Note: To read before the wedding

Yury Gurkov

Note: To read before the wedding

1. Introduction

Your dream of your own happy family, beautiful wedding ceremony, romance and fabulous love which was born in your earliest youth will soon meet with amazing experiences of the reasons of its success or rather failures. Every teenager tries to form grain by grain the ideal partner in his or her head and this process gives to the person slight euphoria, happiness that is born in the depth of one’s heart. The dream to be happy leads to a natural increase in the level of endorphins in the blood. And this improves mood, well-being, generate light smiles and slight breath-holding even when the person is alone. This wish – to meet your couple is absolutely natural for those who is not even 20 years old and for those who is after 50.

How old are you? Are you still thinking about your own happiness? Do you want to understand this question and to compare the failures of the others with your own expectations? Then this book will be a breath of fresh air, especially if you still didn’t find the one and only. After reading this book you will figure out all the details. The material that is further will help you to find your half successfully.

What can be more important than being a healthy and happy person? Everyone is looking for happiness. The book «To read before the wedding» is a key to the door of happiness, behind which is full and colorful love, wonderful family relationships and a happy childhood for your children and grandchildren in the future.

This is a table book for both young girls and women who want to get a happy marriage from the first time and in any other cases. Rereading this book at every age you can find out your past mistakes, see the roots of the problems and help yourself to build and maintain the marriage you dreamt of. For parents – it is an appeal to create a new layer in the upbringing of their children. This invocation cannot be avoided.

The very first and the most important choice for the young people (who reached adulthood) becomes perhaps the most important choice in the life in order to be happy or happy with the prefix “un”.

How to choose a husband/a wife in order to be happy, to have a friendly and strong family, to be good in the upbringing of the children, to get relationships with the spouse you dreamt of for the many years? What to pay attention to before making this important step in your life – to choose a future spouse?

It depends on you, you will say. That is how majority tells when the conversation on the topic of choosing your soul mate begins. It can be compared with the color palette, in which a few dozen colors from red to purple. Like in the famous proverb “Richard of York gains battles in vain”. In their answers people say that they choose their half only by looking at the red or at the yellow with purple, others – at the combination of orange, green and blue. Such answers are too unilateral, not full, formed in a very strange way. As each color has many intermediate shades and halftones and the same is in choosing a future husband or wife – a huge number of positive and negative characteristics. They should be known at first and figured out before the wedding in order your rainbow of family relationships will cause such a pleasant delight as the original which we can see in nature. When you will read this book till the end, you will make sure, to your great surprise, that it will change your vision.

THE VERY FIRST AND THE MOST IMPORTANT CHOICE FOR THE YOUNG PEOPLE (WHO REACHED ADULTHOOD) BECOMES PERHAPS THE MOST IMPORTANT CHOICE IN THE LIFE IN ORDER TO BE HAPPY OR HAPPY WITH THE PREFIX “UN”.

Are you in love? Congratulations! Or it is in the past but you still remember your first love. Is it enough to create a family? Will your family be happy for a long time with this person? Do you know why more than 50 % of marriages in Russia break up? Where does love disappear? The love that made you sing and fly, closing your eyes from the dizzying happiness. Are you on the way to update this sad statistics? If you don’t know how to ponder, analyze, understand people and see them, “look into the future” through the prism of many factors and actions of your beloved – unfortunately, you are on this way.

If you have already said “YES” after the beautiful speech at the wedding ceremony: “Dear bride and groom! Today is the most beautiful and unforgettable event in your life. Creating a family – is the beginning of a good union of two loving hearts. From this day you will go through the life hand in hand, together experiencing both the joy of happy and grief days. Creating a family you have voluntarily accepted a great duty to each other and to the future of your children. Before the beginning of the ceremony, I’d like you to confirm whether your decisions to become a couple, to create a family are sincere, mutual and free”, means that thinking about the choice is too late, but it’s not late to compare the results and how your criterions were enough to create a happy family.

The words “accepted a great duty to each other and to the future of your children” are heard by very few people. The majority is not acutely conscious of these words in the registry office. If your feet have not reached the threshold of the Registry, your future is in your present day to make you thinking about the decision that will be a great duty soon. The duty to preserve the father to the children, the husband to yourself, the happiness and love for the whole life. So the choice of the betrothed is an infinitely important question.

We begin to understand and compartmentalize, how to do it.

2. «To read before the wedding» – «time machine» for youth and adults

You are reading the book which tries to do an impossible thing – like a time machine it tries to move you forward in your developmental growth. Be attentive – all the changes will be for the better. Especially if you are young and you haven’t already collected engagement rings. Rings which can signify many years of living together with a bad ending in almost 60 marriages out of 100. This “time machine” will help you to look at the issues of choosing a life partner from the position of your future life in case if you choose a partner without changing anything in your life. Of course I understand that a reader now has a million questions and objections: “Do I need this journey into the future? How does it work? Why is it written about this fantasy – travelling through time?

But for somebody this journey isn’t forward, it is backward – the journey into the past. The past where you were in the Registry, saying YES to the lover of your life, changing your surname. And for those who are travelling back it also should be extremely interesting – how is it – to choose correctly? Where did I make an unforgivable mistake?

The answer can be like in the famous proverb “it is never too much for a good thing”. Those who have already been an old hand at unprepared relationships or divorced will certainly remember their past mistakes, reading these lines. These people would certainly use the “time machine” in their days when they were young and free in order to make this time journey and to do “too much for a good thing”. It hurts both mentally and physically because breakups and divorces happen hard in most cases. How many children who are upbringing in incomplete families? How many fathers they have who don’t love them as an own children? How many young women who are not fighting for their happiness anymore? Who are drowning in different silly pleasures? How many people are curing their souls after all the humiliations in their unhappy marriages?

THOSE WHO HAVE ALREADY BEEN AN OLD HAND AT UNPREPARED RELATIONSHIPS OR DIVORCED WILL CERTAINLY REMEMBER THEIR PAST MISTAKES, READING THESE LINES. THESE PEOPLE WOULD CERTAINLY USE THE “TIME MACHINE” IN THEIR DAYS WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND FREE IN ORDER TO MAKE THIS TIME JOURNEY AND TO DO “TOO MUCH FOR A GOOD THING”.

For this reason somebody wants to start his or her “time machine” today. You will get mentally older and more practical in choosing a life partner without celebrating birthdays and getting presents but still young and attractive. You have an advantage, a privilege to read it now. Some women are getting wiser only with wrinkles on their faces, with nasolabial folds, with hands that became weather-beaten. Women who are trying to maintain their attractiveness with face creams and masks. These are mostly the imprints of tears because of the divorces and mournful breakups after the wedding. The guidebook with correction of mistakes is ready for you.

You can read and grow up. Grow up with new thinking, with capacity to reflect and with knowledge of the life stories of other people who live near you. These people are elder and they were also thinking that they knew everything about relationships. And now they know that at that time they were young and absolutely not ready for the wedding. You have a unique chance not to do all these mistakes, to save your dream about the ideal wedding without scars of problems. Learn from other’s mistakes, promising to yourself never to repeat them. These are costly mistakes in choosing a husband that lead your life to the turbulence zone.

Thanks to everyone who told about their failures in the interview. Now we invite the reader to plunge further because we are just beginning to delve into the details of choosing a husband or a wife. It is like you touch water (is it warm enough?) to go swimming. Is it interesting for you to learn much about this theme? Take a breath and dive together with “time machine” making pauses and replaying special situations at new or controversial moments.

3. The choice of a spouse – the problem with many unknowns

Let’s go back to choosing of a life partner. So, what is so necessary to find out in the passionate relationships when you are only 200 months old? Oh, by the way, do you know what does it mean? How many years? Will you manage to calculate it in 5 seconds without a calculator? I will count down from five: one…two…three… Do you have an answer? You have two more seconds… Four…five! And once more to blow out your brains, 500 months – how many is it in years? These tasks will help you to be in good shape because you have to think deeply, remember and analyze. You can talk out loud or ask for the help from someone who is close, maybe after your recommendation he or she will decide to read the book and be happy. You can share this book with your partner or give a hint about it, but first it is better to have a head start. And while he will be reading after you, there will be a unique process in your head, – like in a computer – «reboot». Rebooting allows computer to use a newly installed program, this book will load you with a completely new evaluation system and a strategy for choosing a groom.

You will be able to look into the windows of different people’s family stories without disturbing those who are behind the glass. They agreed to put you in front of this “window”, so you do not make the same mistakes. Highlight for yourself those moments that you have already met. Stay a bit longer on those that according to your views could not happen. Check yourself, – are not you on the same way?

The process of choosing a husband – is the same set of rules and “formulas”, where after the sign “=” should be – Yes, he is the best one. It is a problem without many unknowns. There are more than one or two issues. And there are two golden rules:

1) do not hurry;

2) Check your partner on all counts in order not to marry “a pig in a poke” and clearly understand all your risks and possible future difficulties in every situation: in everyday life, while dealing with important issues such as how and on what spend money, how to spend your free time. Maybe there is a chance that your husband/wife will be an alcoholic or an addicted person. Will your partner make surprises for you or will there be a place for romantic evenings even if you are tired after work? Will he/she support you in your career? And who is the head of the family in the long run? It is not strange that the last theme about the family head is the honey pie for all women. And both partners in the newborn family use their best tactics to win this battle. Let me show you some examples.

It is clear (and almost there is a part of logic) that it should be the man who is the head, and the second role – for the woman. But who said that this simple and plain logic is unambiguous? In fact, it is the cornerstone in all the cracks in the families. There are plenty of combinations even in this issue. And, for example, the man thinks he is a leader, a real head of the family…But! The trickiest girl knows that her partner is only a neck. This means that there is no matter what the head thinks, the neck will turn wherever it wants. But the guy is very much on the ball. He knows that his crush is a bit rustic and knows all her thoughts and intentions. He specifically plays into the hands of her with all “turnings the neck” as if it was she who decided like that. So, the girl relaxes. And at this stage the girl celebrates the victory because she managed to play “the game”. At the same time she took him to the exhibition, against which he was all the previous year. And he thus managed to convince her to go camping for a week, despite the fact that she used to say about such journeys «over my dead body». And who is the simpleton? Who is the winner? It is possible that after such “cruise” she will climb down and allow him to go to the bars once or twice a month. And after two or three glasses of beer he will share his experience of finding compromises with his friends and new acquaintances.

AFTER ALL, TO LIVE WITH ONE PERSON ALL THE LIFE – IS THE HARDEST WORK, CAUSE IN THIS SPHERE YOU HAVE TO BE YOURSELF WITH ALL THE MINUSES AND PLUSES, BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT MANAGE TO HIDE THEM.

I do not think these are all the unknowns in such multilayered task as choosing the right lover for a family life. After all, to live with one person all the life – is the hardest work, cause in this sphere you have to be yourself with all the minuses and pluses, because you will not manage to hide them. And the majority are not ready either for the practical choice, or to assess their future difficulties in relations with your own half, arising from the qualities of your future husband or wife. You are not ready to solve this problem? You have to weigh all the details and check the answers:

– what will happen then, if he already raises his voice in the quarrels?

– what happens if he thinks about the work even on the dates?

– will he take care of me if I have a heavy bag with books and he notice it in hour and a half?

– how it will be – to live with him in one house, if he never offered a help when I was doing some household chores?

– what happens if he is talking with several girls in the chats now, saying they are from the work?

Further all is tedious and banal: if you hastened or missed out some details, – abide by the circumstances, cultivate your best abilities in order to agree well and save your family. Somebody even starts to study psychology at the university, others (due to their characters or philosophy, mindset or something else) shut the door with a bang, leave their families and divorce. Their replies to the simple questions like «What was the big rush?» are the most obscure, they sounds lame in their own ears. It shows that their mind was resting or sleeping in that very moment. But it turns out that without the mind you will not success in choosing your life partner. What are the consequences of the compulsive and reckless love?

4. Divorce in Russia. Historical information. Experience of other countries

Divorce in Russia were rare even 100 years ago. For example, in the pre-revolutionary period, due to the way of life that led most of the population, divorces were an exception:

– The first reason was the farm. It was a kind of a barrier. Women could not do all the work themselves. Farming was the only income for majority, so it was not beneficial to break up with the half;

– The second reason was the church that maintained the value of the family and had negative attitude towards divorce.

The Communist party and the total control of the moral image in the USSR were the next obstacles for those who had decided to come out of relationships. People who were in the parties were afraid of being judged by their colleagues. Over and above, there was the possibility of exclusion from the party because of divorce. Komsomol members were in the similar situation. This ideological press held even those who had real problems in their marriages, those who wanted to break up.

According to statistics the number of divorces after the collapse of the Soviet Union increased 4–5 times. The leading role is taken by Portugal. 67 marriages out of 100 break up. There are also a lot of divorced couples in the Czech Republic, Hungary and Spain – 65 out of 100. USA and Russia have the same number – 57. The best statistics are in Norway, Germany, Australia and Canada. The number of divorces there is less than in the other countries, – only 40 % or a bit more.

Perhaps you should look for a husband in Ireland, if you want to have more guarantees that the marriage will not break up. The Irish get divorced only 15 times out of 100. If you thoroughly prepare your marriage and the marriages of your children, making them strong and stable, the statistics in your country will also change for the better.

Nowadays, in our consumer society, when the desire to have different benefits of civilization – a car, various household appliances, new mobile phones, live and travel on credit – the value of the marriage itself has also become a kind of consumer, not so important. Well, for example – a person got married once, but the cake was dough, so he or she will marry once again or twice. The same thing is with loans. Not all people pay debts on time, having from 3 to 5 at the same time. These people always say: “It is okay. I will pay later.” Oftentimes, this happens with marriages too: people get married quickly as if they are in a hurry, and break up, as if parting with an old smart phone. Now it is almost normal to hear "my daughter divorced her husband or they lived in a civil marriage or after breakup she is alone with the child."

When we have such a statistic we can easily find out some stories about unhappy relationships even in our inner circle. Young people began to perceive divorce as a kind of something normal. But it should not be so. Dead wrong!

Here is the other statistic which shows the relationships between the years lived together and the number of divorces:

1) up to 1 year – 3,6 %;

2) 1–2 years – 16 %;

3) 3–4 years – 18 %;

4) 5–9 years – 28 %;

5) 10–19–22 %;

6) from 20 and more – 12,4 %.

From all these points we can notice that the greatest number of divorces falls on the age of 18–35 years.

Let us examine causes of divorce.

Normally, divorces are initiated by women. Activity among the male half can be seen only after their 50 years. Among the most common causes of family breakups are:

1) The lack of psychological preparedness, incompatibility of partners – 47 %;

2) alcohol abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction – 31 %;

3) infidelity, betrayal – 15 %;

4) poor living conditions – 3 %;

5) other – 4 %.

AFTER THE FIRST DIVORCE ONLY 27 % OF WOMEN REMARRY.

After the first divorce only 27 % of women remarry. If a woman ruins her marriage in her 25–30 years, then maybe after 5 years she will feel that she has no one to choose from. After 35 years, the cause of female loneliness is a clear lack of men due to high mortality. From what we can ascertain, women do not have to choose much in Russia – there are 589 thousand prisoners, 2.5 million drug addicts, of which only 600 thousand are on medical records and 12 million suffering from alcoholism.

After a long conversation about the choice of a spouse, we will certainly broach subject of successfully overcoming difficulties of living together in a family, if not in this, then in the next book.

When I am speaking on these issues, I am full of dreams about Russia. It will be great if Russian Federation would become an example of trustworthiness and faithfulness in family relationships.

5. It is hard to talk about it

What is interesting, – that one of the biggest difficulties in the topic of choosing a husband is not only the opportunity to talk about it in details or to understand what is important step by step. It is also extremely necessary to know things without which it is impossible to start moving even in your thoughts towards the wedding.

You will not be able to find such talks for a young lady for love or money, if for no other reason because she will not share her secrets. Some modest parent’s attempts to suggest "where you need to pay attention for" are always laughed out of court because of the child’s closeness and the challenges of her growing up. But in a little while this girl may herself become a mother. Some tips from the same inexperienced friends are more like the advice from one child to another – how not to share a candy.

It is difficult to talk about a comprehensive approach to choosing a husband, starting even with the fact that the ability to reflect and reason objectively is not developed in many of us, especially in young people. Both the lack of life experience and unwillingness to listen to the elders ties a hard knot in this task. Perhaps it was also the chosen by parent’s one-sided position on this issue when the teenager was still up to 16. And then there is the dominant concept of biochemistry in love. All these components not only do not make practical approach "how to choose a good husband" as clear as a bell. They no longer take into account all the concepts, often mixing them to complete confusion in the young head.

IT IS DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT A COMPREHENSIVE APPROACH TO CHOOSING A HUSBAND, STARTING EVEN WITH THE FACT THAT THE ABILITY TO REFLECT AND REASON OBJECTIVELY IS NOT DEVELOPED IN MANY OF US, ESPECIALLY IN YOUNG PEOPLE.

You cannot talk about this topic only once or twice – it will not work. I know this because I had a great experience with many people. It will not work for many reasons:

– the topic is very extensive, you need several approaches, you need time to contemplate;

– while communicating with each other, people often find it complicated to select the necessary and what is even more difficult – paramount factors for choosing a spouse.

Stereotypes can press. For example – how to choose a husband? Answer: «That should be a good guy. He should be handsome, love his wife to the moon and back and earn a lot of money. That is all!» As soon we will find out – it is not all and not all at all:

– everyone has formed views on it;

– not everyone is ready to reveal to other and speak frankly;

– the conversation often veer towards certain subject, clinging to one of the moments;

– when opinions clash, the conversation is often in an impasse;

– it is difficult to admit mistakes or gaps in this important issue;

– most part of people are closed to new in these issues, considering themselves completely right.

Tonight you are alone with the book. It is a chance to get a better handle on this issue. You can argue and disagree; it is only the opinion of the author. These questions are often very intimate, deeply internal. And yet, it is uncustomary to analyze this topic, and this can be seen in the examples below and in the examples of people living next to you.

Consistent consideration of many components of the choice of a life partner is collected through frank and blatant interviews of people of different ages living in different cities and countries. And each of them gives you the opportunity to see the mistakes of the characters. Also there are some answers to questions and you have the chance to draw a conclusion on your own. It is not hard to notice that until we do not go deeply into this topic, everything seems right, good, like it should be. Well, what is that got to do with you – who and how is choosing a husband or a wife? All people are independent, they will figure it out in their own. What is more, it seems not really correctly to stick one’s nose into this question.