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How to Live
Using a variety of research experiments, Zak found that those who give usually end up receiving in return. One person’s generosity can even increase the oxytocin levels in another. In other words, human beings appear hardwired for community. We prosper most when we extend trust and receive it in return. The economic models we learn in MBA programs would have us believe the opposite—that self-interest is the fundamental human motivator. Zak, by contrast, found that trusting and exhibiting generous behavior leads to reciprocal generosity and trust.
“The most important factor in determining whether or not a society does well or is impoverished,” Zak concluded, “is not natural resources, education, quality health care, or even the work ethic of its people. What matters most in determining outcomes is actually trustworthiness—a moral consideration.”
This sounds a good deal like the community Benedict sought to create, and the one he entrusts us to build today. He foresaw the dangers of radical self-interest of the kind that led to the economic meltdown of 2008 and to the Great Depression (as well as other economic crises before and since then), to practices like slavery and apartheid, and to so many of the world’s wars. No one is to pursue what he judges better for himself to the detriment of others. This Benedict counseled nearly two millennia before oxytocin was even discovered.
The Rule also has a message for those of us on call twenty-four seven, swirling in a maelstrom of email, texting, Twitter, and Snapchat. It beckons as a plea for balance. Benedict carved the monastic day into distinct periods for work, prayer, reading, leisure, and rest. He believed there is a time to work, and a time to stop work. As someone who has long suffered from a dual diagnosis of workaholic and overachieverism, The Rule showed me that it is possible to pause, to care for myself, and still be productive. With its focus on balance, The Rule helps orient my attention toward the sacred in the ordinary. It propels me to live every day.
In many ways, Benedict and his predecessors—the early monastics of the Egyptian desert—were among history’s first psychologists. They understood that in order to live in community—or even as hermits—they would have to confront the emotional demons that haunt us all. They discovered ways to leaven our natural tendencies toward anger, self-absorption, greed, depression, unhealthy appetites, and obsessions. They did this not by repressing those tendencies, but by recognizing we are not our thoughts and we are not our feelings. We can redirect our thoughts and feelings into constructive actions. Doing this allows us to confront life’s inevitable turbulence with equanimity. The emotional tools that The Rule lays out have been more valuable to me than any self-help book or therapy session.
The reflections in the pages that follow are my attempts to draw out the major themes of The Rule in practical takeaways that can lead to personal transformation. For many centuries, men and women who entered monasteries were expected to memorize The Rule in the same way they committed to memory the Psalms or traditional prayers. But as the Benedictine writer Mary Margaret Funk points out, The Rule is not something to be absorbed intellectually. It has to be lived. It has to take up residence in our inner life.
“Benedict’s great insight,” she writes in her memoir Out of the Depths, “was that the work of the monastery was not simply about men and women living apart from society in a community. The true work lay in how one developed the interior life.”
The happy news is that this also applies to people who don’t live in monasteries—people like you and me who are trying to nurture a family, succeed in a rapidly changing workplace, and grow old with a sense of purpose. The true monastic enclosure is the human heart.
While there is still time, while we are in this body and have time to accomplish all these things, let us run and do now what will profit us forever.
—FROM THE PROLOGUE
Happily too, St. Benedict promises to demand of us nothing harsh, nothing burdensome. He reminds us we are always only beginners on the path to a deeper interior life. The spiritual journey is not a flight on a supersonic jet, but a slow steady trek, like hiking the Appalachian Trail or walking El Camino de Santiago de Compostela. “The spiritual life is this,” a monastic elder from the Egyptian desert once said, “I rise and I fall. I rise and I fall.”
I used to think of monastic life as a hopeless throwback to the past, a case of let the last monk or sister standing turn out the lights. Now I look upon it as a window to the future we desperately need in our society: one that stresses community over competition, consensus over conflict, simplicity over self-gain, and silence over the constant chatter and distractions of our lives. And so we begin.
Is there anyone here who yearns for life and desires to see good days?
2
LISTEN WITH THE EAR OF THE HEART
On Paying Attention
Listen carefully my daughter, my son to my instructions and attend to them with the ear of your heart. This is advice from one who loves you; welcome it and faithfully put it into practice.
—FROM THE PROLOGUE
A few years ago, I had the opportunity to report on a talk that Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor gave to University of Illinois law students. It was not long after the sudden death of her colleague on the court, Justice Antonin Scalia. Scalia often sparred with Sotomayor and the other judges of the court’s so-called “progressive” wing. In one of his more colorful opinions, he accused opposing justices of engaging in the “jiggery-pokery” of devious behavior. He derided another majority opinion, of which Sotomayor was a part, as the equivalent of legal “applesauce.”
For her part, Sotomayor described Scalia as “the brother I loved, and sometimes wanted to kill.” How then, asked one of the law students, did the justices engage in these intense disagreements and still manage to collaborate? Sotomayor gave a very Benedictine answer. They listen to one another.
“You may not like what they’re proposing, but that doesn’t mean they’re doing it from an evil motive,” she said of her fellow jurists. Justices can passionately disagree, she said, “and still see the goodness in one another.” She offered a recommendation for dealing with professional—and personal—divisions. Less talking, more listening.
I’ve often marveled, that the first word of The Rule of St. Benedict isn’t pray, worship, or even love. It’s listen. This small, unobtrusive word speaks in a whisper. To anyone who studies Benedictine spirituality, the phrase listen … with the ear of the heart becomes so familiar we can easily lose sight of how revolutionary it is. Listening in the Benedictine sense is not a passive mission. Benedict tells us we must attend to listening. In some translations of The Rule, we are to actively incline ourselves toward it, and nurture it in our everyday activities. Listening is an act of will.
When I look at the failures and disappointments in my own life, I can often trace them to an operator error in listening—usually my own. Even though I earn my living as a journalist—which is to say I listen to other people’s stories for a living—in my private life I’m often like the doctor who is her own worst patient. I’m great at hearing my heart’s desire, but not so adept at hearing the messages I need to receive from others.
Perhaps it comes from being the youngest in my family and having had to fight to be heard. I am also a person of strong opinions. That too can be a prescription for tone-deafness. Once, a colleague whom I respect called me on a Saturday morning to tell me he thought I can come across too forcefully at staff meetings. My initial reaction: ridiculous! My second reaction was anger that someone I considered a friend would engage in what I felt was a personal attack.
Then I started listening with the ear of my heart. I mentally replayed the tapes of some recent meetings where I had voiced my opinion. I heard my own voice. I could see that what I might consider passionately advocating for a position, others might find argumentative and condescending.
A friend who is a counselor once suggested that when my husband and I disagree on something, instead of repeatedly hammering at our individual opinions, we might stop and each repeat to the other what he or she has said, ending with the question, “Am I understanding you correctly?” It’s amazing how many times I have to repeat what my husband has said before I get it right, and he must do the same. We listen through the echo chamber of our own perceptions. The Benedictine Rule calls us to not only listen, but to actually hear.
Obedience is a blessing to be shown by all, not only to the prioress or abbot, but also to one another, since we know that it is by way of this obedience that we go to God.
—FROM CHAPTER 71, “MUTUAL OBEDIENCE”
Listening cracks open the door to another Benedictine concept from which most of us would rather run,—that of obedience. My first reaction is to recoil from the word. It conjures memories of being sent to my room or the principal’s office for not doing what I was told. Obedience comes from the Latin, oboedire, to give ear, to harken, to listen. The Benedictine writer Esther de Waal says that obedience moves us from our “contemporary obsession with the self,” and inclines us toward others. For those living in a monastery, obedience isn’t merely a rigor to endure. St. Benedict describes it as gift—a blessing to be shown by all. In doing so, he moves beyond the common understanding of the word as solely an authoritarian, top-down dynamic. He stresses instead mutual obedience, a horizontal relationship where careful listening and consideration is due to each member of the community from each member, as brothers and sisters. It is by this way of obedience, he says, that we go to God.
In our western civilization, this is a counter-cultural message. We admire antiheroes like Holden Caulfield in Catcher in the Rye, Randle McMurphy in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, or Don Draper in Mad Men—outsiders who lurk at the margins, test the system. We honor trailblazers like Hildegard of Bingen, Eleanor Roosevelt, Dorothy Day, and others who refused the boundaries of traditional roles. But in their own way, those women were listeners too—hearers of a different song.
Most people in religious life have a story or two about the test of obedience. Usually it involves a seemingly insensitive superior who requires them to detour from a plan they had laid out for themselves. In her memoir Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope, the Benedictine sister and spiritual teacher Joan Chittister tells of being accepted to a Masters in Fine Arts creative writing program at Iowa State University. At the time, she was teaching high school English, but dreamed of writing the kind of literature she was presenting in class. The Iowa State program threw her a lifeline. She recalls how after she received her acceptance letter, “Every day was suddenly easier than it had ever been before. Every moment was light … I could afford to treat the daily nature of grades and papers and class periods lovingly. There was suddenly no burden to it at all. Just finality. Just conclusion. Just gratitude.”
That would all end in a single hurried conversation. In a complete reversal, her prioress at the time—the same one who encouraged her to apply to the MFA program—told her the dream of studying creative writing would have to wait. She was needed to work as a third cook (yes, third cook!) at a summer camp run by her monastery. Sister Joan needed the kitchen job, her superior said, to deepen her humility.
“And so began one of the greatest struggles in my life,” Sister Joan writes. “I now wonder how I could have become the person I was meant to be if I had ever become the writer I thought Iowa State would make me.”
As is often the case, we can’t see beyond immediate disappointment. In the end, what seemed an insurmountable setback only deepened Sister Joan’s conviction that she was meant to write. She overcame the confines of her superior’s order by writing in her spare time with an even greater fervor. Having published dozens of books that have sold more than a million copies, she says she now looks back at that dark disappointment as the moment she realized no obstacle could deter her from her twin vocations, as a Benedictine and a writer.
Sister Irene Nowell of Mount St. Scholastica Monastery in Kansas is one of the world’s foremost Scripture scholars. But that is not the path she envisioned for herself. She arrived at her monastery an accomplished cellist. She expected to continue her musical studies in graduate school. Instead, her prioress informed her she would have to study German. “I said, ‘Mother, I don’t want a degree in German,’” Sister Irene recalls.
“She said, ‘That’s not the right answer.’ So I went off to get a degree in German.”
Many years later, Sister Irene asked to study Scripture at St. John’s University in Minnesota. “I got hooked on Scripture,” she says. “And do you know what they said? They told me the German degree was the best preparation I could have had because at that point so much of the research on Scripture had been written in German.”
Scripture—and music—became the defining themes of her life. She has written a translation of the Psalms for her community’s Liturgy of the Hours and was one of the scholars who worked on the English translation of the revised Catholic Bible as well as the St. John’s Bible, the first illuminated Bible in five hundred years, commissioned by St. John’s Abbey in Minnesota.
“So what the prioress did for me in forcing me to study German was really prophetic,” Sister Irene now says.
The stories of these two Benedictine women remind me that I have to listen not only to my inner voice, but to outside—and sometimes unwelcome—voices as well, like that of my colleague who warned that my strong opinions can sometimes be grating. Disappointment is often a useful teacher. Can I have the courage to listen to it, to discern where it might be leading me?
Let us open our eyes to the light that comes from God and our ears to the voice from the heavens that everyday calls out this charge: If you hear God’s voice today, harden not your hearts (Ps 95:8). And again, You that have ears to hear, listen to what the Spirit says. (Rv 2:7).
—FROM THE PROLOGUE
In listening with the ear of the heart, I’ve often discovered wisdom comes from what at first might seem an unlikely source. My father finished high school by attending night classes while working during the day. He earned his living as a truck driver. I, with my advanced degrees, often dismissed what he had to say. I know now that while my book learning might have given me knowledge, it didn’t necessarily make me wise. My father had a staple of sayings he was fond of repeating. One of them was, “When you’re hungry you eat, when you’re tired, you sleep.” That one used to draw some of the loudest guffaws. I guess I thought it was a stupidly self-evident statement. But there have been periods in my writing career when I have been so self-driven, I literally forgot to eat. I neglected to get enough sleep. At one point, when I was making an ample salary at one of the largest newspapers in the country, I landed in the hospital suffering from exhaustion and malnutrition—both self-inflicted wounds—and had to spend four months recuperating.
Suddenly my father’s little saying didn’t seem so stupid. It contained wisdom worthy of the Book of Proverbs. It’s something I still need to remind myself of, daily.
I experienced a similar lesson in listening when my husband and I led a retreat one Lent in rural Semmes, Alabama. Semmes is such a small community that when I asked for directions from the pastor of the church we would be visiting, he said, “Just roll into town on the main road, pass a cotton field and the Dollar General, and you can’t miss the church.”
On the first night of the retreat, I arrived early at the parish hall to collate the handouts, set up the CD player, and test the projector for the opening PowerPoint presentation. I became vaguely aware of an older woman flittering around the hall, sometimes talking to herself. I remember thinking, “I’d like to talk to this woman, just not now. I’m busy.”
I glanced over at the table I had been planning to use as a kind of altar. Someone had covered the table with a white linen cloth and placed an elaborate bronze crucifix in the center, along with a vase of fresh flowers.
“How do you like the way I fixed up the altar?” the woman said. “That crucifix there, that’s been in my family for generations.”
The woman I had been trying to avoid had brought the altar cloth, the flowers, and the crucifix. She not only decorated the altar, she had also brewed the coffee and baked a cake—the only cake anyone had brought to share.
I learned her name was Eva. On the second night of the retreat, Eva brought some poems she had written. One was a loving chronicle of the characters she meets on her weekly pilgrimages to the Dollar General. My husband and I thought the poem was so moving, we asked Eva to read it to the retreat group. It was early spring, and Eva talked about being an avid gardener. She said she wakes at dawn to look for new shoots beginning to break through the soil. They remind her that every day nature is renewing itself, and so are we. I soon figured out that any wisdom anyone was going to take away from the retreat wasn’t going to come from my husband or me, but from Eva.
We returned home from Alabama a few days before Easter. Two cards were waiting in the mailbox. One was an Easter card from my sister. The other was from Eva.
“Hope you all have a blessed Easter,” Eva wrote. “I think of you two often. Writers are like gardeners. They both grow things. When I lose someone close to me now, I don’t send flowers anymore. I write a poem for the family and frame it. Poems last longer.”
Who are the wise ones in our lives—like my father, like Eva? Whose words to us have been difficult to hear? Are we missing a message within the message? Are we listening with the ear of the heart?
For reflection:
3
RUN WITH THE LIGHT
On Waking Up
Let us get up then, at long last, for the Scriptures rouse us when they say: “It is high time to arise from sleep.” (Rom 13:11)
—FROM THE PROLOGUE
There is a wonderful scene in the novel Zorba the Greek in which Zorba tells the young foreman he’s befriended about meeting a ninety-year-old man who planted an almond tree.
“What, Grandfather, planting an almond tree!” Zorba exclaims, guessing the old man won’t live long enough to see the tree bear fruit.
“My son, I carry on as if I should never die,” the old man says.
Zorba replies, “And I carry on as if I was going to die any minute.”
“Which of us was right, boss?” Zorba asks the young foreman.
I tend to agree with Zorba. I like to think I try to live my life fully, as if I might die any minute. In college, I had a writing professor named James C. G. Conniff who routinely railed about students he felt were sleepwalking through life. The Jesuit writer Anthony de Mello writes, “Most people, even though they don’t know it, are asleep. They’re born asleep, they live asleep, they marry in their sleep, they breed children in their sleep, they die in their sleep, without every waking up. They never understand the loveliness and the beauty of this thing we call human existence.” Even a long life is no guarantee that any of us will ever awaken from our emotional stupor.
That same sense of urgency to “wake up!” permeates the Benedictine Rule. It is especially pronounced in the early chapters. We need to get serious, St. Benedict seems to be saying, about living what the poet Mary Oliver calls our “one wild and precious life.” Action verbs prevail here.
Let us open our eyes to the light that comes from God …
The Lord waits for us daily to translate into action his holy teachings …
Let us set out on this way with the Gospel for our guide …
We will never arrive unless we run there by doing good deeds …
Are you hastening toward your heavenly home? …
And one of my favorite lines in all of The Rule:
Run while you have the light of life, that the darkness of death may not overtake you.
Yearn. Love. Pray. Renounce. Respect. Live. All words that pop up early on in The Rule.
Most mornings, I rise around 4 A.M. to the sound of a thwack against our front door. It is the signature of Lauren or Junie, one of our two paper carriers, carrying out a line of work that one day soon will likely go the way of the milkman, the TV repairman, and the doctor who made house calls. Sometimes I am swift enough and awake enough to open the door and give one or the other a greeting. That never fails to startle them, accustomed as they are to seeing only dark and silent houses at that hour of the morning. I used to just scoop up the New York Times and dash back inside. But lately I’ve taken to lingering outside for a few minutes. I survey our front yard, the other houses on the block, and the sky at that moment when the birds begin their morning calls. The moon is still stationed overhead, and daylight is starting to creep onto the horizon.
I witness some strange and wonderful sights. Once it was a skunk exiting from between two bushes. It must have been a polite skunk, as I don’t recall it leaving behind its traditional calling card. Often there are rabbits romping across the grass. They become quite still at my arrival, as if they are imitating statues. Other days, a snake or a slug on the front step. One morning I will never forget, I happened to look up just as a shooting star streaked across the sky. I felt so lucky to have been watching at that precise moment. I should say here that our house isn’t in the middle of some prairie. It sits in the heart of a university town, so a shooting star or undomesticated animal isn’t something you are likely to see. Unless, of course, you’re paying attention.
