Humbugs and Heartstrings: A gorgeous festive read full of the joys of Christmas!

‘Fine. Except you’ve missed off a nought,’ I tell her cheerfully.

‘No. I haven’t.’ Her icy green stare challenges me to argue.

I look at the figure she’s prepared to pay and shake my head. ‘No way.’ It will just about cover the cost of a sleeping bag and a hot dog.

‘Yes. Way. Now go and organise it. Please.’ She flashes me a fake smile. ‘And I want it sorted today.’

With a feeling of dread I return to my desk and go online to research hotels.

It’s a hopeless task because how will I ever find anything to suit her miserly budget?

I spend the next few hours making embarrassing, abortive calls to reservations staff, who are incredibly nice at first – until I mention the budget. I can almost hear the goodwill evaporate, like water droplets on a hot oven ring, as they switch from ‘helpful’ to ‘hang on, is she taking the mick?’

By four o’clock, I’m so brassed off, I start cutting to the chase as soon as someone picks up, as in, ‘Hello. You’ll probably think I’m a complete nutter but … ’

There’s absolutely no point telling Carol I’m having no success because she’ll only stand her ground and make out that it’s my lack of ability that’s the problem. Plus she’ll enjoy my discomfort.

I glance anxiously at my watch. My brother’s been suffering from a bad chest infection. I promised Mum I’d collect his medication and take it round to her tomorrow, on my way in to work.

But the chemist’s closes at five-thirty and I’m down to the final hotel on my list.

My very last hope.

Punching in the number, I offer up a silent prayer that this time I’ll speak to someone who is at least a little sympathetic to my plight. I will offer to bake them muffins, read them a bedtime story – God, I’ll even send hard cash – if they will only give me what I need. Then I can get the hell out of here for another day.

It rings – smile and look positive! – and it rings.

It keeps on ringing.

Then it rings some more.

With each electronic shriek, an iron band of frustration tightens around my gut, increasing my sense of panic.

‘For God’s sake, what kind of a place is this?’ I drum my fingers hard on the desk, tensing my ear muscles against the phone shrieks. ‘Christ, have all the staff taken the same day off?’

Shona and Ella are frowning sympathetically at me.

I am so incensed it doesn’t immediately register that the phone has stopped ringing.

So, as it filters through my jangling head that someone is actually speaking, I am simultaneously yelling, ‘Bloody fucking stupid bastard of a hotel!’

There is a deafening silence at the other end.

And then a man says, ‘Well, you know, that’s not how we’re currently described in the Good Hotel Guide.’

My heart leaps with horror.

Oh, buggery bollocks!

Heat envelops me, I am sweltering like a greenhouse in high summer. What do I do now? Hang up?

Then I think of Carol, hatchet-faced, drumming her fingers, expecting a miracle.

This man is my last hope. I’ll just have to grovel.

‘Gosh, I do apologise.’ I pull out my T-shirt neckline and desperately waft some cool air in. ‘I’m – er – having rather a stressful afternoon and it all got a bit – well … ’

‘Too much?’

‘Exactly.’

He laughs. ‘Well, I wouldn’t worry about it. We’ve all been there. Try squeezing a tennis ball.’

‘Sorry?’

‘That’s what I do when I feel like leaping off a cliff. You’ve got to put a hole in it, obviously.’

‘A hole,’ I repeat, feeling somewhat bemused. ‘Yes. Of course.’

‘Works wonders. Honestly. You should try it.’

His voice is deep and oddly soothing, and my panic subsides a little.

‘So what’s stressing you out? Is your goldfish ill? Or is your boss giving you a hard time?’

I’m about to laugh wearily and say, ‘Spot on!’ Then I think: No, I’ve got to be nice about Carol. She has to sound like the perfect hotel guest.

‘The Boss?’ I take a deep breath and cross my fingers. ‘Oh no, she’s great. Firm but fair. Always puts the welfare of her staff before profits. And she particularly asked me to book her a stay at your hotel. We’ve heard – er – fabulous reports.’

I can see Shona giving me funny looks. But I don’t care. I’ll tell as many porkies as required in order to bag a deal and get out of here.

‘Right, well, we’ve obviously got a lot to live up to. So let’s see what we can do for you.’ His tone is laced with humour. He sounds so laid-back, I can’t imagine him ever needing to leap off a cliff.

I gulp. ‘There’s – er – just one thing. The Boss has a budget.’

‘Of course. Fire away.’

I close my eyes and mumble the figure.

There’s a brief silence.

Then he laughs.

Roars with laughter, in fact, and my heart drops into my boots.

I stare murderously at Carol’s door.

I knew it was useless.

‘I’m glad you’re amused,’ I say primly, when Reservations Guy has stopped clutching the desk, wiping his eyes and falling off his swivel chair. ‘I, on the other hand, don’t find it in the least bit funny. Thank you for your time. Goodbye.’

I hang up, my dignity in shreds, and punch ‘bargain hotels London’ into Google with so much force, it comes out as ‘bqrghain hireks Libdon’.

A second later, the phone rings, and when I snatch it up, a familiar voice says, ‘Let me lessen your stress. As I said, I’ll see what we can do for you.’

I sit bolt upright. Reservations Guy. ‘Oh. Right,’ I mutter hoarsely. ‘Er, that’s great, thanks.’

‘Give me your email address.’ He sounds like he’s smiling. ‘The name’s – er – Ronald McDonald. I’ll get back to you. Oh, and look after that goldfish.’

I laugh and give him my details, feeling a whole lot better.

A minute later, I pop my head round The Boss’s door. ‘Job’s a good ‘un.’

‘It bloody better be,’ she yells after me, as I skip out and grab my coat.

Chapter Three

I’m in such a hurry to leave, I don’t even notice the rain.

All week, the weather reporters have been banging on about a spectacular storm that will sweep north, arriving just in time for today’s commuter exodus.

Luckily, I thought to wear my new raincoat this morning – the one I fished out of a bargain bin at a camping shop. It’s fairly obvious why no one wanted it. The last time swirly orange and purple Paisley pattern was on trend, I probably wasn’t even alive. Plus it’s a large size and therefore swamps me. But it’s functional, and that’s what’s important.

As I emerge from the chemist’s, the sky turns spookily dark and thunder crashes overhead. A fork of lightning splits the sky and big fat raindrops begin to splat onto the pavement. Everyone hurries to get somewhere.

I glance anxiously upwards. The clouds are black and menacing, like giant angry gods. Raincoat or not, I’m going to get soaked.

Remembering the teashop Shona keeps raving about, I hurry down the next side street and dive thankfully through the door. I flump down in a seat by the window of Frankie’s Tearoom and observe the storm with wonder for a moment. Rain is now lashing against the windows and it’s so black out there it could be midnight.

I shrug off my coat and glance around to gauge the clientele. There are pearls and stiff perms in abundance. This is clearly an establishment that embraces old-fashioned values: white tablecloths, low lighting, waitresses in black with frilly white aprons, and exotically-named teas that arrive with a strainer on the side. It’s the sort of place where you plan what extravagant cake-y treat you’re going to have well in advance. Beneath the glass case I spy luscious-looking cherry bakewells, scones bursting with sultanas and generous slabs of something gooey and chocolatey. Shona says she comes here for a bit of peace and sanity on days when The Boss is being narky. On that basis, I’m surprised Shona isn’t the size of a modest bungalow.

It’s a maelstrom outside. Cars are crawling; pedestrians keep their heads down, buffeted by the storm. But it’s safe and warm in here, behind the glass.

I order a pot of Earl Grey and watch a man dash from newsagents to van with a paper over his head.

The waitress delivers my tea and I am just about to bring out my book when the door opens and in bursts an amply-fleshed middle-aged woman in a strawberry-patterned mac. She shakes the raindrops from her thick, honey blonde hair and glances around expectantly. When her eyes settle on me, she bustles straight over, her generous hips almost divesting an alarmed couple of their starched tablecloth and jam pot.

With no preamble whatsoever, she says in a loud and cheerful Welsh accent, ‘This is probably going to sound a bit strange but can I interest you in a tea leaf reading?’

My heart sinks.

I glance quickly around. An older couple in the corner are looking over with unconcealed interest.

Oh God, of all the people in here, why do I have to be the one lumbered with Mrs Whacko?

‘No thanks.’ I give her an apologetic smile. ‘I don’t have any cash on me.’

She looks shocked. ‘Oh, Heavens, no, you misunderstand me. I’d be doing it totally for free. I’m still learning, see. Started night classes last week down the college.’

‘Oh, right. Well, that would have been lovely,’ I tell her regretfully, ‘but I have to go in a minute.’

‘But it’ll only take a minute.’

Of course it will. Silly me.

Her smile is so warm and eager, I really haven’t the heart to refuse.

There’s something slightly familiar about her but I can’t think what.

She drops her green velvet shoulder bag on the table and unbuttons the mac to reveal a bright yellow blouse, rugby forward’s arms and an eyeful of cleavage that quivers when she moves like a nearly-set custard.

‘Miriam Cadwalader.’ She holds out her hand.

‘Roberta Blatchett.’ Her hand, when I shake it, is surprisingly small with neat, with hot-pink lacquered nails. ‘But everyone calls me Bobbie.’

Mrs Cadwalader gives her hands a gleeful rub. ‘Right, Bobbie, love, let’s get right down to it.’ She draws her chair closer to the table with several high-pitched screeches of wood on wood and more customers turn to peer in our direction. Completely oblivious to the stir she is causing, Mrs Cadwalader flicks through a notebook filled with big curly handwriting.

Staring at her thick, curly hair, I suddenly remember where I’ve seen her. She’s the woman on the bike in the bright orange tracksuit!

I watch her with a mix of amusement and wariness as she runs her finger down a list. I assume it’s a step-by-step ‘how to’ guide.

I’ve managed to get myself on a fairly even keel since the disaster that was London and Bob the Knob. My life is fine now. There are no great surprises, of either the nice or nasty variety. I do my laundry on Monday nights and my ironing on Wednesdays. I trek to the local supermarket on Saturday afternoons, buying just enough to fill a decent-sized rucksack before going home for ‘treat night’ which involves a long soak in the bath, a glass of wine and a good movie. And that is exactly the way I like it, thank you very much. I do not want to hear that I will travel to foreign shores, meet the man of my dreams and move house.

And I do not believe for one second that future events can be gleaned from the remnants of my cuppa.

Mrs Cadwalader seems very nice. But tea leaf reading at night class? The course organisers must be laughing all the way to the Bank of Gullible Fools and People With More Money Than Sense.

She reaches for my cup, swills it round and deftly tips the tea into the saucer. Then she peers at the contents.

‘You have a lovely man,’ she says, looking up and beaming at me.

‘I do?’

Her smile slips. ‘You don’t?’

Just what I thought. It’s a complete load of bollocks, just like all the other ‘clairvoyant’ pedlars of hocus pocus, who encourage poor hopefuls to part with their cash.

I shrug apologetically. ‘I’m afraid not.’ Unless you count Bob the Knob, of course, who – even after three years – is still moved sometimes to phone up begging me to take him back, which is ridiculous on a number of levels but particularly because he lives three hundred miles away in London. (Ten pints and a kebab seems to be his tipping point these days. Cue copious outpourings of guilt, over-the-top declarations and a surfeit of wind from both ends.)

Mrs Cadwalader grabs the cup and frowns into its depths. ‘Oh, hang on.’ Her brow clears. ‘That’s because he hasn’t arrived yet.’

‘Ah!’ I suppress a smile. ‘So will he be along any time soon?’ I ask, looking at my watch. ‘I think they close at six.’

‘Hard to tell,’ she murmurs. ‘But I do see a turkey. Hang on, is that a kangaroo? No, definitely a turkey.’

A laugh escapes. I can’t help it. ‘A turkey? Really? Alive or dead?’

‘Can’t be specific. But what I can tell you is there’s definitely a storm brewing.’ She laughs and raises her hands to the tempest that’s currently giving the High Street a good battering. Then she bends to the cup. ‘Yes, a storm brewing around a lifelong friendship. A girl you’ve known since schooldays?’ She frowns and peers closer. ‘It’s all a bit of a mess, really.’

‘Isn’t that just the tea leaves clogging together?’ I suggest helpfully. I’m not at all sure I like where this is going.

‘No, I don’t think so,’ says Mrs Cadwalader, whose irony radar is obviously either on the blink or still in the shop. ‘You were close as sisters, you two. But not any more. Ooh, she’s a sad, sad person.’ She looks up. ‘Any of that ring a bell, dear?’

Surprisingly, it does – and as guesses go, I have to admit, it’s genius. Mrs Cadwalader can’t possibly know about Carol and the Cold War that broke out between us several years earlier. Frosty relations have since grown icier than a neglected chest freezer.

‘She’s sad, all right,’ I mutter.

Mrs Cadwalader nods in sympathy. ‘You let each other down.’

I sit forward abruptly. ‘Er, I’m sorry, but you’ve got that completely wrong.’

‘Have I, dear?’

‘Yes!’ Self-righteous indignation rises up in my chest. ‘Carol let me down. End of story.’

Mrs Cadwalader places her soft, plump hand over mine and says gently, ‘Except it’s not the end of the story for your friendship.’

‘I wouldn’t bet on it.’ I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel stupidly close to tears.

Why am I getting emotional about a strange woman’s ramblings? Carol and our friendship are history. There is no going back, not after the way she’s treated me.

‘Three – um – ghosts will come to your rescue.’

‘What?’

Mrs C looks up worriedly then gives her head a little shake. ‘No, that can’t be right. Does that sound right to you?’

I shrug expansively, completely lost for words.

She means well, I’m sure. But the last thing I need is my past raked over and a farcical tale about ghouls coming to sort it all out.

She smiles. ‘Silly me. They’re not ghosts at all. They’re messengers! Three messengers.’

Oh, that’s all right, then.

I have to hand it to her. She’s very entertaining. Either she’s a really good actor or she genuinely believes that the guff she’s spouting is actually going to happen.

‘Heed the messengers’ advice and both your lives will be … er … ’ – she leafs urgently through her notebook, finally finding the right page – ‘enriched beyond measure!’

Homework complete, she sits back and beams at me, as if she deserves a gold star and a lollipop.

‘Well, thank you for that.’ Now is definitely the time to make my exit. ‘I’m – er – not a huge believer in this kind of thing.’

Mrs Cadwalader gives an understanding nod. ‘Neither was I, dear. But since I left Brian, I’ve been opening my mind to a whole host of different things.’

‘Brian?’

‘My ex.’

‘Oh.’ I glance at her vacant ring finger. ‘Didn’t you love him?’

‘No, I did not.’ She grows even more Welsh in her indignation. ‘Well, he never appreciated me, did he? Never really talked to me.’ She purses her lips. ‘He had to have his meal on the table at six on the dot otherwise he would sulk for days.’

‘How awful.’

‘It was, it was.’ She stares bleakly into the distance for a moment.

Then she snaps to, with a smile. ‘So anyway, I put up with it for all those years and then one night, I said, “You know what? You can bugger off, Brian.” I mean, getting the veg to the precise level of tenderness at the same time as the meat is practically impossible. It was doing my head in keeping to his tight schedule and trying to make him happy. So I threw down the tea towel and I said, “Brian, you’ll have beans on toast tonight or lump it!”’

I nod admiringly, remembering Bob the Knob’s delightful little ‘quirks’.

‘Well, of course he went off it, didn’t he? Threw me out of the house. So I went to a really posh hotel with his credit card and called my friend, Doris. Then you know what we did?’

‘What?’ In spite of myself, I’m intrigued.

‘We went to the bar and drank our weight in brandy.’

She sits back with a little smile and her eyes go all dewy. ‘Great friend, Doris. So supportive. Kept knocking them back even though she’s actually a port-and-lemon-once-a-month kind of girl.’

‘Just the sort of friend you need in a crisis,’ I say, suddenly thinking that’s exactly what Carol would have done for me. Once upon a time.

Mrs Cadwalader nods. ‘How true. Doris, bless her. Couldn’t get back on the stool that second time, she was laughing so hard.’

‘Sounds like a great night.’

‘Oh, yes. We did the can-can in the restaurant and the waiter refused to join in. It’s all a bit of a blur after that.’

‘And Brian?’

‘Well, he’s moved his secretary in!’ Her eyes are wide with disbelief. ‘So I said to him, “Brian, you’re a walking cliché and by the way, I’ve never had an orgasm in my life, but watch this space.”’

‘But you’re okay now?’ I picture her hot on the trail in her quest for the big ‘O’.

She leans forward and lays her hand on my wrist. ‘Oh, I’m more than okay, girl. I’m fabulous! I’ve always been a bit psychic so I decided I’d try to make a career of it. Use my natural, God-given talents, so to speak. The sky’s the limit, really. If you’ve got a dream, go for it, that’s what I say!’

I nod, slightly cowed by her exuberance. When was the last time I felt that excited about life? Too long ago to remember.

‘Anyway, I gotta go now, bach.’ She gathers up her things and peers anxiously outside. ‘I’ll have to make a dash for it. Meeting Doris. We’re going on the prowl. Panthers, we are!’

‘Don’t you mean ‘cougars’?’ I chuckle, as she stands up and shrugs on her strawberry mac.

She spins round and points at me. ‘That’s it! I knew panthers didn’t sound right. By the way, bach, I forgot to say. The first messenger will arrive tonight.’

I nod sagely. ‘I’ll get the kettle on, then.’

She winks at me, slings her bag over her shoulder – almost swiping the vase of fake sweet peas from the next table – and bustles off. Colliding with an elderly couple coming in, she steps back and waves them in with an extravagant flourish.

I sit for a minute, slightly dazed. It’s a bit of an anti-climax now that she’s gone. I imagine she has that effect on everyone she meets.

A genuinely lovely woman.

But Carol and I friends again?

And a ‘lovely man’ on the horizon?

I really don’t think so.

She got the turkey spot on. But that’s hardly genius. It’s Christmas in less than two months’ time.

I peer into the darkness to check if the rain has stopped. It has, so I go over to the counter and pay for my tea. As I’m leaving, I happen to glance over at my table in the corner.

On the wall behind my chair is a poster advertising the local amateur dramatics’ production of A Christmas Carol. There sits Scrooge, looking spooked in nightcap and gown, a motley crew of phantoms at his back.

I leave the café, chuckling to myself.

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