Across the Water
INGRID ALEXANDRA
One More Chapter
a division of HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd
1 London Bridge Street
London SE1 9GF
www.harpercollins.co.uk
First published in Great Britain by HarperCollinsPublishers 2020
Copyright © Ingrid Alexandra 2020
Cover design by HarperCollinsPublishers Ltd 2020
Cover images © Shutterstock.com
Ingrid Alexandra asserts the moral right to be identified as the author of this work.
A catalogue copy of this book is available from the British Library.
This novel is entirely a work of fiction. The names, characters and incidents portrayed in it are the work of the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or localities is entirely coincidental.
All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins.
AU, NZ Ebook ISBN: 9780008363253
ROW Ebook ISBN: 9780008355494
B Format Paperback ISBN: 9780008355487
Trade Paperback ISBN: 9780008358990
Version: 2020-03-30
Content Notices
Please be advised this book features the following content notices: mental health issues, bereavement, alcoholism, murder, suicide references.
Table of Contents
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Content Notices
Dedication
Chapter 1: Liz
Chapter 2: Dee
Chapter 3: Liz
Chapter 4: Dee
Chapter 5: Liz
Chapter 6: Liz
Chapter 7: Liz
Chapter 8: Erica
Chapter 9: Dee
Chapter 10: Erica
Chapter 11: Liz
Chapter 12: Dee
Chapter 13: Liz
Chapter 14: Liz
Chapter 15: Liz
Chapter 16: Dee
Chapter 17: Liz
Chapter 18: Dee
Chapter 19: Liz
Chapter 20: Dee
Chapter 21: Liz
Chapter 22: Erica
Chapter 23: Dee
Chapter 24: Liz
Chapter 25: Liz
Chapter 26: Liz
Chapter 27: Liz
Chapter 28: Erica
Chapter 29: Liz
Chapter 30: Erica
Chapter 31: Liz
Chapter 32: Liz
Chapter 33: Liz
Chapter 34: Liz
Chapter 35: Liz
Chapter 36: Erica
Chapter 37: Dee
Chapter 38: Dee
Chapter 39: Liz
Chapter 40: Dee
Chapter 41: Liz
Chapter 42: Liz
Chapter 43: Liz
Chapter 44: Erica
Chapter 45: Liz
Chapter 46: Liz
Acknowledgements
Also by Ingrid Alexandra
About the Author
About the Publisher
For Mum
Chapter 1
Liz
June, 2017
Saturday, 7:17pm
We’re wet to the bone, teetering on tipsy feet and laughing as we reach the front door. Adam scoops me up and takes a wobbly step forward.
‘You don’t have to do this!’ I protest, though I’m secretly thrilled. ‘We don’t even live here!’
Adam grunts and digs determined fingers into his pocket until I hear his keys jangle. He fumbles with the lock and kicks the door open. ‘Well, it’s ours for the time being. And I want to. I want to do this right.’ He flashes me a dazzling smile as he carries me over the threshold. ‘Welcome home, Mrs Dawson.’
My heart feels so full it might explode. ‘You’re a sap,’ I tease, but I love that he’s doing this.
Inside, we trip about peeling off sopping clothes before tumbling into bed. His hot mouth on mine, those determined fingers finding all my spots, I’m devouring him while being devoured. It will never be enough.
Afterwards, still catching my breath, I murmur, ‘Shit. I hope the neighbours didn’t hear.’
I know Adam’s smiling, though at some point during our frantic coupling the room had grown dark. ‘I hope they did.’
‘Adam!’ I shove his shoulder. ‘What if there are kids next door?’
There’s a merry plink! as Adam turns on the bedside lamp. He stretches out his long, broad torso, still tanned from San Sebastian, and yawns. ‘I was kidding. No one would have heard. Nobody lives on this side of the creek.’
‘Oh?’ I pull the blankets up around my neck against the evening chill. ‘Nobody lives in any of them? But there’s, what, eight?’
Adam shrugs. ‘They’ve all been abandoned.’
‘But could people be on the other side?’
‘Not sure who’s there now. I think Rob and his wife still live in the middle house; they’re a bit older than you, I think. And I used to know the couple who live in the end house. Erica and Samir. Bit older than me, been there since the old days.’
‘Ah, yes. The golden summers when you and the lads gallivanted around town, breaking hearts.’
A smirk steals over Adam’s lips. ‘Long before you were born, of course.’
I smile. It’s silly, I’m only eight years younger than him, but it gives me a thrill to think of myself as the younger woman. I think Adam likes it, too.
I kiss him and snuggle against his chest, breathing in the smell of my new husband. My husband! His arms close around me and he presses his lips to my forehead with a tenderness that steals my breath. It’s impossible, this kind of bliss.
Adam’s breathing slows and evens and I feel myself slipping with him, down into oblivion.
***
2:07am
I wake with a start. For a moment, I don’t know where I am. My head is fuzzy with jetlag and the remnants of too many drinks. What exactly were we celebrating this time? And then I remember. All those months of dreading it and now we’re here. We’re actually here.
I glance at my phone and smother a groan. We must have fallen asleep just after dark and now it’s only, what … around 5pm, UK time? It would take a miracle for me to fall back to sleep. Just as well I’m prepared.
Glancing at Adam’s hazy silhouette, noting the slow rise and fall of his chest, I slip out of bed. I’m still naked, so I throw on my fluffy winter robe and some slippers and tiptoe out the door. It’s cold in this house, draughty. The wind blowing in from the water is like ice. As if it weren’t bad enough that we had to come here, we’re doing things the wrong way around. Sacrificing summer for winter.
Padding across the uneven floorboards, I approach the staircase that leads to the loft. Our honeymoon luggage sits at the foot of the stairs; unpacking seems too much like giving in and I can’t fathom it yet. The thought of the next couple of months makes my jaw clench, but it will be okay soon – at least for now – because my sleeping pills are somewhere in that luggage and when I take one, I’ll be out like a light. The luggage can be tomorrow’s problem.
I unzip the front pocket of my carry-on and slip my hand in until I hear the tell-tale crinkle of foil. As I pull my hand back, something comes with it: a crumpled pack of the Camel cigarettes we bought in Champagne. I smile and slip the cigarettes into the pocket of my robe, pop two pills from the foil pack and swallow them dry.
It’s still raining, but only lightly now. I can hear the pitter-patter on the roof beyond the loft. An eerie light bathes the stairs in a pale glow; I don’t know this house yet, but I imagine it’s the moon shining through the loft’s bay window. It should be safe up there. Adam won’t smell the smoke.
I lift my foot to ascend the staircase when I hear it – a sharp, high-pitched keening. My foot pauses on the stair. I don’t need to wonder at it; it’s the most universal sound in the world. The sound of a baby crying.
I must be imagining it. Adam said that no one lived on this side of the creek. I tiptoe up the stairs and on to the creaky wooden floor of the landing. It smells of mould and dust. The wailing continues, louder up here. I get a shiver, as I always do at the sound of a crying infant. A flash of porcelain skin, a halo of soft, downy hair and blue eyes flash through my mind and I squeeze my eyes shut, willing the image away.
I’m either going mad or there is undoubtedly a baby crying nearby. Where is the sound coming from?
Pulling my robe tighter around my body, I approach the window. Moonlight touches the windowsill with its icy fingers and when I look up, sure enough, the moon is full and low in the night sky.
The cries have reached fever pitch; I’m tempted to cover my ears. Leaning close to the glass, my breath mists its dusty surface and my eyes are drawn to another light across the water.
A wide, oblong window marks the top floor of a house, the middle of the three identical houses visible from this side of the creek. The creek must be at least ten metres wide, but sound travels across water, especially at night. The flanking houses are dark, but in this dimly lit window a shadow flickers and a figure appears. It’s a woman; I can see her quite clearly, swaying to and fro like a branch in the breeze. Thick hair, dark red or auburn – it’s hard to tell from here – tumbles over pale, rounded shoulders. She’s nude, Botticelli-esque in the soft lamplight, cradling a child to her chest.
The wails ascend like a siren. The woman rocks and sways and the infant squirms as she presses its tiny face to a large, white breast. Her hair falls over the child, her gaze on its face, and there’s a stab of something, sharp and deep, in my chest.
The woman stills, straightens. She turns to the window. It’s as if she’s seen me; she’s looking right this way. I’m paralysed for a moment, unable to breathe. She stands, motionless, as the child’s cries ring through the night.
The sound reaches an abrupt end, as if a switch has been flicked. And then the woman moves swiftly, and the light goes out. The window reveals nothing but blackness.
Chapter 2
Dee
December, 2016
Thursday, 7:59pm
I can see the lights flickering on in the house across the water. It’s that time of year, high summer, so I’m guessing the Dawsons have arrived. The father, at least, and maybe the son, although I hear he’s moved abroad. I used to wonder about the mother. I saw her once, all shiny silver bob and powder-blue cashmere, carrying boxes. Now she visits once, maybe twice, a year. Town gossip is she ran off with some Frenchman when the son was only six.
Running both hands over my swollen belly, I wonder if I’d be capable of the same. The afternoon light is dying, the sky growing dark, and since I’ve been still a while, the baby is starting to stir. I can feel her above my pubic bone and under my ribs. She’s small, they tell me, and I suspect I know why, but you wouldn’t know it, the way I feel. Tense and achy, I’m unable to relax. It could be any day now. I think of what’s to come and panic blooms.
Rob will be back soon. I’m counting the minutes, listening to the sounds from the neighbouring houses that signal the day’s end. The Spanish couple in the short-stay apartment on the top floor of the McCallister place are squabbling good-naturedly; there’s the clang of pots and pans from the kitchenette, glasses clinking, the aroma of something rich and spicy on the evening breeze. They’re the nicest of the parade of couples and families who’ve come through this season. The McCallisters like to keep the bottom floor free so they can come and go as they please, but they’re rarely there, so it falls to Rob and me to crisis-manage when things go awry. I’m getting bloody sick of it.
I hear the rumble of Samir’s voice from the balcony on the other side of the house followed by Erica’s nasal response. If I listen carefully, I can hear every word. I try not to, of course. There’s nothing worse than overhearing things you wish you hadn’t.
Erica’s the only one I’ve had to talk to, what with Rob gone so often and her home on stress leave. She’s told me she’ll help when the baby comes and I know she means it. But I’m not like most women. This is not like most pregnancies. And Erica, well-meaning as she is, is the last person who’d be able to understand.
The abandoned houses across the creek, left of the Dawson place, stand in shadow, ghosts of their former selves. I wonder about the people in those houses, what brought them here, why they chose to leave. Did they have children? Were they happy? I never imagined the two could be synonymous. Soon I will know for sure.
There’s the rumble of a car engine and I stick my head out of the window as a car pulls up beside the McCallister place. I recognise the embattled pale blue station wagon. He’s back. The Spanish couple are due to depart; he must be coming to collect the keys and resume his old job as caretaker in exchange for cheap rent. Slacker.
As he steps out, I’m reminded of why he gets away with it. Young, toned, healthy. He looks up and our eyes meet. He gives me that slow smile of his, as if we’re both in on a secret. And my thoughts stray, despite myself, and I fantasise that if I weren’t so pregnant …
I’m the first to look away and at that moment the front door slams. I flinch. Rob’s home. There’s a sharp stab in my lower abdomen, the vibrations of tiny feet kicking, and for the thousandth time I wonder at the repercussions of what I’ve done.
***
3am
I’m edgy, anxious, as though insects are crawling over my skin. I really need him right now. But somehow, on the other side of the bed, Rob seems too far away to reach.
I slip out from between the sheets and creep silently along the hall. Out on the balcony, under a veil of barely visible stars, I squeeze my eyes shut against a thrust of guilt. I take a half cigarette from the pack hidden behind a pot plant and light it, inhaling deeply once, twice, but the smoke comes spluttering back out again. It tastes acrid and wrong. Like failure. Yet, still, I crave it.
Something catches my eye and when I look up I see a faint red glow in the window of the Dawson house across the water. I squint, heart racing, but it disappears.
I stub the cigarette out hastily, lungs burning, tears spilling from my eyes. A single sob escapes, echoing through the silent night.
As I slide into bed, Rob murmurs in his sleep and rolls towards me. Shit. I clap a hand over my mouth, but it’s too late. I know it. Even though I’ve washed my hands and scrubbed my teeth, it was all in vain. Rob is still. Silent. And I can feel the disappointment radiating from him like waves.
***
Sunday, 4pm
I can’t go through with it.
I pace the house, stopping at the fridge to take out one of Rob’s beers, stare at it, then put it back. I do this four times before relenting and throwing back a long, hard swig.
I can’t go through with it.
The thought won’t go away, no matter what I do, no matter where I go. And I can’t go anywhere much, not in my condition. I’m sick of being trapped here like a beached whale, a ticking time bomb, alone, even though Rob promised – he promised! – he’d be here for the final week. Three days until my due date and I know in my heart, in my bones, I cannot go through with this.
I call the hospital, wait impatiently while it connects, and ask to be put through to the prenatal ward. I’m told everyone is busy, as per usual, and I nearly scream as I end the call and throw the phone in to the piled-high laundry basket.
Leah, bloody Leah Jones, who’s never taken my concerns seriously, calls back sounding polite, distant, harassed. ‘Delilah Waters, that you again? You doing okay?’ she says, a sigh in her voice, and I want to shout at her, tell her no I’m not fucking okay, I have never been this not okay! But my voice sticks in my throat. I’m suddenly mute.
‘Miss Waters?’
Help me. My brain screams. Please help me. But it’s useless. Because what can they do? What can anyone do? What’s done is done. It’s far too late to change anything now.
‘I’m sorry. It’s nothing. Just Braxton Hicks, I think,’ I murmur. ‘All good now.’
‘Oh, yes, that. Well. Glad you’re okay, love. Not long to go now!’ her voice rings with false cheer, her words more threat than promise.
I hang up. I can already see Leah mentally checking me off a list, moving on to other things. I’m just a number. I don’t matter. Nothing matters.
***
2:09am
I wake to blinding pain. Reaching across the sheets, my fingers find Rob’s arm and grip, vice-like, as the pain rolls through me with the force of a tidal wave.
‘Dee?’ his voice is thick with sleep. ‘What is it?’
I double over on my side, listening as a low, animal moan, a primal sound unlike anything I’ve ever heard, fills the room. It takes a moment before I realise it’s me.
Rob bolts upright, flicks on the lamp and I screw my eyes shut against the glare. ‘Dee? It’s happening, isn’t it? Is this it?’
I nod, then shake my head. I don’t know. I don’t know. Something feels wrong.
‘Dee? Talk to me! What’s happening?’
My chest expands and my lungs fill with air as the pain dulls to a throb. I can breathe again. ‘I … I don’t know. I think … I think she’s coming.’
‘Oh, God,’ he whispers. He clasps my hands. ‘Dee. Dee! We’re going to have a baby!’
His voice is too loud. It’s too bright in here. ‘Rob,’ I pant. ‘Please. Please.’ I don’t know what I’m asking for, but he’s nodding, kissing my forehead, tripping out of bed and into the clothes he’s had laid out for weeks. He’s beaming at me, delirious and terrified, bringing me my warm robe and slippers I’ve set aside for this occasion, fetching my overnight bag and the things for the baby. All I can think is, this is it. This is it this is it this is it.
Another wave rolls through me, so powerful I can’t even scream.
‘It’s fine; it will be fine,’ Rob’s saying as his face fades in and out of focus.
But I know he’s wrong. And I feel like I’m drowning. Like no matter what happens from here, my life as I know it is slipping away. As another life flutters frantically within me, mine is coming to an end.
Rob’s eyes hold mine and I grip his collar in two fists, pulling his face close to mine. I try to capture it, this beautiful thing we share – the essence of what we are, what we were – one more time, before it’s gone.
‘Don’t leave me,’ I beg him.
Rob’s eyes, familiar and foreign at once, are full of warmth and fear and something new I can’t identify.
‘Never.’
Chapter 3
Liz
June, 2017
Sunday, 8:49am
The smell of bacon tugs me from a fractured dream. I haven’t had this one before: a blue-eyed child stares at me with pleading eyes, reaching out as if asking to be held. It’s innocuous enough out of context, but I jerk awake, heart pounding, and reach out to find Adam’s side of the bed empty. I panic. Is it Monday already? Has he left without saying goodbye? But then I register the smell – bacon! – and remember – it’s Sunday! – and my heart sings.
I sit up and smooth down my hair just as Adam appears in the doorway wearing nothing but the cheesy love-heart boxers I bought him for Valentine’s day. His smile steals my breath.
‘Beautiful,’ he says when his eyes catch mine, with that breathless awe that makes me giddy. Grinning, he crawls across the bed and cups my face, then kisses my lips. ‘You’re so fucking beautiful.’
‘Shut up,’ I shove his shoulder, beaming beneath his attention. I marvel at how different he is to all the men I’ve known before – openly loving, saying whatever’s on his mind. He reminds me of an exuberant child. ‘Aren’t you cold?’
‘How can I be cold when I’m close to you?’
‘Ha.’ I roll my eyes, laughing despite myself.
‘Actually, I am a bit.’ Adam mock-shivers as he slips under the covers and wraps me in his arms. His skin is like ice. ‘Kitchen’s a bit draughty.’
‘The whole house is draughty,’ I mutter, then bite my lip because I know I’ve done nothing but complain since we got here.
My husband frowns.
‘Sorry,’ I say, feeling bad for spoiling the mood.
‘Stop it.’ He lifts my chin with his finger. ‘You know what? If this is too much, maybe you should come with me.’
‘What do you mean? Where?’
‘To Sydney. If things go well, I’ll only be up and down the next few weeks. I could do without the commute, and if you hate it here so much, we can find a short-stay apartment …’
I stop him with a finger to his lips. ‘Adam. We can’t afford it.’
My husband’s face clouds, the way it always does when we talk of money these days.
‘I’m sorry, baby,’ I keep my voice light. ‘It’s a lovely idea. I know it won’t be easy for you either, driving all that way. And I’ll hate being apart for so long. But it’s a short time in the scheme of things, and it will be worth it, when you get the deal.’
Adam exhales through his nose. ‘It’s not just that. I’m worried about leaving you here all alone. Especially after what you’ve been through.’ He looks up, his eyes so full of concern I have to look away.
‘I know. But I’ve been getting better.’
As a case worker for a counselling and respite centre for women in crisis, I can encounter some pretty distressing situations. But one case in particular involving a young, single woman and her baby really stayed with me. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder was the diagnosis. I saw a counsellor, was put on medication and it seems to be helping. But sometimes, still, I wake in a cold sweat.
Adam doesn’t say anything, so I add, ‘And we don’t have a choice. This is just what needs to be done. And it will be worth it, in the end.’
‘You’re right,’ he says with a sigh. ‘And when the settlement date for the sale of this old place is finally here, and we get the rest of the money. Then. Then we’ll be out of debt and we can finally relax.’
I smile and rub his arm reassuringly. ‘They’ve seen the house, paid the deposit … they’re keen. It will happen.’
Adam nods, but his sunny mood has evaporated. I can’t blame him. As if losing his father wasn’t bad enough, Tim’s left behind one hell of a mess to clean up. And until it’s sorted, until the sale of this house is final and the money from selling his dad’s business is in the bank, we’re neck-deep in debt.
