The Widows’ Club

‘And what about Lily?’ Justine prompted.

Tara shifted in her seat. ‘That’s going to be more of a challenge. She’ll have to move schools, and, whereas I can keep the flat so we can rent it out, Iain’s putting their house in Widnes on the market. It’s not going to be easy for Lily to leave the place where she lived with her mum, but I hope there are enough positives to outweigh the negatives.’

‘We had to move house because we couldn’t afford to stay where we were,’ said Nadiya. ‘The older two were sobbing their hearts out on the day we left, but they settled eventually.’

‘It’s a new start for all of us.’

‘Do you think Iain will keep coming to the group?’ asked Justine. ‘He’s missed a few now.’

‘You’d have to ask him that, but maybe he has got as much out of the group as he needs,’ Tara replied. Smiling, she added, ‘Possibly more than he was expecting, but that’s the thing, we have each other now and a future to look forward to.’

Justine played with the corner of her clipboard. ‘You make it sound like you’re considering leaving too.’

April tightened her grip on her mug. The others were lovely, but Tara was the one who had persuaded April to join the group and she didn’t want to lose her so soon.

‘No, I have no plans to escape just yet,’ Tara said, falling short of giving them an absolute assurance. She gave a chuckle, but her smile was tight when she added, ‘And who knows? Blending two families could go horribly wrong and we might need you all more than ever.’

After another pause, Justine sat up a little straighter. ‘Are we about done for tonight?’

The thought of leaving without making any contribution was enough for April to regain the courage that had failed her earlier. ‘Can I say something?’ she asked.

‘Don’t feel you have to talk about Jason until you’re ready,’ said Tara.

The sound of Jason’s name falling from the lips of someone who had never known him, in a place he had never been, evoked such bittersweet emotion. April was angry, confused, and possibly paranoid, but she had never lost sight of how much she missed her husband, or how much she had loved him. No one in this room was ever going to meet Jason, but he was the reason she was there. He was what connected her to each and every one of them. She inhaled slowly and her breath vibrated over the thump of her heart.

‘I’ll admit my feelings are confused,’ she began, ‘so I apologise if what I’m about to say doesn’t make sense.’

‘Why don’t you start at the beginning?’ suggested Tara. ‘There’s no rush.’

April nodded. It was as safe a place as any. ‘Jason and I were childhood sweethearts and we managed the whole long-distance relationship while I went off to do my accountancy degree and he took an apprenticeship as a surveyor. When I came back, we ended up working in different departments for the same council. We moved in together and eventually got married just over five years ago. Our lives were perfectly synchronised until the night Jason died in his sleep,’ she said, surprised her voice held despite the crushing pain that made it difficult to breathe. ‘He was gone, just like that.’

‘It happens,’ said Jodie. Nadiya was also nodding.

‘I was told the bleed on his brain had been sudden and catastrophic,’ she said. ‘No one could have known there was a time bomb ticking inside his head, but I do wonder if there were signs. Jason changed in those last few months. I couldn’t do right for doing wrong but we got through last Christmas, and by February, he seemed like his old self. The night before was just an average Tuesday evening at home watching TV, eating pizza and going to bed.’

April didn’t mention the sex, but it had been intense, followed by leftover pizza and slower, more languorous sex until they had fallen asleep utterly and completely sated.

‘I’m pretty sure I woke up with a smile on my face,’ she continued as she closed her eyes and recalled how she had felt that morning. There had been a sense of relief that they were back on track. Whatever had been wrong between them had been fixed.

As the scene played out in her mind, her blood ran cold.

Justine leant in. ‘You don’t have to do this,’ she whispered.

A sob escaped, but April swallowed the next one back. ‘I keep going back over our life together and challenging everything. All the things I should have said, or should have asked but didn’t. I want to know what Jason was thinking. I need to know. There are so many questions. I want … I want …’

Justine patted April’s back as she gasped for air. ‘Maybe that’s enough for one night.’

Through vision blurred with tears, April looked to Tara, who asked, ‘Is that OK with you, April? Do you want to stop there?’

No, thought April. I want to tell you how I spend most nights going through pages and pages of phone bills, emails, and bank account statements as if I’m reading a book that’s been carefully edited so as not to reveal the final twist. If an undetected bleed on the brain hadn’t caused Jason’s change in behaviour, April wanted to know what – or who, had? She didn’t think the group could give her an answer, but she might feel better for asking it. Unfortunately, the only sound she could utter was another sob as someone passed her a tissue.

‘In that case,’ Tara continued, ‘thank you all for coming, and if there are any cupcakes left in the foyer, please take them home.’

‘And before you leave,’ Justine said, raising her voice above the scrape of chair legs, ‘if there’s anyone who hasn’t paid the deposit for the Christmas do, can I have it as soon as?’

Everyone was up on their feet, but rather than heading for the exit, they gravitated towards April and Nick.

‘If you’re in need of a stiff drink,’ Steve said to April, ‘a few of us are going over to The Childe of Hale for a quick one.’

‘I’d better not, I’m driving,’ she replied as Jodie approached and wrapped her in a bear hug.

‘It will get better, although I can’t promise the tears will dry up anytime soon,’ she said.

‘I can vouch for that on Jodie’s behalf,’ added Steve.

Jodie poked him in the ribs. ‘For that you can buy the first round.’

As the group thinned out, Nick approached April and he too gave her a hug. ‘We can do this,’ he whispered.

Nick was slow to pull away and for a split second April had an irrational fear that he was going to cup her cheek in one of his broad hands as Jason had once done. She turned her head quickly.

‘You both did really well and I hope you’ll be back next month,’ said Justine, laying a hand on each of their arms to give a gentle squeeze. ‘And it would be lovely to see you at the Christmas party too. I know it’s only September, but it’s a dinner-dance and these things need to be booked early.’

‘Sure, how much is it?’ asked Nick, slipping a hand into his jacket pocket.

‘We’re asking for a £40 contribution and the rest will be made up from our end-of-year surplus,’ Justine said. Glancing at April, she added, ‘We’re very careful about how we manage member subscriptions and we don’t like to build up too much in reserves. Can we tempt you too?’

‘I’m not sure. I haven’t been planning that far ahead,’ April stuttered. She had so far declined any and all plans for Christmas and New Year. Knowing how she might feel three months from now was an impossible task.

‘There’s no rush,’ Tara said, coming to her rescue. ‘If you want to decide nearer the time, I’m sure we can sneak you in.’

Justine’s mouth twitched, but she didn’t overrule Tara. She took the money Nick handed over and said, ‘Come with me and I’ll sort out a receipt.’

‘No, it’s fine. I trust you.’

‘Honestly, I insist,’ Justine replied, taking his arm and pulling him away.

Nick looked back over his shoulder at April. ‘See you next time.’

Tara waited until the smile April had returned to Nick began to fade. ‘You don’t have to wait until next month if you need to talk sooner. Ring me anytime. That’s an order.’

The invitation was almost too much, and April came close to blurting out all those thoughts and feelings she hadn’t managed to share with the group. She needed someone like Tara in her life.

‘Thank you,’ she said, ‘but you might regret the offer. In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m pretty messed up.’

Tara smiled. ‘I’ll let you into a secret,’ she said in a hushed voice, ‘we all are.’

3

Once the last of the lunchtime customers had been served, Tara shut up the shop. She closed early on Wednesday afternoons and would normally use the time to make up cake orders, but she had other plans today and had already sent her deputy manager, Michelle, home early. Molly, Tara’s ten-year-old daughter, was still in school, and Iain was home in Widnes, decluttering the house while eight-year-old Lily was out of the way. Tara would need to have a pre-move clear-out too, but with the limited space available in the flat upstairs, she had learnt a long time ago to be ruthless with keepsakes. Even so, it would be a wrench for both families to step away from the past, and as Tara enjoyed a rare moment of calm, she stopped to appreciate where she was and how far she had come.

Tee’s Cakes had the feel of a Parisian patisserie, with a high counter running along one side of the shop to display intricately crafted cakes and tarts, and a line of padded booths on the opposite side for customers to sip their coffee and whisper secrets. Additional seating could be set up outside, weather-permitting, and the kitchen in the back was state-of-the-art to meet the demands of daily visitors and a thriving online business. Mike wouldn’t recognise the place.

He had originally opened the shop as a traditional café serving English breakfasts and sandwiches to both the locals and returning visitors who had stumbled upon the village and discovered its secrets. Hale was an often overlooked settlement on the edges of the Mersey, and boasted two pubs, a church, and a post office. It had a rich history that stretched back to Roman times, with several points of interest including a nature reserve at Pickering’s Pasture and a lighthouse at Hale Head, and no visit was complete without a trip to St Mary’s church and the grave of John Middleton, better known as the Childe of Hale. The history of the village’s four-hundred-year-old resident, who had reportedly measured nine feet four inches tall, was well known. Sadly, few would stop to remember Michael Thomas Price, who had been dead just eight years.

Tara had known Mike as a friend, a boss, and briefly as a flatmate before they realised there was a spark between them that couldn’t be contained. Tara had grown up in Hale and, after coming top of her class at catering college, she had turned up at Mike’s café one day looking for a job. Her plan was to save enough money to move to Paris where she intended to perfect her craft, but it wasn’t long before Tara had created a successful sideline for Mike by selling her cakes. They worked side by side and with the days so long, it made sense for her to crash out in his spare bedroom above the café. She never did make it to Paris.

Looking around at the transformation, she hoped Mike would approve of how she had used the money he had left her. Of one thing she was certain, he would approve of Iain. In those last days before cancer stole her husband from her, Mike had made it very clear that he wanted Tara to find someone else. If anything, he would ask why it had taken her so long.

Drawn to the window, Tara looked out across the small car park that served Ivy Farm Court; a parade of shops of which Tee’s Cakes was one of eight units. She could see the entrance to Hale Primary School on the opposite side of the road where Lily would join Molly once the house move was complete. The main road continued up towards the park and the Childe of Hale pub where it hit a sharp bend at the war memorial, which formed its own little island between the lanes.

In the aftermath of Mike’s death, Tara had often pictured the regiments of war widows standing before the sandstone cross to remember the husbands who hadn’t made it home. She had imagined them drawing comfort from each other and, longing for something similar, she had created the Widows’ Club with Justine’s help. It was her way to reach out to others, and she had taken far more from it than she could ever hope to give. She was yet to decide if she had given enough.

As Tara stared off into space, her mind unable to form a clear vision of the future, she didn’t register the flash of Faith’s white Range Rover until her friend pulled up directly in front of the shop. Tara unlocked the door and beckoned her inside.

Faith had dropped into Tara’s life three years earlier when she had visited the shop to pick up a large order of French pastries. This was in the days before Iain had used his Internet wizardry to establish Tara’s online business, and when Faith had explained that the cakes were a thank-you gesture to colleagues who had supported her after the loss of her husband the year before, Tara had hooked Faith in. She was good at that.

‘You look nice,’ Faith said with more generosity than was entirely deserving of Tara’s current ensemble.

Having a job that required crawling out of bed at an ungodly hour, Tara had grabbed random items of clothing from her wardrobe in near darkness and only as the sun rose did she notice that the mustard yellow swing skirt clashed brazenly with the pink checks of her vintage blouse. Her customers were used to her eccentricities, but she wished she had tried harder today as Faith slipped off her bright yellow rain jacket.

‘And you look stunning,’ she said as she admired Faith’s dove grey cashmere jumper paired with black cigarette pants. At forty-six, Faith maintained a seemingly effortless beauty. With penetrating grey eyes and a flawless complexion, her make-up was understated and she had caught up her tousled blonde hair into a messy ponytail that left stray curls to frame her face perfectly. This was Faith’s idea of casual. ‘Make yourself comfortable and I’ll sort the coffee. Do you fancy a slice of cake?’

‘Why else would I be here?’

Five minutes later, Tara set down two cups of coffee, one opera cake, and three plates and forks.

‘Please don’t say Justine’s joining us!’

‘I wouldn’t do that to you,’ Tara said, only to feel a pang of guilt. Justine had been there for Tara long before Faith dazzled her way into her life. ‘I wouldn’t do it to Justine either.’

Faith pulled a face: the clash of personalities was felt on both sides. ‘So how was the meeting the other week? Did I miss anything? Was there lots of blubbing?’

‘It was a good session and I think our new members are going to fit in well. You should have been there,’ Tara said pointedly as she served up a slice of cake for each of them.

‘It was probably safer that I wasn’t. We’ll be running out of space if you recruit any more.’

‘The numbers are fine.’ Tara played with the cake on her plate, carefully separating the intricate layers of coffee-soaked almond sponge, ganache and buttercream. She didn’t look up when she added, ‘Iain wasn’t there either.’

Faith cocked her head. ‘And was that a problem?’

‘It did raise a question in the group about whether he was thinking of leaving. We have talked about it, and, while Iain’s not going to make a firm decision just yet, he’s doesn’t need the group like he did before. He wants to focus fully on the future.’

‘Easier said than done.’

‘I’m not suggesting we airbrush out the past,’ Tara said, suddenly aware of the strong aroma of coffee that was a stark contrast to the smell of sizzling bacon she associated with Mike’s café. She had held on to the life insurance money for almost three years before plucking up the courage to have the place remodelled. The café’s reincarnation had a distinct French vibe, but Tara had ensured there was a place for treasured mementoes too, including Mike’s chef’s cap pressed flat inside a frame on the wall behind the counter. ‘But Iain and I have each other now, and if there are any issues to face, we should deal with them as a couple.’

Faith’s cup was halfway to her lips. ‘You make it sound like you want to leave too.’

Tara didn’t answer immediately. ‘Funnily enough, that was something else the group picked up on.’

‘Anyone in particular?’ Faith asked with a raised eyebrow. ‘I bet Justine would love it if you left. I keep telling you, she doesn’t like being overshadowed. She must be champing at the bit to run the group on her own.’

Tara refused to entertain the idea that there were cracks developing in her friendship with Justine. It was true that, occasionally, it felt like there was an element of competition when it came to opening and closing the meetings, but Justine admitted herself that Tara was more natural when it came to leading the discussion. ‘She was as concerned as the rest of the group that I might consider leaving,’ Tara insisted. ‘And if I did go, I’d make sure there was someone else to pick up the slack.’

Faith had managed to take a sip of her coffee this time, and she spluttered. ‘I hope you’re not suggesting me?’

Tara laughed. As good as Faith would be at controlling the group, they could all agree that she and Justine would not make the ideal partnership. ‘It doesn’t have to be you. Steve or Nadiya might be willing.’

‘Justine wouldn’t work with any of us. She might say the right things, but she’d push us out eventually.’ Faith leant forward when she added, ‘It’s what she’s doing now with you. You just don’t see it.’

‘I’m not leaving ye—’

‘Good,’ Faith said before Tara could add the caveat. ‘You keep chairing the meetings and Justine can carry on as the bean counter. Speaking of which …’ She took an envelope from her handbag and slid it across the table. ‘Here’s my balance for the Christmas party.’

Tara wrinkled her nose. ‘I’ll take it on the condition you tell Justine I’ve given you a receipt. She’s become obsessed with keeping the accounts squeaky clean since finding out one of our new members is an auditor. Like April could care less.’

‘I like the sound of April already.’

‘That’s good because she’s on her way over. The extra plate is for her,’ Tara said, watching for Faith’s expression. She didn’t disappoint.

‘And you call yourself a friend? Why are you doing this to me, Tara? She’s going to cry, isn’t she?’

‘Quite possibly,’ Tara said and went on to explain April’s nightmarish discovery of her husband’s body. ‘She needs us, Faith, and I think she’ll talk more if it’s just me and you. A large group can be overwhelming and in hindsight it was a mistake to have two new members starting at the same time. You sidestepped the last meeting, but you’re not getting out of this.’

It was no coincidence that Faith had made her excuses. Introductions were often cathartic for new members, but their raw grief could be harrowing for those who were further along their journey.

‘I was busy with work,’ Faith insisted.

‘If you say so.’

Tara didn’t push further. Faith put on a convincing act, but she continued to feel her husband Derek’s loss keenly. Unlike April and Nick, it had taken several sessions before she had been able to share her story with the group, but she too had cried.

Faith was unlike anyone Tara had ever met. She could be as charming as she could be blunt. She had no time for fools, but for the lucky few she let into her heart, she was fiercely protective, hence her animosity towards Justine for her perceived attempts to undermine Tara.

‘You’re going to like April. I promise.’

Faith scowled. ‘And what about the other newbie? Is he invited too?’

‘No,’ Tara replied. ‘He’ll manage just fine with the group.’

‘What’s he like?’

‘His name’s Nick Malford, he’s thirty-eight, and he lost his partner two years ago. It was Justine who enrolled him so I don’t know all the details. What I can say is that he’s genuinely heartbroken, and he’s not afraid to shed a tear,’ she teased Faith. ‘But he has a certain confidence about him, so I expect he’ll integrate with the others quite quickly.’

‘So we’re left with the problem child.’

‘We’re left with someone who needs some extra attention.’

‘You’re lucky this cake is so good,’ mumbled Faith as she stabbed it with her fork. ‘And while I gorge myself, tell me where you’re up to with the house move. You look stressed. Are you stressed?’

‘You said I looked nice before,’ Tara reminded her, but she was smiling. Most people assumed she could cope with whatever life threw at her and it was a rare thing for someone to stop and ask if she was OK. Tara should have known that person would be Faith. ‘But you’re right, things are getting very real. There’s a bit of wrangling over the house on Pepper Street after the survey picked up a couple of issues, but that’s nothing compared to the stumbling block we’ve hit with Iain’s house. He thought he had a buyer, but apparently they haven’t secured a mortgage yet.’

‘It’ll happen.’

Tara felt her stomach clench. ‘Maybe that’s the issue.’

It had felt like fate was giving them a nudge when Iain had been made redundant over the summer, and they had planned their future while sitting on a bench in Pickering’s Pasture. Everything had seemed to click into place as they gazed out across the mirrored surface of the Mersey with the girls close by taking turns birdspotting with a pair of binoculars. With the online business taking off, Tara’s fortunes had taken a turn for the better. She needed more help with the admin, plus a part-time delivery driver, which conveniently added up to a full-time job. To the background noise of their daughters’ giggles, they had struck upon the perfect solution. She and Iain would join forces and become partners in every sense of the word, but as the summer faded and the days shortened, the imperfections in their plan had become difficult to ignore.

‘Don’t tell me, the pieces don’t fit into place as neatly as you imagined,’ Faith said.

‘Barring a few adjustments, the house move and the business set-up will work out fine,’ Tara replied. ‘If there are delays, we’ll manage.’

‘Then what’s the problem? Are you having second thoughts about Iain?’

‘Absolutely not,’ Tara said quickly, her heart clenching. ‘I know we’ve only been together for a year, but I couldn’t love him more. It feels right, and I know he’d say the same. Our families might be two broken pieces from different puzzles, but we can fit together, given the chance.’

‘Ah, so the girls are the problem.’

‘Iain and I took them for a walk to the lighthouse at the weekend and explained we could be in our new house by the end of the year. Molly was over the moon, but Lily was worryingly quiet,’ Tara said as she pictured them walking back to the village.

Molly had raced ahead, but Lily had slipped her hand into her dad’s. When Tara had offered to take her other hand, Lily had refused. ‘My mummy’s holding this one,’ she had said.

‘It’s natural that they’d react differently,’ Tara told Faith. ‘Molly was practically a baby when Mike died and she’s never known any different. It might take her some time to adjust to having a father figure, but she can’t wait to move out of the flat. Lily on the other hand was five when she lost her mum. She has memories and emotional ties that are intrinsically linked to the home Iain’s trying to sell from under her.’

‘Is it a deal breaker?’

‘No,’ Tara said, pulling back her shoulders to shift the weight pressing down against her chest. ‘But it’s going to make the next few months far more interesting than I would like. Now enough about me, tell me your news. How come you’ve taken the day off work?’

Tara had been pleasantly surprised when Faith suggested calling into the shop. They tried to meet up at least once a month between group meetings, but Tara had all but given up hope of finding time between one crisis and another.

‘I had a date with a man,’ Faith said, raising an eyebrow.

‘What for? A manicure? Pedicure? Indian head massage?’ Tara asked with a smile.