Sheppard Lee, Written by Himself. Vol. II (of 2)

CHAPTER VIII.

THE SAME SUBJECT CONTINUED

Another evil that befell me about the same time, was equally afflicting. A negro-man that had fled from bondage in a neighbouring state, being sharply hunted, and about to be captured by the person that called him his property, I carried him to my house, and there concealed him for three days and mights, until his master had departed; "For," said I, "of a surety, slavery is a bitter pill, and one that cures neither the rheumatism nor the ague; and, therefore, why should my brother Pompey be compelled to swallow it?" My brother Pompey, having eaten, drunk, and slept at my expense for the three days mentioned, disappeared on the morning of the fourth before daylight, carrying with him twenty-seven pounds of silver, in spoons, teapots, and other vessels, the three watches belonging to myself, my nephew, and Abel Snipe, as well as Jonathan's best coat and trousers. Verily, I was confounded at the fellow's ingratitude, and the loss of my valuables, all of which, however, though broken up, it was my good fortune to recover, together with the three watches. The thief himself, being taken, was clapped into jail for a while, and then surrendered to his master, and carried back to bondage; and this stirring up the choler of the free Africans in town, they did naught but cry out upon me as the author of his misfortune, surrounding my house with a mob, and proceeding to the length of even burning it down. At least, the house taking fire, and manifestly by the act of an incendiary, it was charged by my friends upon these raging foolish people, though I was never able to prove it upon any one in particular. As my good fortune would have it, Abel Snipe had taken out a policy of ensurance, so that I recovered the money from the company; but not without going to law, the company averring that my humanity rendered me careless.

I caused another dwelling to be built; and, in building it, received another strong and inconvenient proof, not merely of man's ingratitude, but of his natural hostility to the charity which benefits his neighbours. I bought my marble out of the prison, in order to encourage industry among the prisoners, and thus lighten the load of taxation on the community at large. This being known, the marble-cutters fell into wrath, denounced me as the friend of villany and the enemy of honest industry; and being joined by the shoemakers, who had put me down in their character-book as a patron to none but prison-workmen, and by divers other mechanics that had some grudge of the same kind, they seized upon me, as I stood surveying my rising mansion, and bedaubed me from head to foot with thick whitewash, painting in great black letters, on the broad of my back, the following words, namely – "THE ROGUE'S FRIEND;" which caused me, after I had escaped from their hands, to be hooted at by boys and men along the street, and to be bitten by a great cur-dog, that was amazed at my appearance.

Another misfortune, still more distressing, befell me one day, as I walked among the western suburbs, seeking whom I might relieve. I espied a company of men surrounding a ring, made with stakes and ropes, in which two wretched creatures were stripping off their garments, with the intention to do battle upon one another with their fists. These were gentlemen of the fancy, as it is called; though imagination can paint nothing of a more grossly animal and brutish character, afar from all that is fanciful, than that very class that calls itself of the fancy. I was shocked that the poor creatures should, in their ignorance, agree to maul and beat one another, for the amusement of a mob; and I was concerned that a mob, containing so many rational beings, should be willing to harry on two such silly fellows to harm each other for their pastime. I stepped among them, therefore, and addressed them, exhorting them to peace and harmony; and this producing but little effect on them, I upbraided them with breaking the laws, both human and divine, and assured them I would go hunt up the police, to prevent the mischief they meditated. Alas! how ungratefully they used me! There was a man at a distance who was heating a great pot of tar, to pay the bottom of a canal-boat; and just a moment before, a carter had stopped to look on the affray, leaving on the roadside his cart, on which, among other articles of domestic furniture, was an old feather-bed, lying on the top of all. The devil had surely brought these things upon the ground, that his sinful children, the gentlemen of the fancy, might be at no loss how to testify their hatred of humanity. The very combatants themselves were the first to seize me, and cry out, "Tar and feather the old Bother'em! Douse down the bed, and dab the pot off the fire." And "Daub him well!" they cried, all the while that their wretched companions, drowning the cries I made for assistance, with savage yells of rage and merriment, covered me from head to foot with the nasty pitch, and then, tearing the bed to pieces, emptied its contents over my reeking body. Then, having feathered me all over, and so transformed me that I looked more like an ostrich than a human being, they tied me to a post, where I was forced to remain, looking upon the fight that immediately ensued between the champions. A horrid sight it was; but I was so devoured with shame and indignation, that I should have cared little had they dashed each other's brains out. So much I endured for exhorting men to live together in peace and amity.

The very beasts seemed to conspire to treat me with ingratitude. My first effort in their cause was an attempt I made one day, on the tow-path near the Water-Works, to protect a poor broken-down barge-horse, which the driver was cruelly beating. My interference cost me a dip in the basin, the man, who was both savage and strong, pitching me in headlong, and (what I deemed still more provoking) a kick from the horse, who let fly at me with his heels, merely because mine, as they were tripped into the air, came in contact with his hind-quarters; so that I was both lamed and half drowned for my charity.

In the same way, I was scratched half to death, and much more savagely than I had been before by the needle-women, by a cat that I took out of a dog's mouth, – without counting upon a nip that I had from the cur also. And, to end this small catalogue of animal ingratitude, I may say, that, within a fortnight after, I was served in the same way by a rat that I strove to liberate from the fangs of my own gray tabby; for, while Tabby was clawing at my fingers, the rat took me by the thumb; and between them I was near perishing with lockjaw, the weather being uncommonly hot, and the time midsummer.

There were a thousand other mischances of a like nature which befell me, but which I have not leisure to describe, nor even to enumerate. Some few of them, however, I think proper to record; but, to save space, I will clap them into a short list, along with those already mentioned, where they may be examined at a glance, and where, in that glance, the reader may perceive what are sometimes the rewards of philanthropy.

I. Beaten by a drunkard whom I had taken out of prison, and bailed to keep the peace.

II. Mulcted out of $100 surety-money, because my gentleman broke the peace by beating me.

III. Driven, and almost kicked, out of a man's workshop, because I asked payment of a loan made without bond or voucher.

IV. My nose pulled by a merchant to whom I had (out of charity to the latter, who was unfortunate) recommended a customer, who swindled him.

V. Rolled in the mud by the boys of my own charity-school, whom I had exhorted not to daub the passers-by.

VI. Abused by their parents for not paying them 25 cents per week for the time I had the boys at school.

VII. Hustled by tailors, slop-shopkeepers, and others, for taking part with the needle-women in a strike.

VIII. Scolded, scratched, and tumbled down stairs by the needle-women, for advising them to go into domestic service, and take care of their morals.

IX. Robbed by a fugitive slave whom I had concealed three days and nights in my house from his master.

X. House burnt down by the free blacks (or so it was suspected) for putting the thief as aforesaid into jail, so that his master got him.

XI. Whitewashed and libelled on my own back by the stonecutters, for buying wrought marble out of the prison.

XII. Tarred and feathered by a gang of the fancy, whom I exhorted at the ring to peace and amity.

XIII. Scalded at my own house (which I had converted, at a season of suffering, into a gratis soup-house), and with my own soup, by a beggar, because there was too little meat and too much salt in it.

XIV. Soused in the canal by a boat-driver, for rebuking his cruelty to an old barge-horse.

XV. Kicked by the horse for taking his part.

XVI. Scratched by a cat, for taking her out of a dog's mouth: item, bitten by the dog.

XVII. Bitten by a rat, which I rescued from a cat: item, scratched by the cat.

XVIII. Gored by a cow for helping her calf out of the mire: item, the calf splashed me all over with mud.

XIX. Beaten about the ears with a half-skinned eel, by a fishwoman, whom I reproved for skinning it alive.

Such were some of the unhappy circumstances that rewarded a seven months' life of philanthropy. But there were others to follow still more discouraging and afflicting.

CHAPTER IX.

CONTAINING A DIFFICULTY

It is a common belief among those who are more religious than wise, that a man never catches a cold going to church of a wet Sunday, or being baptized in midwinter. I am myself of opinion, the belief of such good people to the contrary notwithstanding, that many devout persons, by wading to church in the slush, or washing out their sins in snow-water, have gone to heaven much sooner than they expected. In the same way, and on the same principle of distrusting all miraculous interposition of Heaven in cases where human reason is sufficient for our protection, I have my doubts in the truth of another maxim of great acceptation in the world, – namely, "that a man never grows poor by giving." I believe, indeed, that the charity of a discreet and truly conscientious man never injures his fortune, but may, in many instances, actually tend to its increase; since the love of benevolence may stimulate him to new labours of acquisition, that he may have the greater means of doing good. But I am also of opinion, and I think it may be demonstrated by a good accountant, that a man who has a revenue of a thousand a year, and bestows fifteen hundred in charity, will, in due course of time, find himself as poor as his pensioners. When a man hath a goose with golden eggs, whatever he may do with the eggs, he should take great care of the goose.

The reader may infer from these remarks, that my philanthropy was as little profitable to my pocket as it proved to my person; and such indeed was the truth. I am of opinion I should myself, in a very few years, have consumed the whole estate of Zachariah Longstraw, ample as it was, in works of charity. How much faster it went with my nephew and my friend Abel to assist me, may be imagined. My nephew became a very dragon of charity, and dispensed my money upon such objects of pity as he could find (for he soon began to practise the profession upon what Abel called his own hook), with a zeal little short of fury; so that, to supply his demands, I was sometimes obliged even to stint myself. Had Abel Snipe been equally profuse, there is no saying how soon I might have found myself at the end of my estate. But Abel Snipe was a jewel; his charity was great, but his conscientiousness was greater; he had ever a watchful eye to my good; and his solicitude to husband and improve my means kept his benevolence within the bounds of discretion.

But, notwithstanding all his care, Abel perceived that our philanthropy was beginning to eat holes into my possessions; and coming to me one day with a long face, he assured me, that, unless some means were devised to increase my income, we should soon find ourselves driven to resort to the capital.

"Verily, and of a truth," said I, not a whit frighted at this communication, "and why should that chill us in the good work, Abel Snipe? Of a surety, all that I possess, is it not the property of the poor?"

"Verily," said Abel, "verily and yea; but if we betake us to the capital, verily, it will happen that sooner or later it shall be consumed, and nothing left to us wherewithal to befriend the afflicted. I say to thee, Zachariah, thy wealth is, as thou sayest, the property of the poor; and it becomes thee, as a true and faithful servant thereof, to see that it be not wasted, but, on the contrary, husbanded with care and foresight, and put out to profit, so that the single talent may become two, and peradventure three; whereby the poor, as aforesaid, shall be twice, and, it may be, thrice benefited."

"Thou speakest the words of sense and seriousness," said I, struck by the new view of the case. "But how shall this happy object be effected? What shall we do, Abel Snipe, to make the one talent three, and thereby increase our means of doing good?"

"Thee nephew Jonathan," said Abel Snipe, with a look of devout joy, "is now a changed man, a man of seriousness and virtue, a scorner of vain things, and a giver of alms – a man whom we can trust. I say to thee, Zachariah, thee shall establish thee nephew in a gainful business, and he shall make money; thee shall give him what is thee property for his capital, remaining theeself but as a sleeping partner: and thus it shall happen that thee capital shall be turned over three times a year, producing, on each occasion, dividends three times as great as now accrue from thy investments: and thus, Zachariah (and verily it is pleasant to think upon), where thee now has a thousand dollars of revenue, thee shall then have nine; and where thee now relieves nine afflicted persons, thee shall there-upon relieve nine times nine, which is eighty-one."

I need not assure the reader that this proposition of Abel's fastened mightily upon my imagination, and that I was eager to embrace it; and Jonathan coming in at the moment, I repeated the conversation to him, assuring him that, if he thought himself able, with Abel's assistance, to undertake such a business, he should have my money to begin upon instanter, and marry the maiden Ellen into the bargain.

"Nay, verily," said Jonathan, "I will not marry, and I will not do this thing whereof thee speaks. Uncle Zachariah, thee may think me light of mind thus to speak of Ellen Wild, who is much lighter; but, of a surety, I find the spirit moves me to regard her as one not to be regarded any longer. In the matter of the money-making, I say, let Abel Snipe be thy merchant, or whatsoever it may be thee has determined on; for Abel Snipe is a good business man, and he knows how to make money. He shall have my advice and assistance, as far as may be in my power. But, truly, my thoughts now run in the paths of the unfortunate; and thither let my footsteps follow also."

To this proposal the faithful Abel, with tears in his eyes (for he was moved that Jonathan should express such confidence in him at last), demurred, averring that it would be better, and more seemly, for Jonathan himself to undertake the affair, he, Abel Snipe, giving help and counsel, according to his humble ability. Jonathan objected as before, and again declared that Abel, and Abel alone, was, as he expressed it, "the man for my money." In short, the two young men, now the best friends in the world, contested the matter, each arguing so warmly in favour of the other, that it was plain the thing could never be determined without my casting vote, which I, seeing that Jonathan was positive, and bent upon a life of virtue, gave in Abel's favour, and it was resolved accordingly that Abel should be made the money-maker.

CHAPTER X.

IN WHAT MANNER MR. ZACHARIAH LONGSTRAW DETERMINED TO IMPROVE HIS FORTUNE

And now, the question occurring to me, I demanded into what kind of business we should enter.

"That," said Jonathan, "is a question more easily made than answered, seeing that there are so many ways of making money in this wicked world, that an honest man can scarce tell which to choose among them;" and then proceeded with great gravity to indicate divers callings, which he pronounced the most gainful in the world, and all or any of which, he thought, Abel could easily turn his hand to.

The first he advised was quackery – the making and vending of nostrums to cure all manner of diseases, including corns and the toothache; which was a business that had the merit of requiring no previous study or education, a tinker or cobbler being just as fit to follow it as a man that had read Paracelsus; and which, besides, as was evident from the speed with which its professors in general stepped from the kitchen-pot to the carriage, was the quickest way of making a fortune that could be imagined. I should have thought the young man was joking (for he had that vice in him to the last), had it not been for the fervour with which he pointed out the advantages of the vocation. A great recommendation, he averred, was, that it required no capital beyond a few hundred dollars, to be laid out in bottles and logwood, or some other colouring material. Pump-water, he said, was cheap; and as for the other sovereign ingredient, it was furnished by the buyer himself. "Yes!" said Jonathan, "faith is furnished by the buyer, who pays us for the privilege of swallowing it; we sell men their own conceits, bottled up with green, red, and brown water; and thereby we make them their own doctors. Who then can say the calling of the quack is not honest – nay, even philanthropic? He is a public benefactor – a friend even of physicians; for he frees them from the painful necessity of killing, by making men their own executioners."

And thus he went on until I cut him short by averring, that the whole business was little better than wholesale cheating and murder. He then recommended we should make Abel a tailor, solemnly declaring that, next to quackery, tailoring, which was a quackery of another sort, was the most profitable trade that could be followed; the mere gain from cabbaging, considering that an ingenious tailor got at least one inch of cloth out of every armhole, without counting the nails cribbed from other parts of a coat, being immense, and his profits, seeing that he lost nothing by a bad customer that he did not charge to a good one, as certain and immutable as the laws of the Medes and Persians.

In short, my nephew Jonathan was in the mood for expatiating on the merits of all money-making vocations; in which I should follow him, were I not urged by the exigencies arising from limited time and space to adhere to my story. He made divers recommendations, none of which I thought of weight; and upon Abel, who had heard him with gravity and attention, I was at last forced to call for advice and assistance. It was his opinion, and he advised accordingly, that all the money I could raise should be thrown into the stock-market, where, being applied to purchase and sale in the usual way, he had no doubt it could be made to yield a revenue of at least twenty per cent., and perhaps twice as much; and this proposal, strange as it may seem to the reader, after the experience Abram Skinner had given me in such matters, I did, after sundry doubts and hesitations, finally agree to.

"Verily," said I, "this is a gainful business, friend Abel; but, of a surety, neither honest nor humane, seeing that it is practised at the expense of the ignorant, and often the needy."

"Verily, no," said Abel Snipe, with fervour; "it shall be at the expense of the rich and niggardly – the man that is a miser and uncharitable – the broker and the gambler – the bull and the bear. Our dealings shall not be with the poor and ignorant man that dabbleth in stocks; but him will we charitably pluck from the grasp of the covetous, and thus protect, while drawing from the covetous man those alms of benevolence which he would never himself apply to the use of the afflicted."

"Verily," said I, pleased with the idea, "if we can make the covetous man charitable, it will be a good thing; and if we can protect the foolish ignorant person from his grasp, it will be still better. But, of a surety, Abel Snipe, this business will be as gambling?"

"Yea, and verily," said Abel Snipe, "it is as gambling when a gambler follows it; but in the hands of an honest man it is an honest profession. Is not money, bagged up in stocks and other investments, as merchandise? and, as merchandise, shall it not be lawfully bought and sold?"

"And moreover," said Jonathan, with equal earnestness, "if it be no better than cheating and swindling, this same buying and selling, are we not embarking in it out of charity? Verily, uncle Zachariah, in such a case as this, the end sanctifies the means. Behold what is the crying evil arising from money that is chartered in stocks, whether it be in banks, rail-roads, loans, or otherwise. This is money that is not taxed for charitable purposes; it is money appropriated solely to the purposes of gain. Why is it that a private man should be taxed to support the poor, and a bank, that has greater facilities for making money, be not taxed for the purpose at all? Verily, uncle Zachariah, we will do what the commonwealth should be doing; we will impose a tax upon the gains of chartered money, and distribute the proceeds among the needy."

To make short work of the matter, I will not pursue our debate further, but merely state that I was soon brought to consider Abel Snipe's scheme the best, honestest, and most philanthropic in the world, and to agree that he should open an office as a stock-broker, turning a penny or two in that way, while making much more by buying and selling on his own account. To this I was brought, in a great measure, by the representations and arguments of Jonathan, among which I esteem as still worthy of consideration that which stands above expressed in his own words. I am still of opinion that a tax, and a round one, should be imposed upon the profits of all banks and other money-making corporations, the same to be specifically appropriated to hospitals, and other charitable foundations, and perhaps also to public schools. In this way evil might be made productive of good, and our avarice rendered the parent of benevolence and knowledge. Of a verity, my philanthropy is not yet got out of me!

The aforementioned arrangement was made at an early period of my new existence, that is to say, at the close of spring; and the faithful Abel soon began to render a good account of his stewardship, by handing me over divers handsome sums of money, the profits of his speculations, which Jonathan and myself disbursed with rival enthusiasm. The experiment was continued in a prosperous manner until the month of September, when there happened a catastrophe not less unexpected than calamitous.

CHAPTER XI.

IN WHICH A CATASTROPHE BEGINS

The various mischances and afflictions, as narrated in the preceding chapter, which rewarded my virtue, had begun to affect my mind with sundry pangs of melancholy and misgiving. I perceived that the world was ungrateful, and I had my doubts whether it was a whit the better for my goodness. These doubts and this persuasion were confirmed by the experience of each succeeding day; and by the month of September as aforesaid, I found myself becoming just as miserable a man as I had ever been before, and perhaps more so, being pierced not merely with the ingratitude of those I had befriended, but convinced that the unworthiness of man was a thing man was determined to persevere in.

It was at the moment of my greatest distress, that the catastrophe alluded to before happened; and this was nothing less than the sudden bankruptcy of Abel Snipe, whereby I was reduced in a moment from affluence to destitution; and what made the calamity still more painful, was a conviction forced upon me by my own reflections, as well as the representations of others, that the failure could not have happened without a fraudulent design on the part of the fiduciary. It is true, this worthy gentleman was the first to inform me of his mishap, which he did with tears in his eyes, and with divers outbreaks of self-accusation and despair; he declared that his imprudence had ruined me, his benefactor, and implored me, his benefactor, to knock him on the head with a poker I had begun to embrace in my agitation; but how he had effected such a catastrophe I could not bring him clearly to explain. The only answers I could get from him were, "Speculation, speculation – bad speculation! – ruined my benefactor! might as well have murdered thee!" and so on; and having given vent to some dozen or more of such frantic interjections, he ran out of the house.