With Love From Cape Town

‘I thought you said you could swim,’ Ella accused Robina, still laughing.

‘I can swim,’ Robina said, trying to hang onto her dignity. ‘But no one told me about that bowl thing. It took me by surprise.’ She was damned if she was going to admit there was another thing she couldn’t do. Mairead probably swam in the Olympics, she thought bitterly. And then as Ella and Niall shared a grin, she had to laugh. She wagged her finger at the pair of them. ‘Just you wait, you two, I’ll get my own back.’

But her fear had left her, and for the next hour they swam and slid down slides and splashed each other in the wave machine. Robina couldn’t remember the last time she’d had so much fun. It was the first time since she had lost the baby that she hadn’t felt an overwhelming sense of loss and sadness. It was almost as if they had put the last few terrible months behind them and were the family they had been in those early, blissful weeks following their marriage. Seeing Niall laugh, Robina realised that it had been a long time, far too long, since she had seen him so relaxed and carefree. Why hadn’t they tried to do something like this before? How could they both have been so stubborn? Even if their marriage was dead, was there a chance that they could be friends at least?

Ice-skating turned out to be just as embarrassing as Robina had expected. She just couldn’t get the hang of gliding forward on her skates; instead she pushed herself around like a baby giraffe finding its legs for the first time, while holding onto the side. Niall and Ella, on the other hand, soon had the hang of it, and while not contestants for the next celebrity ice-skating TV programme, were making valiant attempts at getting around the rink.

Eventually they skated up to her.

‘If we hold your hand, can you let go of the side?’ Ella asked.

Robina could see that Niall was having difficulty controlling his amusement.

‘I don’t think so, darling.’ Robina said. ‘I will definitely fall on my bottom if I do.’

‘No, you won’t. Not if we hold onto you.’

Reluctantly Robina gave in and with Niall holding one hand and Ella on the other they skated off, with Robina doing her best not to wobble. Soon they had completed a circuit, but just when she thought she might be getting the hang of it, she tripped, pulling Niall and Ella down in an untidy heap beside her.

Robina hoped that with her woolly hat pulled low on her ears, no one would recognise her. The last thing she wanted was to spoil the day, or to have pictures in the press of her collapsed on the ice. Somehow she doubted her viewers would be impressed to see the normally cool and collected Dr Robina Zondi making an enormous idiot of herself.

Still grinning, Niall got to his feet and helped Robina to stand. But as he pulled her up, she lost her footing again and fell against him, knocking him to the ice with her on top of him. Ella stood by, watching, in a fit of giggles.

The world stopped as Robina felt the length of Niall’s body underneath hers. Once again, the feel of him brought vivid memories back of their love-making. She looked into his eyes to find him regarding her with what? Pain? Hurt? Desire? She couldn’t tell. Hastily, she scrambled to her feet.

‘I think I’ve had enough,’ she said, hoping that Niall would put her breathlessness down to her exertion. ‘You two carry on for a bit while I grab us some burgers and drinks.’

Ella protested half-heartedly, but Robina could tell she was happy to have her father to herself for a little bit. They accompanied her back to the side, and she left them to it.

As she waited for them to join her, Robina thought back to her earlier resolve. She was the one who had pushed Niall away after the miscarriage and it was up to her to make the first move. On the other hand, Niall wanted more children, children she couldn’t give him…She shook her head. What was the point? She kept going round in circles. She needed to speak to someone. Maybe her mother? Although she hated the thought of revealing the pathetic state of her marriage to Grace, she had to talk to someone. Later that evening, once a happy but tired out Ella was in bed, Niall joined Robina in her sitting room. She had showered and was wrapped in her silky dressing gown, toasting her feet in front of the fire.

‘It was a good day,’ he said softly, coming to stand beside her. ‘We should do it more often.’

‘I know,’ Robina said equally softly. ‘Ella had so much fun.’

‘Why don’t we rent a cottage near Ella’s grandparents for the weekend?’ Niall suggested. ‘Ella hasn’t seen Mairead’s parents since we got married and they are desperate to see her and her them.’

Robina’s heart skipped a beat. Did he want to spend time with her or with Ella? And did it matter? She had promised Ella a trip, but the thought of being away with Niall was unsettling.

His eyes were on hers, and if she hadn’t known better, she would think that her reply really mattered.

‘There are some great easy walks, and some of the most beautiful hills in Scotland to climb. I haven’t really had a chance to show you my country,’ he coaxed.

‘Okay,’ she said finally. ‘Why not? I’ll ask my PA to try and find something in the area, shall I?’

‘No,’ he said firmly. ‘I’ll arrange it. I have the perfect place in mind.’

‘Oh?’ Robina felt a chill run down her spine. ‘Somewhere you and Mairead stayed?’

‘For God’s sake, Robina. Of course not. I’m not that insensitive.’ He pulled a hand through his thick dark hair then smiled sheepishly. ‘Sorry. I know I deserved that. No, it’s nowhere Mairead and I have ever been and you don’t have to do anything except pack a bag. I’ll see to everything else. In fact, I’ve already booked it for this weekend.’

Monday was spent watching Niall in Theatre as he collected eggs from three patients. He looked more relaxed than Robina had seen him for a long time. Gone was the distant, polite man she shared her home with. Instead, here was the man she had met twelve months before—the man she had fallen in love with.

As he worked he seemed oblivious to the camera, explaining to each of the patients exactly what he was doing and why. Every now and again he would catch Robina’s eye as if he wanted to be reassured that she was okay.

The last patient of the day was a young, single woman. Maisie had been an unexpected appointment so Robina hadn’t had the opportunity to meet her in advance. However, as soon as the woman, a pretty redhead in her mid twenties, had heard about the filming she had been adamant she wanted to be part of it.

‘I want other people in my situation to know if there is anything that can be done,’ she said firmly.

Maisie was attending with her mother. At twenty-four, Maisie wasn’t married, not even in a relationship, but earlier in the week she had received the devastating news that she had cervical cancer. Luckily the doctors had caught it in time, so while Maisie would need to undergo chemotherapy, as well as radiotherapy, the prognosis was very good. However, the treatment that would save her life would destroy her ovaries and any chance of her having children. Maisie was still reeling from the news that she had cancer, but she was friendly with one of the specialist nurses at the clinic who had suggested she see Niall.

‘They’ve told me that it’s likely I’ll go through the menopause as a result of the treatment,’ she said quietly, but Robina could see from the whiteness of her knuckles as she gripped her hands together that she was struggling to maintain her composure. ‘And that it means that it is unlikely I’ll be able to have children. Hearing that was almost the worst thing about finding out about the illness. The doctors reckon that with treatment I should make a full recovery, but that I should accept that children aren’t for me.’ Her voice cracked a little. But she took a deep breath and continued. ‘I have always wanted children. Ever since I can remember. I can’t bear it if I can’t. Mairi said you might be able to help me.’

Niall leaned forward in his chair. His voice was gentle. ‘The most important thing is to ensure that your illness is treated successfully. You do realise that?’

‘Of course. I know that they wouldn’t recommend I have chemo and radiotherapy unless it was necessary, but they say they won’t be starting until next month.’

‘When I read the referral letter from your GP, I phoned your oncologist,’ Niall continued. ‘I wanted to be clear what the treatment plan was before we spoke. I didn’t want to get your hopes up.’

The spark of hope in Maisie’s eyes cut Robina to the core. Why was life so unfair? Just when the woman in front of her thought she had everything to look forward to, her dreams were snatched away.

‘When did you last have a period?’ Niall asked.

When Maisie told him, Niall looked satisfied. ‘The timing is good, then,’ he said. ‘What we can do is to stimulate your ovaries to produce eggs, then freeze them using a process called vitrification. Then later, when you are ready, we could thaw them and fertilise them with your partner’s sperm. It would give you a chance at a pregnancy. Your oncologist would be happy for us to treat you as long as we act quickly. I’m afraid it doesn’t give you much time to think, but it is an option.’

Tears were rolling down Maisie’s cheeks and Robina felt tears prick her own eyes. She blinked rapidly. Despite the tears, hope had brightened Maisie’s eyes. Robina just hoped Niall knew what he was doing. Surely he wouldn’t take chances with this young woman? What use would she be to a child if she were no longer alive to care for it?

‘But won’t the hormones you need to give her speed up the spread of her cancer?’ Maisie’s mother asked anxiously. ‘Because, darling, if they do, can’t you see it’s not worth taking the chance?’

‘I wouldn’t recommend this course of action if I wasn’t absolutely certain that it won’t affect the outcome of Maisie’s treatment,’ Niall said. ‘The level of hormones we use in order to stimulate your own hormones is tiny compared to that which floods a pregnant woman’s body. The latest research shows that the amount we would be giving you, along with the very short time span you’d be receiving the hormones, has no material effect on your cancer, but of course it’s entirely up to Maisie. All I can do is tell you what is possible, along with the pros and cons—but the decision is entirely up to you.’

‘Mairi said if anyone could help, it would be you.’ Maisie smiled before turning to her mother and taking her hand in hers. ‘Mum, I need to do this, do you understand? Can you support me? I don’t want to live if it means not ever being able to have children. And my treatment won’t be starting for a few weeks anyway.’

‘You can always adopt, darling. Have you thought about that?’

‘I could, Mum. Possibly. But who knows if it would ever happen? There’s such a shortage of babies. Besides, I know this is really selfish of me, but I want a child that is mine genetically. If it is at all possible.’

‘Well then, my love, it’s up to you.’ Maisie’s mother tried a smile, but it didn’t quite work. ‘I’ll go along with whatever you want.’

Maisie hugged her mother. ‘Thanks, Mum. I don’t want to go through this alone. I need you with me every step of the way.’ Then the two women were in each other’s arms, crying as if their hearts would break. Niall indicated with a nod of his head that they should be left in privacy.

Robina mumbled an excuse and fled for the privacy of the ladies’ toilet. How could Niall do this every day and not be affected? she wondered. And what about the nursing staff? They saw the patients on a regular basis throughout their treatment, became involved, she knew they did, because they had told her it was impossible not to. But they had all said that for each sad and disappointing outcome, there would be successes, some against all odds. And they had hundreds of photographs of happy families to prove it.

She had to keep believing that. Just because life had been unbearably cruel to her, it didn’t mean that these women didn’t have every chance. The irony was that it was Niall who was helping them when he was patently unable to help her.

Chapter Eight

BY THE time Robina finished for the day, she was emotionally exhausted and looking forward to spending some time with Ella. After she had read her a story, she would work on her book before collapsing into bed. Sometimes she wondered if it was all too much, the filming and the writing. Most people would be happy with just one career and she had two. Perhaps she was tearing herself into pieces just trying to prove she could do it all? But prove it to whom? Niall, herself—or her dead father? The time off she had promised Ella was her first break from work since her marriage. Robina felt a shiver of guilt, remembering that she and Niall hadn’t even taken a honeymoon because of her work schedule.

The thought of the weekend away was becoming more appealing by the minute. Even if it did mean Niall and her circling each other like two wary tigers. But since their day out with Ella the tension between them had eased. So perhaps it was what she and Niall both needed. But how would they cope? Thrust into one another’s company for two whole days? Her heart rate upped a notch. Maybe they could build on the fragile truce of the day out.

Her thoughts turned to her mother. She missed her terribly. Something was worrying her—that much was obvious to Robina from their last phone call, no matter how much her mother tried to pretend nothing was wrong. Perhaps she should go and see her? They were due to have a break from filming in a couple of weeks. She could take Ella with her—show her Africa, and introduce her to her family. Her spirits lifted. It was an appealing thought—a couple of weeks back in the country she yearned for, with her mother, would give her time to think at least.

Once Ella was tucked up in bed, Robina popped a lamb joint into the oven and left it cooking while she ran herself a bath. Perhaps Niall would be home in time to join her for dinner. If so, she could discuss her plan with him then. It would give them something to talk about and would make a change from the usual fraught mealtimes where they both struggled to find something uncontroversial to talk about.

The slamming of the door signalled Niall’s arrival home and Robina felt the predictable squeezing of her heart. This was the bit where he should be calling out to her, running up the stairs to take her in his arms…then they would make love, uncaring that dinner was ruined.

Wrapping herself in her dressing gown, she went to greet him. He was shaking the rain off his coat. Robina’s breath caught in her throat as she took in his damp hair. He looks tired, she thought anxiously. Tired, but devastatingly handsome. As she looked at him the thought hit her like a sledgehammer. She still loved him. Completely and hopelessly. All this talk about staying together for Ella’s sake was only half-true. A life without Niall was no life at all.

‘Robina! Is something wrong? Is Ella all right?’

He looked surprised to see her waiting for him. Once again her heart contracted. They had both been so stubborn. They had been in love once; surely he couldn’t have lost all feeling for her?

‘Ella’s fine. She’s sleeping. I thought we might have dinner together,’ she said, feeling a blush steal over her cheeks. ‘And have a chat.’

‘What about?’ His voice was flat. ‘Is there something about the documentary you want to discuss? Because I have to tell you, I’m tired and not really in the mood.’

‘No, it’s not work,’ Robina retorted, disappointment making her brusque. ‘I was thinking of taking a couple of weeks and going to see Mum. I wondered about taking Ella with me.’

They moved into the kitchen where delicious smells were emanating from the oven. Niall cocked an eyebrow in Robina’s direction, but said nothing, instead taking his place at the table.

‘Why now?’ he asked. ‘I thought we agreed that we both needed to spend time with Ella. Or had you forgotten?’

‘I miss Mum,’ Robina said as she removed the lamb from the oven. She had made dauphinoise potatoes and green beans to go with the roast. Somehow the potatoes looked more like mash and the lamb was burnt at the edges, but at least the beans were fine, if a little limp and anaemic-looking.

‘I just know something’s bothering her, and I’d like to find out what. Apart from my brothers, who have their own families, she’s all I’ve got.’

Neil winced then dragged his hand through his hair.

‘We’re your family now, Robina,’ he said quietly.

‘Are you? I want to believe that, but I don’t know if I can.’

‘I thought that’s why we were going away this weekend. So we can try to be a family again. Or have you already decided that it’s not going to work?’ He narrowed his eyes at her. ‘Are you thinking of going back to South Africa for good, Robina? Because if you are, you’d better tell me.’

‘No! Of course not!’ Robina replied. ‘I told you and Ella I wouldn’t leave, and I have no intention of doing so. Niall, why are we going round in circles like this? All I want is some time with my mother. I thought Ella would enjoy the trip. We’re still going away this weekend, aren’t we? And I have every intention of making it a happy couple of days.’ She pushed the lamb towards Niall. ‘Would you carve?’ she said.

Niall attacked the roast with the sharp knife and manfully tried to cut a slice, without much success.

‘Shall I get the saw from the garden shed?’ Robina suggested, and suddenly they were both laughing. Niall managed to carve enough for them to share and the earlier tension drifted away as they chatted about the documentary. Watching Niall as they talked, Robina revelled in the companionship she had missed for so long. It was a start; a small step in the right direction. Her sore heart began to ease.

It was late on Friday by the time they set off. Niall had been held up at the hospital. Although he wasn’t on call, one of his patients had gone into labour and Niall had stayed to do her C-section.

‘I’m sorry, Robina,’ he had apologised when he’d eventually made it home. ‘I promised her I’d deliver her baby and I just couldn’t let her down.’ He sat down at the kitchen table and rubbed a tired hand across his forehead.

‘What happened?’ Robina asked. There had been a time when they’d spend the evenings discussing their patients, sharing the ups and downs of their medical lives, but it had been a long time since they had done that. Robina handed Niall a coffee and waited.

‘She had a stillbirth at thirty-five weeks in her last pregnancy. We don’t know why. God, Robina, it still beats me that we lose babies, even now when we have all this technology at our disposal, and we don’t know why.’

Robina felt the familiar sharp stab of pain.

‘I would have done anything to have been able to save our baby. You do know that, don’t you?’ Niall said gently.

Robina closed her eyes, hearing the undercurrent of sadness in his words. ‘I know, Niall. There was nothing anyone could do.’ She took a deep breath, summoning her courage while trying to find the words to tell him how she felt, but before she could say anything, Ella skipped in and sidled up to her father. Niall put his arm around his daughter and pulled her close.

‘Every baby we lose is a blow.’ He glanced up and Robina sucked in her breath at the naked pain in his eyes.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, watching Ella, who had climbed up on a chair and was rooting around in the kitchen cupboards.

‘Sabrina was naturally worried the same thing would happen in this pregnancy,’ Niall continued. ‘So I agreed to let her have an elective section. It was supposed to be this afternoon, but then I had to take another patient to Theatre who was an emergency. I’ll tell you about that later,’ he said with a quick glance at Ella, who appeared to have found what she was looking for—her favourite mug. ‘Anyway, the emergency took most of the afternoon, so we couldn’t do Sabrina’s section until after five. But, she had a healthy baby girl and is absolutely delighted. So all’s well that ends well.’ He grinned at her and Robina’s heart did a flip-flop. The way he cared about his patients was one of the things she loved most about him.

‘Maybe we should leave tomorrow morning instead?’ Robina suggested. ‘Ella will be ready for bed by the time we get there.’

‘No,’ Ella protested. ‘I want to go tonight. You promised. And I’m all ready to go now I’ve got my cup.’ She set her mouth in a mutinous line. She had been excited all day and Robina knew they couldn’t let her down. Ella had even packed her own suitcase, although when Robina checked it she found it full of books and toys and not much else, and had had to pack another, more appropriate case for her.

‘It’s not too late, surely?’ Niall said. ‘I packed before I left for work this morning, so I’m ready.’

Robina gave in and soon they were following the winding roads that led them to the Highlands. She had never been to the north of Scotland before and she was looking forward to seeing more of her adopted country.

After a couple of hours they pulled up outside a cottage that seemed to be set in the middle of nowhere. Dark, gloomy mountains rose out of the darkness. There were no lights to be seen for miles. Where had Niall brought them? Where were the shops, the restaurants? What on earth were they going to do for the two days?

Predictably, Ella had fallen asleep and they left her in the car while they went to open up the cottage. As promised, keys had been left in the door.

The cottage was tiny and freezing. Again Robina wondered what Niall had been thinking. There was a stove on one side of the kitchen and an open fire on the other side, which obviously served as a small sitting room. Upstairs, Robina was aghast to find that there was only one bedroom.

‘Where is the other bedroom?’ she said to Niall. ‘I imagined there would be at least two.’

Niall was looking baffled and dismayed. ‘I’m sorry, Robina. Believe me, it’s not what I expected. The website described it as luxurious with all mod cons.’ He grimaced. ‘I guess we can say they were a little economical with the truth.’

He looked so woebegone that Robina had to laugh. ‘Never mind. We’ll just have to make the best of it. We can all sleep together in the bed—it’ll be a bit of a squash but, seeing as it’s just for a couple of nights, I’m sure we’ll manage.’ All the same, a little part of her felt disappointed that she and Niall wouldn’t be sleeping together alone. Even so, the thought of sharing a bed with Niall again, even with Ella beside them, was making her pulse race.

‘Why don’t you bring Ella in while I make us something hot to drink?’ she said, keeping her voice steady. ‘Then we’ll see what can be done about the fire.’

Once Ella was tucked up in bed, Robina and Niall set about the fire. But the old-fashioned stove was nothing like either of them had ever seen before and soon they were forced to concede defeat.

‘I’ll have a look at it in the morning,’ Niall said. ‘There’s not much point in persevering at the moment. Let’s go to bed.’

There was nothing else for it. Robina was freezing and there was no way either of them could spend the night in the chair.

‘I’ll just use the bathroom, unless you want to go first?’ she said. The room was suddenly alive with unbearable tension. Niall simply nodded.

Robina spent ages in the bathroom, first trying to get warm water out of the shower and when that didn’t happen making do with lukewarm water at the sink. After washing as best she could, she slipped on the warm flannel pyjamas she had brought, refusing to think about the silky nightdress she had also packed in her suitcase. Eventually, realising she couldn’t possibly spend any more time lurking in the bathroom, Robina abandoned the sanctuary. Niall was exhausted and would no doubt be looking forward to a good night’s sleep—even if she wouldn’t get a wink.

She slipped out of the bathroom, feeling ridiculously self-conscious. She hadn’t felt this way since the night of their wedding—the same unsettling mixture of excitement and nerves. Niall had respected her views on sex before marriage and although it had been hard on both of them, the wait had made that night even more special. Not just special—sensational. Just thinking about it sent waves of heat and desire coursing through her body.