The Boston Dip

Eva. But Ida —

Ida. Don’t stop to talk. Come quick! quick! (Drags her off, R.)

Mulligrub (aside). Ha, ha! Dip’s left on the brink again.

Dasher (jumping up). Confound that girl! I’ve lost the chance. This comes of making a long story about a very short question. The precipice was a failure. I’ll go and pump the friend of the family. (Exit, C. Mulligrub comes from screen.)

Mulligrub. That can’t be Dip, after all. He’s after Eva. But he can’t have her. Thanks to his confidential assurance, I can send him over the precipice into the valley of disappointed hopes in short order.

Enter Kids, c

Kids. Now weally, I saw Miss Ida enter this woom, positively saw her, and now she’s gone. Hallo! an intrudaw. Sir, I have not the honow of your acquaintance. This woom is the wesort, the westing-place of a bevy of divine goddesses. No masculine mortals are allowed to entaw here.

Mulligrub. Show! then you are not a masculine mortal, I take it.

Kids. Sir, you are impertinent. I am – I am a particular fwiend of the lady who is the lawful possessor of this wesort.

Mulligrub (aside). Can this be Dip? (Aloud.) Sir, I am a particular friend of the lady in question, being the brother of her husband’s brother.

Kids. Weally, the bwover of her husband’s bwover. Pon honow, that’s a sort of cwoss-eyed welation.

Mulligrub. What do you mean by that? Do you doubt my right to be here?

Kids. Hey? wight? – no, no. (Aside.) He must be a witch welation. (Aloud.) Do you know Mr. Mulligwub?

Mulligrub. Intimately.

Kids. I say, would it be a good inwestment to wun away with a membaw of his family?

Mulligrub (aside). It must be Dip. Shall I mash him? No, no, the proof first. (Aloud.) Splendid! Can I help you?

Kids. Well, I don’t know. He’s a wough specimen, and he so vulgaw. Sold fish in a handcart, too. I detest fish, it’s on such a low scale. Now isn’t that good? It’s owiginal, too. I don’t like the odaw. Dreadful low people, but then, there’s lots of money. Yaas, I think I will sacwafice myself.

Mulligrub (aside). I’ll sacrifice you, you monkey. (Aloud.) But tell me, who is the favored member of the family?

Kids. Hush! somebody’s coming. You must wetire.

Mulligrub. What, and lose the fun? No, I thank you.

Kids. You must, weally. The lady is coming. It would shock her delicate nerves were you to be pwesent at the interview. So go, that’s a dear fellah. (Pushes him back, C.)

Mulligrub (aside). He calls me a good fellah. Shall I fell him on the spot? No, I’ll wait; vengeance can afford to wait.

Kids. Do wetire, and, when it’s all ovaw, I will call you. (Pushes him back, C.) Good fellah.

Mulligrub. You’ll call me when it’s all over. (Aside.) I’ll be on hand while it’s going on.

[Exit, C.

Kids. There, the bwover of the husband’s bwover is excluded from the apartment of the wife of the bwover’s husband – no, that ain’t it, it’s the bwover’s wife’s husband – no, or – (Mulligrub enters, C., and gets behind screen.) Here she comes, lovely as a poppy, because she’s got a rich poppy. That’s good – owiginal, too.

Enter Ida, r

Ida. Here I am, Mr. Kids, to fulfill my promise.

Kids. Yaas, Miss Ida, like the bounding fawn that – that – weally, I forget what the bounding fawn was doing – O, weally, bounding, of course. That’s very good – isn’t it? – owiginal, too. But where was the bounding fawn bound? that’s the question.

Ida. I wish I could answer your question, but, not being versed in natural history, I am unable to say.

Kids. Weally. Well, never mind the fawn. Listen, O, listen! I’m a miserable wetch, I am.

Ida. Miserable? you?

Kids. Yaas, weally. I’m standing – I’m standing, – where am I standing? – O, on the bwink of a howid pwecipice.

Mulligrub (sticking his head above screen). Hallo! another brink, another precipice, and – Ida, as I live.

Ida. La, Mr. Kids, what a dangerous position.

Mulligrub (aside). Kids; then it’s not Dip, that’s certain.

Kids. O, dweadful, dweadful. But you can save me.

Ida. How, Mr. Kids?

Kids. That’s the ideah, Miss Ida; for when a fellah is on the bwink of such a pwecipice, as the pwecipice I am on the bwink of, the best way to save him is to push him ovaw.

Ida. Well, that’s certainly an original idea.

Kids. Yaas, it is an owiginal, idea – mine, too – I found it in my bwain, with the help of the diwectory. When a fellah’s on the bwink of matwimony, of course his safety and his happiness is secured by his being pushed into it. You see my ideah.

Mulligrub (aside). Deuced clumsy one.

Ida. But how can I help you?

Kids. By pushing me ovaw. Miss Ida, you are bewitching, you are lovely, you are divine, and on my knees I ask you (falls on his knees L. of Ida) to give me a push.

Mulligrub (aside). Confounded jackass.

Ida. But, Mr. Kids, I don’t understand. You’re so – so – (Aside.) Where can Eva be? (Aloud.) You say you are on the brink of a precipice.

Kids. Howid, howid; and if you consent to be —

Enter Eva, r

Eva. Quick, quick, Ida! mother’s fainted.

Ida. You don’t mean it?

Eva. Yes, yes, come quick! What are you waiting for?

Ida. But Mr. Kids is on the brink of a precipice.

Eva. Let him stay there. Come with me. (Drags Eva off, R.)

Mulligrub (aside). Won’t somebody be kind enough to remove that precipice?

Kids (rising). Yaas, weally, that owiginal ideah will kill me, I know it will. I must go and bathe my head in Cologne, I must weally. Miss Ida didn’t push well; in fact, I don’t believe she’s fond of pushing fellah’s ovaw, I don’t, weally.

[Exit, C.

Mulligrub (comes from behind screen). I don’t think that’s Dip – I don’t, weally. Egad! those girls of mine are determined not to be caught by chaff. I wonder if I can say as much for the old lady. I wish she would make her appearance. This must be the room. Ah, here she comes. Now for something interesting. (Runs behind screen.)

Enter Mrs. Mulligrub, r

Mrs. M. The fiddlers are tuning up for a waltz, and if Munseer Adonis is to keep his word now is the time. I wonder what Moses would say if he knew what I was about. But he can’t know. He’s safe at home, and there’s certainly no harm in obtaining a graceful inquisition to my other accomplishments. (Music, Beautiful Blue Danube, soft and low.) There they go. O, isn’t that splendid. (Waltzes about stage in a very awkward manner.)

Mulligrub (with head above screen). What’s the matter with Hannah? She’s bobbing about the room like a turkey with’s its head off.

Enter Monsieur Adonis, r

Mons. A. Charmant, charmant! (Music stops.) Madam, you are ze ecstasy of motion. You have ze grace of ze antelope, and ze step of ze fairy.

Mrs. M. O, don’t! You have come —

Mons. A. Wiz ze “Boston Dip,” as I have promise.

Mulligrub (aside). “Boston Dip.” That’s him – the scoundrel!

Mrs. M. O, I’m so nervous.

Mulligrub (aside). You ought to be, you hypocrite.

Mons. M. Zar is not ze least occasion. We are here alone.

Mulligrub (aside). Not quite, Dip, not quite.

Mons. A. No one will dare to enter here. Zar is none to look at you but I, and am I not discretion itself, madam?

Mrs. M. O, you are the soul of honor.

Mulligrub (aside). Humbug!

Mons. M. Now, zar is no time to lose. Permit me. (Takes her hand and leads her C.)

Mulligrub (aside). Dip’s taking her hand. I shall choke!

Mons. A. Put your left hand in mine – so.

Mulligrub (aside). She obeys him. Ah, faithless Hannah!

Mons. A. Zat is good. Do not tremble – zar is no danger.

Mulligrub (aside). Don’t be so sure of that.

Mons. A. Now, my arm around your waist – so.

Mulligrub (aside). O, perfidious Hannah!

Mons. A. Now let your head drop upon ze collar of my coat. Ah, zat is good, zat is exquisite.

Mulligrub. She presses his collar, and my cholar is rising. I shall choke with rage.

Mons. M. All right. Now, one, two, three, and off we go.

Mulligrub (pushing the screen over on to the floor. Discovered standing in a chair, with doubled fist). Stop! (Very loud.)

Mrs. M. Ah! (Screams, and falls into Monsieur Adonis’s arms.)

Mons. A. Sacre! Who calls so loud?

Mulligrub. An injured husband.

Mrs. M. (jumping up). O, it’s Moses!

Mulligrub. Yes, it is Moses! Moses the deluded; Moses the deceived; Moses the betrayed; Moses on the brink of a precipice.

Mom. A. Moses! – Who be Moses?

Mrs. M. My husband.

Mons. A. Monsieur Mulligrub! O, ze light break upon my head.

Mulligrub (jumping down). Tremble, rascal! You’re discovered. Woman, begone! O, Hannah! can I believe my eyes. You – you make an appointment with such a miserable, contemptible, sneaking cur as that? But I’ll be revenged, rascal! (Takes Monsieur Adonis by throat.) Blaster of peaceful families (shaking him), I’ll have your life!

Mons. A. Help! help! I am choke all over too much! Help! help!

Mrs. M. O, Moses, spare him!

Mulligrub. Never! I’ll shake the life out of him. Rascal!

Mons. A. Help! somebody, quick!

Mulligrub. Scoundrel!

Mons. A. Help! help! He squeeze my windpipe all too much.

Enter, r., Ida and Eva; c., Dasher and Kids

Eva. Father here?

Ida. And fighting?

Dasher. What is the meaning of this?

Kids. Weally, a wow, a wiot, a wumpus!

Mulligrub. Meaning of it! Look at this miserable wretch! – this thing who answers to the name of “Boston Dip.”

All. “Boston Dip.”

Mons. A. Sar, you insult me. My name is Monsieur Achilles Adonis.

Eva. And “Boston Dip” is the name given to the latest movement of the waltz.

Mulligrub. What, not the name of an individual? Then, what is the meaning of that? (Shows note.)

Mons. A. Zat is my note, monsieur.

Mrs. M. Yes, written by me to Monsieur Adonis, asking him to give me a private lesson here.

Eva. And father thought it a love affair? O, father!

Ida. A man with the name of “Boston Dip!” O, father!

Dasher. Friend of the family, you’ve made a mistake.

Kids. Yaas, dipped into the wong man. Now isn’t that good – owiginal, too.

Mulligrub (looks at each in a foolish manner, then takes Mrs. Mulligrub by the hand; leads her C., and kneels). Hannah, I’m on the brink of a frightful precipice. I’ve made a fool of myself. Forgive me, and let’s go home.

Mrs. M. I think you have, Moses.

Dasher. There’s not the least doubt of it.

Kids. Yaas, Moses into the bull-wushes! That’s good – weally owiginal, too.

Mulligrub (rising). Monsieur Adonis, I beg your pardon for my rudeness. I will make amends, ample reparation. Greenbacks shall shower upon your classic academy. To you, gentlemen, I need make no apologies. You see the old man has “cut up,” and perhaps may be made to “shell out.” I don’t think my girls will be able to assist you on that precipice. With your permission, I will retire.

Eva. Don’t go, father. Stay and enjoy yourself.

Ida. And see us waltz. We have splendid partners.

Mons. A. Proficient in all ze elegancies of ze art.

Mrs. M. Moses, I’m ashamed of you. You’re really proficient in the usages of fashionable depravity; but I’ll forgive you, and make you acquainted with my new flame, one which you so grievously mistook, my harmless pet, “The Boston Dip.” (Music, Beautiful Blue Danube. Mr. Mulligrub bows, and retires up, C. Waltz, Monsieur Adonis and Mrs. Mulligrub; Dasher and Eva; Kids and Ida.)

CURTAIN