Not That Easy

‘It’s fine, come in,’ he said and patted the duvet. I walked over and sat down with them.

‘I don’t know what to do about JT,’ I moaned.

‘How many messages has it been now?’ asked Emma without moving her head off Serge’s hot bod. This was not helping my self-esteem. ‘Twelve?’

‘Fourteen. Surely that’s a bit excessive now?’

‘Why can’t you ask him out?’ asked Sergio.

‘But … won’t he think I’m desperate? What about the game?’

Emma scrunched up her face. ‘I don’t know. I think the whole point of online dating is that it evens out the playing field. Like, obviously it’s so sexist that society says men have to ask out women, but it is kind of ingrained. When a woman asks out a man in real life he’s like, she’s either desperate or a slut. But online … well, it’s kind of the norm, isn’t it?’

‘Huh, maybe,’ I said, as Sergio started covering Emma’s face in tiny kisses.

‘I didn’t think you were desperate or a slut when you wrote your number on that receipt,’ he said.

I rolled my eyes at them. ‘Can you get a room already?’ He raised his eyebrows and gestured at Emma’s purple fairy lights, leopard print and fur. ‘You know what I mean,’ I said. ‘Anyway, Emma, do you really think it’s more acceptable for a girl to ask out a guy online?’

‘Yeah,’ she cried. ‘It’s way more equal on there. In fact, I think women actually have more power than men on online dating sites. Because girls will get more messages than the guys and then when a guy does get a message, there’s more of a chance he’ll reply. Girls have more choice.’

I nodded slowly. ‘That makes sense. But what if he rejects me?’

‘Who cares? He hasn’t even met you—you’re just pixels. It’s like when Oxford University rejected my UCAS application before even meeting me. You can’t get upset because they don’t even know who you are. They’re just rejecting a piece of paper, or a bunch of words on a website in your case.’

‘Yeah, you’re so right,’ I said. ‘You know what? I feel way more empowered. Thanks, Em. I don’t give a shit if JT rejects me any more. My personality comes through in person not pixels. I bet he’d never turn down a one-night stand with me IRL, so who cares if he does online?’

‘What’s this IRL?’ asked Sergio.

‘In real life,’ replied Emma and I automatically.

‘Anyway, you can get back to having sex now,’ I announced, as I walked out of the room. ‘I’m off to ask out a man.’

I sat in the living room staring blindly at the TV. JT still hadn’t replied. The message I’d sent kept flashing up in my head:

So I was wondering if maybe we should meet in person? How about a drink?

It had been, like, two hours and he still hadn’t replied. I’d managed to fuck it up with a guy without even meeting him. I was seriously doomed.

‘Hey, El, how’s it going?’

Ollie walked into the room and sat on the sofa next to me. I quickly pulled my leggings down so he wouldn’t see my unshaven legs. ‘Oh fine,’ I said. ‘Only, I just messaged a guy online and he hasn’t replied. Such is my life.’

‘Oh yeah? You know, I can’t believe you’re doing online dating.’

‘What, why not?’ I asked, feeling semi-offended.

‘I just wouldn’t have thought you’d need to.’

Was that … a compliment? ‘Oh really? That’s so nice.’

‘Well, you’re twenty-two. I would have thought that’s a bit, like, young.’

‘It is not too young,’ I cried. ‘Hello, we live in the Tinder world. This is just what everyone does. How else are you meant to meet someone?’

‘Yeah, but Tinder seems more legit. Why didn’t you just do that?’

‘Because it still feels like a sex app and I like the idea of knowing someone’s basic details and thoughts before meeting them.’

‘So you’re not looking for sex?’ He grinned, showing his little dimples.

I blushed. ‘Well, I mean, I am. But I’d rather do it after a date, and not just in the loo of a bar.’

‘Don’t. You’re making me nostalgic for my single days.’

‘You had sex in a loo?’

‘A girl went down on me outside the uni student union once. Pre-Yomi, obviously.’

‘Jesus,’ I said, trying to ignore the fact that I was suddenly seriously envious of this blow job girl.

‘I know. It was fucking fun.’

‘Sounds it. So, Yomi straightened you out, then?’

He grinned at me and I tried to not stare into his eyes. ‘I’ve still got my dirty side.’

I laughed. ‘Ew, you sound so pervy.’

‘I try. So, who’s this guy who isn’t replying to you?’

‘Ah, he’s called JT. Seems normal, hot and interesting. We’ve been messaging, but then I asked him out and he didn’t reply.’

‘You asked him out?’

‘Should I not have? Is that weird? Oh God.’

‘No, calm down. I think it’s really cool. I don’t think there are many girls who would do that. In fact, I’d be fucking thrilled if a girl asked me out.’

‘Really?’ He nodded and looked into my eyes. Oh Christ. I really had to stop fancying my flatmate who had a GIRLFRIEND. ‘I don’t think Yomi would be,’ I said, bringing the conversation back to the perfect doctor.

‘Fair point. But she doesn’t like a lot of what I do, so …’

Did this mean there was trouble in paradise? ‘Really? What kind of stuff?’ I asked.

‘She doesn’t really like my mates from home, which kind of bothers me. It’s because most of them didn’t go to uni, and I guess she finds them hard to relate to. But they’re all really good guys. And she works so hard she’s rarely up for going out. I know she’s under a lot of pressure with her finals, but it’s just difficult, you know?’

I nodded, trying to pretend I was au fait with relationship problems. ‘Yeah, that sounds difficult. It’s why I don’t want a boyfriend right now—I can’t handle the compromises.’

‘Ha, I know what you mean. We’re too young to stop being selfish.’

‘Exactly.’ I grinned. ‘Maybe Yomi needs to remember to be younger.’

‘Yeah, maybe. Hey, do you mind if I change the channel? Tottenham are playing.’

‘Go for it. I, um, need to do something upstairs anyway.’

‘Cool. See you later.’

I went up to my room with my heart fluttering. He was so insanely attractive, and if he and Yomi broke up, then Caesar would be answering all of my prayers. But in the meantime, he’d still given me an idea. I’d been so wrapped up in my profile that I’d forgotten I was competing with hundreds, nay thousands, of attractive single women online.

I needed to check out the competition. I went to OKCupid.com, logged out of my profile and clicked ‘create profile’. Select gender: male.

I quickly made a basic profile (Tim201) and started searching. I wanted women aged twenty to twenty-nine. The list came up and my mouth dropped open in surprise. These profiles were nothing like my modest-but-flirty attempt. All these girls looked like part-time models, porn stars or Abercrombie & Fitch employees. I was doomed. Utterly doomed.

I clicked on Ange_xx. Her doe-eyed pose won me over immediately and I was semi-seduced by her pouting selfies. Oh God. Why would JT_ldn want to date me if there were girls like Ange_xx out there? I was officially fucked.

I scrolled back to my own profile and stared at the pictures in misery. They all looked like me. This was not going to work. Wasn’t the whole point of online dating to make yourself look better than you really do? I needed to slut up my pics. ASAP.

My first port of call was Facebook. I went straight to my photos from sixth form. I sighed in relief as I flicked through them and realised I was right; my boobs were on show in every single one. I was caked in make-up, my curves were forced into minuscule dresses, and I looked sexy enough to take on Ange_xx.

I selected one of the most blatant pictures and, ignoring the twinge of self-disapproval I was feeling, quickly made it my new profile picture. I knew Emma had said online dating was a feminist tool, so I probably shouldn’t have gone for such a tacky man-catching ploy, but if everyone else was doing it … Besides, I bet it wasn’t just the girls. JT_ldn was probably four inches shorter and five years older than he promised.

Fuck, what if he had lied?!

My phone beeped. There was a message from JT.

I’d love to. Think we should do it soon before you get a whole line of dates with your new profile picture. Very hot by the way.

I screeched out loud. OK, it was kind of embarrassing he had noticed my photo ploy—but he also thought I was hot and wanted to go for drinks, and I had successfully asked out a guy!!! I was a woman of the future and a feminist in action. No one had to know I’d used a photo of my tits to do it.

Chapter 6

I was standing at the entrance of Angel tube station trying to swallow the stress-induced gags my stomach kept heaving up. It was 8.03 p.m. and I was about to meet JT in person. I glanced around weakly but couldn’t see anyone who looked six foot three with crinkly green eyes and dark blond hair. My watch said 8.06 p.m. Oh God. Was he about to stand me up?

My phone vibrated. Fuck, fuck, fuck. It was from him.

Hey, just inside next to the ticket machine. Wearing a red scarf. Holding a book. See you soon!

I sighed in relief that he hadn’t stood me up—and then realised with a jolt that this was actually happening. I was about to have an actual internet date. It was too late to run away. Oh God.

Feeling sicker than ever, I wrapped my jacket tightly around me and slowly stepped into the station. The ticket machine was on the left. As promised, there was a tall man standing next to it. I quickly ducked behind a Big Issue seller and peeped out over his shoulder to spy on JT. I couldn’t see his face but he was wearing a black woollen coat with a maroon scarf. I breathed out in relief; he looked hot from behind.

I stood up straight and boldly walked over to him. My blood was pounding, but I forced myself to keep going. When I was inches away, I cleared my throat. He turned around to face me and the smile on my face plummeted.

JT WAS ANCIENT.

He had wrinkles, greying hair, and, oh my fucking God, was he missing a tooth?! I felt a stream of bile rise up into my mouth and I gagged audibly.

He opened his mouth to speak but before he could say a word, I whirled around and ran out of the station. When I was outside I started breathing slowly. It was OK. These things happened but at least I was in public and the elderly JT couldn’t attack me. I was safe.

‘Ellie,’ called a voice behind me. Oh my fucking God. It was him—he’d found me and now he was about to attack me. I quickened my pace and ran past benches full of staring passers-by. I turned my head to check if he was following me and fell flat on my face onto the pavement.

‘Are you all right?’

I looked up in pain and saw an attractive blond man smiling above me. His dark green eyes crinkled as he smiled and there were no wrinkles to be seen. It was JT_ldn. The real one.

‘I … don’t understand,’ I said. ‘You look like your picture.’

‘Erm, should I not?’ he asked with a raised eyebrow. My eyes flew straight to his neck. He was wearing a bright red scarf, three shades lighter than the maroon scarf I’d just seen. With a wave of relief, I realised that this was the JT I’d meant to meet and the other man was just an awful, awful coincidence in a maroon scarf.

I had officially fucked up.

‘No, no, it’s a good thing, trust me,’ I said, as I pulled myself off the kerb.

‘Right, and do you always run away from your dates? This is the first time I’ve had to chase after someone on a date, you know.’ He grinned.

I felt my cheeks flush as I realised what I’d just done. I had just run away from the hottest date I’d ever had. And then tripped on a jagged pavestone.

‘So, um, about that,’ I said sheepishly. ‘The red scarf thing kind of threw up a bit of confusion.’

‘Go on …’

I sighed. ‘Well, there’s a forty-year-old, fat, unattractive man wearing a red scarf down by the ticket machine. I thought he was you, or you were him, or I don’t know.’

He threw back his head and howled with laughter. I noticed in relief that he had all his teeth. ‘That’s hilarious. You thought I was some paedo?’

‘Essentially … yeah.’ I winced. ‘Sorry. I’m so embarrassed.’

‘Don’t be, this is a great story to tell the grandkids.’ Grandkids?! We hadn’t even held hands yet. ‘I’m kidding,’ he added.

‘Yeah, obviously.’ I laughed nervously. ‘Sorry, I’m still all over the place from the whole paedo thing. And then the running away bit. Can we start over?’

He smiled and held out his right hand. ‘Sure, I’m JT. Good to meet you.’

‘I’m Ellie. Nice to meet you too,’ I said, shaking his hand.

‘Great, so now we’ve got the formalities out of the way, how about we go and grab some food?’ I nodded happily, ignoring the weighted lump of undigested pasta in my stomach reminding me I had just eaten a whole pack of tortellini. ‘So there’s a fun Chinese buffet place up the corner. You keen?’

‘Buffet?’

‘Yeah, but you do have to be pretty hungry to get your money’s worth, so if you’re not that hungry, we can always just get tacos or something elsewhere,’ he suggested.

Tacos sounded perfect—but what if he thought I was one of those anorexic girls who couldn’t handle buffets? My appetite was the one positive attribute guys loved about me. All my male friends were terrified of dating skinny dieting girls who only ordered salads and counted calories—they’d all told me this was my niche. Considering I didn’t have that many, I knew I had to work it.

I mentally said goodbye to the light, refreshing tacos and prepared myself for a second carby dinner. ‘Buffet sounds great.’

‘Are you sure?’ he asked. There it was, my get-out card. I just had to say no and we could get tacos.

‘Yeah, definitely. I’m starving.’

‘Cool, it’s just down here,’ he said, gesturing as we started walking down the high street. ‘So, how has your day been?’

‘Um, pretty uneventful until the past ten minutes,’ I said.

‘Same.’ He laughed. ‘I can’t say I imagined I’d be running down the street behind my first OKCupid date.’

‘This is your first time too?’ I asked.

‘Yeah, I thought I’d give it a try and do something new.’ He shrugged. ‘Everyone kept raving about it at work, so I figured I’d give it a shot. What about you? What made you take the virtual leap?’

‘Um …’ I racked my brains for an appropriate response that didn’t have the phrase ‘slut’ or ‘one-night stand’ in it. ‘Pretty much the same as you, really. Just something different.’

‘Yeah.’ He nodded. ‘I guess I’m just looking for whatever happens, really. Whether that’s a relationship or just … casual fun.’ He looked straight into my eyes and I felt a tingle run up my spine. Thank God I’d shaved my legs and trimmed my bush—one-night stand, here I come.

He looked at me questioningly and I realised I’d stopped walking. ‘Yeah, I’m the same,’ I said. ‘Just looking for whatever life throws at me.’

He raised an eyebrow at me. ‘Are you quoting my dating profile?’

Oh fuck. I was unconsciously reciting the ‘Looking for’ section of his profile. I knew I shouldn’t have read it so many times. ‘Um, unintentionally?’

He laughed. ‘Well, at least you’ve done your homework. Gotta be safe, eh?’

‘Exactly.’ I grinned. ‘So, uh, is this the restaurant?’ We were standing outside the fanciest Chinese restaurant I’d ever seen. Stone lions were wrapped around the columns at the front and the words ‘Red Dragon’ were written in a non-tacky gold.

‘This is it,’ he said. ‘Hope you’re hungry.’

My plate was heaped with Ma Po Tofu, steamed aubergine, egg fried rice and crispy seaweed. The whole thing cost £18.99 and I’d eaten only three chopsticks’ worth.

‘This is so good,’ said JT, as he finished his first helping. ‘Do you not like it? You’ve barely eaten a thing.’ He looked discerningly at the mound of food on my plate.

‘Oh God, no, it’s amazing. I’m just pacing myself.’ I raised my chopsticks to my mouth and forced myself to swallow. It was the nicest Chinese I’d had in years but I was so full of £1.99 tortellini I couldn’t eat it. Typical. ‘Anyway, tell me more about you,’ I said. ‘You work for Marc Jacobs, right? Are you going to get me freebies?’

‘You’re not the first person to ask me that, but no, I’m sorry, those are strictly for me. Shit, that makes me sound very camp doesn’t it?’

‘Yeah, just a bit.’ I smiled. ‘Honestly though, I was pretty relieved when I saw on your profile that you work in IT and not fashion.’

‘Bit more manly, eh?’

‘Totally,’ I replied, wishing I could think of something witty to add. Instead, I reached for my chopsticks and forced more mouthfuls down me.

‘So I know you’re interning for some crazy boss, but what exactly is the magazine? Is it a fashion one?’ he asked.

‘Uh, it’s more just a bit of everything. It’s the London Mag. Have you heard of it?’

‘Obviously,’ he said, leaning back in his chair. ‘It’s the new online one that’s getting bigger each week. I’m impressed.’

‘Yeah, except you forget I’m not actually getting paid for it.’

‘This is some extensive hinting that you can’t get the bill, Ellie,’ he teased. ‘I would have paid anyway, you know.’

I blushed and looked up at him through my layers of mascara in an attempt to look like Ange_xx. ‘I would never expect a man to pay for me.’

He laughed. ‘You’re hilarious. I’m so glad I said yes to this date with you.’

I had no idea what I’d done that was so funny, but if he was enjoying the date, who was I to say otherwise? ‘Me too,’ I said.

‘I was kind of surprised when you asked me out though,’ he admitted.

‘What, why?’ Shit—maybe Emma was wrong and it was still desperate to ask someone out online?

‘I guess I’m not used to forward girls,’ he said.

Forward?! I wasn’t FORWARD. I was a virgin at twenty-one, for Chrissake.

‘Right.’

‘No, it’s not a bad thing. It’s … sexy. I like it. In fact, I like it so much that I’m going to get the bill and rescue you from that plate of food that you clearly don’t want to eat.’

Oh my God, I didn’t have to eat my cold Chinese. This was it—he was officially the one. You could fall in love with one-night stands-to-be, right?

Chapter 7

I crossed my legs and flicked my mass of hair over my shoulder as I laughed demurely at JT’s joke. I was perched on a bar stool in the poshest wine bar—OK, only wine bar—I’d ever been to and I was determined to act as elegantly as was required.

‘Another glass of Muscadet?’ asked JT. I nodded enthusiastically and almost toppled off my stool. ‘Careful,’ he said, as he steadied me with his arm.

The only problem was that it was getting quite difficult to act the height of sophistication when my date was plying me with drinks. Was this glass number … four? Five?

I ignored the sensible voice in my head screeching at me to order a tap water and graciously picked up the wine glass the barman put in front of me.

‘Why thank you,’ I said.

‘Anything for the lady,’ said JT. He looked straight into my eyes and I swallowed a laugh.

‘I’ll just have a tap water as well, please,’ I told the barman.

‘Water already?’ asked JT.

‘Oh, just to stop me from getting absolutely pissed and embarrassing myself,’ I said.

‘I don’t think you could embarrass yourself,’ he said.

I stared at him. ‘Um, are you kidding me? You do realise I started this date by running away from you because I thought you were a paedophile? And, last week—’

He interrupted me mid-sentence by leaning in and planting his lips on top of mine. I spluttered in surprise before my brain whirred into action and I kissed him back. Lara and Emma were so wrong—my embarrassing stories were seductive.

He stood up from his stool and came closer to me as we kissed. I leant against him and he started rubbing his tongue against mine. I reciprocated to the best of my abilities and put my hands on his face. He grabbed my arse and pulled me in towards him. I gasped out loud at how X-rated things were getting, but JT seemed to interpret it as a sound of pleasure and started snogging me at double the speed.

I held on to the bar to steady myself, and out of the corner of my eye, I saw the barman shake his head in disgust. The British prude inside of me tried to break away, but JT pulled me in closer towards him and squeezed my boob.

‘You’re so sexy,’ he murmured in my ear. ‘I’m just going to go to the bathroom and then I’m taking you home with me.’

I nodded mutely and he winked at me before turning around and walking away. I let out the breath I hadn’t realised I was holding in. This was it. I was going to have my first ever one-night stand.

‘Excuse me,’ said the barman.

‘Oh, I don’t want another drink,’ I said. ‘Thanks, but we’re off now.’

He raised his eyebrows at me. ‘I was actually going to say, I think you have something on your face.’

I stared at him in confusion and then reached out to touch my face. It was damp. Oh, how embarrassing, it must be saliva, but … how could he see that? I lowered my hand and squinted at it in the purple UV light. It was covered in a dark liquid.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS ON MY FACE?

I stood up and rushed towards the mirrored walls of the bar. My entire left cheek, and parts of my forehead, were covered in this brown liquid. Had I rubbed against some paint? Was it red wine?!

I whirled around to look at the barman again. He was hiding a grin. ‘I think it might be blood,’ he said.

Blood?! Why was my face bleeding?? Then it slowly dawned on me. It wasn’t my blood. It was JT’s. He had nose-bled on my face.

My hands jumped to cover my face instinctively and I ran blindly towards the loos. I pushed past the queue of surprised girls and raced to the mirror. Under the bright yellow lights I could see my face was covered in blood. I looked like a Halloween midwife.

I turned the taps on full and began washing it off my face. It slid off along with half my make-up. After furiously scrubbing at my skin with paper towels, I was blood free. Thank God.

Then I realised I had to go back outside to JT. God, I couldn’t go home with him now—I couldn’t even face him. What were you supposed to say to the guy who nose-bled on you mid-snog? Had he known all along that he was bleeding on me? Or did he realise only when he went to the loo? Surely he had seen it on my face—why the fuck hadn’t he told me??

I couldn’t deal with this right now. It was just too embarrassing. Maybe I could just hide out in the loo stall for a few minutes, and once JT had got the message and left, I could go home. I glanced over to the loo cubicle but then as the main bathroom door swung open, I saw the inside of the bar. I could vaguely make out JT skulking in a corner. I ran straight into the nearest cubicle and slammed the door shut.

‘Hello? Lady?’

I jumped in alarm. I was sitting on a toilet seat with my head in between my legs and there was someone banging on the cubicle door. Oh my God, JT. The blood. I was hiding in the loo. Had I been here all night?!

I cautiously unbolted the loo door and peered out. The toilet attendant had her hands on her hips and looked seriously pissed off.

‘You’ve been in there twenty minutes, lady. We have a no drugs policy. I’ve called the manager.’

Drugs?? Surely I could have just had a bad stomach? I looked around the loos and realised there was still a queue of girls. The bar hadn’t closed and JT could still be outside waiting for me. The bathroom door opened and the barman from earlier was standing there.

‘You again.’ He grinned.

‘I wasn’t doing drugs, I promise. I … fell asleep on the loo.’

He hid a smile and I realised he was kind of attractive. Even though he was only about an inch taller than me, he had an impressively symmetrical face, three-day stubble and short blond dreadlocks.