have already left the world,” having read my thoughts, Roman answered in the same mental way. “So, hasn’t your reality changed?”

“What do you mean?” I asked to clarify.

“Maybe what… or maybe whom,” I heard in response.

“I hope your next home task is… to sin?” Roman grinned aloud, nodding at the Sinner. “By the way, what swamp is he from?”

“The task is to repent,” I sighed. “He works in a school.”

“Sinners work in schools. Indeed, where else would they work? Why didn’t I guess it myself! Why to repent, Alice? Do you think those people who hurt others, and you in particular, really repented?”

“Leave it.”

“But they hurt you! Even deadly. Which of them ended up asking for forgiveness? No one? Ah-ah-ah! It’s not fair, is it?”

“Up there…”

“In Heaven?” Roman grinned venomously, reminding me of Ray. “And what did they do there, in Heaven, for you, so clean and bright? Have your offenders been punished? Was the balance of the Forces restored? Maybe they changed your life for the better? What kind of repentance are we talking about? Your abusers got their share of highs and continue to get maximum of Life! And you are dreaming of Death!”

I abruptly got up from the table, but immediately collided with…

“It’s time to announce the Open Mic,” the Guardian said.

“Yes, give me a second,” I nodded and turned to Roman. “They will never become true magicians. Write it down in your notebook. Did you buy it for nothing?”

Task No. 3. FORGIVENESS

…Start remembering your life from the very beginning, where you remember it from. The first person that will come to your mind is most likely your mother…

Go over your personal history for each person with whom you have come in contact in life, from your acquaintance to its completion or to the present moment, if you are still in contact, try to remember everything…

Ask to forgive you for what:

* you remember, and you feel uneasy at heart,

* you don’t remember, or maybe you don’t even know, but a person might have been inadvertently offended by you…

You must mentally relive your life anew, with each of those who were sent to you from Above. There was nothing accidental even in fleeting people. They and you, and each of us, are Teacher and Student at the same time.

Ask everyone to forgive you preferably verbally, by calling or meeting, if these people are alive… or mentally… You can write a letter in your magic notebook as well.

At the end of the work, you will face the most difficult thing – to forgive each of them. To forgive and let go forever without any emotions, except gratitude, so that later, remembering the person, nothing would shudder in your soul or would respond with pain.

Otherwise, you won’t be able to become what you really are, the Magician.

***

Having returned home, I lit the candles and began to scroll through my life, checking myself for the task I had given to Roman that evening, whether anyone could make me feel uneasy on the edge of leaving.

“How u, my girl?” a message appeared on the phone.

“Thank you, I am okay.”

“I come 2 u. Want?”

“Right now?!”

“Want 2 see u. U? Yes or not? Tell true. I come. No know when but not problem 2 come. When can fly, I come. I see Internet – fly cancelled. Borders closed. All closed. I come & go coffee with u! Tell u want 2. Yes?”

Chapter 4. DAMN MILL

“Is another witch coming here from ‘The Damn Mill’? ” a familiar voice came from behind.

“You guessed it wrong,” I turned around and smiled to the Guardian. “We have swamp hellcats on the menu tonight!”

“How many at once? Straight from the swamps? Coffee?”

“Well, a few, I think, but the most important is their Master, and yes, from the swamp, and yes, double espresso with milk, please!” I sat down at a table in the cafe. “The swamp is real, you can be sure of that. I’ve got a whole basket of cranberries. The author bears the ominous stamp of Saturn at XII. Don’t bother, if you are not aware of the interpretations. Probably, judging by the verses, we are facing a partial reincarnation of the early Alexander Blok. By the way, our hero saves people.”

“In the swamp? From the swamp hellcats?” the Guardian grinned, handing me coffee.

“Perhaps,” I replied evasively.

“And why ‘The Damn Mill’?”

“Ask him yourself. He would have won the Blok Prize, if not for his Saturn at XII.”

“Does he write really well?”

“Relatively not bad.”

“Is he damn swampy in love with you?” the Guardian looked into my eyes with curiosity.

“How old are you?” I asked, changing the subject.

“Does it matter? I don’t care,” he answered in such a way that I shuddered, remembering Pasha’s words.

The Guardian turned out to be the same age as Roman, and, compared to Pasha, practically the same age as me. Maybe I paid too much attention to it.

I finished my coffee. The Guardian glanced at the bottom of my cup, in the thick of it…

“What do you see there?” I asked.

“A portal,” he whispered in my ear and laughed.

***

I welcomed the guests and called on the stage to the Giant Mirror the gloomiest personality among the poets of our time, the author of “The Damn Mill”, who then recited his swamp-gothic poems, mixing them with talks to the guests.

Suddenly, the light in the hall – already gloomy, either due to not enough bright light, or in the light of the darkest verses and emanations of Saturn at XII – went out. The Guardian of the Portal instantly lit an antique candle lantern and asked the guests not to worry, since such phenomena with electricity was the most common one in anomalous zones, for that reason there were candlesticks on each table. After just a couple of minutes, their light illuminated the space, and the party went on.

The Guardian disappeared backstage to deal with the electricity, or rather, with the spirits that were pranking with it. I noticed Roman sitting at my table which had a candle light, too. Romance!

Saturn at XII couldn’t help but notice whom I kept glancing at during the presentation, and, instead of chatting with the hellcats during the break, he headed straight for me.

“Alice, what are you doing tonight?” he asked gloomily as I landed at my table by Roman.

“Meditation,” I breathed it out and looked at Roman the way the girls did, giving a man the right to correct them in case…

However, Roman was watching Saturn at XII and me with interest, clearly not intending to interfere.

“Would you like to meditate with me?” the Master of the swamp hellcats did not give up.

“In the swamp?” flashed through my head.

“Don’t you like swamps?” I heard Roman’s voice in my mind.

“It depends on whose swamp and with whom to meditate,” I answered Roman, catching and immediately cutting myself off at the thought that…

“Sorry, I meditate alone only.”

Probably, Saturn would never have left Roman and me alone, if not for a flock of hellcats who flew up to the hero of the party for an autograph, while dreaming of moving to his swamps for a permanent residence.

“Were you able to forgive everyone?” Roman asked, bringing me back to yesterday’s task.

I knew exactly who he meant from the swamp in which we had met, however, since I had no desire to discuss my Past with Roman, I avoided answering.

“Are we talking about me now?”

For a moment, I even thought, “Why? Why don’t I want to chat with Roman about the Past, that he already knows, in part, being a witness to it? Maybe because the Past, that made us met, separated us as well, preventing me to approach him? Or because I suddenly, just for a moment, wished to see Roman in my Future? In the very one, which in 36 nights – or how many of them left? – doesn’t exist anymore!.. Stop all this nonsense!” I interrupted the flow of daring thoughts so as not to get lost in worthless fantasies.

“Didn’t you say yesterday,” Roman suddenly put his arm around my shoulder, pulling me to him and moving to a whisper, “that every person is Teacher and Student at the same time? In some way, you are certainly Master for me, but in some way, perhaps, my Student as well. No?”

The electric light came back as suddenly as it had gone away.

I pulled away from Roman abruptly.

The Guardian appeared from behind the black curtain and blew out the antique lantern, however, the candles on the guests’ tables kept burning for a long time.

“The next task is one of the easiest.”

Task No. 4. THANKSGIVING

…Remember at least 50 people who have influenced your destiny. They can be not only parents, but also writers, not only kind people, but those who offended you. The important is that thanks to these people some positive changes took place in you and / or your life.

Make a list of these people, and then mentally turn to everyone and thank, from the bottom of your heart, sincerely, even those who hurt you. They were sent to you from Above and exclusively for the good. However, sometimes it is possible to understand this only many years later. Or, how Sergey Yesenin wisely formulated, “You cannot see a face to face, you can see great things at a distance.”

The Guardian of the Portal approached me and defiantly rang the bell. The break was over. I went onto the stage and announced the Open Mic. The Cat materialized in Roman’s place.

***

“Why u not want I call u?”

“It’s night.”

“Want see u face. See u. No fly. Cancelled. I want u… Translation: I want to hug and kiss you everywhere… Want?”

“Stop, Pasha…”

“No! I want u! Many years u near I wanted… I saw u not can touch u. I like u much much much! U beautiful. But u distance! U not want?.. Yes or no?.. Tell me true! Tell u want so 2!”

“I am tired. I want to sleep.”

“I want 2 sleep with u! I want u much much much! Translation: I want you. Is it bad to say what you feel? Tell me what I’m wrong about?”

Chapter 5. UCATANAGON

I flew into the Mansion five minutes before the fixed time of our literary party, but the Blizzard was delaying the guests.

“Hello!” the Guardian, as usual, graciously relieved me of the snow-powdered furs and handed them over to the hanger. “Who are you going to introduce to the public today? The cryptic book title on the poster is a real charade! ‘Ucatanagon’, is it about some ‘Cat’? Or is it just something ‘gone’? Another Swampy? Baba Yaga? Or the skeleton of Koschey the Immortal?”

“You won’t believe the truth,” I whispered mysteriously as I walked into the cafe.

“One of the Rainbow?!” mirroring my whisper, the Guardian supposed and followed me to make us coffee.

“No, the Rainbow is still ahead of us! And here… how to explain… The annotation says, it’s like a mystical fantasy about options for the further development of mankind, ruled by Ucatanagon with a certain Ma… However, as you read along, you find the bear having non-standard love with the fox, and then killing it. The bull is engaged in even more unconventional relationship with…”

“S-stop-stop-stop! I see!” the Guardian laughed, handing me a double espresso with milk. “I figured out who the Ucatanagon is!”

“It seems to me that even the author himself didn’t understand who Ucatanagon was, but that doesn’t matter anymore.”

The hall was gradually flooded with guests.

“I look at them,” the Guardian said thoughtfully, “and I think, isn’t it the Ball of…? You know whom I mean…”

“The Ball is scheduled for the 40th night… Tell me, is the Portal located in the postbox room, where letters to the Creator are written?”

“I can’t answer that question,” the Guardian sighed with a shrug.

“I felt it there… Are there other rooms nearby?”

“Yes, there is one next to the postbox room.”

“Could you open it for me? For a couple of minutes, while the guests are gathering…”

We sailed into an adjoining room, where I slowly spun around the table. The walls were full of…

“Would you like me to make an exhibition of your paintings here?” the Guardian suddenly offered.

“How do you know I paint?”

“You gave me your ‘Moon Cat’, there is your painting on the cover, ‘The Girl and the Cat’. And inside the book, there are the same Girl and the Cat, already as drawings. You have a lot of works about the Girl and the Cat. They are very relevant here. So, do you want an exhibition?”

“I think it’s better to gift the rest of that serial paintings to the Mansion. Some have already been sold, some have been donated… I will bring you the paintings on the 40th night as my gift for the Museum. Yes?”

The Guardian didn’t answer. I thought about it, and suddenly, in the silence, I felt that…

“The Portal! Is it HERE?!” I exclaimed in surprise.

The Guardian smiled.

“Listen, it can’t be like that! I felt the Portal there, and now it’s here?!”

The Guardian came up to me and carefully ran his hand through my hair.

“You are very beautiful, Alice…”

The door opened, the Cat appeared on the threshold.

“Meow?!!!”

“He seems to be jealous,” the Guardian smiled, and we returned to the hall.

***

While the Zoo lover was sharing with the guests his vague concepts of the further development of mankind and answered questions, I kept glancing at my table with a lonely cup of coffee bored on it.

I felt… sad…

I admitted to myself that I got used to the appearance of Roman at our literary parties. I was afraid he wouldn’t come again.

During the break, I was back at the table when the door to the hall opened and…

“Hello,” Roman smiled, taking a seat next to me.

“Do you want coffee?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“So you’re not a phantom after all!” I exhaled in relief.

“What if you are a phantom, like me, and like your coffee?” I heard in response.

“And like the Guardian? And this house?” I continued my train of thought.

“And like all these guests,” Roman finished it there.

“When are we going to walk through walls?” Roman asked me aloud, sipping his coffee.

“As soon as we become phantoms,” I replied. “First, reset to zero to become wizard. The tasks I give you now, in fact, have to be done with a certain frequency, not just once. These are the rules of magicians’ life. They exist on a par with the rules of ordinary people life, like brushing your teeth, for example.”

“Okay. Have you already thanked everyone mentally?” Roman remembered my previous task.

The bell rang before I could think of a response.

Roman leaned towards me.

“In my opinion, the Guardian is jealous,” he whispered. “The break ends somehow quickly.”

“Write down the task!”

Task No. 5. WISHING WISHES

…Make a list of all your possible ill-wishers (of course, there shouldn’t be any, but they inevitably appear from time to time). Even if you have completed the task of repentance and forgiveness, even if you have personally reconciled with everyone, and you have been really (not in words) forgiven, wish everyone from the bottom of your heart exactly what he lacks, and / or what you want to receive for yourself personally, if you don’t know what the ill-wisher needs.

Address your request directly to God or to the Higher Forces. If you want mutual love, wish it to your enemy, ask God himself of mutual love for that person… If you know that someone envies you, because you bought a cottage in the Seychelles, ask the Higher Forces to gift the similar cottage to the envious person. It’s important to wish good to your enemies absolutely sincerely, as to yourself.

In this case, the Mirror Effect is triggered:

* you get what you wish for another person, or

* the negative is removed from what is envied,

* the balance of Forces is restoring,

* the theme of forgiveness is being worked through once more.

The Guardian approached me and defiantly rang the bell again. I cast a parting glance at Roman and went onto the stage to announce the Open Mic.

***

Having returned home, I thought about my current task.

“What should I wish for my ill-wishers if I disappear forever in 35 nights? I want to find the Portal and leave for Another Reality. I can’t wish the same for them, can I? Let them live, as Roman correctly noted, enjoying life. What do they still wish of not having yet? I have no idea, because, in my opinion, they, unlike me, have absolutely everything and even much more. For such people, one can wish good health only. For another 100 years, or better yet for 1,000!”

I lit a candle and made a list, which turned out to be quite long, if not gigantic. I decided to play it safe and listed everyone I had communicated in my life with and who, in my opinion, had not yet passed into the Other World.

“God, send these people health! Let all their bodies work properly, let them live as long as they need to fulfill their destiny, plus the same amount to enjoy simple human happiness.”

And, barely finishing the phrase, I received a message from Pasha.

“Love u, my girl. Think u. U what think me? Why u not want I call? U were on TV? U win final? U were Museum party, yes? I see u photo Internet. How party was? Good? Tell me how u! I want 2 be with u now. In Museum 2. But no fly… I want 2 live with u. U with me live. Where country u want? I want Germany or Russie. U? Greece no work, difficult… I want open restaurant fish / meat. Why u silent?”

Chapter 6. NOWHERE is NOW HERE

The Guardian met me at the door.

“Frozen?” he asked, having heard the Blizzard howling outside, as I entered the Mansion.

“I like winter,” I smiled.

For some reason, the Guardian froze, looking at me as at a sudden glitch in the Matrix.

“Are you sure you prefer winter to spring?” he asked once more.

“Yes, why? The Blizzard is real magic! Does it matter?” I was surprised.

The Guardian hung my furs on a hanger and followed me into the cafe disappointedly.

“Today you will introduce us a Little Imp, won’t you?” he asked, making coffee for me.

“No, an ordinary old Waterman from ‘Nowhere’.”

“Wow! Is No-where now-here!? Or ‘here and now’?”

“Imagine! He has been looking for Nowhere all his life. Anyway, I think he found it in his book.”

“Then what is he doing here if he has found what he was looking for?” the Guardian got surprised.

“Do you mean the Mansion is visited by only those who are still in search?”

The Guardian brought me coffee.

“You are even cooler than I imagined,” he sighed for some reason.

“Is it bad?”

The Guardian didn’t answer, since the Cat approached us.

“Me-e-ow…”

***

The Waterman appeared in the hall without a retinue, swam to the stage and, without ceasing to swim along it in one direction or the other, immersed the guests into a trance with tales about his search for Nowhere all over the globe. From time to time, he took out ancient maps with blurry signs and symbols, but his melodic voice had a much stronger effect on the audience.

I watched the guests evenly nodding their heads in a trance, and at some point they seemed to be… puppets. I closed my eyes, and then opened them and saw… Ray! I screamed and closed my eyes once more. Someone grabbed my arm from the right side of the Giant Mirror. I opened my eyes again and saw the Guardian.

“What’s wrong?” he asked ingratiatingly.

I looked back into the hall, but there was Roman at my table. It was too stuffy there. “Just a mirage…”

“Nothing,” I exhaled, “why?”

The Guardian silently stepped away behind the curtains that separated us from the rest of the Mansion. I announced the break and moved to my table. However, as luck would have it, the Impurities flocked to me with questions!

I dreamed of being alone with Roman, but the Impurities’ flow never stopped, and the Guardian loomed behind the guests in the distance. He was watching me. Silently. Intently. As if the flow between us was something unreal and phantom, and the real ones were the Guardian himself, me and…

I looked at Roman. He was sitting next to me, very close, patiently waiting for…

“I wanted to tell you,” I said mentally, struggling in vain to get away from the Impurities, “there is something wrong here!”

“Who would have doubted!” I heard in reply and looked at the Guardian, who stood at the door still watching me, or us.

“I’m scared,” I confessed to Roman and gently touched his hand for fear he could disappear. However, Roman neither disappeared, nor answered me. I asked still mentally, “Don’t disappear, please!”

“How are you doing in wishing Good to Evil?” Roman asked aloud.

“I hope they heard me yesterday… both here and there…”

The Guardian, apparently tired of standing at the door, approached us. He defiantly took out the bell and, holding it right at the level of my third eye, began to ring it.

The Guardian rang endlessly and so loudly that the small bell in his hand seemed to be transformed into a huge one! The bell was deafened me with its funeral ring, but I could swear, no one else in the hall heard it!

I covered my ears with my hands, the Guardian kept ringing. Roman reached for the bell to stop it in the Guardian’s hands. So did the Cat, who had suddenly jumped on the table and touched the bell with his paw. The Guardian stopped mocking me, turned around and abruptly left the hall. The Cat followed him.

The guests returned to their seats after the break.

“What was that?” I asked Roman silently.

“That’s what is wrong here,” came the meaningful reply.

“Alice,” Roman said aloud, “are you going to make me ‘The Magician’?”

I wasn’t just going to. I really wanted Roman to become Him.

“Then don’t stop, Alice!”

Task No. 6. The BRIDGE of HELP

…Look through everyone you know, both close and distant, to find out who is now harder than you. Perhaps someone needs help, material or spiritual support. Help them. As much as you can, in whatever way you can. Free of charge. Don’t make it public. You have the right to ask them or not to ask a specific question, “How can I help you?” Having asked, listen carefully to the answer. Don’t do anything they don’t ask. Don’t promise what you can’t do. Don’t argue if you think they don’t need that. Just do your best of what they have asked for. Or think of someone else who can help, and become a bridge between them. Help at least one person a month…

                                                  ***

“Hi… How Museum party?”

“Thank you, Pasha. Are you lonely?”

“No family. Home. Hard. I job Germany, contract, but all closed.”

“You’re not working right now, are you?”