The Second Life of Nathan Jones

Laura picked up her glass, took a gulp of wine and shook her head. ‘I can’t be bothered, Nathan, and I think that’s worse. It just seems like too much effort. I wasn’t glad when you died but, I should tell you, I was relieved. I know that sounds cold-hearted and unfeeling but it’s the truth. It meant I wouldn’t have to deal with this, deal with you, deal with us. I wanted to wait a little longer until you were completely healed but … well, there you are … you forced it out of me.’

‘It didn’t take much.’

‘No, it didn’t and there’s the problem, isn’t it? I need to leave and move on. I need more from my life than you.’

‘What about the girls?’

‘It’ll be hard at first, but they’ll adapt. In the long run it’ll be better for them not to have to live with our arguing and … what would I call it … apathy?’

‘Indifference.’

‘Yeah, see, you get it, don’t you? Deep down you know I’m right. It’ll let you move on too, maybe find someone new.’

‘I don’t want anyone new. I want the Laura I married.’

Laura smiled sadly at her husband. ‘That Laura died a long time ago. You killed her slowly over time, strangled the life out of her.’

‘That’s horrible.’

Laura shrugged. ‘It’s the truth.’

‘It’s your truth.’

*

Laura looked at her husband for a moment, trying to remember what it had been like to love him. She’d changed over the years while he’d remained pretty much the same, stuck in a rut. Maybe it had been unfair of her to expect more given his family and background, the very family background that had made him so attractive in the first place. Laura knew she had an ambitious social-climbing streak in her at a time when it had become increasingly unfashionable to admit to such a thing. In her mind, quality mattered and whatever else she thought about her husband he had quality – if such a thing existed. It helped he was good-looking, but he never seemed to realise that, which over the years had been at times a comfort and at others a curse. He attracted people to him with his easy manner and chilled-out personality. That personality trait annoyed her the most, though – he didn’t worry about things. Appointments to Nathan were vague arrangements, deadlines something to work towards, the future … what future?

She could have had anyone; at the time she probably hadn’t realised that, but it had been true. She’d been intelligent, beautiful and outgoing. Nathan was so loyal, so devoted like a little puppy, and almost as cute.

Over time, though, loyalty and devotion became wearing and irritating. With Nathan dead her plan had been to sell up and relocate to London. The life insurance money would have come in handy, especially given the costs of living down there, but, in any event, she’d get by.

She sighed. ‘It doesn’t matter whose truth it is, Nathan. I’m going to make it easier on everybody and move out. I’ve applied for a transfer to London and as soon as that’s approved I’ll leave. You can live here with the girls and that way they don’t miss out on their schooling and stuff. I’ll see them at weekends and holidays.’

*

Nathan sat in shock; he hadn’t known how the conversation would end. He hadn’t anticipated a happy ending but Laura’s returning to London hadn’t even been on his radar. ‘If you want out, London’s a bit drastic; couldn’t you just stay with your mum and dad for a bit and see how it goes?’

‘I know you can’t, but, if you could, would you go back and live with your parents?’

Nathan shook his head. ‘I barely lived with them the first time around, so no. But why London? You were the one desperate to get away from there years ago.’

Laura nodded and bit her lip. ‘Yeah, that was then, this is now. The world’s changed, I’ve changed. This way life will be much more pleasant for everyone.’

‘Much more pleasant for you, you mean, living it up in London.’

Laura shook her head. ‘I won’t be doing any of that, Nathan. I’ll be working hard to try and build a better future for myself and the girls. And you know what? For the first time since I was nineteen I’ll be doing it on my own.’

She waited for a reply and when none came announced, ‘I’ll be out of here in early January. What we need to do over the next few weeks is pretend that everything is normal for the girls’ sake over Christmas. That shouldn’t be too difficult for us really – it’s what we’ve been doing for years.’ She tossed back her hair and the rest of her wine and stomped out of the room.

Nathan switched off the TV and sat back in his chair, thinking. He couldn’t contemplate life without Laura, despite their problems. He’d somehow always believed that things would get better, fix themselves in one way or another. Her cold determination left him reeling.

After a while he went to bed and slipped in beside his sleeping wife – well, he assumed she’d gone to sleep as she made no movement when he snuggled up beside her. He’d been sleeping like this for over a decade now, he couldn’t imagine doing anything else, but some time soon his bed would be cold and empty. Would he be able to cope?

Chapter 5

Christmas and New Year passed with a black cloud hanging over the flat. No matter how he tried Nathan couldn’t shake off the gloom. Even the usual manic Christmas morning present fest had a hollow feel about it. The girls returned to school and nursery and the time Nathan had been dreading was nearly upon him.

This would be his last weekend at home with his wife. He’d been trying to come up with a plan to make her stay but, so far, he’d drawn a blank. He’d pleaded with her a few times over the last few weeks, but she wasn’t interested. He’d considered trying to emotionally blackmail her with the girls but didn’t want to use his children so blatantly. Besides, he’d decided, if her daughters had meant that much to her she wouldn’t be leaving anyway.

The whole thing had come about due to that stupid afternoon when he’d stepped in front of the bus. Laura had said it had only hurried up the inevitable, but Nathan wasn’t so sure. Laura had glimpsed the potential of a life without him when that had happened, and it had been the catalyst for everything else that had followed. It wasn’t as if he thought their married life had been perfect, far from it, but, in his head, they had stayed together for the good of their family. In his maybe old-fashioned view of the world this appeared to be perfectly acceptable if it meant they remained together. Miserable, but together.

He smiled at his own analysis. He didn’t want a miserable marriage any more than his wife did. He wanted their old relationship back, the one they’d had when they were first together, the first few months of wide-eyed wonder they’d shared after Millie’s birth when everything had seemed filled with promise and novelty.

Millie and Chloe would be home from school soon. After that he planned to cook up some steaks for Laura and himself. Millie would have a little bit and he’d do some pasta for the younger girls, who wouldn’t touch steak. He’d already bought a nice bottle of expensive Shiraz; well, a tenner seemed expensive for him. He’d sauté some potatoes and serve them and the steak with green beans, pepper sauce and onion rings, the height of sophistication for Nathan. It also felt a little like the last meal for a condemned prisoner or, perhaps more fittingly, the last meal for a condemned marriage.

He’d been so busy in the kitchen that he almost forgot to get Daisy from nursery and had to zoom up the road in his car. He made it just as the last of the parents were leaving the building. When he bustled into the classroom he found Daisy sitting on Mrs Ridgwell’s knee, crying. Mrs Ridgwell, a severe woman in early menopause, always appeared to be mad at everything and everyone.

‘Daisy’s been upset all day, Mr Jones. She says her mummy’s leaving – is that true?’

Nathan frowned. They’d deliberately agreed to limit what they said to Daisy, deciding she would be too young to grasp the reality of their situation. Of course, her older sisters had been subject to no such censor and he suspected they’d been telling Daisy more than she needed to know.

‘She’s going to be working down south a few days each week, that’s all.’ He wasn’t willing to share more than that with strangers.

Mrs Ridgwell looked over the top of her glasses at Nathan and pouted. ‘Daisy is very upset about it. I think your wife should reconsider going if this is the effect it’s going to have on her children.’

Nathan initially reacted with anger at her poking her nose in where it had no right to be, but then he realised she echoed his own sentiments exactly. So he relaxed and said, ‘I’ll mention it to her, Mrs Ridgwell.’ He prised his daughter free from the clutches of the scowling teacher and guided her to his car.

Daisy’s demeanour brightened considerably when she arrived home and into the loving circle of her sisters, a relationship so complex, enveloping and at times contradictory that Nathan, as a man and a father, would never completely understand it. However, as he stood and watched Chloe and Millie making a fuss of their youngest sibling he decided, whatever happened between him and Laura, he’d always put his girls first.

His wife arrived home from work tired and stressed as usual. She said a quick hello to everyone, accepted a glass of wine from Nathan and disappeared to soak in the bath.

*

Later, after dinner, Laura and Nathan sat in silence at the dinner table. The plates had been cleared and stacked in the sink and Laura pulled out a notepad from her handbag. She poured the remainder of the wine into their glasses and said, ‘Right, Nathan, you’re going to have your hands full on Monday, so you need to make a list of what needs done and when.’

‘Do I?’

‘If you want to have any kind of life you do, yeah.’

‘I like my life just as it is.’

Laura sighed. ‘Well, it doesn’t really matter what you like, does it, Nathan? It’s going to change and you either accept it now, or in a week, or in a month’s time. It’d be easier for the girls if you could at least pretend to be an adult and listen to me.’

Nathan bristled but checked his anger. He didn’t want the rest of the weekend to be a battleground. ‘I’m listening,’ he said tersely.

Laura ripped a few pages out of the pad and passed them over; digging into her bag, she produced a pen and handed that over too.

Nathan picked the pen up and waited. ‘So, I’m your secretary now, am I?’

Laura smiled. ‘Just for a little while. Now, I know you spend a lot of time with the girls doing the fun stuff. What you also need to do now, is the mundane stuff, like ironing and prepping.’

‘I do prepping.’

‘You occasionally iron a skirt or fill a water bottle. Right, we’ll start with school stuff. Millie and Chloe need their uniforms washed and ironed at the weekend. I’ll make sure there’s a week’s worth ready but next weekend you’ll need to be prepared. You’ll need five white blouses each, five skirts, and either tights or socks depending on the weather. Probably tights will be the order of the day most of the time.’ Laura paused and nodded as Nathan took notes. ‘Daisy just needs normal clothes for nursery but, if it looks like it’s going to be wet, try and pick older outfits as she’ll end up covered in mud. Before the girls go to school you need to do their hair. Millie likes a little side-pleat and you need to use tiny little hairbands for that—’

‘I don’t know how to do pleats.’

‘Millie will show you; it’s not difficult. You need to make sure Millie and Chloe have a snack for the morning and a bottle of water each. Yes, before you speak I know you do them, but with all the other stuff going on you might forget so write it down. They both eat school lunches, so you don’t need to worry about that, but Daisy needs a packed lunch every day. She likes ham or cheese in her sandwiches but not both together, despite what she says. She also needs at least three bits of fruit, though she only ever eats two.’

‘So why not just put two in, then?’

Laura glanced up. ‘Because if you put in two pieces, she’ll only eat one.’

‘What happens if you put four pieces in?’

‘She still only eats two. Now, you also need to make sure you’ve got the list of stuff they do after school and nursery. You already do most of this, but let’s run through it anyway. Monday at 5 p.m. Millie goes to dancing and Chloe to football.’

‘Daisy stays with me.’

‘She does. Tuesday and Wednesday are free nights. Thursday Chloe has swimming lessons at 4.30 and Daisy goes to Gym Tots; they’re both in the same place so that’s easy but remember Millie’s iPad. Saturday morning Millie and Chloe go to drama but I’m not sure Chloe’s that keen, so you might have to let her drop out.’

‘I thought she loved it.’

‘She did, but now I’m not so sure. Sunday is free as you know, but instead of watching the football you’ll need to catch up on your ironing and cleaning. Most evenings try and get Millie and Chloe to do their reading and homework before you put the TV on for them because, as you know, otherwise it’s a nightmare trying to get them away from it.’

‘It all sounds like a riot.’

‘You’ll cope, but I’ll put everything on a list, so you don’t forget. You need to hoover every day, the kitchen floor needs cleaning with the steam mop every night after the carnage that is dinner time is over, but you usually do that anyway, and the fridge needs cleaning at least once a month and sometimes more. There’s loads more, but that’ll do for now. I’ll write everything down on a master list for you, so you have it all handy. I’ll also email it all over to you because, knowing you, you’ll lose the list in a day or two.’

‘I won’t.’

‘You will. This way you’ll always have a copy.’

‘A reminder of how much my wife loves me.’

Laura sighed. ‘A reminder that, regardless of what you think, Nathan, we need to put the girls before everything.’

‘Running away from them isn’t exactly a good example of that, is it?’

‘I’m not having this conversation with you, Nathan. It’s pointless, we’ve been there already. I’m doing this for everyone’s benefit. Now, tomorrow I’m taking the girls into town as I need to get some new clothes for work and there’s a sale on at Clarks, so I’ll try and get Chloe some new school shoes because she’s nearly grown out of her last ones. Sunday we’ll try and do something as a family, but we need to try and be civil to each other so that it’s not a total disaster, okay?’

Nathan nodded. ‘Maybe the zoo if the weather looks nice?’

‘Yeah, good idea, that’ll keep everyone busy and we can visit your relatives.’

‘My relatives?’

‘Yeah, the chimps.’

He managed to laugh.

Chapter 6

I’d just finished working with Sid on what we called a ‘stinker’. Not a nice description but an accurate one. This poor old soul had died about a month ago in her council flat in Leith and had lain undiscovered throughout Christmas and New Year, until a neighbour had phoned environmental health about the ‘smelly drains’.

We didn’t know much about her, as was often the case with ‘stinkers’. Although the weather had been very cold she’d had the heating set at maximum when she’d died so the decomposition had advanced considerably and bits of her had started to fall apart like an over-cooked Christmas turkey – except there would be no gravy, pleasant aroma or feel-good factor associated with this one.

The cause of death couldn’t be established from our post-mortem and Sid hoped the lab reports would give some clue to any grieving relative that came out of the woodwork.

I felt a little sad even though I’d worked on dozens of these over the years. It always surprised me that so many people in our digital and fast-moving world died seemingly friendless and unnoticed. Maybe one day we’d all have little devices built into our bodies that sent out a signal when we were about to die. At least then she could have updated her status on Facebook with a message saying: ‘sorry I can’t watch the video of your daughter singing an out of tune song because I’ve just died’. Then she might not have lain undiscovered for weeks.

We cleaned ourselves up, changed into new scrubs and went for a bite of lunch. When I first started in the mortuary the thought of even looking at food after such a stomach-churning morning would have made me ill but it’s amazing how time and exposure dull your senses. My tummy rumbled at the promise of some watery National Health canteen soup.

Sid said he’d started a diet, though I wasn’t sure why as he had virtually no body fat at all. I’d asked him about it and he’d replied, ‘I have cellulite everywhere’ – words I’m pretty sure a straight bloke would never utter – and then he ordered a baked potato with no filling. Personally, I’d rather eat cardboard.

‘So, Kat, how’s your love life?’ Most of our conversations started this way. He had an unhealthy interest in my love life, which tended to be a short conversation. Occasionally he’d announce, ‘I’m going to a punk reunion gig this weekend.’ I had real problems picturing him among some of the throng of gobbing pseudo-violent psychopaths that must attend those things. Sid always reminded me of Marcus from Nick Hornby’s novel About a Boy, a real fish out of water at the best of times.

‘My love life is still going through a dry period Sid. No, that’s wrong; suspended animation would be a better description.’

‘You need to get out more, Kat. You have to be seen to be dated. I mean, nobody’s going to turn up at your door, are they?’

‘I had two Jehovah’s Witnesses around last night.’

‘Were either of them cute?’

‘They were both cute, smartly dressed and glowing like someone had just buffed them up with a leather chamois and a bucket of car wax.’

‘Maybe you should try the internet.’

‘Online dating? My friend Hayley did that. It wasn’t good for her.’

‘She’s the hot one?’

‘Yeah, so hot she’s on fire.’

‘But it might be different for you, Kat; you’re not so …’

I pointed my spoon, dripping with lethal minestrone, at him. ‘Watch what you say here, Sid.’ I laughed as he struggled to find words.

‘Obvious, you’re not as obvious as her, so you would probably attract less weirdos.’

‘I’m Goth, Sid, I’m a weirdo magnet.’

‘You’re being too hard on yourself. I think you’re very pretty. There’s absolutely nobody on the horizon?’

The desperately cute image of a sleeping Nathan Jones flashed into my mind and for the thousandth time since I’d met him, I wondered how he’d fared since going home, but as usual I dismissed it. He had a wife and three kids to boot. ‘No, Sid, nobody at all.’

‘Maybe drop the Goth thing, then?’

‘I don’t think I can. I’ve never felt comfortable in my own skin. Even as a kid when my mum used to cart me off to birthday parties dressed in sequinned silver party dresses, I felt like I stood out like a sore thumb and that everyone would be staring and judging how ridiculous I looked, like a gorilla in hot pants.’

‘I bet you didn’t.’

‘No, I know that now, but back then, well, that’s how I felt.’

A few minutes of pleasant silence passed between us as we finished eating before I brought up the subject of family. ‘How’s your folks?’

‘Mm,’ Sid mumbled while swallowing a fork-full of potato. ‘They’ve started on a new project. Recreating the Settle to Carlisle line, in 1:64 scale.’

‘Sid, that made about as much sense to me as the number eleven.’

‘Eleven?’

‘Yeah, I’ve always thought it should be onety-one. I assume the thing your mum and dad are doing is something to do with trains?’ Sid’s parents were model railway enthusiasts and they’d met at a fair, or whatever they called places where train weirdos got together. He’d regaled me with stories of his childhood, he and his brother foraging in the fridge for food at mealtimes, sitting alone with his teacher on parents’ evening because his mum and dad had become so engrossed in their latest project they’d forgotten all about everything else.

I noted the bewildered look on Sid’s face as he tried to work out the ‘onety-one’ thing, then he shook his head and said, ‘Yeah, the Settle to Carlisle line is the highest railway line in England and—’

‘Yeah, thanks, Sid. I could probably have lived out the rest of my life quite happily without knowing that, thank you very much.’

‘Me too, but you did ask.’

‘I did.’

‘What about you – have you been home to see your mum and dad recently?’

I finished chewing on a rubbery piece of bread crust. ‘Not for a few weeks. I’ll need to make the trip next weekend, I suppose, seeing as I’m not working.’

‘“Make the trip”? You make it sound like it’s hundreds of miles; it’s only Glasgow.’

I laughed. ‘Yeah, but a trip home always makes me feel like I’ve entered The Twilight Zone.’

Sid smiled at me. ‘What’s your dad got in his sheds these days?’

‘I dread to think. It’s an ever-changing smorgasbord.’

‘Does your mum still have her ironing fixation?’

‘Ironing, hoovering, washing her hands, cleaning the light bulbs …’

‘Cleaning the light bulbs?’

‘Yeah, that’s one of her new ones. A few months ago, the light in the hall needed a new bulb and when she went to change it she felt disgusted, that was her word, “disgusted”, to see how dusty and dirty it had become, so she’s now taken to cleaning all the light bulbs in the house … and other people’s houses.’

Sid put his cup down. ‘Other people’s houses? I can’t really imagine she goes and knocks on their door and says, “Can I come in and inspect your light bulbs, please?”’

I laughed. ‘I wouldn’t put it past her, but no, my dad had to take her home from their friends’ house last week because she started doing it there. My dad has his foibles too, but I think my mum is getting worse; we used to think the menopause might be partly responsible but she’s past that now, so we don’t have that excuse. Her latest, apart from the light bulb cleaning, is that she’s got a thing going with the fridge.’

‘A thing going?’

‘Well, yeah, it’s one of those big American models and she stood for half an hour opening and closing the door.’

‘Why?’

‘She wanted to make sure the light went out when she closed the door.’

‘But you—’

‘I know.’

‘That’s—’

‘I know.’

‘What did your dad say?’

‘He took the bulb out.’

‘That’ll work.’

‘Smart man, my dad, but it doesn’t work in other people’s houses.’

‘No, it wouldn’t.’

‘They don’t visit much just now.’

‘No, I don’t suppose they do.’

‘That’s why my dad spends much more time in his sheds, looking at sheds online or even better if he can sit in a shed talking online to other people about their sheds. He’s going to enter “Shed of the Year” this year. Actually, that’s not true. He’s entering two of his sheds for the “Shed of the Year”.’

Sid shook his head and gave me the same look he always did when we talked about my parents, the one that said, ‘How the hell did you make it out of childhood with only a Goth persona and confidence issues?’

The worry is that one day I’ll end up like my mum. True, I don’t have to go back home three times every day to make sure I’ve switched off the cooker and unplugged the kettle or check seven times that I’ve locked the door before getting in my car and I don’t always need to count to twenty-five when ordering a coffee from Costa or to eighty-one in Starbucks. I know that sounds kind of random, but my mum needs to multiply the number of letters in the coffee shop’s name by itself (Costa – five letters times five letters equals twenty-five). If she ever visits a café in that weird Welsh village with the ridiculous name, I might never see her again.

Although I’ve not reached that level I have enough issues to know I might get worse and become un-dateable – perhaps I already have.