The Duchess of Dublin

Enter Sharpset, L.

Sharpset. Heow d'ye dew. You're Dr. Aconite, I reckon?

Dr. A. I am.

Sharpset. Jes' so. Wall, I'm Silas Sharpset, E. s. q., 'he founder and proprietor of the "Excelsior Perambulating Museum of Wonderful, Whimsical, Extraordinary, and Eccentric Living Curiosities."

Dr. A. Indeed!

Sharpset. Jes' so. You'll find in my wonderful collection studies of human nater in every variety. The remarkable and only original living fat girl, seven years of age, who has attained the enormous weight of seven hundred and seventy-seven pounds by a daily diet of molasses candy and gum drops.

Dr. A. Remarkable, indeed!

Sharpset. Jes' so. Also, the only real living skeleton, aged thirty-nine, weight seventeen pounds and three ounces, who lives on oatmeal gruel, eaten by the spoonful, once in forty-eight hours, who kin crawl through a stove-pipe of six inches diameter, and dance the Cachuca in a quart measure.

Dr. A. Ah, that's too thin.

Sharpset. Jes' so. Then there's the man born without either arms or legs, who can lift a hogshead with his teeth, and write a remarkably legible hand with his back hair, which he wears in a cue for that purpose.

Dr. A. Cue-rious, indeed.

Sharpset. Jes' so. Then there's the bald-headed accountant, with his head so full of figures that he can run up the longest account in no time, and, by the force of his stupendous intellect, make the sum total appear in round figures, visible to the naked eye, on the top of his head.

Dr. A. A calculating baldhead.

Sharpset. Jes' so. But the assortment is too numerous to mention. I kin only say, that for variety, versatility, and invention, this collection is unsurpassed, and kin be seen in all its beauty for twenty-five cents a head.

Dr. A. Well, sir, what is your business with me? My time is precious.

Sharpset. Jes' so. Wall, then, to come to the p'int. You've got a nat'ral living curiosity, and I want it.

Dr. A. I've got a curiosity? So I have – a curiosity to know what you mean.

Sharpset. Jes' so. Mighty secret, but it's no use, doctor; it's all over town. You'll have to give in, so you might as well make the best terms you kin with me, for I've greater facilities for exhibiting the critter than any other live man. Jes' so – Silas Sharpset, E. s. q., can't be beat.

Dr. A. Exhibiting the critter, Mr. Sharpset? There's a wildness in your eye that betokens insanity. You are laboring under a wild hallucination. Go hence. Soak your feet, wrap a wet towel round your head, and return to your couch at once.

Sharpset. Jes' so. Keep it up, doctor. But it won't fool me. The critter's here. Turn her over to me, bag and baggage, and I'll pay you a thousand dollars down.

Dr. A. A thousand dollars – you'll pay me? Be calm, my friend, be calm. You betray unmistakable symptoms of a disordered mind. Will you oblige me with a little explanation?

Sharpset. Jes' so.

Dr. A. Who is the "critter" that you are in pursuit of?

Sharpset. The duchess, of course. Why, consarn it, it's all over town.

Dr. A. The duchess? Ah, yes, poor man, lunacy always takes high flights. Ah, who is the duchess?

Sharpset. Jes' so. Doctor, do you see anything of a verdant hue in this optic? (Finger on left eye.) It's no use. "The Duchess of Dublin" is in this house; is under your charge. Now do the handsome thing. I'll put her up as an extra attraction, charge double price, and divide profits. There's an offer.

Dr. A. By doubling your price on "The Duchess of Dublin"? Now, you must excuse the question, but who is "The Duchess of Dublin"? and what have I to do with "The Duchess of Dublin"?

Sharpset. Consarn it, mister, are you a fool?

Dr. A. Now gently, friend. Be calm, be calm. (Aside.) O, he's very crazy!

Sharpset. Humbug! Will you, or will you not, accept my offer? Half profits for the duchess. Sharp's the word! Quick, or you lose it!

Dr. A. My dear friend, it wouldn't hurt you to lose a little blood. My lancet's handy.

Sharpset. Jehoshaphat! do you take me to be an idiot?

Dr. A. You'd better go home. Your wife and children are expecting you. No doubt the little folks are chanting, with their childish voices, "Dear father, dear father, come home."

Sharpset. Jes' so. You can't pull wool over my eyes, doctor. Silas Sharpset is sharpset by name and sharpset by nater. You can't fool me. You've got a prize, and want to keep it for yourself; but if I don't set the populace howling round your door, and make you show up the duchess, then you can shave my head, and lock me up for life. No monopolies here in living curiosities while Sharpset's around – not if he knows it: jes' so.

[Exit, L.

Dr. A. He's gone – home, I hope. He's very mad. Why don't his friends take care of him. It's dangerous to let a man run round with such horrid ideas as are rambling through his brain. The fat girl, the living skeleton, the bald-headed accountant, and "The Duchess of Dublin." 'Pon my word, the idea of my having under my charge a duchess! O, it's absurd. The man's crazy; he must be looked after; I'll follow him (takes hat), and see that he does no damage. (Goes to door, L.)

Enters, suddenly, Miss Abigail Alllove, with a large book under her arm. Seizes Dr. Aconite by arm, and drags him down, C.

Abigail (mysteriously). You are – are you? – or am I mistaken?

Dr. A. Eh? You may be right, you may be wrong, or you may be mistaken.

Abigail. You do not answer me; and I, poor lone orphan that I am, tremble in your presence.

Dr. A. Eh? Are you often alone? Miss, or madam, let's drop this nonsense. Have, you any business with me? I am Dr. Aconite.

Abigail. You are the friend of the unfortunate; the guide of suffering humanity to havens of rest; the healer of broken hearts; the finger-post that points the way to the mansion of health. O, human angel, list to my woes.

Dr. A. Madam, or miss, I shall be happy to aid you with my professional skill.

Abigail. Professional skill? Away with it. I want it not. I want sympathy, friendship, love.

Dr. A. Ah, indeed. Then I'm sorry I cannot help you. They are not in my line.

Abigail. List to a tale of grief. At the age of four I lost my mother, at the age of ten my father, at the age of fifteen my sister, at twenty my only brother, at twenty-five my uncle, at thirty —

Dr. A. O, stop, stop, stop! Spare me. I didn't kill them. I haven't been in practice a year. You must see I had no time for such slaughter.

Abigail. I am alone in the world. No relatives, no friends, "no one to love," – only this. (Shows book.)

Dr. A. And pray what is that?

Abigail. A treasure millions could not buy. A pearl of matchless value – my life, my friend, my love – my autograph album.

Dr. A. O, indeed, is that all? And you want my autograph? With the greatest pleasure. (Attempts to take book.)

Abigail. Away! Do not profane it with your touch. None but the noble stain its spotless pages.

Dr. A. Ah, indeed! Pardon my presumption.

Abigail. No, only the divine wielders of the pen, the classic movers of the artistic brush, the noble toilers with the gracing chisel, the seraphic sons and daughters of song, kings, emperors, queens, the high-born and the great can dot their i's in Abigail Alllove's autograph album.

Dr. A. Decidedly select.

Abigail (opening book). Behold the autograph of the Emperor of China.

Dr. A. (reading). "Will you come and take tea in the arbor. Te he!" Ah, did you te-ease him for that?

Abigail. The name of the Emperor of the French.

Dr. A. (reading). "Put out the light, and then put – Napoleon." Which he did. Very good.

Abigail. The Queen of Sheba.

Dr. A. (reading). "Anything on this board for ten cents. Saloma." Attentive to business, very.

Abigail. Dr. Livingstone.

Dr. A. (reading).

"On, Stanley, on,Were the last words from Livingstone."

Original, very.

Abigail. Joshua Billings.

Dr. A. (reading). "Duz time fli in fli time? Josh Billings." That's a very bad spell.

Abigail. Alfred Tennyson.

Dr. A. (reading).

"When I can shoot my rifle clearTo pigeons in the skies,I'll bid farewell to pork and beans,And live on pigeon pies."

A. Tennyson."

Abigail. Exquisite poet!

Dr. A. I admire his taste.

Abigail. Now, dear doctor, I would add one other name to my valuable collection. You can aid me. Will you? O, say you will – will you? and take the burden from the heart of a lone orphan.

Dr. A. Madam, or miss, I should be very happy to assist you —

Abigail. O, rapturous answer! O, noble disciple of Æsculapius! The lips of the lone orphan will bless you; the tears of the lone orphan shall bless you; the smiles of the lone orphan —

Dr. A. Be calm, be calm. In what way can I assist you?

Abigail. You have beneath your roof a noble lady —

Dr. A. Eh?

Abigail. From a foreign clime. You hold her here in secret. Let me but get her name in my autograph album, and Abigail Alllove will die happy.

Dr. A. Noble lady? (Aside.) Another lunatic.

Abigail. Yes, the name of "The Duchess of Dublin."

Dr. A. The – dickens! Stark, staring mad. My dear young lady, you are laboring under a hallucination. Go home at once. Call your friends.

Abigail. Alas! I have no friends. Did I not tell you I am a lone —

Dr. A. Yes, yes; but call in the neighbors, the kind neighbors —

Abigail. But the duchess! I must see the duchess. The hopes, the fears, the life of a lone orphan —

Dr. A. Lone orphan, go home; let me alone. I have no duchess, know no duchess. You are deceived. No, no, dear, go home.

"Be it ever so humble, there's no place like home."

Abigail. O, you wretch! You mean, contemptible quack. You have read my album, my precious volume, and now refuse my request.

Dr. A. But, my dear young lady —

Abigail. Don't come near me! You've broken the heart of a lone orphan. You're a base, ungrateful, ugly, miserable pill-box! and I hope you'll never live to own an autograph album – there!

[Exit, L.

Dr. A. Good by, lone orphan. Now there's a case that requires immediate attention. Poor thing! I ought not to have let her go until her friends appeared. (Enter Dennis, L. Stands in door, beckoning to Dr. Aconite.) Hallo! who's that?

Dennis (mysteriously). Sh! sh! (Creeps down, C., beckoning to Dr. Aconite.)

Dr. A. Well, what is it?

Dennis. It's all right, docther, it's all right.

Dr. A. Well. I'm glad to know that, at any rate.

Dennis. Yis, I'll not brathe a word. It's from the owld counthry I am.

Dr. A. That's very evident.

Dennis. An' it's mysilf that would give the worrld to sit my two eyes on her. Now, docther, it's a lone widdyer I am, an' would ye's go for to do me a kindness?

Dr. A. To be sure I would.

Dennis. Hiven bliss ye! Thin fich her out. Let me faist my eyes on her beautiful face, her illigant, dignified figure. Let me kiss the him of her magnificent dress, and hear her swate voice spake the brogue of the gim of the say.

Dr. A. What are you talking about? Who do you want to see?

Dennis. You know will what I mane – her grace, the noble, moighty, illigant "Duchess of Dublin."

Dr. A. What? "The Duchess of Dublin?" Out of my house at once, or I shall do you an injury.

Dennis. Faix, you don't mane it. Rob an Irishman of his right to pay his rispicts to a high-born lady uv his own counthry?

Dr. A. Do you see that door?

Dennis. Faix, I'm not blind.

Dr. A. Then get the other side of it at once. (Takes cane.) I've had enough of "The Duchess of Dublin."

Dennis. Is that so? Thin I'm the b'y to take her off ye's hands.

Dr. A. Will you leave this house?

Dennis. To be sure I will, afther I've seen her grace.

Dr. A. (rushes at him with cane). O, you will have it – will you?

Dennis (backing to door). Aisy, docther; I want none uv ye's medicine. But I'll say the duchess, so I will, wid ye's lave or widout it.

[Exit, L.

Dr. A. Has the whole village gone crazy? or is this some infernal plot to drive me into hopeless lunacy?

Plumpface coughs outside, then enters, L.

Plumpface. Doctor (cough), I thought you were coming to (cough) see me?

Dr. A. I'll be there in half an hour, Mr. Plumpface. Business of a very serious nature has detained me here.

Plumpface. Yes (cough), I know. She kept you.

Dr. A. She – Who do you mean?

Plumpface. O (cough), it's all right, doctor. I'm in the secret. (Cough.) I've seen her; spite of her disguise, I knew her at once. (Cough.)

Dr. A. Knew her at once? Who, pray?

Plumpface. O, you sly dog! (Cough.) The duchess.

Dr. A. Heavens and earth! She here again?

Plumpface. She hasn't been away – has she? (Cough.)

Dr. A. Look here, Plumpface. Go home, quick! Go to your room, get into bed, and don't stir until I get there.

Plumpface. What's the matter now?

Dr. A. Your case has taken a serious turn. You are going to get rid of that cough. It's going to your head. You will be mad.

Plumpface. Mad? You don't say so! What a horrible idea! I'm afraid you're right. I haven't coughed for three minutes. O, doctor, is there no hope?

Dr. A. Don't stop to talk. Get home at once. (Pushes him out of door, L.) Run for your life. How he goes! The exercise will do his lungs good; but his head, poor fellow! He's got the duchess fever.

Enter Oldbuck, L.

Oldbuck. I say, doctor, what's the matter with Plumpface? I met him, running. Is there a fire anywhere?

Dr. A. Yes, very near him – in his head. It has been turned.

Oldbuck. You don't say so. By what, pray?

Dr. A. By "The Duchess of Dublin."

Oldbuck. Egad! she's enough to turn anybody's head. But I say, doctor, how is she?

Dr. A. What?

Oldbuck. I'm mightily interested in her. How's she getting along? I've seen her, too.

Dr. A. O, this is too much. Oldbuck, look at that foot.

Oldbuck. What's the matter?

Dr. A. It's swelling fearfully. A dangerous symptom. It must be kept down. (Steps on his foot.)

Oldbuck. O, murder! Confound you, what are you doing?

Dr. A. Keeping down the swelling. (Steps again.)

Oldbuck. O! Do you want to murder me?

Dr. A. (steps again. Oldbuck avoids him, and runs round stage, crying out). I tell you, there's no other way. (Steps.) Get home, quick! (Steps.) Quick! If the swelling continues (steps) 'twill reach a vital part. (Steps.) Go home! (Oldbuck runs out, L., crying out.) He's gone. No more practice to-day. (Locks door.) O, that infernal duchess! She's nearly driven me mad, mad, mad! (Sinks into chair.)

Enter Annie, R.

Annie. O, brother, what does it all mean? The yard is filled with people.

Enter Maggie, R., with broom.

Maggie. And the fince is covered wid bys, roosting loike so many hins. I'll have them off, jist. (Goes, L.)

Dr. A. Stop! Don't open that door. My life's in danger if you open that door. (Shouts outside, "Hi! hi! The duchess! the duchess!") O, Lord! the whole village has got it – and got it bad. O, Annie, if you love me, send for Dr. Allopath, send for Judge Busted, or I am completely busted.

Annie. Brother, are you sick? What does this mean?

Enter Frank and Lucy, R.

Frank. It means fame, fortune. O, it's glorious!

Dr. A. Glorious to have your front yard filled with a howling, yelling pack? Hear that. (Shouts outside, "Hi! hi! The duchess! the duchess!")

Frank. O, that's all right.

Dr. A. (jumping up). All right! And perhaps 'twas all right when I saw you a half hour ago with your arms around my affianced bride.

Annie. You did? O, Frank, how could you?

Frank. It's all right, I tell you. (Shouts outside, as before.) I can explain. But, in the mean time, we've work before us. Here, Lucy, just throw that cloud around your head so your eyes alone will be visible. (She does so.) That's good. Now, doctor, give Lucy your arm.

Dr. A. But I would like to know —

Frank. So you shall. In the mean time unhesitatingly obey me. Your professional reputation is at stake. Give Lucy your arm, go up stairs, open the window, step out upon the balcony, and gracefully bow to the assembled people. (Shouts as before.)

Dr. A. Yes, but this proceeding —

Lucy. Is strictly proper. Depend upon it, Adam, there is no other way.

Dr. A. If there is no other way, will you be kind enough to tell me what this way is?

Lucy. Right up stairs. Come.

Dr. A. But what is it about?

Lucy. About time we were up stairs – so come along.

[Exit, Dr. Aconite and Lucy, R.

Annie. Now, Mr. Frank Friskey, I should like to know —

Frank. Hush! (Goes to door, L. Shouts as before.) I hear them above. Now he opens the window. Good. (Outside shouts, "Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!") Splendid!

Alice. Will you oblige me – (Outside shouts, "Hurrah! hurrah! hurrah!")

Frank. Good, good! Ah, now he's shutting the window.

Maggie. 'Pon my sowl, is it the prisident?

Frank. The crowd is breaking up. (Knock at door, L.)

Enter Dr. Aconite and Lucy, R.

Dr. A. Will anybody, male or female, be kind enough to look in my face, and tell me if I am Adam Aconite, or if I am not Acom Adamite.

Frank. I'll be back in a minute. (Runs off, R.)

Maggie. Sure it's the most mysterious mystery that iver took place. It bates the deluge, sure. (Knock at door, L.)

Lucy. Shall I open the door, doctor?

Dr. A. No – yes – don't mind me. I'm not myself. I'm out of my head. I'm mad, mad, mad! (Sinks into chair.)

Annie. O, brother! isn't this terrible? (Knock, L.)

Maggie. Bedad, there'll be a breakdown at that door, or I'm mistaken. (Opens door. Oldbuck, Sharpset, Plumpface, and Dennis tumble in on floor.) Troth, is that a pelite way to inter the house? (They pick themselves up.)

Oldbuck. Introduce me, doctor.

Plumpface. No; me first, doctor.

Sharpset. I'll hold to my bargain.

Dennis. Presint me, docther.

Maggie (swinging her broom round her head). Shoo! Away wid ye's! Don't you say the docther's sick? (They fall back.)

Dr. A. (rising). Gentlemen, I am at your mercy. An hour ago I was the possessor of a noble intellect. Now, I am like the reed shaken by the blast. To whom shall I present you?

Oldbuck, Plumpface, Sharpset, Dennis. "The Duchess of Dublin."

Dr. A. "Monsieur Tonson come again." (Sinks into chair.)

Maggie. "The Duchess of Dublin." O, be aisy wid yer nonsinse. Sure there's nobody here that answers to that name at all at all.

Enter Frank, R.

Frank. No, because her grace has just been driven away in her own carriage. I had the honor of bringing her here; I have had the honor to conduct her from this place, and to receive her thanks for the able manner in which she has been treated by Dr. Aconite.

Dr. A. (comes down, C.). Have you been taken, too, Frank? Alas! poor fellow!

Frank. O, it's all right! Listen to me. Annie! Lucy! (Beckons to them. They come down, C. Oldbuck, Plumpface, Sharpset, and Dennis come down.) Your pardon, gentlemen, a little family secret.

Maggie (swings her broom around her head). Shoo! Ye are trespassing, d'ye mind! (They retire.)

Frank. Doctor, for all the trouble you have endured to-day, I, and I alone, am to blame. We are all interested in your success, and, to insure that success, Lucy and I put our heads together.

Dr. A. And your arms about each other – yes.

Frank. And concocted a scheme which has succeeded admirably. (Oldbuck, Plumpface, Sharpset, and Dennis look at each other, then stealthily approach, C.)

Maggie (flourishing broom). Shoo! Away wid ye's! Have ye's no manners, ye hathens?

Frank. You have your hands full of patients now, from the fact that it has leaked out that you had under your charge a high-born lady. You know that one good customer will attract others. Your success is assured, and our happiness, I trust, not in the distance, as it appeared to be an hour ago.

Dr. A. And you have deceived the trusty public, and given me position by a lie.

Frank. No, for "The Duchess of Dublin" is still under your roof. Have you forgotten the title I gave to Maggie? and she certainly was your patient.

Dr. A. I never thought of that, Frank. I owe you much. But if ever you attempt another such trick —

Frank. But I shan't. This one will give me a wife (takes Annie's hand), and there will be no more mischief in me.

Dr. A. Lucy, what have you to say for yourself?

Lucy. O, I'm delighted. It brings our wedding day so much nearer.

Dr. A. Well, I suppose I must be satisfied then. Gentlemen (all come down R. and L.), I have rather neglected my business to-day, but, having such a mysterious patient, I think you will pardon me. I intend, in the future, to give my attention strictly to village practice.

Oldbuck. It's all right, doctor. I'm proud to have as my physician a gentleman who has been the medical attendant of so distinguished a personage.

Plumpface. Yes, indeed, you've sent my cough off in a hurry, just by your advice; and if you can keep it from my head —

Dr. A. No fear, Mr. Plumpface. I'll cure your head in short order.

Sharpset. Say, doctor, can't you give me the address of the lady? I'll make her a splendid offer to take a position in my Living Curiosity Gallery.

Dr. A. No, that would be betraying profound secrecy.

Dennis. Sacrecy, is it? Be jabers, it's no sacret that she's gone. Ye've a sthrong lift in the profession, and I've a mind to engage ye's to docther the nine childer, if ye'll make the fays conform to the size uv thim.

Enter Abigail, L.

Abigail. And has she gone? and am I bereft of her autograph? O, cruel doctor! to so basely deceive a lone orphan —

Dr. A. Now don't! Say no more about it, my dear miss – madam. It was a mistake. If you will pardon me, I will endeavor to obtain for you the autograph of the king of the Cannibal Islands, in red ink, made from the blood of a missionary.

Abigail. Will you? O, then I forgive you, with all my heart.

Dr. A. (to audience). Ladies and gentlemen, you have witnessed the success of Dr. Aconite during the last half hour in obtaining patients. It may possibly occur to you that they have been obtained by false pretences. But am I to blame? Maggie, come here. (Maggie comes down L. of Dr. Aconite.) I am seeking patients, and want a good recommendation. What can you say for me?