Tempted By The Single Mum / Heart Surgeon's Second Chance

‘That was amazing,’ he murmured, sifting her hair with his fingers, his smile contented.

She smiled back and lifted her hand to cradle his jaw, the slight graze of stubble prickling her palm.

‘It was. I think I love your surgeon.’

He chuckled, a deep rumble in his chest, and rolled onto his back with a long, drawn-out sigh.

She propped herself up on one elbow and studied his body, stretched out in the moonlight in all its glory. ‘You had an ex-fix on your pelvis,’ she said, tracing the little silver scars on his hipbones with a fingertip.

‘Mmm. I had one on my ankle, as well, until they were able to rebuild it.’

‘Is that why you limp sometimes? Your ankle?’

He nodded. ‘It doesn’t like the cold. I tried an ice bath once just to see what it was like, and it was excruciating. There’s a ton of scaffolding in it, but hey. At least I still have my foot. I nearly didn’t.’

She felt her eyes widen. ‘It was that bad? You really did trash yourself, didn’t you?’

‘Oh, yeah.’ His smile was wry. ‘I don’t think my parents have ever got over it.’

‘Do they know why you did it?’

He nodded again, his smile fading. ‘I don’t remember telling them, but they gave me some pretty fancy drugs in hospital and apparently I blurted it all out and gave them a massive guilt trip. I just thought—I don’t know what I thought. Maybe I’d fall off my bike as it landed and I’d break my arm, or scrape myself on the ground and get a load of bruises. I never in a million years imagined just how badly I’d hurt myself, but as I lay there getting all that attention, there was a moment when I thought it had been worth it.’

‘But not now.’

‘Oh, no. Absolutely not, and the feeling didn’t last long. I was an idiot, and I suppose I got what I deserved, but you know, I was a kid, and my judgement was flawed. We all make mistakes, but most of them don’t hurt that much. Not just me, but everyone, and most particularly Samuel. That was what really hurt me, more than anything else.’

She stared at him, horrified. ‘Did they tell him why you did it?’

‘No. He guessed. He cried when he saw me, and told me I didn’t want to be like him, but while I lay there helpless for weeks I got a taste of what he went through all the time, and it changed me for the better. I suppose in a way it was worth it, just for that, to make me a better person. And there was plenty of room for improvement.’

She felt her eyes prickle for the boy he’d been, so desperate for someone to notice he was struggling, too kind to say so until it all got too much. She lay down again beside him, wrapping her arm around his waist, his arm around her shoulders as she laid her head on his chest and listened to the slow, steady beat of his heart. She felt the touch of his lips on her hair, the warm drift of his breath against her cheek.

‘I’m OK, Ellie. Truly. It was more than half my life ago. I’ve made my peace with it and it’s over now.’

Was it? Was it really? She wasn’t sure. She tilted her head back and tried to read his eyes, but the moon had gone behind a thin wisp of cloud and she couldn’t see him clearly any more.

He kissed her briefly, then pulled away and swung his legs over the side of the bed. ‘I need to take Rufus out for a minute and then settle him in his bed. Mind your eyes,’ he murmured, and reached out and turned on the bedside lamp and started to pull on his clothes.

She watched him, seeing the scars now in the lamp light, his left leg a mishmash of fine lines, the ankle slightly thicker.

At least I’ve still got my foot.

‘Are you taking him for a walk?’

‘Yes. Not far, just out onto the lane and down to the top of the steps so he can have a bit of a sniff around before he goes to bed. I won’t be long.’

‘I should go home,’ she said, not really wanting to but not wanting to outstay her welcome.

He turned back to her. ‘Really?’

She shrugged. ‘I haven’t got my toothbrush,’ she said, which sounded pathetic as it came out of her mouth, but it was the only thing she could come up with, and he gave a soft huff of laughter and sat back down on the edge of the bed, dropping a kiss on her lips.

‘I’m sure we can get round that. Please stay.’

It was the ‘please’ that did it, that and the look in his eyes which told her clearly that he meant it.

‘OK,’ she said softly, and he kissed her again.

‘Keep the bed warm for me,’ he said, and went out, leaving the door open.

She heard him walking briskly down the corridor, calling Rufus, heard the jingle of his collar and the sound of the front door closing, and she slipped out of bed to investigate the bathroom.

Did she have time for a shower before he got back? Maybe. She turned on the shower, stepped into the stream of hot water and reached for the shower gel. It smelt of him, the smell that had tantalised her all week, and as she smoothed it over her body she felt the caress of his hands, the touch of his mouth, the warmth of his arms around her.

Fantasy was a wonderful thing.

He heard water running, and settling Rufus with a biscuit he went back to his bedroom, closing the door in case the dog got any ideas.

She was in the shower, and he stripped off his clothes and went into the bathroom to join her.

‘That seems like a good idea,’ he said, sliding his arms around her from behind.

‘Oh! You made me jump,’ she said, turning and smiling up at him, and he smoothed the damp hair away from her face and found her mouth with his.

‘Sorry,’ he murmured. ‘I just couldn’t resist it.’

‘You’re too late, I’m done,’ she said sadly, and he smiled.

‘That’s a shame, but I’m not,’ he told her, then held his arms out to the side, his smile mischievous. ‘Well, go on, then. You know you want to.’

So she did. She explored every inch of his body with soapy hands, driving him crazy with every touch and leaving the best till last. Her hand closed around him and he shut his eyes, his breath hissing out as she stroked him firmly but annoyingly slowly.

‘You’re killing me.’

‘Mmm. Maybe it’s time to move this somewhere more comfortable,’ she said, and reached for a towel, leaving him to rinse.

He wasn’t far behind her...

She went home after breakfast, but only long enough to do some laundry and tidy up a bit, and then she went back to his house with a change of clothes and her toothbrush, and they spent the weekend doing nothing.

Well, not nothing. They walked Rufus along the beach and had lunch in the Harbour Inn down by the river, and then went back to his house and made love lazily all afternoon until, as he put it, she’d checked out all his scars and satisfied herself that everything worked. And then checked again...

He threw together a tasty pasta dish for supper, and they ate it on their knees in front of the television, then walked Rufus again before going back to bed, and the next day they got in the car and drove to Dunwich Heath and took Rufus for a longer walk with lots of things to sniff, then had lunch in the café and got back in the car to drive back to Yoxburgh.

Back to reality, she thought, and realised that for the first time ever, she hadn’t thought about the children all day, and that made her feel sick with guilt.

She was quiet in the car, a little unresponsive, the light-hearted banter of their weekend suddenly absent.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked, when she’d been silent for a while.

She shrugged. ‘Nothing.’

‘Yeah, there is. Come on, talk to me. Don’t bottle things up. We need to be honest with each other, Ellie. If my stupidity taught me nothing else, it taught me that.’

She shrugged again. ‘I just feel guilty.’

‘Because of David? Tell me not, please.’

She stared at him for a second as if he was mad, and shook her head with a quiet laugh. ‘No. Absolutely not because of David. I have no guilt where he’s concerned.’

‘Good.’ He searched her eyes for a moment, then he slowed the car and pulled over to the side of the road in a little layby on the edge of some woods and cut the engine, undoing his seat belt and shifting so he was facing her.

‘What happened, Ellie? Why did he leave you when you were pregnant?’

She sighed and looked away, staring blankly out of the windscreen. He had no idea what she was seeing in her head, but it didn’t seem to be making her very happy.

‘He didn’t believe the baby was his,’ she said softly after a pause so long he wondered if it would ever end. ‘He was away a lot—an awful lot, and he came back after being gone for nearly three months and of course as usual the first thing he wanted was to go to bed, but we didn’t have any condoms, and I wasn’t using oral contraception because I was still breastfeeding Oscar, so I said no, and he said it was fine anyway, while he’d been away he’d had the vasectomy he’d been talking about so I couldn’t get pregnant.’

‘But you did.’

She nodded. ‘Yes. I did. And when he came back six weeks later I’d done a test because I’d missed a period and it was positive, so I told him we were having another baby and he said it couldn’t possibly be his.’

He frowned, because it didn’t add up. ‘But—surely he’d been tested? Didn’t it occur to him to go back to the clinic and get them to check their results?’

‘There were no results,’ she said flat, her voice oddly flat. ‘He hadn’t been back for the tests—too busy, apparently. But he still didn’t believe it could be his, because they’d told him he’d be fine. Or so he said. So he told me he wanted me to have a termination, and I refused. I hadn’t really wanted him to have a vasectomy anyway, but he didn’t want any more children, and he said he certainly didn’t want someone else’s. I said he could hardly blame me if I had found someone else, as he left me alone so much. So he walked out.’

‘That’s what happened with me and Rachel. I was never there, so she found someone who was. It’s not unheard of.’

She shrugged. ‘I know, but I didn’t do that. Anyway, he took it as an admission of guilt and walked out. His parting shot was that he said he wasn’t supporting another man’s child. Then I got his mother on the phone, begging me to get a DNA test to prove the child’s paternity, and I refused, because I knew perfectly well who the father was, so he divorced me on grounds of adultery.’

‘And you didn’t contest it?’

‘I couldn’t be bothered, and anyway life was easier without him. So he divorced me, put the house in my name and he pays me maintenance, and when Evie was born she was the spitting image of the other two, of course. None of them look like me, so they’re either all his or none of them are, but he wouldn’t hear it.’

‘Couldn’t he see the resemblance?’ he asked, deciding the man was an idiot and hoping he never got to meet him, and she turned and gave him a tired smile.

‘Probably, but I think pride got in his way. Anyway, his mother had the test done without telling me, which made me furious, but of course then he had proof that he was wrong, and he wanted to come back.’

‘And you said no.’

‘I did. He didn’t trust me at the time, he didn’t believe me, he accused me of committing adultery and he’s never apologised because that would mean he’d have to admit he was in the wrong, and he’ll never do that. He says I misled him, implied I’d had an affair, which I hadn’t, I’d just said that he could hardly blame me if I had. Anyway, he now accepts Evie’s his, and he has all of them at the weekends, and he does his best to be a good father but we don’t always agree on how he does that.’

‘Does he spoil them?’

‘Always. They have what they want, which isn’t good for them, but hey. He has them, he maintains contact, and they need that so I just deal with the fallout and mitigate it where I can.’

‘What about his parents? What do they think?’

‘Oh, they’re furious with him for walking away from his family without establishing the facts, but they support him and they’ve always known Evie’s his. Liz just wanted to prove it to him, which she’s done, and although I was cross it was probably the right thing to do and at least he now acknowledges her.’

He nodded slowly. ‘OK, so that’s David out of the way, so why are you feeling guilty? Why now, today? Because of us?’

She shrugged again, her shoulders shifting a fraction in defeat. ‘Because of us doing this. Having fun. I haven’t thought about them once all day, Nick. What kind of a mother does that make me?’

‘A perfectly normal one. Your children are safe, you know that. You’re just having me time, and you’re entitled to do that, surely?’

‘It just seems wrong.’

‘Why? You have a right to be you.’

‘But I’m not being me. Me is the mother of three children, not...’

‘Not the warm, generous, vibrant woman who’s spent the last two nights in my bed making love with me? Making me laugh, making me smile? You can be both, Ellie. Sure, you’re a mother, but you’re also a woman, and you’re entitled to feelings that don’t revolve around your children. Time to be yourself, to do the other things that make you who you are. We can still do that.’

She shook her head. ‘How? I have every other weekend, that’s all, at best, and sometimes not even that. My time without them is so short, but I don’t really want them to form a relationship with you, because when it goes wrong they’ll be hurt and I don’t want that for them, and anyway that’s not what this is about, and it’s not like they need a father figure, so that cuts out any other time.’

‘So we’ll have every other weekend when we can, and we’ll make it special, and that’s fine. It’s fine with me, at least. I’m not a hormonal teenager, Ellie. I can do deferred gratification without getting all stroppy and demanding. It’s about quality, not quantity. I’m not going to behave like a spoilt brat if I don’t get to see you one weekend, either.’

Unlike David, who’d apparently wanted every second of her attention every time he’d seen fit to come back into her life for a few days before jetting off back to his real world. He didn’t say that, though, just left her to fill in the gaps.

‘I know you’re not like that, but you deserve more,’ she said, her voice oddly choked all of a sudden, but he shook his head.

‘I don’t want more than that, Ellie. I don’t need you twenty-four seven. And wonderful though I’m sure they are, I don’t need to be part of your children’s lives. They’ve got a father, as you’ve pointed out, and I’ve done standing in for the real father with my own sisters and it didn’t go well. Really, I’m fine with it. It suits me. I’m pretty self-sufficient. I don’t mind being alone. I like it. It makes a refreshing change after a lifetime of caring, believe me.’

She turned her head and searched his face, and he held her eyes and smiled.

‘Are you sure?’ she asked, and he nodded.

‘Yes, Ellie. I’m sure. We’ll get together when we can, and it’ll be fine.’

‘But—what if it’s not enough?’

‘It will be.’

‘But what if it’s not? What if we want more?’

‘Then we’ll cross that bridge if we get to it,’ he said, and leant over and cupped her chin in his hand and kissed her gently. ‘Don’t worry, Ellie. We’ll make it work. Maybe not always, but as often as we can.’

‘Are you sure? Sometimes he’s away for four or five weeks at a time.’

He smiled and kissed her again. ‘Then we’ll have to find another way. And anyhow, we’ll see each other every day at work.’

‘Three days. I only work three days.’

‘Even so. Don’t worry, Ellie. It’ll be fine.’

He gave her a reassuring smile, restarted the engine and drove back to his house.

‘Tea?’

She shook her head. ‘No, Nick, I need to go home. I’m not sure what time Liz will bring them back. It varies between four thirty and well after their bedtime, and they never tell me. I think he must imagine I hang myself up on a hook in the hall cupboard and wait for them to come home.’

He chuckled and drew her into his arms. ‘Go on, then. You go home to your hook, and I’ll see you in the morning. I’ll walk so you can have the parking place, just in case they’re on the drag tomorrow. I think the forecast is rain anyway and you don’t all need to get drenched.’

‘You’re such a star,’ she said, looking up into his eyes, and they creased with his smile.

‘I aim to please,’ he murmured, and kissed her lingeringly, then lifted his head and stared down at her. ‘Go home, Ellie, before I cart you off to bed and make you late.’

Oh, she was so tempted to let him. ‘I wish,’ she said with a tired huff of laughter, and then she laid her palm against his cheek. ‘Thank you, Nick—for everything. It’s been such a lovely weekend. I don’t remember when I last laughed so much.’

His smile touched her heart. ‘No. Nor do I. It’s been amazing.’ He kissed her again, and let her go with a reluctant smile. ‘Go on, go home. I’ll call you later.’

‘Don’t call. Text me, just in case they’re late. I might be putting them to bed still.’

He nodded, and she picked up the bag with her change of clothes in it and made her way home, the warmth of his smile wrapped around her heart.

‘Mummy, Mummy, look what Daddy got us!’

She frowned at the two tablets in their childproof, supposedly indestructible cases, and met Liz’s eyes over their heads.

‘I thought we had an agreement about this stuff?’ she said under her breath, trying to keep a lid on her frustration. ‘They’re too young for electronic devices, David knows that. It’s not good for their developmental skills. If he wants to entertain them, he needs to try talking to them.’

‘But you know what they’re like, Ellie. All Maisie talks about is unicorns and mermaids, and Oscar just wants to run about pretending to be an aeroplane. He doesn’t know where to start.’

‘So get him to talk about unicorns and aeroplanes! Or take them to the park, or soft play or something, instead of buying them expensive electronic babysitters so he can spend the whole weekend on his phone checking on his investments!’

‘He doesn’t do that,’ Liz protested weakly, but she knew better and said so.

‘I lived with him for five years, Liz. I know what he’s like.’ She shifted the sleepy baby to her other hip and eyed her mother-in-law steadily over Evie’s head. ‘What did he get Evie?’

She looked awkward. ‘He didn’t. Even he agrees she’s too young for a tablet. And I did ask, Ellie, but he’s not easy to reason with and he doesn’t really understand babies.’

She stifled a growl of anger and called the children. ‘Come and say goodbye to Grandma, please. And say thank you for your presents and having you for the weekend.’

It took a minute more before she could close the door behind her and let out the sigh of frustration. There was a scream locked up behind it, but she kept that under control and took them into the sitting room and put Evie down on the floor with a box of her toys.

‘Mummy, I can’t do this unicorn game!’ Maisie wailed, but the wail only increased when she took the machines away from her and Oscar and told them they’d be rationed to half an hour a day maximum, and only at the weekends.

She asked them what they’d done with their father, and from what she could glean it was not a lot apart from the wretched electronic devices, which he’d known she didn’t want them to have. By the time she got them all to sleep that night it was almost ten o’clock, and she was exhausted and even crosser, if that was possible.

She was sitting down with a coffee wondering how the judge might react if she killed him when she heard the message tone on her phone.

Nick, as promised.

How are things?

She snorted softly and wrote, He got them tablets. Not pharma, obvs. I might have to kill him.

Oh, dear. Best not. Not great for your career... Want to talk?

She rang him, and just the sound of his voice was enough to calm her fury.

‘Why did he do it?’ she asked, frustrated. ‘He knows what I think. We’ve had this conversation several times. He just ignores me and goes over my head.’

‘So take them away and tell them they can only have them when they’re with him. Simple.’

That made her laugh. ‘I can tell you haven’t met my children,’ she said. ‘And anyway, that’s not the worst of it. The thing I’m most angry about is that he didn’t get Evie anything at all. It’s like she doesn’t exist.’

‘How old is she?’

‘Fifteen months—and I know she doesn’t know what she’s missing, but it won’t be long. She’s his, too, for heaven’s sake, and he knows that now. Why can’t he treat them equally? I just wish...’

‘What? That he was a reasonable human being? That you were a better judge of character? Don’t go there. I’ve been through all of this with Rachel, all the “what ifs”, and if you let it, it’ll eat you alive. Deal with the tablets, ration the screen time, put up with the protests. They’ll get over it, although it’ll probably take a while. And buy something nice for Evie.’

She could hear the smile in his voice, and the sympathy, and she sighed and settled back against the sofa.

‘You’re such a reasonable human being.’

‘I wasn’t always. Maybe he just needs to learn the hard way, whatever that is.’

‘If only. I’m sorry, it’s not fair of me to unload on you, especially after such a lovely weekend,’ she said wistfully. ‘Thank you so much for going to so much trouble for me. It was like living out a fantasy. Just idyllic.’

‘Hey,’ he murmured, his voice soft. ‘Don’t sound so sad. We can do it again in two weeks. And anyway, it was no trouble, I seem to remember I wasn’t exactly left out of the fun.’

‘I just wish it wasn’t over. Don’t get me wrong, I love my babies to bits, but it was just so nice to be the other me for a while.’

‘I know. So what are you doing now?’ he asked.

‘Lying on the sofa, drinking coffee.’

‘Decaf?’

She smiled wearily. ‘Don’t worry, it won’t keep me awake. For some reason I don’t seem to have had very much sleep this weekend.’

‘I wonder why that could be?’ he asked, and she could picture his lazy, sexy smile.

‘I can’t imagine,’ she murmured back, and then yawned hugely. ‘Oh, sorry, I really am pooped. I need to go to bed.’

‘Me, too. Rufus is out for the count. I think that walk at Dunwich was a bit long for him. It was lovely, though. We ought to do it again when the heather’s out.’

‘We should.’

She yawned again, and he laughed and said goodnight and she put her phone on charge and headed up to bed, still frustrated about the tablets but wrapped around now by the sound of Nick’s voice and the warmth of his smile.

And in two weeks’ time, they could do it all over again...

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