An Orphan’s War

Until tomorrow, then.

Yours,

E

Maxine frowned and read it through a second time. What did he mean by calling her ‘Girl’, and signing off ‘E’? Was that his way of being discreet? It sounded so impersonal. And yet the sentiment was there, staring her in the face. He wanted to see her again. He thought she was lovely. He was just very different from Johnny – that was all.

With a flutter of anticipation, she folded the letter and slipped it into its envelope and back into her pocket.

Edwin arrived on her ward the next morning and didn’t show by even a flicker of an eyelash that he had a personal interest in her. She played along with it to perfection. But when they had less than a minute alone as he was frowning at one of the patient’s medical sheets, and the two other nurses and Sister were at the other end of the ward, Edwin muttered, ‘So when are you free, Nurse?’

‘The day after tomorrow,’ she answered, pretending to tuck in a corner of Sidney Johnson’s bed. ‘I’m off in the afternoon. From two o’clock.’

‘Good. That will be all, Nurse.’ He lowered his voice. ‘Meet you at the same place at half-past two. Be prepared for anything.’

‘Thank you, Mr Blake.’ She wanted to giggle. He was such a respectable man, and there he was, making a date with her right under Sister’s nose.

They did as his note suggested and meandered through Archbishop’s Park. Even though it was right on the doorstep of St Thomas’, Maxine had had little chance to enjoy it, except for an occasional sandwich at lunchtime with Anna.

‘I wanted to take you to see a play, but I’m afraid they’ve already started. Half past two is pretty much the time for most of the matinées.’

‘It doesn’t matter at all,’ Maxine said, taking his proffered arm. ‘We’re inside a stuffy building for too many hours, so it’s wonderful to be out in the air. Most of the flowers are coming to the end, but I can still smell the last of the roses.’ She breathed in deeply. ‘Mmm … lovely. And just walking amongst the trees. We’re so lucky in London to have so many parks.’ She glanced up at the sky. ‘Only the barrage balloons remind us there’s a war on.’

He looked down at her, his eyes searching hers. ‘If there wasn’t any war, would you be happy right this minute?’

‘I’m enjoying this,’ she said, seriously. ‘But I’m not sure what being happy feels like anymore.’

He tucked her arm in his a little tighter. ‘You’re not on duty this evening, are you?’

‘No. No, I’m not.’ Why did she feel uncomfortable all of a sudden? Was it that he seemed to know her schedule despite her only finding out about the alteration herself that morning?

‘Because we can go and see a film if you like. Or a play. I haven’t booked anything because I wasn’t sure. We could get a bite to eat first, or afterwards – whichever you prefer. What would you really like to do?’

‘I’d love to see The Dancing Years,’ Maxine said tentatively.

‘That’s Ivor Novello.’

‘Yes. I heard a programme about it on the wireless and made a note of it. It’s on at the Windmill Theatre.’

‘You can’t go wrong with Novello.’ He patted her arm. ‘Look, why don’t we have some refreshment and then see if we can book tickets.’

‘Weren’t we lucky to get such good seats?’ Maxine said as they found their row just as the orchestra started up.

Edwin smiled and took her hand. She was conscious of his warm fingers linking with hers, stopping her from completely losing herself in the romance of the musical. She tried. How she tried to concentrate, but it was impossible. She wanted him to kiss her again. Hold her. She didn’t dare look at him in case he guessed her thoughts. Think her fast. She stared ahead, hardly blinking, hoping he wasn’t aware of her turmoil.

He began to caress her fingers, one by one. A shiver ran through her body. She tried to think of Johnny. Keep loyal to him. But his face faded in and out of her vision and it couldn’t take the place of this living, breathing man next to her, so close their shoulders were touching.

Her breathing became rapid and she forced herself to draw in a long, deep breath through her nose to steady her pulse. He must have heard the intake as he shot her a look as though to ask her a question.

The music came to a close. To her relief, the curtain fell down.

‘Thank goodness it’s the interval,’ Edwin said. ‘The space doesn’t accommodate my legs at all. I’ve got cramp in one of them.’ He rubbed his calf, then got up. ‘We’ll go and get a drink. Stretch our legs.’

She was thankful. The physical closeness of him was too dangerous. She needed to distance herself. She followed him out of the auditorium and into the bar downstairs.

The bar was jammed from end to end, but Edwin was half a head taller than most other men and Maxine noticed the blonde behind the bar served him sooner than she should.

‘There wasn’t any chance to ask you what you would like to drink,’ he said, carrying two glasses of wine and pushing his way through to where the crowd had thinned, ‘so I hope this is acceptable. Don’t suppose you’ve seen a table?’

‘No. I don’t know how everyone got here so quickly,’ Maxine said, looking round. People were lighting up cigarettes, and passing chocolates, pouring champagne and laughing at something that had been said. They all seemed to belong. Maxine looked away abruptly.

‘We’ll lean against the windowsill, if you can manage.’ Edwin placed the glasses on the sill and glanced at her. ‘Are you sure you’re all right, Maxine? You look a little flushed.’

‘I’m fine.’ She gave him a wide smile. ‘Isn’t the show wonderful? Such lovely music. Almost makes me want to dance.’

Why, oh why had she said that? As though she was trying to hint where she’d like to go on their next date. Well, there wasn’t going to be another date. She was acting like a star-struck girl and she didn’t like herself one bit. But she’d made a decision. She wasn’t going to put herself through all that emotion she’d felt sitting there beside him in the theatre. He’d laugh his head off if he had an inkling of her muddled mind. She’d feign a headache or something. Ask him to take her back to the hospital. But it was too late. The bell rang for everyone to finish their drinks and take their seats in the auditorium again.

‘Drink up, sweetheart. We don’t want to disturb everyone by being late.’

There was half a glass of wine left. She tipped it back and swallowed it without stopping.

‘Don’t want to waste it,’ she told him, a little shame-faced. She clutched on to his arm and he laughed as she lost her balance. He put an arm firmly around her waist and led her back to their waiting seats.

She didn’t remember one thing of the second half of The Dancing Years.

The rest of the evening seemed to melt away and they were on their way back to the hospital. Edwin was unusually quiet in the taxi, just holding her hand tightly as though he never wanted to release it.

Maxine’s mind was in tumult. She hadn’t even liked the man when she’d first met him; now she couldn’t stop the rush of feeling every time she looked at him. She mustn’t let him know. He would think her a foolish little girl. After all, that’s what he had called her – Girl. But she wasn’t a girl. She’d been married to her dearest friend. She knew how it felt to be married. The intimacy. And she’d missed it more than she’d realised.

Once or twice she caught Edwin glancing at her in the taxi but she forced herself not to turn her head. He instructed the driver to drop them off in the same street as last time. He was protecting her reputation as much as his own – but she hated the subterfuge. It spoilt the ending to what she could only describe as a romantic day fuelled by her longing. But now she would go down to the basement and he would go to his quarters, wherever they were.

As soon as the taxi had moved off, Edwin reached to take her in his arms and laid his cheek against hers. Then his lips sent kisses down her neck, thrilling her. His fingers undid the buttons of her jacket. His hand cupped her breast over her blouse. Then his fingers found bare skin. He began to stroke her and she moaned.

‘Maxine. Oh, Maxine, you dear girl. I want you so much. Do you want me too?’

She couldn’t fathom the expression in his eyes.

‘I think I’m falling in love with you.’ His voice was husky.

‘It’s too soon,’ she whispered.

‘Not for me, it isn’t. I think I fell in love with you when you put me in my place that first day.’

She caught a flash of his gleaming white teeth as he smiled.

‘I don’t want you to leave just yet. What say we have a nightcap in my room?’

She had no idea what a nightcap was but imagined it was a drink of some kind.

‘A cup of cocoa would be nice.’

He threw his head back with a roar of laughter. ‘Then it’s cocoa you shall have. But we must go separately. I’m in that far wing … the one still standing,’ he added with a grimace as he pointed. ‘I’ll leave the door open for you. Then go up the stairs and mine is the second door on the left. Follow me after two minutes.’

She felt awkward as soon as she glimpsed the double bed through the open door from a small sitting room. Trying not to be caught staring, she looked around. It was as neat and spotless as Edwin himself.

‘Take your jacket off,’ he said, slipping off his own and draping it over the back of one of the chairs.

‘Edwin, I—’

But she was already in his arms. His lips were on hers.

Then without speaking, and before she could protest, he picked her up as though she were as light as a ballet dancer and carried her into the bedroom.

‘Get under the sheets,’ he murmured.

She obeyed.

It hurt. She was so tense it hurt terribly. She called out for him to stop, but he didn’t seem to hear. Tears poured down her cheeks. This wasn’t how it was meant to be.

He finished and fell onto his side, smiling at her. Then his smile faded.

‘What’s the matter, darling girl? Did I hurt you?’

She nodded, desperately embarrassed.

‘I’m so sorry. Forgot to warn you I’m a big bloke. It won’t be so painful next time, I promise. In the end you’ll accommodate it more easily … speaking as your surgeon.’ He grinned. ‘I want you to enjoy it as much as I did.’ He kissed her bare shoulder. ‘Did you enjoy it just a little?’

‘Yes,’ she whispered, but it wasn’t really the truth.

She felt ashamed that she hadn’t been able to give more of herself, but the pain had been very real. She thought how very inexperienced she must seem to him. But she’d been married, for goodness’ sake. She ought to know what to expect. Then, without warning, she heard Johnny’s voice in her head after she’d accepted his proposal.

‘Even though there’s no doubt we’ll soon be at war with Germany, we’ll save ourselves until we’re married. I respect you too much to make love to you before the wedding, Max, darling.’

But Edwin hadn’t waited. And she hadn’t stopped him. She wasn’t certain the feelings she had for him were love – not yet anyway. And Edwin? Was he genuine? Or was she just a war-time diversion? She cringed at the thought, and as though Edwin had read her mind, he held her close, whispering how much he adored her. She breathed out a happy sigh. He did care for her after all.

Chapter Ten

A fortnight flashed by. Maxine and Edwin had managed to snatch a couple of hours together here and there, mostly for an occasional meal. She felt she was beginning to get to know him, but his next proposal took her by surprise. He insisted upon giving her some money to buy an evening dress and a pair of shoes.

‘You always look beautiful to me – you know that – but you’ll feel a million dollars in a new dress. And I have somewhere really special I want to take you.’

‘Nowhere can be more special than the Ritz.’ Maxine smiled.

‘Hmm. It’s not the only special place,’ he said, counting out some pounds from a bundle of notes. ‘Here … this should do it.’ He pushed the money into her reluctant hands. ‘Some of the stores in Oxford Street were badly damaged last year in the Blitz, but Marshall & Snelgrove escaped much of it, so I’m told.’ He closed her fingers over the notes. ‘Try them first.’

‘Are you absolutely sure?’ She looked up at him, her eyes anxious.

‘Absolutely, poppet. Go and enjoy yourself. And have lunch out. Take a girlfriend.’

But in the end she went on her own. Somehow she didn’t feel like explaining to any of the others how she had come by all this extra money. She might have told Anna, but there was no one else she would confide in. But did that mean she was doing something she wasn’t proud of? She didn’t want anyone to think she was after his money. But it might look just like that to them. Surely it was natural that Edwin wanted her to look nice. And she wanted to look nice for him. Was that so terrible?

She shrugged and tried to put the question out of her mind, but she couldn’t shake off the edge of guilt she felt that Johnny wouldn’t have approved at all.

She had to admit it was heaven to have a whole day off to herself, wandering around the shops, knowing if she saw something she liked she’d be able to buy it – within reason, of course.

She settled on a dress the colour of a shimmering turquoise sea she’d once seen in a holiday brochure. Immediately as she put it on her skin glowed, the colour of her eyes took on almost the same turquoise, and her hair glinted like gold under the lights. Although it was strapless she knew she could make it more of a versatile outfit with the little short jacket she’d made for her wedding dress. She smiled at herself in the mirror, and almost to her surprise, the attractive young woman smiled back.

She was sure Edwin would love the sea dress as much as she did.

Now to the shoe department. She was alarmed to see that many of them cost as much as her dress. Her eyes fell on a pair of dark green suede shoes with a bow on the front and a black patent heel. She turned the shoe over. Three pounds nineteen and eleven. Nearly four pounds. That would make it twelve pounds eight shillings out of the fifteen pounds he’d given her. She tried them on.

‘They fit you like a glove, don’t they, Madam?’

‘I can’t feel them at all.’ Maxine smiled up at the young girl.

‘This make is very high quality,’ the girl said. ‘I think you’ll enjoy wearing them and I’m sure you’ll have a lot of compliments. They’re very special.’

Maxine couldn’t refuse.

The girl put them in a shoebox lined with tissue paper and tucked it into Maxine’s carrier bag.

There was enough money over to buy a pair of cami-knickers and a pretty brassière. It was no good wearing a beautiful dress if she only had tired undergarments beneath. She couldn’t wait to show Edwin her purchases.

She was too excited to sit for a proper lunch, as he had suggested, but she had a cup of tea and a fruit scone in the store’s café, all the while thinking of him. Why had he singled her out? An eminent surgeon, he could have anyone he wanted. What was it about her that he liked so much? He was a bit serious compared with Johnny (though she knew she mustn’t compare the two men), but she supposed he’d have to be with his kind of responsibility. He must feel so satisfied at the end of each day saving lives. She wished she could do more herself.

Was she falling in love with him? She couldn’t help a wry smile. She was running ahead. It was far too soon to be posing such a question.

Yesterday’s treat on her shopping day seemed an age ago when Maxine was plunged into a nightmare at the hospital. Eleven people, four from the same family, had been brought in during the night, wounded from a bomb which had exploded in one of the streets uncomfortably close to St Thomas’.

‘Did anyone die?’ she asked Staff Nurse, dreading the answer.

‘Three.’ Staff Nurse Williams’ tone was abrupt as she glanced towards the door. One of the orderlies was pushing a man in a wheelchair. The patient’s hair and face was thickly coated with dust, and he was muttering obscenities under his breath.

‘Calm down, Sir,’ the orderly said, not unkindly. ‘You’re safe now. We’ll soon get you put right.’ He helped him out of the chair and managed to get him into bed, with more curses emanating from the patient’s mouth.

Maxine’s heart went out to the poor man.

‘I’d like you to give him some special attention while you’re on duty,’ Staff Nurse Williams said. ‘You’ll be able to keep a strict eye on his daily improvement … or not.’ She left her to it.

Maxine helped one of the nurses to get him undressed and into the bed. The man groaned as the nurse knocked his leg by mistake.

‘I’m so sorry, Mr—’

He looked up, a faint expression of surprise on his face. ‘Bill … Bill … oh, God, I can’t remember my name.’ He tapped the side of his head.

‘Mr Chorley?’ Maxine broke in, reading from his notes.

‘Yes, yes, that’s it … Chorley.’

He looked relieved that he had a full name, but Maxine wasn’t convinced. She was sure he’d clung onto ‘Chorley’ without any real conviction. It looked like she had plenty of work to do with Bill Chorley, but she was glad. She needed to keep busy. Keep her mind off Edwin. And their next time together. She hugged herself at the thought that there would definitely be a next time.

Bill Chorley was a difficult patient, right from the start. But it didn’t bother Maxine one bit. She took him his noon meal on his second day.

‘What’s this muck?’ He looked up at her as she placed the tray on his bedside table and helped him into a seating position. When she didn’t respond, he banged his spoon down on the plate like a toddler having a temper tantrum.

She refused to rise to his bait.

‘You seem very pally with our charming Mr Blake,’ he remarked.

Oh, why did she always have to blush whenever Edwin was mentioned or when he came into the ward?

‘Yes, I thought so,’ he chuckled. ‘You’ve got “guilt” written all over that pretty face of yours.’

‘You need to concentrate on getting well, Mr Chorley,’ Maxine said, frowning at him, ‘and not concerning yourself with the latest gossip.’

‘Oh, I don’t think it’s gossip,’ Chorley said annoyingly. ‘I watch things. You and Blake are having an affair – it’s bloody obvious.’

‘Don’t be ridiculous.’ Her blush deepened.

‘Then why are you turning so red?’ he asked, a grin spreading over his face. ‘And by the way, you can call me Bill. I’m not at all sure I recognise the name of Chorley anyway.’

‘When you come up with one you do recognise, then let me know,’ she quipped, trying to change the subject.

‘He’s not good enough for you,’ Bill said, out of the blue.

She gave a start. ‘I’m not prepared to discuss it.’

‘Just wanted to warn you, Nurse. I don’t trust him. His eyes are cold. They give nothing away. I’ve seen his type before.’

‘You don’t know him. I thought he was a bit abrupt when I first met him, but he mellows when he’s out of the hospital.’

‘So I’m right. You are going out with him.’ He gave a triumphant smile.

Blast. She should never have admitted to anyone, let alone a patient, that she was seeing Edwin outside the hospital.

‘Please hush, Bill,’ Maxine said, desperate to change the subject. ‘How’s your dinner?’

‘Give me a chance.’ He cut up a piece of meat and looked at it before he put the fork in his mouth. ‘Bloody hell, that’s tough.’ His jaw went up and down and side to side in such a comical fashion she couldn’t help smiling, until he spoke once more. ‘Be warned, that’s all.’

Chapter Eleven

‘We’re going to a dance,’ Edwin managed to say in an undertone to Maxine when she was in the sluice, washing the bedpans. A horrible job which brought back memories of her first year at the Infirmary, but it had to be done.

Maxine had never learned to dance properly and awkward male partners hadn’t helped, but looking at Edwin she was sure he’d be a good dancer.

‘I’ve looked up when your next day off is, and managed to change mine to coincide,’ Edwin went on. ‘We should go the evening before and then we can spend all day together the next day.’ He looked at her. ‘Would you like that?’

‘It sounds lovely, but—’

‘I’m going to book a hotel for the night so we can relax and not have all eyes on us as we do at the hospital. I don’t want to let you out of my sight for a moment, so pack a small overnight bag.’

Her heart gave a little flip. Making love that first time had been in the heat of the moment, but this time she knew it was his plan. Was she ready for such a leap?

‘And you can wear your new dress,’ he added.

‘Where are we going?’ Maxine asked as they approached Covent Garden, her hand feeling more familiar in the crook of his arm. How nice it was to have a boyfriend she could be affectionate with. Something she’d missed terribly since Johnny died. Thinking of Johnny she felt a twinge of guilt. But she couldn’t go on forever without enjoying another man’s company. Surely Johnny wouldn’t want her to. She glanced up and caught Edwin’s eye and he smiled. She smiled back.

To have an evening and a full day ahead of them was almost unheard of since the war started. Edwin had obviously organised it, but how, without raising suspicion? She was truly grateful; however, it had come about after another harrowing week. And Edwin would have had the same exhausting week given the wave of new patients who’d been admitted, nearly all requiring surgery.

This time on their own would be a good opportunity to get to know one another better. She gave his arm a daring little squeeze and he looked down at her and smiled.

‘It’s a surprise. But I’ve booked us into a hotel close to where we’re going, so we can register first and put our things in our room – have a wash and brush up, if we need.’

‘Sounds a good idea,’ she said, more for something to say. Unexpectedly, she began to feel nervous.

The hotel was small and non-descript which suited her perfectly. Inside, a grey-haired woman at the reception desk regarded them keenly through thick lenses.

‘Mr and Mrs Edward Brown,’ Edwin announced firmly.

This time she understood his discretion. Until the world knew they were courting it was best kept a secret to protect them both.

‘Sign here, please, Mr Brown.’ The receptionist slid an open book and pen towards him, at the same time glancing at Maxine’s left hand as though suspicious the third finger would be bereft of the necessary gold band. She gave a nod almost of disappointment, her bun so tight the skin tautly stretched around her face and eyes under the strain of her hairpins. Her prim expression reminded Maxine of her mother. If her mother could see her now with a man who wasn’t her husband, booked into a hotel in the same room, she’d be horrified, no matter how famous a surgeon he was.

‘No, thanks,’ Edwin was saying. ‘We’ve only got a couple of small bags with us, so I’m sure we can find our way.’

‘You’re on the second floor,’ the woman told him, ‘and I’m afraid there’s no lift.’ She seemed momentarily taken aback when Edwin treated her to one of his charming smiles. ‘But then you’re young,’ she said, ‘so I’m sure you’ll manage.’

Maxine bit back a giggle.

‘Old bat,’ Edwin said when he unlocked the door to their room. ‘Don’t suppose she’s ever known a night of passion in her life.’

‘You don’t know that,’ Maxine retorted. ‘That’s the thing with people. You never know what they’re capable of until you get to know them. Or they tell you things and it might not be the truth, so you still don’t know them.’

Edwin threw her a questioning glance. ‘You’re very deep, all of a sudden,’ he said, frowning.

‘She might have lost someone in the war and she doesn’t have much reason to be jolly,’ she told him crisply.