Sheppard Lee, Written by Himself. Vol. II (of 2)

But wo betide the day! the doctor returned to me in less than an hour, bringing with him every physician in the village, who, having looked at me a moment, went into another apartment, where they argued hotly together for another hour. At the expiration of this they returned, led by Tibbikens, who, to my great satisfaction, now fell on his knees, and "begged my imperial majesty's pardon for presuming to request that I would allow myself to be dressed in my imperial majesty's robe of state;" which robe of state, although I was surprised at its plainness (for it was of a coarse linen texture, without gold lace or jewels, and of a very strange shape – closed in front and open in the rear), I immediately consented to put on, so pleased was I with the homage of the doctor.

If I was surprised at the appearance of the imperial garment, much more was I astonished when, having slipped my arms into its sleeves, I found them, – that is, my arms, – suddenly pinioned, buried, sewed up, as it were, among the folds of the robe, so that, when it was tied behind me, as it immediately was, I was as well secured as when I was tied up for execution on a former occasion. Alas! the disappointment to my pride! I understood the whole matter in a moment: my imperial robe of state was nothing less nor more than a strait waistcoat, constructed upon the spur of the moment, but still on scientific principles.

And now, being entirely at the mercy of the deceitful Tibbikens, I was seized upon with a strong hand, my head shaved and thrust into a sack of pounded ice, from which it was not taken until after a six days' congelation, and then only to be transferred to a nightcap of Spanish flies, exceedingly comfortable on the first application, but which, within a few hours, I had every reason to pronounce the most execrable covering in existence. And what made it still more intolerable, I never complained of it that Tibbikens did not assure me "it was the imperial coronet of France," and then exclaim, in the words of some old play, "Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown."

And then I was physicked and starved, phlebotomized, soused in cold water and scalded in hot, rubbed down with rough blanket cloths and hair-brushes as stiff as wool-cards, scorched with mustard plasters, bombarded by an electrical machine, and in general attacked by every weapon of art which the zeal of my tormentors could bring into play against me.

In this way, if I was not cured of my disease, I was, at least, brought into subjection. I ceased complaining, which I did at first, and with becoming indignation, of the traitorous and sacrilegious violence done to my anointed body, for such I at first considered it. The arguments of my persecutors, however, to prove the contrary, were irresistible, being chiefly syllogisms, of which the major proposition was calomel and jalap, the minor mustard plasters and blisters, and the conclusion cold water, phlebotomy, and flax-seed tea. The same arguments, varied categorically according to circumstances, convinced me that if my imperial elevation, or the notion thereof, was not sheer insanity on my own part, my doctors thought so – which was the same thing in effect; and I therefore took good care, when bewailing my hard fate, not to charge it, as I at first did, to the democratic wrath and jealousy of my tormentors.

CHAPTER VII.

IN WHICH SHEPPARD LEE IS CONVINCED THAT ALL IS NOT GOLD WHICH GLISTENS

This conversion of mine to their own opinion – or, if the reader will so have it, my return to rationality – had a favourable effect on my doctors. They removed (very circumspectly indeed) the strait jacket from my arms; and then, seeing I made no attempt to tear them to pieces, but was, on the contrary, very quiet and submissive, and that, instead of claiming to be Charlemagne the Second of France, I was content to be Mr. Arthur Megrim, of Virginia, they were so well satisfied of the cure they had effected, that they agreed to free me of their company, and so left me in the sole charge of Tibbikens and my affectionate sister.

In this manner I was cured of hypochondriasis; for although I felt, ever and anon, a strong propensity to confess myself a joint-stool, a Greek demigod, or some such other fanciful creature, I retained so lively a recollection of the penalties I had already paid for indulging in such vagaries, that I put a curb on my imagination, and resolved for the future to be nothing but plain Mr. Megrim, a gentleman with a disordered digestive apparatus.

I was cured of my hypochondriasis – I may say, also, of my dyspepsy – being kept by Tibbikens and my sister in such a starved condition, that it was impossible I should ever more complain of indigestion. But I was not yet cured of my melancholy; nothing but canvass-backs and terapins could cure that – and these, alas! were never more to bless my lips. Tibbikens had pronounced their fate, and with them, mine: thenceforth and for ever my diet was to be looked for in those – next to my digestive apparatus – chief favourites of my sister, bran bread and hickory ashes; my stomach, he solemnly assured me, would never be able to sustain any thing else.

I say, therefore, I was melancholy; and great reason had I to be so, condemned to live a life of ascetic denial, with the means in my hand to purchase all the luxuries in the world, and, which was worse, an eternal desire to enjoy them.

To banish this melancholy – alas! never to be banished – and perhaps to give me a little appetite for my bran bread and ashes, for which I never could contract a relish, the friendly Tibbikens again seduced me into the open air and my carriage, and carried me about to different places in which he thought I might find amusement. In this way he had conducted my prototype, the true Arthur Megrim, before me, whenever indolence and the luxuries of the table brought him too near to dyspepsy; and it was this uncommon kindness of the physician, in dragging the unfortunate gentleman to witness the galvanic experiments on the bodies of the executed felons, which had helped him so suddenly out of his own. Dr. Tibbikens was not, indeed, very choice whither he carried me, lugging me along with equal alacrity to a horse-race, a barbacue, or to the bedsides of his patients.

All his efforts, however, were vain. The memory of what I had suffered, with the anticipation of what I was yet to endure, with, doubtless, the addition of the ills for the time being, preyed upon my spirit. I followed him mechanically, and in a sort of torpor, incapable of enjoying myself, incapable almost of noting what passed before me. I was tired of the life of the young and affluent Mr. Megrim, and I should have been glad to exchange his body for some one's else: but, unluckily, my mind was so weighed down with indolence, melancholy, and stupefaction, that I really did not think of so natural a means of ending my troubles.

In this condition, greatly to the concern of my friendly physician, I remained until towards the end of March, when an incident happened which gave an impulse to my spirit greater than it had ever before experienced.

CHAPTER VIII.

IN WHICH THE AUTHOR STUMBLES UPON AN OLD ACQUAINTANCE

The doctor being accustomed to lead or drive me whithersoever he would, and I, half the time, following without question, I found myself led one day to a house in the town, where was a remarkable exhibition, or show, as our people called it, which had for two days kept the whole village in an uproar. So great, however, was the abstraction and indifference of my mind to all objects, ordinary and extraordinary alike, that I had paid not the least attention to the accounts of the matter which my sister and other persons, and especially the faithful Epaminondas, had, during these two days, poured into my ears. Hence, when I entered the exhibition-room I was ignorant of its nature, and, indeed, indifferent as to making myself better acquainted with it.

Tibbikens, however, appeared to be unusually delighted, and saying, "Now, Megrim, my lad, you shall see a wonderful proof of the strides that science is making," led me through a crowd of the villagers, old and young, and male and female, who were present, up to a large table, where, truly enough, in glass cases placed upon the same, was a spectacle quite remarkable; though I must confess it did not make so strong an impression upon me as Tibbikens expected.

It consisted of an infinite variety of fragments from the bodies of animals and human beings, imitations, as I supposed at first, in wax, or some other suitable substance, and done to the life; but Tibbikens assured me they were real specimens, taken from animal bodies, and converted by scientific processes, known only to the exhibiter, into the substances we now saw; some being stony and harder than flint, some again only a little indurated, while others retained their natural softness, elasticity, and other peculiarities of texture. There were a dozen or more human feet, as many hands, three heads (one of which was a woman's with long hair, and another a child's), a calf's head, a dog's leg, the ear of a pig, the nose of a horse, an ox's liver and heart, a rat, a snake, and a catfish, and dozens of other things that I cannot now remember, all of which were surprisingly natural to behold, especially the head of the woman with the long hair, which looked as if it had just been cut off – or rather not cut off at all, for there was no appearance of death about it whatever, the lips and cheeks being quite ruddy, and the eyes open and bright, though fixed.

"So much for science!" said Tibbikens. "Look at that boy's head! it don't look so well as the others; but who would believe it was solid stone? Sir, it is stone, and silicious stone too; for last night I did myself knock fire out of its nose with the back of my knife; and that's the cause of the nick there on the nostril. Well now, there's the man's head; its texture is ligneous, or, to speak more strictly, imperfectly carbonaceous, though the doctor calls it calcareous. But the wonder of all is the woman's head; look at that! That, sir, is neither silicious nor carbonaceous, but fleshy – I say, sir, fleshy. It remains in its natural condition; the skin is soft and resilient; you see the naturalness of the colour, of the lips, and, above all, of the eyes. And yet, sir, that head, that flesh is indestructible, unless, indeed, by fire, and strong acids or alkalis. It is embalmed, sir! embalmed according to the new process of this doctor with the unpronounceable Dutch name; and I can tell you, sir, that the man is a chymist such as was never heard of before. Davy, Lavoisier, Berzelius – sir, I presume to say they are fools to him, and will be as soon forgotten as their stupid, uncivilized system. How little they knew of the true science of chymistry! They stopped short at the elements – our doctor here converts one element into another!"

Tibbikens spoke with an air of consequence and some little oratorical emphasis, for he was surrounded by spectators, who listened to what he said with reverence. As for me, the little interest excited in my bosom by the novelty of the exhibition had begun to wear away, and I was sinking again into apathy – the faster, perhaps, for the doctor's conversation, of which I had a sufficiency every day – and I suppose I should, in a few moments, have lost all consciousness of what was going on around me, when suddenly a buzz began, and a murmuring of voices, saying, "Here comes the doctor! now we shall have the grand show!" At the same moment a grinding organ began its lugubrious grunting and squeaking, and the master of the exhibition, stalking up to the table, and making his patrons a sweeping semicircular bow, cried, in a rumbling bass voice, and in accents strongly foreigh, —

"Zhentlemens and leddees – I peg you will excuse me for keep you waiting. Vat you see here, zhentlemens and leddees, is very strange – pieces of de poddies human and animal, shanged py a process of philosophie very astonish, misty, and unknown to de multitude; some hard shtone, some shtone not so hard, and some not shtone at all. But I shall show you de representation vich is de triumph of art, de vonder of science, de excellence of philosophie! For, zhentlemens and leddees, I am no mountepank and showmans, put a man of de science, a friend of de species human, and a zhentleman of de medical profession; and vat I make dese tings for is not for show, nor for pastime, nor for de money, but for de utilitie of de vorld."

"Surely," thought I to myself, "I have heard that voice before!"

I looked into the man's face as soon as the spectators had cleared away a little – for I was too indifferent to put myself to any trouble – and I said to myself – nay, I said aloud to Tibbikens, "Surely I have seen that man before!"

"Where?" said Tibbikens.

"In Jersey," I replied, hastily; for I could not forget the tall frame, the hollow jaws, the solemn eyes, and the ever-grinning mouth of Feuerteufel, the German doctor, who had made himself so famous in my native village, and who was one of the last persons I remembered to have seen upon that day when I bade farewell to my original body.

"Come," said Tibbikens, looking alarmed at my last words, "you don't pretend to say you were ever out of Virginia in your whole life!"

"Augh – oh!" said I, recollecting myself; "I wonder what I was talking about? What – augh – what is the man's name?"

"Feuerteufel," said Tibbikens.

CHAPTER IX.

CONTAINING AN ACCOUNT OF THE WONDERFUL DISCOVERIES OF THE GERMAN DOCTOR

I was not then mistaken! It was Feuerteufel himself, only he had learned a little more English. This was the first and only one of my original acquaintances whom I had laid eyes on since my departure from New-Jersey, nearly two years before. I felt some interest, therefore, in the man, but it was accompanied with a feeling of dislike, and even apprehension. The truth is, I never liked the German doctor, though why I never could tell. But what was he doing – what could be his object going about the country with petrified legs, arms, and heads? I had scarce asked myself the question before it was answered by the gentleman himself, who had been speaking, though I know not what, all the time I was talking with Tibbikens, and while I was cogitating afterward.

He had worked himself into a fit of eloquence, warming with enthusiasm as he dwelt upon the grandeur and usefulness of his discovery. He made antic gestures with hands, head, and shoulders; he rolled and snapped his eyes in the most extraordinary manner in the world; and as for his mouth, there is no describing the grimaces and contortions which it made over every particularly bright idea or felicitous word.

"Zhentlemens!" said he, "I have discover de great art to preserve de human poddie; I can make him shtone, I can make him plaster-Paree, I can make him shuse as he is, dat is flesh– put flesh vat is never corrupt. Very well! vat shall I do mit de great discoaver? Mit de first I shall preserve de poddies of de great men – de kings, and de shenerals, and de poets, and de oder great men; and you shall see how mosh petter it is tan de statues marple. How mosh petter to have de great man as de great man look in de flesh, mit his eyes shining, his skin and his colour all de pure natural! How mosh petter dat dan de imitation! Suppose you have de painter who take de looking-glass; and when you look in him, glue down de reflection dare for ever! – de natural colour, de natural drawing, de light and de shade? How mosh petter dat dan de picture in dirty oil and ochre! (I tell you, py-the-py, zhentlemens, I do study dat art, and I hopes some day to make de grand discoaver – to put you reflection on de proper substance, like de looking-glass, dat shall hold on to de colours, and hold'em on for ever!) Vell, zhentlemens, I do de same ting mit de statue; I take de nature as I find him – de shape, de colour, de lips, de eyes, de hair, de all – and I do, py my process, make him indestructeeble, and not to alter for ever. Here is de little poy's head dat I have done in dat style. Dat is de art! dat is de art of making de shtone mummee! It shall pe de most costly, de most expense, and derefore only for de great, great men – de shenerals of war, de preshidents, and de mens in Congress vat makes de pig speech. Vell! den I shall make de oder style – de process to turn de poddie into plaster-Paree – vat I call de plaster mummee. Dat is not so dear; dat is de art for de great men vat is not so great as de oders – for de leetle great men – de goavernors, de editors of de paper, and de mens vat you give de grand dinners to. Vell! den I shall make de oder style – de style for de zhentlemens and leddees in zheneral, vat vill not go to rot in de ground like de horse and de dog – de style of de flesh unshange – vat I call de flesh and plood mummee, shuse like dis woman head mit de long hair. Dis is de sheep plan; it vill cost no more dan de price of de funeral. It vill be done in tree days. De poddie is made incorruptible, proof against de water, vat you call water-proof. It is de process for de peoples in zheneral; and I do hopes to see de day ven it shall pe in universal adopt by all, and no more poddies put into de earth to rot, and to make de pad health for de peoples dat live. It is de shtyle for de unwholesome countrees. Zhentlemens, you have know dat de Egyptians did make all dare friends mummee. Why for dey do dat? Very good reason. De land upon de Nile vas unwholesome, and de purrying of de poddies made it vorse. There vas no wood dere to purn de poddies. Vell den, dey did soak dem in de petrolium, de naptha, and oder substance antiseptique, and hide dem in de catacomb and de pyramid. Dere vas no decay, no corruption to poison de air; it vas vise plan!

"Now, zhentlemens, I have devise my plan for de benefit of America, vich is de most unwholesome land in de earth, full of de exhalation and de miasm, de effluvium from de decay animal and vegetable. You shall adopt my plan for embalm your friends, and you no have no more pad air for de fevers, de bilious, de agues, and de plack vomit. Zhentlemens, I have shuse complete my great secret; it vas de study of my whole life; I have shuse succeed. I have de full and complete specimens of de process for make de sheep mummee, de mummee of flesh and plood, de plan for de men in zheneral, vich do always love to pe sheep. I have start carry dem to de great city New-Orleans; and if de peoples do adopt him dere, dey shall have no more complain of de great sickness vat kills de peoples; for dere shall be no more rot of man's flesh in de swampy ground. Here you see de ox-heart, de catfish, de bullfrog, de six hands and feet, all done into flesh and plood mummee. Here is de woman's head. It has been done dis tree year. But you shall see de grand specimen, de complete figure, de grown man turn into de mummee, and look more natural dan de life. Dat is de triumph of mine art! It was my first grand specimen, done dere is now two year almost, and it did cost me mosh expense and money, and some leetle danger. Now you shall say de specimen is perfect, or you shall have my head; it is vat I value apove my life – de complete! de grand! de peautiful! – But you shall see!"

CHAPTER X.

CONTAINING A MORE WONDERFUL DISCOVERY ON THE PART OF SHEPPARD LEE, WITH PERHAPS THE MOST SURPRISING ADVENTURE THAT EVER BEFELL HIM

Having thus completed his lecture, or oration, of which I must confess I had begun to grow tired, the German doctor suddenly stepped to a great round box, like a watchman's box, that stood at the further end of the room, and unlocking the folding leaves of which it was composed, swung them round with a jerk, exhibiting an inner case, evidently of glass, but entirely covered over with a thick curtain. This he proceeded to remove, by tugging at a string which hoisted it to the ceiling; and as it ascended there was disclosed to the eyes of the wondering spectators a human figure within the case, clad loosely in a sort of Roman garment, and for all the world looking entirely like a living being, except that the eyes were fixed in a set unnatural stare, and the attitude was a little stiff and awkward.

A murmur, with twenty or more faint shrieks from the females present, attested the admiration with which the spectators caught sight of this wonderful triumph of skill and science; but I – heavens and earth! what were my feelings, what was my astonishment, when I beheld in that lifeless mummy my own lost body! the mortal tenement in which I had first drawn the breath, and experienced the woes, of life! the body of Sheppard Lee the Jerseyman! This, then, was its fate – not to be anatomized and degraded into a skeleton, as the vile Samuel the kidnapper had told me, but converted into a mummy by a new process, for the especial benefit of science and the world; and Dr. Feuerteufel, the man for whom I had always cherished an instinctive dislike and horror, was the worthy personage who had stolen it, what time I had myself interrupted his designs upon the body of the farmer's boy, in the old graveyard near the Owl-roost! I looked upon my face – that is, the face of the mummy – and a thousand recollections of my original home and condition burst upon my mind; the tears started into my eyes with them. What had I gained by forsaking the lot to which Providence had assigned me? In a moment, the woes of Higginson, of Dawkins, Skinner, Longstraw, Tom the slave, and Megrim the dyspeptic, rushed over my memory, contrasted with those lesser ones of Sheppard Lee, which I had so falsely considered as rendering me the most miserable man in the world.

What other notions may have crowded my brain, what feeling may have entered my bosom, I am now unable to describe. The sight of my body thus restored to me, and in the midst of my sorrow and affliction, inviting me, as it were, back to my proper home, threw me into an indescribable ferment. I stretched out my arms, I uttered a cry, and then rushing forward, to the astonishment of all present, I struck my foot against the glass case with a fury that shivered it to atoms – or, at least, the portion of it serving as a door, which, being dislodged by the violence of the blow, fell upon the floor and was dashed to pieces. The next instant, disregarding the cries of surprise and fear which the act occasioned, I seized upon the cold and rigid hand of the mummy, murmuring, "Let me live again in my own body, and never – no! never more in another's!"

Happiness of happiness! although, while I uttered the words, a boding fear was on my mind, lest the long period the body had lain inanimate, and more especially the mummifying process to which it had been subjected, might have rendered it unfit for further habitation, I had scarce breathed the wish before I found myself in that very body, descending from the box which had so long been its prison, and stepping over the mortal frame of Mr. Arthur Megrim, now lying dead on the floor.

Indescribable was the terror produced among the spectators by this double catastrophe – the death of their townsman, and the revival of the mummy. The women fell down in fits, and the men took to their heels; and a little boy, who was frightened into a paroxysm of devotion, dropped on his knees, and began fervently to exclaim,

"Now I lay me down to sleep,I pray the Lord my soul to keep."

In short, the agitation was truly inexpressible, and fear distracted all. But on no countenance was this passion (mingled with a due degree of amazement) more strikingly depicted than on that of the German doctor, who, thus compelled to witness the object of a thousand cares, the greatest and most perfect result of his wonderful discovery, slipping off its pedestal and out of his hands, as by a stroke of enchantment, stared upon me with eyes, nose, and mouth, speechless, rooted to the floor, and apparently converted into a mummy himself. As I stepped past him, however, hurrying to the door, with a vague idea that the sooner I reached it the better, his lips were unlocked, and his feelings found vent in a horrible exclamation – "Der tyfel!" which I believe means the devil – "Der tyfel! I have empalm him too well!"

Then making a dart at me, he cried, in tones of distraction, "Stop my mummy! mine gott! which has cost me so much expense! – stop my mummy!"

I saw that he designed seizing me, and being myself as much overcome with fear as the others, I made a bolt for the door, knocking down my friend Tibbikens and half a dozen other retreating spectators as I left it, darted into the air, and in a moment was flying out of the village on the wings of the wind.