Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity

For Tony McGowan - AS

For Mrs Aubrey - DT

First published in Great Britain 2018

by Egmont UK Limited

The Yellow Building, 1 Nicholas Road, London W11 4AN

Text copyright © 2018 Andy Stanton

Illustrations copyright © 2018 David Tazzyman

The moral rights of the author and illustrator have been asserted

First e-book edition 2018

978 1 4052 9098 2

Ebook ISBN 978 1 4052 9257 3

www.egmont.co.uk

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library

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CONTENTS

Cover

Dedication and Copyright

Title Page

NATBOFF

THE MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA

Bibbering Through the Ages: The Stone Table

Princess Snowflake and the Gypsy King

The Story of Old King Thunderbelly and the Wall of Lamonic Bibber

Life and Times of Saint Follican

Bibbering Through the Ages: Ráðghöldeskvúldrr

A BRIEF HISTORY of the MERRIE OLD KINGS and QUEENS of ENGLAND

The Two Friends

Bibbering Through the Ages: Upside-Down Walker on the Bun Shop

The Duckling and His Mother

’TIS RUBBISH BEING A SQUIRREL

The Witchfinder General

LORD FAMOUS AND THE PLAGUE

The GREAT FIRE

Bibbering Through the Ages: Wednesday O’Leary

A Fork in the Road

Bibbering Through the Ages: Madame Strawberries

The Victorian Age

The STRANGE CASE of DOCTOR WEMPERS and MR CRIBBINS

Bibbering Through the Ages: Chimpy Roberts

To My Wife, Mary

Bibbering Through the Ages: Frank Nerbles

Brian Six

THE FRUIT SCIENTISTS, THE TALKING GRAPES, THE CROWS OF THE FUTURE, THE DISCONNECTED-FACE-BUM-DOGS, THE PENCIL PEOPLE, THE NORMAL PEOPLE, THE ELECTRONIC NOIMPS, THE STUPID ANTS WITH HUMAN HANDS, THE UNITED STATES OF BEING A LION, THE SUBTERRANEAN KINGDOM OF THE CANNIBAL SKELETON ROBOTS, THE NON-EXISTENT MARTIANS, CHARLOTTE GLASS, THE HEXAGONAL PONY, THE GIANT WALKING CHESSMEN, THE CRUMBS OF THE SOUTH AND PLOVER

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20,000 YEARS BC

NATBOFF

Long long timm go in Lamonic Bibber was cavma days. Bigges cavma was Natboff.

‘ME THROW ROCK AT MITY WOOLY MAMMOF!’ say Natboff. ‘HAHA! WOOLY MAMMOF CRY LIKK BABY! NATBOFF BIG AN STRONG! NATBOFF HARIES FATTES CAVMA OF AL TIMM! NATBOFF BESTT!’

But liff always go rong. Wun day Natboff walkig alonn wen com acros even bigge harier cavma of al timm.

‘HOO YOU?’ say Natboff.

‘ME CHUNKA!’ say even bigge cavma.

‘NATBOFF HATE CHUNKA!’ say Natboff.

‘NATBOFF EAT CHUNKA!’ say Natboff.

Natboff try eat Chunka but Natboff no gud at. Chunka leg to thik for Natboff teeth.

‘HAHA,’ say Chunka. ‘NATBOFF PATHETI! CHUNKA BESST!

‘NATBOFF GOT CAV?’ say Chunka.

‘YEAH,’ say Natboff.

‘NATBOFF GOT WIFE?’ say Chunka.

‘YEAH,’ say Natboff.

‘WAT WIFE NAME?’ say Chunka.

‘WIFE NAME SALLY,’ say Natboff.

‘WEL, THIS CHUNKA LUKKY DAY,’ say Chunka. ‘NOW CHUNKA COM TO NATBOFF CAV AN STEEL NATBOFF WIFE.’

O NO, thinnk Natboff. NATBOFF WISH NATBOFF NO TELL CHUNKA ABOU CAV AN WIFE .

‘HEY CHUNKA,’ say Natboff, crafty stile. ‘YOU KNO JUS NOW WEN NATBOFF TELL YOU ABOU CAV AN WIFE CAL SALLY? NATBOFF WAS ONLEH MAKK JOKKE! THER NO CAV! THER NO SALLY! JUS FUNNEH JOKKE!’

‘TO LATE,’ say Chunka. ‘CHUNKA CAN TEL THEY REAL. CHUNKA COMIG TO CAV TO STEEL WIFE.’

O NO, thinnk Natboff. CHUNKA NOT JUS FAT AN HARY. CHUNKA A CLEVA FELLO INTO THE BARGEN .

Chunka go to Natboff cav an grab up Sally.

‘HEY SALLY,’ say Chunka. ‘ME CHUNKA. ME MUCH BETER AN FATTER AN HARIER THAN NATBOFF. YOU COM WIV CHUNKA NOW.’

‘IT TRUE,’ say Sally. ‘CHUNKA SO BIG AN FAT AN HARY! SALLY NO LOV NATBOFF NO MORE! SALLY LOV CHUNKA NOW! SALLY AN CHUNKA IN LOV!’

‘HA HA,’ say Chunka. ‘CHUNKA DONE IT AGEN!’

Chunka throw roks at Natboff an Sally spit in Natboff har. Then Chunka an Sally run way way off into foress to do baby cavmas.

Natboff ver sad. Natboff do cry.

Wolf com along an lick up Natboff tears fro eyes.

‘WOLF BE NATBOFF FREND?’ say Natboff.

Wolf nod.

‘WOLF BE NATBOFF WIFE?’ say Natboff hopfuly.

Wolf laff an shak hed.

‘BUT WOLF BE NICE TO NATBOFF AT LEEST?’ say Natboff.

Wolf nod.

‘MEBBE THINNGS NOT SO BAD AFTEH AL,’ say Natboff.

But at night Wolf eat Natboff !

Now Natboff in Wolf tummy.

‘THIS WORST DAY OF NATBOFF LIFF,’ say Natboff. ‘WAT NATBOFF DO NOW?’

Natboff com up wiv plan.

NATBOFF WAIT TIL WOLF NEED TOILET IN BUSH, thinnk Natboff. THEN NATBOFF COM OUT OF WOLF AGEN! BETER THAN EVEH!

So Natboff wait al day wile Wolf run round eatig stuf. Lateh on Wolf get belly rumbles.

‘O NO,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF NEED FIND BUSH BEFOR TO LATE.’

HERE ME CHANSE, thinnk Natboff.

Wolf go to bush an push it al out. Out com Natboff, beter than eveh! (But a bit smel.)

‘NEVEH MIN,’ say Natboff to himsel. ‘STIL GUD TO BE OUT OF WOLF AGEN.’

Natboff go up to Wolf.

‘NAUGTY WOLF!’ shou Natboff. ‘YOU SAY YOU NATBOFF FREND! BUT YOU EAT NATBOFF!’

‘SORY,’ say Wolf. ‘ME FORGET.’

‘OK,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT YOU NATBOFF FREND NOW?’

‘DEFINETT,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF AN NATBOFF FREND. WOLF AN NATBOFF DO DISCO TO SELEBRAT.’

So Wolf an Natboff do disco in cav. It fun, but it stil not solv probbem.

‘IT FUN, BUT IT STIL NOT SOLV PROBBEM,’ say Natboff. ‘SALLY STIL WIV CHUNKA. WAT NATBOFF DO NOW?’

‘GO ON INTERNET,’ say Wolf, ‘MEBBE THAT HELP.’

So Natboff go on internet but it cavma days, long long go, an bak then internet jus big rok wiv ‘Google’ carve on. No help at al!

‘INTERNET RUBISH!’ say Natboff. ‘NATBOFF HATE INTERNET!’

Wolf eat internet.

‘NOW WAT NATBOFF DO?’ say Natboff.

‘WOLF GET HELP FROM FRENDS,’ say Wolf.

‘WOLF GOT MITY FRENDS?’ say Natboff.

‘MITIEST EVEH!’ say Wolf prowdly. ‘WOLF GO AN GET MITY FRENDS. THEN CHUNKA GOT NO CHANSE!’

Wolf run out of cav.

Natboff wait.

Natboff wait a bit mor.

Natboff wait ages.

Natboff wait Stone Ages.

Natboff discoveh fire.

Natboff happy!

Natboff set har on fire!

Natboff not so happy.

‘WOLF TAKIG FOREVEH,’ say Natboff.

Natboff starvig.

Natboff eat own burnned har.

‘BURNNED HAR DISGUSSIG,’ say Natboff.

Natboff spit har out everwher.

Natboff try eatig cav.

No gud.

Evencherlee Wolf come bak wiv frends.

‘LOOK AT MITY FRENDS,’ Wolf say prowdly.

‘MITY ANT!

‘MITY SPIDA!

‘MITY LEEF!’

‘FRENDS NOT LOOK SO MITY,’ say Natboff. ‘NATBOFF THURT WOLF’S FRENDS BE MITY BEAR! MITY MAMMOF! MITY SABE-TOOTH TIGGER!’

‘SORY,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF NOT KNO THOSE GUYS. WOLF ONLY KNO MITY ANT! MITY SPIDA! MITY LEEF!’

‘ME CAN DO THIRTY PRES-UPS,’ say Mity Leef.

‘OK,’ say Natboff. ‘IT HAV TO DO. WAT THE PLAN?’

‘CHUNKA LIV IN FORESS WIV SALLY NOW,’ say Mity Spida. ‘SO WE GOT TO GO TO FORESS. THEN WE SNEEK UP ON CHUNKA.’

‘IS GUD START TO PLAN,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT WAT NEX?’

‘MITY ANT JUMP ON CHUNKA LEGG AN LICK HIM,’ say Mity Spida. ‘THEN MITY SPIDA (THAT ME) TIKLE CHUNKA FOOT. THEN WOLF BITE OFF CHUNKA FACE. NATBOFF GET SALLY BACK, EESY PEESY LEMMO SQUEE!’

‘MITY SPIDA GUD AT PLAN!’ say Natboff. ‘MABBE THIS WURK AFTEH AL. BUT WAT ABOU MITY LEEF? EVERWUN ELSE DO STUF IN PLAN BUT MITY LEEF DO NUTHIN.’

‘ME DO PRES-UPS TO DISTRAC CHUNKA,’ say Mity Leef, flexig mussels.

‘IT GUDDEST PLAN OF AL TIMM!’ say Wolf. ‘LET DO DISCO TO SELEBRAT.’

Natboff, Wolf, Mity Ant, Mity Spida an Mity Leef do disco.

Gess hoo besst at disco dancc? Mity Ant.

Mity Ant win disco prize!

‘DISCO FUN,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT NOW IT TIMM FOR PUT PLAN INTO ACSHUN. WICH WAY FORESS?’

Mity Leef step forwar.

‘ME WAS BORN IN FORESS,’ say Mity Leef, ‘SO ME KNO EXAC WHER IT IS. FOLLO LEEF!’

‘NATBOFF HAD DOUTS ABOU MITY LEEF TO BEGIN WIV,’ say Natboff, ‘BUT NOW HE GROWIG ON ME.’

‘HA HA,’ say Mity Ant. ‘NATBOFF MAKK BIG FUNNEH!’

‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf hopfully.

‘MABBE LATEH,’ say Natboff.

AL WOLF WANT TO DO IS DISCO, thinnk Natboff. ME GETTIG PRETY SICK OF WOLF. BUT ME NOT TELL WOLF OUT LOUD BECOS WOLF NATBOFF FREND, AN ME NOT WANT TO HURT WOLF FEELIG .

(Natboff mite be cavma but Natboff a sensitif sort of fello.)

Anyweh. Afteh al this, Natboff an gang set off wiv Mity Leef leedig way. Evencherlee com to foress.

Gess hoo in middel of foress tryig to makk baby cavmas? It Chunka an Sally, jus as Natboff susspecced!

‘YOU GUYS HIDDE IN BUSH,’ say Natboff to anima an plannt chums. ‘NATBOFF GONNA DO IT CRAFTY STILE!’

Natboff step forwar crafty stile to wher Chunka an Sally busy tryig to makk baby cavmas.

‘HEY CHUNKA, HEY SALLY,’ say Natboff.

‘HEY NATBOFF,’ say Chunka. ‘GO AWAY, WE IN THE MIDDEL OF STUF.’

‘NATBOFF NOT COM AL THIS WAY TO BE TALK TO LIKK THAT,’ say Natboff. ‘NATBOFF COM TO GET SALLY BAK.’

‘O YEAH?’ say Chunka. ‘HOW NATBOFF GONNA DO THAT? CHUNKA SO BIG AN HARY, NATBOFF GOT NO CHANSE.’

‘NATBOFF GOT CHUMS,’ say Natboff.

Natboff giv the secre comman.

Imedialy Mity Leef jump out of bush an do pres-ups.

Chunka can harly beleev eyes!

Wile Chunka distracced by Mity Leef, Mity Ant jump out an lick Chunka legg!

Wile Chunka try to cope wiv that, Mity Spida run up an tikle Chunka foot!

‘WAT GOIN ON?’ say Chunka.

Then Wolf jump out an bite off Chunka face!

‘OW!’ say Chunka face from insidde Wolf. ‘OK, OK, CHUNKA GIV IN! NATBOFF WIN.’

‘SALLY TOTALL SORY FOR GO OFF WIV CHUNKA BEFOR,’ say Sally. ‘SALLY TOTALL LOV NATBOFF AGEN NOW. NATBOFF NOT AS FAT AN HARY AS CHUNKA – BUT AT LEES NATBOFF GOT A FACE.’

‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf.

‘DEFINETT!’ say everwun.

Hole gang do disco in foress. Chunka join in wiv disco too, even tho Chunka got no face. It horibel to watch, but gud try from Chunka.

‘CHUNKA NOT SUCH A BAD FELLO AFTEH AL,’ say Natboff.

Lateh on Chunka get steped on by Wooly Mammof.

Natboff an Sally bureh Chunka unerneef bush.

Mity Spida dres up as holy prees an say prayer for Chunka.

Everwun cry.

But liff go on.

Natboff an Sally makk baby cavma an gess wat they cal him?

Chunka!

‘IT IN MEMORY OF BESST CAVMA HOO EVEH LIV,’ say Natboff, an everwun agree.

‘AL IN AL IT BEEN GUD DAY,’ say Mity Leef. ‘WE DONE BRILLIA AVENCHER. PLUS EVERWUN MADD NEW FRENDS!’

‘SALLY TOTALL LOV NATBOFF FOR AL TIMM,’ say Sally.

‘EVERWUN LOV NATBOFF,’ say everwun. (Even Natboff say it! Even baby Chunka say it!)

‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf.

‘BIGGES DEFINETT EVEH!’ say everwun.

ENND

1115 BC

THE MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA

Many hundreds of years ago, when Lamonic Bibber wasn’t even really a town yet, just a few huts and a warlock who lived on Boaster’s Hill turning turnips into balloons, there lived a massive giant. Now, this giant’s name was Gavin and he really was large. His head, right, his head was so big, right, his head was so big that, well, here’s the thing, right, his head was sooooo big that, OK, I hope you’re ready for this, his head was soooooo ENORMOUS, right, that OK, hold on, his head was sooooooooo massive that it was about the size, are you sure you’re ready for this, his head was sooooo vast that – well, to be honest, I don’t really know how big his head was.

But his hands, right, his hands were SO UNBELIEVABLY HUGE, so UNBEARABLY, INCREDIBLY COLOSSAL, right, his hands, his hands yeah, OK, fair enough, I don’t know how big his hands were either. But what about his feet? Oh my goodness! You see, Gavin the giant’s feet – and I do hope you’re sitting down to hear this because it really will blow your mind – well, actually I have no idea how big Gavin the giant’s feet were either.

I tell you what, can we start again? The story of ‘The Massive Giant And The Flea’ is amazing and I want to get it exactly right.

THE MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA

Ages ago, much longer ago than you can remember because you’re only about seven, Lamonic Bibber was just a few huts and also there was a warlock who I might have mentioned before who lived on Boaster’s Hill turning balloons into hats. But the most incredible person in all that land was not just a person but a MASSIVE GIANT and he was called Gavin the giant.

Oh my word, he was enormous! Each one of his eyes was, well, they were just, they were, look, you know what eyes are normally like, don’t you? Of course you do, you’ve seen eyes before. And not only have you seen eyes before, but you’ve actually got eyes, haven’t you? So you’ve seen eyes with your own eyes and you know how big they are, more or less, right? Well, the thing about these eyes of Gavin the giant’s, this is what you have to understand – the thing about his eyes was, OK, look, I’m not going to lie to you, I have no idea how big Gavin the giant’s eyes were, I really haven’t got any idea at all. But I bet you’re curious to know how big his nose was, aren’t you? And if you are, then you’re in for an astonishing treat, because Gavin the giant’s nose, you see, Gavin the giant’s nose was – OK, hold on.

Imagine a normal person’s nose is about the size of an apricot, can you imagine that? Let’s say that most people have a nose the size of an apricot, that’s a good way to start. Now, bearing in mind that a normal person’s nose is about the size of one apricot, one single, delicious apricot that you might find down the greengrocer’s, or growing on a tree, actually do apricots grow on trees? Or more on bushes? I’m not sure, I know that tomatoes grow on these little kind of plants with stalks on, tomatoes are nice, aren’t they?

I like tomatoes.

Anyway, here’s the thing: imagine that a normal person’s nose is about the size of one apricot (or roughly three cherry tomatoes). Now, by comparison, Gavin the giant’s nose was NOT the size of one apricot, it was bigger than that. How much bigger? I don’t know.

Let’s start again.

THE MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA

Way, way back in the distant past, Lamonic Bibber was just a few huts and a warlock who lived on Boaster’s Hill, turning hats into nightingales. Now, I know this is going to surprise some of you but there was a giant who lived in those days, and I bet you can’t guess his name, but it was Gavin.

Now, a lot of people, when they first hear about Gavin the giant, like you are doing now – hearing about Gavin the giant for the first time, I mean – a lot of people immediately want to know all the details. They want to know how big his head was, for example. Or how big his hands were. Or his torso, that’s quite a popular one. Which is fair enough, but I don’t think that’s the most amazing thing about Gavin the giant, and I’m not just saying that because I don’t know the answers to all those other questions. I think the most important thing is how tall he was overall . I mean, at the end of the day, that is what is so impressive about giants, isn’t it? How tall they are overall . So sit back and strap yourselves in and prepare to be amazed as I tell you how tall Gavin the giant truly was.

Right. Let’s say that a normal man is about, I don’t know, about as tall as – let’s just say, for example, that a normal man is about as tall as a fencepost. (I know some men are slightly shorter than a fencepost, and some other men are slightly taller than a fencepost but let’s just say, on average, that one man is about as tall as one fencepost.) So we can write down the following equation:

ONE MAN = ONE FENCEPOST

Now, of course, the question is this: How tall was Gavin the giant? And we can write down this question as the following equation:

GAVIN THE GIANT = ???

So. Given that a normal man is about as tall as a fencepost, and given that we don’t know how tall Gavin the giant was, it is clear that Gavin the giant was quite a mysterious sort of a character. OK, so we – OK, I tell you what, this has all been a bit confusing what with all these equations and things, let’s start again.

THE MASSIVE GIANT AND THE FLEA

Once upon a time there lived a giant called Gavin and one day he saw a flea.

THE END

Bibbering Through The Ages

The Stone Table

The Stone Table that stands on the outskirts of Lamonic Bibber is a mysterious and powerful object of ancient times. Recent tests have revealed that it may be much older than previously thought, perhaps dating as far back as 400 years BC (Before Chairs). Although no one knows exactly what it was used for, it was probably built by the so-called ‘Oakic people’, a group of nature-worshipping weirdies who spent their time dancing around hillsides, dressed as acorns and singing songs about dead badgers. Today the Oakic people have mostly been forgotten, although some of their rites and ceremonies have survived into the modern age, such as the Festival of the Leaves, which still takes place every autumn, and the Eurovision Song Contest, which falls around May. (Thankfully, a number of their other ceremonies, such as the Month of Human Sacrifices, the Other Month of Human Sacrifices, and the notorious ‘Nudey Day’, have died out naturally over time.)

Once Upon a Time . . .

Princess Snowflake and the Gypsy King

Once upon a time, long ago in the Age of Fairy Tales, when the whole wide world was sugar and spice and apples and mice and snow and ice and moonbeams, there lived in Lamonic Bibber a princess called Princess Snowflake. And never was there a name more suited to a person, because for a start she was a princess, so that bit was definitely right. And also she looked a bit like a snowflake, for her face was pale as a December’s morning and her hair as silver as light reflecting off snow. And finally, she was every bit as wild and carefree as a snowflake, so there you have it. Princess Snowflake it was.

Princess Snowflake’s parents had mysteriously disappeared soon after she was born, and so it was that a bunch of kindly old witches had agreed to raise the child as their own. They lived with her in the Winter Palace, which was made entirely of ice. The chambers, the towers, even the door handles – everything was made of ice. The floors were a bit slippery, and it was best to put a blanket on the seat before you went to the toilet, but it was still a palace, so never mind.

On the whole, Princess Snowflake led a carefree life, as I have said. But one day, when she was five years old, one of the kindly old witches took her aside.

‘Child,’ said the witch. ‘I have something important to tell you. You know the Winter Gardens, which lie beyond the palace walls? Well, they are very nice. But take heed, for a dreadful fellow lurks deep within those gardens, waiting to trap the unwary! It is the Gypsy King, and he is strong, with rippling muscles, and he wears hundreds of gold rings on his fingers, and he has proud boots. Beware the Gypsy King, child, beware the Gypsy King!’

But Princess Snowflake only clapped her hands together, one, two, three!

‘Gypsy King?’ she laughed. ‘There’s no such thing as the Gypsy King! I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help!’

And off she ran to explore the gardens, for they were her greatest joy.

When Princess Snowflake was six years old, another of the kindly old witches took her aside.

‘Uh oh,’ said Princess Snowflake, ‘here we go again.’

‘Child,’ said the kindly old witch. ‘You know the Winter Gardens? Well, they are very nice. But from time to time they are visited by one who seeks to harm the unwary! Yes, it is the Gypsy King, and he is strong, with rippling muscles, and he wears hundreds of gold rings on his fingers, and he has proud boots.’

But Princess Snowflake only clapped her hands together, one, two, three!

‘There’s no such thing as the Gypsy King!’ she laughed. ‘I don’t need your help, I don’t need anyone’s help!’

And off she went to raid the kitchens for her favourite cakes – marzipan disobediences. She didn’t like how they tasted, she just liked the name. Princess Snowflake stuffed herself silly with marzipan disobedience cakes, and off she ran to explore the gardens once more.