The Highly Sensitive Man

What becomes clear when we take a close look at these recent studies is that all of us differ in our environmental sensitivity. And while particularly sensitive temperaments were described in earlier studies only indirectly and often negatively—with researchers believing that being more sensitive could make people more susceptible to psychological disorders—current research suggests that high levels of sensitivity are an essential and completely neutral trait. In other words, being more sensitive can be an advantage, but it can also be a disadvantage. This is completely dependent on which experiences the highly sensitive person has in the environment in which they grow up or live. The researchers whose work we have looked at in the second half of this chapter believe that natural selection led to the development of two discrete evolutionary strategies that guaranteed the survival of our species. The advantage of the reactive or sensitive strategy could be that organisms, whether human or animal, are more vigilant, sensitive, and adaptable when faced with potential opportunities and threats in their environments and social groups. Consequently, they are better able to adapt their future behavior to these new situations.

So the next time that you as a highly sensitive man find yourself in a full, loud, and sticky train car and feel unwell or tense while your traveling companion appears to be calm, can concentrate on the newspaper despite the noise, and is even able to order a hot coffee, just remember that your sensitivity is not just a disadvantage, even if it feels so in moments like this. Because it’s likely that you’re reacting more strongly not only to the negative aspects of this situation but also to the positive: the golden field of flowers that the train is speeding past, the colors of the sunset, the trees and the shrubs, some good news in your friend’s newspaper, or a funny or loving interaction in the family sitting opposite you.

Elaine Aron’s Concept of High Sensitivity

One of the researchers investigating sensitivity during the 1990s was Elaine Aron, and she was the first to observe and identify the phenomenon of high sensitivity. Aron sees high sensitivity—or sensory processing sensitivity, to use the scientific term—as a neutral, innate temperamental trait. Highly sensitive people observe things in great detail exhaustively, think longer and more deeply before they take action, and generally react more emotionally to positive as well as negative occurrences in their surroundings. This can be observed externally as a pattern of behavior in which people are more hesitant, “slow to warm up,” or “behaviorally inhibited.” But Aron believes that the underlying cause of this observable behavior is that highly sensitive people process stimuli more deeply. Using the questionnaire that she developed during her research—the Highly Sensitive Person Scale—Aron was able to show that highly sensitive people react more strongly to both positive and negative images, that they register small visual details more quickly, and even that they benefit more strongly from therapeutic interventions than non–highly sensitive people.17, 18 Using brain imaging technology, Aron was able to show over the course of numerous studies that there were differences in the brain activity of highly sensitive and non–highly sensitive people. In highly sensitive adults, the areas of the brain connected with information processing, consciousness, empathy, and activity planning, such as the insular cortex and the inferior frontal gyrus, are all more active than in individuals who are not highly sensitive. The psychologist Bianca Acevedo summarizes the results of these studies as follows:

Collectively, the present results support the notion that sensory processing sensitivity is a trait associated with enhanced awareness and responsiveness to others’ moods, as it engages brain systems involved in sensory information processing and integration, action planning, and overall awareness. These findings highlight how the highly sensitive brain mediates greater attunement and action planning needed to respond to the environment, particularly in relevant social contexts.19

Aron’s early research from the 1990s shows that around 15 to 20 percent of all people are highly sensitive, although Pluess suggests that the most recent research, in which Aron was also involved, estimates this figure to be around 30 percent. Pluess has also shown that there are three, rather than two distinct sensitivity groups, as previously thought, on a sensitivity continuum: a high sensitive group (31%), a medium sensitive group (40%) and a low sensitive group (29%). So not just “orchids” and “dandelions,” but also “tulips.”20

Aron differentiates high sensitivity from introversion and has been able to show that around 30 percent of all highly sensitive people are, in fact, extroverted.21 This means, of course, that around 70 percent of all highly sensitive people are indeed introverted. Aron believes that high sensitivity can exist alongside a range of other apparently contradictory temperamental and personality traits, such as “sensation seeking.”22 The term sensation seeking was coined by the clinical psychologist Marvin Zuckermann, who has been researching this characteristic since the 1960s. He uses the term sensation seeking to describe people who seek out variety and new experiences, and, according to Zuckermann, it is a trait that is inheritable in 60 percent of cases.23, 24 This characteristic tends to be connected to behaviors that can be described as “adventure-, risk- and excitement-seeking.” Sensation seekers are more quickly bored than other people and thus seek out variety and potentially risky activities more often than other people. They tend to be restless when they find themselves in situations that offer little stimulation or variety. Zuckermann suggests that more men than women are sensation seekers and that those behaviors that accompany this trait tend to be moderated by age. Having a tendency to seek out risk, variety, and excitement, while also being highly sensitive, is something that Aron often compares to having “one foot on the brake, the other on the gas.”25

Aron also differentiates between high sensitivity and neuroticism—the tendency to react anxiously or depressively. Aron believes that highly sensitive people only have a higher risk of developing anxiety, depression, or shyness in life if they had a childhood that involved significantly negative experiences and an environment that badly clashed with their temperaments. The particular malleability of highly sensitive children again plays a decisive role here, specifically the question of how well the attributes, expectations, behaviors, and challenges of a child’s social environment fit their temperament—what in psychology we often call “goodness of fit.” If the fit is good, or good enough, then, according to Aron, highly sensitive children will develop just as well, if not better, than children who are not highly sensitive, which tallies with the research of Boyce, Ellis, Belsky, and Pluess. It is, of course, completely possible that a highly sensitive adult will experience a depressive episode or other psychological problems in life, despite experiencing a safe and loving childhood, but what we can say is that high sensitivity in itself does not automatically lead to an increase in the likelihood of suffering from depression or anxiety.

SUMMARY

My hope is that you now feel that you have a broad enough knowledge about the academic background of high sensitivity and that you are better able to place the concept scientifically. Since the 1990s, high sensitivity, or sensory processing sensitivity, has represented a specific and active field of research that underpins the scientific basis of what Jung was already describing in 1913 as “innate sensitivity.” Around the middle of the last century, this innate sensitivity was described using an array of different terms. High sensitivity has a biological and evolutionary explanation, can be demonstrated in measurable differences in brain activity, and has recently been connected to a range of genetic variations, including in the neurotransmitters (the messengers of our nervous system) serotonin and dopamine.26, 27 For a long time, sensitivity was believed to be equivalent to introversion, despite the fact that we now know that high sensitivity and introversion are two separate things. These two phenomena do often go hand in hand, however, but we also know that around 30 percent of all highly sensitive people display extroverted behaviors in social settings. According to Aron, high sensitivity is a temperamental trait, whereas introversion and extroversion are personality styles that develop over the course of one’s life and describe our social behavior. She thus believes that we are born highly sensitive, whereas introversion and extroversion are learned.

For the sake of our quality of life, our happiness, and our psychological health, it is very important that we are able to recognize whether we are highly sensitive or not. This is the question that we will be addressing in the next chapter, while tackling the typical characteristics and difficulties that highly sensitive men have to deal with in daily life.

Darryl: “For me, the positive aspects of my high sensitivity outweigh the negatives; the advantages and disadvantages are two sides of the same coin.”

Darryl is in his early thirties. He is a musician and is training to be a masseur. His story illustrates how high sensitivity and the characteristics connected to it can be assets. He’s found that aspects of his temperament are useful in his work as both a musician and masseur. And he actively seeks ways to accommodate his temperament; I like that he is seeking out other musicians to play with onstage rather than allowing his stage fright to force him offstage completely. In the interview, Daryl mentions a diagnosis of “social phobia,” and it is important to mention here that there is a difference between high sensitivity and social phobia, because the latter is a psychological disorder, not a temperamental trait (see chapter 4). Social phobia is a distinct fear of being the center of attention in social situations and is accompanied by symptoms of anxiety, avoidant behavior, and distress. This is not necessarily the case with high sensitivity. Of course, it is possible for highly sensitive people to pick up and react more strongly to subtle social stimuli or develop social anxiety more rapidly in the face of negative social experiences than less sensitive individuals. It is also possible to be both highly sensitive and also socially anxious.

When and how did you first notice you were highly sensitive?

In 2008, my cognitive behavioral psychotherapist—who I was seeing about my social anxiety—pointed out that I might be highly sensitive. I believe that my high sensitivity contributed to the development of my social anxiety, but only in interaction with some unpleasant external influences from my childhood. I then read a few books about the subject and was immediately convinced that my therapist was right, because I saw myself in so many of the highly sensitive characteristics described, which I hadn’t previously had any explanation for and which didn’t seem to be completely explained by social phobia.

What are the advantages and the disadvantages of being highly sensitive?

For me, the positive aspects of my high sensitivity outweigh the negatives; the advantages and disadvantages are two sides of the same coin. The “advantages” for me are my rich inner life, my strong fantasies and creativity, my feel for aesthetic things, and the ability to be on my own without feeling bored. I’d also say that I have a very clear sense of justice, that I’m very empathetic, thorough, and conscientious. The “disadvantages” are that I get quickly overstimulated, I’m a perfectionist, I tend to doubt myself and be very self-critical, and I’m sometimes quite hesitant and not very spontaneous. It can also sometimes be a problem that I need time out, to protect myself from too much stimulation, and that I often feel emotionally overwhelmed.

Looking back, what sort of messages or feedback would have been helpful to you?

“If you’re different from other people, that doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you; it means you’re special.”

“Always listen to what your body and your intuition are trying to tell you and stick with that.”

“Your sensitivity is really important for society as a whole. You can do a lot of good.”

“The particular way you see the world is an asset.”

“Feelings are never right or wrong; (we can just deal with them well or less well).”

“It’s completely fine if you’re shy, quiet, or withdrawn.”

What are the particular challenges that highly sensitive men face in our society?

I think as a highly sensitive man I have traits that might be seen as “feminine” and other traits that would be seen as “masculine.” Sometimes I’m quite reserved, quiet, and need harmony in my life. I think a lot about my emotional life, practice yoga and meditation, and am interested in spiritual things. I react sensitively to physical violence or shocking images in, for instance, films. I’m also not very interested in cars or technical things, and my physical build is quite slim. At the same time, I also have lots of “manly” characteristics and preferences, like football and drinking beer. I like to exhaust myself physically and can also be dominant and strong-willed. Generally, my sense is that many women, but also men, actually really value this mixture of “feminine” and “masculine” characteristics.

How does your high sensitivity affect your relationships with other men?

I have as many male friends as female friends and don’t see many differences in those relationships. In terms of my relationships with men, it could be a disadvantage that I have a strong need for harmony, have difficulties setting boundaries, and am not interested in competition among men. However, one advantage in the way I relate to other men is that I often pick up on things that they don’t notice about themselves, like particular feelings. For instance, my brother and my father—they both have a real flair for analytical thinking, but I would say that they find it hard to access their feelings, like anger or sadness. I feel like I’m sometimes able to help them by acting like a kind of “emotional mirror.” At the same time, I do think I have to be really careful with them and make sure I’m “speaking their language,” because I think I’ve been addressing my feelings in a far more direct way for a lot longer, including with two therapists. I’ve noticed that men who are comfortable with themselves and with their masculinity don’t have any problems with my high sensitivity and, in fact, are able to value it. On the other hand, men who have problems with their self-worth, if, for instance, they don’t acknowledge the shy or introverted sides of their personality, tend to demean highly sensitive characteristics in other men. I’ve experienced that myself regularly, also with women.

How does your high sensitivity affect your relationships with women?

I am often reserved and cautious when it comes to approaching new people and need a lot of time to open up. When it comes to talking to attractive women, to flirting and initiating intimacy, I’m often very hesitant and tense. In my experience, highly sensitive and shy men have a far harder time when it comes to all of that, because in our society it’s sadly still the case that people expect men to make the first move, to “bowl women over,” and to actively initiate sex. Because of that, I’m still quite unhappy with my sex life. But the moment that I’ve got past that first stage, then everything’s great, and I’m sure that my high sensitivity plays a role in that. I can have very intense, deep conversations with women about feelings, about spiritual topics and about relationships, and I find it easy to put myself in my partner’s shoes. I also experience sex with a woman very intensely.

What are the advantages and the disadvantages of being highly sensitive at work?

I recently started the training to become a masseur. My high sensitivity helps me to intuitively notice things about my clients. I’m very perceptive when I work and often need to process that, usually by taking a little break between clients. As a musician, my high sensitivity really helps my creative process: intuition, empathy, a feel for aesthetics and details, but also for the bigger picture, conscientiousness, and the ability to really immerse myself in my art. At the same time, my precision can also quickly turn into perfectionism. If I have to be the center of attention, have to present myself and sell myself (whether online or onstage), then I feel very inhibited and often get very nervous, especially if I have to stand on the stage on my own and sing. Because of this, I haven’t performed very much, which has held me back professionally. I’m currently looking for other musicians to play with me to help me deal with that.

What’s your advice for other highly sensitive men?

Unconditionally accept your own personality, your past, and your life story, as well as your present situation in life. Research your high sensitivity by reading books and talking to other people about it. I also think that positively reinterpreting life events from your past and your characteristics with your newfound knowledge about your high sensitivity is also really important. At the same time, you need to organize your own life according to your highly sensitive nature and stop trying to constantly fulfill everyone else’s expectations. Pay more attention to the signals that your body’s giving you and to your intuition, by practicing mindfulness meditation, for instance. And last but not least: take a walk in the woods—barefoot is best!

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