Wife 22

The motorcycle takes up precious space in our small driveway. More than once I’ve accidentally tapped it while pulling in.

“One of these days I’ll start driving it again.”

“You’ve been saying that for years. And every year we keep on paying the excise tax and the insurance.”

“Yes, but I mean it now. Soon,” he says.

“Soon what?”

“Soon I’ll be driving it,” he repeats. “More than I have been.”

“Mm-hmm,” I say, distracted, going back to my computer.

“Wait. That’s all you want to talk about? The motorcycle?”

“William, you came looking for me, remember?”

And no, the motorcycle is not all I want to talk about. I want to have a conversation with my husband that goes deeper than insurance policies and taxes and what time will you be home and did you call the guy about the gutters, but we seem to be stuck here floating around on the surface of our lives like kids in a pool propped up on those Styrofoam noodles.

“And there’s plenty of things we can talk about,” I say.

“Like what?”

Now is my chance to tell him about the marriage study—oh, you wouldn’t believe the ridiculous thing I signed up for and they ask the craziest questions but it’s for the good of science because you know there is a science to marriage, you may not believe it but it’s true—but I don’t. Instead I say, “Like how I’m trying, completely unsuccessfully mind you, to convince the third-grade parents that the geese are the most important roles in the school play, even though the geese don’t have any lines. Or we could talk about our son, Peter, I mean, Pedro, being gay. Or I could ask you about KKM. Still working on semiconductors?”

“Band-Aids.”

“Poor baby. Are you stuck on Band-Aids?” I sing that line. I can’t help myself.

“We don’t know if Peter is gay,” says William, sighing. We’ve had this conversation many times before.

“He may be.”

“He’s twelve.”

“Twelve is not too early to know. I just have a feeling. A sense. A mother knows these sorts of things. I read this article about all these tweens coming out in middle school. It’s happening earlier and earlier. I bookmarked it. I’ll email it to you.”

“No, thank you.”

“William, we should educate ourselves. Prepare.”

“For what?”

“For the fact that our son might be gay.”

“I don’t get it, Alice. Why are you so invested in Peter’s sexuality? Are you saying you want him to be gay?”

“I want him to know we support him no matter what his sexual orientation. No matter who he is.”

“Right. Okay. Well, I have a theory. You think if Peter’s gay you’ll never lose him. There’ll be no competition. You’ll always be the most important woman in his life.”

“That’s absurd.”

William shakes his head. “It would be a harder life for him.”

“You sound like a homophobe.”

“I’m not a homophobe, I’m a realist.”

“Look at Nedra and Kate. They’re one of the happiest couples we know. No one discriminates against them and you love Nedra and Kate.”

“Love has nothing to do with not wanting your children to be discriminated against unnecessarily. And Nedra and Kate wouldn’t be happy if they didn’t live in the Bay Area. The Bay Area is not the real world.”

“And being gay is not a choice. Hey, he could be bisexual. I never thought of that. What if he’s bisexual?”

“Great idea. Let’s shoot for that,” says William, leaving my office.

I log on to Facebook once he’s gone and check my news feed, scrolling through the status update chaff.

Shonda Perkins

Likes PX-90.

2 minutes ago

Tita De La Reyes

IKEEEEAAAAA!!!! Hell—somebody ran over my foot with their shopping cart.

5 minutes ago

Tita De La Reyes

IKEEEEAAAAA!!!! Heaven—Swedish meatballs and lingonberries for $3.99.

11 minutes ago

William Buckle

Fall, falling …

1 hour ago

Wait, what? William has a new post and he’s not quoting Winston Churchill or the Dalai Lama? Poor William is one of those Facebook posters who has a hard time thinking of anything original to say. Facebook gives him stage fright. But this post has an undeniably ominous ring to it. Is that what he came to talk to me about? I have to go ask him what he meant, but first I’ll send out a quick post of my own.

Alice Buckle is educating herself.

DELETE

Alice Buckle is stuck on Band-Aids.

DELETE

Alice Buckle blames her chickens.

SHARE

Suddenly my Facebook chat pops up.

Phil Archer What did the poor chickens do?

It’s my father.

Honey, Alice. R u there?

Hi Dad. I’m in a hurry. Have to go find W before he leaves for work. Can we talk tomorrow?

Date tonight.

You have a date?? With who?

I’ll let you know who if there’s a second date.

Oh. Okay. Well, have a great time!

U not worried about me? STD’s 80% increase in people over 70.

Dad prefer not discuss yr sex life.

WHO ELSE DISCUSS SEX LIFE?

Caps means shouting.

WELL AWARE OF THAT. Thank u for check. It arrived early this month. Gd thing. Property taxes overdue. Stay. Talk 2 me.

Next month I can send more $. This month tight. Zoe lost retainer. Again. Did u change to energy efficient bulbs like I told u?

Will today. Promise. What’s new with u?

Peter may b gay.

Not new.

Zoe embarrassed by me.

Not new either.

Endless to-do list. Can’t keep up.

Dad?

Dad?

One day u look back & realize this is the best part of life. Going going going. Always something to do. Someone expecting you to walk in the door.

Oh, Dad. Yr right. I’m sorry.

:)

I’ll call tmr. B careful out there.

Love u

U 2

The smell of toast drifts into my office. I shut off my computer and walk into the kitchen in search of William, but everybody’s gone. The only sign of my family is a stack of dishes piled high in the sink. Fall, falling will have to wait for later.

10

My cell rings. I don’t have to pick it up to know it’s Nedra. We have this weird telepathic telephone thing. I think of Nedra and Nedra calls.

“I just got my hair cut,” she says. “And Kate told me I look like Florence Henderson. And when I asked her who the bloody hell Florence Henderson was she told me I looked like Shirley Jones. A Pakistani Shirley Jones!”

“She said that?” I say, trying not to laugh.

“She certainly did,” huffs Nedra.

“That’s terrible. You’re Indian, not Pakistani.”

I adore Kate. Thirteen years ago, when I met her, I knew within five minutes that she was perfect for Nedra. I hate that line you complete me, but in Kate’s case it was true. She was Nedra’s missing half: an earnest, Brooklyn-born, say-it-like-it-is social worker, the person Nedra could count upon not to sugarcoat things. Everybody needs somebody like that in their life. I, unfortunately, have too many people like that in my life.

“Sweetheart,” I say. “You got a shag?”

“No, it’s not a shag, it’s layered. My neck looks ever so long now.”

Nedra pauses for a moment. “Oh, fuck me,” she says. “It’s a shag and I look like a turkey. And now it seems I’ve grown this little Julia Child hump on the back of my neck. What’s next? A wattle? How did this happen? I don’t know why I let that slut Lisa talk me into this.”

Lisa, our mutual hairdresser, is not a slut, although she has also steered me in the wrong direction several times. There was an unfortunate burgundy henna phase. And bangs—women with thick hair should never have bangs. Now I keep my hair shoulder-length with a few face-framing layers. On a good day people tell me I look like Anne Hathaway’s older sister. On a bad day, like Anne Hathaway’s mother. Just do what you did last time is the instruction I give to Lisa. I find this philosophy works well in many circumstances: sex, ordering a venti soy latte at Starbucks, and helping Peter/Pedro with his algebra homework. However, it’s no way to live.

“I did something. I’m doing something. Something I shouldn’t be doing,” I confess.

“Is there a paper trail?” asks Nedra.

“No. Yes. Maybe. Does email count?”

“Of course email counts.”

“I’m taking part in a survey. An anonymous survey. On marriage in the twenty-first century,” I whisper into the phone.

“There’s no such thing as anonymity. Not in the twenty-first century and certainly not online. Why in God’s name are you doing that?”

“I don’t know. I thought it would be a lark?”

“Be serious, Alice.”

“All right. Okay. Fine. I guess I feel like it’s time to take stock.”

“Stock of what?”

“Um—my life. Me and William.”

“What, are you going through some sort of midlife thing?”

“Why does everyone keep asking me that?”

“Answer the question.”

I sigh. “Maybe.”

“This can only lead to heartbreak, Alice.”

“Well, don’t you ever wonder if everything’s okay? I mean not just on the surface, but really, deeply okay?”

“No.”

“Really?”

“Really, Alice. I know everything’s okay. You don’t feel that way about William?”

“It’s just that we’re so distracted. I feel like each of us is a line item on the other’s list that we’re just hurrying to check off. Is that a horrible thing to say?”

“Is it true?”

“Sometimes.”

“Come on, Alice. There’s something else you’re not telling me. What brought all this on?”

I think about explaining to Nedra about my tipping-point year, but honestly, as close as we are, she hasn’t lost a parent and she wouldn’t understand. She and I don’t talk much about my mother. I save that for the Mumble Bumbles, a bereavement support group that I’ve been a member of for the past fifteen years. Even though I haven’t seen them recently, I’m Facebook friends with all of them: Shonda, Tita, and Pat. Yes, I know it’s a funny name. We started off being the Mother Bees, then became the Mumble Bees, then somehow it morphed into the Mumble Bumbles.

“I just wonder sometimes if we can make it through another forty years. Forty years is a long time. Don’t you think that’s worth examining now that we’re nearly twenty years in?” I ask.

“Olivia Newton-John!” shouts Kate in the background. “That’s who I meant to say you looked like. The Let’s Get Physical album!”

“In my experience it’s the unexamined life that is worth living,” says Nedra. “If one wants to live happily ever after, that is—with one’s partner. Darling, I’ve got to go and see if I can do something about this hideous shag. Kate’s coming at me with bobby pins.”

I can hear Kate singing Olivia Newton-John’s “I Honestly Love You” hideously off-key.

“Do me a favor?” says Nedra. “When you see me, do not tell me I look like Rachel from Friends. And I promise we’ll talk about marriage in the nineteenth century later.”

“Twenty-first century.”

“No difference whatsoever. Kisses.”

11

21. I didn’t until I saw that movie about the Hubble telescope in Imax 3-D.

22. Neck.

23. Forearms.

24. Long. That’s the way I would describe him. His legs barely fit under his desk. This was back before business casual was invented and everybody still dressed for work. I wore a pencil skirt and pumps. He wore a pin-stripe suit and a yellow tie. He was fair, but his straight hair was dark, almost black, and it kept falling in his eyes. He looked like a young Sam Shepard: all coiled up and brooding.

I was completely unnerved and trying not to show it. Why hadn’t Henry (Henry is my cousin, the one responsible for landing me the interview; he played in a men’s soccer league with William) warned me he was so cute? I wanted him to see me, I mean really see me, and yes, I knew he was dangerous, i.e. unreadable, i.e. withholding, i.e. TAKEN—there was a picture of him and some gorgeous blond woman on his desk.

I was in the middle of explaining to him why a theater major with a minor in dramaturgy would want a job as a copywriter, which entailed a great deal of skirting around the truth (because it’s a day job and playwrights make no money and I have to do something to support myself while I pursue my ART, and it may as well be writing meaningless copy about dishwashing detergent), when he interrupted me.

“Henry said you got into Brown, but you went to U Mass?”

Damn Henry. I tried to explain. I was giving him my old I’m a U Mass legacy, which was a lie; the truth was U Mass gave me a full ride, Brown gave me half a ride, and there was no way my father could afford even half of Brown’s tuition. But he interrupted me, waving at me to stop, and I felt ashamed. Like I had disappointed him.

He handed me back my résumé, which I tore up on the way out, sure I had blown the interview. The next day there was a message from him on my machine. “You start Monday, Brown.”

12

From: Wife 22

Subject: Answers

Date: May 10, 5:50 AM

To: researcher101

Researcher 101,

I hope I’m doing this right. I’m worried that some of my answers may go on for longer than you’d like and perhaps you’d prefer a subject who just sticks to the subject and says yes, no, sometimes, and maybe. But here’s the thing. Nobody has ever asked me these kinds of questions before. These sorts of questions, I mean. Every day I am asked normal questions for a woman my age. Like today when I tried to schedule an appointment at the dermatologist. The first question the receptionist asked was if I had a suspicious mole. Then she told me the first available appointment was in six months and what was the date of my birth? When I told her the year, she asked me if I’d like to have a conversation with the doctor about injectables when I had my moles checked. And if that was the case the doctor could see me next week, and would Thursday do? These are the kinds of questions I am asked, the kinds of questions I would really prefer not to be asked.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m enjoying participating in the survey.

All the best,

Wife 22

From: researcher101

Subject: Re: Answers

Date: May 10, 9:46 AM

To: Wife 22

Wife 22,

I assume you’re referring to question #24—as far as your worry that you’re giving too lengthy an answer? It was like reading a little scene, actually, with all the dialogue. Was that intentional?

Sincerely,

Researcher 101

From: Wife 22

Subject: Re: Answers

Date: May 10, 10:45 AM

To: researcher101

Researcher 101,

I’m not so sure it was intentional, more like force of habit. I used to be a playwright. I’m afraid I naturally think in scenes. I hope that’s all right.

Wife 22

From: researcher101

Subject: Re: Answers

Date: May 10, 11:01 AM

To: Wife 22

Wife 22,

There’s no right way or wrong way to answer, just as long as you’re answering truthfully. To be honest, I found your #24 to be quite engaging.

Best,

Researcher 101

13

Julie Staggs

Marcy—big girl bed!

32 minutes ago

Pat Guardia

Spending the afternoon with my father. Red Sox. Ahhhh.

46 minutes ago

William Buckle

Fell.

1 hour ago

Fell? Now I’m officially worried. I’m about to text William when I hear the unmistakable sound of the motorcycle being gunned in the driveway. I log off Facebook quickly. The kids are still at school, William has a client dinner, so I jump to the obvious conclusion.

“We’re being robbed,” I whisper to Nedra on the phone. “Someone’s stealing the motorcycle!”

Nedra sighs. “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

“How sure?”

This is not the first time Nedra has received such a call from me.

Once, a few years ago when I was doing laundry down in the basement, the wind blew the front door open and it slammed into the wall with a bang. In my defense, it sounded like a gunshot. I was positive I was about to be robbed while I was musing about whether a load of whites really needed fabric softener. Robberies weren’t that unusual in our neighborhood. It’s a reality Oaklanders live with, along with earthquakes and $5-a-pound heirloom tomatoes.

Panicked, I stupidly shouted, “I’m calling my lawyer!”

Nobody answered, so I added, “And I have nunchakus!”

I had bought a pair for Peter, who had recently signed up to take tae kwon do, which unbeknownst to me he would be quitting two weeks hence because he didn’t realize it was a contact sport. What did he think the nunchakus were for? Oh—he meant tai chi, not tae kwon do. It wasn’t his fault so many of the martial arts begin with the same sound.

Still no reply. “Nunchakus are two sticks connected by a chain that people use to hurt each other. By whirling them around. Very fast!” I shouted.

Not a sound from upstairs. Not a footfall, not even a creak from the hardwood floor. Had I imagined the bang? I called Nedra on my cell and made her stay on the line with me for the next half hour, until the wind flung the door shut and I realized what an idiot I had been.

“I swear. It’s not a false alarm this time,” I tell her.

Nedra is like an ER doc. The scarier the situation, the calmer and more levelheaded she becomes.

“Are you safe?”

“I’m in the house. The doors are locked.”

“Where is the robber?”

“Out on the driveway.”

“So why are you talking to me? Call 9-1-1!”

“This is Oakland. It’ll take the cops forty-five minutes to get here.”

Nedra pauses. “Not if you tell them somebody’s been shot.”

“You can’t be serious.”

“Trust me, they’ll be there in five minutes.”

“How do you know that?”

“There’s a reason I get paid 425 bucks an hour.”

I don’t call 9-1-1—I’m a very bad liar, especially when it comes to lying about somebody I love bleeding out—instead I crawl on my hands and knees to the front window and peer out the crack in the curtains, my cell in my hand. My plan is to snap a photo of the perp and email it to the Oakland police. But the perp turns out to be my husband, who peels out of the driveway before I can get to my feet.

He doesn’t return until 10:00 that evening, at which point he walks through the front door weaving. Clearly he’s been drinking.

“I’ve been demoted,” he says, collapsing onto the couch. “I’ve got a new job title. Want to know what it is?”

I think of his recent Facebook posts, Fall, falling, fell: he sensed this was coming and didn’t tell me.

“Ideator.” William looks at me expressionlessly.

“Ideator? What? Is that even a word? Maybe they changed everybody’s titles. Maybe Ideator means creative director.”

He picks up the remote and turns on the TV. “No. It means asshole who feeds ideas to the creative director.”

“William, shut off the TV. Are you sure? And why aren’t you more upset? Maybe you’re mistaken.”

William presses the mute button. “The new creative director was my ideator until yesterday. Yes, I’m sure. And what good does it do to be upset?”

“So you can do something about it!”

“There’s nothing to do. It’s decided. It’s done. Do we have any Scotch? The good stuff. Single malt?” William looks completely shut down, his face vacant.

“I can’t believe it! How could they do this to you after all these years?”

“The Band-Aid account. Conflict of interest. I believe in fresh air, Neosporin, and scabs, not sealing up boo-boos.”

“You told them that?”

He rolls his eyes. “Yes, Alice, that’s exactly what I told them. There’s a cut in pay.” William gives me a grim smile. “A rather substantial cut in pay.”

I’m panicked, but I try not to change the expression on my face. I need to buoy him up.

“It’s happening to everybody, sweetheart,” I say.

“Do we have any port?”

“Everybody our age.”

“That’s extremely comforting, Alice. Grey Goose?”

“How old is the new CD?”

“I don’t know. Twenty-nine? Thirty?”

I gasp. “Did he say anything to you?”

“She. It’s Kelly Cho. She said she was really looking forward to working with me.”

“Kelly?”

“Don’t be so shocked. She’s very good. Brilliant, actually. Pot? Weed? Aren’t the kids smoking yet? Jesus, they’re late-bloomers.”

“God, William, I’m so sorry,” I say. “This is incredibly unfair.” I turn to give him a hug.

He holds up his hand. “Don’t,” he says. “Just leave me alone. I don’t want to be touched right now.”

I move away from him on the couch, trying not to take it personally. This is typical William. When he’s hurt he becomes even more detached; he makes himself into the proverbial island. I’m the complete opposite. When I’m in pain I want everybody I love on the island with me, sitting around the fire, getting drunk on coconut milk, banging out a plan.

“Jesus, Alice, don’t look at me that way. You can’t expect me to take care of you right now. Let me just have my feelings.”

“No one’s asking you to not have your feelings.” I stand up. “I heard you in the driveway, you know. Starting the motorcycle. I thought we were being robbed.”

I hear the accusatory tone in my voice and hate myself. This happens all the time. William’s detachment makes me desperate for connection, which makes me say desperate things, which makes him more detached.

“I’m going to bed,” I say, trying not to sound wounded.

A look of relief spreads across William’s face. “I’ll be up in a while.” Then he closes his eyes, blocking me out.

14

I’m not proud of what I do next, but consider it the act of a slightly OCD woman who did budget projections too far into the future and discovered that within one year (at William’s reduced salary and what little my job brought in) we’d be tapping into our savings and the kids’ college funds. Within two years, our retirement fund and any chance of our children going to college would be nil. We’d have to move back to Brockton and live with my father.

I see no alternative but to call Kelly Cho and beg for William’s job back.

“Kelly, hello, this is Alice Buckle. How are you?” I sing into the phone, in my best feel-good, composed drama-teacher voice.