Katie's Redemption

Her elderly landlady back in Columbus once said, “Honey, that man’s a case of bad judgment. Dump him before he dumps you.”

Katie hadn’t wanted to believe Mrs. Pearlman, but it turned out she knew what she was talking about.

Elam spoke as he rose to his feet, yanking Katie’s attention back to the present. “I was trying to get Rachel to go back to sleep without waking you.”

“The song you were singing, what’s it called?”

“You don’t know In der Stillen Einsamkeit?” He sounded genuinely surprised.

“No.”

“I thought every Amish child had heard it. My mother sang it to all of us and still sings it to her grandchildren.”

“There wasn’t a lot of singing in my house. I don’t remember my mother ever singing. I have very few clear memories of my family. My father died before I was born in some kind of farm accident. I do remember my brother Hans playing with me. He was always laughing. He gave me a doll that I loved, and he gave me piggyback rides. I remember someone scolding him to be careful. I think it was my mother.”

“What happened to your family?”

“Everyone except Malachi and I died in a fire when I was four.”

“I’m sorry.”

Katie shrugged off his sympathy. “It was a long time ago.”

Rachel gave another lusty cry. Elam said, “I think she’s telling me I make a poor substitute for her mother.”

Katie shifted into a sitting position in the bed and held out her arms. When Elam laid her daughter in her embrace, she said, “I’m afraid she’s going to think I’m a poor substitute for a mother when she gets to know me.”

“My sisters all worried that they wouldn’t make good mothers, but they learned. You will, too.”

“I hope you’re right.” He sounded so matter-of-fact. Like it was a done deal. She wanted to believe him, but she had made such a mess of her life up to this point.

“My mother will help as long as you’re here. If you let her.”

“I’m not sure I could stop her. She’s something of a force of nature.”

Chuckling softly, he nodded. “Jah, that is a good description of Mamm.”

As their eyes met, Katie experienced a strange thrill, a sizzling connection with Elam that both surprised and delighted her. Rachel quieted. Elam’s expression changed. The amusement left his gaze, replaced by an odd intensity that sent heat rushing to Katie’s cheeks.

Since the baby had quieted, Katie simply held and admired her. Stroking one of her daughter’s sweetly curved brows, Katie said, “This wasn’t the way I planned for you to come into the world.”

Elam folded his arms. “Our best laid plans often come to naught.”

“My landlady used to say, ‘Man plans, God laughs.’” Katie tried to imitate her friend’s broad Yiddish accent.

“She sounds like a wise woman.”

Katie nodded sadly. “She was a very wise woman.”

If Mrs. Pearlman had lived, Katie wouldn’t be in this mess. Her kind landlady would have taken her in until she found a job. God had once again taken away the person who truly cared about her, leaving Katie where she had always been. Alone, unwanted, belonging nowhere.

She glanced up at Elam as he towered over her bed. “Your mother reminds me of my friend. She had the same kind eyes.”

When he didn’t say anything, Katie sighed. “I know what you’re thinking.”

Frowning slightly, he asked, “And what would that be?”

“You’re thinking I didn’t plan very well at all.”

He crossed his arms and looked at the floor. “I didn’t say that.”

“No, you didn’t, but it’s the truth. I kept thinking that Matt would come back for me. For us.”

“How long ago did he leave you?”

“Three months. After that I got a part-time job working for our landlady, but she died and the place was sold. I waited for him to come back until my rent ran out. I only had enough money left to buy a bus ticket here.”

“Your husband should not have left you.”

It was her turn to look away. The shame she’d tried so hard to ignore left a bitter taste in her mouth. “Matt Carson wasn’t my husband.”

“Ah.” It was all Elam said, but to her ears that one syllable carried a wealth of condemnation and pity.

After a long moment, he said, “You should know that Grace Zimmerman mentioned Matt was a friend of her grandson when I went there to use the phone. She said she would have her grandson try and contact Matt. Perhaps he will come for you when he finds out you are here.”

Rachel began to fuss again. Katie bounced her gently. “Matt had plenty of time to come for us when we were in the city. I don’t expect he will come now. We won’t be a burden to you or your family any longer than necessary.”

“We will not turn you out. That is not our way. The Bible commands us to help those in need.”

“I’m grateful for all you’ve done, but I’ll go on to my brother as soon as possible.”

Nettie appeared in the living room doorway rubbing her neck. “There’s no need to speak of traveling yet. The nurse says you’re to rest. You can write to Malachi and tell him your situation, but you will stay here for a few days. Or more if you need it.”

Katie bit her lip. Writing her brother would not be enough. She had to go to Malachi in person. He’d made that abundantly clear the day she left with Matt. His angry words still echoed inside her head.

“You ungrateful harlot, you’ve brought shame on me since the day you were born. You’ll not last six months out in the English world. When you come to your senses you’ll be back. But know this. You are dead to me until I see you kneeling in front of me and begging my forgiveness.”

At the time, she felt only relief at getting away from her brother’s strict control. In the months that followed, when it became clear that running away with Matt had been a bad decision, Katie came to realize that she did still care about her brother and she was sorry for the way she’d left.

Matt laughed at her and called her spineless when she decided to try and mend things with her only sibling. She had written several long letters of apology, but each one came back unopened. After two months, she gave up trying. When Matt left she didn’t bother writing to her brother. She knew he meant what he’d said.

Rachel started crying again. Nettie waved a hand to send Elam on his way. “We’ll talk about this tomorrow. Right now this little one is hungry and she doesn’t want to wait any longer.”

Elam bid her good-night, then turned away and headed for the stairs leading to the upper story.

Katie was sorry their quiet talk had ended. She would have enjoyed spending more time with him.

As soon as the thought occurred, she chided herself for such feelings. The last thing she needed was to complicate her life with another man. She appreciated Elam’s kindness, but she wouldn’t mistake those feelings for anything more.

After that, all Katie’s attention was taken up trying to satisfy her daughter’s hungry demands. Later, as Katie fell asleep again, she dreamed about Elam rocking her baby in his arms and singing a soft lullaby. In her dream, the sound of his voice soothed her spirit and brought with it a quiet peacefulness.

For most of the next two days all Katie did was doze and feed the baby. Nettie took over the job of nursemaid, in addition to running her household, without missing a beat and with undisguised gentle joy. At her insistence, Katie was allowed to rest, drink plenty of hearty chicken soup, nurse her baby and nothing else.

Elam had moved a folding screen into the kitchen and placed it in front of her bed to give her and the baby some privacy, then he vanished for most of the day to do his chores and work in his woodshop.

Katie saw so little of him that she began to wonder if he was deliberately trying to avoid spending time with her. When he was in the house, she felt none of the closeness they’d shared the night Rachel was born. She began to think she’d simply imagined the connection they had shared.

The midwife returned as promised to check on Katie and the baby. Amber came bearing a gift of disposable diapers, several blankets and baby gowns which she insisted were donations made by the community for just such an occasion. While Rachel scored glowing marks and was pronounced as healthy as a horse, Amber wasn’t quite as pleased with Katie’s progress.

“At least another day of bed rest is in order. If your color and your blood pressure aren’t better by tomorrow, I may send you to the hospital after all.”

“I promise I will take it easy,” Katie assured Amber. It was an easy promise to keep. Deep fatigue pulled at her limbs and made even the simplest task, like changing diapers, into an exhausting exercise.

“Mrs. Sutter will tell me if you aren’t.” Amber glanced at Nettie, who stood at the foot of the bed with her arms folded and a look of kindly determination on her face.

Amber was on her way out the door when another car pulled into the drive. She said, “Looks like you have more company. Don’t overdo it.”

“I’m sure they aren’t here to see me.”

Looking out the door, Nettie said, “I believe that is Mrs. Zimmerman talking to Elam.”

Katie sat up as hope surged in her heart. Had Mrs. Zimmerman been able to contact Matt? Was he on his way here? “Is she coming in?”

“No. It looks like she’s leaving, but Elam is coming to the house.”

Unwilling to let hope die, Katie threaded her fingers together and held on tight. As soon as Elam walked in and she saw his face, her last tiny reservoir of hope faded into nothingness. “He’s not going to come, is he?”

Elam shook his head. “Mrs. Zimmerman’s grandson says the family has gone abroad. He sent a computer message to Matt, but he hasn’t answered.”

Katie nodded. “I think I’d like to rest now.”

She slipped down under the covers and turned her back on the people standing beside her bed.

From her place inside her small alcove in the corner of the kitchen, Katie could hear Nettie and her son speaking in hushed tones, and the sounds of housework taking place, but she was simply too tired to care what they were saying.

Her beautiful daughter was her whole world now. Rachel was all that mattered.

It was the smell of cinnamon bread baking that woke Katie on the morning of the third day. She opened her eyes to the sight of bright morning light pouring in through the kitchen windows. Someone, Nettie perhaps, had moved the screen aside. Warm and comfortable beneath the quilts, Katie rested, feeling secure and safe for the first time in weeks. She knew it was an illusion, but one she desperately wanted to hold on to.

Nettie was busy pulling a pan of steaming hot bread from the oven with the corner of her apron. The mouth-watering smell was enough to make Katie’s empty stomach sit up and take notice with a loud rumble. Nettie glanced her way and began to chuckle. “I reckon that means you feel goot enough to have a bite to eat.”

“If it tastes as good as it smells, I may wolf down the whole loaf.”

“You’ll have to fight Elam for it. This is his favorite.”

Katie sat up and swung her bare feet to the cool plank floor. As she did, the room dipped and swirled, causing her to shut her eyes and clutch the side of the mattress.

“Are you all right?”

Katie opened her eyes to find Nettie watching her with deep concern. “Just a touch of dizziness. It’s gone now.”

“You sit right there until I get a cup of hot coffee into you. I don’t want you fainting when you stand up.”

Katie took several deep breaths and waited for the room to stop spinning. When everything settled into place, she looked down at her daughter sleeping quietly in her basket. The sight brought a thrill of delight to Katie’s heart. This was her child, her gift. Matt had been wrong when he said a baby would only be a burden.

If he saw Rachel now, would it change how he felt? The thought pushed a lump of regret into her throat. She had made so many bad decisions.

Nettie, having poured the coffee from a dark blue, enameled pot on the back of the stove, laced it liberally with milk from a small pitcher on the table and added a spoonful of sugar before carrying the white earthenware mug to Katie.

Katie didn’t take her coffee sweetened, but she didn’t mention the fact. Nettie had done far too much for her. Grasping the cup, Katie sipped the hot drink slowly, feeling the warmth seep into her bones.

Nettie stood over her with her hands fisted on her hips. Looking up, Katie said, “I’m fine. Really.”

“I will tell you when you are fine. When the color comes back to those cheeks you can get up. Not before. Now drink.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Katie blew on the cup to cool the beverage and took another sip.

Nettie nodded, then left the room. She returned a few minutes later with a large black shawl, which she wrapped around Katie’s shoulders. That done, Nettie turned back to the stove.

Upending the bread pan, she dumped the loaf onto a cutting board and pulled a knife from a drawer. Cutting off thick slices, she transferred them to a plate. Setting the dish aside, she began breaking eggs in a bowl. “Are you drinking?” she asked without looking.

“Yes.” Katie took another quick sip and pulled the shawl tighter, grateful for its soft warmth.

She thought she detected a smile tugging at the corner of the older woman’s mouth, but she didn’t have a clear view of Nettie’s face.

After a few minutes of silence, Nettie asked, “How’s the coffee?”

“It’s good. Better than my sister-in-law ever made on that stove. I used to think her bitter coffee gave Beatrice her sour face.”

“You don’t like your sister-in-law?”

“She’s okay.” It was more that Beatrice didn’t like her. Katie had felt Beatrice’s resentment from the moment she came to live with them, although she never understood why.

“I’ve got a sister-in-law I don’t care for. It’s not right to speak ill of her, but she thought my brother married up when he married into her family. That, and she claims her peach preserves are better than mine. They aren’t. I use my mama’s recipe.”

“And riper peaches?”

Nettie’s eyes brimmed with humor as she shot a look in Katie’s direction. “Can you keep a secret?”

Taken aback slightly, Katie replied, “I guess. Sure.”

“I use canned, store-bought peaches.”

Katie laughed, feeling oddly pleased to be let in on a Sutter family joke.

Chuckling, Nettie continued. “I hate to think of the hours that woman has slaved over a hot stove stewing her fresh fruit and trying to outdo me. It’s prideful, I know. I reckon I’d better confess my sin before next communion.”

Katie’s mirth evaporated. She bowed her head. She had so much more than a little false pride to confess. What must Nettie think of her?

If Mrs. Sutter hoped her admission would prompt Katie to seek acceptance back among the Amish, she was sadly mistaken. Katie had no intention of talking to a bishop or anyone else about the choices she’d made in her life. She had made them. She would live with them.

After a few minutes of silence, Nettie said, “It must feel strange to see another family living in your childhood home.”

Relieved by the change of subject, Katie looked up to find her hostess watching her closely. “It was a bit of a shock.”

“It’s a good house, but I’d like a bigger porch. Elam has promised to build it this summer. I love to sit outside in the evenings and do my mending. That way I can enjoy a cup of coffee and the flowers in my garden while I watch the sun go down. Speaking of coffee, are you finished with yours?”

“Almost. Do you miss the home you left behind?”

“Jah, at times I do, but my oldest son and his wife still live on our farm in Pennsylvania, so I can go back for a visit as often as I like.”

“What made you leave?”

A fleeting look of sadness crossed Nettie face. “Elam wanted to come west. There’s more farm ground out here and it’s cheaper than back home. That, and there was some church trouble.”

Nettie busied herself at the stove and began scrambling eggs in a large cast-iron skillet. Katie waited for her to elaborate, but she didn’t. Although Katie found herself curious to hear more of the story, it was clear Nettie wasn’t willing to share.

Suddenly, Nettie began speaking again. “My daughter-in-law’s parents were talking about moving into the dawdy haus with one of their children. I would have welcomed the company, but then Elam told me he’d found this property.”

The Amish welcomed their elderly relatives and nearly all Amish farms had a second, smaller, “grandfather house” connected to the main home. Grandparents could live in comfort and remain a part of the family, helping to care for the children or with the farm work if they were able.

“Elam is my youngest, you know, and he’s without a wife yet. All my others are married. It just made sense for me to come with him and to keep house for him until he finds a wife of his own.”

“Not all men want to get married.” Katie was thinking more of Matt than Elam, but she did wonder why Nettie’s son was still single. Besides being a handsome man, he was kind, gentle and seemed to love children.

Nettie stopped stirring and stared out the window. “Elam was betrothed once.”

Katie recalled Elam’s comment about “once burned, twice shy” the first night when he was holding Rachel. Now she knew what he meant. “What happened?”

Nettie began stirring her eggs again. “Salome wasn’t the right one for him. It was better that they found it out before they were married, because she left the church.”

“After her baptism?”

“Jah.”

Katie knew what that meant. “She was shunned.”

“It was very hard on Elam. Especially after…” Nettie paused and stared out the kitchen window as though seeing unhappy things in the past.

“You don’t need to explain anything to me,” Katie said, gently. She considered Nettie a friend, and she was willing to respect her privacy.

Nettie glanced her way. The sorrow-filled look in her eyes touched Katie’s heart deeply. “It is no secret. You may hear it anyway. I’d rather you heard it from me. My husband also left the church a few months before he died.”

While the Amish religion might not be something Katie wanted for herself, she understood how deeply spiritual true believers were and how painful such an event would be to Nettie’s entire family. “I’m so sorry.”

“Danki. How are you feeling?”

“Better.”

It was true. Katie finished her drink, rose and carried her cup to the table, happy to find her dizziness didn’t return. As she sat down she thought she understood better why Elam disliked that she had left the faith. “That can’t have been easy for Elam or for any of you.”

Nettie looked over her shoulder with a sad little smile. “Life is not meant to be easy, child. That is why we pray for God’s strength to help us bear it.”

Katie didn’t want to depend on God for her strength. She had made her own mistakes. She was the one who would fix them.

The front door opened and Elam came in accompanied by a draft of chilly air. In his arms he held a small bassinet. He paused when he caught sight of Katie at the table. She could have sworn that a blush crept up his neck, but she decided she was mistaken. He nodded in her direction, then closed the door.

Nettie transferred her eggs from the stove top to a shallow bowl. “I was just getting ready to call you, Elam. Breakfast is ready.”

“Goot, I could use some coffee. The wind has a raw bite to it this morning. March is not going out like a lamb. At least the sun is shining. The ground will be glad of the moisture when this snow melts. It will help our spring planting.”

He hung his coat and black felt hat on the row of pegs beside the door, then he approached Katie. “I made your Rachel a better bed. It’ll be safer than setting her basket on a chair and it will keep her up off the drafty floor.”

The bassinet was about a third the size of the ones Katie had seen in the stores in the city when she had gone window-shopping and dreamed about things she could never afford for her baby. The picnic basket–size bed was finely crafted of wooden strips sanded smooth and glowing with a linseed oil finish. It had a small canopy at one end. “It’s lovely. You didn’t have to do this.”

“It was easy enough to make out of a few things I had on hand. It has double swing handles and the legs fold up so you can take it with you when you leave. Have you had time to write a letter to your brother? I’ll carry it to the mailbox for you.”

He wasn’t exactly pushing her out the door, but he was making it plain she couldn’t expect to stay longer than necessary.

She didn’t blame him. Katie knew she had been dependent on the Sutters’ charity for too long already. She’d never intended to take advantage of them and yet she was.

How could she explain that her brother—her only family—wouldn’t come to her aid? She might find shelter for herself and her baby at his home, but it would be on his terms and his terms alone.

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