Not pregnant yet? You bet!

The third conflict the girl had was with her father. A man of loose morals, he had double standards: a woman cannot do what a man can. Her husband behaved the same way – he couldn’t even stand the thought that Kseniya had been involved with another man before marriage.

It is worth noting that all the three “deceptions” come from men in Kseniya’s life: her father, her first man, her husband. And it is the father who set the primary pattern for all the following misrepresentations.

All these misinterpretations in the mind of the client were revealed during the session and this allowed Kseniya to change the way she saw herself. The message of her second dream, where a post-officer tells her she could have received this package earlier if she hadn’t been lied to, also became clear. If receiving a package means having a baby, then, yes, it could have happened earlier, if it weren’t for the “deception”. Now that the deception is revealed, there is hope that the next pregnancy will make Kseniya a happy mother.

“Rice on the inside of a pot”

My destiny forced me down the wrong path again. I’m looking forward to the journey. I like traveling.

Internet meme

Here is yet another story of infertility with the bright metaphor for codependent relationships with one’s father. Nastya is my student, she is thirty. She heard during one of my lectures that some incurable diseases could be treated by psychosomatic therapy and decided to give a try to this method. I invited her to my psychosomatic group, but she refused, as it was hard for her to share the intimate details of her family life with strangers.

I agreed to work individually. I don’t think it’s a good idea, as healing the soul in solitude encourages isolation. I often witness how members of a group share their stories about similar problems and are relieved when they hear they are not alone. Nevertheless, after sharing their problem with one person (therapist) some women agree to go to the group.

Nastya said nervously:

– I have been married for two years and I cannot get pregnant. I have a rare condition – polycystic ovaries.

– It will be more clear for me if you tell about the disease in your own words. Polycystic ovaries – how is that?

Although, I do have medical training (when I was in Teacher-Training Institute, I studied medicine, was an intern at several hospitals, passed exams and got a nurses certificate, as it was required by law back then). However, I prefer listening to my clients when they describe their disease. I guess, the medic in me was beaten by philologist, I can diagnose a person’s strategies in relationships with other people by what he/she is saying. So I was prepared to listed to Nastya:

– Polycystic ovaries prevent the eggs from maturing. They stay in the ovaries and grow into the walls. It’s like when you cook rice and it burns and sticks to the inside of the pot and you can’t tear it away.

– Let’s go on with this metaphor. I have Tefal pot, nothing sticks to the inside. What do you do with your pot?

– I pour some water in, the rice becomes soft and it’s easier to get it out.

– How does this remind you of your life? Who are you so “stuck” with that it is necessary “soak” to become “soft”.

– My father, I guess. But its him who is stuck with me and won’t get away.

– Tell me more about your relationships.

– My mother and he have been separated for a long time, and I’m his favorite daughter. He drinks, I feel pity for him, I either visit him or call him every day, I cannot do this anymore, I have a job, I have my own family…

– What will happen if you stop visiting him and get down to your own business?

– In this case he comes to the firm I work for and sits in the hall until I come out. I’m ashamed of him for doing this, and I’m mad at him.

– Here is a chair. Imagine your father sits on it and tell him these words.

– I can’t tell him!

– Start with these very words: “I can’t tell you….”

Nastya gathers her strength, looks at the chair imagining her father and says agitated:

– I can’t tell you that I’m ashamed of you, because you are my father and I feel pity for you…

– You are crying. What is going on with you?

– What do I do? I’m desperate… Should I live with him all my life?

– Tell this to your father?

– Father, I’m desperate! I’m thirty, I want to have kids, I want to live my own life with my husband. I can’t be your nurse, I have my own life! I can’t give you so much of my time…

– What would he answer to these words? Sit on his chair and listen to yourself.

Nastay sits on the other chair, putting on the role of her father and answers:

– You are right. I feel awkward for using you like this. But I have nothing else in my life… I drink, I missed out on my own family. I don’t know what i live for, I wish God took me…

– Sit on your own chair, be Nastya again. What do you feel when you hear these words from your father? Tell him.

– I feel so much pity for you! I will do anything to make you feel good!

– Do you see now how strongly the metaphor of pot and rice reminds of your relationships with your father?

– So what do I do?

– I have already asked you what you did when the rice burns and sticks to the pot. You said you needed to soften it and it will go away. Now I see that you have softened, you heard your father’s feelings and you feel pity for him. Now it’s time to go away.

– How?

– I don’t know. It’s your life, you are the one to change it if it doesn’t suit you.

– Of course, it doesn’t suit me.

– Change it. What would you like to change?

– I would like to visit my father form time to time, when he really needs help.

– How much time are you ready to dedicate to your father?

– Actually – visit him once a week.

– Tell him about it.

– Father, I will meet with you once a week. The rest of the time it’s my life.

– Change places with your father and answer.

– Then I will die.

– What will you answer to this?

– I’m scared, but I’m outraged that you use such unfair methods. I love you and I want you to live.

– How can you make him live longer?

– I can’t! Should I watch him all the time? I guess I should stick to him again like rice to the pot. I’m tired of this!

– Want would you like to do?

Suddenly, Nastya changes, from a little scared girl she turns into a woman of her own age and says calmly.

– Father, I’m sorry to hear that you do not want to live, but I’m powerless to do anything with it. I can only live my own life, not yours. You can threaten me, but this doesn’t work with me anymore.

– Answer something form the role of your father.

– Yes, I believe you.

– What would you like to answer.

– I would like to finish. I have understood what my symptom was about.

“Rice on the inside of a pot”: commentary

It’s Monday! Hello diet, exercise, zen buddism and perfectionism. Hello for the two hundred and thirty third time.

Internet meme

Usually, the metaphor the symptom is described with mirrors the relationships between client and some significant person in his life. This client “stuck” to her father as her egg sticks to the inside of ovaries’ or rice to the inside of a pot. It happens if the pot left on the stove for too long, until the water boils out. In this case it symbolized that the daughter did not separate from her father at due time.

Nastya’s story is a typical story of a codependent woman, as well as the two stories before. And shame is typical for codependent wives, mistresses, daughters in their relationships with dependent husbands, lovers, fathers. Practically all their energy goes to creating an image of well-being in the eyes of others. As you remember, Nastya refused to work in a group, because she saw it as treachery. She was taught not to wash her dirty laundry in public!

Children of alcoholics are a topic of a whole other book. I do recommend to the readers with a similar childhood story to read R. Norwood20, E. McAvoy and S. Israelson21 and others. The process of healing in this case is the process of finding oneself, and the books mentioned above extensively instruct one on how to do that. It is worth mentioning that it is hard, but necessary for the women to know the truth: in their case healing is not a single session, it’s their life’s job. Their goal is not to make the pain go away, but to learn how to live with it – this is what healing means for them.

I would still like to share an interesting observation. I worked with Nastya nearly ten years ago, when the internet just began to enter our lives. All these years the protocol of her session was in my computer. When I began writing the commentary for her session, I googled my client’s diagnosis and read the following: “Polycystic ovaries is a rare medical condition, according to different sources of information, from 4 to 8 per cent of women have it, beginning form adolescent years). However, it is serious as it causes infertility. The ultrasound scan shows that a woman’s ovary looks as if it is ‘stuffed’ with many bubbles 8—10mm in diameter, filled with fluid. Polycystic ovaries is caused by hyperandrogenia – excessive male hormones (androgens) production. The main task of treatment is to limit the excess of androgens”.

I was amused by this metaphor – it’s funny how our subconscious chooses a symptom to convey its message! In the course of Nastya’s session we did find out that her job was to separate psychologically from her father (“limit the excess of male hormones”).

A little bit later I found out that Nastya got pregnant and had baby.

“Rice on the inside of a pot”: post scriptum

It’s not until recently that I found Nastya through mutual acquaintances and found out that she was a mother of two girls. I sent her a piece of text with the description of her session and got an answer, which I quote here with her permission:

Hi!

You just live your life and… bang! – you are in a book! You won’t believe it, but I don’t remember this session at al! I remembered it just when I read the text. This means all this is 100% in the past for me. I guess, it kind of is.

My father died a year ago. I felt bitter at the loss, I was hurt, but I didn’t feel guilty. I don’t feel it now. I think that I should have felt guilty. Because he warned me: “I will die”. And he did. And I didn’t do anything to avoid it! But I don’t feel guilty!

Now, thanks to you and this text passage, I have understood that I began this separation more than ten years ago. I’m so glad I did!!! Thank you!

I have two daughters, the girls are mirror reflections of each other. My first pregnancy was unexpected the doctors called it “diamond” pregnancy. According to all tests’ results I was told I would be treated for at least three years before I can even begin preparing for IVF – the doctors were not even hoping I could conceive naturally.

This is why I did not expect it – I started the treatment with this drug that had severe side-effects, including collapsing. I felt terrible, but I thought it was due to the side-effects. My husband suspected something and suggested taking a pregnancy test. It was negative.

I went on a business trip abroad, came back, and I felt even worse!!! So I drink the drugs, lie down flat and my husband suggests taking the test again. I was against it – why? Before the business trip it was negative, I didn’t have sex during the trip and after it – WHERE would it come from? To make him stop grumping I bought one.

I still remember how surprised I was when I saw it was positive! It turned out I was 10 weeks pregnant! And I felt bad because of toxemia!

I am very happy for Nastya, I looked at the picture of her two girls born almost ten years apart. Nastay is a happy mother – what else can I say?

“Motionless sperm”

An old man goes fishing. But the net is down. No fish is on-line.

Internet meme

In the beginning of the chapter I said that in our society it’s usually women who undertake “saving” men. His is how they were brought up, the thought that a man can take care of himself does not even enter their minds. I gave three typical examples and there are hundreds more! In the first case, it’s a story of Yana who tries to get pregnant while it’s her husband who has “infertility” diagnosis. In the second case, it’s the story of Kseniya whose reproductive function is blocked, because she tries to meet the expectations of the meaningful men in her life, but does not listen to her heart. Finally, it’s a story of Nastya who feels obliged to fill the life of her drunkard father with meaning, ignoring her own human needs. Healing for women with similar patterns of behavior means discovering that their close ones can take care of themselves and becomong selfish in a good way.

To sum up, I would like to finish this chapter “Male factor” with what I began it – men with infertility diagnosis. While I was writing the book, I’ve got an example of psychological work with male infertility. Recently I shared with a male colleague that I was writing a book on female infertility. He was surprised:

– Why just female?

– It’s sad, I don’t have any cases of male infertility.

– I have, and plenty.

We discussed, theoretically, why men could have issues fertilizing. I suggested that one should analyze symbolic meanings of adjectives used to describe the sperm of a man. If they have “low motility”, one should try to find out where the man stays motionless, or, to put it in psychological terms, where he is rigid in his beliefs? If there are little alive sperm, one should find out what is dead and left unburied in the life of the man? As they say, we chatted and went our separate ways.

In two weeks after we had the talk, my colleague called me and told that his forty-three year old client who had had low motility sperm just had his sperm tested and it turned out that his sperm was like a young man’s. It happened after our conversation: while working with the client my colleague said that the sperm mirrored his behavior. And here is the result!

I want my readers to know: man can change and do change the characteristics of their sperm through psychotherapy.

While he was a boy, this man fell victim to sexual harassment attempt form his older teenaged peers. Nothing actually happened, but it caused an uprising of strong feelings in the client, and he kept this “skeleton in the closet” for almost forty years. He told his therapist about this childhood memory and expressed the long-suppressed feeling of being humiliated due to which he didn’t feel fully manly. The client was able to change the way he saw himself, which was —depreciated just because of the experience.

A more mature way to look at this is to understand that a man can’t be strong all the time. He loses in some situations, but he does not stop being a man because of this. Unfortunately, our society shares and even encourages the immature belief that a man should be on top of his game all the time. More often than not it is impossible for them to accept and take in the vulnerable side of their personality. This is why they put on a mask of “the strong one”, exercising their bodies, putting of the airs of an alpha-male (this is how my colleague described the client). And the weakness was expressed in a less apparent way – behavior of his sperm.

As soon as the client saw the connection between the “message” his body was trying to send him and his own behavior the symptom disappeared. Why wouldn’t it, if the “message” was read? Now nothing prevents the man from naturally becoming a father. And – remember the statistics? – there are forty such man in a hundred of infertile couples. Well, now it’s thirty-nine!

Chapter 3

Mal (e) practice

Cosmos means order

Recently, I bought iPhone.

No idea how to turn it on.

No buttons and flat screen —

Is that supposed to ring?

It’s frustrating, but I’ve got no clue.

Someone’s calling. What do I do?

Internet meme

It is impossible to skip the topic of IVF in a book like this, IVF being the most cutting-edge and the most expensive way of having a baby in case of infertility. IVF is a proof of the mankind being able to do the things that were only God’s work before. This brings forward different ethical, moral, and psychological issues.

IVF stands for in vitro fertilization, “in vitro” meaning “in glass”. It is an ancillary reproductive procedure used in case of infertility. Another ways to say this would be “artificial insemination”, “having test-tube babies”, etc. In the course of the procedure, the egg is removed from the woman’s body and artificially fertilize in vitro (in a test-tube). After the fertilized egg undergoes embryo culture for 2—5 days, it is transferred into the uterus for further development.

First, this technology was successfully applied in the United Kingdom in 1977. As a result, Louise Brown was the first test-tube child born in 1978. The first child (a girl) in the Soviet Union conceived as a result of IVF was born in February, 1986. If in 1990 the number of test-tube babies was more than 20 thousands, in 2010 it came up to about 4 millions22.

It’s been not so many years after this, just one generation grew up, and we still know little about this method and its consequences. There are lots of questions, because mankind have made a number of discoveries and didn’t know how to “cover them back” afterwards. We can see mothers who receive huge amounts of hormones. What will happen to them? If the main criterion for using any method is set in the course of time, how do we know what will happen to test-tube babies? What will happen to test-tube babies’ babies?

It is known that there should be some spare embryos for IVF, they somehow “help” each other and there is a greater chance of pregnancy. But where should others go in case of pregnancy? They are either destroyed, or frozen for another procedure in case of failure, or used for scientific purposes if their “owners” donate them. Will humankind get away with treating human beings like this?

In March of 2013 ELLE magazine published in interview with Victoria Zaletova – the head of Moscow clinic called “Mama”. Victoria told that they had a married couple who gave birth to twins and for whom they froze two more embryos. So, the couple gave birth to another pair of twins six years later. “It looks like a miracle. But for us it’s what we see every day, just one of the methods we use. – The doctor comments. – One can argue if it’s good or bad. Reproduction specialists have a more down to earth position: there is a couple, their goal is to have a baby, there are certain options. Cosmos, universe – we don’t care much about this stuff”23.

But we, psychologists, do. I would like to remind you that “cosmos” is translated from Greek as “order”. In practical psychology and psychotherapy order is very important. Essentially, this whole book is about how infertile women restored the distorted order in their minds, and only after this did they receive their ability to conceive, bear and give birth. When I hear someone saying that a man put himself beyond the laws of the universe, moreover above them, I feel the fear crippling down my spine. This means for me that people don’t know what they are doing.

What order is violated by reproduction specialists? They neglect a huge area of knowledge they are not aware of. They interfere with material stuff, as if forgetting that a man is not only a material object. There are oh so many things that are impossible to be described from a material point of view. For example, doctors believe that a personality develops only after birth. Psychologists view this differently – an individual enters this world determined by his/her prior experience: conception, pregnancy, birth – and the life goes along with this state.

Another issue is that IVF costs a lot. Money means business, how can you be sure that you are treated and not being used? It’s a mistake to call IVF a treatment method. It’s a trick, one more experiment curious humankind does on the nature: “What happens, if?..” And who will pay for this childish curiosity and what is really the price for it?

But the main question for me is the following: if women agreed to IVF, this means they had some reason for infertility? And the reason did not go away as the result of the procedure. Roman Nikolaevich Getmanov, obstetrician of Central City Hospital #70, shares: “We often have women who come to give birth after IVF. In my experience, they have more issues giving birth that those who conceived naturally. I think it’s due to the fact, that these women force their body to do something it probably does not need”24.

I agree with this and I will add from my own experience as a therapist; isn’t it more logical to try and find the reason and give the body what it wants from psychological point of view? People exist as a whole – body changes as mind changes. If mankind accepts this point of view, the medicine will do exactly what it was meant to do – help people using holistic approach.

Eggs on credit

I asked Vasiliy to pay me back.

He spoke of liquidity and what the heck…

His obscure monologue was wrapped up

With loud and clear “I am f***ed up”

Internet meme by Bluher

As I was writing the chapter on IVF, I was also asked to give an interview on credit addiction for women’s online magazine “She”25. I gave the interview, but, as I was busy thinking about the book on infertility, it occurred to me that these two things were very much alike – freely giving credits to people and broadly using IVF.

The similarity is obvious: IVF is like a credit you take from yourself and pay interest later. I’ll explain: bank clients have their paying capacity evaluated, a woman undergoes full thorough medical examination to find out if she is able to take the procedure. It is a serious examination and it has tons of side-effects: developmental issues, mental illness, etc. Infertile woman can’t do what a healthy woman can. Some side effects are both sad and ridiculous, because no one controls a woman’s health when she goes in bed with a man: does she have a history of mental illness? Crazy part is that the nature ALREADY deprived the woman going through with IVF of health necessary to have a baby in a natural way. If she was healthy, why would she pay hundreds of thousands for what happens in bedrooms every night, if one is up to it?!

It’s the same with credits: save the money and buy, don’t ask money from a bank, don’t make yourself a slave for twenty years! But now, it’s those people who can’t afford are the ones who borrow. Can’t afford it, but want to buy a house. Cant’ afford it, but want to have a baby. What if either lived their life according to their means, or tried and became a person of means? May our wishes coincide with our options.

Step two: a woman’s ovary is stimulated to have several eggs. Doctors say it is harmless or try to avoid this topic. For example, Vladislav Korsak CEO of International center of reproductive medicine in St.-Petersburg gave a rather vague answer to a direct question if IVF was dangerous: “Living is dangerous altogether”26. And women online share dreadful details of their experience. Whom should we believe?

One of my persistent acquaintances went through IVF for eleven times. In Israel. She almost went blind, but she gave birth to twins. But again, after going in psychotherapy. She did this not to be dumped by her (ve-e-e-ry high-ranking!) husband. After the therapy she was the one to leave him and take the children. How is a woman to pay for having her pituitary bombarded with hormones in such a way? At the very least, her climax comes several years earlier. Even if she does not become a mother, she will still have to pay. But afterwards. How does a bank customer pay for having the whole sum at once now? He takes one sum of money, but he gives back a different one – with interest. As they say: you take other people’s money, but you pay back your own. And he pays the interest in the first place. If he decides to terminate the contract, he still has to pay the interest.