Two plays. Maiden forest. The adventures of yumi

Alexey. Well, Veniamin, I’m sorry. I’ve been too hasty. [He comes up to Venya and hugs him.]

Venya. Only fools rely on their present-day superiority. When flood comes the fish eat the ants. But when water dries the ants eat the fish.

Alexey. There’s my dear philosopher, Augustine! I love you so much for that. [He hugs and kisses Venya, the latter tries to kick him off.]

Fyodor. You are just like children, really.

Alexey. Don’t worry, Venya, we will find you a woman. With breasts this big!

Venya. That’s what I love.

Alexey. Did you see the way Natasha’s friend looked at you this morning?

Venya. Oh yes, yes, yes! A gorgeous girl. Oon bell fam!

Fyodor. You are at it again, Don Juans.

Alexey. [To Venya.] What is her name?

Venya. Khlora!

Alexey. A hot little number!

Venya. Do you think it’s her real name?

Alexey. Who cares? She is what you need!

Venya. [Singing in a soft voice.] «I sought my love in the maiden forest.»

Alexey. [Singing along with Venya.] «With a mocking singer, I spent the night in a stack…»

Fyodor. The girls were just kidding! They didn’t want to bother with the tire. So they found us, old fools, to help them put the spare on.

Venya. Hey ho. We should have asked their phone numbers.

Alexey. You’re right, buddy, we failed at that.

Fyodor. They must be enjoying their drinks while sitting in their bungalows on this Sunny Beach. And mocking at you.

Venya. Alexey! Why should you have to let the driver go?

Alexey. Look who woke up, an old ladies’ man.

Pause.

Alexey. Fyodor, is this Sunny Beach far from here?

Fyodor. It’s about twenty kilometers as the crow flies. If you and Venya hit the road now, you’ll get there right in time for dinner. It will make the girls’ day!

Alexey. Funny as a crutch.

Venya. Treh bi-ahn! Ha-ha-ha.

Alexey. And I am telling you that they will come here tonight!

Venya. You got it!

Fyodor. You are nothing but sexual maniacs.

Alexey. They will leave the ride there and come back by taxi. Natasha promised me.

Venya. Fyodor, do you have a razor? I should scrape my chin.

Fyodor. You are handsome just the way you are, Venya.

Alexey. I once knew a woman. She was a teacher at school. And she loved when I moved my unshaven jaw across her back, between the shoulder blades.

Venya. Boy oh boy!

Fyodor. Ugh… spare me the details, gentlemen. [He goes inside.]

Venya. So, Alexey, does it really work with the unshaven jaw?

Alexey. Depends on a girl.

Fyodor comes back with a large bottle of cold beer.

Fyodor. Dear soldiers of the dating front, let me offer you some refreshment. [He pours the beer into the mugs.]

Venya. A cold one!

Fyodor. I wanted to ask you to come hunt with me tomorrow. Shoot a boar maybe. I even took the rifle with me for such an occasion. [The three of them clink their mugs and drink beer.]

Venya. Gosh, it’s so good! And we’ve got our own hunt here.

Alexey. Yep! [He does duck lips.] A duck hunt!

Venya. Yes! Yes. We are ducks, decoy ducks.

Venya and Alexey quack, imitate ducks with their walk and movements. Meanwhile, Tatyana approaches the gate, enters Fyodor’s garden plot, and walks towards the house. The men don’t see her.

Tatyana. Hello there!

Venya. Oh! It worked! Hello there!

Alexey. Hello, mysterious stranger.

Fyodor. Tatyana. I’m glad you dropped in. May I introduce my friends: Donald Duck and Launchpad McQuack.

Alexey. Alexey and Veniamin. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Venya. Tatyana, enchanté! My friends call me Venya.

Tatyana. Nice to meet you, jolly fellows.

Fyodor. Are you here for a reason?

Venya and Alexey exchange quizzical looks.

Tatyana. I’m going grocery shopping in town. Just came by to ask if you need anything.

Fyodor. No, I think we are good.

Ignatych enters the garden plot, walks towards the terrace.

Ignatych. Hello, summerfolk! Happy Pentecost Sunday!

Tatyana. Hello, Mikhail Ignatych. Same to you.

Fyodor. Hi, Ignatych. How’s retired life treating you?

Ignatych. Everything is fine, but it’s not something to envy. Have you heard the news? The word is that they want to raise the retirement age. To sixty-five years old for men. And to the gills for women.

Venya. Codswallop, I say! People don’t even live this long.

Alexey. They want to raise it and they will. And we will live a European life.

Ignatych. Uh-huh. A European life. And those who don’t make it to retirement will be cremated and continue working inside hourglasses.

Venya steps aside towards the house, paces out the distance from the gazebo to the house, then from the porch to the directional signpost. Fyodor takes the beer bottle and pours the beer into a clean mug.

Fyodor. Help yourself, Ignatych. Fresh and cold.

Ignatych takes the mug and drinks.

Fyodor. [To Tatyana.] I remembered: Buy a loaf of dark rye bread, please, would you?

Tatyana. Alright. I’ll get it here tonight.

Ignatych puts the empty mug on the table.

Ignatych. Here’s what I’ve come to tell you, Fyodor. I went to get some water from the well this morning. And as I was going back, I saw three men standing in the next street. One of them was Ivan Moray. He got out of jail this spring. Another one was someone with a false gold tooth capping. And the third one… I’ve immediately recognized him: It was Artyom, your stepson.

Fyodor. Artyom? That’s odd.

Alexey. What a surprise!

Ignatych. I’m sure it was him. I have a good memory for faces.

Fyodor. He must have got parole.

Tatyana. Fyodor, isn’t it dangerous? You told me that Artyom threatened you.

Fyodor. Let’s see them try to come here. I have enough bullets for all of them.

Alexey. You can’t shoot down all the fools.

Ignatych. I’ve deliberately walked past Moray’s house now. All clear.

Fyodor. Thank you, Ignatych.

Tatyana. Maybe they left?

Ignatych. Maybe they did. Who knows what these junkies are up to. Fyodor, just keep in mind that your stepson is roaming free with some crooks in tow. Take care!

Ignatych leaves.Scene 4Twilight. Moray’s house.Natalia, Khlora.

Khlora. I’m scared, Natasha. I am so scared…

Natalia. Khlora, it’s too late to change your mind.

Khlora. I didn’t sign up for murder!

Natalia fetches a slap across Khlora’s face.

Natalia. Shut up, you fool of a woman. Are you suicidal? Chopper won’t just let us go.

Khlora. Chopper, this god damned cop, did schmooze you too. Are you fearing for your daughter’s life?

Natalia. I’ll go to any lengths for the sake of my Svetlana. Any.

Khlora. Oh please, Natasha, let me go. Honest to God, I won’t tell anyone!

Natalia. God can hardly help us now.

Khlora. What should we do then?

Natalia. Listen, Khlora. Just do what you should do.

Khlora. It’s terrifying.

Natalia. You will get some money, find a good hospital for your father. Think of yourself too. This is a once-in-a-lifetime chance!

Khlora. It’s like jumping into the deep end.

Natalia. Here, take it. You are going to add one tablet to Veniamin’s drink. He stared at you so longingly this morning.

Khlora. A funny old chap. [She takes the tablets and puts them in her pocket.]

Natalia. I will handle Alexey. We will get the job done and make enough money for years ahead. Chopper delivers on his promises.

Khlora. Chopper is a douchebag. A werewolf! Why did Ivan even consort with him?

Natalia. Don’t be afraid. Chopper is dancing to someone else’s pipe too.

Khlora. If only I knew who is the boss.

Natalia. The less you know, the longer you live. We’ll put those old men to sleep and you and Moray will get your fair share. You will be able to skip this town forever. And I will get my daughter back.

Khlora. Easier said than done. And what if those old guys die? This would make me a sinner.

Natalia. There is no repentance without a sin.

Khlora. And if we repent, will we be saved?

Pause.

Natalia. Have you already told Moray?

Khlora. [She lays her hands upon her belly but quickly takes them off.] No. Ivan doesn’t know anything.

Natalia. It’s for the best. You will tell him the good news when it’s all over.

Khlora. He swears by God that he loves me. A funny little fellow.

Natalia. Think about your future, Khlora.

Khlora. No one ever loved me.

Natalia. You’ve got a chance to hit the jackpot.

Khlora. They all just used me.

Natalia. Soon you will take everything you ever wanted from life and even more!

Khlora. But Ivan loves me.

Natalia. He does, he does. And he will love your baby too.

Khlora. I will help Ivan. I’ll only do it for our baby. Not for the sake of money. But for the sake of our brighter future.

Chopper and Slav enter.

Chopper. [To Natalia.] So?

Natalia. All good.

Chopper. It’s time.

Slav. [To Natalia.] Mind you don’t screw up.

Natalia. Not my first rodeo.

Chopper. [Taking out his phone and making a call.] Frost, the whores are ready.

Everyone leaves.Scene 5

Late evening. Fyodor Kolosov’s summer cottage. Solar-powered lanterns light up the paths. There is a light in the windows of the first floor covered by curtains. The summer terrace is illuminated by the warm light of a Chinese lantern.

Venya is sitting at the table on the terrace. Khlora is standing next to him with a glass in her hands. There are shish-kebabs, snacks, and bottles with beverages on the table.

Venya. I am so glad you came back to us, Khlora.

Khlora. Pour me some more wine.

Venya. [Pouring himself and Khlora more wine.] I already got pretty pickled though.

Khlora. Your friend has a beautiful house.

Venya. Fyodor always had a good taste in everything. You should see his beer mug collection!

Khlora. Are you married?

Venya. I’m playing the field.

Khlora. Do you make a lot of money?

Venya. It’s never too much money. All I want is to retire as soon as possible and go on a round-the-world trip.

Khlora. So you are a romantic.

Venya. A while back a desire sparked inside of me. And I am willing to change my life dramatically for the sake of it.

Khlora snuggles up to Venya.

Venya. Fyodor spared me a room on the second floor, shall we?

Venya takes the bottle of wine and glasses and goes to the house together with Khlora. Fyodor comes out of the house with a bath cap on his head and a towel on his shoulder.

Fyodor. You sure you don’t want to go?

Khlora. We’ll do that some other time.

Venya. I had enough bathing for today.

Fyodor. Well, it’s up to you.

Venya. [To Khlora.] These jokers doused me with the well water. I’ve still got a rasped throat.

Fyodor. Cold training never hurt nobody, Venya. Bless you!

Venya and Khlora go inside. A few minutes later, the light shines through a window of the second floor. Fyodor sits down at the table in the gazebo, pours beer into a big jug, and drinks it with relish. Alexey and Natalia are walking along the path from the direction of the banya. They are fresh-faced and wear bathrobes. Fyodor notices them, takes two mugs, and fills them with beer.

Fyodor. I hope you enjoyed your bath!

Alexey. Thanks, mate.

Natalia. Your banya is wonderful.

Alexey. I adore women who are fond of taking a steam-bath.

Natalia. And I respect men who adore women.

Fyodor. Let’s drink to friendship and understanding!

The three of them clink their mugs and drink beer.

Alexey. It’s so nice here!

Fyodor. So nice here, so nice here, go and grab another beer.

Alexey. I threw some more wood in the stove. The temperature there is just as you like it, Fyodor.

Fyodor. Alright. I’ll go now. Remember me kindly.

Natalia. See ya.

Fyodor walks along the path towards the banya, humming an unsophisticated melody.

Alexey. Let’s do it again in about an hour. [He wraps his arms around Natalia’s waist and holds her tight.]

Natalia. You seem to be in a good shape, Alexey.

Alexey. I remember! I remember now where I’ve seen you.

Natalia pulls away from Alexey.

Alexey. A few years ago, there was this Passion Empire massage parlor. It was the time when I was reelected and hit the bottle.

Pause.

Natalia. I recognized you at once this morning, Mister Deputy. Have I really changed so much?

Alexey. But that was another life.

Natalia. I don’t remember. I don’t.

Alexey. «I sought my love in the maiden forest. With a mocking singer, I spent the night in a stack.»

Natalia. Let it be our little secret. [She kisses Alexey on the mouth, stands up, and takes away the dishes from the table.]

Alexey. [He finishes his beer, yawns, and stretches.] Now that’s some good beer. The beer we drank in the banya smacked somehow badly.

The light in the window of the second floor flickers and then goes out.

Natalia. Beer is still beer. Here, have a bite. [She gives him a snack from the table.] Let’s dim the lights down. They attract mosquitos. [She steps up to the light switch at the entrance to the gazebo and dims the lights.]

Alexey. Uh-huh… [Yawning again.] Darkness is a teenagers’ friend. [His head droops down, he lays it on the table and falls asleep.]

Natalia. That’s it. [She takes the bottle of vodka from the table, pours some into her glass, drinks it in one draught without having a snack.] The Rubicon is crossed.

Khlora comes out of the house, bringing Natalia’s clothes with her. Natalia takes her clothes, slips out of the bathrobe, and changes quickly.

Khlora. Veniamin. Old coot. [She takes the bottle of vodka, takes a sip straight out of it, rinses her mouth, spits on the ground.]

Natalia. Is he sleeping?

Khlora. Like a rock. He went out like a lamp.

Natalia. This is good. It means we’re on track.

Natalia takes out her mobile phone and presses the call button.

Natalia. Chopper. We are ready. [She stops the call.] Khlora! In the banya, there is a padlock on the door handle. Go and lock Kolosov down.

Khlora walks along the path towards the banya. At this moment, Chopper and Moray appear by the gate. They quickly enter the garden plot, approach the gazebo. Moray carries a truncheon.

Chopper. [To Moray.] Tie him.

Moray produces a plastic cable tie from the pocket of his jacket. He puts the hands of sleeping Alexey behind his back and ties them up with the cable tie. Then he ties Alexey’s legs, pushes him down from the chair to the floor.

Natalia. Kolosov is in the banya. The third one is inside, on the upper floor.

Moray. Where is Khlora?

Natalia. I sent her to lock the banya. It has no windows, only an air-hole. The old man isn’t going anywhere.

Chopper. [To Moray.] Wait for me here.

Chopper goes inside. Khlora is coming back. She walks along the path from the direction of the banya, holding the key to the padlock. She steps up to Natalia and gives her the key. Moray approaches Khlora, hugs her shoulders, and kisses her neck.

Moray. It’s alright, my darling. You did great.

Chopper comes out of the house, approaches the gazebo. Natalia gives him the key.

Chopper. Relax, Khlora. You’ve done your part. I can be grateful.

Khlora. Screw you.

Natalia. Think about your future, Khlora.

Chopper. Natalia! You know what to do next.

Natalia. Khlora, let’s go.

Moray. [To Khlora.] Soon we will be together. Wait for it.

Natalia and Khlora leave. Chopper and Moray get black balaclavas and put them on.

Chopper. Moray, I need Kolosov alive.

Moray. I’ll deal with it. Not a day in jail went by where I didn’t think about settling scores with this scum.

Chopper. It’s time to pay the piper.

Chopper and Moray go towards the banya. Tatyana enters the garden plot through the gate, walks towards the gazebo with a loaf of bread in her hand. Some bustle and dull thuds can be heard from the banya.

Tatyana. Are they sleeping? It’s not that late, I guess. Hello? Fyodor, where are you all?

Tatyana approaches the gazebo, sees Alexey, and puts the bread on the table.

Tatyana. What kind of joke is that? Alexey, are you alright? Why are your hands tied? [She tugs at Alexey’s shoulder, holds his wrist, and checks the pulse.] The pulse is weak. [She tries to check Alexey’s pupils but cannot see anything in the dark.] He is soaked. It’s like he got food poisoning. [She starts to her feet.] He needs an ambulance. Fyodor, Venya, where are you? [She stops short, hearing the noise and voices of Chopper and Moray.]

Chopper. What a hulk of a man.

Moray. He stroke me with a log.

Chopper. Help him put on his trousers, or he’s gonna freeze his balls off. Kolosov, don’t move. We need to talk.

Moray. You piece of shit! Take that!

Chopper. Now tie down his legs.

Moray. You are ours now.

Chopper. Get him. Don’t move, old man, or you’ll make it worse.

Tatyana finds a place to hide. Chopper and Moray drag Fyodor, beaten and scantily dressed, through the grass. Fyodor’s hands and legs are tied with cable ties, his mouth is taped. Tatyana quickly makes her way towards the gate. She is lurking, waiting. Chopper and Moray do not see her. They drag Fyodor onto the path and stop by the signpost.

Chopper. Hold on! I’ve dropped my phone in the banya. Go and take it.

Moray walks towards the banya. Chopper is waiting for him. Fyodor is lying on the grass.

Moray. Chopper! The door got jammed shut, help me open it.

Chopper. Prick.

Chopper leaves. Tatyana leaves the garden through the gate and bumps into Slav dressed in police uniform.

Slav. Hello there!

Tatyana. Help me! Some bandits attacked my friend!

Slav. We’ll get it all sorted out. Don’t worry. What happened?

Tatyana. You have to call for backup.

Slav. Let’s step aside so no one would see us. What is your name?

Tatyana and Slav leave. The noise of Chopper and Moray trying to open the jammed door can be heard from somewhere around the banya. Fyodor groans. He stirs and tries to break the ties on his hands and legs, raises himself onto his knees in an attempt to get to his feet but falls to the ground.

The end of Act I.

ACT II

Scene 6

Night. Moray’s house.

Artyom is sitting on a chair, holding the rifle. There is an open box of bullets on the table. Natalia is sitting in the armchair by the stove, with her back to the door. Khlora is taped to a chair, she is gagged.

Artyom. Bitch. She bit my hand through.

Natalia. Let Khlora go, Jacket! This wasn’t the deal.

Artyom. Chopper arranged everything for you. He told us to screw you too if you try anything. As for your daughter, we’ll take care of her.

Natalia. I will cut your throats for my Svetlana.

Artyom. So stay put. Chopper delivers on his promises.

Natalia. What a nasty piece of work you are, Artyom. You dragged your buddy, Moray, into this crap. Chopper will finish him off.

Artyom. Every man for himself.

Natalia. You are not a stupid fellow. Let Khlora go. And go yourself.

Artyom. Chopper won’t harm her. He only told to keep her back so that she wouldn’t kick up a row. We are not savages.

Pause.

Natalia. Do you think Chopper will let us live when he gets the icons? Will he give us our shares?

Artyom. Chopper is only a sidekick. But Frost covers up for me. He loved my mother ever since school. Then she got married to Kolosov and died.

Natalia. Kolosov seems to have crossed you all.

Artyom. I hate the bastard.

Slav enters. He is still dressed in police uniform, his face is all scratched up. He pulls Tatyana inside. Tatyana’s hands are tied, she has a hood over her head. Slav forces Tatyana to the floor.

Slav. Don’t move, bitch. Or you’ll get some more. [He ties Tatyana up and checks if the rope is tight.]

Natalia. Why did you bring this skank here?

Slav. This is Kolosov’s wench. She saw everything. Meant to turn us in.

Artyom gets out of the chair, still holding the rifle, and steps back to the fireplace.