Crystal Masks

A taxi was dropping off a customer a little further along, so she hurried to it and had it take her home. The smell of food hit her as she opened the door. She took off her coat and put it on the sofa with her bag, then looked into the kitchen. Mira, in her usual blue dress and a large white apron, was setting the table.

"Are you hungry?" the maid asked, and turned to look at her, the small blue eyes smiling.

"Not much really. Is Johnny home?"

"He’s closed in the study. Dinner's almost ready."

"I’ll go and tell him."

It took quite a while to get him away from the drawing board, but then Johnny devoured a large grilled steak and as many vegetables as she would eat in two meals.

Loreley pushed her plate aside with a grimace of disappointment: she didn’t understand why seeing Johnny eating a lot that evening bothered her so much.

Apologizing, she headed to the bathroom to take a shower. The warmth of the water relaxed her, leaving no room for thoughts, and she put up no opposition. Her thoughts wandered far into the past, to her university days, to David, to the time she met Johnny and her future with him. A long-term future... Becoming a real family.

But what the hell was she thinking?!

Johnny had never told her he wanted to make a family with her. He had already had a wife and had run away after a few years. During the marriage he had also had a daughter, about whom he spoke very little, unlike many fathers who...

She interrupted that sequence of thoughts with a shiver, opened her mouth and let the water run into her throat. Spluttering she turned off the faucet. Many seconds passed before she could breathe properly again.

Leaning against the tiled wall, she moved her wet hair off her face. She should start the pill again today and she hadn’t had anything. How come?

She had read somewhere that with some types of contraceptives the flow could decrease until it disappeared altogether. Yes, that must be it.

And what if something wasn’t right? she asked herself, wringing the water out of her hair, and feeling edgy.

That question worried her so much that she dried herself quickly and got dressed again. She couldn’t bear to have that uncertainty hanging over her until the next day, or she wouldn’t sleep that night.

When she was ready, she told Johnny that she had forgotten to buy her usual painkillers and disappeared out the door.

Within minutes she was at the pharmacy, just across the street. She went in and asked for a pregnancy test. It was absurd to be so worried, but she knew there could be a margin for error.

Johnny was lying on the couch when she returned, intent on watching a football game, so she took the opportunity to undress and lock herself in the bathroom without being disturbed. No one could get Johnny away from there, not even the prospect of hours of unbridled sex.

She followed the instructions on the packaging and waited for the result. The test should be done in the morning, and by doing it in the evening the most she risked was getting a negative outcome, never a false positive. In that case, she would repeat the test the next morning.

Sitting on the stool, she tried to imagine how Johnny would react if the result turned out to be positive. They had never talked about marriage, let alone having children. It would be a real blow to both of them.

She looked at the clock, then at the test indicator...

5

The test was positive. Just as she feared.

How the hell did that happen? Where had she gone wrong? she wondered as she wrapped the stick in a tissue to throw it in the bin.

After a few minutes she left the bathroom, feeling as if she had been given a strong dose of sedatives. But she didn't join Johnny in the living room. She didn't want him to notice the state she was in, and needed to think about things before talking to him.

She went to the bedroom and finished undressing, took her pyjamas from under the pillow and slipped them on like an automaton. Then she noticed that she had put the pants on back to front, but couldn’t be bothered to fix them.

Hearing footsteps, she turned, her back to the door. "Are you going to bed already?" asked Johnny.

"I'm very tired. Do you mind?" She pretended to be looking for something in the drawer of the bedside table so he wouldn't notice she was upset.

"No, not at all... I’ll join you as soon as the game ends, it’s half-time now." He walked towards her.

A mask of impassibility, the same one she wore in court, dropped over her face.

"All right." She closed the drawer again after taking out a packet of tissues she didn't need.

John hugged her from behind, his hands around her waist. "Go to bed,” he told her. I’ll turn off all the lights and close the shutters."

She turned her head to look at him sideways.

"Why are you staring at me like that?" he asked her.

"You hate doing those things, I always have to do it."

He smiled. «Since you’re going to sleep and I have to go out, I’ll make the effort to do it."

"Are you going out with Ethan?"

"As usual. But don't worry, we won't be too late tonight."

John broke the embrace, gave her a light kiss on the temple and left the room.

Loreley slid under the covers, but struggled to get to sleep. For the first time, she felt happy that Johnny was going out without her in the evening. She hadn’t recovered from what had happened at Hans's wedding yet, and now she had a bigger problem. Neither of them had considered bringing a child into the world, not now.

***

Two days went by, and Loreley had not yet decided to let John know that he was about to become a father for the second time. She wanted to keep that secret to herself, although in a glimmer of rationality she vowed she would tell him as soon as possible, in the hope that he would not react negatively.

It was unbelievable that she could get pregnant despite taking the necessary precautions. When she was at home it was all she could think about; and it was only when she was in the office that she could get her mind off it. Work kept her busy and gave her a little respite.

That Wednesday morning she was in a courtroom with her client, Peter Wallace.

Loreley had seen defendants nervous, repentant, worried, frightened, or even pleased with themselves, but she had never seen such a detached expression on the face of any of them. For this client it was as if what was happening around him did not concern him at all. He sat there next to her, his eyes staring into space, with his hands clasped in a pose which would have been more suitable inside a church than a courtroom.

Loreley had met Judge Henry Palmer during her internship and had appreciated him for his humanity, which was not discernible now, however. His eyes were half-hidden by the drooping upper eyelids and the thin lips were tightly closed, as usual. She rarely saw him smile during a hearing. At a rough guess, he must have put on at least ten pounds since the last time she had seen him, and his belly was now pressing against the edge of the bench. Even the toga couldn't disguise it.

The judge adjusted his spectacles on his nose before asking her the question she expected. "How does your client plead?" His voice rang out loudly, but a little hoarse, as if he had just recovered from a sore throat.

She turned to Peter Wallace, who did not blink an eye. The only thing that let her know that he was alive was a barely perceptible twitch of his well-shaped jaw. "Innocent, Your Honour. My client has no previous record, he has always led a quiet life, and the crime of which he is accused is yet to be proven. The evidence against him is based solely on an unreliable statement. I ask for him to be released on bail."

"Prosecutor... " said the judge, inviting him to speak.

"The defendant has no priors, that’s true, but as has already been pointed out, he has an aggressive nature, and there is always a first time for any act. Furthermore, he could leave the State, his family has the means to help him. I ask that the defence's request be rejected.”

After careful consideration, the judge decided: "Bail is denied."

The sharp blow of the gavel ended the hearing

Her client turned to her then, his green eyes devoid of light.

"I'm sorry."

"It wasn't me. I know that no one believes me; not even you, counselor."

There was no humility in his tone nor self-pity, but no arrogance either. She saw him push a small lock of curly, Titian red hair from his eyes.

"Goodbye, Counselor Lehmann," he dismissed her, a moment before the guards arrived to escort him out of the courtroom.

She walked away quickly as another defendant and his defence attorney entered and were about to take their positions.

When she arrived home, Loreley threw herself on the sofa without even taking off her shoes. She had worked like she did every other day, but she felt more tired than usual. Even the scent of pot-pourri that permeated the air seemed stronger than usual. She turned up her nose.

When John returned shortly after, she raised a hand to greet him from the sofa, too comfortable to stand up and go to meet him.

"Are you all right?" he asked, approaching her. "You haven't even changed."

"I'm tired lately, you know that."

He took off his jacket, threw it on the armrest of the sofa, and after taking off her shoes sat down next to her. "Why don't you take a break, then?"

"I can't."

Johnny frowned. "Because of the case you're dealing with?"

"Yes, of course."

"Taking a weekend off won't change anything for your client, but it can only do you good."

"I don't know if it's the right moment..."

"Not even if I asked you to come to Paris with me this weekend?"

Loreley stared. "You never ask me to come with you when you go away for work."

"I know you love Paris and it’s quite a while since you were there. I can see you’re really worn out and I don't like it."

"Oh, well, I could give it some thought," she said as she pushed his hair back from his forehead with a small caress.

John smiled at her. "Just some thought?"

Loreley quickly reflected. She would have to talk to him, sooner or later, and couldn't let any more time go by or it would make the situation worse. Maybe Paris was the right occasion and the right place for that kind of revelation.

"Okay, that's fine. The answer is yes, I’ll come with you."

"We leave on Friday morning, at dawn. And not in a manner of speaking. So have a word with your boss and ask him give you some time off until Monday. Paris is not just around the corner."

It would be a real struggle to get Kilmer to agree to her taking time off.

Well, she didn't give a damn, she had every right to it!

***

Paris! The quintessential city of love and age-old haven for artists of all kinds, Loreley was reading in the hotel brochure.

She put it back on the ivory-colored bedside table, wondering whether that city would help her and John to bolster their feelings for each other. She hoped so with all her might.

Going to the French doors, she opened them wide and went out onto the small balcony with the wrought-iron balustrade. Their room was on the fourth floor of a pretty Art Nouveau hotel in the centre of town, along the boulevard that led to Rue de Rivoli, the street bordering the Louvre museum.

The sun had set hours ago, but the air was not as cold and humid as she imagined it might be at that time of year. She looked at the tree-lined square below, with several benches and a marble fountain. There was a line of rental bicycles stretching along the pavement, and a little further away she could see the street, quiet at that hour, with its many shops.

As soon as they had stepped into the room, Johnny had thrown himself on the bed to recover from the fatigue of the flight. She had managed to sleep on the plane and, apart from a little nausea, she felt well and eager to do some sightseeing around the city.

"Come back inside, you're letting cold air in," Johnny grumbled, pulling the blanket up to his chin.

Loreley sighed. There was just no hope that he could see that place through the same eyes she did, she thought, closing the shutters. In the time it took her to pull their clothes out of the suitcase and arrange them in the small closet, Johnny had already fallen asleep. So she picked up the book she had brought along, lay down on the bed, and began to read.

After fifteen minutes she closed it snorting. Okay! He could go on sleeping, but she didn't want to be closed inside the hotel listening to him snoring. She fixed her shirt, picked up her handbag and opened the door.

"Where are you going?"

Loreley stopped. "To take a walk along the boulevard. I wanted to let you rest and not disturb you..."

Johnny pulled himself up and leaned on his elbow. "Come over here to me. I want to celebrate the first day in Paris in my own way."

"Then you're not so tired after all!" Unbuttoning her shirt slowly in a way that clearly showed her intentions, she threw the garment onto the ottoman, unzipped her skirt and it slip down along her legs.

“The rest is up to you,” she said, moving towards him until she was so close she could feel his breath on her face.

Johnny put out his hand and within seconds she stood naked in front of him. His desire was clear to see.

That evening, he surprised her by indulging in foreplay much longer, knowing how much she liked it. It was one of the few times Loreley felt filled with attention.

If he loved her, maybe he wouldn't react badly at the news of the baby. Maybe she was just creating problems for herself and exaggerating them. Difficult as it might be, she found herself thinking about a life with him and their child. But why had it happened at that very moment, so soon?

***

The next morning, John left her alone and went to discuss the project with a construction company, Loreley decided to visit the Louvre Museum. She had been there already, some years before, but hadn't been able to see all of it.

She spent hours exploring the rooms, going up and down the stairs looking for the pavilions where the works that interested her were displayed, and stopping every now and then to rest.

Late in the afternoon she went shopping along Boulevard de Sébastopol and bought just a few things, because not much would fit in the suitcase.

When they met up again at sunset, Johnny suggested they go to the Eiffel Tower. They had the taxi drop them off close by and strolled along the banks of the Seine watching the sun disappear in an explosion of red and orange behind the buildings, as the first lights of the evening appeared.

The top of the tower could be seen in the distance, soaring above the trees. When they arrived at the foot of the imposing metal structure it was fully illuminated.

Loreley looked at people lined up in front of the ticket office and heard John muttering. "Look how many people are going up to the top! Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Not if you don't feel like it," she replied, trying in vain not to let her disappointment show.

"All right, I’ll do it to please you this time too."

He was doing his best to make her happy, she thought.

"Maybe I should make you smile more often, your eyes are shining."

She really wanted to show him how much she appreciated those words, but gave him a fleeting kiss instead: there were too many people around.

They arrived on the rooftop panoramic terrace an hour later. Seen from above, Paris was indescribably beautiful, the lights multiplying as the minutes passed, creating brilliant patterns interspersed with splashes of tiny shimmering dots.

The crisp evening air made Loreley shiver a little, which may not have been due to the cold breeze, but the knowledge that it was time to reveal her secret to him.

She looked around and noticed a red sign above their heads: "Bar and Champagne", she read.

"What if we get a drink?" she proposed.

He followed the direction of her gaze and smiled. "It's a great idea."

It might be a mistake to talk to him about such a sensitive subject in a public place, but this was a special occasion and she didn't want to waste it. She had to try. It was all so perfect.

With the second glass of champagne, she decided to make the dreaded announcement. She took a breath, feeling the rapid pulsating of the artery in her neck. Be brave... trust yourself!

"Johnny, I have to tell you something important."

He placed the glass on the table. "I'm listening."

"I’ve been very focused on work in recent months; you know that, don't you?"

"What are you wanting to say?"

"Well, you know..." How hard it is!

"Loreley, what is it?" he began to get agitated. He changed his position.

"I'm pregnant," she told him.

A countless number of times she had tried to guess what his reaction would be. She had imagined everything, but not that he would burst out laughing.

"This is really funny. You're not going to scare me. I’m not falling for it."

Scare him? She was speechless. Her thoughts were muddled and she couldn’t utter another word, but the expression on her face must have said it all, because he stopped laughing.

"You take the pill, you can't be pregnant! Don't joke about it."

"I'm not joking in the least."

"Have you stopped using it without informing me? Without asking my opinion?" he asked her, raising his voice.

"It’s not like that. Don't get upset, keep your voice down..." she begged him, almost whispering.

"Now I understand your behaviour these last few days!"

"Try to stay calm, please!"

"How can you expect me to remain calm after you’ve put me against the wall?" His gaze seemed to express contempt. "How could you play such a rotten trick on me?"

He made to leave, but she stopped him, grabbing him by the arm. In turn he blocked her hand, clutching her wrist: "Don't touch me..." he ordered. Then he let go and without adding anything else, walked out on her.

In disbelief, she watched him go through the door, his step stiff and fast. She felt as if she were suffocating.

Maybe he was feeling just like that too, she thought. She felt betrayed. From his point of view she couldn’t blame him, but she had not done it to him on purpose; this had to count for something.

Feeling let down, she paid the bill and walked to the elevator.

As it descended, she looked down at the city below for the last time, her heart pounding in her chest.

She laid her forehead on the glass wall and closed her eyes. Feeling the tears start, she blinked trying to stop them. Fortunately, people were too busy enjoying the view to pay attention to her.

She hoped Johnny was down there waiting for her, but didn't see him.

Sudden flashes of light made her to look up before she even set foot on the ground: the Eiffel Tower, already illuminated, had just lit up with more bright flashing lights, like the ones you’d see on a grand and sparkling Christmas tree. It seemed to want to encourage her not to lose heart. It was an invitation to smile; and it was successful, even if just for an instant.

On the way back, she called John and sent more than one message to his cell phone, with no reply. When she arrived at the hotel, the room was empty, as she had already imagined.

She kept her phone close to her. But, in the end, realizing he would not return that night, she felt the need to hear a friendly voice and called David. And, for the second time, shared the news of the baby on the way.

Her friend was speechless. On the other end of the phone, all she could hear was a cat mewing.

"Hey, David, say something!"

"My God, Loreley! And that’s how you tell me, over the phone?"

"I have no other way to do it right now. Wouldn’t you agree?" At that moment she needed his comforting virtual hugs, not reproach.

"I am happy about the good news, but not for the situation you’re in now... Holy cow, you should have told him before you left. You would have spared yourself from being alone to face all this!"

"It seemed like a good idea, but it's done now."

"Don't jump to any hasty conclusions," he advised her. "Sometimes the first reactions are disproportionate compared to how it feels when you’ve had time to reflect. Of course, it will be a big change!"

"I would have expected anything, but not to get pregnant. I wasn't ready for it, and I still don't think I am," she retorted, tired of the bitterness she was feeling. "It took me a while to..."

She stopped. If she herself had needed days to accept the news, why did she expect it to be different for John? "All right, I understand. I'll wait a little while before I take his no as final."

"Now go to sleep and keep me posted, please."

"Of course, I will. Good night." She was about to hang up, but heard her friend's voice call her again.

"Wait, Loreley. Best wishes for the baby!"

6

Loreley was still half-asleep when she heard the door of the room open. She lay still, opened her eyes a little, and through her eyelashes watched John open the closet, pull out the few things he had brought with him, and then put them in the duffel bag.

He moved as stealthily as a thief. He was leaving.

Her heart was beating erratically and it was if it didn’t want to start beating regularly again. She took a deep breath and, as soon as that unpleasant sensation ceased, she pulled back the blankets and got out of bed, ready to face him. She could not allow him to leave like this, with the conviction that she had deceived him.

He turned to look at her.

"I’m going to the appointment with the architect, Morel, then I’ll go back to New York... alone. You go ahead and finish your weekend," he told her, stabbing her with his eyes.

"Stop acting like this! You didn't even let me talk when we were on the Eiffel Tower."

"And I don't want to hear what you have to say now either. You're a lawyer: if you can hoodwink an entire jury to save a client, who knows what you'd say to save yourself."

"That’s a low blow!"

"And how would you define yours?" He pointed to her belly.

It wasn't easy to argue in those conditions, but she had to try, at least. "I didn't do it on purpose. I never stopped taking the pill, you have to believe me!"

"I'm sorry, but I can't." John grabbed his bag, went to the door, and walked out of the room, with not another glance at her.

Loreley stood motionless for a few seconds. She should have told him to go to hell and that she’d take care of the child herself, but she had to try to convince him of the truth before going that far; because as things stood now, if that man didn't deserve to have a child, his child instead deserved to have a father. Perhaps one day he would change his mind. Other men had changed their mind after they saw their child. The court had taught her that in some cases it was necessary to put pride aside.

No, if there was even just a slight hope, she felt it was her duty to make at least one attempt to straighten things out.

She got into her jeans, sweater and ankle boots, took her jacket and rushed out.

The elevator near the room was busy and the call button on the one opposite was red too.

She had to take the stairs. If she was fast enough, she would be able to reach him before he had time to find a taxi.

Fourth floor.

Steps, landing, steps.

Third floor.

Steps, landing, steps.

Faster, faster...

Second floor.

Steps, landing, nothing...

She missed her footing and the next steps came up to meet her. She screamed in terror.

A searing pain, then a whirlwind of dark shadows swallowed her into nothingness.